Should

This should be a long one, but it won't be. It's just a mere marker for 11/30/1
2011. Here.

Still True

That I'd rather be asleep dreaming, in a different world, than ever awake.

L.O.V.E. And Then Some

I haven't been able to really listen, watch, or read anything too sentimentally interwoven with love as of these past several, several, months. Because once I do, it hits harder and the reality just becomes all too real again. It's the very thing I'm trying to heal from and albeit, run away from. I feel like I'm permanently disconnected, like it just isn't possible for me anymore to let myself gain any progress in romantic love. There are all these great guys, but I always find some way to fuck it up on purpose- just so I can have a reason to not become involved. My friends say I'm too picky, though, I deserve to be- everyone does. But, I always hit a wall. My brain feels like something physically disconnects, disabling my any ability to function in that form.

Yes, it's because I'm scared shitless. My self-preservation is on auto-pilot all the time now without my own enabling. It's become a built in instinct now rather than a mere defense mechanism. It's part of who I am now. There is no on/off switch anymore. It's a nature chemical my body has learned to produce and generate.

Guys start talking to me and it's all really chill until a certain point, then I just physically disappear. Yes, I push people away. And yes, I am working on that. But, god, when did I become such a chicken shit? It is hitting me more and more now than ever that I am such a coward. Well, what are you going to do though right?

I'm getting better though. But most of the great things are woven in just that; the one thing I can't bring myself to be anywhere remotely around, physically or mentally. Especially with music. Music is such a big part of me and most of it is all about love, because that's how the great ones are born. So hence the emergence of this entry.

Yeah, I'm getting better, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt just as much when I allow myself to really feel it.

I feel like I lost something, something that wasn't even mine, but it was so close within my grasp, that to just lose it is just as bad.

And at the same time, it's like, what the hell am I waiting for?
I don't know. I don't seem to know anything anymore and I'm more indecisive about everything now than ever. It's horrible never knowing anything anymore and being unsure about everything going on in your own body and life.

I think I'm still just waiting, for you. I know, so pathetic and psychotic right? All of which I completely should not be doing because that's long gone and something that will never be.
Either that, or I'm still holding out for the dream, but everyone can say that dreams are unreachable and that sooner or later I'm just going to have to understand that, and lower my expectations. But I just can't. I can't help but still keep waiting for something to hit me outright in the gut, so much that I'll know without any uncertainty. Yet, that also poses a bittersweet notion of attainability because it feels like it's something that is so far away and impossible right now.

Great, and now I've run myself into a looping paradox filled with never-ending,
crap.
And I know, it's like stop waiting for something to happen and just go out there and do something. Well, shut the fuck up because I've already done everything of the 'doing something method' possible than anyone can ever feel. So I don't need any of that self-help inspirational bullshit.

I'm so in over my head of re-cyclic ironies and contradicting quandaries that no wonder I'm going mad.
I'm so tired, all the time; I feel like bursting into tears, all the time. I cry so easily now, it's so odd. I just don't want to do anything anymore; I want time to stop.

'Cause There'll Be No Sunlight

Gotta love this kid's voice. Love love love his voice. Glad he's coming out with more music. And yeah he's an idiot for getting caught with drugs, but he's still such a cutie. I'm telling you, it's those voices, they friggen get me- every time.

In Another Life

The one that got away.

Weekend Highs

Well, that changes everything between us doesn't it? Even though it was a long time coming. Don't know how I feel about that. So let's just not think about it then eh? Haha.

...

I feel like my mind is literally going crazy, my head and body, I feel so spazzy.

Forget

Oh, right. I forgot how dead and immobile I felt and was before the meds started kicking in. Exactly how I feel now. Waiting is one of the worst things.

Transitions

Wow, this transitional period can kiss my ass. I haven't been to work all week, in fact, I've been in bed the entire time. Feeling like bursting into tears, repressing it by oversleeping the entire time. Not having any motivation to do anything, the entire time. I feel so unstable and indifferent about everything and my chest aches. This is torture. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Test

So my blood tests came back good. Liver, kidneys, and thyroid all well. My blood count is lower now though, yet, nothing to worry about. But despite all that, I should be good. So, why am I throwing up small traces of blood?

