Dance Party

Hmm so lately I have really been feeling like just turning up the music and dancing it out. Yes, must do that soon. (:
I need to do something to get me out of this horrible and entirely loathsome rut.

Shut up, dance it out.

I Wish I Really Were A Robot

Outside,
I am as silent and subdued as a robot.
Inside,
I am screaming and dying while I slowly watch myself (as if an observer, seriously it is as if I am literally watching myself) let my body and everything it helps keep together decay away.
The light is going out. The hard gem-like flame is succumbing to self-incineration.
I can feel it; it is as if the molecules that make up my entire physicality are slowly detaching themselves one by one. The tiny atoms seem to be subtly surrendering themselves to their own extinction. As if they're all collectively hoping to be inevitably integrated back among the ugliness of the self destructive world.
It is like I am here, but really not.

High Times

Gahh I just cannot stop playing this song. Definitely on repeat. I love it. Love the beats and love the lyrics. Love it.

Landon Pigg and The Turbo Fruits- High Times

I put a bomb in your fire you say 'uh-oh, uh-o'h
I put a bomb in your fire you say uh-oh, uh-oh
There is a way to predict the outcome with people like you.

You are a sheep in sheep’s clothing and you know, you know
I am a-coming to get you you say 'uh-oh, uh-oh'
There is a way to predict the outcome with people like you.

I open up my gates and you become mine,
It’s game over in my undertow.
I wish I could explain, but I just ain’t got the time.
So I’ll show you, watch out now here it goes.

I, I, I, I, I won’t you lower your sun and your shield,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I’m gonna show you how submission feels.
I, I, I, I, I won’t you take off your armor for me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I’m gonna show you how to be free.

I am a sun spot solar flaring you know, you know
There isn’t any place any where that you go, you go
That you you won’t feel my flame.

And when you try to resist it’s like ha-ha, ha-ha
There is no way around this tell me ho-ho, ho-ho
Holy roller can you feel my flame?
I open up my gates and you become mine,
It’s game over in my undertow.

And I wish I could explain but I just ain’t got the time,
So I’ll show you watch out now here it goes.

I, I, I, I, I won’t you lower your sun and your shield.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I’m gonna show you how submission feels.
I, I, I, I, I won’t you take off your armor for me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I’m gonna show you how to be free.

I think it’s high time for me to give you a kiss.
I bet you never find a thimble looking like this.
I think it’s high time for me to give you a kiss.
If someone would cover me we’ll make it happen before the end of this riff.

Cover for me!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh won’t you lower your sun and your shield.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I’m gonna show you how submission feels.
I, I, I, I, I won’t you shake off your armor for me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh I’m gonna show you how to be free.

Disintergrate

I feel like I'm wasting away..
And part of me really doesn't care to save myself.

Back To Reality

Very interesting week + weekend for sure. I don't really feel like elaborating right now about what happened. Though I am sure I will go into it eventually. Right now I am using the self preservation tactic of evasiveness. But here's a short overview: me and stephen are depressingly extringuished and the vegas trip was crazy but I am so glad to be back home. Glad to be back to the content routine of productive working and refraining away from stupid shit. I am so sick of doing stupid shit.

Oh yeah, so I think I really might go seek a psych consult soon. No lie.
And I need to go book shopping at Barnes & Nobles soon because I'm out of new books.
Cheers.

But Then Again

But then again sometimes a good fight and some tears of frustration are needed to smooth things over a bit.

It really is true, sometimes all you need is a good cry. My inability to cry is probably partially to blame for my bipolar demeanor. As I had a small family argument with my parents today, I guess all the pent up frustration just slowly got released and eventually dissipated. After a quick visit to the restroom to control myself, I came back all refreshed and miraculously (just as I presumed) the family universal balance seemed to be restored to a lightheartedness that should have always been there.
It's strange, even a small amount of hot tears can even make me feel better. I've really been contemplating seeking counseling lately as a resolution to my dramatic issues because all this shit is getting out of hand and becoming quite absurd.

