At least that what they say right? What does that even really mean? Why compare blood to water? Unless you really want to dig deeper and break it down. I guess you could compare water to the fact that our bodies are made of what 95% water? I'm sure I've got the statistics wrong. (another reason thus proving that I am indeed an English major) So I guess that would make sense. But I still don't know where that phrase came from.
Anyways I digress. Right now I am taking a slight break from gathering all of my materials and studying the piece along with 3 other translations I have chosen to analyze and discuss before I begin my midterm paper for my Middle English literature class. Sounds so fun right? The reading of poetry and prose yes, the hard stuff such as the difficulty in reading Old English, not so much, but the feeling of productivity and actual acknowledgment of knowledge retainment, priceless and what we all strive to hope for when we choose to take a class yes? Yet the beyond bummer thought of having to write this paper that isn't too tough of a task for me to do still supercedes the priceless feeling. I cannot wait for this quarter to be over already. I think it's just the production of my classes that I thought were going to be great but turned out to be sub par.
Okay I know I digressed again.
So the main point of this entry, can you guess it? Family of coz. (When I spell things wrong it is on purpose to make emphasis in a different tone and voice in my head that in person would make a lot more sense but for now a virtual substitution will just have to suffice)
So I came home early from school today so that I could recharge to have enough prolonged energy to write my term paper. My father and brother came home early surprisingly early enough for us all to have dinner together. My father happily cooked us all a fabulous simple Chinese/Taiwanese meal. And then the toleration and understanding of the need to tolerate certain remarks and personalities kicked in. But I have already divulged plenty about those specific problems and this entry is not about that so much.
This entry is about how my father notifying us that he will be returning back to China (his routine business trips that go way back to when I can't even remember) again soon this Saturday. My mother is in Japan right now on vacation and she is said to be returning on Sunday. This fact hit me as a bit odd because as a child one examines and knows the behavior of their parents up to a certain extent quite well enough to know when something is out of the ordinary. And they have never been not here far away out of the state separately before. Granted my parents are always gone but when they are both gone, they are gone together on business trips to the east coast. The standard protocol is waiting for my mother to get back so that my father can then leave. (You know, leaving the "children" behind is not "what is done")
I don't know how I feel about this. No, actually I do know how I feel. I'm a bit shocked, confused and the heart sunken feeling is a bit greater in my chest at the moment. But you deal. I deal. You deal because you have to and that there is no other choice. That how the impossible gets done. That's how things get done.
I've never understood how people could not get a job done such as finish a paper by the deadline. They seemed to have "run out of time." I always am able to finish by just cranking what needs to be done out of me. I finish because there is no other option. Because it has to be done. Because there is no other way it can be. That's how things get done.
I just find it odd. And at the same time I feel a horrible sadness for my parents. I wish they were and could be eternally happy. I wish things were different and that it all were enough. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough in this broken family and their broken lives. It's never enough, unfortunately. Shitty life that somehow manages to screw each and everyone one of us sometime or another made it just as so.
I know I am tied down so completely by the roots they've implanted in me when I was created. I know because of my family that there will always be things I will have to sacrifice and not be able to do because of these burdens. I know it's unreasonable and unfair to say that this burden is on me being as I am the youngest of me and my brother. And who am I to think that and make is seem like it is worse than my parents' issues. But that's not what I am saying, I know my problems are completely minute compared to theirs and others. But what I am saying is in terms of my brother and his ties to the family, he's broken free without looking back because our personalities ethics and morals are completely opposite. But he's wasting that gift and opportunity so badly.
I have come to realize that now and more and more as the time nears for me to graduate and decide what I want to do for my life, the opportunities that are so reachable diminish because I know they can't be those options for me. There is so much I want to do in life that is far greater than the boundaries of these 150 mile radii, but I know my weakness of not wanting to leave my family and break free from them because of the hurt and loneliness I know they will in ultimately feel will be detrimental.
I know I am 21yrs old and "should" be old enough to take this and handle it in a "mature" fashion. But really now? When is one old enough? Is it even about age? Age isn't anything but a number right? Or is it more about mentality? And if so, when are you mentally mature enough to handle extreme issues? The thing is there never is a right age or time. You figure out a way to deal in order to survive. (Survive meaning live life the best way you know how or can. Not literally for all you literary impaired)
Ugh and now to begin my paper. This should be fun.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Reflexivity?
So it suddenly just hit me. (Err.. well sort of after my trials of mental processing today) And I think I need to do some major improvement in myself and for my entire being. I need to seriously focus more on myself and how I can be better in terms of my own standards. I think I managed to put on hold, without knowing it, my constant strive for self improvement. It's like I maybe lost myself in the mist of all the newness of events. Like maybe I broke off too many pieces of myself to give away enough so that I maybe lost myself along the way. Haha does that make sense? I'm sure it's a bit confusing. It is even to myself.
I really need to work on focusing on solely myself and my own priorities that don't involve other factors that cloud my own spirit. I need to think ahead about the decisions I make. Perhaps then I'll begin to feel grounded again.
I really need to work on focusing on solely myself and my own priorities that don't involve other factors that cloud my own spirit. I need to think ahead about the decisions I make. Perhaps then I'll begin to feel grounded again.
It Isn't Poetic, It's Hollow
I've wanted to repost this entry into my blog a couple of days ago but with the blogger outage that happened, it was delayed. But here is it and this entry is so beautiful that I felt I had to talk about it. The words Elle wrote are so exact and poetic. The picture Le Love posted with it is also so beautiful and pure art in a way that I can't even find the right words right now to even express how I feel about this entire entry. But for a girl who used to lay in the street at night and look up at the sky, everything about this is beautiful.
like death without the sleeping part
weheartit
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
-elle
I hope you love it as much as I do.
like death without the sleeping part
weheartit
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
-elle
I hope you love it as much as I do.
What Did You Expect?
Honestly? The emotional part of me feels like this: It is what it is because I couldn't afford to be the one to be the first to put myself out there. Because I was scared as hell to do it again. But I wanted you to do something; I was waiting for you to take the initiative and wanted you to make me. But the door is now closed. You closed it before even giving it a try the right way. People are so dense.
It's crazy how I'm more affected by the what could have been than what really is in front of me considering all factors. Being a girl and having all these fluctuating hormones is a trip and makes me laugh hard sometimes.
