Over And Over, Again

Every time I think I've run far from it, it's still always there. It's always there creeping underneath the surface, just waiting. Waiting for me to slip, because I most likely will. It feeds on my anxiety and insecurities. No matter what I do, I'm still never healed, though I so much want to be. I wish every night to have all my pain (inexplicable albeit) that I carry (with no understanding why) to be taken away, so I don't have to feel like this anymore. But still, it's always there. Like a dormant creature just waiting because he knows I'll always manage to somehow relapse. He's just waiting to see how great my discipline is because all it takes is a small sliver, and I'm done all over again.

It's the moments I live. Every moment is a test. And every moment is a moment waiting for time to pass so I can reach that rare moment of relief- of not feeling like everything is caving in on me. I don't know what to do. Every moment it seems like I am gauging my emotions and trying to keep them under control, under this facade I've created.

I've become a self-made, full-fledged, liar. I'm a fake; a fraud. Every moment is an ongoing battle with myself. I wish I weren't so complicated. I wish I weren't so fucking psychotic.

I wish I weren't so fucking stupid.

Every moment is a moment of me trying to repress the ringing and redundant words in my head screaming, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?".

I don't know how to feel anymore and I don't know how to be anymore but this thing I've seemed to have evolved into. This thing who overcompensates when around people and this thing who is a utterly complete recluse when not around people.

And even reading my mediocre and such rudimentary writing structure is pissing me off right now because I fear I've become the degenerate I've always loathed. My intellect has dwindled and what little skill or talent I had has disappeared. But that's not the point.

The point is, I hate the person I have become. I hate the person I am. And nothing I say or do will ever be good enough.

I'm losing myself.
I'm losing.