You're

So wonderful. <3

Sparkle Theory

***wrote this on 12/28/11 3:14a.m.

So here's the thing, I'm so happy right now. Sometimes when I feel like this, it genuinely seems as though maybe nothing really could be wrong with me. It feels as though I really don't have depression. I know, it's weird. Which side of myself is lying to the other?

Well I finished my Elavil prescription and so I haven't been on medication for a day and a half. I don't want to go back to the doctor's because I have gone to the doctor's so many goddamn times this year that I'm just sick of it. The bills are too fucking high and all I need is a damn prescription. (well of course I need counseling, but I've yet to get up the courage to seek that out with gumption) Yet, all in all, I just feel so weird right now and my mind of course never turns off, so I'm trying to process my own psychological state of emotions. I know I have been off medication before and we all know how unwell that went, but I was pretty unstable before. And now, well I don't know. But I do feel good and more stable than before. I might not necessarily be completely stable like a rock, but I'm doing better. At least for the time being. Yeah, everyone will say it's because the meds are working, yeah possibly, but honestly, I've been taking it for a month and yeah I've gained weight and I hate it. So not taking meds for a while might be better because I have worked so hard to lose all that weight only to gain some of it back, not happy about that at all. But I'm hoping going off my meds will help my body regain its metabolic equilibrium.

I'm so happy right now, because of you.

But the thing is, I'm scared. Well, of course I am, that's a given.
I'm scared because I don't want my happiness to be solely based on being dependent on someone else. Because when I'm alone, I'm so alone and so obviously messed up and not stable.

Yet, you've managed to get further than anyone has ever gotten in a really long time. Since I've realized the state of my mental and emotional health, I haven't been able to let anyone come close to that part of me- the intimacy/love part- in such a long time; I haven't been able to let anyone new in, who hasn't already been a part of my life in some form or another.

I said it two months ago and I've said it to you again, and I'll keep saying it, you make it easy. And you said likewise. We don't play games. If we feel like talking/texting/seeing eachother, we do. We don't do that 'who should make the first move, who should do what' bullshit. And I'm so glad for that. I'm so glad we decided to just not think about bad stuff anymore and just go do fun things. You've managed to sort of repair me without even the intentional purpose. Just thinking about you now gives me butterflies.

I know, butterflies. How long has it been since anyone has ever felt that way? As you become older, the butterflies tend to disappear.

But I digress. The thing is, I'm scared shitless. Everything is happening so fast and I feel the need to slow it down, but when I'm with you, I don't want to. When we're together and we're wrapped around each other, everything is perfect.

This holiday season has definitely been a surprising one, but in a good way. And I'm so used to bad things happening to me that even the slightest "Can I ask a question?" or "I need to tell you something" freaks me out, regardless of the tone or content of conversation. Yet, whatever you've told me has turned out to all be the exact opposite of bad. I'm so scared that the bottom will fall out, because that's all I've ever experienced. But for now I'm just going to try and not think so much and just go with it, just live in the moments and just be together. Nothing else matters.

But back to what I was talking about, the big one, you've managed to sort of really repair me. I don't even know how you did it, being such an emotional wreck and easy crier, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, but these are the good kind. You don't know the dirty details because I'm not ready to completely uncover everything, but you know the basics. You know about why I'm on medication (well not anymore, but that's another story) and I've told you that I'm a cutter. You've made me promise not to do it again. Haven't told you why I do it, but I love the fact that you let me tell you when I'm ready, you never push me or force me to do anything I'm not ready for. You take such care of me. God, you're such a gentleman and I forgot what those were like.

You've seen all of my scars and I love that you ignore them because I've asked you to. And how you still want me after everything.

I can't say I'm not scared, that even though you say you're not freaked out about all my chaos, that you'll eventually cut and run. Yeah, I'm scared. Because I know I'm intense. I'm scared that even though you may tell me 'no' when I ask if I've freaked you out, that you're not telling me what you're really thinking. Even though I know your mind doesn't over-analyze and take everything apart the way mine does.

Okay, what I'm really trying to say is, I'm freaked out because I think I could be really falling for you. And you probably aren't there yet. But that's just how my emotions are, storm-like. I'm freaked out because I've let myself become so vulnerable with you and I don't know how much you actually like me. Sex complicates, influences, and clouds everything, it could actually be spurning my increased feelings for you. And I don't know how you can put up with my annoying personality. Even though you say I haven't done anything to piss you off yet. I don't know how you can be so patient. But I'm glad that you are so much because you calm me down. You know I get flustered easily and you're always so calm. I know I'm acting stupid right now, but I'm petrified to find out if you don't feel the same way. Though we've made it perfectly clear to one another of the exclusivity of our relationship. It's just you and me, no one else.

I'm scared because I'm growing expectations. Expectations of us. I've let you in and I don't want to feel hurt and disappointed ever again. But I love how patient have been with me and so respectful of my self-preservation. So we'll take it moment to moment and see where things go. I can't say that I won't

This holiday, when we spent 3 nights together, has been amazing. I can't wait for you to get back from Vegas so I can see and spend New Year's Eve with you. (granted if you manage to get out of your plans with your cousins, I hope we'll be together for New Year's)

Side note** 1:10a.m.
Aw, that's cute. You just called me from Vegas. I miss you so much. Clearly we're having withdrawals from one another. I hate that you turn me into a mushy, gooey, person. Haha and you know that too, and you love the fact that I've let you into my force field. But that's life and you're helping me learn to embrace whatever bumps arise. I can't wait for you to get back.

Lingering Thought

Do you think the medication could have actually exacerbated my condition instead? We'll see.

Anti-Depressant

I think I'm just going to stop taking them altogether. I know this might be a bad idea, but I can't fucking take this weight gain. I feel disgusting. I was 125 when I started over a year ago and now I'm almost 140. This is fucking ridiculous. All my hard work down the drain even when I work out regularly. Frack. Hopefully since I am in a more stable mindset I can handle all this naturally. Going to start eating healthier too. Starting over in anything sucks.

Sunset

Well Then

We figured us out, so that's good. It was all happening so fast for the both of us and we both weren't looking for a relationship before this so we didn't know how to handle the situation. Bottom line, we're in a closed and exclusive whatever it is that we're doing. We're happy continuing whatever we're doing because it's too soon and not the time to be making any official decisions. We just wanted to acknowledge if we were still just friends or more. Because we're clearly not the friends with benefit type of people. We've made it clear that we don't do that and that we don't do what we have done with each other with most people. So I'm glad we figured everything out and are on the same page. And now we can just be with each other without residual doubts or thoughts. Hooray. And now I can publish what I wrote last night (of course when I'm in a more elated mood, I like to synchronize my entries to my emotions at the time) and stop freaking myself out. I don't know how you can always be so patient to deal with me lol.

Breathe

Just let it go, stop thinking and be happy. I think I'm going to go back in Wellbutrin XL tomorrow. Just live in the moment, you cried, so get over it.

Just

Just stop it, you're letting yourself get into your head again. Stop it you're going crazy. Again. Stop it stop it stop it, please.

Fuck

I thought I was okay, but obviously I'm not. I ran out of my 1month Elavil a day and a half ago. I thought I should try going without meds, that maybe I'm okay. But I need to remind myself that I've done that before, and it didn't work out well. But fuck, the anti-depressants are making me gain weight and it's pissing me off. I've worked so hard to lose weight, now I'm gaining it back. Fuck. I feel so fucking hopeless. Yet again. I just want all this to end. Fuck, I should go see my doctor tomorrow, but I don't know. Nothing is working, I just want to give up. Fuck. Goddamnit.

"All of life is a struggle. It's a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. You're fighting gravity all day long." - Richard Rose

Post-Post

Well, that changes things doesn't it.

I just wrote this long ass entry. And now I don't know if I should publish it. I just want to distance myself again, push everything away again and put all my walls back up. I may definitely be overreacting right now, in fact I most probably am, but what the hell was I thinking? I can't allow myself to get into any position to get hurt again, I can't take every time it happens anymore. As I am getting older, I am seriously losing my skill for resiliency. Damn. I wish I were normal and everything didn't hurt as much. I hate how things can take a spin for the worse in an instant. And I hate how easily I cry about everything now. I don't like feeling so crushed, but I feel it all the time. I'm trying to just go with the flow, but I can't. With love, that's just not me. I need to have a plan for everything, all of the time. Or else I can't take it. I need to have a plan to protect myself from everything, all the time.

What the hell is wrong with me? I know, everything.

Sparkles

Sparkles galore. I hope it stays this way.

Hmm

I have no idea what's going on, but on the surface things are good with us. We had our Movie Pizza Pazookie night last night. And the day before that we had our first kiss/make out session through way of liquid courage aka alcohol. Gotta love that stuff and who doesn't love kisses right? At least we know we have major chemistry lol.