The real sense part of me feels like this: The sad part is that I knew it wouldn't have worked out given out personalities and I was okay with that. It was just too off. But it wouldn't have hurt to try and it might have even been fun. The sad part is how much this doesn't even seem to remotely affect you, but somehow I've managed to let it affect me the little tiny bit that I have let it. But regardless I do what I do best, which is to keep moving forward. And I'm already over it. Good game.
Shit's DUNZO.
***3:39p.m.
Oh I failed to mention I bought a new book a day ago which I am dying to indulge in. (Though I have yet to finish reading the other three books in the side bar. Though I put them on hold months and weeks ago. Haha!) Cheers.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
"Because That Is Just What Is Done And What A Good Daughter Does"
So I just spent the day just spending time with my father because I don't want him to be lonely when my mother is gone. As I am putting all my thoughts down virtually I'm sitting here and I can't seem to find the right words to say to express my sentiments. I can't seem to find the correct words to accurately portray whatever it is I'm feeling at the moment so forgive me if my words seem less than up to par today and more random and incohesive than normal.
So here goes.
I know that just being around my mother or father gives them a sense of comfort. To know that I am home and just there. It evokes a calmness wrapped up with the comfort of unity and what was for my parents. I feel that it serves to benefit them and ease their daily burdens they will carry along with them for the rest of their lives. I feel that if there is one thing I can do, it is to try to ease their turmoil regardless of my own. Because my troubles don't matter to me so much in terms of the whole picture, but theirs matter to me. I can't say I've been exceptional at trying to be a good daughter, at times I may even be quite unpleasant, but I do try to manage and do what I can given the circumstances. Deep down despite my liberal nature, I am a good girl and good daughter. It's in my blood and will always be there.
It's difficult. The pressure of family. I try hard but sometimes it's unbearable. I spend time with him and the whole time he's asking for his own reassurance in petty matters that obviously stem from a greater deep rooted issue. But not only is he asking for constant reassurance of whether or not whatever he happily cooked for me is the best of the best, he's also putting down the comparisons of my mother's skills as well. He has this way of tongue that whenever he says something always sounds so spiteful and vindictive whenever he speaks about or to my mother. I just don't understand why it has to be such a competition for him. Why he always wants to one up my mother. It's not a competition. Competition shouldn't even be a factor. The comparisons shouldn't even be there because it's just one of those things in two completely different categories that can't be compared. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit lazy right now to be slightly more than loquacious and articulative at the moment, bare with me)
He's also constantly criticizing what I'm doing all at the same time. How can there be a hope to grow into something greater and better if the only thing to develop from it is negativity?
It's like I can never be just good enough for both of my parents.
I have explained issues with my father in my entry The Dreaded Topic.
It's just so hard sometimes. I find myself saying that a lot lately. "It's just hard, I wish things were easier" in fact I said that last night. The pressures and unresolvable issues that will forever be there no matter how much I wish it would disappear. And I hate myself for not being able to sometimes bear all of their personality and behavior to just suck it up, all the frustrations and just put my stubbornness aside to just make them happy by just being around them. I hate myself for even thinking and feeling the negative thoughts sometimes of just wanting to be left alone and sometimes feeling a slight hatred whenever the nagging becomes too unyielding. I know "it's because they care" but goddamn this must be some warped and twisted Chinese way to love a child that will eventually scar them for their entire lives. Why does it have to be that way? Some fucking tradition. (Someone told me last night while in a bookstore that he hated Asian literature because they always seem to have the most emotional issues and baggage because of their stoicism and because of their supposed submissive nature that produces a stream of heavy baggage to affect their entire lives, they are expected to be and have the most forceful sentiments) It seems confusing but it all seems to make sense to me and interconnects everything to me as a whole.
And then I feel guilty for even thinking those negative thoughts. It's just so infuriating and overwhelming sometimes. It's too fucking much sometimes so much that it makes me want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" whenever I'm around them. I love them to death and hands down would rather have something bad happen to me in place of anything harming them ever. I wish I could take away all of their pain, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wish our family was really all sunshine and rainbows.
So I paid my father company until I couldn't do it anymore. It always starts out as a good idea and then slowly but steadily the subtle and not so subtle hints of negativity that seem to infuriate me so come out. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a daughter because I can't even do this one thing for him. But I tried for 5 good hours.
So here goes.
I know that just being around my mother or father gives them a sense of comfort. To know that I am home and just there. It evokes a calmness wrapped up with the comfort of unity and what was for my parents. I feel that it serves to benefit them and ease their daily burdens they will carry along with them for the rest of their lives. I feel that if there is one thing I can do, it is to try to ease their turmoil regardless of my own. Because my troubles don't matter to me so much in terms of the whole picture, but theirs matter to me. I can't say I've been exceptional at trying to be a good daughter, at times I may even be quite unpleasant, but I do try to manage and do what I can given the circumstances. Deep down despite my liberal nature, I am a good girl and good daughter. It's in my blood and will always be there.
It's difficult. The pressure of family. I try hard but sometimes it's unbearable. I spend time with him and the whole time he's asking for his own reassurance in petty matters that obviously stem from a greater deep rooted issue. But not only is he asking for constant reassurance of whether or not whatever he happily cooked for me is the best of the best, he's also putting down the comparisons of my mother's skills as well. He has this way of tongue that whenever he says something always sounds so spiteful and vindictive whenever he speaks about or to my mother. I just don't understand why it has to be such a competition for him. Why he always wants to one up my mother. It's not a competition. Competition shouldn't even be a factor. The comparisons shouldn't even be there because it's just one of those things in two completely different categories that can't be compared. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit lazy right now to be slightly more than loquacious and articulative at the moment, bare with me)
He's also constantly criticizing what I'm doing all at the same time. How can there be a hope to grow into something greater and better if the only thing to develop from it is negativity?
It's like I can never be just good enough for both of my parents.
I have explained issues with my father in my entry The Dreaded Topic.