Dissolve

i feel like throwing up or crying. why. shake it off already damnit. this is ridiculously stupid. and i can't sleep, shit man.

Withdrawals

It's only been a day and I've got these creeping headache to migranes and sudden nausea. Bleh. But I feel more awake now, like I'm not walking in muffled cloud. I don't know how to explain it. Like I'm more in my own body now, physically 'living' to call it. That's probably the norm, but I don't like how my emotions and sensitivity is rushing back to me. It's like I can feel it progressively flooding back. And it's only been a day. Am I being super paranoid? Probably, like always.

One More Try- The Short Version

I find it really odd. That sometimes when I feel good, like right now, I feel really good. So good in fact that I think maybe nothing serious really is wrong with me. But that's how I feel right now. I know better than to just fly on that alone. Oh, I've tried and I now know a lot better.

What counters that inference, is that when I'm low, I definitely know something is wrong. Because this shit surely ain't right. Lol. The extremes are incredibly startling and frightening.

Just weird how much shit likes to fuck with a person. But it definitely answers the question, "How do you honestly know?" Normal people don't think about wanting to end their lives all the time nor do they like to carve patterns into their own epidermis while thoroughly enjoying the sight of the sanguinary.

I say this just out of pure declaration lol, so don't take it too seriously/darkly. I said I feel good right now, relax haha. But with me, who knows. :D

Yep.

Fracking Shit

This is pissing me off.

Twice I have tried to write about certain important topics today. And yet, I can't seem to hit a block. So I haven't published the entries yet. They're incomplete.

I can't seem to explain and say exactly whatever it is that I want to express. Like I'm stumbling over my fucking words. Nothing is coming out smoothly. I feel slow and disabled, and distracted. Like I can't focus.

And I don't know why. I mean, these are important topics and I can't seem to get anything out correctly and the right way.

Do you think it's my brain's self-preservation preventing me from fully expressing what I need to expel? I feel as if part of me isn't ready yet to throw myself, submerge myself, to figure it all out completely, into those dark emotions.

Like, I want to, but I can't seem to. I feel like my brain is hitting a massive block of disconnect as I am trying to work it out. Nothing is coming out right. It's like I can't seem to work it out smoothly even as I can see everything written out before me. Which always seems to help me structure things easier. And yet as I type these words, they come out easier. Easier than these fucking ridiculous topics of deep rooted skeletal issues. It's like something is shooting an electric signal throughout my head to just be impaired in that department.

I'm trying to figure shit out and it's like my brain doesn't have the ability, the IQ points to quite literally work it through and out. Either that or my self-preservation is a little too strongly enforced that my conscious self can't even bypass it. It's like my brain is trying to expand and evolve, but it isn't success isn't being executed very well. So it feels like an already stretched out rubber band just slowly stretching and then not and then back again and then not again.

So now I have these two entries that I would really like to publish, but I can't because they're all wrong and screwed up. I can't even find descriptions to explain how displaced and unstructured these entries are. I have entries I've written of which I haven't published before, but those are complete and well edited. But these, it's like I was going somewhere, then I lose myself, and it's just all fragmented. So I just gave up. I can't seem to piece it all together yet and it's pissing me off. I don't know whether to laugh at my frustrations or what. Bleh.

Fucking c'est la vie. I'm going to go lose myself in a book instead.

Reuptake Inhibition Vs. Tricyclic

Bupropion (Wellbutrin) is said to be a norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitior.

While Amitriptyline (Elavil) is a tricyclic (TCA).

Confusing huh?
As you see, I'm trying to read up on everything before I begin a new medication. Today is the first day I have not taken Wellbutrin XL in a long time. I don't know what I feel, but I'm guessing in the next month or so, I'm about to find out.

Not Working

I usually try to put off going to the doctor's as much as possible for fear that something worse might arise within my systems. But today I feel utterly exhausted and like shit. And I worked up the nerve to actually tell my physician the truth, well, part of it.

