I need to do some serious self-improvement. I've realized that I have turned into someone I don't like. I need to stop letting guys treat me like shit. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. Does it have something to do with these deep rooted daddy issues that I have always had? Do we need to consult some psychoanalytical Freudian standpoint? Let's leave out all the technicalities and just stop thinking. I just need to start doing as I used to.
I turned into this ugly person without even realizing it; whilst the entire time thinking I had everything under control and thus making a greater fool out of myself. Alcohol is an ugly demon. I need to get my life under control again. I need to not get myself into trouble. I need to not be so impulsive and think more about the consequences rather than not caring. Or even so, rather than pretending not to care. Repression really doesn't work forever. I need to stop allowing myself to put myself in these awful situations. As hard as it is to finally admit, (I say this with a whisper) I need to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. I need to be better. I need to not do things I will regret later. I need to practice all of the things I believe and believed in. I didn't know it, but I lost myself along the way of all this feigned nonchalance. I need to get back to my original ideals that I held so importantly to my core.
I need to revert back to not living with any regrets (meaning, thinking wisely before I make a decision so that I may be able to live with myself afterwards).
I need to keep moving forward, while keeping my principles and ideals still intact, without ever going back. (this is my life credo, but recently I seemed to have stopped applying it; thus leading me into inevitable awfulness which I can't stand to think about)
I need to stop caring what other people think and how they perceive me. Because they really don't matter at all and have any value within the spectrum of my being. I need to remember this.
I need to treat myself better more mentally and emotionally.
I need to try harder.
I need to love myself. The sad part is, I want to say "I need to love myself more", but I don't know if I even really love myself.
God I wish I wasn't so fucked up. When does this messed up shit even begin? At what age does the damage start to unconsciously invade to create everlasting ruining? I feel like I'm fucking borderline sometimes.
I always say I am going to try. I keep saying that. I am sick of failing.
I am sick of failing at life.
I want to break the cycle; I need to break the cycle.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Forget You*
Seriously, I love this song so much more now. And I believe this version is so much better. Having a pretty good Wednesday. Starting the morning off with this jam put a smile on my face and helped tons. I absolutely love Gwyneth Paltrow to begin with and she was amazing in last night's episode of Glee. (Yes I watch glee, suck it) Planning on going out tonight then spending a fambam filled Thanksgiving Thursday, Friday, and weekend. Cheers lovers.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sanctuary
I want to disappear. I want to hide out in my room and just hermit for a really long time. I want to because I know it will help me. Too bad obligations make it so I can't.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Untitled
And it doesn't help that you just texted me back saying you don't know what to say. You never do.
I told you, maybe it was all in my head, and if it was then sorry. But that these words are my two cents.
I just told you that I can't do this anymore. That this was so stupid because we've always just been friends and it's already so messed up. That I'm tired of waiting for you. And that I love you and probably always will, but I need to love myself more. And if you don't know how you feel about me now, then I can't do this to myself again if you won't be there when I always am.
I'm sure I just chased you away for good. (Maybe that was my subconscious intention? Let's not get all psychological right now) But at least I said what I needed to say.
Just deleted all prior items.
I told you, maybe it was all in my head, and if it was then sorry. But that these words are my two cents.
I just told you that I can't do this anymore. That this was so stupid because we've always just been friends and it's already so messed up. That I'm tired of waiting for you. And that I love you and probably always will, but I need to love myself more. And if you don't know how you feel about me now, then I can't do this to myself again if you won't be there when I always am.
I'm sure I just chased you away for good. (Maybe that was my subconscious intention? Let's not get all psychological right now) But at least I said what I needed to say.
Just deleted all prior items.
Turbulence Part Duex
I just deleted you from my entire address book. Again. SIM phonebook as well. Again. Crying over you, yet again! At least this time, not drunk and hysterically while proclaiming my ridiculous love for you. (Oh yes, it happened. In Vegas of course)
How did I let this happen again? How did I let you back into my life, stephen? How did I manage to let my feelings creep back into my chest after I was so completely over you and ready to start a new. What made me think that I could do this again completely feeling free? I was doing so damn well.
How the hell am I actually crying right now? When I am usually incapable of relieving any sort of sadness from me.