It's just so hard sometimes. I find myself saying that a lot lately. "It's just hard, I wish things were easier" in fact I said that last night. The pressures and unresolvable issues that will forever be there no matter how much I wish it would disappear. And I hate myself for not being able to sometimes bear all of their personality and behavior to just suck it up, all the frustrations and just put my stubbornness aside to just make them happy by just being around them. I hate myself for even thinking and feeling the negative thoughts sometimes of just wanting to be left alone and sometimes feeling a slight hatred whenever the nagging becomes too unyielding. I know "it's because they care" but goddamn this must be some warped and twisted Chinese way to love a child that will eventually scar them for their entire lives. Why does it have to be that way? Some fucking tradition. (Someone told me last night while in a bookstore that he hated Asian literature because they always seem to have the most emotional issues and baggage because of their stoicism and because of their supposed submissive nature that produces a stream of heavy baggage to affect their entire lives, they are expected to be and have the most forceful sentiments) It seems confusing but it all seems to make sense to me and interconnects everything to me as a whole.
And then I feel guilty for even thinking those negative thoughts. It's just so infuriating and overwhelming sometimes. It's too fucking much sometimes so much that it makes me want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" whenever I'm around them. I love them to death and hands down would rather have something bad happen to me in place of anything harming them ever. I wish I could take away all of their pain, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wish our family was really all sunshine and rainbows.
So I paid my father company until I couldn't do it anymore. It always starts out as a good idea and then slowly but steadily the subtle and not so subtle hints of negativity that seem to infuriate me so come out. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a daughter because I can't even do this one thing for him. But I tried for 5 good hours.
10 Minutes Til 3a.m.
I hate how I feel so much like crying sometimes and that I never can. I wish so bad that I could cry physically so that some way it could somehow relieve the pent up and bottled up as well as repressed emotions that have been circulating within my body and my entire being and soul for so long. I hate that I am really ultimately so broken when it all comes down to it. I'm afraid that I'm so defective that it isn't possible for me to lead a normal and happy life let alone be around normal people. I find myself just curbing the truth and avoiding topics.
I'm so afraid to just let people in now. And I'm sorry that it's just so hard for me to do so. I don't think I know how to let people in anymore. I'm just so scared that I'll end up getting screwed over and hurt again. I don't think I could chance it again or have that happen again. I don't think I have that bit of hope in me anymore to be able to risk it all again.
I'm so afraid to just let people in now. And I'm sorry that it's just so hard for me to do so. I don't think I know how to let people in anymore. I'm just so scared that I'll end up getting screwed over and hurt again. I don't think I could chance it again or have that happen again. I don't think I have that bit of hope in me anymore to be able to risk it all again.
Okay Really
Last night I was planning to write an entry but due to the mishap of the blogger outage, it was not possible. (Thank you so much blogger technicians for correction the errors, you've saved the souls and spirits of an impossible many)
Anyways, so as I have said, my mother has gone away for a bit for a much deserved vacation without the baggage.
As I was throwing my litter into the trash, I saw an empty liquor bottle in the bin. I have noticed liquor bottles within the years. And to be honest, I'm scared that my father begun to resort to intoxicating himself to feel less lonely. My brother has mentioned it to me once in the past but I've tried to just repress it and hope for the best. No one wants to hear the real damage and messiness of reality. It's true. So they choose to just ignore the obvious in hopes of a better feigned sort of reality.
I'm sorry, that I love you so dearly and yet can still do nothing to ease your poor quality of life. Shit happens. Life screws you, and you deal. I wish that I could ease and make my entire family happy, but thus it is ultimately impossible. (Fuck the overused cliche that anything is possible, because it's fucking not. For those of you that believe so, I hope you learn soon the real harsh truth of it all)
It's just so too bad that this is what it is right?
Anyways, so as I have said, my mother has gone away for a bit for a much deserved vacation without the baggage.
As I was throwing my litter into the trash, I saw an empty liquor bottle in the bin. I have noticed liquor bottles within the years. And to be honest, I'm scared that my father begun to resort to intoxicating himself to feel less lonely. My brother has mentioned it to me once in the past but I've tried to just repress it and hope for the best. No one wants to hear the real damage and messiness of reality. It's true. So they choose to just ignore the obvious in hopes of a better feigned sort of reality.
I'm sorry, that I love you so dearly and yet can still do nothing to ease your poor quality of life. Shit happens. Life screws you, and you deal. I wish that I could ease and make my entire family happy, but thus it is ultimately impossible. (Fuck the overused cliche that anything is possible, because it's fucking not. For those of you that believe so, I hope you learn soon the real harsh truth of it all)
It's just so too bad that this is what it is right?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
What A Fucking Waste
So I may be starting to PMS, but I'm slightly perturbed. By people who have had more than enough privileges and opportunities when growing up and those that are far more fortunate and well off income wise without having to work for it. (Mind you I'm speaking about people my age) Not to say that all are like this, but the fact that they just don't understand the concept of money and how hard it is to come by. For example, those that complain and feel like it's a hassle to HAVE to go on a vacation say to Europe with their family. Oh god your life must be so fucking rough to deal with this difficult day to day stupid hassles and inconveniences. I don't know if it's because I'm Chinese and that it's in my blood to be frugal, but I feel like they just can't seem to understand how things aren't just that easy. Just because something breaks, it doesn't mean it's just that easy to go out and buy a new one. Money is an issue; it's not something that can just be taken lightly. I hate money, I hate what it does to people and I hate everything that comes along with it. I hate it, but we all desperately need it to live.
I just don't understand how people just don't have the fucking sense in them to understand that it isn't all fucking sunshine and rainbows with everyone in the world. Especially with the faltering economy right now, everything SUCKS.
It just pisses me off that some people just don't even know!It's such a waste of a mind. Like they don't have that ability or depth to understand. I just wish they had better sense about things. Enough sense to understand that some things can't be compared or grouped together because of different factors involved. It doesn't work that way.
Some people are just for fortunate and they take it forgranted. They don't see how lucky they are to not have to worry about financial stability or anything else for the matter. They don't see how lucky they are. It gets to me so badly that people are so damn lucky and they don't fucking see it. A million people plus one, plus me, would kill to be in their shoes, die to be in their place.
I don't know, maybe they just have a bit more growing up to do, maybe a lot more growing up and understanding to do (the sad part is that some won't ever learn), but god stop fucking crowding me with your insipid lack of logic and stop pissing me off!
I just don't understand how people just don't have the fucking sense in them to understand that it isn't all fucking sunshine and rainbows with everyone in the world. Especially with the faltering economy right now, everything SUCKS.
It just pisses me off that some people just don't even know!It's such a waste of a mind. Like they don't have that ability or depth to understand. I just wish they had better sense about things. Enough sense to understand that some things can't be compared or grouped together because of different factors involved. It doesn't work that way.
