Rightful Place

The adverse effects a human body can endure and sustain are phenomenal. Not only do we have to worry about our own mortality (for those who do indeed choose life over an end), but also we have the double edged sword of emotionality wrapped around mentality that we have to be cautious and constantly careful with when we pick it up to play.

But it's as if our bodies are this major power sucking and augmenting force that just continues to perpetually adapt and 'go with it' (even if our hearts and minds are breaking into a thousand shard bits) rather than break down into literal cataclysm from repeated damage and abuse.

The past should be left where it belongs. <3 It should've always been that way and I should've never wavered on my principles, who was I kidding? Only myself right?
Thank you for reminding me, if I don't start to make myself learn now, I never will.

OH MY GOD

You need to listen to this major gem right here. You all know how much I love Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5, so I love love love this song. I can't help but dance to it when listening (haha but I can't help dancing wherever I go even without music). Really good mix. Dude, and the lyrics. Everything, so perfect. Just. So. Great. <3



Can it be I stayed away too long?
Did I leave your mind when I was gone?
Well it's not my thing trying to get back,
But this time let me tell you where I'm at.

I wanna wanna be where you are,
Oh oh.
Anywhere you are,
Oh oh oh.
I wanna wanna be where you are,
Oh oh.
Everywhere you are,
Oh oh oh.

Answer this,
Could it be I should have came back in an orderly fashion,
Girl I'm just asking.
What happened to the way that we used to be?
Up late at night counting stars just you and me.
Now I'm the star you feeling like you losing me,
But I won't let you go, you don't know what you do to me.
Like my religion you always stay true to me,
That's money over women, but you got glued to me.
I just want you back to light rooms with me,
And in the back of my mind, jump a broom with me.
Nah wait it's too soon for me,
I just want some space in your heart, is there room for me?

Can it be I stayed away too long?
Did I leave your mind when I was gone?
Well it's not my thing trying to get back,
But this time let me tell you where I'm at.

I wanna wanna be where you are,
Oh oh.
Anywhere you are,
Oh oh oh.
I wanna wanna be where you are,
Oh oh.
Everywhere you are,
Oh oh oh.

Aye now that I'm gone I gotta testify,
I wanna be with you and I cannot lie.
Looking at my phone another text inside,
Saying how you miss me like I just passed by.
Now I'm out on the road like the Jackson 5,
Say you happy for the kid, but when I'm gone you crying.
When I reply, you get that high,
Like that's my swag girl I'm just that fly.
But you gonna hold me down like gravitation,
'Cause back at home we was passed the dating.
Now I want to see your face and I passed the waiting,
Thinking bout a ring got the pastor waiting.

Can it be I stayed away too long?
Did I leave your mind when I was gone?
Well it's not my thing trying to get back
But this time let me tell you where I'm at

I wanna wanna be where you are,
Oh oh.
Anywhere you are,
Oh oh oh.
I wanna wanna be where you are,
Oh oh.
Everywhere you are,
Oh oh oh.

It's 3rd back again,
And I need you baby like oxygen.
If I start from 10 telling you how I feel,
By the time I get to one you would know that it's real.

10 is your smile I ain't seen in a while,
9 you're all mines and I love your sign,
8 is no debate me and you look great,
And 7 keep letting me know to have faith.
6 is a kiss that I leave on ya cheek,
5 no lies and I put it on a beat,
4 so much more that we got to see,
3 you just can't be without me,
2 me and you always have a ball,
1 I'm gonna call so don't ask at all.

I'm On The Right Track, Baby

Oh my god, why is she so amazing? I think she just may be or might become a greater icon than Madonna. Yeah, I said it. Even though she doesn't have the decades on Madonna, what she has accomplished and influenced within the short time she's been present? Oh my god, come on. Be serious. Her image is just an image, but not who she is. People just need to understand and accept that. Grow up, learn, and develop. She's a fucking genius icon; she's really an artist. Which is something we haven't seen or had in a long time considering the watered down, though of course thought not, mainstream drug induced rave mania electro bandwagon media bullshit, led by the younger generation (yes I'm quite young, but honestly I am so tired of 21 and under kids and those who have been acting so for years after hitting of age), we seem to be quite unfortunately and inadvertantly progressing into. Don't get me wrong, I love my fair share of synthesizers and electro beats, but shit's getting out of hand. What happened? Too many goddamn wonderful drugs and impulsive gratification undoings; thus locking in the complete promise cause of our demise.

Anyway, I got carried away. Back to the main act.

I fucking love this song (well done her), and dancing it out to this song at the club last night was aweeesooomeeee. This song, true has the progressing trend of altruism, but it's still great because it also sends a sort of fuck you message to those who don't like her because of the audacity of her "strangeness" at androgeny- I love androgeny though (in clothing, music, etc.), but strangeness? more like AWESOMENESS. Yep, everyone's a little scared bitch to encounter something different and man up.
Okay. Dude, this grammy's performance doesn't even need any more explanation.

Je Deux Amour, Et Te Veux Ta Revanche

I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's free
I want your love

I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Caught in a bad romance

I want your horror
I want your design
‘Cause you're a criminal
As long as you're mine
I want your love

I want your psycho
Your vertigo stick
Want you in my rear window
Baby you're sick
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love


You know that I want you

You know that I need you

I want it bad, your bad romance


I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don't wanna be friends

Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ta revanche
J'veux ton amour
I don't wanna be friends

I don't wanna be friends

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Changes

It's barely been a few months and I'm already fiending for a new tattoo. I'm going to call my guy today and see if he's free. (:

Update*** February 25, 4:13am
Got a new addition to the tattoo collection. Tight.

I know I say all these things and I said all these things in the previous entries. About living and feeling life and about it being worthwhile, and it is. And I meant it genuinely. And I'm trying to stay happy or be happy. But it's tough. I wish I knew the explanations to these highs and lows so that I could be rid of the lows once and for all. I can't seem to find the resolution as to why moods change without warning or without trigger. I said all these optimistic and hopeful things- and I am an eternal optimist, but that still doesn't take away the fact that I can't seem to get there all the way even when I'm trying to so hard. I'm failing miserably and I can't stop fucking up and fucking things up. But I just need to keep on trekking and trying over and over again.

Do Over

So, you remember that long list of New Year's Resolutions? Progress hasn't been going well on the important ones, the easy ones were easy and petty. So, luckily some things in life you're able to try and do better after making mistakes or "failing."

So let's try it again. These are the only things of top priority to me, the other stuff can wait.

1. Stop drinking so much as to decrease the chance of crazy hysterics and stupid shit; thus being more responsible and hurting myself less.
2. Keep working on improving my karma to be a better person and to be less of a jerk.
3. Stop letting myself get walked all over and treated like shit.
4. Increase patience fuse and tolerance; breath more to not become so flustered so quickly and end up picking fights for no reason.
5. Keep continuing to get healthier.
6. Try to remember to take meds consistently. (much to my chagrin, I've sort of been forgetting) And appreciate life more.
7. Start to care more about myself rather than instinctively put everyone first- thus to actually try and begin loving myself.
8. Continue to start a new everyday and rebuild while leaving everything behind until I get it right and become the girl I used to be proud of being.

It isn't enough to just know the good and bad things about yourself, you have to really believe and understand them as well. An acceptance must be admitted in order to move forward promisingly. Here's to hoping and here's to coping.

Ready?

Alright I wrote this last night after an alarming phone call from my kindred genius literary spirit of whom I love entirely. She really gets me, the only one who really really, no I mean really, gets me. You know, who appreciates the whole 'art is never happiness' thing, you know, that well known tattoo picture? Yeah, none of my other realist friends will ever really understand, but okay that's not fair to say ever, but for now until they wish to understand- that's what i'mmaaaa say. Anyway, I don't really have an intention or motive or purpose for the matter of this entry. But hey I'll give you some of my unforeseen and adventitious thoughts without even asking for a penny.