I just don't want to think anymore. All the little things you've done to piss me off, and I'm sure I've pissed you off tons, you're just too much of a stand up gentleman to show it, but all those things I guess we're disregarding it all. I hope. Well either way we're mended and spending Christmas Eve together. Getting all dressed up, cooking dinner and listening to Christmas music and doing Christmasy things. Bubbly will be involved, sex will not lol, hopefully! I need things to slow down, but he's again, too much of a gentleman, and I can see he's taking his cues from me. I just need to not be the slut I am haha. Jokes. No but serious, if I want this to work, I need to take things as necessarily as slow so I don't really royally and officially fuck it up because I make messes. I don't know how he really feels, since most guys never see me as the girlfriend type, but I hope he's into me. But then again, I don't really know how I feel either. I just know that I like kissing him. Haha. So there's that. Cheers and Merry Christmas Eve lovers. I hope everything remains sparkly.

Always

There's something wrong with me, I'm never going to function right. I screw everything up, always will.

Not Working

Talked too much, ruined it. Bummed out, drinking is a go tonight.

Games

Stop playing them. It's not cute, it's just plain annoying because I can see what you're doing. If you keep trying to play them, you're not only going to give me stupid unwarranted anxiety, but you're going to lose me too.

The Weeknd Part Deux

The Weeknd came out with a new album! Echos of Silence. Holy crap, it's so damn good. I'm sitting right now blown away. It's like he took the different sounds he was experimenting with from the first two albums, and amplified everything, managed to make it all work and create a much more cohesive and better sound. Check it out lovers. And Drake's newest album, Take Care came out Nov. 15 this year, is fucking amazing. It's got a lot of heart. Huzzahs and hoorays. Super stoked and eargasms all around.

Cuteness

And the one I am into, he should definitely know it haha. But anyway, he certainly lets it be known that he's into me. I was trying to clean my disaster of a room and told him what a mess it was. He replied with lyrics of a song,

"A tornado flew around my room before you came
Excuse the mess it made, it [usually] doesn't rain
In Southern California, much
Like Arizona, my eyes don't shed tears, but,
boy, they [pour], when I'm thinking about you."

-Frank Ocean "Thinking About You"


I'm a sucker for words. And he knows just the right thing to say to make me feel better. Today was shitty, so shitty, and now it's not. (:
He's definitely way different from what I'm used to. And the complete opposite, far from it, from the usual abusive relationships I've always gotten myself into. I've been trying to break my negative pattern for a while now and this could be really good for me.

P.S. He thinks I'm beautiful, and he let's me know it too.

People

People (guys especially) need to stop mistaking, a girl who is solely being a nice and friendly person, for someone who is interested and wants to be in a relationship with them. We don't want to date you, we're just nice people. Relax and stop giving yourself that much credit. When a girl is interested, you'll know it, there's a vast difference. What is wrong with people? jeez. Maybe guys and girls really can't just be friends.

Crazy

I can't believe you. I trusted you with my blog/writings, and behind my back you make fun and overindulge in the pleasure of how 'crazy' I really am. Well, you want crazy? I'll fucking show you crazy. I'm publishing everything I haven't yet thus far at the time I wrote them. I thought I was glad to have you back in my life, but you only came back to fuck it all up again. Fuck you, and fuck off. Yeah, you live less than 1 min away from me, but I trusted you and you just lie and lie. You're a manipulative sociopath, and I hope for your sake that you really do change one day. What the hell was I thinking? that there could every be a fiber of goodness within your being. You make me sick, disgusted even with myself. Don't come near me again.

Lemons

Damn, I'm so into you. At least, I think I might be! (we'll see what happens) (: Who would've thought? Life does create unexpected and fresh surprises. I love the holidays! What a great weekend. Friday fun date night, all classed and dressed up, at The Standard in Downtown L.A. then late night Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, good thing they close at 2a.m., then cruising and chilling. Texts galore all the time. Christmas party the next day, he had to work and couldn't make it, but I met up with him afterwards and we hit up Yardhouse til closing and chilled in the sparkly center with lights, a gigantic tree, and music. Went home around 3a.m. Texts on texts, on texts. Amazing, it really is all about timing, especially since we've taken the pressure off. Here's hoping! Cheers and night, lovers, indeed.

Yellow

I didn't just make lemonade, I painted that shit gold! Cheers and night lovers.

Motivation-Enthusiasm Scale

Is at an all time low today. Woke up crying, not cool. I feel so empty and dead right now, not cool.

Everyone's so full of shit. Can't trust anyone.

Atypical

Depression is kicking my ass. Fucking end it already, if only I had the courage to do it myself. Fuck, these thoughts aren't healthy.

Heartbreak Restart

I'm trying to ignore it, but god, it hurts so much I can't breathe. Just let me fall asleep please.

Alone

I've never felt so much.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

I love songs that bring back so many good feelings from such great times. It makes me relive all those great sentiments. That's the greatest part of nostalgia, because time is always fleeting and you can never get it back. Nostalgia is a blessing in disguise. Here's two great ones. I had an affair in high school with her first two albums, I don't listen to her new stuff now- frankly I kind of don't like it, tastes change and evolve with time, but I have a place in my heart for the first two.

I absolutely love love love singing out loud and dancing out to these songs.




I love how, with just one song, it can bring you back to life again in that moment. So, imagine if just one song can do that, what about two? And then a plethora of great songs- a magical playlist? Amazing, It can just make everything better. Great music just wraps you in such a lovely protective bubble. When nothing else works, music always does. Sigh, what a great day indeed. Happy Wednesday lovers. (:

Starting Over

Sucks.

Hits

God, and the hits just keep on fucking coming! Jeez, the universe really knows how to make you feel like shit. I (like always when these things happen) don't know whether to admit defeat and embrace the life of a pure cynic- which will probably never happen because I'm too much of a romanticist/idealist, or to just laugh completely nonstop at all these constant ridiculous disasters.  Lol, the rationalist part of me is really getting a kick out of this entertainment. You know what, but that's okay. Because this too shall pass. Just need to remember to breathe, it's a good thing I get over things quickly. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day lovers. Fuck everything of all the negative bad things. Fuck you very much.

Sunshine

(: Monumental day, monumental decision made. Life is good. Just keep pushing forward, everything shitty in life is temporary and will pass. I just need to keep reminding myself that. All of my close friends, of whom I love, know, I sometimes disappear for a while- because I need my space, but I always come back. (take whatever interpretation necessary)

Lol, like that's ever gonna work. But one can always hope.

Yep

Enough now. This is pathetic, I have more self-respect and dignity than this.

30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself

Check out this link. It's amazing and so true.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Diversions

Okay, resiliency mode. Put on some feel good music and forget about everything for now. I feel good now.

Residuals

Argh! Okay okay, I need to get my mind out of the gutter and focus, well, refocus. I need to channel all my energy towards my concrete professional goal. I shouldn't have time to think about anything else. How do you separate emotions from an innately emotional creature?

Other Disasters

I don't know what to do. Well, stop thinking, that's one of them. But you can't turn off the very essence of one's nature. I'm so tired of never knowing what to do anymore. Hopefully by the time I am finished writing this entry, I will feel a lot better about everything, since writing seems to make everything better. Anyway, how do I make this as least dramatic as possible. Well, to be honest, everything I've conclusively written and published recently has as been written quite calmly and collectively actually. As I've written these little droplets of sorrow, my mind has been a steady numbed, and stagnant standstill. It's me earnestly succumbing the the truth about everything, surrendering completely non-hysterically and quite physically composed. Which is more than I can say about my non-published and mortifying behavioral drunk actions this past weekend. But that is neither here nor there, just when I think I've done the worst, I've outdone myself once again. What's wrong with me? Oh too much, nothing, and everything. But I don't want to think about that any longer because I'll just feel even worse than I already do.

Wow, look at that, I already feel slightly elated and better. For now, but I'll take whatever I can get, it is the little things. But now that I feel better, I don't see the point in further confessions anymore since that will only make me feel worse again. Hm, yeah, I'll finish this entry later when I come back down again.

The only time I ever feel truly okay is when I'm asleep dreaming. The meds enable way vivid dreams, but I don't mind because they take me away from my own existence. It's the moment I wake up that is the worst. Because everything that is real and hurts comes flooding back to me tenfold, reminding me of just how unbearable the passing of time in this life is. I can hardly breathe, I'm drowning. The moment I wake, everything rushes back into memory and I feel like bursting into tears, all the time again. I go to sleep crying and I wake up wanting to cry.

Everything

Damnit, when will everything stop hurting. I want it all to end. I know I said I didn't want to die, but that's all I ever think about now. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be alive anymore. How do I make it all stop and go away? How do I make myself want to live?

Unhealthy

You came back into my life, and for a good 36 hours I felt actually whole again. Who knew that could be possible after the past what? 9 months? God, I can't even bring myself to even type out this entry. It's killing me.

I love you, but this isn't good for me. It's getting worse. Even as I try typing out this entry, I'm at a loss for words for just how bad I feel. I can't do this.

I should just stop while I'm ahead right? (or behind?)

I should get some rest.

Self Enabled Strandedism?

