.

Cut, Suture, Burn. Fuck I need to stop, but I can't. And I just wake up the next day having it worse than ever. And feeling dumber than ever. How can I keep doing this to myself? A waste. I'm such a waste.

Over And Over, Again

Every time I think I've run far from it, it's still always there. It's always there creeping underneath the surface, just waiting. Waiting for me to slip, because I most likely will. It feeds on my anxiety and insecurities. No matter what I do, I'm still never healed, though I so much want to be. I wish every night to have all my pain (inexplicable albeit) that I carry (with no understanding why) to be taken away, so I don't have to feel like this anymore. But still, it's always there. Like a dormant creature just waiting because he knows I'll always manage to somehow relapse. He's just waiting to see how great my discipline is because all it takes is a small sliver, and I'm done all over again.

It's the moments I live. Every moment is a test. And every moment is a moment waiting for time to pass so I can reach that rare moment of relief- of not feeling like everything is caving in on me. I don't know what to do. Every moment it seems like I am gauging my emotions and trying to keep them under control, under this facade I've created.

I've become a self-made, full-fledged, liar. I'm a fake; a fraud. Every moment is an ongoing battle with myself. I wish I weren't so complicated. I wish I weren't so fucking psychotic.

I wish I weren't so fucking stupid.

Every moment is a moment of me trying to repress the ringing and redundant words in my head screaming, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?".

I don't know how to feel anymore and I don't know how to be anymore but this thing I've seemed to have evolved into. This thing who overcompensates when around people and this thing who is a utterly complete recluse when not around people.

And even reading my mediocre and such rudimentary writing structure is pissing me off right now because I fear I've become the degenerate I've always loathed. My intellect has dwindled and what little skill or talent I had has disappeared. But that's not the point.

The point is, I hate the person I have become. I hate the person I am. And nothing I say or do will ever be good enough.

I'm losing myself.
I'm losing.

What Else Is New

Empty. Nothing.

Bad

It must've been really bad this time. So bad that it couldn't wait, so bad that it didn't matter what hour it was. So bad to have been woken up by non-hushed tones. So bad that i immediately felt a horrible tone and vibe radiating throughout the house. So bad, that I know what they're feeling must be worse.

6 a.m.

Woke up to my parents arguing. Got woken up by arguing. They went out of town on business this weekend. Actually, it's not even arguing this time. It's just my mother lecturing my father because he obviously did something wrong. And he's just taking it because he knows he screwed up. This is even worse than a heated discussion; it's absolute succumbed and realized defeat. Which makes things the saddest cause of the condescending. Family and business should never come together. I'm glad I got out. But I still need to get completely away from this, I can feel the chains continue to pull me down. This never becomes easy at any age, I feel like a small child again, every time. Maybe I still am. At any age, hearing your parents argue is never comforting and always still unsettling.

My

My whole body hurts.

Can't Help

It. Feeling dead, nothing inside. Nothing but a huge void, a huge void of yearning- to feel something real again.

I'm

I'm ready to say bye, to you, and to everything familiar. Ready to let go.

Please

Make it all stop. This chaos I have ensuing in my entire body, in my chest and my head, so much that I can't breathe right. It just all hurts, why? This is all so ridiculous. And I can't even cry because my body physically just refuses to produce any sense of relief anymore. I just want to bleed, but even that doesn't even give me a thrill anymore. All I feel is numb when I do it. I don't feel anything and yet I feel everything. It's just a sharp pain in my battered heart that just won't go away. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my insides are all scraped raw so much that the blood just keeps flowing, but there's nothing left anymore. I have nothing left, I am nothing left.

Oh, She May Be Weary..

I feel so dead inside.

8.5

Ugh, from the inside out, my entire body hurts.

One More Time

Cut, suture, close.

Tired

I'm so tired of trying and caring so hard everyday with and for every extension of me- going above and beyond to meet every high expectation of me. I'm so tired of "this" life. So tired of thinking, feeling, caring; so tired of being crazy, paranoid, and emotional. I'm not doing it anymore, any of it. I'm done. It's just going to be "my" life from now on until my light gets back to burning gem-like hard, my protective bubble encasing. Anything else is just too exhausting. I need to get rid of all the metaphorical excess dead weight in my life. I need to retreat, to repair rather than continue my pattern of skilled ruin.