Some people are just for fortunate and they take it forgranted. They don't see how lucky they are to not have to worry about financial stability or anything else for the matter. They don't see how lucky they are. It gets to me so badly that people are so damn lucky and they don't fucking see it. A million people plus one, plus me, would kill to be in their shoes, die to be in their place.
I don't know, maybe they just have a bit more growing up to do, maybe a lot more growing up and understanding to do (the sad part is that some won't ever learn), but god stop fucking crowding me with your insipid lack of logic and stop pissing me off!
Le Japan
So I came home late today about almost 1a.m. and took a shower and groomed a bit. My mother came into my room and told me her big news. That she would be making a trip to Japan until the 1st of November for vacation. To be honest, I'm really happy for her. I want her to be happy. She absolutely deserves a break for some fun with the girls. And I'll definitely miss her.
The thing is, I'm worried about my father and how he's going to be until she comes back. I'm worried and sad. I'm sad that he's so lonely and just that lonely. But I guess since he has his computer and big screen television that he should be okay. It's very difficult for me to connect with my father. He has never really been around for my entire life and although everyone loves to be hopeful and use the overused cliche of "it's never too late," it actually is. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but the gap is too big and he's been living in China's naive and childlike bubble for his whole lifetime. It's just too hard. As rudimentary a statement as it is. It's true and I have no other way to put it. Because I know that my brother has already disconnected himself from the family, I'll definitely try to have dinner with him or keep him company on the weekends whenever I can because that's what I do. That's what a good daughter does and I still love him immensely as do the rest of my family. And I always will.
It definitely is rough, but I feel like someone has to be the one to try and keep the family together. It's rooted in my entire being. It may be just a mere part, but a part it still is and I can't deny nor detach away from it. The strings will always be there and the burden will always be there. But good night for now.
The thing is, I'm worried about my father and how he's going to be until she comes back. I'm worried and sad. I'm sad that he's so lonely and just that lonely. But I guess since he has his computer and big screen television that he should be okay. It's very difficult for me to connect with my father. He has never really been around for my entire life and although everyone loves to be hopeful and use the overused cliche of "it's never too late," it actually is. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but the gap is too big and he's been living in China's naive and childlike bubble for his whole lifetime. It's just too hard. As rudimentary a statement as it is. It's true and I have no other way to put it. Because I know that my brother has already disconnected himself from the family, I'll definitely try to have dinner with him or keep him company on the weekends whenever I can because that's what I do. That's what a good daughter does and I still love him immensely as do the rest of my family. And I always will.
It definitely is rough, but I feel like someone has to be the one to try and keep the family together. It's rooted in my entire being. It may be just a mere part, but a part it still is and I can't deny nor detach away from it. The strings will always be there and the burden will always be there. But good night for now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Newly Renovated
So I have just spent the past 5-9 hours cleaning, moving out all my pack rat sentimental junk, moving in new furniture, vacuuming every which way to get every speck of debris and dust, and moving back in my stuff while organizing it a lot bit better. Haha. And I've got to tell you. I'm LOVING my new room! I now have a full sized bed as opposed to my single sized bed that I could barely toss and turn in let alone with my pillow forts that I so love to build. I also have a new desk that I'm loving. Everything is in a different place and though I feel like I need to use a coaster now in my room (HAHA it's true! I do feel that way) I love love love it. My room feels more open and spacious and less cluttered. Some kind of catharsis eh? Don't you just love that word? Because I know I do.
Not a bad consolation to not being able to paint my room. Sighh, but a girl can dream can't she? I hope you all are having a lovely week! I know I am! And tomorrow, or should I say in a couple of hours (I count days when I wake up, not necessarily when I stay up late) it will be friday. One of the best days of the week! And a weekend full of fun fun fun. (:
Through the weather has reverted back to a stifling heat and with the past rain the air has now become slightly humid. I loathe humid air because it makes it difficult to breathe, but it's okay and bearable because tomorrow is friday! Harhar and I'm in such a good mood.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend! I know I will. <3
Not a bad consolation to not being able to paint my room. Sighh, but a girl can dream can't she? I hope you all are having a lovely week! I know I am! And tomorrow, or should I say in a couple of hours (I count days when I wake up, not necessarily when I stay up late) it will be friday. One of the best days of the week! And a weekend full of fun fun fun. (:
Through the weather has reverted back to a stifling heat and with the past rain the air has now become slightly humid. I loathe humid air because it makes it difficult to breathe, but it's okay and bearable because tomorrow is friday! Harhar and I'm in such a good mood.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend! I know I will. <3
Monday, October 12, 2009
Um Yeah..
So I feel like I need to write a new entry just so that ugly one titled This Is So Stupid isn't there poisoning my mind because every time I visit my blog I'm reminded by those awful sentiments. And I want something more positive to take its place. This is why I hate going backwards and more so I can't ever go backwards. I hate anything that reminds me of the past and I always have to move forward. My friends sometimes hate the fact that I can't ever go backwards, but I would just rather go forward and not look back. What's so wrong with that?
So, the weather has started to get really cold and gloomy. And I've got to tell you I love it! But I am feeling a bit better. I have just encountered a massive amount of great music. So that always lifts my spirits up a bit. Oh how I thrive on change.
So, the weather has started to get really cold and gloomy. And I've got to tell you I love it! But I am feeling a bit better. I have just encountered a massive amount of great music. So that always lifts my spirits up a bit. Oh how I thrive on change.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
This Is So Stupid
I know I'm supposed to be over you. And in a way I am. I'm over who you are, I just can't quite get over what was. The ease, chemistry, and greatness. That's the hardest part right?
But I need to get something off of my chest.
I know I'm supposed to be over you.
But it still royally sucks to see you when you hit on other people that also include my friends. I can't help feeling shitty though I wish I wouldn't because I know you're a complete manipulative douchebag and completely not worth it. I know that.
Seriously who does that? Just because you have to have someone to hit on and have no one else to play with? Can't you find some other people to hit on? Preferably new?
I always thought people had standards for I know I have high standards and expectations, but how can people just hit on anything and everything that moves just because they can't help themselves or that they need something like that to fulfill their night?
How can you just go through people like that? Treat them like they're everything for a couple of months and then decide you're over it and then treat them like nothing. It's a bit inhumane.