Made up word, whatever that means. Figure it out on your own accord. But I am trying to be as quiet as possible and make as little fuss as possible since whatever I do, I seem to be annoying the shit out of him. Thoroughly making me feel the least bit important and utterly foolish. I don't want to wake him up because he is grouchy and I really don't want to piss him off anymore than I already have. Though, I am cold as hell, this is all nonsense. Ugh, I shouldn't even be here, I'm clearly not wanted. I'm such an idiot,

Batshit

Batshit crazy.. I can't sleep, as always. Fucking Elavil doesn't even make me drowsy anymore, though I did not take it today- forgot. What bullshit though. Shit might be working, but it isn't like I'm taking it consistently. Everything is such bullshit. My mind is not neither here nor there. Actually, it's actually here or there. It's actually all over the place. Cheers.

Holy

Frack.

Sss-top

I want to just stop thinking, completely. Everything. Everything personal. I want my thinking process to just shut off. Going to try that to the best of my ability. If I'm going to be nonchalant about things, that has to absolutely follow suit. Stop thinking about emotionalities and focus everything else on pragmatism and future ambitious productivity. Go! (oh god, please help me and make it just as easy as saying it out loud)

Mmmm

Amazing what a great workout can do. A good workout can be life-changing. This just proves that I need to force myself to go to the gym even when I don't feel like getting out of bed because it seems to highly counter my melancholia. Head nod*.

But I got to tell you, from going at least 3-4 times (and/or nearly some sort of exercise everyday) a week to zero times in 3 weeks while playing hard on the weekends, boy do I feel out of shape. Sans playing hard on weekends, I would've been just fine, but nope. No go. But, it is like riding a bicycle. Muscle memory and all that juice. Luckily, being active enables more physical resiliency within the body. Pretty cool.

Let's see. Got out of bed today, went to work, studied, and went to the gym.
Wow I am just being loads productive today aren't I? Pretty good pretty good. I just need to keep at it, here's hoping.

Dead Weight

Sigh. Got some measuring to do. Smh.

Out

Yep, I got myself out of bed today. Feeling fine, I think the sunshine helps. And yet, I just really want to go home and get back into bed. I really just want to lay and submerge myself into a bubble of music. My entire body hurts. Who knew something psychological and mindly mental-emotional could transfer into physical correspondence? No idea how that's possible. But it's been so for the longest time. Ugh I haven't even been to the gym in 3 weeks, When I'm used to going almost every day. That's probably it too, the decrease in endorphins and the whole medication stop thing. Amazing just how quickly the body responds; amazing just how sensitive my body is. Maybe I just really need to really, really, dance it out.


I'm getting really sick and tired of myself. I don't know how to get out.


Part of me feels nothing. The other part feels everything.

Part of me feels like I can do it- go through the motions. The other part just wants it all to end. And the whole time I'm freaking out over everything I do because I know this huge setback is hindering my future career ambitions. And god knows what my parents must think of my apparent 'laziness'. Failure, just failure all around. Even my writing is so completely un-inspirational. It's all crap. How can any of this be remotely interesting? I assure you, it's not. It's bland.

Maybe I should've been an actress, 'cause I can pretend and lie so damn well. So damn well that no one knows what is going on. I think I've perfected the art of lying. I've become such a huge goddamnn liar. In everything I do, I'm a big fat phony.

I can't understand how or why people would be interested in this.- me. A shell of a person. Half of me so completely dead inside. Don't they know? Nothing good can come from me, and yet they all still flock. It's unfathomable. Nobody should want anything to do with me, I'm no good for them. It's a huge battle with myself. The multi-facets against each other, fighting to win out over one another. The negatives and the positives constantly fighting to the death to be on top, to be the one emotion that physically shows through my body. They'll kill each other, even if only to appear for a moment. Fucking inconsistency man.

Yeah, I know. I need to call my health provider to seek out a psychologist and psychiatrist. Did you know the difference between the two is, a psychologist counsels, while a psychiatrist just prescribes the drugs. Both of which I need desperately. This cycle's really getting to me. The cynical-rational part of me is annoyed as hell, while the deprived-hurt side is painstakingly oozing damage. I'm tired of hearing myself, tired of listening to myself; tired of myself. I want it all to stop.

Don't

Let it happen again.

It's a self-declared tug of war with myself. Bleh.

Ugh

Oh my god, I need to snap out of this atypical depression. This is annoying and pathetic!

Dis, Connect

I want it.

Dis, Interest

I'll manage to get up one day, feel like I can do it, and then the next day when it comes time to get up, I just can't. And everything happens all over again. It's a neverending hateful, guilt-full, redundant-full, and loathed-full cycle of which I can't ever seem to get rid of. All this pointless redundancy is so excruciating to bear. I walk around everyday a shell of a person. It's like I'm already dead; I'm a full on live ghost, just waiting. Waiting for this whole thing to pass.

I've lost all interest in everything that interests me. I'm filled with a complete nonchalance that I can't explain. I just don't care about anything anymore. I can't seem to even pick up a book because that act bores me now, watching tv is now boring, I can't seem to motivate myself for anything, can't even make myself get out of bed to get ready for the day. I just don't want or care to do anything. On top of all that, I am completely indecisive. I can't seem to make a decision on any matter, minuscule or big, so save my life. It's maddening. Ugh. I'm so all over the place, so inconsistent and spazzy.

This is very bad and dangerous. To be blatantly and genuinely honest, I was literally seconds away from calling a suicide hotline late last friday night, well technically saturday in the a.m. but who's getting technical, but I couldn't find a right designated number. Stupid I know, but true. This is really bad and I so hate the complete dramatics of it. Milliseconds away from self harm, seconds away from popping a whole bunch of pills I do have, seconds away from a car accident had the thought of how much the clean up would cost never crossed my mind. So you see, cutting is the least dangerous and most minor outlet of all, out of all the rest. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about my actions, and you really shouldn't be angry at me for doing so. Because it all could be a lot worse. Hanging by a thread, I could disappear at any moment.

I woke up the next morning, of course as always, feeling like a fool for the indulging of dramatics. Why does everything always have to be so damn dramatic? Even when it's out of complete earnest? It's so stupid, but you deal. And of course the feeling of foolishness is always countered with immense retreat. At least those are my own tactics. They're always countered with a flight tactic as to try maintain equilibrium within the body and mind and what follows is what I have now- complete disinterest. It's the process and mechanics of my mind. I have a complete lack of interest in anything.

The only thing I ever want to do is sleep and even that is a difficult task because it takes me forever to fall asleep. I must've laid in bed for hours last night, fully exhausted but unable to doze off. My mind is driving me insane, it never turns off and I want it to so bad. This transition period is so bad. The reason I am not on the great enablers of SSRI's is because my doctor won't put me in them. He says they work too well, so well in fact that when one stops taking them, because that is the wanted result- to be able to function without meds, you know, recovery, a person drops back down again. Thus leading to having to be put back on the meds again. I don't care, I'll take whatever pills, I just want to get out of this transition period where I feel so useless. I'm so goddamn useless right now. And I really cant do a physically active thing about it, except wait for it to hopefully pass before I ruin my life.

When It Rains

One of my personal favorites. Enjoy, it's beautiful. Perfect for any blissfully quiet night. Contemporary jazz piano, just listen.

Simple Loves

I love the smell of winter, well for me it's the smell of heaters haha. Who doesn't love that nostalgic feeling the body is somehow able to produce? It's like self-received pheromones or some shit haha. The sound and smell of heaters or the sight of sparkling lights or fire. It's the cheesy music. The constant use of scarves and hats, boots and leggings, big sweaters. Enjoying hot tea or coffee on a cold ass night, or even taking a hot soak in the tub with a great book. But it's not just that, even the outside air smells different. Love it.

Dance In Your Room Good

Yeah, I ain't gonna lie, I dance in my room all out with music blasting sometimes when I feel like it. Like now. Smiles all round lovers. Not your typical update dance song, but it's sweet enough and I'm eccentric enough. Get on it.

Gotta love the things that put you straight in a good mood. I only wish the song were longer. These guys- Say Hi - are amazing, check out their other stuff too. Enjoy.


My girl oh well she drives me where I need to go
She needs some and she's got a gun
Sometimes when we play games she cheats and I let it go
I'm the most lucky man I know

Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they don't make no fuss


Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they just blink for us

My girl oh well sometimes it just don't add up
She says she's here but I know she isn't
And she talks a lot and I doze out it works out pretty fine
She's got the looks and I've got the time

Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they don't make no fuss

Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they just blink for us

Good job fooling me once again and once again coming in and shattering my life after all the progress I've made. You wanted me to 'grow'? I'm not the one who needs to 'grow'. You do. A lot.

You can't keep doing this to me. And okay, I lied to you about my current love life. There's this great guy that wants me, a reliable one at that. And yet, I can't completely move forward because of you. Either choose to be in my life, really be in my life, or let me go. Because no matter what I will always be the sucker that falls for your games, every time.

Can't say I'm not scared as hell to be publishing this entry. But here goes anyway.

The thing is, now you're 'back in my life', at least for the time being. (I don't want to get away with myself again nor overcompensate and I'm scared to allow myself to think positively for fear of losing you again) How can something be so chaotic when nothing romantic has ever even started to begin with?

I'm almost afraid to even speak about it for fear of losing everything again.

And yeah, we really, really, need to have a full on communicative and god, sober, talk. Yet, albeit, the reason we get drunk is that we're too controlled and composed to ever really break down and speak to each other sober, so we use alcohol as a communicative mechanism enabler instead.