I said I wasn't going to let this happen again. I said I wasn't going to let you hurt me again. And then you go and do what you do. And then we do this whole push and pull dance that we always do. When I try you pull away, when you start trying I pull away. Because we're almost the same person. And what gets me the most is that we are and have always just been purely platonic. Yet our relationship is so chaotic and catatonic that I don't even understand it. It's so damn hard for us. For me. All of the time. Why is that? I want to know.
Why do I always have to be the one to fall first and have the courage to do something about it?
Why can't you ever tell me the truth?
You told me in Vegas that you didn't know how you felt about me.
Then when I finally let you back in my life, when I reiterate what you told me, you told me that that wasn't true. What you said I mean. What the hell? This is so confusing and complicated.
My practiced life philosophy is to always move forward, thus making it so I am never able to go back. Never being able to go back because I am incapable of it. It makes me sick even just thinking about it because I don't like being in the same place twice and I don't like dwelling on my past indiscretions that I would often like to forget. So if this is what I always do, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally or unconsciously, why is it that I am really unable to do that with you, stephen? (All lower case on purpose)
How is it that I am unable to move forward without you and better yet, how am I able to go backwards with you? How am I capable, physically and mentally, of being thrown back into the past?
I even knew this was going to happen. I felt it. I felt the emotion creeping back starting from my limbs and end up in the warmth of my chest. I just hoped I could repress and ignore it long enough for it to go away.
I kept meaning to talk to you. You even visited me at work this past week. I have even been trying, well as much as I could. How could I believe and try to proposition that we could just forget about everything and start fresh? Old habits die hard I suppose.
I called you today. I wanted to call you at 10 right when I woke up, but I didn't for fear it would be too early. So I went back to bed and called you later when I woke up. You picked up, but your phone, as it always does, dropped the call. Even our phones aren't in sync. We have the worse phone communication ever.
I tried calling you back, twice. Didn't work. I texted you a small joke about our phones hating each other and to call me back. And then my reliable brain starting to brood again.
I blame this completely hormonally imbalanced and emotional week. I have been up and down all week and having my period is what probably made it so insane.
I texted you again, something like, I don't know why this is so hard, I don't know whether to push or pull away.
And then after a bit, after arriving to a conclusion, that I couldn't do this anymore. That I just can't do this again. That I can't get hurt by you again, even though I just did. But the hurt was probably my own doing to myself than from him. But more so that I cannot allow myself to do it all over again. I realized this past week that I am now back to square 1. After all this time and progress. And all to do it all over again.
So I texted you a final text, "stephen I can't don't think I can do this anymore".
Letting you go is the hardest thing by far for my present life. 4 years of history. Only to arrive to this terrible conclusion. How could a relationship, a mere platonic friendship at that, be so complicated and difficult for us?
We're like the same person. We can't get close to each other 'cause we're scared to get close to and let anyone in on that level. We came to the mutual decision, albeit not at the same time, to just leave it at that. Well for you, you said that you just accepted how we are and that you'd always be there for me. For me, I know I have to let you go. I love you, but I need to love myself more.
I have been ready for the longest time for you. But you can never seem to catch up.
And there's also the issue and great fear that this could all just be in my head and that I am making something out of nothing.
I guess we'll never know.
This is me, letting you go, again. Trying to let you go, again.
How did I let this happen again? How did I let you back into my life, stephen? How did I manage to let my feelings creep back into my chest after I was so completely over you and ready to start a new. What made me think that I could do this again completely feeling free? I was doing so damn well.
How the hell am I actually crying right now? When I am usually incapable of relieving any sort of sadness from me.
I said I wasn't going to let this happen again. I said I wasn't going to let you hurt me again. And then you go and do what you do. And then we do this whole push and pull dance that we always do. When I try you pull away, when you start trying I pull away. Because we're almost the same person. And what gets me the most is that we are and have always just been purely platonic. Yet our relationship is so chaotic and catatonic that I don't even understand it. It's so damn hard for us. For me. All of the time. Why is that? I want to know.
Why do I always have to be the one to fall first and have the courage to do something about it?
Why can't you ever tell me the truth?
You told me in Vegas that you didn't know how you felt about me.
Then when I finally let you back in my life, when I reiterate what you told me, you told me that that wasn't true. What you said I mean. What the hell? This is so confusing and complicated.