I swear, the twisted and fucked up universe is a trip.
And now off to Vegas for 5 days for work and then back for a night and then right back for 2 nights for some real play. Bring it.

On A Side Note

I think I may have lost the shining love from my father. (okay, I know he really can't stop loving his daughter, but for now it seems like it) I have definitely noticed a change from warm to cool from my father in his affections. All the fatherly gestures I have come to have decoded to be for love have disappeared. He barely speaks to me let alone even looks at me anymore. I have to say I am stunned and astonished at the same time.

It's only been two days. Wow.
I don't know whether to be shocked from the the temperature decrease or to be dumbfounded by the juvenile mentality of an almost 60 year old father.

Yep, really don't know what else to say. Practically speechless by the immaturity and quickness of how things happen. Is it better to have affecting arguments with your father of whom you have never had a relationship with? Or to have him always absent for half of your entire life?

I think this is an all time new record for destructive personalities even for me. I really don't know whether to laugh at the ridiculousness of the behaviorial situation or to be hurt. Because to be honest, I don't really think I am. Just a little butthurt from the attention lost I suppose; it's a pretty standard emotion for anyone to feel and it'll pass.

But let's not ruin the Happy Friday yeah? Because eventually it'll pass and things will return back to the way they once were. A comfortable and steady mess.

We'll Always Have Vegas

Tomorrow is the night, our night. We'll both be in Vegas; coincidentally both put in that situation from our jobs. We're planning on meet up at night for drinks. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully things will go well and we'll finally be able to say the things we're never able to say.

Good Riddance

And then I don't feel so bad anymore after my father goes on another way too condescending and juvenile tirade about blah blah blah blah blah.

Really?

Silent Treatment x 10

You know what's worse than the silent treatment from my mother?

The silent treatment from my father.
They last for days.

And it's taken me up until now to realize where my brother gets his stubborn and incorrigible immature"grudge" behavior during heated arguments.

What's so bad about the silent treatment from my father is that we've never really had a relationship to begin with (him having traveled for all of my life and still doing so might I add)and I understand that his constant need to out-do, jabber, and impress comes from the internal need to overcompensate for the years that he has lost and the time we'll never be able to get back.

But it's been too long now and it's too difficult to even mend. I don't even know how to fit him in my life anymore because the gap is just too great.

And my bipolar moods really don't mesh well with the continuous familial issues that will always be around.
My dutiful Chinese daughter guilt doesn't suit well with me either for now I have the massive guilt and regret in my chest of a father's bruised ego.

What's worse than a person crying?
A grown man's internal ache for something that will never be there and his inability to connect because of the perpetually stuck facade.

And Just As Quickly

No joke, I feel like disappearing/crying/hiding out all over again.

I seriously need a bright beach day (with some great tunes and spectacular book) in one of my new skimpy ass bikinis; preferably the red strapless one.

Here's to fading out into the nothingness of the dark place.

Dumbasses Stop Re-populating

I'll never understand just how low the morals and ethics of humanity can really stoop and continue to exist in reality.

I'll never understand why people are always constantly overly taking advantage of the nicer person, who seems almost powerless to stop it themselves, while still trying to scam off them as much as they can.

It sucks to see people get overly taken advantage of, used, abused, and discarded.

I'll never understand how the world can produce people who are so cutthroat and how the world seriously really thrives on grotesque behavior rather than rightful integrity.

Everywhere I turn I seem to just encounter more and more scum of the earth as if there is just an overflowing of excess in the seam of our world.

I may not be very religious (for obvious reasons in my lacking faith in mankind) and what's left of that is mostly Buddhist, but it makes me think: there can't be a god/God if the world remains to be just this ugly with more unfairness than even slight fairness confirmed by the stories and experiences of everyone I have come across.

And I know this is something that will never cease to perplex and perpetually bother me.