But at this point I just want us to be. To exist, co-exist, together. I'm so tired of all the mess and I'm at the point right now where I don't care anymore. (who knows what I'll feel as time passes, but right now this is how I feel) About anything, about the past or whatever. I just want us to stay in eachother's lives, no games goddamnit. Because honestly, if you disappear again, I don't know how I'll be or what I'll become. It was already the worst ever the last time, and if it happens again, I really don't know if I could take it. I don't know how either one of us could handle it, if all what you said the night you contacted me last week was true.

I don't know how to fix us. I don't know anything anymore. But I don't want to lose you again. It's pathetic, I know, but last week being with you- I felt whole again. I can't believe I'm publicly admitting it, but it's true. For the past 9 months I've been walking around with a big hole, a painful void, in my chest. And when I'm with you, I don't feel that way anymore. I never do. Within seconds you manage to make everything better.

There's no one else who has been able to replace you; I don't think anyone can. Yes I'm stuck on you, and sometimes I hate it because letting yourself completely rely one someone is a scary thing. And I'm scared to do it again, and okay, who asked me to? because no one did right? But I either let someone in or I don't, I either love someone or I don't, that zone has never been a gray area and it's way too late to change that or how I feel about you now, because I've already tried and that I failed miserably at.

And what trips me out is that I'm not the type of person to have ever 'pined' for someone as bad as this, let alone vent out all my frustrations in so many goddamn entries. It even makes the cynic part of me sick just thinking about all this indulged in cheesy loss love crap. Bleh lol.

But what are you going to do, out of all the years we've known each other, I never realized my real feelings for you until last year, after you came back and made me trust you again; I never realized just how great a part of me you were, until I lost you.

I'm so tired of missing you and not being able to tell you so. You still say I'm your best friend, that's what you tell me, we can't really be so if we don't try to stay in one another's life. I know I gave up, but that was after I thought you did. And also, so whatever if you don't want me as a girlfriend either, so we'll just stay best friends if that's what you really want. I don't care right now, we'll eventually work everything we need to out, just don't disappear on me again.

And I know I always have to ruin the moment because I'd rather ruin it than run away with a false idea. Yet for right now, I don't want to talk about anything serious anymore, about anything we seriously need to talk about, I just want to enjoy the feeling of the fact that we're actually sort of speaking again. And god, yeah we only live less than 2 minutes away from one another lol, ridiculous. Anyway, I promise, if you don't give up on me, I won't give up on you.

Another LeLove Repost- Thanks Again

Enough said.

Monday, November 28, 2011

unfinished business

I can’t get the hang of this. I’ve been typing and erasing and can’t decide how to write so I don’t know how it will turn out. My story is confusing, especially to me. You see, everything we’ve been through, it’s so baffling, intertwined and complexly stretched out that I can’t even put it into words. You know what they say about realising what you have only when you lose it? That’s exactly what happened.

I do not know when I realised it and it must have been a while after it ended... but as time went on and all our different aspects were becoming apparent to each other- for my part at least- I think I fell in love. Fell in love when I wasn’t even on talking terms with this other person.

The thing is that the actual 'relationship' was a short ordeal. We went out for a few weeks but after a while, it was abruptly cut short. All in all, it was a quick thing, too quick for us to properly adjust to each other. The worst part is that despite everything, we had a whole lot of 'moments' and little sweet memories that keep haunting you.

So for two years it’s been this mesh of an unfinished business, an unspoken of and non-verbal communication and many, many stupid mistakes. We used to see a lot of each other so it was painful. There was no way I could move on, especially me being so overwhelmed with his presence. Sometimes one of us made a move. We ignored each other- I don’t know why. We would then get mad with each other and that made everything worse. Cowards and bloody idiots!

Today, I do not know what will happen. Sometimes I feel so sad that two people can be so complimentary and yet clash so much at the same time. I used to get really sad about this. Twice I tried to contact him. Useless. Just as useless as his attempts were.

I have finally accepted the fact that the right occasion won’t ever come up. Not now anyway, I don’t ever see him. Which is good. At least I can have a good shot at moving on.

My final and concluding thought is that I really wish that it wasn’t for him the way it was for me. Because in that case it must have been bloody painful and I really don’t want him to have gone through all that.

I love you.

Despite everything.
Posted by Le Love at 7:11 PM

Bender

I'm on a music bender right now. This moment. I love how it can encapsulate your mind into a blissful bubble and soothe for that momental duration. Music is an essence of life and it warms the body through invisible electrical currents which flow throughout the entire cavity.

4a.m.

I was up until 4a.m. last night reading. Is it too cliche or overrated to really get into the fact that I've been reading Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation? Is it too overplayed to be as self-indulgent to compare something so monumental and historically changing to one's own miniscule and petty life? But the problem in life is that no one can really ever stand to be completely alone- isolated from everyone. Despite everything, everyone consciously or unconsciously searches for a familiarity that will effectively suffice for any felt void. Even as it is fought- out of self-preservation, secretly, deep down, it is the only thing that is ever truly craved.

Everyone yearns to be accepted and loved; it's the natural and instinctive, built in, desire of our species. But with the pure consent of acceptance and love, first comes the necessity for a relevant full understanding and familiarity to know and acknowledge that you aren't the only one.

It definitely is an eye opener and I am gaining a lot more insight. It's comforting and at the same time strange to be absorbing something that hits so damn close to home yet also the accumulated awareness with piecing together extreme differences as well. Because it could always be worse. She had it pretty bad, worse even.

But relatable it definitely is. It's putting a lot of things in perspective for me. I actually can hardly put it down when I pick it up.

It calls into question the extent of a disorder. It's making me feel as if I make big deals out of nothing. It's also making me feel as though I am completely delusional in the things I capriciously let myself fall into and believe. It makes me feel bad for my behavior.

But it also makes me accept all the above as being all completely true, but being all okay because that's just how I'm built. I shouldn't have to make up excuses for who I am or the things I do. I shouldn't be ashamed.

Suture

Sometimes I actually surprise myself lol. Another marker. Cheers.

Sometimes, I feel like I really am just being dramatic and making a whole big deal out of nothing about my 'situation'- whatever it is. Because let's face it, truth- I am a pretty lucky and too fortunate girl. Should why should I even be like this at all? Why should my mind be constantly filled? I haven't earned the right to feel this horribly because there are worse circumstances that have happened to others.

And sometimes, when I feel good like I do now, I feel as if nothing is really wrong with me after all. That maybe I really am normal and everything is all just in my head.

That's it thought isn't it?- 'all in my head.' And it's taken me a long time to get to this point of realization and acceptance.

If nothing were wrong, it wouldn't be in my head at all. I wouldn't be wanting and trying to be someone who I'm not. I wouldn't be lying to everyone through lying to myself, constantly seeking for any sort of approval, trying to impress, and be craving to be well-liked (well thank god not anymore, but before I did). My mind wouldn't be playing tricks on me and over-indulging in these delusional and obsessive fantasies. Yeah, I hate to say it, but I become obsessed with things. It's true, and I'm finally just accepting it everything I've been not wanting to realize about myself. But you could probably tell already even if I never could. It all is just what it is and has been.

I wouldn't be so prone to high and lows just based on mere petty expectations and outcomes. I wouldn't be relying all of my ability to be 'happy' on the thought that if something goes perfectly right, then everything will be alright. I wouldn't feel like everything is a goddamn ultimatum or bargain for the positivity in my life.

Yet, despite all that, I really do feel as if nothing is wrong with me at times.

But when I happen to be low, when the sunshine diminishes in my mind, that's where the problems arise. That's what reminds me that whatever is going on inside my head, inside me, isn't right. That's when I know, that something's wrong. And this has been going on for way too long to ignore altogether. I have all these images in my head that flash by, as back as I can remember, and it's awful that it's been going on since then. But I still can't help but feel silly and stupid. It isn't like I want to be dramatic nor make a big deal out of things, I don't try, whatever comes out of me just happens to come out the way it does.

But I'll feel whatever it is I feel and it'll be whatever it will be.

Quitting

Fuck it all. Life can suck it. I should've never gotten out of bed to begin with. I don't give a shit anymore.

Why the fuck am I awake right now? It's 'cause I haven't been able to fall asleep soundly today yet, I keep fucking waking up.

I know now

Okay, I know many people, most people use razors. I've never understood why until now. I've never used them before and still haven't, but I understand why now. Its because they're easier, thinner, less difficult to pierce through anything. But they also hurt less because they're easier.

Fool

I'm such a goddamn one.

I'm trying not to kill myself right now. Help me.

I know when I decide to go, I'll either OD on pills, or just crash into a hard wall. God I want the courage to do so, so bad. I want to not exist anymore. Sorry parents.

Play, List

A few Christmas favorites (in no particular order):

Yeah, Christmas is my favorite holiday ever. I don't usually prefer the cheesiness of most things, but I'm a huge sucker and can't help but give in to the Xmas spirit, Neh. So there ya go. (;

1. Mariah Carey: All I Want For Christmas
2. Bon Jovi: Bells Will Be Ringing
3. Glee: Last Christmas, Baby It's Cold Outside, Merry Christmas Darling, Oh Holy Night,
4. Macy Gray: Santa Baby
5. Kelly Rowland: I'm Beginning To See The Light
6. Kelly Clarkson: My Grown Up Christmas Wish
7. Vince Guaraldi: Christmas Time Is Here
8. The Chipmunks: Christmas Don't Be Late
9. Christina Aguilera: This Christmas

Of course there are a lot of different versions and original versions that do the trick just as well.