My practiced life philosophy is to always move forward, thus making it so I am never able to go back. Never being able to go back because I am incapable of it. It makes me sick even just thinking about it because I don't like being in the same place twice and I don't like dwelling on my past indiscretions that I would often like to forget. So if this is what I always do, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally or unconsciously, why is it that I am really unable to do that with you, stephen? (All lower case on purpose)
How is it that I am unable to move forward without you and better yet, how am I able to go backwards with you? How am I capable, physically and mentally, of being thrown back into the past?
I even knew this was going to happen. I felt it. I felt the emotion creeping back starting from my limbs and end up in the warmth of my chest. I just hoped I could repress and ignore it long enough for it to go away.
I kept meaning to talk to you. You even visited me at work this past week. I have even been trying, well as much as I could. How could I believe and try to proposition that we could just forget about everything and start fresh? Old habits die hard I suppose.
I called you today. I wanted to call you at 10 right when I woke up, but I didn't for fear it would be too early. So I went back to bed and called you later when I woke up. You picked up, but your phone, as it always does, dropped the call. Even our phones aren't in sync. We have the worse phone communication ever.
I tried calling you back, twice. Didn't work. I texted you a small joke about our phones hating each other and to call me back. And then my reliable brain starting to brood again.
I blame this completely hormonally imbalanced and emotional week. I have been up and down all week and having my period is what probably made it so insane.
I texted you again, something like, I don't know why this is so hard, I don't know whether to push or pull away.
And then after a bit, after arriving to a conclusion, that I couldn't do this anymore. That I just can't do this again. That I can't get hurt by you again, even though I just did. But the hurt was probably my own doing to myself than from him. But more so that I cannot allow myself to do it all over again. I realized this past week that I am now back to square 1. After all this time and progress. And all to do it all over again.
So I texted you a final text, "stephen I can't don't think I can do this anymore".
Letting you go is the hardest thing by far for my present life. 4 years of history. Only to arrive to this terrible conclusion. How could a relationship, a mere platonic friendship at that, be so complicated and difficult for us?
We're like the same person. We can't get close to each other 'cause we're scared to get close to and let anyone in on that level. We came to the mutual decision, albeit not at the same time, to just leave it at that. Well for you, you said that you just accepted how we are and that you'd always be there for me. For me, I know I have to let you go. I love you, but I need to love myself more.
I have been ready for the longest time for you. But you can never seem to catch up.
And there's also the issue and great fear that this could all just be in my head and that I am making something out of nothing.
I guess we'll never know.
This is me, letting you go, again. Trying to let you go, again.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Do It All Again
You can be damn well sure that I definitely will be going out tonight and dancing away my worries and troubles. I swear it has become some sort of ritual now every Friday. I love it.
Resurfacing Loss Of Breath
Today is the first day that I let it get to me in a long time. An accidentally reminiscing over pictures last night spiraled me into this downfall. There was the one 3 years ago. I know, I know. Seems to be a lot of guys right? And it gets confusing. So we'll break it down in chronological order. These are the only ones worth mentioning. First love, the one, stephen, and fling (fling was the one I had trouble with in the beginning of this blog). These are the ones who have made a bruise among other things on me. I have never spoken about a "the one" before. There has been "this one" but never a "the one". So here goes.
I am finally talking about "the one" in this blog. And after this I probably will never speak about him again. I am actually surprised at myself for never mentioning him. But, I thought I was over him. And I really can't figure out why it still aches when I really let myself think of him. It completely expunges all the slight hurt from everyone else. Even stephen. I know right? Completely absurd.
He is the one who has hurt me the most.
This is the one I hurt stephen with. I use the past and present tense interchangeably because apparently I still am affected by it. And this is the one that I kept thinking of and wanted to be with even when I was hanging out with stephen at the same time. (By the By, just to clarify, me and stephen are and have always been just friends. We have never kissed or done anything. We have always been platonic and still are. Which only makes everything else more complicate right?)
He was and is the one that stuck. I guess it's because it ended really badly and never had retribution and real closure like all the others. The one who could never understand because his narrowmindedness couldn't look past my age and life experience. Leading him to not take me seriously and make everything I said have no merit whatsoever.
And yet, he showed me everything I was missing in emotions. Or at least so I thought. Without realizing it, what you most want is not what is necessary good for you. Even now I can't even find the right words to describe what it exactly is that I want to say. He confused me and led me on and at the same time I wanted him more than anything.
Damn, I can't believe I let it get to me last night.