I hate that I let you do that to me. I hate that I thought I saw the good in you, but I turned out to be so wrong. I hate that you let me down because I believed in you. And that's what's making it so hard to be completely completely over and done with you. I'm holding on to the idea of goodness and not really processing reality- that you're not genuinely a good person that I really like and would like to associate myself around. And I need to let the part of me, that still hopes for something better, go. It's just hard to let a part of me that makes up some of my essence and passionate life go so easily. It's hard to give up because I'm not one to quit when things get hard. I always try to find a resolution. Though I have learned that some things are insolvable.
I do say that we're old enough to filter who we want in our lives and who we don't want. And I've always had a firm grasp of that concept and filtered out who I don't want. It's just hard this time around because of the easy nature we had in our relationship. Had I only known that that's what he does. I need to let go of the idea of what once was and understand the manipulative nature of it all that wasn't right for me.
I hate that I can't help but believe that the world is still good despite all the shit life screws you with. I still believe people can be good. Yet in turn with that belief, I end up screwing myself.
But getting this off my chest has done some good in helping me further because it's made me think and process it out to unravel the full extent of some issues. When I write these entries my thoughts develop into other things that often arrive to affirmations and revelations of emotions, I never know how my entries are going to end. My thoughts just seem to develop and digress into other things. My entries are basically me speaking my mind and working things out in my mind. In the end they help me to figure out my next step in how to continue to keep going forward. Advice is just basically what you already know reiterated back to you right? And now that it's all out, I do feel better because I am now back to understanding my own emotions and actions. I feel a lot better actually.
But I need to get something off of my chest.
I know I'm supposed to be over you.
But it still royally sucks to see you when you hit on other people that also include my friends. I can't help feeling shitty though I wish I wouldn't because I know you're a complete manipulative douchebag and completely not worth it. I know that.
Seriously who does that? Just because you have to have someone to hit on and have no one else to play with? Can't you find some other people to hit on? Preferably new?
I always thought people had standards for I know I have high standards and expectations, but how can people just hit on anything and everything that moves just because they can't help themselves or that they need something like that to fulfill their night?
How can you just go through people like that? Treat them like they're everything for a couple of months and then decide you're over it and then treat them like nothing. It's a bit inhumane.
I hate that I let you do that to me. I hate that I thought I saw the good in you, but I turned out to be so wrong. I hate that you let me down because I believed in you. And that's what's making it so hard to be completely completely over and done with you. I'm holding on to the idea of goodness and not really processing reality- that you're not genuinely a good person that I really like and would like to associate myself around. And I need to let the part of me, that still hopes for something better, go. It's just hard to let a part of me that makes up some of my essence and passionate life go so easily. It's hard to give up because I'm not one to quit when things get hard. I always try to find a resolution. Though I have learned that some things are insolvable.
I do say that we're old enough to filter who we want in our lives and who we don't want. And I've always had a firm grasp of that concept and filtered out who I don't want. It's just hard this time around because of the easy nature we had in our relationship. Had I only known that that's what he does. I need to let go of the idea of what once was and understand the manipulative nature of it all that wasn't right for me.
I hate that I can't help but believe that the world is still good despite all the shit life screws you with. I still believe people can be good. Yet in turn with that belief, I end up screwing myself.
But getting this off my chest has done some good in helping me further because it's made me think and process it out to unravel the full extent of some issues. When I write these entries my thoughts develop into other things that often arrive to affirmations and revelations of emotions, I never know how my entries are going to end. My thoughts just seem to develop and digress into other things. My entries are basically me speaking my mind and working things out in my mind. In the end they help me to figure out my next step in how to continue to keep going forward. Advice is just basically what you already know reiterated back to you right? And now that it's all out, I do feel better because I am now back to understanding my own emotions and actions. I feel a lot better actually.
New Expression Cravings
So I have been thinking about this for a while and I've decided to make over my room this week. It should be excellent since I love side projects and I feel like I just need a new change in my life. I thrive off of any sort of change and this decision involving my room which is my sanctuary, this should be good.
What I really want to do is paint it, but me being Chinese/Taiwanese and my parents being still quite rooted in tradition, I cannot. Asians have this thing about having white walls and that we're allowed to put stuff on it that can be removed but never anything like paint. I blame it on the notion that people are intimidated and afraid of what they don't know or what they don't know how to do.
My mother ranted that the paint would get everywhere and on the floor, yet for those that know of knowledge of paint, there is a lovely thing called tarp that would prevent such happenings. I blame and loathe the ignorance and fear of people. It's especially hard to deal with because I am very flexible and openminded when it comes to things. And this all royally sucks for I want to paint my room and ceiling a charcoal grey and design it with yellow altered stars and maybe draw a tree and definitely have a quote.
I'm also planning to revamp my entire room- curtains closet doors and all. But since my mother literally FLIPPED OUT childish style, the paint will have to wait. I want to paint it but sure that would be the death of my existence. So I am thinking of a new motif, I guess I'll just have to stick with all white. You have to make the best out of the situations you're given. Though I've waited my whole life to paint my walls. I'm starting to think that's why I'm not too creative, because every time I'd like to be, the ideas are shot down. But hopefully by this time next week, the furniture at least will be the way I want it.
In any case, I want to change my hair color as well and dye it completely bottle punk blonde. But seeing as how my mother flipped out on the paint issue, I don't know how I can win my way out of the one.
I know most people would just say "do whatever you want" and usually I do do that because I am old enough to make my own decisions. But Asians have this thing about being a good daughter or son and doing what is just right for the family. Inside I am rooted beyond anything to continue to be a good daughter because loosely translated from Chinese "it is what is right and what should be done."
I have dyed my hair in the past, but never anything as drastic as a whole head of blonde from a whole head of dark brown hair. My dad would surely flip because us being Chinese/Taiwanese in every traditional aspect with its customs and spiritual beliefs/superstitions, it would be clearly detrimental to my life. (Sarcasm intended but to my parents it's serious talk)
My family is pretty lenient on the things I do for example my physical appearance choices of hair dye, nail polish, black eyeliner- not a lot but enough for them to think its too dark, tattoos and past piercings at a number of 13- all which have been taken out. I've broken free of the model minority mold from my parents a long time ago, but there are still some things I know I have to abide by. I know when to push buttons and lines that cannot be crossed without some easing into or hesitation.