Official, Off-This-All, Off-It-All

I'm so done with this. What was I thinking? I guess it's just because I hate giving up. Sigh, whatever. I gave it my all. I'm tired of all these circles and never getting anywhere. The reality has already presented itself and I just need to decide and commit- yeah, the one thing I'm horrible at. But I'm so over all of this and fully moving forward with everything else going on in my life at present. I need to, I won't survive if I don't. I don't need to be dealing with any residual nor excess dead weight. I'm done with this, done with you. I shouldn't have to try any harder than I already do to stay in your life. It's clear that you have not much to say to me. It's clear that it's all beyond repair. So I'm just calling it what it is. I'm trying to maintain and preserve a friendship that doesn't exist anymore. I tried, and you didn't reciprocate the same way. I get it. If you want to talk to me, that's fine (thought I'm banking on that you won't), but I won't actively try to seek you out and be a friend anymore. I'm trying to keep whatever friendship we have left, I'm trying. But I can't do it alone, and I won't anymore. Because there's really nothing left.
And I'm tired.

I Get It

It wasn't that you didn't want anyone. You just didn't want me. So over this, I need to drop you like a bad habit and stop going back on my word, constantly changing my mind. There's no hope and I need to drill that into my brain. My heart is fucking everything up. I keep trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you and why am I so stuck? I'm not full of myself, but I'm pretty fucking awesome, everyone sees that, but you don't see. And everyone we know, our bunch of mutual friends, tells me what a sketchy person you are, which is why you say you have no friends. But it's like I refuse to believe or accept the reality of it all, everything in front of my face that points to what a shady guy you are. But I still wanted you. Why am I stuck? Do I really like you or is it just my inner nurturer and want to help black sheep coming through? Was it because of the sex? How can someone like me want you? Is it just because I can't have you? But it all doesn't matter anyway.

Love Of Mine

One of my all time favorite songs.

Tension

I've come to realize that I don't handle tensioned situations well. Every time something gets too high strung or the air becomes filled with too much tension, I freak out.I freak out become my body picks up on energy levels and vibes, my empathy ratings go through the roof. The tension gets to great and then I become more than just flustered. I get flustered easily, a little it okay, but when there is a ton of impact in a room, that's too much. My body goes into a fight or flight mode and then I just react horribly with the sole internal intention of protecting myself. Some kind of major self-preservation metaphorical firmware storage I have. My body begins to feel completely attacked and I can't handle it. Triggers begin to form left and right. And therefore, I counter with some sort of heightened reaction to internally combat and maintain control the energy frequency of my own cells. But it all just transmits so badly to outside observers.

But it's just me. I can't deal with with tension filled ambiances pertaining to me, so I end up overreacting just to prevent the walls from further suffocating me. But this is just who I am. I've come to accept all of my flaws, physical and psyche related. I believe in constantly evolving, but I've come to accept the things I cannot change. Because there are certain things that are so deeply rooted in our DNA make up, so completely preexisting even before birth, that you will never be able to change. So rather than live in denial, you've got to accept them, or they will destroy you completely.

Leveling Out

They need to make an antidepressant that doesn't make you gain weight. Preferably a good SSRI. I've lost all the weight I gained on the bupropion and amitriptyline since I've been off meds. Without even trying, the weight just slowly slipped back off. Which is good, but I need something, I need to find the right something for me, I can't keep staying in a controlled limbo.

Inside Inside

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside. I turned off my phone last night- trying to use physical evasive tactics to prolong the inevitable wrath of uncontrollable and sensitive stupidity. I just want to hide from the world. And I can't seem to give it up. Every time I think I'm good and done with it, I pick up the blade again. I need some relief, it's not enough anymore. It's not so much as severe anymore like the high 8's and 9's I used to get daily where I couldn't get out of bed, but now it's always just a simmering numb sting- always present underneath my skin, letting me know that it's still there and will never really be gone no matter how much progress I've made to lift myself out. The risk of major relapse forever exists and it'll never disappear. Now it's just something I've come to accept. But I don't care anymore, I need to not care furthermore about everything in general. If only I could stop being so goddamn emotional and cease the reaching out chain reaction action.
And I can't even fall asleep because my body and mind won't let me. I need this moment to pass already. Up and downs, they never end, it's a nonstop cycle, though I wish it weren't. I wish I could be normal and not psychotic and not do instinctive stupid shit, all the damn time just to purposely ruin everything. The only thing I can commit to is ruining everything and making messes with vigor. I need to just be a different person and not me anymore. I want to get out of my own head and body. I'm trapped. But at least I'm slightly numb, even if there is the constant waiting simmering, I just need to become entirely numb. I'm waiting for the residual sting of it all to completely die off and pass so I may become entirely numb. It's coming along slowly but surely, Rome wasn't built in a day. It's harder to take steps forward than it is to take steps back. But I don't know if it can actually really happen given the fact that I feel to much for life. How can I reach my goal of becoming completely heartless when everything my body represents is real and heart? I don't want to feel anymore, I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Only, Over My Dead Body