It just sucks. He ruined me and yet I still think about him occasionally when my eyes flicker across a mutual relationship. I was young and he was so "perfect". So completely intellectual and people smart at the same time. So unafraid of anything and entirely adequate at protecting me. Yet, too "smart" for self-evaluation (some might coin the term: superiority complex) So stupid. I was a freaking idiot. Why are we such masochists? It must be some kind of addiction. Hah, oh wait, I am a self-proclaimed masochist for pain anyway. So it makes sense. Bottom line: I fell so in love. And I just unconsciously watched as I completely unraveled and lost myself while becoming wholeheartedly unaware of my self esteem that was slowly evaporating. And I was nothing to him. I'm always nothing.
I am finally talking about "the one" in this blog. And after this I probably will never speak about him again. I am actually surprised at myself for never mentioning him. But, I thought I was over him. And I really can't figure out why it still aches when I really let myself think of him. It completely expunges all the slight hurt from everyone else. Even stephen. I know right? Completely absurd.
He is the one who has hurt me the most.
This is the one I hurt stephen with. I use the past and present tense interchangeably because apparently I still am affected by it. And this is the one that I kept thinking of and wanted to be with even when I was hanging out with stephen at the same time. (By the By, just to clarify, me and stephen are and have always been just friends. We have never kissed or done anything. We have always been platonic and still are. Which only makes everything else more complicate right?)
He was and is the one that stuck. I guess it's because it ended really badly and never had retribution and real closure like all the others. The one who could never understand because his narrowmindedness couldn't look past my age and life experience. Leading him to not take me seriously and make everything I said have no merit whatsoever.
And yet, he showed me everything I was missing in emotions. Or at least so I thought. Without realizing it, what you most want is not what is necessary good for you. Even now I can't even find the right words to describe what it exactly is that I want to say. He confused me and led me on and at the same time I wanted him more than anything.
Damn, I can't believe I let it get to me last night.
It just sucks. He ruined me and yet I still think about him occasionally when my eyes flicker across a mutual relationship. I was young and he was so "perfect". So completely intellectual and people smart at the same time. So unafraid of anything and entirely adequate at protecting me. Yet, too "smart" for self-evaluation (some might coin the term: superiority complex) So stupid. I was a freaking idiot. Why are we such masochists? It must be some kind of addiction. Hah, oh wait, I am a self-proclaimed masochist for pain anyway. So it makes sense. Bottom line: I fell so in love. And I just unconsciously watched as I completely unraveled and lost myself while becoming wholeheartedly unaware of my self esteem that was slowly evaporating. And I was nothing to him. I'm always nothing.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Scream
Argh I'm going crazy here! I am so glad to be taking the 300mg tomorrow. I just feel all this pent up frustration when all I want is for things to just be simple and chill. Ugh I need some music to calm me down right now. Play.
Monday, November 15, 2010
4 Days Hence
So tomorrow morning I will be taking the 300mg of Wellbutrin XL after the first 4 days on 150mg.
I hadn't felt any difference at all when I started taking it. (I haven't had any of the side effects that I had when on Lexapro, and believe me it did give me side effects. I also haven't had any side effects at all on Wellbutrin XL; also, when drinking alcohol there is no difference and I am perfectly fine. So that is a major plus since I am still young and constantly surrounded by alcohol) Until last night yesterday when I started to feel slightly jittery with my pupils feeling all crazy as if I were slightly cracked out but just without the worse effects of hard drugs. I still feel slightly jittery sometimes with tired eyelids, but overall I am okay.
I am kind of astonished at how well my body is reacting to this drug seeing as how my body is pretty sensitive to things. (But it's just okay; no more, no less) I just hope tomorrow I don't get super crazy from the dose increase. So we shall see. It'll take however long it takes to fully kick in. I still feel normal, well what was normal for me but actually abnormal if you look at the big picture. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am still sad whenever I think of certain things. Sometimes I still feel like tearing up if i watch or hear something that touches me. Sometimes I am still agitated like I was today, but it may be from PMS since I should be starting my period soon within the week. But that's how it has been before. I'm still trying to figure out what I feel. About everything. I've been feeling more normal and the pain isn't so deep probably a 5.5-6 rather than the normal 8 or 7, but I wish it would work faster.