So to see the ungauged reaction of my mother's last night completely floored me. I don't know how they'd take the news of me wanting to change my hair color a complete 180 degrees. I'm even sure that these drastic changes in color- paint and hair dye, may not even happen. We shall see.
I hope you all are having a lovely weekend.
What I really want to do is paint it, but me being Chinese/Taiwanese and my parents being still quite rooted in tradition, I cannot. Asians have this thing about having white walls and that we're allowed to put stuff on it that can be removed but never anything like paint. I blame it on the notion that people are intimidated and afraid of what they don't know or what they don't know how to do.
My mother ranted that the paint would get everywhere and on the floor, yet for those that know of knowledge of paint, there is a lovely thing called tarp that would prevent such happenings. I blame and loathe the ignorance and fear of people. It's especially hard to deal with because I am very flexible and openminded when it comes to things. And this all royally sucks for I want to paint my room and ceiling a charcoal grey and design it with yellow altered stars and maybe draw a tree and definitely have a quote.
I'm also planning to revamp my entire room- curtains closet doors and all. But since my mother literally FLIPPED OUT childish style, the paint will have to wait. I want to paint it but sure that would be the death of my existence. So I am thinking of a new motif, I guess I'll just have to stick with all white. You have to make the best out of the situations you're given. Though I've waited my whole life to paint my walls. I'm starting to think that's why I'm not too creative, because every time I'd like to be, the ideas are shot down. But hopefully by this time next week, the furniture at least will be the way I want it.
In any case, I want to change my hair color as well and dye it completely bottle punk blonde. But seeing as how my mother flipped out on the paint issue, I don't know how I can win my way out of the one.
I know most people would just say "do whatever you want" and usually I do do that because I am old enough to make my own decisions. But Asians have this thing about being a good daughter or son and doing what is just right for the family. Inside I am rooted beyond anything to continue to be a good daughter because loosely translated from Chinese "it is what is right and what should be done."
I have dyed my hair in the past, but never anything as drastic as a whole head of blonde from a whole head of dark brown hair. My dad would surely flip because us being Chinese/Taiwanese in every traditional aspect with its customs and spiritual beliefs/superstitions, it would be clearly detrimental to my life. (Sarcasm intended but to my parents it's serious talk)
My family is pretty lenient on the things I do for example my physical appearance choices of hair dye, nail polish, black eyeliner- not a lot but enough for them to think its too dark, tattoos and past piercings at a number of 13- all which have been taken out. I've broken free of the model minority mold from my parents a long time ago, but there are still some things I know I have to abide by. I know when to push buttons and lines that cannot be crossed without some easing into or hesitation.
So to see the ungauged reaction of my mother's last night completely floored me. I don't know how they'd take the news of me wanting to change my hair color a complete 180 degrees. I'm even sure that these drastic changes in color- paint and hair dye, may not even happen. We shall see.
I hope you all are having a lovely weekend.
Post Week Breakdown
So my friend took me to go make an appointment and the whole time I was fighting the urge to run the other way. To be honest I wanted to chicken out. And had it not been for my dear friend with strong discipline, I would have chickened out. I started trying to justify my reasons and actions so that I wouldn't have to go and confront the possibilities of my issues. I tried to justify that since I was feeling better that maybe I was okay and that nothing was wrong with me afterall. But then I realized, no, that's denial, and as cliche as it sounds, denial is a sign of trouble not to mention my urge to prepare flight. So thus my appointment is this coming friday and we shall see what comes of it.
On another note, I'm starting to think that maybe something is wrong. I mean I may have flukes of feeling better, but ultimately, not so much. I feel like shit and I can't deny it or lie to myself anymore. Right now I feel awful and yes I kind of want to cry. I wish there was something that could completely remove my miserable feeling from my chest so that it was never there and that I was brand new. I hurt everywhere and everything hurts me. I need to stop lying to myself just to get through an issue that will eventually return if I don't ever really confront it.
On another note, I'm starting to think that maybe something is wrong. I mean I may have flukes of feeling better, but ultimately, not so much. I feel like shit and I can't deny it or lie to myself anymore. Right now I feel awful and yes I kind of want to cry. I wish there was something that could completely remove my miserable feeling from my chest so that it was never there and that I was brand new. I hurt everywhere and everything hurts me. I need to stop lying to myself just to get through an issue that will eventually return if I don't ever really confront it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Huh..
So tomorrow my dear friend is apparently taking me to the clinic to check out information about the possibilities of a chemical imbalance in me and hopefully look into some antidepressants. This should be interesting and I'm sort of looking forward to it. Maybe I could finally get some answers. Or maybe I am just overtly dramatic and stupid like the rest of them.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Oh The Possibilities
Really, let's not start to get all dramatic now.
No.. let's.
I think there might be something seriously wrong with me. I've often contemplated the thought of a possible chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe that would explain my extreme highs and lows and never inbetweens that I so wish I could find, hold on to, and never have to let go. Maybe that would explain the reason behind my irrational emotions that seem to not only fluctuate but also circulate in whatever way possible so much as it drives me insane.
I have no fucking reason why I should be unhappy or sad or dare I say it? Depressed. There is absolutely no viable reason why I should be so frustrated with anything and everything at once. It's really quite stupid. I've never been one take advantage or indulge in the dramatized option and speculation of saying you're depressed, but really you're just looking for attention. I've always loathed people that have done that because I know it's all bullshit.
I don't know. Could it just be the masochistic part of me winning each time? The fact that I can never just be happy or even just content or whatever that just didn't have to be classified as whatever is unhappy? Even though I so desperately wish it every single fucking day.
Perhaps the drug experimentation I've once seriously indulged in but now refuse to partake in that has seriously fucked up my mind?
Whatever it is, it shouldn't suck this much to just exist. I was feeling fine and then it just fucking hits me out of nowhere and I go empty (not in a good way because believe me the good numb way is so much better) and insecure and completely sad feeling like just crying for no apparent reason all at the same time losing all will to do anything but lie in my bed and just go through motions rather than live my fucking life. It shouldn't have to hurt so much on a daily basis. (Mind you this isn't a hurt from a guy because that would be really insipid because really I'm over that, this is a different kind of hurt stemmed from my too empathetic too compassionate and passionate traits that seem to make up part of what makes me me. This kind of hurt I've described in previous entries)
This is life. This is it; it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.