Last Christimas

Dude, I have not been keeping up with Glee at all this season, but I've been listening to Christmas songs all day at work today and this came on. One of my favorite Christmas songs, I've loved this song by Wham ever since I can remember that there ever was a holiday. I love Christmas. Haha I wish it could always be Christmas season. Warm and fuzzies galore dears.

Here's the clip and then the full song. Such cuties.



"I wrapped it up and sent it, with a note saying 'I love you', I meant it."

The Come Up

The ability to turn a situation around is one of the greatest working things within the simplicity of every day life. Despite all this fluctuating and at times hopeless and devastating, turmoil, I am still really grateful to have such great friends. I find myself being stunned with the realization every so often. I'm a very lucky girl. (yeah, it's incomprehensible to me why my brain acts the way it does and needs meds, but I'm working on it dude) I have the best people in the world around me in my life. Some of the littlest insignificant things can reinforce the goodness in everything.

Vintage Feel

Woke up feeling a little bit of Otis today. Cheers to 'Try A Little Tenderness' and 'Cigarettes and Coffee'. My all time favorite songs from the man. Then proceeded to follow with Etta James's 'Anything To Say You're Mine'-the dragged out beginning vocal sounds, and Brandie Carlile's 'Break It To Me Gently'- the instrumental really gets me. Gotta love them oldies, sucker for slow blues/soul/jazz. <3

Modern Throwback

Old favorite.

Should

This should be a long one, but it won't be. It's just a mere marker for 11/30/1
2011. Here.

Still True

That I'd rather be asleep dreaming, in a different world, than ever awake.

L.O.V.E. And Then Some

I haven't been able to really listen, watch, or read anything too sentimentally interwoven with love as of these past several, several, months. Because once I do, it hits harder and the reality just becomes all too real again. It's the very thing I'm trying to heal from and albeit, run away from. I feel like I'm permanently disconnected, like it just isn't possible for me anymore to let myself gain any progress in romantic love. There are all these great guys, but I always find some way to fuck it up on purpose- just so I can have a reason to not become involved. My friends say I'm too picky, though, I deserve to be- everyone does. But, I always hit a wall. My brain feels like something physically disconnects, disabling my any ability to function in that form.

Yes, it's because I'm scared shitless. My self-preservation is on auto-pilot all the time now without my own enabling. It's become a built in instinct now rather than a mere defense mechanism. It's part of who I am now. There is no on/off switch anymore. It's a nature chemical my body has learned to produce and generate.

Guys start talking to me and it's all really chill until a certain point, then I just physically disappear. Yes, I push people away. And yes, I am working on that. But, god, when did I become such a chicken shit? It is hitting me more and more now than ever that I am such a coward. Well, what are you going to do though right?

I'm getting better though. But most of the great things are woven in just that; the one thing I can't bring myself to be anywhere remotely around, physically or mentally. Especially with music. Music is such a big part of me and most of it is all about love, because that's how the great ones are born. So hence the emergence of this entry.

Yeah, I'm getting better, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt just as much when I allow myself to really feel it.

I feel like I lost something, something that wasn't even mine, but it was so close within my grasp, that to just lose it is just as bad.

And at the same time, it's like, what the hell am I waiting for?
I don't know. I don't seem to know anything anymore and I'm more indecisive about everything now than ever. It's horrible never knowing anything anymore and being unsure about everything going on in your own body and life.

I think I'm still just waiting, for you. I know, so pathetic and psychotic right? All of which I completely should not be doing because that's long gone and something that will never be.
Either that, or I'm still holding out for the dream, but everyone can say that dreams are unreachable and that sooner or later I'm just going to have to understand that, and lower my expectations. But I just can't. I can't help but still keep waiting for something to hit me outright in the gut, so much that I'll know without any uncertainty. Yet, that also poses a bittersweet notion of attainability because it feels like it's something that is so far away and impossible right now.

Great, and now I've run myself into a looping paradox filled with never-ending,
crap.
And I know, it's like stop waiting for something to happen and just go out there and do something. Well, shut the fuck up because I've already done everything of the 'doing something method' possible than anyone can ever feel. So I don't need any of that self-help inspirational bullshit.

I'm so in over my head of re-cyclic ironies and contradicting quandaries that no wonder I'm going mad.
I'm so tired, all the time; I feel like bursting into tears, all the time. I cry so easily now, it's so odd. I just don't want to do anything anymore; I want time to stop.

'Cause There'll Be No Sunlight

Gotta love this kid's voice. Love love love his voice. Glad he's coming out with more music. And yeah he's an idiot for getting caught with drugs, but he's still such a cutie. I'm telling you, it's those voices, they friggen get me- every time.

In Another Life

The one that got away.

Weekend Highs

Well, that changes everything between us doesn't it? Even though it was a long time coming. Don't know how I feel about that. So let's just not think about it then eh? Haha.

...

I feel like my mind is literally going crazy, my head and body, I feel so spazzy.

Forget

Oh, right. I forgot how dead and immobile I felt and was before the meds started kicking in. Exactly how I feel now. Waiting is one of the worst things.

Transitions

Wow, this transitional period can kiss my ass. I haven't been to work all week, in fact, I've been in bed the entire time. Feeling like bursting into tears, repressing it by oversleeping the entire time. Not having any motivation to do anything, the entire time. I feel so unstable and indifferent about everything and my chest aches. This is torture. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Test

So my blood tests came back good. Liver, kidneys, and thyroid all well. My blood count is lower now though, yet, nothing to worry about. But despite all that, I should be good. So, why am I throwing up small traces of blood?

Dissolve

i feel like throwing up or crying. why. shake it off already damnit. this is ridiculously stupid. and i can't sleep, shit man.

Withdrawals

It's only been a day and I've got these creeping headache to migranes and sudden nausea. Bleh. But I feel more awake now, like I'm not walking in muffled cloud. I don't know how to explain it. Like I'm more in my own body now, physically 'living' to call it. That's probably the norm, but I don't like how my emotions and sensitivity is rushing back to me. It's like I can feel it progressively flooding back. And it's only been a day. Am I being super paranoid? Probably, like always.

One More Try- The Short Version

I find it really odd. That sometimes when I feel good, like right now, I feel really good. So good in fact that I think maybe nothing serious really is wrong with me. But that's how I feel right now. I know better than to just fly on that alone. Oh, I've tried and I now know a lot better.

What counters that inference, is that when I'm low, I definitely know something is wrong. Because this shit surely ain't right. Lol. The extremes are incredibly startling and frightening.

Just weird how much shit likes to fuck with a person. But it definitely answers the question, "How do you honestly know?" Normal people don't think about wanting to end their lives all the time nor do they like to carve patterns into their own epidermis while thoroughly enjoying the sight of the sanguinary.

I say this just out of pure declaration lol, so don't take it too seriously/darkly. I said I feel good right now, relax haha. But with me, who knows. :D

Yep.

Fracking Shit

This is pissing me off.

Twice I have tried to write about certain important topics today. And yet, I can't seem to hit a block. So I haven't published the entries yet. They're incomplete.

I can't seem to explain and say exactly whatever it is that I want to express. Like I'm stumbling over my fucking words. Nothing is coming out smoothly. I feel slow and disabled, and distracted. Like I can't focus.

And I don't know why. I mean, these are important topics and I can't seem to get anything out correctly and the right way.

Do you think it's my brain's self-preservation preventing me from fully expressing what I need to expel? I feel as if part of me isn't ready yet to throw myself, submerge myself, to figure it all out completely, into those dark emotions.

Like, I want to, but I can't seem to. I feel like my brain is hitting a massive block of disconnect as I am trying to work it out. Nothing is coming out right. It's like I can't seem to work it out smoothly even as I can see everything written out before me. Which always seems to help me structure things easier. And yet as I type these words, they come out easier. Easier than these fucking ridiculous topics of deep rooted skeletal issues. It's like something is shooting an electric signal throughout my head to just be impaired in that department.

I'm trying to figure shit out and it's like my brain doesn't have the ability, the IQ points to quite literally work it through and out. Either that or my self-preservation is a little too strongly enforced that my conscious self can't even bypass it. It's like my brain is trying to expand and evolve, but it isn't success isn't being executed very well. So it feels like an already stretched out rubber band just slowly stretching and then not and then back again and then not again.

So now I have these two entries that I would really like to publish, but I can't because they're all wrong and screwed up. I can't even find descriptions to explain how displaced and unstructured these entries are. I have entries I've written of which I haven't published before, but those are complete and well edited. But these, it's like I was going somewhere, then I lose myself, and it's just all fragmented. So I just gave up. I can't seem to piece it all together yet and it's pissing me off. I don't know whether to laugh at my frustrations or what. Bleh.

Fucking c'est la vie. I'm going to go lose myself in a book instead.