I told him how there is definitely a difference between not being on my meds and being on them, but that I still get irritated a lot. I told him how I am tired all the time, regardless of how much sleep I do or don't get, and how lack of sleep has no part in my irritability. I told him how I still rise and fall with my moods.

We've all been witness, so can't deny that.

The good thing is, my liver, kidney, and thyroid are good. My blood pressure and heart rate is good as well. Yet, my blood count has dropped. But, I'm not anemic and I don't think I will be. So we've got to keep an eye on that.

On a side note, it hit us (me and my physician), that I have been on meds for almost a year and still there hasn't been much change. (oh shit, over a year in fact) He mentioned maybe I should try a different sort of medication because a year is a long time for a drug trial.

So I'm switching meds. He gave me a prescription to try out: Elavil. Can't say that I am excited or looking forward to this. For one, it is supposed to make me drowsy. I told him how I have a hard time sleeping because I can't turn my brain off. So he said this will help me get drowsy and fall asleep better. So we'll see.

He says it's an older medication. Newer meds have less side effects while older ones do, well for obvious reasons of scientific advances. But he says considering my symptoms and moods, maybe I need something older to counter whatever it is that I have.

I don't know shit about this Elavil at all, so I am going to need to do some extensive googling to cover my bases. He told me to stop taking Wellbutrin XL, I've got to wait a week for it to clear my system and then take the Elavil. But I do know I will have to really stop drinking alcohol. I need to stop drinking. So I am completely for that. Just hope my self-discipline will help me out.

Okay, I haven't mentioned this, but when I sleep, part of the reason I have a hard time falling asleep is because once I begin to drift off, my body stops breathing and so it reacts with a fidget to get me to remember to breathe. Yeah, not cool. This has been happening for quite some time. I literally forget to breathe sometimes.

So the doctor said I might be tired all the time because of hypoxia, my brain and body aren't getting enough oxygen. Makes sense. He mentioned that I might have sleep apnea. So he told me to have people check on me while I sleep to see if my breathing is consistent or not. Oh great. But that's not going to happen, who the fuck is going to check on my breathing? Lol, really? Oh well.

That's the least of my problems. I'm actually quite calm about everything, I just don't want to feel so hopeless anymore. I asked him about psychologist referrals and what not. So look at me being all proactive. I'll just have to see what my insurance covers. But hey, the new medication costs only $5.32 with my Co-Pay, whereas the Wellbutrin XL cost $15, pretty cool right? But those are the perks of older drugs, more side effects, less demand and less cost.

I'm just worried about what side effects I'll have because my body is so sensitive. So, again, we'll see.

Cracks And Gaps

I just came back from the doctor's office today, for a check up follow up.

When I came back, the first thing my mother says after "Hi!" is, "Are you normal?"

Wow, see just how great the gap really is?

I replied, "'Course I'm not normal."

Hotel Song

Haha, I love this song. It's so fun to listen to (despite the intense lyrics haha). Enjoy.


"I have dreams of orca whales and owls.."

In/Out Crowd Electricity

I just want to disappear from my social life for a while, actually wanted to do it for quite some time now. I want to be so unreachable for such a good amount of time. It's a shame that I honestly don't have the heart to ignore my friends- those who I have chosen to keep dear and near to me- I wish I could, but I just can't. But that is what I want most right now. To just be so completely disconnected from any gregarious reality I am automatically involved in. I feel as if that is the only way I can fully recharge from life.

With Love, I Can't

I'm sorry. I don't think it's possible for me to get close to anyone anymore. Even as I try, I always end up hitting this huge wall. I meet all these potential guys (I know, it's actually ridiculous just how many guys I happen to meet and complicate on a regular basis which is ironic considering my horrible luck and experience with love and lust) and I end up purposely ruining each and every one of the relationships out of my own nitpicking. I intentionally find faults in everything just so I have an excuse to flee and push anything that wants to get close to me away. Every time someone new gets close, I immediately retreat back into my comfort zone despite all the progress I've made. It's like something sends up warning signals within me and I just stop. I'm so used to being independent and only relying on myself because the bottom always always falls out, that I don't think I have the capability of really trusting anyone ever again. I can't. I just end up feeling super vulnerable, all the time- it fills me with this heavy sense of off insecurity that doesn't come from any superficially bounded region. It's just a self-perpetuating feeling of extreme uneasiness that I cannot explain. Like today. Anytime I get remotely close to any sort of succeeded happiness or chance, I close up and my timidity plays out in full force. A force field emerges and I just am physically unable to possess any sort of executable ability for human attachment. And it just makes me want to disappear and disconnect with the world. I want to be able to trust, but it's like a literal barrier preventing me from ever advancing. It's awfully initial and instinctive, it occurs within me without me even conjuring it.