Yes this is my fucking life. So why is it that I'm losing all motivation to live it?
I question why am I feeling like this? No let's not get all Freudian and say well there must be some reason behind my emotions. I have spent countless years trying to decipher the meaning behind my emotions and just when I think I've understood them, guess what? You don't.
Honestly let's be serious. There logically should be no reason for my unfortunate change in attitude, outlook, and emotional state for I am very very fortunate to lead the life I lead. Life should be fucking great. Yet this emotional or hormonal shift happened out of no where! At least if I knew why that would make more sense. But nope.
I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy in my own mind and I know I have no one that understands. And those that do try, I am thankful for being there for me. For the reason I am quite closed off is because whenever you try, okay since we're getting personal, whenever I try, I get shitted on. Or more so people can't relate. People don't want to even know about the dirty hard stuff that is underneath. Simply because they can't take it. Or they think they can, but really they can't because once they get even a small glimpse of the disaster they cower and wish they had never consented or even thought they could handle it.
Do I expect too much? Maybe. But why shouldn't you have high expectations? I'm an idealist. Though I'm starting to think it's a major flaw in me.
And then I think maybe I'm fated to seriously be really alone because I mean all of these entries are my free flowing thoughts and really if I were another person reading any of this shit, I'd think I were crazy. Shit I do think I'm crazy. But I think, who would really put up with any of this shit? It would take a fucking miracle. No one wants to ever stay around for the destruction let alone help clean up the ruins.
And then I think is it just me out there? And then kicks in my eternally optimistic and hopeful ideology that I can't shake. Because I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. The world is filled with too many people and too many great minds to not be able to come up with an infinite amount of possibilities.
Or maybe blogging is what I really did need to feel better. Because somehow I feel a bit better now after all that contemplative destruction and free speech. Looks like I've come a full circle. It's insane how you can track my emotions just through my words small paragraph by paragraph. I've somehow managed to articulate my way back into feeling better remaining optimistic. I'm passionately in love with articulation. Though I don't think this stuff that fills my entries would be considered as writing. I don't think I'm a good writer. I wish I were, then I could say I'm passionately in love with writing. That would make more sense.
Everything is a constant.
We definitely are still young yet.
No.. let's.
I think there might be something seriously wrong with me. I've often contemplated the thought of a possible chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe that would explain my extreme highs and lows and never inbetweens that I so wish I could find, hold on to, and never have to let go. Maybe that would explain the reason behind my irrational emotions that seem to not only fluctuate but also circulate in whatever way possible so much as it drives me insane.
I have no fucking reason why I should be unhappy or sad or dare I say it? Depressed. There is absolutely no viable reason why I should be so frustrated with anything and everything at once. It's really quite stupid. I've never been one take advantage or indulge in the dramatized option and speculation of saying you're depressed, but really you're just looking for attention. I've always loathed people that have done that because I know it's all bullshit.
I don't know. Could it just be the masochistic part of me winning each time? The fact that I can never just be happy or even just content or whatever that just didn't have to be classified as whatever is unhappy? Even though I so desperately wish it every single fucking day.
Perhaps the drug experimentation I've once seriously indulged in but now refuse to partake in that has seriously fucked up my mind?
Whatever it is, it shouldn't suck this much to just exist. I was feeling fine and then it just fucking hits me out of nowhere and I go empty (not in a good way because believe me the good numb way is so much better) and insecure and completely sad feeling like just crying for no apparent reason all at the same time losing all will to do anything but lie in my bed and just go through motions rather than live my fucking life. It shouldn't have to hurt so much on a daily basis. (Mind you this isn't a hurt from a guy because that would be really insipid because really I'm over that, this is a different kind of hurt stemmed from my too empathetic too compassionate and passionate traits that seem to make up part of what makes me me. This kind of hurt I've described in previous entries)
This is life. This is it; it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.
Yes this is my fucking life. So why is it that I'm losing all motivation to live it?
I question why am I feeling like this? No let's not get all Freudian and say well there must be some reason behind my emotions. I have spent countless years trying to decipher the meaning behind my emotions and just when I think I've understood them, guess what? You don't.
Honestly let's be serious. There logically should be no reason for my unfortunate change in attitude, outlook, and emotional state for I am very very fortunate to lead the life I lead. Life should be fucking great. Yet this emotional or hormonal shift happened out of no where! At least if I knew why that would make more sense. But nope.
I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy in my own mind and I know I have no one that understands. And those that do try, I am thankful for being there for me. For the reason I am quite closed off is because whenever you try, okay since we're getting personal, whenever I try, I get shitted on. Or more so people can't relate. People don't want to even know about the dirty hard stuff that is underneath. Simply because they can't take it. Or they think they can, but really they can't because once they get even a small glimpse of the disaster they cower and wish they had never consented or even thought they could handle it.
Do I expect too much? Maybe. But why shouldn't you have high expectations? I'm an idealist. Though I'm starting to think it's a major flaw in me.
And then I think maybe I'm fated to seriously be really alone because I mean all of these entries are my free flowing thoughts and really if I were another person reading any of this shit, I'd think I were crazy. Shit I do think I'm crazy. But I think, who would really put up with any of this shit? It would take a fucking miracle. No one wants to ever stay around for the destruction let alone help clean up the ruins.
And then I think is it just me out there? And then kicks in my eternally optimistic and hopeful ideology that I can't shake. Because I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. The world is filled with too many people and too many great minds to not be able to come up with an infinite amount of possibilities.
Or maybe blogging is what I really did need to feel better. Because somehow I feel a bit better now after all that contemplative destruction and free speech. Looks like I've come a full circle. It's insane how you can track my emotions just through my words small paragraph by paragraph. I've somehow managed to articulate my way back into feeling better remaining optimistic. I'm passionately in love with articulation. Though I don't think this stuff that fills my entries would be considered as writing. I don't think I'm a good writer. I wish I were, then I could say I'm passionately in love with writing. That would make more sense.
Everything is a constant.
We definitely are still young yet.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Everything Must Eventually Run Its Course.. And Thank God For That
The strangest thing. I was just going through the motions of my day today when a thought hit me. (As most of my revelations do tend to just hit me quite suddenly, that's the only way to have a full on epiphany right?)