Reuptake Inhibition Vs. Tricyclic

Bupropion (Wellbutrin) is said to be a norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitior.

While Amitriptyline (Elavil) is a tricyclic (TCA).

Confusing huh?
As you see, I'm trying to read up on everything before I begin a new medication. Today is the first day I have not taken Wellbutrin XL in a long time. I don't know what I feel, but I'm guessing in the next month or so, I'm about to find out.

Not Working

I usually try to put off going to the doctor's as much as possible for fear that something worse might arise within my systems. But today I feel utterly exhausted and like shit. And I worked up the nerve to actually tell my physician the truth, well, part of it.

I told him how there is definitely a difference between not being on my meds and being on them, but that I still get irritated a lot. I told him how I am tired all the time, regardless of how much sleep I do or don't get, and how lack of sleep has no part in my irritability. I told him how I still rise and fall with my moods.

We've all been witness, so can't deny that.

The good thing is, my liver, kidney, and thyroid are good. My blood pressure and heart rate is good as well. Yet, my blood count has dropped. But, I'm not anemic and I don't think I will be. So we've got to keep an eye on that.

On a side note, it hit us (me and my physician), that I have been on meds for almost a year and still there hasn't been much change. (oh shit, over a year in fact) He mentioned maybe I should try a different sort of medication because a year is a long time for a drug trial.

So I'm switching meds. He gave me a prescription to try out: Elavil. Can't say that I am excited or looking forward to this. For one, it is supposed to make me drowsy. I told him how I have a hard time sleeping because I can't turn my brain off. So he said this will help me get drowsy and fall asleep better. So we'll see.

He says it's an older medication. Newer meds have less side effects while older ones do, well for obvious reasons of scientific advances. But he says considering my symptoms and moods, maybe I need something older to counter whatever it is that I have.

I don't know shit about this Elavil at all, so I am going to need to do some extensive googling to cover my bases. He told me to stop taking Wellbutrin XL, I've got to wait a week for it to clear my system and then take the Elavil. But I do know I will have to really stop drinking alcohol. I need to stop drinking. So I am completely for that. Just hope my self-discipline will help me out.

Okay, I haven't mentioned this, but when I sleep, part of the reason I have a hard time falling asleep is because once I begin to drift off, my body stops breathing and so it reacts with a fidget to get me to remember to breathe. Yeah, not cool. This has been happening for quite some time. I literally forget to breathe sometimes.

So the doctor said I might be tired all the time because of hypoxia, my brain and body aren't getting enough oxygen. Makes sense. He mentioned that I might have sleep apnea. So he told me to have people check on me while I sleep to see if my breathing is consistent or not. Oh great. But that's not going to happen, who the fuck is going to check on my breathing? Lol, really? Oh well.

That's the least of my problems. I'm actually quite calm about everything, I just don't want to feel so hopeless anymore. I asked him about psychologist referrals and what not. So look at me being all proactive. I'll just have to see what my insurance covers. But hey, the new medication costs only $5.32 with my Co-Pay, whereas the Wellbutrin XL cost $15, pretty cool right? But those are the perks of older drugs, more side effects, less demand and less cost.

I'm just worried about what side effects I'll have because my body is so sensitive. So, again, we'll see.

Cracks And Gaps

I just came back from the doctor's office today, for a check up follow up.

When I came back, the first thing my mother says after "Hi!" is, "Are you normal?"

Wow, see just how great the gap really is?

I replied, "'Course I'm not normal."

Hotel Song

Haha, I love this song. It's so fun to listen to (despite the intense lyrics haha). Enjoy.


"I have dreams of orca whales and owls.."

In/Out Crowd Electricity

I just want to disappear from my social life for a while, actually wanted to do it for quite some time now. I want to be so unreachable for such a good amount of time. It's a shame that I honestly don't have the heart to ignore my friends- those who I have chosen to keep dear and near to me- I wish I could, but I just can't. But that is what I want most right now. To just be so completely disconnected from any gregarious reality I am automatically involved in. I feel as if that is the only way I can fully recharge from life.

With Love, I Can't

I'm sorry. I don't think it's possible for me to get close to anyone anymore. Even as I try, I always end up hitting this huge wall. I meet all these potential guys (I know, it's actually ridiculous just how many guys I happen to meet and complicate on a regular basis which is ironic considering my horrible luck and experience with love and lust) and I end up purposely ruining each and every one of the relationships out of my own nitpicking. I intentionally find faults in everything just so I have an excuse to flee and push anything that wants to get close to me away. Every time someone new gets close, I immediately retreat back into my comfort zone despite all the progress I've made. It's like something sends up warning signals within me and I just stop. I'm so used to being independent and only relying on myself because the bottom always always falls out, that I don't think I have the capability of really trusting anyone ever again. I can't. I just end up feeling super vulnerable, all the time- it fills me with this heavy sense of off insecurity that doesn't come from any superficially bounded region. It's just a self-perpetuating feeling of extreme uneasiness that I cannot explain. Like today. Anytime I get remotely close to any sort of succeeded happiness or chance, I close up and my timidity plays out in full force. A force field emerges and I just am physically unable to possess any sort of executable ability for human attachment. And it just makes me want to disappear and disconnect with the world. I want to be able to trust, but it's like a literal barrier preventing me from ever advancing. It's awfully initial and instinctive, it occurs within me without me even conjuring it.

I want to be able to open up, but I don't know. Not even you as you have slowly worked your way into my life without me having known or it realized it til just recently, you're amazing and you've always been amazing. Our relationship is easy and open. You've always been so patient and completely non-judgmental with me and I can't believe I never realized it that you were there the entire time. You even knowingly accept and understand my crazy factor; you embrace it rather than try to fight or change it- me.

Everyone wants to change me, but you like me just the way I am, craziness, whimsical, insecure, unsteady wreck as it is. I realized it too late, it actually hit me out of no where- as things usually and always do, when I already let all the damage effectively affect me. But as it hit me, I wished that I had never came to realize it.

You make me feel safe in my perpetually vulnerable felt skin. But that doesn't mean I want to become attached to any person again. Nor does it mean I want to let myself completely rely and trust anyone again  either. It's too easy to lose yourself (myself) when you (I) do. And I don't ever want to lose myself again nor continue to do so.

I'm not ready- I'm sorry. Hopefully it'll all work out one day. You read me so well and we know each other too well. So just give it time. Because that's what I really need. The thing is, I don't know what I want, at all. Really. Having to make any sort of decision in anything frightens me to intense measures. I'm too all over the place. And anything going remotely slow is still going too fast for me, so I'm just going to need a lot more time than we both had ever understood. but it'll all work out eventually. This isn't how life is supposed to stay.

City High

Damn, I used to love these guys. It's a shame. The only thing bad about time passing and change is that great music like this gets lost. Check out the whole album. Amazing. Too bad they broke up.

There's a remix with Eve, but I like the original better. Old jams are the best.


Oh, memories. (: <3

Shut It Down

"You feel the hours pass, until you find something.
I feel like when she moves, the time doesn’t."

Break It

To me gently.

Heard this on the new show Pan Am. The last episode had me in tears lol. You all know how I'm a huge sucker for anything vintage, so I'm falling in love with the show. (along with Once Upon A Time, but that's another story haha- huge sucker for Fairytales too, guess it was the way I grew up) I wished I had lived my prime in the 50s of America. Granted I would've probably had to be Caucasian to thoroughly enjoy it with all the lust it had to offer, but I love the romanticism and classiness of it all. Men in slick suits and women in amazing casual heels and great attire- and everyone in hats. I'm a huge romanticist. Eh, what are you gonna do. Isn't it weird just how eccentric my tastes in music is? Eclectic to boot. Neh, Music is an essence of life. It's part of the heart and soul.

Shitty Jumpstart Wednesday, Get Ready

I feel like shit. Woke up to a dream about water, again, the ocean shore to be exact. This time is was slightly murky. Not dirty, but just slightly clouded, like after you drink a glass of milk and then fill it up with water, but a faint brown color instead.

I was in the water for a moment when people told me to get out and then something small that I couldn't clearly see was chasing me? I say this with uncertainty because I really don't get it myself, since I thought I was fine in the water until they made their alarms known.

But that's not why I feel like shit.

The last dream I woke up to, is the reoccurring dream that always happens, the plot, scenario, and intention being the same, but different setting. It's always the same, yet reformulated differently. But it's always the same. And I never seem to be able to not dream it nor want to not be asleep, or get up from bed afterwards.

I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt of this scenario. It's like a reality that you can never have, from a realm that can never be because everything's been chased away, scared away, worsened away, and ruined away. It's always you.
I guess my desire to reunite, clear up, and smooth things over is so great that it's taking over my subconscious as I strongly suppress it from my waking life. You can't help what you dream up during your REM cycles.
And though as much as I passive aggressively try to hate you and make me forget you, I'm still having problems. I know, this is ridiculous, even to me. I should be over this already. We'll never really understand the inner workings of the mind and heart dynamic. But who would've thought this would ever happen to me?