This

At this point, I find it impossible for anyone I meet and become involved with to ever do this or think my scars as beautiful. But I think this is what is most important to me, when it comes to love. It takes a lot to reveal everything and be open about your life history with another, every time I've done so thus far, I've gotten hurt and it backfired. Making me regret ever sharing my story, making me want to cover up and hide further more. This picture makes me want to cry, but in a good way. This is what I want most out of life. Everyone is always so afraid of them, so afraid period. You want to impress me? One word: bravery. Show me you're made of something tougher, 'cause I'm not sure I have it in me to do it all by myself anymore.

Ugh, I hate myself. Can't keep doing this.

I feel like I'm one strand away from completely crumbling again. My entire body is screaming at me to detach. It's all such bullshit.

Stir, Stir

I'm scared. Right now I'm okay, it hits me more so now and again, but overall, I'm okay. Yet, I know that it's just stirring underneath, sleeping, waiting for the right moment to come and and shatter my life again, make me not want to, unable to, get out of bed again. I can only hope for the best.

New News

Been super busy lately which is AWESOME. I'm so busy that it doesn't give me time to be the horrible depressed wretch and 'simp' that I completely am. I've always loved being busy, even if it does take a lot of energy out of me. But that's never bad either because then I can fall asleep easier seeing as usually I can never fall asleep. As I am thrown suddenly into a new city (LA), rather than my 30 miles from LA, being in a new environment is definitely helping me to jump start and heal quicker. Which is good and which I need; I thrive on change and new environments. I needed to just get away from my past and begin a new life. I love it.

Step 1: New job- CHECK
Step 2: Get out of this fucking city- HALF CHECK

I don't know how to let myself be close to someone. I'm so used to only bad things happening to me and bad luck, and bad timing, that something feels wrong if nothing is wrong. It scares the shit out of me because I'm always afraid that happiness will get taken away from me, because it always does. In my case, nothing lasts. And I start freaking out 'cause I don't know what to do. So I always end up purposely fucking everything up, ruining things and making messes- disasters, just to have a reason to push them away and gain automatic distance. So I won't feel as bad when they do finally realize how horrible I am and do end up hating me, I suppose.

Didn't

I didn't cut tonight, when I've done so almost every day of the week, almost every week. So I guess that is done sort of progress.

More

I look at my mother. And I wish I could just give her so much more. I don't know how she does it, day after day. I wish I could just take away all her pain and loneliness she ignores. I wish I could supply her with an endless amount of joy and happiness, as well as my dad. Are these the lives we are inevitably bound to lead and live? Everything hurts so much. They deserve so much more than this mediocre lonely and loveless life. I wish I really could just put them in my pocket and keep them from any harm and hurt whatsoever for all the days of their lives. I don't know how they do it every day. The loneliness already kills me, it's unbearable.

All Time Fav

I remember watching this in the 90's. Fucking love it and probably will always love it. Got all seasons on my hard drive. <3

March 1st

It's self injury awareness day. Hence, both of my blogs being completely orange today. I don't have any orange clothes though though. But the nail polish on my toes is a reddish orange kind of sunburst color, if that counts. They couldn't have picked a better color for self injury awareness? Makes no sense at all, but have at it.

Side note**
Did you know consuming bananas has a sort of same effect as Prozac? Because they contain a natural chemical, which is found in Prozac. Cool huh.

Scream

I fucking hate this. It's like my body was asleep, but my brain and consciousness was wide awake. Wtf? The worst when the only mind relief turns on you. I feel like fucking screaming. I just want to sleep, and that fucking just became uselessly defective. I feel like a fucking broken machine.

I

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what else to do. I can't cry because I'm all dried up, yet again. It's like my eyes are dry again. Not being able to cry is worse. I need, something. I just don't know what. I feel so dead and hurt inside. My internals are all screwed up. I just want to cut and cut, but I can't do that because everyone notices now. I just want to scrap up my insides raw. At least there are still some spots I can cover. I just can't keep on breathing anymore. I feel so defective. So stupid. So useless. I've become such a terrible person. I hate myself. I ruin everything. I don't know anything anymore. I feel so trapped. So trapped within my own mind and body. If my eyes are dried up, at least something else can still run fluidly. I just want to bleed.