There are things that seriously confuse me. Looking back and reviewing all of my turbulent entries- especially this past year- has made me wonder about the histrionics behind these fluctuating emotions. Because yes, life should be fairly simple. Or at least that's what we all want. Surfaces aside, tangibility, class, conveniences, advantages, and privilege, sure do fuck things up don't they? It completely blows my mind as to why the issues in my mind just continue to stir and stir. Technically, everything is fine and perfect. I've been born into so much fortunate opportunity and advantage, I appreciate it to no extent and don't take it ever for granted for a second, but what the fuck right? Why all the disorder? I mean, there are worse situations out there, so why shouldn't I be waking up smiling everyday? There absolutely should be no reason as to why I should be so masochistically indulgent, possibly alcoholic, borderline reckless, or on prescription meds. So why am I? Why is life never enough? I'm beginning to realize more and more that really, nothing is ever good enough, for anyone. It's a flaw of the human condition. We expect too much, we hope too much, we want too much. We live in a world of luxury and convenience that we don't know what it's like to just do what is necessary to live, rather we've turned it into a life that is completely discontent and unsatisfied unless it gets what it wants at that moment. When did we all turn into complete intolerant brats? What the fuck happened? right?

We got fucking lazy. (Think Pixar's Wall-E, I swear it's a genius warning and prediction, just like Water World, haha okay don't hate- that movie was great) We created everything to think for us, let ourselves become brainwashed into pattern and cycle- repeatedly throughout the decades, that now the majority doesn't even think to think. I see everyday people who already have these assumptions yet they cannot supply a reason as to why they think that way. Their answer being "just because, that's just how it is." Which is by far the dumbest and least plausible 'reason' ever possible. And then they get angry if you suggest anything different than what they are used to, but only because they're fucking scared of change. Everybody's chicken shit and when met with a force who is willing to execute, the executer becomes either a scapegoat or the black sheep. Congratulations world for being close-minded ignorant dumbasses. Okay, but I digress.

Anger is a self defense mechanism right? and people are all too afraid of anything different than what they are used to. People are afraid of change because it pulls on their comfort zone and poses a possibility of uncertainty. I'll never understand these people and how they are not even capable of letting themselves possibly be even the slightest bit open to opposing a normative ideology. Some people really just don't get it, we're not asking them to change. We're just asking for a small space for them to actually hear what we have to say and just be open and if not tolerant. They don't even have to accept it. Yet, they won't even slightly bend a little to consider a different idea and try to hear things from not just both sides, but all sides- that's all we ask- all perspectives because there aren't just two. We are after all '3 dimensional' correct? Hmm maybe they need to redefine the term to something actually pertaining to all dimensional? Are you following? If not, then read it again. Kay thanks.

Okay, next topic.

Do people really understand just how painful certain sensations they have never felt (given that everyone feels things differently) are? Or do they just accept it as merely overreaction and pettiness on a woman's part? (fuck that by the way, fuck the whole male population always having to reverse psychology turn negative all around and blame everything on the woman, fuck god and superiority complexes) Most people immediately judge, often times without being aware they are doing so- everyone's a hypocrite remember?- and it just turns out just so. They just take things for surface value.

(What the fuck, feel something right? jeebus, why is it so hard for people to just let them feel emotions we obviously possess all too powerfully? What's the point of living if you don't allow yourself to really feel everything life has to offer. Woah, did I just come to a breakthrough? I mean I've said something like this before, but I don't think I've ever thought it out completely and made it to the other side. Gotta love this whole blogging thinking analyzing evaluating process this whole writing thing provides yes? Anyway, how do you define living? Yeah sure, I might be fucked up, nahh definitely fucked up, and feel too much, but I think I've come to the conclusion that I would rather feel something, then nothing at all- no matter how painful and no matter how sometimes I wish I were a robot. This is the milestone in my life, this moment and this recognition. This is our life, my life, right here and right now. Isn't it our duty to make a mark any way we can? even if the mark is disastrous and dark/twisty? I suppose this is the reason to continue breathing/surviving because ending your/my life would be a waste and dumb right? (haha watch me change my mind next week, but I promise to try my hardest). But either way, you owe it to whomever decided to keep you and bring you into this god forsaken world right? even if it brought you into unfortunate circumstance, it doesn't matter- you're here. But, bleeding is different than dying. Physical pain is different than drifting away and we all do what we can. We all acknowledge that life is just too fucking hard sometimes, I guess that's why most people just choose to feel things halfway rather than the passionate maximum degree. But I understand because then everyone would be as crazy as I and you my kindred spirits. Yep.) Wow, look at me finally speaking about something important for once about the existential politics I so cherish. I haven't been able to do this in a long time. This is a big step. I've been able to write, obviously, but nothing about anything philosophical or really what I would consider to be spectacular or significant. My previous posts from when I had just began this blog- like 2009?- are so much more awakening and transcendent resembling.

This past year, everything has just been emotional crap after crap and really in all retrospect not at all important in relation to life and my life as a whole. These crazy episodes aren't going to even matter 5 years from now, that's how you can tell what's really important and what's not. Well that's how I gauge it. Although I may be too expressive and way too passionate and give off the impression of major theatrics, but really, what people don't understand or don't want to understand is true story, I get over things way too quickly. All they see is what's on the surface because that's what they only want to see- that I'm a crazy emotional wreck- which I am- rather than something more. There are so many other things that are more important and so much greater to believe in. (Philosophy, Politics, Enlightenment, in depth/intellectual/stimulating conversations, etc.- not dumb things like lust or who did what to whom because in the end, it doesn't matter right? wow, another possible breakthrough. You think all these crazy episodes are just me trying to create stimulation for life? If not, life is boring right? Okay, let's not even go there because that sounds really bad, but everything I do is self-contradictory so whatever, deal)

Alright, think about this. Most people in the world really don't understand the dynamics behind certain, I suppose I could or rather should? use the word 'craziness'. Are certain issues really that bad? But who's one to fucking judge right? when you're mind feels like it's about to explode, then you'd feel pretty serious wouldn't you? What you feel is what you feel right? You can't help feeling the emotions that surge throughout your body correct? Correct my friends.

Really, what the fuck is really real and what isn't? And why are we even having all these existential discussions? The crazy train just hit full force. Not. Or really?

And if you haven't found anything yet, then I really feel sorry for you. There is so much beautiful hidden depth the 'true world'- a term I refer to as my world, well not mine but the world I choose to see and believe it through all the crap. It's the world that keeps hope thriving and protects while shielding you from hopelessness. Hah, but I'll stop before I get into one of my transcendental discussions. So, why would you want to be a negative someone with no hopes and dreams? Aren't dreams and fantasies part of the fun?

Okay, topic switch.

Craziness aside, I remember having a conversation with one of my great friend's over drinks at dinner last week and we sort of got into a conversation about human beings and how their minds think.

I say people can roughly be divided into two categories. (other categories and labels aside- but oh my god let's not get into that conversation now hah)
-There are the people who go far back as to break down the foundation of why a person acts the way they do or is the way they are- to really understand what's going on because they want to. These are the people who look at situations from a larger sphere; they take in the entire picture and then some while at the same time thinking more than just outside the box.
-And then there are those who just don't even have the slightest consideration or consciousness to try to understand or want to know the reasons behind things that have the appearance of absurdity. These people don't even have a clue- even when they think that they do, they really don't. Once they make up their minds, that's it. These are the people who come off as entirely unfathomable to me as to why they wouldn't want to understand things through and through. They may occasionally want to make the wheels in the mind spin a bit, but overall they only go as far as just a little behind the surface. They just wade their feet in the water while the other category either fully submerges or immediately jumps in.

But occasionally these two do blur once in a while and there are many underlying factors that should be accounted for, but for now this is all I have. Yet, I don't think the two ever completely merge; I don't see how it's possible. Unless there's a realization and an understanding involved regarding self improvement I suppose. These are things that make up who a person is regardless if they're positive quality traits or not.