It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Actually, it's barely there. Isn't that wonderful? It's more so just bittersweet now and that I can handle because it's not attached to longing for what was but it's more so associated with it was nice and now it's over and good that it's over. Even when I listen to music that reminds me of him it doesn't hurt like it did before. There's just a faint acknowledgment of what once was. But no pain that used to come in waves throughout my whole body that radiated from my chest outwards. Now they're just familiar good songs. I don't know the cause for this new start but often times I have to be hit by things suddenly to get it or more so get over things. (Once you make up your mind it's easy right?) But even so, it doesn't hurt as much anymore and I don't feel as much anymore. It's almost barely there. (I said almost, I didn't say it was all gone) I mean it's still slightly there, but I can feel it dissipating. This is good. So good that I felt I just had to share and archive this feeling of transformation. The process has started. Finally. (I just hope I don't relapse. Let's all hope. I never want to let you hurt me again.)
Could it be because of the immense amount of energetic cosmic change around me that I'm gladly feeding and thriving off of?
I feel like I'm finally starting to be okay. Returning back to my recluse ways that have always been my comfort resort. I feel like I don't need anything and I'm content again. I don't feel like something's missing and I also don't feel a great desire to gain something for what I think I'm lacking in. I'm okay with my current situations and state of mind. And I can't tell you how relieved I finally am. This is the feeling of liberation that I have been waiting for. To be finally free of the wounds that haven't been able to heal til now. I'm finally becoming the great person I once was and once was so proud of. Finally returning to my beloved nonchalant behavior and attitude. Because if you had mistaken me for someone who gave a shit, I'm someone who really doesn't and really doesn't want to.
This is so good.
This is great.
I feel like this is it.
I feel like I don't feel anything anymore.
I'm over you. So over you.
It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Actually, it's barely there. Isn't that wonderful? It's more so just bittersweet now and that I can handle because it's not attached to longing for what was but it's more so associated with it was nice and now it's over and good that it's over. Even when I listen to music that reminds me of him it doesn't hurt like it did before. There's just a faint acknowledgment of what once was. But no pain that used to come in waves throughout my whole body that radiated from my chest outwards. Now they're just familiar good songs. I don't know the cause for this new start but often times I have to be hit by things suddenly to get it or more so get over things. (Once you make up your mind it's easy right?) But even so, it doesn't hurt as much anymore and I don't feel as much anymore. It's almost barely there. (I said almost, I didn't say it was all gone) I mean it's still slightly there, but I can feel it dissipating. This is good. So good that I felt I just had to share and archive this feeling of transformation. The process has started. Finally. (I just hope I don't relapse. Let's all hope. I never want to let you hurt me again.)
Could it be because of the immense amount of energetic cosmic change around me that I'm gladly feeding and thriving off of?
I feel like I'm finally starting to be okay. Returning back to my recluse ways that have always been my comfort resort. I feel like I don't need anything and I'm content again. I don't feel like something's missing and I also don't feel a great desire to gain something for what I think I'm lacking in. I'm okay with my current situations and state of mind. And I can't tell you how relieved I finally am. This is the feeling of liberation that I have been waiting for. To be finally free of the wounds that haven't been able to heal til now. I'm finally becoming the great person I once was and once was so proud of. Finally returning to my beloved nonchalant behavior and attitude. Because if you had mistaken me for someone who gave a shit, I'm someone who really doesn't and really doesn't want to.
This is so good.
This is great.
I feel like this is it.
I feel like I don't feel anything anymore.
I'm over you. So over you.
Monday, October 5, 2009
It's Happening Again And I Love It
Whenever I discover new music that radiates throughout my body and soul. It completely consumes me and creates a beautiful feeling that miraculously takes away all the bad things if even for a moment.
Also, fall is here again. And I love it. A bunch of nostalgic and wistful air that brings back the ambiance of lovely past sentiments. It's all over and all over and around me. I love it. I even love the smell of it when I happen to catch a breeze of it. It's paralleled to that dry summery air that I love to take in.
It's the air.
Also, fall is here again. And I love it. A bunch of nostalgic and wistful air that brings back the ambiance of lovely past sentiments. It's all over and all over and around me. I love it. I even love the smell of it when I happen to catch a breeze of it. It's paralleled to that dry summery air that I love to take in.
It's the air.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sending Out A Wish Or Perhaps An Underhanded Plea?
Where did all the preferred finesse go? Where did all of the sweet guys who don't JUST want to get into your pants go? You know, the ones that are actually and genuinely sweet and devoid of any vulgarity/derogatory slander (at least in front of the girl they're trying to impress- no matter what guys will be just the same old slimy boys) or the ones that are not too overzealous at any chance they get from what kissing can lead to. The ones that go slow and are subtly sensitive enough about a girl's fucked up past to take it into consideration before acting douchey. All it takes it just one false move to kill perfection. And I hate that. (Perfection in my eyes doesn't have to be perfect, but it's a feeling that gets pretty close and a must in the beginning for a successful transition. And perfection meaning something that can be spun into something beautiful- give me a break, I afterall am a complete idealist and hopeless romantic)
I mean what is there a fucking sign on my head or our heads- us girls I mean- that say we prefer douchebaggery over the slightest bit of romance or even sensitivity for the matter? Romance and compassion doesn't have to be mushy because believe me, I do hate immensely mushy and cheesy things. They make me sick to my stomach. Yet girls do prefer romance and all that over a fucking tool. But then again us girls do tend to be attracted to assholes. But TRUST ME, you "boys" would have a whole lot more luck if you were more subtle. (I say boys because there is a huge difference between a real man and a boy- figuratively speaking of course. A real man holds so much more weight and there are so few in our lives that step up to the plate yes?)
What a trip. Don't you just loathe how everything's completely twisted and contradictory? I do.
I mean what is there a fucking sign on my head or our heads- us girls I mean- that say we prefer douchebaggery over the slightest bit of romance or even sensitivity for the matter? Romance and compassion doesn't have to be mushy because believe me, I do hate immensely mushy and cheesy things. They make me sick to my stomach. Yet girls do prefer romance and all that over a fucking tool. But then again us girls do tend to be attracted to assholes. But TRUST ME, you "boys" would have a whole lot more luck if you were more subtle. (I say boys because there is a huge difference between a real man and a boy- figuratively speaking of course. A real man holds so much more weight and there are so few in our lives that step up to the plate yes?)
What a trip. Don't you just loathe how everything's completely twisted and contradictory? I do.
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