House

the vocals. <3

Tumble, Tumblr

So I've been on my tumblr a lot more than blogger lately. (Yet, I'm more new to tumblr than blogger, I'm still a huge noob on tumblr) I know, I know, such sacrilege in the writer's formalist perspective. But to be honest, I haven't really had much to say about anything lately. I've just been empty. And I process things better when I can see them in my mind. I take in things with imagery, part of writing is all about somewhat painting a mental picture. And sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words when you have no motivation to speak yourself. At this point, I've become so open with myself and my issues that I have nothing to hide anymore- almost to the point of losing my anonymity. So here it is.

http://andillseeyouthere.tumblr.com/

And if you're really bored, go check it out. It's an array of eclectic things and it's what my insides, my heart, looks like.

Highlights

1. Still cannot run on my foot ‘cause of my gimp toe. So the only cardio I can do is bicycling. Not as active enough, but I can’t NOT go to the gym for at least a couple times a week or else I’ll go crazy. But at least I can still do light strength training/weights since that part of my work out is more stationary. I’m addicted to the natural endorphin increase, I need it.

2. Chopped off all of my hair again and it’s so short. But I LOVE it. I love challenging myself and testing the limits with physical outward surface appearance, no fear. <3 I’m a friggen chameleon, yo.

3. Found a tiny new freckle on the bottom of my right foot arch. So that was a cute lovely moment. (:

4. I still suck at life. The end. But you can either cry or laugh about it and everything, and I’d rather laugh, it’s way easier for me.

(8 Cheers lovers.

"Everything is true. Nothing is permitted."

"You just told me I ain't shit, I guess I'm proving it right now."

I swear this shit is as fun as it looks.

Sharpening

I just sharpened. Found a place where no one will see or ever know.


Sidenote** 9:10pp.m.
Damn, I should've sharpened way before this. It's so much more fun. Now I know why razors are more preferred. More funzies.

Get Off It

Okay, when I think about the short couple months we've actually hung out and gotten to know one another- the pseudo-sparkle period, hurt and pain are turning into anger. Which is a good thing. It's easier to hate someone and be angry than realize how naive you were. I trust too easily and I need to learn to be less naive. It's easier to stay angry at someone because the fury helps numb the part where you're hurting and missing. I just want to knock some sense into you, shake the shit out of you. I'm angry at myself for letting it happen to me, over and over again. But I'm not sorry that I live my life and take risks. You can't gain great rewards unless you're willing to actively take big risks. I'm not sorry that I'm the opposite of boring. I'm not sorry that I instinctively and innately never play it safe. It's utterly unfathomable how another human being can turn out somebody else's light, killing it, diminishing it slowly, until there's nothing left but a small glimmer of what was. But the fury will soon turn into a numbing loathsome nonchalance, which is the best part. And that's what I'm waiting for because when you're no longer irate or emotional, that's when you no longer really care.

I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin.

Fuck Off

Don’t fucking talk to me anymore. Realize you're the fucked up and shady one, you're not the damn victim. I’m done and so over with this shit, with your shit. My friends were right to tell me that you don't deserve my kindness nor generosity.

It's just skin.

Monsters

I think I really need to start working on improving my karma. T=
I've turned in to a horrible person.

Slow It Down, Don't

Still Got It

"I'mma need a moment, 'cause moments last forever."

Real Talk

Truth is, I don't know if I feel anything anymore. But I'd rather feel nothing than something. Right now, I don't know about anything anymore. I just know that I'm running, from any familiar associated feelings. I don't want them.

Pun Intended Haaah (:

I don't know why I've never, never, used a razor instead of a knife before. It's never occurred to me to use something easier like a razor. I've always just picked up a knife. And I'm just realizing that my scars might've been less ugly had I used a thin razor blade instead. Hm.

But Sometimes,

“Please don’t say we’re done
When I’m not finished
I could give you so much
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It’s been a while
And you’ve found someone better
But I’ve been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You’d give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren’t near
Near enough for me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I’m sure, I’m sure
You’ve heard if before”

I, The Beat

Need some feel good in my life right now.

Come On, Girl

Start internal healing already. Come on, heal up.

It's not working though, the blood isn't enough this time. I don't know what to do. My heart, everything still hurts. I wish I could just bawl. But it's like I'm defective. God look at me, how fucked up I am. Of course I'm alone. How could anyone really love something as bat shit crazy as me? Who can deal with this shit, who wants to. Nobody. I'm such a screw up.

Twentytwelve Resolutions

I just broke every single one. My eyes are dry again, I don't understand why I can never cry when I really want to. If I could just cry it would make it better, but nothing's coming out no matter what, so here's to the next best thing.