Hmmmmm, some mind food for thought eh? How does your brain feel?

Fuck Genetics

I swear I fucking get my craziness from my mother. There's shit she does sometimes that seriously perplexes me. And believe me, makes me really feel for my friends having to deal with my shit even more so than I empathized with before.

So, you know how I tend to wear my heart slightly on my sleeve? Well, she actually wears her heart on her sleeve full force and full blown even more than I do. She behaves like a petulant child (I mean it, literally with the huffs and puffs and fist balling- no lie, true story bro) and can at any instant become emotionally angry, frustrated, crazy and thus expressing it with full rage and defensiveness. (sound familiar? yeah, but mine is definitely at half rage since I definitely have part, thank god or hopefully, of my father's calm and all too mellow demeanor- I swear, if I didn't have it, I would be full on crazy like my mother and not know what kind of person I could even turn out to be- but, let's hope it doesn't progress further as I age) Difference, she gets bothered by the smallest things, such as having to wait 5 minutes in line, or if a fax doesn't go through. To me, those are petty types of issues (but we all knew that since there are only a handful of things I care about while the rest don't even matter or skim my radar) that should serve as no reason to become distraught over and over again on a daily basis. Key word: daily basis.

We all can conclude that women are naturally emotional creatures and so we definite have or should get leeway to act out sometimes because we really cannot help it since our bodies are working so hard to deal with our ever-fluctuating hormone levels. (really, take a bio class or read a book homies. god I love finding out how things work and the mechanisms behind them) So once in a while is cool, but posing an opportunity everyday and being able to explode at any moment- now tell me that doesn't have resemblance to a bit of insanity, or at least a behavioral disorder. But makes sense right? Mama cub is bigger and the source of foundation while little cub is smaller but still thus derives traits from where it came from. The smaller- the less proportion. Shut up, don't judge or laugh at my funny analogy haha. Just think about it. (:

My thoughts are entirely inconhesive at the moment and do not flow well because I'm a bit flustered, so sorry for that and thanks for bearing with me. I realized that I talk in these random and sporadic thoughts, but if you get to know me, you get to understand that random and sporadic they may be, I talk in loops and eventually I get to a point after the randomness and bring it all together in the end to really make sense. Haha hopefully. Well, at least my friends think I make a decent amount of logical sense.

Anyway, so she imagines things that she said but in actuality really never was said. She sometimes thinks events took place that really never really happened. And the worst part of all is that she is totally convinced she's right and that her recollections are completely accurate. How can you believe wholeheartedly in something that never really existed to begin with? This is the major thing that seriously I cannot find resolution and comprehension of because I'm the kind of person who says it like it is without changing the content and words if I'm reiterating.

Isn't that just completely ludicrous though? to think something happened but really, it didn't happen at all, and to swear by it nonetheless! Doesn't that sound a bit on the verges of slight derangement? And don't even get me started on my fear of Dementia and Alzheimer's since her memory is really, really going. Example, she can't even remember certain movies she's watched even when we've seen like literally more than 5 times within a span of 2 years. (by the by, I may be speaking bluntly, but all of this deterioration really pains and saddens me because it's god awful unfortunate!) Yeah, please make a pill that prevents all this degeneration and downgrading of life after you peak.

Yet, all this crap I have to take from her because she is indeed my mother keeps me in my place when I get too carried away and egotistical- not to mention at times (yeah, I admit it) idiotically oblivious and ignorant of a situation at whole all at the same time. At least I hope it keeps me in my place well enough, since most of the time I act like I know everything when in reality- totally not true and I really don't know shit compared to the too large spectrum of knowledge in the world, but it's too easy to think that you do when you oppose an idea. Everything's always a competition right? Fuck competition.

I realize I act like a dumbass sometimes- most times? haha. But hey, but at least I'm brave enough to admit it and admit being wrong when I see it! It may not be right away, but eventually I get there.

But all this, just bolsters the already present psychological research/studies and statistics that most of the time, things in our minds cannot be helped no matter how strong a mentality one possesses. Our brain is way too complex for us to control completely and if we were honestly smart enough to understand the human brain, then really, we still wouldn't be able to understand it. Get it?

All in all, I love my mother (and father) wholeheartedly either way. Family is supposed to drive you crazy and you just deal. It hopefully makes you out to be a better person in the end.

And the good thing is that now that I've vented, slight elated euphoria has seeped and worked its luscious sparkling magic into my system and calm me entirely. I fucking love this feeling. Warning: Blogging emits addicting side effects. Oh, and sorry again for errors you may find in this entry. I'm too lazy to edit and was thinking way too quickly to pay attention to the structure and form. But I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did expressing it. (:

Time Warp

So what is it about angry girl rock that I love so much? (you mean what is it about music that I love so? haha I think we all already know the answer to that) Definitely not a feminist matter- I really don't consider myself a feminist. I think it's the heavy guitar and drum sound mingled with way too clever lyrics. I love that heavy sound. Anyway, I began the day off in the morning listening to angry grunge (alternative with a mix of hard rock/punk/metal/indie) girl 90's (basically from 1990-2002) rock. You know, the kind that just makes you want to jump on your bed and completely rock out head bang and extreme air drum (or air guitar, whichever you prefer- but personally I'm an air drum kind of girl) while jumping up and down until you're out of breath and thus filling your brain with amazingly tingle sensation endorphines. Don't you just love that stuff? Utterly awwweeesomeeeee. Yes, I am enunciating the word out as such spelled in a funny voice of coz.

You remember that movie Josie and The Pussycats that came out in 2001 with Rachel Leigh Cook? Well, I absolutely love the rock songs from that movie. It's so great. Don't hate until you have a listen. The lead vocalist is Kay Hanley from Letters to Cleo!

Some more personal favorite 90's angry girl listings:
1. Letters to Cleo (major one, major love)
2. Save Ferris (technically ska punk- but still so great)
3. Moonpools and Caterpillars (soo great)
4. The Breeders (formed by Kim- awesome bassist from the Pixies! yes the same Kim that makes me want to learn how to play electric bass guitar)
5. Garbage

Some angry girl non-90s category favorites (since they're definitely not grunge rock)
1. Fefe Dobson (remember how cute her stuff used to be?)
2. Metric
3. Rilo Kiley (not so angry but still awesome)
4. Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Makes me want to stomp my feet and never stop moving. All hail rockstars. (:

Um, Yeah

I need to drop you, actually, all of you like a fucking bad habit. Sick of everything and all of you within the past year. (the two newbies I've just met- you can stay, for now- but to be honest, I really could care less)

Simply

It's been a couple months- since mid-November to be exact- and I was doing so well, (well sort of, at least much better than how I ended things- with you. you remember that terrible post and the ones around it?- Turbulence Part Duex you're the only one I've ever named in this space and have entries tagged. yeah, I remember that awful moment) until now.

So simply forget me. Forget the sent message, forget that we ever meant something to each other, forget how we cared for each other, forget that we still think of one another, forget how you were that one for me, forget how we were, forget the culmination of 5 on and off years, forget how we took care of each other, forget the secrets, forget how we hurt each other- first me then you and then back and forth all over again, and forget the back of our minds; forget it all. Forget me, please- like how I want to forget you, like how I've been trying to forget you, over and over again, and get you out of the back of my mind forever.

Music Is An Essence

of life<3. For some reason I cannot stop playing this song. I love the back beat- not the one that sounds like brass horns, but the synthesized one. I can't stop wanting to hear it loop around.



"Now tell me how you love it.
You know you at the top when only heaven's right above it."

"Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me,
That's why I pick and choose, I don't get shit confused."