I hadn't felt any difference at all when I started taking it. (I haven't had any of the side effects that I had when on Lexapro, and believe me it did give me side effects. I also haven't had any side effects at all on Wellbutrin XL; also, when drinking alcohol there is no difference and I am perfectly fine. So that is a major plus since I am still young and constantly surrounded by alcohol) Until last night yesterday when I started to feel slightly jittery with my pupils feeling all crazy as if I were slightly cracked out but just without the worse effects of hard drugs. I still feel slightly jittery sometimes with tired eyelids, but overall I am okay.
I am kind of astonished at how well my body is reacting to this drug seeing as how my body is pretty sensitive to things. (But it's just okay; no more, no less) I just hope tomorrow I don't get super crazy from the dose increase. So we shall see. It'll take however long it takes to fully kick in. I still feel normal, well what was normal for me but actually abnormal if you look at the big picture. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am still sad whenever I think of certain things. Sometimes I still feel like tearing up if i watch or hear something that touches me. Sometimes I am still agitated like I was today, but it may be from PMS since I should be starting my period soon within the week. But that's how it has been before. I'm still trying to figure out what I feel. About everything. I've been feeling more normal and the pain isn't so deep probably a 5.5-6 rather than the normal 8 or 7, but I wish it would work faster.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Fucking Emotional Wreck Rollercoasters And Triggers
All I have to say is, I am so glad to be starting the Wellbutrin XL tomorrow morning.
Addicted To Ink
So last week I got a semi-small piece done as an addition to the already existing tattoos on my hip. Yesterday I got the tattoo that I have been waiting for on my back. It's a fairly big piece considering the surface area of my back being fairly small. I absolutely love it. It's a complete culmination of my life at this point and the more to come. It is also a symbolic representation of who I am as a person. Sailors used to get these to ensure a safe journey home or to mark a milestone. (A poignant reference to my 'stormy waters'- said by one of my good friends, love it.) It's for protection to keep me safe wherever I go and for whenever I figure out what I'm looking for in my consistently inconsistent life. By the way it also has a small quote from Shakespeare. Gotta love it. Even though my back feels sore and is stinging, I am so completely content and ecstatic about this because it was completely worth it. Also, I will be taking the Wellbutrin XL tomorrow morning for the first time. So we'll see how that pans out. Happy Thursday. Cheers lovers.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Small Tuesday
I haven't really felt like updating lately. I guess you can tell from the lack of posts. Well it's kind of been up and down. I'm just trying to figure out how I feel. I took Lexapro for 3 days then stopped because I wanted to be responsible for the weekend since it would involve massive amounts of alcohol. Much to my surprise, the intoxication did not seem to effect me one bit. (Don't worry, I took it slow the first day I did not take Lexapro to gauge my intake level) Maybe because I do drink every week and my body became slightly desensitized? or had a bigger advantage when getting used to all the chemicals. Who knows.
Anyway I noticed a change in my body since last night. I seriously feel like I'm pregnant. I've been just wanting to eat everything and I really do feel like I am PMSing. So like always, I did some research. Turns out Lexapro makes you gain weight. And I thought it was completely shocking because, well I have only been only it for not even an entire week and already I can feel it taking a toll on my body with the excess of bloating and water weight. My breasts feel huge. Haha sorry for the vulgarity, but it's the honest truth and it's rather comical.
So weight gain is not part of the plan seeing as I have worked so hard this year to lose weight and get back down to my original size. Which I have succeeded at if I may congratulate and say so myself. (Go me! Haha)
So I called my doctor with my necessary complaints and asked him to prescribe me Wellbutrin XL instead. (Did I mention I have been researching about anti-depressants for months now? Just to be on the safe side of course) So we shall see what happens with that after I take it.
By the by**
I just wanted to say, thank you for all the support and love for those few who have managed to take time our of their busy days to comment. I really appreciate it and it means a lot.
Anyway I noticed a change in my body since last night. I seriously feel like I'm pregnant. I've been just wanting to eat everything and I really do feel like I am PMSing. So like always, I did some research. Turns out Lexapro makes you gain weight. And I thought it was completely shocking because, well I have only been only it for not even an entire week and already I can feel it taking a toll on my body with the excess of bloating and water weight. My breasts feel huge. Haha sorry for the vulgarity, but it's the honest truth and it's rather comical.
So weight gain is not part of the plan seeing as I have worked so hard this year to lose weight and get back down to my original size. Which I have succeeded at if I may congratulate and say so myself. (Go me! Haha)
So I called my doctor with my necessary complaints and asked him to prescribe me Wellbutrin XL instead. (Did I mention I have been researching about anti-depressants for months now? Just to be on the safe side of course) So we shall see what happens with that after I take it.