I want to be able to open up, but I don't know. Not even you as you have slowly worked your way into my life without me having known or it realized it til just recently, you're amazing and you've always been amazing. Our relationship is easy and open. You've always been so patient and completely non-judgmental with me and I can't believe I never realized it that you were there the entire time. You even knowingly accept and understand my crazy factor; you embrace it rather than try to fight or change it- me.

Everyone wants to change me, but you like me just the way I am, craziness, whimsical, insecure, unsteady wreck as it is. I realized it too late, it actually hit me out of no where- as things usually and always do, when I already let all the damage effectively affect me. But as it hit me, I wished that I had never came to realize it.

You make me feel safe in my perpetually vulnerable felt skin. But that doesn't mean I want to become attached to any person again. Nor does it mean I want to let myself completely rely and trust anyone again  either. It's too easy to lose yourself (myself) when you (I) do. And I don't ever want to lose myself again nor continue to do so.

I'm not ready- I'm sorry. Hopefully it'll all work out one day. You read me so well and we know each other too well. So just give it time. Because that's what I really need. The thing is, I don't know what I want, at all. Really. Having to make any sort of decision in anything frightens me to intense measures. I'm too all over the place. And anything going remotely slow is still going too fast for me, so I'm just going to need a lot more time than we both had ever understood. but it'll all work out eventually. This isn't how life is supposed to stay.

City High

Damn, I used to love these guys. It's a shame. The only thing bad about time passing and change is that great music like this gets lost. Check out the whole album. Amazing. Too bad they broke up.

There's a remix with Eve, but I like the original better. Old jams are the best.


Oh, memories. (: <3

Shut It Down

"You feel the hours pass, until you find something.
I feel like when she moves, the time doesn’t."

Break It

To me gently.

Heard this on the new show Pan Am. The last episode had me in tears lol. You all know how I'm a huge sucker for anything vintage, so I'm falling in love with the show. (along with Once Upon A Time, but that's another story haha- huge sucker for Fairytales too, guess it was the way I grew up) I wished I had lived my prime in the 50s of America. Granted I would've probably had to be Caucasian to thoroughly enjoy it with all the lust it had to offer, but I love the romanticism and classiness of it all. Men in slick suits and women in amazing casual heels and great attire- and everyone in hats. I'm a huge romanticist. Eh, what are you gonna do. Isn't it weird just how eccentric my tastes in music is? Eclectic to boot. Neh, Music is an essence of life. It's part of the heart and soul.

Shitty Jumpstart Wednesday, Get Ready

I feel like shit. Woke up to a dream about water, again, the ocean shore to be exact. This time is was slightly murky. Not dirty, but just slightly clouded, like after you drink a glass of milk and then fill it up with water, but a faint brown color instead.

I was in the water for a moment when people told me to get out and then something small that I couldn't clearly see was chasing me? I say this with uncertainty because I really don't get it myself, since I thought I was fine in the water until they made their alarms known.

But that's not why I feel like shit.

The last dream I woke up to, is the reoccurring dream that always happens, the plot, scenario, and intention being the same, but different setting. It's always the same, yet reformulated differently. But it's always the same. And I never seem to be able to not dream it nor want to not be asleep, or get up from bed afterwards.

I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt of this scenario. It's like a reality that you can never have, from a realm that can never be because everything's been chased away, scared away, worsened away, and ruined away. It's always you.
I guess my desire to reunite, clear up, and smooth things over is so great that it's taking over my subconscious as I strongly suppress it from my waking life. You can't help what you dream up during your REM cycles.
And though as much as I passive aggressively try to hate you and make me forget you, I'm still having problems. I know, this is ridiculous, even to me. I should be over this already. We'll never really understand the inner workings of the mind and heart dynamic. But who would've thought this would ever happen to me?