Father Of [Not] Mine

Its obvious and apparent that you think shit of me and that I'm a screw up who won't amount to anything. I meant what I said, you and I, our pseudo-relationship is so fucking done. In case you haven't noticed, you're not supposed to purposely hurt the ones you swear you love. Congratulations for succeeding the title of no good bastard father of my life. Well done you.

Why does everything always hurt?

I'm completely sober and rational. I had one small shot at 11pm and nothing else for the rest of the night. These thoughts are calm conclusions. I'm falling apart. I feel like I could just blow away.

I don't want to love anymore.

Sparkles Extinguished

You fucking hurt me! You broke my heart. I trusted you wholeheartedly and you made me believe I could. I even told you about what happened the last time I trusted someone completely and how it nearly ruined me. And it ended up happening again with you anyway. In a mere matter of a couple of months. Weeks even. I'm hurt and angry. I told you I can't just be your friend, I want more and you don't, so thus we're at different places. Another damn impasse. And even so, none of anything matters anyway. What more do you want from me damnit, what else more do you want me to say? You don't deserve my unconditional kindness, but you have it anyway. You don't get the right to receive any explanations from me. I don't have to explain myself or tell you anything regarding my behaviour. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I am me. And you don't want me. Nothing's changed. Eventually this all will pass because I don't ever intend to want someone who doesn't want me. But this, is the best I can do for now.

Snap

Wow, snap out of this shit. Come on, girl. You're better and stronger than this.

I Got To Get Out Of Here

Un-fucking-believable!!

I just discovered that either my father or my mother went through my fucking drawers in my own room! Out of all my life, I would've never ever fucking thought they would stoop that low. It isn't like I'm fucking shooting up drugs or anything. I think the full culprit could be my dad, which I am fucking irate about. I don't think my mother would ever break a trust like that. But I think they were partners in crime. She probably mentioned seeing it in passing and then he, fucking being the sneaky shady ass bastard that he is, went into my room when I wasn't home one day and took his moment. That is so goddamn fucked up.

You really think I wouldn't notice that you took my knives? Really?

I can't even begin to fathom how he even knew where to look or that I was even in possession. Are you fucking kidding me? I am in utter shock and befuddlement all at the same goddamn time. I can't even comprehend the formulation thought process behind it. The only thing going through my mind is pure rage and the question, "HOW?" How the fuck did they even know, how the fuck did they even cross that fucking line.

How the fuck?

You and I are done. We've never had a father-daughter relationship ever. You've been absent my entire childhood. And now you decide when I'm all grown to start your pseudo-parenting tactics? Fuck you. That was the last straw. You and I, whatever thread we were hanging on to is broken. The trust is gone, my faith in you has vanished. You just crossed the line.
And when I leave, I'm never coming back.

edit**
Okay, just found out it wasn't my mother. Then it must've been my father. Ugh!! Fuck family. And I know I'll just cool off in an hour, but this is so ridiculous. I just want to be left alone.

Who Am I To Disagree

"Sweet dreams are made of these.."

Nocturne

The times at night are the worst. Why does it feel like I lost something so great, when it wasn't really anything at all? I don't understand why everything has the ability to hurt me. I trust too easily, love too easily, care too easily, compromise too easily, and share too easily. I just can't believe it happened again. I supposed it won't ever change.

Run From Cover

I look around my life, nothing here seems right, these places look the same, I'm waiting from a change
The space between us grows, the thorns that killed rose, still I wait for you. I'll wait until you see who you were meant to be. I'll wait for something real.
It's always darkest before light, there will be pain all through your life, but there's always hope at the end of despair, follow your heart and I'll see you there
The end is nothing new, I different point of view, still I feel it all.
I'll learn to carry on, when everything is gone, I'll learn to live again.
It's always darkest before light, there will be pain all through your life, but there's always hope at the end of despair, follow your heart and I'll see you there
I'm falling apart, I'm at the start, But I can't get back all that I've lost
I'm holding on, the night brings the dawn, I'm still here

The XX

Fucking amazing band, check em out.


I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Self-Preservation, Strong Will

I consider myself to be very strong in a sense that I've pulled myself out time and time again after my depression has gotten so terrible.

But recently I've been waking up, wishing I weren't alive. I pan out my suicide attempts and see which one would work the best. I go through each day, hating everything, and angry at everything. Picking fights, snapping, at the littlest small things because they all trigger my sensitivity. Everything makes me want to cry. I do have ways to pull me out of the dark place, but when I hit a certain point in my regression, I get into the space where nothing works anymore because all interest for literally everything is lost. It's dangerous because for someone who cares about everything, it makes me not care about anything.