By the by**
I just wanted to say, thank you for all the support and love for those few who have managed to take time our of their busy days to comment. I really appreciate it and it means a lot.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Cure
Waking up to The Cure made this morning out to be a great start to a new day. (: (Guess what? I woke up smiling this morning AND I wanted to get out of bed.)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"This Is The First Day Of My Life"
This is day 1.
I actually went to go see my physician today. I am at work, but will update this entry when I get some free time.
Update*** 4:01pm
So indeed I began my day with a trip to my family physician to get some answers and yes my main agenda was for anti-depressants. Lo and behold, I do exhibit many many symptoms, if not all of them, of depression. I spoke to my doctor about things, seriously the whole time scared out of my mind to reveal such a private matter. And my physician is absolutely wonderful and completely relatable. (Hence our familial loyalty to him) He said that depression is very common, but almost one of the hardest things to treat. Especially with Asians and their nature to think that life is supposed to be tough and sad and that one is just supposed to deal. He also said that it is indeed not normal to be sad all the time. He related possibilities of what causes depression and it really being a chemical imbalance and the possibility of a thyroid problem that highly affects an imbalance. Also that it could be hereditary as well. Thank god, finally some answers.
And get this, I actually teared up. You know, in the way that I can only tear up from emotion when speaking serious about a very private subject that never gets spoken or only if I am really angry/frustrated. 'Cause unfortunately, I can only tear up or cry (and if ever, it is really only tears and never complete bawling; I don't know, I am just unable to cry) when I am really angry and frustrated about a situation or when confronting an issue. Sucks. I can't help it, the tears just come. I hate how I feel so weak whenever they come. They come when I least ask for it and never come when I do want them.
Anyway, he gave me a 4 week sample of Lexapro. Believe me, I have never heard of this one before and I have done my research given my condition that has gone on for years and years. He said it was this new brand that is supposed to have the least side effects. Which in my case is definitely very good, seeing as my body does not receive drugs well. Yeah body on the weak side since birth. (Could it have been the heart murmur? or the other complications; who knows?)
So then he drew some blood for some tests, which I am worried about seeing as I know I have no been healthy at all. So I am just a little frightened of what might be found.
I took the Lexapro once I got back to work. Then I got some tacos because tacos always make everything better.
A little while after digestion, I don't know what it was, but I started to feel sick. I mean I had already felt a bit woozy probably from the blood drawn, but yeah I still felt a bit nauseated. And then I felt drowsy. The doctor had warned me that could happen. He told me if I took it and felt drowsy, then it was best to take it at night. And then he said if I took it and I couldn't sleep at night, then it was best to take it in the morning.
So looks like I'll have to take it at night, but honestly I feel that this is the best bet because I will finally have sound sleep rather than my usual unable to sleep well ordeal. (I usually have such a hard time falling alseep and staying asleep for the entire night)
And so it began with the nausea and then the nausea mixed with drowsiness. And then the drowsiness with starting to feel better, and now I actually feel quite well. I mean, still a bit woozy, but I figured I am tired too because I could not for the life of me get any sleep at all last night. (Went to be at 12am lied restless until 2am and then tried harder) But I do a lot better now in contrast to the slight nausea earlier. (Sweeet!)
But I don't know if it's a placebo effect or what not, but I do feel slightly better emotionally, or at least I did. I just suddenly got a sharp jolt of sunken sadness in my chest. (But I do feel slightly lighter and not as sunken) But the doctor did say that every body is different and so the medication will work accordingly. (Said some patients had it immediately in 2 weeks and then others it took 3 months or so to feel better)
And if I had known it would be that easy, I probably would've done it a long time ago. Gotta love that stubborness and inability to show any sort of weakness trait.
So, I guess we shall see where this leads me.
Oh! And by the by, I am scheduled to get my tattoos tomorrow! Hopefully everything will go as swimmingly as planned and I will get both. But I would be happy getting the one on my back first. I seriously cannot wait!
Cheers with love.
I actually went to go see my physician today. I am at work, but will update this entry when I get some free time.