Believe me when I say, I really am trying so hard. So hard to erase and forget everything. So hard at forcefully turning the wheels to not just move forward, but to leap forward instead. So hard to be angry and hate you as I should, but I can't. And it isn't as if I am trying to hold on, because I'm genuinely not. But with every action there is a reaction; with every cause there is an effect. It's the law of the universe to have a counterpart to something as to maintain balance.

I have gone over and over this in my mind, and I still cannot believe myself for being stuck like this. It's as if I am seeing myself from the outside as an observer, and not really believing and registering what is really happening to this person. I still can't believe this is happening to me, by my own doing too. I'm slightly in shock that this is really how things are for me. The rationally neutral part of me just can't seem to logically wrap my mind around the reality of this catastrophe, even if my emotions tell me otherwise everyday. Jeez, I sound like some sort of BPD or schizo case; like there are different people within me that are living their own separate lives all at the same time, trapped within my physical whole body. The ability to break things down and consider them as separate entities really does not help me in this case, in fact it most likely serves to further enable this all.

I have never been hit as hard as this.
Even with my very first, novel, puppy, love and heartbreak encounter so many years ago, I don't think that reigned over my thoughts as much as this situation has done.

I can only imagine what your mind thinks about all this emotional wreckage you have experienced first hand when my inebriated self feels like 'reaching out'. I already know what sober me thinks, and it's full of shame, humiliation, and mortification. It all makes me want to disappear long enough so that it all doesn't seem so bad anymore, so it's as if it all never happened- so the mind will forget every action. If I saw the disaster of myself coming, I'd run too. But that's besides the point. What's done is done. But that doesn't mean I want anything either. In fact, truthfully, I don't want anything.

Whenever it happens I always swear that it will never happen again, but I guess my subconscious is having more of a hard time than conscious me. I don't know how I could ever face you again after all the stupid things I've done. And you've always been so calm and composed, and patient nonetheless. I can't imagine what you must be thinking of my behavior. (stupid, immature, etc.) I honestly can't understand nor explain how some actions are really really unpreventable, some of them I didn't even remember the next day. The motives I can't even understand either, I can't understand them because I can't seem to remember them. The only way I find out what I've done is when I began to backtrack all my destructive traces or unexpectedly get hit with something.

I don't know whether to hate you or not because I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. I tried talking to you the last time we spoken on the phone, I wanted to get to the bottom of everything, but you became unreachable again and I can take a hint. I guess the goodness I believe you really do possess, the part I love about you, refuses to believe that you'd be such a cruel and cold person as to really not care at all. But the other part of me takes the signs of silence and avoidance to be what it really is, that nothing ever really meant anything to you, and that I was utterly fooled. It's all become something that might as well have never happened, or should've never happened. But, I am sorry. About everything.

I'm just so tired of trying hard to hate you and forget you forever. After so long, it still creeps up on me no matter how much I fight it. I'm not doing it anymore, the only thing really left is indifference. It all is what it is, and one day it'll all just seem like a distant forgotten memory. I just need to patiently wait for it. This disconnect is a good thing. We shouldn't be near each other. And all this used up space is a waste of useless time. I don't want this.

God, listen to me, I seemed to have became an insane and obsessed, overtly imaginative, incredibly naive and stupid person; one who has not only run away with fictional thoughts, but also, who wholeheartedly came to believe in her skewed perceptions. A girl who is the epitome of what people literally call to be in the category of the 'crazy ones', you know, the ones people warn about. Do you think that's actually who I really am? That I just can't see it for myself?

I let the broken girl from childhood come out, when I should've never revealed her to begin with. It made me insecure and unsteady when I am already both. I opened up a huge motherfucking can of the worst worms. The Pandora's friggen box of bombs and exploding chaos. Bad shit happens when you let your defenses down, but how can you really live without doing so? Either way, you can't win.