My mind takes over and I'm utterly defenseless. I've been fine off of meds for so long, I figured I could handle it. I thought I've been tracking my issues, but I think I was running away and belittling them instead. But I don't like the way the meds make me feel and I don't know what to do. I know I need real professional help because it's getting bad again. There is only so much I can do on my own and at this point I really don't care about myself anymore.

I wish every fiber in my being didn't scream out that I was so completely not normal. That there isn't something physically and internally wrong with my body and mind. That I really didn't need help. It's getting to the point where I'm actually scared that I will really harm myself physically even further than I already have. Realizing thoughts, of me considering that I might actually be a danger and harm to myself, are beginning to frighten me. It's taking all of my will just to get out of bed every morning, all my will not to burst into sensitive tears at any slightest stupid occurrence. I don't know if I'm going to make it. What's worse, I'm beginning not to care again anymore.

Once the cynic pulls me back to my senses, I'm going to feel like such a fool for letting me fall back into the hole. For getting sucked back in to the bell jar. But, this is not a game or a joke. And for now, I feel like I'm already dead.

Robots And Relapse

Everything is beginning to hit me all at once again. And I know this will continue to happen to me for my entire life. I think this was a long time coming now. It wasn't just one thing. It's never just one thing, although if only it were that simple. You wish you could pinpoint it on one target. Though most people already do because compartmentalizing things is the only way we feel in control. The human species is all about maintaining control or doing everything in your power to think you're in control. Human beings do whatever they can to combat the inconsistency the earth reinforces, they do everything in their power to find something to hold on to so they don't blow away when the earth turns. If you're lucky, you're part of the species who stay in the shallow end of the water rather than unhesitatingly leaping into the deep end like us dark ones. It's never just one thing, but it's always one thing that triggers the chain reaction of the storm. But there is no cure, not for me and not for us. We should all be so lucky, but I can't handle this right now. And I'm shutting down.

Suffocating

I'm fucking drowning, I just want to be left alone by everyone and everything. My senses are in overdrive and I'm too unstable right now, I can't breathe. The slightest and smallest thing can set me off into falling apart. Literally hanging by a thread.

Unplugged

I can't seem to get away. Everything won't leave me alone. Leave me alone damnit.

Music is the only thing that can help me now.

I can't do this anymore. I feel like I could just disintegrate at any moment. I'm grasping on to whatever light I can just to stay pieced together.

January

This is how I feel. (thank you gemma correll, if you guys haven't checked out her stuff, you really should. it's amazing!)

All. The. Time.

Even

"I'm getting high, just to fight the lows.. 'cause that's all I know."

Waiting

"The outside world's incontinent
The wall's no longer our fence
Your skin crawls with it, what's eating you?
Flawless for our little one
Do-overs and re-runs
I see the sacrifice the air you breathe

All those things life put you through
Lame excuses, should've knew
It hasn't been enough for you, I'm waiting
Panic is our passing flu
A hall a day without a view
It's not good enough for you, I'm waiting

Find yourself inside again
The outside world seems most distant
Tomorrow the sun will rise again and you will smile
And you will find yourself
And you will find yourself
And you will find yourself again

All those things life put you through
Virtue nearly buried you
Two years without a mere, she's fading
Forgetting her mental health
Losing pieces of herself
Lost in a nursery, he's waiting on the shelf
For her to find herself
For her to find herself
For her to find herself again

The outside world is closing in
The outside world is closing in
The outside world is, it's closing in"

Just One Song, Can Change Your Life

Get ready to get up and just dance to something feel good.


My heart beats like it's on fire,
And everything is alright, as long as I'm inspired
I stitched together my life, from hand me downs
And good advice that finally fit me

In my heart, where my head should be
And light up, the rest of me
'Cause in dreams, they won't fall apart
Through the stops, the starts
When you're life is a work of art

I found, this door to my inside
I flung it open so dreams could rush in,
Like the high tide
I learned that I'm not an island or a fairytale
'Cause in the end I'm not pretending

Because my heart keeps tumbling
And I keep fumbling
My life keeps gunning
And I jump in the ocean

My heart keeps tumbling
my words aren't coming
And I think I'm finally ready

In my heart, where my head should be
And light up, the rest of me
'Cause in dreams, they won't fall apart
Through the stops, the starts
When you're life is a work of art

Somebody Please

Let me know when I can breathe again.

Dashes

Wishes never work, so why keep doing it? I don't believe anymore, in magic, wishes, nor love.