One Thing I Can Tell You, Is You Got To Be Free

So friggen genius. I never get sick of this. I fucking love The Beatles. And if you haven't seen the movie Across The Universe, please do- the renditions are awesome. Not to mention that I have a major thing for Jim Sturgess- that little cutie. <3 (:



Extra***
Oh, and this song has been stuck in my head all day. LOL right? Don't you just love feel good songs? Martin Solveig is so funny, his facial expressions in his music videos are damn amusing. At first I didn't really like this song, but it warms up to you.


This one is great too. Beatsssss. (: I think I like the sound of Dragonette's voice.

Crimson And Clover

Her cover is so much better. I love the slow intro of clean notes sung by her soft voice- in this song at least (she's actually known for her deeper voice)- along with the guitar riffs. Damn.

holy shit

you know it's starting to get bad and out of control when you wake up the next morning and see marks you don't remember making. Coming to the realization that what you did was far worse than what you really initially thought or recollected, the only thing you do remember is the feeling of how much easier and quicker it's becoming to be able to press down far deep and glide across flesh without having any lingering fear or awareness of pain whatsoever anymore. understanding and acknowledging that i'm really not being careful anymore; the habit has come back stronger and uglier than ever before.

this is beginning to get out of hand..

[8.5]

give me one fantastic reason why i should slam on the fucking car brakes when traffic unexpectantly stops- or stops whenever for the matter- instead of keeping my glorious right foot heavy on the all too inviting gas pedal.

my darling, something's strongly calling my name..

You The Shit, That Makes You My Equivalent

Seriously, as long as Darren Criss keeps the blazer, his character's quality sweetness, the hair, and his sexy sexy swag around (his deep eyes and lips are a given already homies- and you already know I absolutely love a guy who can sing<3), he can most definitely have complete access and authorization to father as many of my love babies as possible. <3lovelovelove.

Prepare yourself for some dirtiness, but I say it's okay because it's balanced out by the contrast of the look of these clean preps. (;


Baby girl, where you at?
Got no strings, got men attached.
Can't stop that feelin' for long no,
Mmm.
You makin' dogs wanna beg,
Breaking them off your fancy legs,
But they make you feel right at home, now.

Ooh,
See all these illusions just take us too long.
Ooh, and I want it bad.
Because you walk pretty,
Because you talk pretty,
'Cause you make me sick
And I'm not leavin', till you're leavin'.

Ah,
Oh I swear there's something when she's pumpin',
Asking for a raise.
Oh, well does she want me to carry her home now?
Oh, so does she want me to buy her things?
On my house, on my job,
On my loot, shoes, my shirt,
My crew, my mind, my father's last name?

Ah,
When I get you alone,
When I get you, you'll know baby.
When I get you alone,
When I get you alone now, it's all mine.

Baby girl, you the shit,
That makes you my equivalent.
Well you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight,
All right.
All my dawgs talkin' fast-
Ain't you got some photographs?
'Cause you shook that room like a star, now.
Yes you did, oh.

Ooh,
Oh and I want you so bad.
Because you walk city,
Because you talk city,
'Cause you make me sick,
And I'm not leavin', till you're leavin'.

Ah,
So I pray to something she aint bluffin',
Oh, well does she want me to make a vow?
Check it.
Oh, well does she want me to make it now?
On my house, on my job
On my loot, shoes, my voice,
My crew, my mind, my father's last name?

Ah,
When I get you alone,
When I get you, you'll know baby.

Don't,
you'll ruin it.

Survival Tip #1

Say it until it becomes true, repress it until it disappears and always continue moving forward leaving the past where it belongs.

Love

I'm starting to think that human beings were not made to be monogamous. I mean I know some animals like beavers, bats, and emperor penguins mate for life, but our species- really now? I think we just like the idea of this hyped up notion of perfection and completion because it gives us an answer and peace of mind. Though I have to admit- it's a pretty good one. I know I am a hopeless romantic idealist- but with a side of realist pragmatism.

I mean how do you really know the difference between real love that'll last and something that will just take a while to get over? Shut up you losers who say, if you have to ask then you haven't experienced it. Shut up you idiots, how can you ever be sure? And if you're labeling it real love, how much do you really know? If you're able to define it, then there's probably a great possibility that you're in that naive and ignorant bunch who don't know any better and should probably stop breeding, no, you definitely should stop. (Yes, damn right I just said that)

But seriously, what makes those animals mate for life? They don't ever cheat on each other or leave because they can't do it anymore.

I mean who's to say that it is possible to stay with one person when life is so inconstant. (Didn't studies and research prove something about it being normal to have more than one partner or not human nature to just have one? Or was this just a case on the mentality of males and their need to mark their territory and spread their seeds every which way they can? I dunno, just some food for thought.)

As I look into my past love/lust/infatuation? (what are you supposed to call it?) life, I realized that I only decide to get into real relationships or have the desire to with only people of whom I feel experimentation phase and it's not for me. So I've been working on this celibacy thing for a while, but it really hasn't been working out because my inner sinner seems to come out to play hard whenever I drink- though truthfully I don't ever really put out ever (I might be labeled a tease or a prude- but at least I don't do anything I don't want to do and am always safe), it's just a bit of hardcore foreplay fun- except for some minor slip ups- but it still wasn't meaningless! Haha don't hate and don't judge loser. But I always say that I cannot be held accountable for the things I do when drunk or at night. So either way it's a win for me and all good in the play book.

And I don't know about you, but for me, I can see in the first time I've met someone if he's in that category (you know, the two categories- forever friend or something more/great). If it's not there for me, then I can't give it a try and feel it out. I can't give people what they want if it doesn't make sense to me. But, as of now at my age- I am trying to approach dating from a different angle. I'm trying to take things slower now and feel things out. But, there's always got to be a spark of interest from the start to begin with right? Right.

Okay, so back to my past. When I decide to let someone in, I obviously get attached and when things don't work out- the downward spiral resurfaces. I really need to tone down my lust for life regarding the few things I choose to care about. (But that seems to explain who I am now and my inability to really open my door and let people in- confession: I don't get attached because I'm afraid that if I let myself, then I'll end up needing that person too much. And with most things for an unlucky person such as I, the bottom tends to fall out of everything)

Hence, the reason behind why I fight everything that resembles strings or a permanence- it keeps me safe as could be. I think the only reason why I have commitment issues is because I'm too afraid of the bottom falling out- I always expect it. I've been so independent and alone; I've taken care of myself my entire life for as long as I can remember back to childhood. It's frightening, the thought of allowing your vulnerability to come out and have a go when you choose someone to catch you. What if they don't? Every time I get the least bit closer to someone in that way, I freeze up. It's like I hit an invisible barrier that just cannot be broken through. As if something in my brain somehow disconnects on its own so no way no how, I just stop. Then I end up pushing them away.

I don't know, every time the bottom falls out, it nearly kills me.

But I've realized every time I decide to, I go into these relationships quick and all too fervently that it all eventually ends up scorching me until all that's left of me is this unrepairable black hole. But as I rationalize and examine, each of these had the possibility of love. Am I wrong? Either way you feel what you feel- it doesn't matter what the situation- you still feel an emotion at a moment just as strongly as the next person would in their own dramatic situation.

That is why I ask, how can you even tell? Shit, I seem to fall in love just by looking at someone I don't even know (haha don't hate and don't judge me; it's too much fun and too damn easy when it doesn't matter) - so how do you really know what's going to be everlasting? I know, shut up again you losers- don't tell me that "you don't know, you just have to risk it/chance it" bullshit. I've risked it so many times that I don't have enough strength in me to lose what little left I have of myself. How many times does someone have to get lacerated and adjusted until, wait for it.. until you finally look at yourself and all there is is just a shell of a person. At this point people would say that eventually it'll happen. Well, really? Will it really? What are you, fucking clairvoyant? No, you're just saying it so that it does its job of short term reassurance until the next disaster materializes, but secretly you're scared shitless too that you'll end up 40 and alone at home with your dogs and bottle of wine. Oh, and can't forget about your job too. You feign and deny that being alone doesn't phase you because of how accomplished (or not) you are, but we all know deep down you really want someone you can have sex with forever and feel just as passionate about. Yep, I think that's what we all want- in the end everyone's a sucker.