Believe me when I say, I really am trying so hard. So hard to erase and forget everything. So hard at forcefully turning the wheels to not just move forward, but to leap forward instead. So hard to be angry and hate you as I should, but I can't. And it isn't as if I am trying to hold on, because I'm genuinely not. But with every action there is a reaction; with every cause there is an effect. It's the law of the universe to have a counterpart to something as to maintain balance.

I have gone over and over this in my mind, and I still cannot believe myself for being stuck like this. It's as if I am seeing myself from the outside as an observer, and not really believing and registering what is really happening to this person. I still can't believe this is happening to me, by my own doing too. I'm slightly in shock that this is really how things are for me. The rationally neutral part of me just can't seem to logically wrap my mind around the reality of this catastrophe, even if my emotions tell me otherwise everyday. Jeez, I sound like some sort of BPD or schizo case; like there are different people within me that are living their own separate lives all at the same time, trapped within my physical whole body. The ability to break things down and consider them as separate entities really does not help me in this case, in fact it most likely serves to further enable this all.

I have never been hit as hard as this.
Even with my very first, novel, puppy, love and heartbreak encounter so many years ago, I don't think that reigned over my thoughts as much as this situation has done.

I can only imagine what your mind thinks about all this emotional wreckage you have experienced first hand when my inebriated self feels like 'reaching out'. I already know what sober me thinks, and it's full of shame, humiliation, and mortification. It all makes me want to disappear long enough so that it all doesn't seem so bad anymore, so it's as if it all never happened- so the mind will forget every action. If I saw the disaster of myself coming, I'd run too. But that's besides the point. What's done is done. But that doesn't mean I want anything either. In fact, truthfully, I don't want anything.

Whenever it happens I always swear that it will never happen again, but I guess my subconscious is having more of a hard time than conscious me. I don't know how I could ever face you again after all the stupid things I've done. And you've always been so calm and composed, and patient nonetheless. I can't imagine what you must be thinking of my behavior. (stupid, immature, etc.) I honestly can't understand nor explain how some actions are really really unpreventable, some of them I didn't even remember the next day. The motives I can't even understand either, I can't understand them because I can't seem to remember them. The only way I find out what I've done is when I began to backtrack all my destructive traces or unexpectedly get hit with something.

I don't know whether to hate you or not because I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. I tried talking to you the last time we spoken on the phone, I wanted to get to the bottom of everything, but you became unreachable again and I can take a hint. I guess the goodness I believe you really do possess, the part I love about you, refuses to believe that you'd be such a cruel and cold person as to really not care at all. But the other part of me takes the signs of silence and avoidance to be what it really is, that nothing ever really meant anything to you, and that I was utterly fooled. It's all become something that might as well have never happened, or should've never happened. But, I am sorry. About everything.

I'm just so tired of trying hard to hate you and forget you forever. After so long, it still creeps up on me no matter how much I fight it. I'm not doing it anymore, the only thing really left is indifference. It all is what it is, and one day it'll all just seem like a distant forgotten memory. I just need to patiently wait for it. This disconnect is a good thing. We shouldn't be near each other. And all this used up space is a waste of useless time. I don't want this.

God, listen to me, I seemed to have became an insane and obsessed, overtly imaginative, incredibly naive and stupid person; one who has not only run away with fictional thoughts, but also, who wholeheartedly came to believe in her skewed perceptions. A girl who is the epitome of what people literally call to be in the category of the 'crazy ones', you know, the ones people warn about. Do you think that's actually who I really am? That I just can't see it for myself?

I let the broken girl from childhood come out, when I should've never revealed her to begin with. It made me insecure and unsteady when I am already both. I opened up a huge motherfucking can of the worst worms. The Pandora's friggen box of bombs and exploding chaos. Bad shit happens when you let your defenses down, but how can you really live without doing so? Either way, you can't win.

I hate that. I hate that there's this other part of me that became (or is?) as such. I feel like I also suffocate myself. I get so sick of everything, even my own thoughts, might explain the split persona. Maybe that's why I would rather be asleep than awake most of the time, yet there's never enough time for slumber.

The fact that I have even dedicated so much of my space to this is at times unfathomable to me, not to mention absolutely absurd in regards to the spectrum of who I normally am. I'm usually a well pragmatic and logical person, so how did this other persona, this alter-ego emerge? Even to me, it sounds so pathetic and albeit, and unfortunately, clingy. That's the worst. How did I become this person? Is this who I really am? Maybe I am completely different from who I think I am. Boy does that open up the topic of psychoanalysis to discussion.

I don't want to always explain myself anymore. I need to get rid of the need to gain approval from everyone (incredible how much a screwy childhood fucks you up as an adult right? shit stays with you for life). I've narrowed it down 50%, but the other half needs to go. It's a huge crutch. I am who I am- unstable and insecure, simultaneous self-loathing and self-loving, and the crazy, backhanded capriciousness or not. I've been embracing and learning to continue to do so with every facet and fiber of my body.

But it's not happening quickly enough. I've been so sick of this back and forthing for the past couple years that it actually makes feel like throwing up from the self-disgust of it all. The constant repetition of thoughts is exhausting, I can't imagine those who have read this can be able to continue reading it either. I feel like all this repetitive trial and error/failure has created this thick cloud that will never dissipate, but will only continue to choke my lungs. I don't know whether to cry or take it out on something else, or what. Because either way, it's always there.

Okay yeah, maybe a psychologist may help, but the problem isn't what I don't know, 'cause I already know all that, the problem is what to do about it all to retain the grasp on life. If I don't know what to do about it, then how is reiterating everything that has circulated my mind for years going to help? I've been trying to get past all this crap for years and everything still haunts me. How do you in fact let everything go? Is that even possible? I actively try and put everything behind me, and yet failures have been inevitable. I get so tired of never giving up, but it isn't in my stubborn and independent nature to succumb. But it all sure is draining. Maybe that's why I'm always constantly fatigued no matter how much sleep I do or don't get.

Do you think it's true, that love makes people weak? (you know, the whole '7 days without you makes one [weak]' thing) I'm beginning to. How else would I be so completely flawed? The heart on my sleeve doesn't belong to me, it belongs to everyone else.

A Favorite 'Little Bit' Throwback

(Who doesn't love Drake, and his sexy ass voice. Love Lykke Li too of coz and the sound of her voice in this one, but love Drake mo'.)


Hands down
I'm too proud for love
But with eyes shut
It's you I'm thinking of

But how we move from A to B it can't be up to me
'Cause you don't know
Who I was before you
Basically to see a change in me
I'd be losing, so I just ignore you, yeah
Oh, oho
But your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind
Oh,
But maybe in time, in time, in time
I'll tell you

A little bit, a little bit
A little bit in love with you
I guess that I'm a little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
Oh

I know you told me break their hearts
But it's you I wanna take apart
And I will never ever be the first, to say it
But still I they know I ah

I would do it
Push a button
Pull a trigger
Climb a mountain
Jump off a cliff
'Cause you know baby I love you love you
A little bit

You would do it
You would say it
You'd mean it
I would let you do it
It was you and I and I only
Ha, hm

I think I'm a little bit
Little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit
Little bit
In love with me

I hope they never find out
What they already know, know, know
As soon as it's official
We'll have to let it go, go, go
So we don't confirm the fling
Keep avoiding all the questions
You could teach me many things
I'm just scared to learn a lesson

The pressure's on
Both hearts beat like a metronome
Both n'sync like a Justin song
Feels so right but it's just so wrong
I wonder where my whereabouts?
Where niggas that I know, tryna talk my girl out
And her friends say I ain't the one to go for
She just get jealous 'cause you always get approached more
Oh, well, tell her fall back
Caught up in some more shit
Tell her call back
Tell her get a man that ain't cheating on her ass
With a girl that I know, yeah, tell her all that, that
And as for you I think I know you're the one
The closest I've come
I'm probably

A little bit
A little bit
A little bit in love with you
I guess that I'm a little bit
A little bit
A little bit
A little bit in love with you

Out Of [My] Head

Why. You fucking borderline sociopath. How much longer, of this. Permanently get out of my thoughts already.
The heart and mind can be so twisted. Masochism at its finest.

All I Want

Yes, Oh God, Yes

So good I had to repost. Thank you PostSecret

Time

I've been wondering a lot lately, do you think time can eventually erase away everything, anything, bad that you really wish had never happened? Theoretically yes, but physically as you're still in breathing existence, do you think it's possible for just enough time to pass, enough to say it never happened? Do you think all the worse for wear that has ever happened can be as if it was never there, to begin to genuinely start all over?

I wish.

Wow

Okay, I am not doing this with you, nor anyone else. I still maintain the fact that I really do not want to date right now. And thought we've only been 'talking' for less than 2 weeks, I need a break from you. I'm beginning to feel smothered. Perhaps this is my fault for being so extroverted.

I went into this 'talking' with indifference; it didn't matter if it went somewhere or if we stayed friends. You're a really nice guy, but the problem is that, you're the same age as I. I'm not trying to be somebody's mother and I definitely do not and refuse to baby people. I've always just related better with older human beings.