Monologue

“This shouldn’t have worked, for so many reasons. But for a little while, for this excellent moment in time, it did work didn’t it? And I felt human, alive. But you were right, a secret breaks you down, it’s like bile. Dark, corrosive. It’s a long story, and most of it’s unbelievable. But it’s time you knew the truth, now that I have nothing left to lose. When I’m gone, I at least want you to know what I was. I want you to know who you are to me. Nothing else matters. Not anymore.”

Damn, I know right?

Idealism vs. Realism

There comes a time when you have to stop romanticizing about the idea of things and face the harsh reality of tried valid facts.

Most people get caught up in the idea of situations instead of honestly realizing, registering, and understanding the truth of what’s really real with what substance is actually going on. One of the hardest trials in life is just allowing yourself to be who you really are, right then, right now, and right that instant, instead of feigning the idea you’ve created in your mind of how you want to be perceived.

Yes, people have theories about ‘you have to act like who you want to be, to be the person you want to become’, but that’s what acting is- pretending. I don’t necessarily believe we have full control over who we end up becoming psychologically, we only have control over the externally tangible factors in our lives. But your personality traits and characteristics are all of your own primordial and cosmic make up honed through time and environment. Whatever happens just happens.

And yes, there is also a difference between self-improvement and denial. The difference is heightened and continuous tried awareness. (hey but what do I know? haha, I’m just rambling :D ) But I digress and that’s another story for another time.

Anyway, it takes real bravery to just be the quirky, weird person you know you truly are. Everyone is made differently.

But back to the topic at hand. It’s easy to be more in love with the idea of things, than understanding what’s really right in front of your face. Ideas spurn imagination, inspiration, and hope- they’re part of the beautiful things in life. It’s more preferable to want life to be beautiful all the time, but that also causes the mind to run away with ideas. And then that’s where reality and fantasy play in, but again lol, I digress haha.

In life, you have to be more logical and pragmatic. You have to be able to separate the two or else you don’t have a chance in hell of coming out alive the way you want to come out. It’s our lives and up to us for the taking. It’s whether or not we have the courage to rise up to the challenge and actually allow yourself to literally embrace the things we fear the most- with full vulnerability and conviction. To actively allow yourself to feel something and live life for what it really is rather than allow the bubble of self-preserved ideas to shield you from life. To actively participate with not just your mind but through fully committed action as well. The only constant in life is that everything is in fact, inconstant.

It’s easy to get lost in your ideas because they create a protective layer, a cushioned space so you don’t have to actively take any risk.

And it’s easier to passively have an idea than it is to execute an active strategic plan. But life is just as multifaceted and complicated as people are and the wheel never stops turning.

I think I’ve finally realized I may in fact be more of a full fledged realist than the idealist I always thought I was. Life is all about what you do with it. Everything is personal. It’s your own life, so why shouldn’t everything be personal? In this case, realism always wins out.

Knowledge

What you want and what you actually choose to do in the life you live are completely different entities. Everything in life is a series of choices all solely of your own responsibility and free will.

Over It

Done and done.

Need

I don't want to be needy, I don't want to have to need somebody. I don't like what it does to me or who it turns me into. It turns me into a weak and clingy girl. Though it always seems inevitable, I don't want to be her.

No Longer

Steady.

I feel like my heart has been scraped and cut up raw. I can't breathe, and I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't feel so much for life. I didn't want to get out of bed today. All I want to do is crawl up, cry, and cease to exist.

Crumbling

I can't do this. I don't know how.

Split Personality

Crazy how everything can be so fine and then so not fine all at the same time. Overall my mental health has been pretty great though. I've been tracking it carefully after I've decided to stop taking my meds. I have my moments, yet I've never felt so alive and awake this whole time that I've been on meds than I am now, now that I'm not medicated anymore. Granted yes, I'm not numbed anymore and that I am feeling everything just as much as I ever did because I just feel everything tenfold in my life. I like feeling numb, just not in a cloudy not awake state, which is what the meds put me in, I didn't feel like I was awake. But now that I think of it, I've never done so much damage- physically, mentally, emotionally- to myself than I did when I was on anti-depressants. I've been pretty steady off my meds. Of course not stable, but definitely a whole lot better and brighter collectively. I am much more open now, accepting, and okay of who I am. It's just my life and something I'll always have to deal with.

Can't let it get me down. Got to keep moving.

Ugh

I was fine, until I woke up.

Airplanes

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?"