Okay, I've lost myself again. Yes, monogamy. Okay, then how do you explain when a person, who swears they love a person so damn much, begins to fucking stray? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. But does that just mean it really wasn't love? All we can conclude is that definitely as we grow older, we become more and more tainted and desensitized whereas when were younger, we're so able to feel so in love and believe it wholeheartedly. I know this from experience and I'm sure many others have as well- you know, the infamous "first love". Yep. I'll just be terse with this, for me, when I love someone, that's it for me. My eyes don't see anyone else or even think about anyone else. But as I recollect- that's how I used to be when I was a baby in high school experiencing "love". And my first love, I remember thinking that I would've loved him forever- the end was a horrible and torrid break up with all the tears and craziness you could imagine. Just what a perfect first love experience should be I suppose. It took me a while to get over him, but get over him I eventually did.

Getting over a person isn't the same as getting over or letting go of an experience. How does one actually ever do that anyway? Because I'm still trying to 'eternal sunshine on the spotless mind' that shit- I want some parts of my past erased from memory, but unfortunately that is a failed mission. The experience never leaves you, rather it just gets numb and freezes until you allow yourself to remember it/thaw it out when you decide to recollect/reminisce. While a person is completely replaceable- well, you know what I mean. You can forgive a person for their actions and faults, but an rough experience is hard to completely forget and is another thing all in itself. I guess the real reason I don't go back is because I experience part of the loathsome responsive emotion all over again- as if they are back lashings and whippings that only reenact themselves when you allow them to, but of course the waves of pain sensations causing the anxiety I feel are only a fraction (thank god, imagine if it were just as strong? Haha then there would absolutely be no hope for any of us, not even for the lucky ones) of the very real thing from the past. But more in depth discussion is for another entry altogether, I'm not going to do this now. So, if we're able to get over someone we've loved so deeply, how was it even love in the first place? And if so, then what's to ensure that someone you choose to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part has the capability of actually executing and keeping that promise. The divorce rate is really high and it doesn't seem like anyone can make it anymore. People are fleeting, so is love fleeting as well?

So, how am I now? Well I believe that obviously anyone you meet when you're young has a very slim chance of matrimony, but these experiences are great to take with you and learn from so that you can be better for the one you're supposed to be with. And harsh past experiences, even if you wish you could've done things differently or wish they never happened, either way they have already occurred and there is nothing you can do about it now. So, it is best just to [try] to learn from it and continue moving forward. (gotta love my life ideology yes?)

But then, how can you tell the difference between who's the one? and who's the one right now? How can we ever make it then?

Anyway, I know I am definitely more tainted and not so brand new anymore than ever at present now when it comes to love, but who knows? I just spoke with my co-worker today that a guy we just met expects me to wait a month for him then that's out of the question because in all honesty- I do not know who I am going to be in a month.

Yes, life is just that inconstant (and we all know I friggen definitely am) and if you're too unaware and dumb to realize it, then I really feel sorry for you and congratulations for being in the dumb majority that will never even have just a slightest clue of consciousness to the real world that I and other kindred spirits have been able to see and discover- the true world that has the capability to transcend you to another dimension of thought and existence- the domain that has the ability to really save you when you've plummeted straight into the dark place.

This is the source of my unwavering and unrelenting (no matter how much I fight it at times) light. Yeah, but you people who refuse to see outside of the small box are the ones I tend to loathe and be perturbed by on a daily basis. Yeah, no one likes to be hated, you'll say you don't care- but deep down everyone needs to just shut the fuck up because homies be serious, everything in life is personal and really, everybody cares. Don't take everything so personally? Wait, what? Hello? Life is personal- it's yours and just yours alone. You only get one and you're really going to waste it drifting and passing through life rather than actually living it up and taking in all the feelings this realm has to offer? But then again- you might just end up like me. So basically you can't win. Nobody wins.

So, I've basically lost my train of thought, but as you can see I'm playing with a bit of word association right now and just recording everything I am thinking. I have just been typing every thought that is crossing my path waves right now. I actually haven't had a crass entry in a very long time. I used to write these bold and speak my mind entries- but I suppose my empathy got in the way. Feels nice to be a little mean once in a while. (thought my friends would never think I wasn't ever a bitch? Haha go figure- island of multifaceted complexity)

But wow, I am chock full of honesty and very revealing of my inner core today. Quite astonished. I've confessed a lot of inner demons in this entry, but given my continuous capricious attitude, I'm really okay with it. So I suppose, go me? haha.

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping;
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together;
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

- Khalil Gibran

Uncharted

Today has been such a great and bright day. And the mood is still going strong. (: smiles all around suckers.

Guess who?- Uncharted

No words, my tears won't make any room for more.
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before.
This is, no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted.

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town.
And I,
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me.
Now, too much to hold,
Everybody wants has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under this ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling.

I'm going down.
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go.
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas,
So don't ask me how to get started,
it's all uncharted.

Oh,

Each day, countin' up the minutes,
Till I get alone.
'Cause I can't stay,
In the middle of it all.
It's nobody's fault, but I'm,
So alone,
Never knew how much I didn't know.
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like.

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around.
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas,
So don't ask me how,
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no,
Waiting for the road to be laid.
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out.

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere.

Messenger

When we both find one another one day, promise me that we'll never let us become broken like my parents and that we will really love each other.

Perspective

I never thought that I would be so glad to be back home. Listening to the easy sound of Sara Bareilles tonight in the soothing car ride home under an all too mischievous and grinning Cheshire Cat moon tonight. She is another artist of whom I never get sick and tired of hearing. Her stuff has also helped me through some tough times. I love absolutely ALL of her music- I really do. (come on, it's easy- the piano and use of strings homies), I think as I grow older I am becoming more and more girly/feminine. But oddly enough, I really do not seem to mind. Excuse my all too elementary speech at the moment, I couldn't wait to get back and hop on my trusty laptop of which I have come to be attached to, but as of right now I am way to tired to even think or communicate anything precisely. My mind is not so sharp right now so my words may stumble a bit. But I will say one thing.

It's crazy how just a few days can change everything- but even just a few moments (seconds/minutes/hours/etc.) can spin your whole life around. Well at least your whole present life at that crack in time. But of course we all knew that since this happens all the time to we the human race; yet, every time it happens we all manage to be blown off course and astonished/bewildered at the same time that any of this could ever happen.

Oh, so that thing I left hanging right before Vegas that I posted about- I've shut it away in a drawer and have decided to just think about it and deal with it some other time. I don't want to right now.

It's also crazy how just a few days away from a place so familiar can give you perspective- so damn much perspective. It's as if you're coming back slightly more refreshed (even if you are completely drained and tired when you walk through the door) in place of being actually slightly burnt out from life's daily routines. You're also able to appreciate things you often take for granted more. Like for me, my huge love and appreciation to actually be home. You never really appreciate home until you've been away for a while. But I am a true homebody either way- I love staying in. (although most of the time I never get a chance to really do so, so whenever I do- I really take joy in relishing the leisure time. You know there's something off when your weekends tend to be more exhausting than your weekdays)