We grow older and mature for a reason. Life gets better with time. I'm searching for an intellectual equal. I am not the kind of person to spoon feed, sugarcoat, or hold anyone's hand; I'm not the sort of person to join in on the pity and sympathy of those who feel sorry for themselves. I gauge my empathy neutrally and logically as a whole rather than on superficial obstacles. I can only give advice and support so far, but I refuse to do your own heavy lifting for you. I told you, I am the kind of person to be there for people but not actually be there. I don't interfere nor preach. I have my own opinions but I still support and accept any endeavor people choose to execute. Everything about me is ultimately neutral and subjective. It's their lives, not mine.

As I want everyone to stop telling me, who or how I should be, or what I should or shouldn't do, I treat others how I would like to be treated. It's my life and my decision how to live it. Which is why I'm not going to tell you how to live your life even if others do. I'm not going to make your decisions for you. (and this entire entry actually applies to a lot of people out there in the majority)

Everyone has the capability to take care of themselves when they get to the age of a young adult. Stop sulking and do something about it then; stop being so goddamn pouty and clingy, you're sensitive and hurt feelings act is not going to work on me. In fact, it just repels me even more. It might work for others, but your act only works on an audience and you'll only be able to get away with it for so long. Take a look at the big picture. Maybe there's a reason why things have gone the way they have for you. When nothing has worked, stop blaming others and holding grudges, instead, look at your own actions to break it down and understand. Stop making up excuses and see things simply and neutrally for what they are.

There is a difference between actively trying to get over something and then passively acknowledging it. It takes more willpower and mentality than that. Constant sulking and whining is not going to get you anywhere. If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep on trying and deal with all the stumbles and occasional ditches with strength. There can and probably will be quite a few relapses, but as long as you keep fucking trying to move forward, you're good. It's when you let yourself indulge in the exaggerated and pointless sulking that you start to become useless and ridiculous. Take the necessary impact period to completely wallow out your emotional trauma, but then after all that, friggen help yourself to move forward. Don't drag it out to your advantage. You can't gain respect from people if they're interacting only through pity and sad sympathy. Have some dignity and respect for yourself. That's no way to live a life.

I understand everyone takes things at their own pace, but you've got to actively want to try and learn how to help yourself. Don't just sit back and do nothing everyday, cultivate your fucking mind.

So I'm a 'mean' person, sure, if the definition of 'mean' is a lack of pity and sympathy. I have empathy, there's a difference. And I'm a very nice person. I just won't feel sorry and bend for those, who clearly are capable of themselves and are just using pity to gain an advantage. That disgusts me. Get over it already, it's so friggen annoying. None of this should be as any surprise, since I warned you about me already. I'm just fully real, what you see is what you get. Take it for what you will, I could care less.

I would never want anyone to feel sorry for me, why do some people encourage and seek that out? How can people really want to be seen and understood that way? Are you that starved for attention? Well, you won't get it from me.

Caution** Explicit

Damn. So good. Try out his music, it's pretty good. Cosigned by Drake, you know it.

10.27.11

I have good days and bad days, clearly. Today was one of those days that leave me feeling so helpless and lost.
Such an emotionally draining day, It really took everything out of me. But part of it, my relationship with my parents is slightly better, for now.
And then the rest, all the crap that is going on inside me. It hurts and I can't breathe at times. And I feel horrible anxiety, you know, the kind that makes you think your heart is literally going to jump out of your own body and give out from exhaustion. Even when crying relieves so much, it still takes so much out of you. I feel so depleted. And despite all this pushing endurance of moving forward- it will never cease, I still want to stop and fade away, but I fight that and put it away everyday. I don't know what else to say.

Blown Out

Shit, I feel so burnt out. I need a break. Like a real one; I guess all this stressing me out is getting to me, it's too physically demanding.

I Can't Say

I can't say I'm not scared out of my wits about tonight. But I'm more nervous and excited in anticipation than fear of anything else. He makes everything so easy and zero pressure. Who knew?

But I do have to get to know him a lot better to decide anything.

And by the way, this isn't just some guy I randomly met. I've known him from college a long while ago, through a really good friend I consider part of my second family. But we've never really spoken til now. A random coincidental chance encounter. So we'll see. Whatever happens happens, whether there is something or if we just stay friends. I'm genuinely cool with whatever.

It's Been Knocking At My Door

"Just breathe, relax, and let it in. Because being afraid of happiness is complete nonsense." Right?

It's been knocking at my door for quite some time now, but I've chosen not to answer or consider it. Most of the time, I try to follow my instincts and intuition, while letting things naturally take their courses to unravel themselves. And it is completely true when they say, when you're not looking for anything, that's when something finds you.
I feel like I'll naturally answer it (whatever it is or may be), when everything in my body's entirety feels right. And I mean everything. I'll know when it's really the right time because I won't be filled with under-sided lingering thoughts, doubts, and uncertainties- everything that is a flare up warning that it/something is not right. But what I will be filled with, will be solely butterflies. Butterflies, rather than wormy caterpillars.

So, thus I'm a bit hesitant to dedicate an entry to this for fear of jinxing something, but why not?
I have a sort of, casual first date tonight. I am instinctually, and obviously, going to take things really really slow, slowly (used slowly not slower on purpose) ever than before. Part of me, being the control freak I am, is hesitant and fighting the urge, as always of course, to flee the other way back into my comfort zones. Am I ready yet? I don't know. I quite possibly might be. But how will you ever know anything if you don't face your fears and at least try? You can't lose if you never play the game. But, you can't ever win either.

What does make this one slightly memorable enough for this blog is, after nearly 9+ months of chosen non-interest and non-involvement, I am actually, quite easily, allowing myself to see where this one goes. So that means something coming from me. I don't know what, but it's something different I suppose.

This time I am going into this without any judgments or expectations, and with an open heart. So, we'll see what happens. Because whatever happens, happens. And at least we'll all know.

Missing

I still want to go back to Hawaii. I don't know, something about the islands that is so soothingly free. Haha I forgot to archive that I cliff jumped off of a 45 feet drop at Maunawili Falls. Scared the shit out of me, but it was an amazing experience. I would've gone more than once had the impact to the water not hurt so damn much haha. Yeah, I'm pretty great. (: The drop was so long that you actually had time to think on the way down. I remember thinking, "Oh my god, just get to the water already." Haha, life is so great.

Fading Back In

My coveted scars on my skin are beginning to heal with the steroid treatment. I'm still amazed by how effective and strong the steroids really are. My first laser session is in another week and they confirmed that yes, it is going to hurt. But I'm so ready. I've never feared from physical pain. And soon after a couple more months pass, give or take 6 months, they will be just a mere distant memory. It's as if witnessing the physically tangible healing process is in itself a cathartic healing experience for my piece of mind and the transmitted electrical current which radiates throughout my entire body. I can slowly feel myself releasing my frustrations and hurt piece by piece as each day passes. It feels as if all the bottled up and kept air is slowly being let out of my heavy weighted chest.

I'm ready to let go of them. I don't need them anymore. I'm ready to let go of the last year, the horrible 22nd year of my life. Because my 23rd has been by far the best yet, and it's only began.

The Art Of

Letting Go:
I'm re-learning it; trying to refine and perfect it. Inch by inch and string by string, I'm beginning to return back to my senses. Though I've still got about 65% to go, it's a going.

Pushing Forward:
Starting last week, I've jumped started myself quite well back into productive mode with the addition of a few new improvements. Life is awesome. And I feel great. (well, most of the time. but hey, take what you can, it's the little things right?)

Presently Applied Objectives:
Work, Gym, Study. And with occasional breaks. But mostly I'm keeping my head on straight. Or at least trying to with the not so graceful track record I have. With all the while continuing to work on improving my karma and just being an all around better person.

Current Thoughts and Conclusions:
And even though all these emotions and sentiments, thoughts and tribulations leave, come and go within a matter of days, I live through a million moments and feelings a day, so sometimes the shortest time span can in actually be a lifetime with the right motives and positive intentions.

I'm beginning to become proud of myself again as I once used to be. I'm beginning to accept the things I have done, the things I cannot change, and the things I should let go. More so, I've begun to entirely accept myself for who I am, the major klutz that I am , inside and out, and what I do- with certainty and clarity.
I don't want to lose control and become the slightest bit unhinged again. And yes, I do know that I will always have 'episodes' throughout my life, but rather than fight it, I've embraced it. I'm not going to be someone I'm not. I am just me.
I know my vices and my chemical conditions, so now I need to make the right thought out decisions and act accordingly if I ever want any chance of a near 'normal' and steady life without 'intense emotional catastrophes'. But what matters most is that you don't ever stop trying. And I'm glad I'm stubborn enough to never stop.

5:30 A.M. 10.20.2011

I woke up so distraught this one night so much so that I had to do something about it. So there is what I wrote in my notebook- of course with some better editing and revising than a blurry wake up transcribing.

"It's so stupid. Even in my dreams, I still can't escape. And I remember the ones with you so vividly, while others I can hardly recall by the time I've woken up.

I hate it, I candidly and genuinely abhor it.

The ones with you, these annoyingly and painstakingly stay with me; though I wholeheartedly wish they didn't, or never came into existence for the matter.

How am I ever going to have even a slightest chance of getting away? How do I effectively disengage from it all? God knows how hard I have been trying for what it seems like forever now, but I always relapse.