I hate that. I hate that there's this other part of me that became (or is?) as such. I feel like I also suffocate myself. I get so sick of everything, even my own thoughts, might explain the split persona. Maybe that's why I would rather be asleep than awake most of the time, yet there's never enough time for slumber.

The fact that I have even dedicated so much of my space to this is at times unfathomable to me, not to mention absolutely absurd in regards to the spectrum of who I normally am. I'm usually a well pragmatic and logical person, so how did this other persona, this alter-ego emerge? Even to me, it sounds so pathetic and albeit, and unfortunately, clingy. That's the worst. How did I become this person? Is this who I really am? Maybe I am completely different from who I think I am. Boy does that open up the topic of psychoanalysis to discussion.

I don't want to always explain myself anymore. I need to get rid of the need to gain approval from everyone (incredible how much a screwy childhood fucks you up as an adult right? shit stays with you for life). I've narrowed it down 50%, but the other half needs to go. It's a huge crutch. I am who I am- unstable and insecure, simultaneous self-loathing and self-loving, and the crazy, backhanded capriciousness or not. I've been embracing and learning to continue to do so with every facet and fiber of my body.

But it's not happening quickly enough. I've been so sick of this back and forthing for the past couple years that it actually makes feel like throwing up from the self-disgust of it all. The constant repetition of thoughts is exhausting, I can't imagine those who have read this can be able to continue reading it either. I feel like all this repetitive trial and error/failure has created this thick cloud that will never dissipate, but will only continue to choke my lungs. I don't know whether to cry or take it out on something else, or what. Because either way, it's always there.

Okay yeah, maybe a psychologist may help, but the problem isn't what I don't know, 'cause I already know all that, the problem is what to do about it all to retain the grasp on life. If I don't know what to do about it, then how is reiterating everything that has circulated my mind for years going to help? I've been trying to get past all this crap for years and everything still haunts me. How do you in fact let everything go? Is that even possible? I actively try and put everything behind me, and yet failures have been inevitable. I get so tired of never giving up, but it isn't in my stubborn and independent nature to succumb. But it all sure is draining. Maybe that's why I'm always constantly fatigued no matter how much sleep I do or don't get.

Do you think it's true, that love makes people weak? (you know, the whole '7 days without you makes one [weak]' thing) I'm beginning to. How else would I be so completely flawed? The heart on my sleeve doesn't belong to me, it belongs to everyone else.

A Favorite 'Little Bit' Throwback

(Who doesn't love Drake, and his sexy ass voice. Love Lykke Li too of coz and the sound of her voice in this one, but love Drake mo'.)


Hands down
I'm too proud for love
But with eyes shut
It's you I'm thinking of

But how we move from A to B it can't be up to me
'Cause you don't know
Who I was before you
Basically to see a change in me
I'd be losing, so I just ignore you, yeah
Oh, oho
But your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind
Oh,
But maybe in time, in time, in time
I'll tell you

A little bit, a little bit
A little bit in love with you
I guess that I'm a little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
Oh

I know you told me break their hearts
But it's you I wanna take apart
And I will never ever be the first, to say it
But still I they know I ah

I would do it
Push a button
Pull a trigger
Climb a mountain
Jump off a cliff
'Cause you know baby I love you love you
A little bit

You would do it
You would say it
You'd mean it
I would let you do it
It was you and I and I only
Ha, hm

I think I'm a little bit
Little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit
Little bit
In love with me

I hope they never find out
What they already know, know, know
As soon as it's official
We'll have to let it go, go, go
So we don't confirm the fling
Keep avoiding all the questions
You could teach me many things
I'm just scared to learn a lesson

The pressure's on
Both hearts beat like a metronome
Both n'sync like a Justin song
Feels so right but it's just so wrong
I wonder where my whereabouts?
Where niggas that I know, tryna talk my girl out
And her friends say I ain't the one to go for
She just get jealous 'cause you always get approached more
Oh, well, tell her fall back
Caught up in some more shit
Tell her call back
Tell her get a man that ain't cheating on her ass
With a girl that I know, yeah, tell her all that, that
And as for you I think I know you're the one
The closest I've come
I'm probably

A little bit
A little bit
A little bit in love with you
I guess that I'm a little bit
A little bit
A little bit
A little bit in love with you

Out Of [My] Head

Why. You fucking borderline sociopath. How much longer, of this. Permanently get out of my thoughts already.
The heart and mind can be so twisted. Masochism at its finest.