So here's what I've come up with.
I really need to start improving my karma. I want to be a better person to those of whom I really love and care for. They just take so much of my emotional roller coaster of nothing but highs and lows and so I need to and should treat them better. I mean even though they know how appreciative I am for they being there for me- they really shouldn't have to put up with so much craziness from one consistently inconsistent person.
I realized that I need to control my temper. Sometimes I behave in a way that I completely loathe and wish wasn't me. I have this ability to really be mean and really hurt people when I want to. That is not a good quality to possess. I love one part of me, but the other part is completely insufferable. I seriously do not know how people put up with me.
But now that I know that, today was/is day 1 of being a better person. Not saying anything unless I have something nice to say- this only (hey, I'm still going to have opinions, just maybe not so expression in my objections with others) pertains to when people speak and rub me the wrong way because usually I have the urge/need/impulse to argue and pick fights which ends in angry and hurtful words. And once you've said something, it's out there and you can never take it back. But all the other stuff has a green light because I really don't care about things anyway and it's all for fun when things don't matter- talking about stupid petty shit. (It's weird how I really don't care about anything; yet, when it comes to the things I do care about- It's with immense concern and zeal. But eh, that's just who I am and I rather like that about myself)
Today was day 1 of me trying to practice what I preach. Everyone's a hypocrite. Shut up, everyone is. I happen to be a major one and thus I am trying to be better. I really need to control my temper, especially when it comes to my parents, and I really need to not say everything that is on my mind just to prove a point because that often causes many rifts. And again, once you've said something, you definitely cannot ever take it back. I need to learn how to just let things be- I need to be more tolerant and able to not take things so personally, I need to let things go. I used to say, "Why shouldn't it be personal?" because if life isn't most of the time, then what is the point of everything? But I guess there should be a balance of what you choose to let affect you or else you just end up like me all guilt stricken and haunted.
I am actually sort of proud of myself though. I managed to just keep quiet as my dad lectured me about something today that I obviously thought was pointless. Obviously I did not want to hear its redundancy. But a couple days ago, in my mind, I vowed to try not to take things so personally with both of my parents (they are way too overtly critical- my friends even say that after seeing them) and be more like my brother in that area. Nothing ever seems to phase him and he somehow has this great ability to tune my parents out when it comes to nonessential and incessant chatter- this is called a sort of white noise my friends. So a couple days ago, I told myself that I would try to work on accomplishing that goal. No, I told myself that I need to gain that trait and have it down on lock.
So basically, I am going, no, I have already begun to really work at being more tolerant of people and controlling my temper when it comes to stupidity. Yet, I am going to stop letting things really affect me. I am going to stop living with my heart and start living with my brain and mind. So here's to finally working on some of those resolution! Now if I could just figure out how not to get so hungover every time I drink then everything would be all good.
Oh! And a while ago I wrote about being so over and done with all that sulking and wallowing emotional dark and twisty stuff (you know, my 8 and aboves that make me want to end life- yeah not so good). So just an update- I am still doing pretty well and trying to keep it going strong. I still sometimes feel a bit morose at times and want to cry, but that's normal and bound to happen from time to time- but the point is that over all of that still remains the warm and fuzzy comfort of that same light feeling (so reassuring). For all you daft losers, this means that I am still good and not in the dark place. So that's pretty tight and a good thing I might add. I'm really trying to stick to this emotional ambition goal. (The entry Brand New Airiness; Capriciousness Indeed) I'm trying to get my mojo back haha (LOL yeah, I said it)- you know, my confidence of 3 months past. I guess that guy I last went out on a date with really did me one over and sucked some confidence away from me- but that's over and done with- in the past. There's no time or necessity for that now. Now that was a fucking blast of fun and nonchalance- everything was so easy and great. So here's to that and dominance lovers.

"Oh The Phone

.. you know it never stops. It's the last thing I hear at night, and the first thing in the morning. And as I let it start to burn my head, you slowly creep into bed, and I'm done with all the talking. You say you know how I'm feeling, I just need to try and settle down."

For years, as much as I listen to Paolo Nutini, I can never get sick of him. He holds a special space in my heart for his music has helped me through some really rough/hard times. And I love his raspy voice, when I usually don't like those types. And he's a cute Scottish mix! Lol you would've never guessed given his voice and name. Gotta love them accents. No but for real, love his stuff. I love the intros, lyrics, and slow beat/unconditional/romanticist sound to Million Faces and Last Request, both using different instruments- guitar, violins respectively. (he toys with so many other different instruments too- horns, percussion, bass, etc.) My two most favorite songs from him. <3 Will update with videos and lyrics after I get back. I love listening to his slowness late at night. It really calms me down. And I often need that to soothe my issue of the inability to sustain peaceful and easy sleep. Haha I think that's why I make pillow forts around me in bed at night to help me feel safer.

L.A.- Another Artist Favorite

Har har, blogging from Vegas. Tight. (: I think this may be an addiction.
I can't explain why, but I love the stuff by Lily Allen. Her beats are different- Euro-electro/bit of ska/plus many different other sounds/genres. She's not afraid to experiment with different sounds; you'll understand if you've listened to her stuff, lots of diverse sounds that differ from one another completely, but it creates a fun album for all moods- maybe that was the point? Anyway, I also really really enjoy the way she tells a story in her music with simple yet clever lyrics, though at times awkward and quirky themes, but it hits fantastic relevancy and sentiment with some heart and seriousness all the same. Her lyrics are very refreshing; I think that's why I've taken such a liking to her- not to mention her courage to show her experimentation with sounds. She definitely has paved her own style and you can tell she is still not done playing too. Haha and it doesn't hurt that she's English. (; (I love English culture and secretly want to marry a cute brown eyed/haired English boy who can sing- here's to hoping)

Couple songs on replay- though I love almost every song she's performed.
1. Littlest Things*
2. Knock Em Out
3. LDN
4. Everything's Just Wonderful
5. Friday Night
5. Alfie
6. Naive* (The Kooks cover- you all know how much I love them)
7. Absolutely Nothing* (check out the intro drum progression)
8. Everyone's At It
9. The Fear*
10. Who'd Have Known*
11. Cheryl Tweedy
12. Mr. Blue Sky (ELO cover of coz (: )
The astericked ones are the one's I love for personal reasons- lol obviously.

Verisimilitude

Decisions must be made.
I'm being level headed and pragmatic. I'm not being judgmental about any of this, but I am being honest. I would rather choose to mature and be calm and logical about this. I would rather keep moving forward than remain terribly stagnant or continue reverting/catapulting myself back into the/a position of the past. This might seem as or come off like an overreaction, an over-analyzation, or even an over-dramaticism; yet, these perceptions are not quick judgments, rather they have been formulating and accumulating for quite some time now. I just didn't want to believe it though, maybe I was lying to myself as I so often do, but I wanted to believe in the triumph of faith and goodness over expecting the worst. But I need to be smart now.

I'm sorry. I completely and utterly overestimated you. I overcompensated with too much benefit of the doubt and all too much credibility in the person I thought you had become- only because I believe(d) so much in your potential and possible greatness in the world. Not to mention, your sincerity about the complete validity of this great transformation did nothing to curb this inference. (who were you trying to convince? me? or yourself?) Thus, I openly decided that I could put my faith in you and our friendship, seeing as how far I thought you had come from the horrible person you used to be. I learned to count on you again, I let myself rely on you, taking my courage from the words that you swore were far from fallacious. I put full faith into the notion that this time around it would be a good and different friendship and that you'd really be there. I thought I saw a person who had grown so much and indeed you have, but not as much as I had thought or more so had wished for you. I do give you credit because you have improved vastly, but I realize that you're still quite the same person as before- just with a small tweak. You're beginning to let yourself become the former. I guess old habits die hard. Slowly but surely as I so often innately try to read people, I saw and see you slowly reverting back to your old ways- the ways I despised- regardless if you can let yourself consciously really realize it and try to understand it yourself. I know I made and make things difficult, I know that. You really didn't deserve that, nobody does. You deserved a new chance, but I wasn't ready. Time lied to me. Eventually I gave it to you, but maybe too late because all the damage had already been done. Once something is ruined, it's already tainted and no matter how hard one tries, it will never be the pure goodness that it initially was- at least what was thought it all had initially been. It's our humanity's lot in life to fool ourselves time and time again.

I wanted to believe you were a better person inwardly as you appeared outwardly, but I guess it's going to take more time. I know this isn't fair to you at all.