Update*** 4:01pm
So indeed I began my day with a trip to my family physician to get some answers and yes my main agenda was for anti-depressants. Lo and behold, I do exhibit many many symptoms, if not all of them, of depression. I spoke to my doctor about things, seriously the whole time scared out of my mind to reveal such a private matter. And my physician is absolutely wonderful and completely relatable. (Hence our familial loyalty to him) He said that depression is very common, but almost one of the hardest things to treat. Especially with Asians and their nature to think that life is supposed to be tough and sad and that one is just supposed to deal. He also said that it is indeed not normal to be sad all the time. He related possibilities of what causes depression and it really being a chemical imbalance and the possibility of a thyroid problem that highly affects an imbalance. Also that it could be hereditary as well. Thank god, finally some answers.
And get this, I actually teared up. You know, in the way that I can only tear up from emotion when speaking serious about a very private subject that never gets spoken or only if I am really angry/frustrated. 'Cause unfortunately, I can only tear up or cry (and if ever, it is really only tears and never complete bawling; I don't know, I am just unable to cry) when I am really angry and frustrated about a situation or when confronting an issue. Sucks. I can't help it, the tears just come. I hate how I feel so weak whenever they come. They come when I least ask for it and never come when I do want them.
Anyway, he gave me a 4 week sample of Lexapro. Believe me, I have never heard of this one before and I have done my research given my condition that has gone on for years and years. He said it was this new brand that is supposed to have the least side effects. Which in my case is definitely very good, seeing as my body does not receive drugs well. Yeah body on the weak side since birth. (Could it have been the heart murmur? or the other complications; who knows?)
So then he drew some blood for some tests, which I am worried about seeing as I know I have no been healthy at all. So I am just a little frightened of what might be found.
I took the Lexapro once I got back to work. Then I got some tacos because tacos always make everything better.
A little while after digestion, I don't know what it was, but I started to feel sick. I mean I had already felt a bit woozy probably from the blood drawn, but yeah I still felt a bit nauseated. And then I felt drowsy. The doctor had warned me that could happen. He told me if I took it and felt drowsy, then it was best to take it at night. And then he said if I took it and I couldn't sleep at night, then it was best to take it in the morning.
So looks like I'll have to take it at night, but honestly I feel that this is the best bet because I will finally have sound sleep rather than my usual unable to sleep well ordeal. (I usually have such a hard time falling alseep and staying asleep for the entire night)
And so it began with the nausea and then the nausea mixed with drowsiness. And then the drowsiness with starting to feel better, and now I actually feel quite well. I mean, still a bit woozy, but I figured I am tired too because I could not for the life of me get any sleep at all last night. (Went to be at 12am lied restless until 2am and then tried harder) But I do a lot better now in contrast to the slight nausea earlier. (Sweeet!)
But I don't know if it's a placebo effect or what not, but I do feel slightly better emotionally, or at least I did. I just suddenly got a sharp jolt of sunken sadness in my chest. (But I do feel slightly lighter and not as sunken) But the doctor did say that every body is different and so the medication will work accordingly. (Said some patients had it immediately in 2 weeks and then others it took 3 months or so to feel better)
And if I had known it would be that easy, I probably would've done it a long time ago. Gotta love that stubborness and inability to show any sort of weakness trait.
So, I guess we shall see where this leads me.
Oh! And by the by, I am scheduled to get my tattoos tomorrow! Hopefully everything will go as swimmingly as planned and I will get both. But I would be happy getting the one on my back first. I seriously cannot wait!
Cheers with love.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Mean Reds Monday
Gahhh why do I feel like such shit emotionally! (Watch how I try to repress my emotions by unintentionally covering it up with humor) This weekend was absolutely fantastic; and yet, I feel like such an unstable wreck right now and seriously feel like crying uncontrollably. Everything I see today is making me feel like breaking out in sobs. And I really do mean everything. Ugh, my entire body hurts. I really wish I had the ability to have just cry it out when I feel like it all the time. It seems like my tear ducts are only spoken for great sappy movies. Can you say seriously and completely handicapped. It's a bit tragic. The only thing saving me right now are my books and music.
And honestly, sometimes I feel so stupid and that I am really just making a big deal out of nothing. You know, just being all drama. But what do you do if your entire body physically radiates pain in waves. I can hardly breathe my chest hurts so much. I just want to be a robot.
And honestly, sometimes I feel so stupid and that I am really just making a big deal out of nothing. You know, just being all drama. But what do you do if your entire body physically radiates pain in waves. I can hardly breathe my chest hurts so much. I just want to be a robot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