All I Want

Yes, Oh God, Yes

So good I had to repost. Thank you PostSecret

Time

I've been wondering a lot lately, do you think time can eventually erase away everything, anything, bad that you really wish had never happened? Theoretically yes, but physically as you're still in breathing existence, do you think it's possible for just enough time to pass, enough to say it never happened? Do you think all the worse for wear that has ever happened can be as if it was never there, to begin to genuinely start all over?

I wish.

Wow

Okay, I am not doing this with you, nor anyone else. I still maintain the fact that I really do not want to date right now. And thought we've only been 'talking' for less than 2 weeks, I need a break from you. I'm beginning to feel smothered. Perhaps this is my fault for being so extroverted.

I went into this 'talking' with indifference; it didn't matter if it went somewhere or if we stayed friends. You're a really nice guy, but the problem is that, you're the same age as I. I'm not trying to be somebody's mother and I definitely do not and refuse to baby people. I've always just related better with older human beings.

We grow older and mature for a reason. Life gets better with time. I'm searching for an intellectual equal. I am not the kind of person to spoon feed, sugarcoat, or hold anyone's hand; I'm not the sort of person to join in on the pity and sympathy of those who feel sorry for themselves. I gauge my empathy neutrally and logically as a whole rather than on superficial obstacles. I can only give advice and support so far, but I refuse to do your own heavy lifting for you. I told you, I am the kind of person to be there for people but not actually be there. I don't interfere nor preach. I have my own opinions but I still support and accept any endeavor people choose to execute. Everything about me is ultimately neutral and subjective. It's their lives, not mine.

As I want everyone to stop telling me, who or how I should be, or what I should or shouldn't do, I treat others how I would like to be treated. It's my life and my decision how to live it. Which is why I'm not going to tell you how to live your life even if others do. I'm not going to make your decisions for you. (and this entire entry actually applies to a lot of people out there in the majority)

Everyone has the capability to take care of themselves when they get to the age of a young adult. Stop sulking and do something about it then; stop being so goddamn pouty and clingy, you're sensitive and hurt feelings act is not going to work on me. In fact, it just repels me even more. It might work for others, but your act only works on an audience and you'll only be able to get away with it for so long. Take a look at the big picture. Maybe there's a reason why things have gone the way they have for you. When nothing has worked, stop blaming others and holding grudges, instead, look at your own actions to break it down and understand. Stop making up excuses and see things simply and neutrally for what they are.

There is a difference between actively trying to get over something and then passively acknowledging it. It takes more willpower and mentality than that. Constant sulking and whining is not going to get you anywhere. If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep on trying and deal with all the stumbles and occasional ditches with strength. There can and probably will be quite a few relapses, but as long as you keep fucking trying to move forward, you're good. It's when you let yourself indulge in the exaggerated and pointless sulking that you start to become useless and ridiculous. Take the necessary impact period to completely wallow out your emotional trauma, but then after all that, friggen help yourself to move forward. Don't drag it out to your advantage. You can't gain respect from people if they're interacting only through pity and sad sympathy. Have some dignity and respect for yourself. That's no way to live a life.

I understand everyone takes things at their own pace, but you've got to actively want to try and learn how to help yourself. Don't just sit back and do nothing everyday, cultivate your fucking mind.

So I'm a 'mean' person, sure, if the definition of 'mean' is a lack of pity and sympathy. I have empathy, there's a difference. And I'm a very nice person. I just won't feel sorry and bend for those, who clearly are capable of themselves and are just using pity to gain an advantage. That disgusts me. Get over it already, it's so friggen annoying. None of this should be as any surprise, since I warned you about me already. I'm just fully real, what you see is what you get. Take it for what you will, I could care less.

I would never want anyone to feel sorry for me, why do some people encourage and seek that out? How can people really want to be seen and understood that way? Are you that starved for attention? Well, you won't get it from me.