Actually, knowing you and how indifferent you are towards everything and also to how insignificant I am to you, this probably won't phase you at all or make a difference. This won't give you any perspective or make you want to be better. But to change you isn't my intention. If you love someone, you accept everything about them. We've been friends for a while, or actually I have been your friend for years. And yeah, I do accept you for who you are and all of it, but as tough as it is for me, I can't and choose not to be a part of it.

Thinking about everything that has happened. I still remember some very lucid details and images of the past that are really hard to shake. Can you? Do you remember everything? Unfortunately I do, as I scam back into time and it just, it's just too much. I don't know. I need more time, you need more time to grow and find out who you are. And I don't think who you are now suffices or compensates for my insecurities you've spurned. It's easy to forgive a person, but more difficult to forget things that happened. And my problem is that I forgive too easily and give an infinite amount of chances on the spoken promise of genuine sincerity.

I let you back in way too quickly. But that's my fault, I too openly give my trust away, when forgiving a person, with only my faith in them to serve as insurance. A couple weeks, you pushed your way back into my life way too quickly. To be honest, it was startling and really scary for me. I had built up this wall of protection from you, and within a matter of a week and a half, it was already heavily crumbling into dishevel. But I honestly believe you had changed. You appeared so different, but then it all stopped.

And I tried to push you away time and time again, but this kind of pushing away doesn't work when you don't want to do what's good for you. And you're so unreadable and calm about everything as if absolutely nothing phases you because if you're fed up, you throw your hands up, ignore it and don't deal with it. Easy solution to a problem that isn't yours. The thing is, you're not dumb. You're smart, that's what kills me, but you don't try to understand the mechanisms behind the source of the frustrations and picked fights. I've let my guard down leaving me too vulnerable, I need you to be there. I need consistency from you. I realize that you need to be an inconstant, but a friendship is supposed to go both ways right? If you're going to choose to be in my life, be there. I can't figure you out.

But, I can't stand by and watch this disintegrate further and further, whether it be in reality or in my mind, until eventually I'm the one who gets the short end of the stick again. I can already see it happening slowly but surely. When it comes to us, no matter what, you always come out on top- because you have to and because in all honesty, number 1 on your list is only and always going to be you. I realized, that all it will ever be. I meant it that one night when I said that on your list, you're always number 1 while I'm not even on the list. It's always going to be like that isn't it? And I need to stop lying to myself that it's different. I need to stop idealizing a friendship that isn't there and realize that there's nothing 'best friend', as you had propositioned so firmly, about this. I don't know if it's possible for you to be any different and that's hard for me to even type out smoothly because of how much I want to believe you.

I can't be strung along anymore. And I can't keep trying to explain it to you with little details while making you think I'm just getting more and more fucked up with these fights I cause. Little things they may be, but it's the little things that often stack up into big things that matter. The little things create appreciation.

I do understand that some of this is none other than my own undoing. Some actions and decisions made were entirely those of my own and I take full responsibility of my own inflictions. I probably made things worse, but this is not all me and you will not do the guy thing and turn everything around so the girl is the one to blame for the emotional wreckage and storm just because that's easier to do than actually allow yourself to feel something out of your control. But either way, I probably did the number I always do on people, which is push them so far and so heavily as to scare them away for good. Pretty good strategy.

I can only fully care about someone I choose to let in, or not at all. You know I have high expectations. The people I consider close friends, I love wholeheartedly and keep them close to me. And you make things far too difficult to keep you in the gray area. I understand your need to constantly be moving and impermanent, but as I told you, you can't do that with me. You can't disappear on me. You can't keep choosing to come back whenever you please because it suits your convenience. You can't keep coming back after I've worked so hard to rebuild what you broke. Either be there, or don't. It's not a difficult principle and concept to grasp.

This isn't an entry about pointing fingers or who's to blame. This is just pure and simple what you see is what you get conclusions. Calm and collected thought recorded on to systematic memoir. I just wish you'd really talk to me and let me in. You don't say a word.

After the last full blown fight I caused, towards the end, I accepted you for you and realized all this. I made up my mind to that I couldn't need you so much. I made up my mind to try and not rely on you so much, to try and detach myself away from you and from the friendship I thought we had created. I slowly tried to take away all expectation and responsibility from you and just to take you for what you are, but how can you truly be someone's friend, let alone 'best friend'- hey it was a really nice month- for the matter? Expectations are investments. Everything no matter how small always gets in the way of everything.

I made myself into a fool, again, actually an even bigger one than I could have possibly imagined possible these past few months, by succumbing and letting you back in; I let my guard down like I had never done before despite my greatest fears. The end result was far more detrimental than I could have ever envisioned. And I will be kicking myself in the ass for a very long time about this starting now until I can let you completely go. Why is it that I never seem to learn my lesson about not letting my guard down anymore? Why is it that I never learn not to believe in the best of people?

I can't make anymore mistakes; I can't afford to. I keep disappearing time and time again and I don't know what else to do.

Hmm

Okay, I might, but I really shouldn't. But I'll just think about it after I get back from Vegas (for work not play losers). Cheers lovers.

Do Or Dont?

Remember how I mentioned that I bought my first pack, in a really long time, of Marlboros last week? Well, I miss cigarettes. No, I mean I really miss cigarettes. I actually think I might need them. Which is really bad because since last month I've added loads of caffeine (tons of coffee and red bull every single day) to my daily routine. Not to mention my liver and kidneys are already dunzo and in overload from having to break down the Wellbutrin XL that absolutely is not working at all. Boo.

I feel really reckless right now. Like I could do some real damage (of any sort) some time soon. That really scares me because this shouldn't be so. Too much anxiety and fluctuating hormones and moods that are making me want to smash everything and cry at the same time. It's getting more and more difficult not to pick fights for no reason. It's getting more and more difficult to tolerate stupidity from those around me. It's getting more and more difficult not to snap at my mother at every single dementia'd action and thought she produces that just annoys me to no ends which I really wish didn't. (I'm sorry, I love you) It's getting more difficult to tolerate my father. (I'm really sorry, I love you) It's getting more and more difficult to tolerate this mundane life and everything in it that moves, breathes, and thinks.

Yet, It's getting ridiculously easier and easier to cry, did I mention that yet? Yeah, this is bullshit. I don't do outward emotions. Remember when I was literally and physically incapable of producing these salty teardrop gems? Yeah, I remember too. I don't know what's worse, not being able to cry when you really want to for some cathartic undoing and relief, or being on the verge of tears at every possible moment of the day because everything single thing apparently has become a goddamn trigger. This shit is killing me.

Though I am really really really (that's three so that means serious business) worried my body health. It's not very strong. In fact, it's quite weak. Yet, I don't think I am going to be a non-smoker any longer. But then again I don't think I ever really was completely since I still had the occasional intoxicated smoke. Though I really want one right now, I'll resist for tonight. It's Chinese New Year. But I plan on buying a pack tomorrow.

By the by, so too much of friends are beginning to discover this blog of mine and it's kind of making me self-conscious now. I don't like the thought of them finding out and knowing that I have these weaknesses and insecurities and how extremely crazy I really am. I don't like to reveal this side of me to anyone that I actually have emotions and feelings- that I'm not completely a jerk and insensitive. I don't want them to know just how fragile I really am when usually I am always the strong one and fucking always dominate in life. You can tell just how multifaceted I really am and too complicated to be figured out. Confession: I'm actually really a bit shy at heart.

So, it's getting harder to now express my erratic thoughts since the courage and bravery anonymity gives me slowly dissipating. Things I want to record, I have now started to consciously scribble down in my mini notepad reserved for my awful poetry. Like my inspiration that hit me this morning. But most of my friends/peers/aquaintances seem to be accepting me for who I am, which is pretty tight. But you still can't help but wonder what they're really thinking. (trust and abandoment issues here, remember?) But then again, why should it matter right? And plus, they most likely are not following this on a weekly basis, so that's pretty tight.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I also intend on dyeing my hair again tonight. Can you tell I'm getting restless and in need of another change?

A Month Of R&B

Did I mention just how much I really love r&b? It stems from my love of jazz/blues- since music genres precede and influence one another as they develop into different and other sounds. And currently I have been stuck on playing this genre for a while, but I don't mind because it is super great.

But yeah, it was this kind of morning- this song, this mood. I even got struck with inspiration that I had to write down this morning right quick in my mini notebook for fear of losing it. Pretty sweet huh?

I'm going to break it down, it's been a while since I've dedicated an entry to the individual and separate parts that make up an effusive and sensational song. And not to mention, it's pretty on point in relation to my present sentiments. The affair with this song is more important than the break down, which is why I am breaking it down int he first place. This is actually a different version, Leona Lewis has one with just herself, but I like this one better (though I really love her music, it's very sad and strong as well as relatable and familiar with both sound and lyrics- but that's why I like it. She has a certain sound to her, as most good artists do. Most of her music is very compelling to show off her insane vocal range. She works with volume- first soft then she builds up the music until it hits a climax to communicate full intensity and influence. It's the kind of music you can really feel and can embarassingly almost tear up to if you're in the zone lol)- it has more hidden beats if you just listen closely; very closely lovers. The lyrics could use a little work though haha. I mean the lyrics are good but it gets a little redundant at times as if they didn't know what else would work so they just stuck with what they knew was already safe and good- the already preexisting words of course.


It starts out with your typical rnb sound- but with a twist; it has a hint of violin sounds. You know I love my string instruments. (pretty awesome that artists are starting to branch out to/experiment/play with other instruments) And the hitting bass is all too present and ever-present within the entire song and that just makes this song that much more amazing because who doesn't like harm hitting song that they can bump with their entire heart and soul right?
There are so many different sounds going on in this song whether it is in the background or the dominant sound.

Justin Garner actually sounds a bit like Usher (haha Ursher)- and that guy [Ursher] has talent, so anything related or resembling is tight. While this beginning is going on- the violin sounds are playing and then a sort of scintillating sound like crystals shimmering is added to the background very subtlely- thank you synthesizers right? Haha. But wait, while those sounds are going on, there is another added bonus- piano chords- a bit reminiscent of Etta James. I know right? How they manage to put all these different elements together to get it to sound so put-together-well-tastic, so simple yet so complicated but easy to listen to, and not produce something that is just a mess of hard hearing noise is beyond me. If you listen closely, you can actually hear each individual element. (But then again, this is what makes you love a song right? I speak this deeply about every song that gets to me)

But then again, my brain is just the type where I have the capability and ability to separate things that are collectively whole and pinpoint everything while explaining very elaborate. I blame it on my perfectionist/too observant personality- at times a major flaw for me. But I guess you could probably tell. I remember even in a university English class, we got to work with music and choose 2 songs to break down and explain with semiotics. Can you say friggen awesome? I loved doing that- I choose Kanye's Bittersweet and Sublime's Pool Shark. Awesomeeee. Yeah, I don't know how the brain works- but I love this part of myself. I really do. I guess it's from my passionate side where I just can't seem to not see life through some sort of riveting vividry. Oh my god, I'm getting lost in my own thoughts, back to the focus.

So the voices in this song collide (first with solely Justin and then Leona graces the song with her amazing voice- she gets it right every damn time; seriously, girl can sing) with each other at different paces and on different, yet perfectly timed tempo-ed beats. It's almost as if you can just see a whole bunch of strings just falling into one another crashing like ocean waves simultaneously but also randomly; yet it somehow manages to just all work. It's actually kind of beautiful.

And then it gets to my favorite part when it quickens up slightly and all the different sounds come together. Another background beat is added to the mix. It's an electro kind of sound- I've kind of gotten over the electro/synth sounds that everyone is getting so into now- but occasionally when you hear a sick beat, come on, it's pretty sickkkk haha, in a good way.
This happens at about 1:50, when the tempo changes a little- you know the thing that songs do to make things interesting. It does a sort of hip hop record scratching slow down and then it comes back to contrast with a quickened electro beat faster than the previous synthesizer beat. But, not before a literal breath of fresh air- or more so sign/exhale of Leona's voice to bring it back to the essential motivation and direction of the song. But just imagine this part as hearing miniscule laser beams that are penetrating horizontally as if flying through the sky and it's light air ambience. It's not a murky and cloudy sky, but it's sort of a really light feeling- which is pretty cool given that the context of this song is still a sad one.

And then just for a brief moment, another third voice comes into play, it sort of sounds like Rihanna, but I really don't know who it is. But it is an interesting surprise that adds another diverse dynamic to the melody and harmony/accordance of voices. And all the while Leona is still singing and continuously hitting every single high note without ever wavering (haha of course not right, seeing as it's produced to be perfect, but we all have heard songs produced that should have been worked on longer) and having her moment.

And then it ends with the intro of a quick hip hop bass beat as Justin comes back with his voice to add ending closure to the bridge so that everything is completely pulled together. This song seems to cover all the bases as to not leave any inconsistencies or missed underlying factors up in the air.

Yeeah pretty good song right? But then again everyone's tastes are different, so if you don't like it- fuck you, this is my blog so deal haha.
Haha do you think I'm going a little too overboard with this semiotics and analyzation break down crap? Think so? But people break down things like this all the time right? I know it can't be just me who thinks like this. Whatever, this was fun. Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did writing it. Cheers. (;

Brief Update- One Down Sucka

Yeah, absolutely not interested in you, at all. Mind made up. And I knew that from the very first real conversation we had. Cool to be friends with, but that's it. Andddd I made that clear to you; yeah you guessed it, put the friend brakes on you if you didn't already notice. (you know, the shit girls do to let you know that you're just in friend territory) You're a bit annoying at times- but at least I'll get to meet even more new people. (you invited me to an event tomorrow night, but I don't think I'm going to go because I kind of really don't want to homie) Tight.

The other one: you're pretty sweet and very chivalrous. You're a gentleman. But I'm still indifferent, so we'll see.

None of this is even important to me (at all) to even fun-format with the words. I wonder why I'm even speaking of these instances in my blog since I really don't care about this shit lol. That is all.

Demo > Official?

I wanted to break down and call you,
but something always gets in the way.
I heard you've been asking about me,
And it made me smile,
Brightened up my day.
Playing it over and over,
And I can't get you off of my mind,
Maybe we're wrong, maybe we're right.

Why do we say things we can't take back,
And why do we miss what we never had.
Both of us fell to the ground,
And love was so lost, it couldn't be found.
What would it take to forget whose blamed,
I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name.
Why don't we turn this around,
Love ain't the enemy,
Oh I want to be lost and found.
Lost and found, lost and found.
Love ain't the enemy,
We could be lost and found.

You're the first thing on my mind when I wake up,
You entered up and out of my dreams.
The more that I try to forget you,
It's like trying hard, not to even breathe.
Baby listen, love is craziness.
And make it like it used to be,
And we just say, that we're sorry.

Hey.

Why do we say things we can't take back,
And why do we miss what we never had.
Both of us fell to the ground,
And love was so lost, it couldn't be found.
What would it take to forget whose blamed,
I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name.
Why don't we turn this around,
Love ain't the enemy,
Oh I want to be lost and found.

The words come flowing out,
You try and stop the rain.
You wish you could take it back,
But it's too late, is it too late.

Why do we say things we can't take back,
And why do we miss what we never had.
Both of us fell to the ground,
And love was so lost, it couldn't be found.
What would it take to forget whose blamed,
I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name.
Why don't we turn this around,
Love ain't the enemy,
Oh I want to be lost and found.
Lost and found, lost and found,
Love ain't the enemy,
Oh I want to be lost and found.

The words come pouring out,
You try and stop the rain,
You wish you could take it back,
But it's too late, but it's too late.
Love ain't the enemy,
We could be lost and found.