Shutting Down

I feel myself doing that right now. I just need to keep pushing through when all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

Drizzy

She said kiss me like you miss me, f-ck me like you hate me
And when you're f-cking someone else just f-ck her like she aint me
Damn, those words are scary, those words are scary virgin mary
I just tell her to spare me
I was in love 2 years ago and gave the baggage to my ex
It's all for her to carry, bags she deserve to carry
I hate that hoe, I make it so hard just to talk, don't I?
I get on topic don't I? I get it poppin' don't I?
I'll end up stopping won't I? and by the time I end up stopping
You'll be rocking one of the rings that you pointed out while shopping with a
Nigga don't lie
She's losing it right now, cause if I wasn't who I am, she woulda been
Moving in by now
But instead we're moving slow, I guess she's used to it by now
And she gives me all her trust and I'm abusing it right now
But this money coming in is just confusing shit right now
You just told me I ain't shit and I guess I'm proving it right now

I say I'd rather be with you but you are not around
So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down
Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
Half the time we don't end up f-cking, I don't ask her for nothing
You leave me in the morning, I don't see her for months
But I just hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
So she's here and we're both so gone

Hotel to hotel, girl I could use your company
Full name and birthday, I book a flight and you come to me
But she don't want a weekend, she wants all of me or none of me
If she can't work with all of me then she say she done with me
You say that you over me you always end up under me
You know how it goes, don't be crazy, don't play dumb with me
Don't start with yo shit, I put you back in yo place
She tells me "I bet you won't, you won't say that to my face"
And hang up yeah, how dare you tell me it's tougher for you
Like I don't hear about the niggas you f-cking with, too
And whoever I be with, they got nothing on you
That's just something to do when there's nothing to do
Yeah, but she's losing it right now

She has choices she should make I think she's choosing it right now
One more chance to make it right, I think I'm using it right now
You just said I never learn I guess I'm proving it right now

Discover

Great indie band I just came upon. Lovelovelove. This song fills with with lingering goodness from the past. I think they might be one of my new favorite bands.


The snow is falling down
I pull you near
The city sounds fade and disappear
City lights blur behind you ears
Your lips are warm
Even in winter air
Even in winter air

As I hold your hand
We walk familiar streets
Made brand new
Now that you're here with me
I see your eyes
You look so happy now
As the white snow flakes
Land on your dark eyebrows

There is so much I want
I want to say to you
Do you feel alive
When I'm next to you?
Do you think that love
Can exist so soon?
I'm hoping that
You feel the way I do

We walk up the steps
To your house front porch
We say goodbye
Under the midnight sky
I'm leaving you
Looking in your eyes
I see your smile
It says your heart is mine

Your heart is

I think that I might
Be falling for you
I love who you are
And every little thing you do
There's a certain something
When it's me and you
I'm hoping that
You feel the way I do
I do

Only time will tell
If this is something true
If it's a passing stage
Cause everything we have is new
This all seems to good
To good to be true
But I'm glad I get
I get to be with you
With you
I get to be with you

The snow is falling down
I pull you near
The city sounds fade and disappear
City lights blur behind you ears
Your lips are warm
Even in winter air

Heart, Brake

I can't do this. I hate that I've come to actually love you when I didn't know how I felt about you to begin with. And you don't know how you feel about me and our situation. You like me but it's not as much as me and you don't want to lead me on. Your actions don't match your words. You need to dial it back, I need to dial it back. No, I'm not doing this anymore. Why do I love people so easily? Love makes people weak and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm taking my heart off the table completely, what made myself think I could let myself open up again? It just hurts even more every time. I'm so tired of never being the right girl; I'm done.

I feel like crying. I'm such a screw up, can't ever do or get anything right. And all I want to do is cut right now, but I can't because I already have so many damn scars and I 'promised'. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell do I ever think? Why do I have to be like this? So not normal. Disgusted with myself, I feel so trapped inside my own body. I hate being awake.

Nuevo Resolutions

1. Stop smoking
2. Stop drinking, so much. (because I don't want to get esophageal cancer, extreme Asian flush y'all) 
2. Stop cursing
3. Stop cutting
4. Be more productive
5. Listen more.
6. Just be happy

Wishing Well

I wish I were dead.

Chase

How far do you have to run to stop from hurting or feeling ever?

Whew

Okay, I feel better now. I really do have the best friends in the world.

Burned

My senses are in overdrive and I don't like it. I just want to crawl up and die. I feel like crying, couldn't manage to get myself out of bed today to go to work. My chest hurts and there's nothing I can do about it, literally. I'm not allowed to cut anymore, I 'promised'. Ugh. I'm so messed up, no wonder I can never get anyone to really consider and love me for real. I'm always going to be the 'right now' girl and never the 'right' girl, which is the only thing I ever want. I hate overreacting, but it's so damn inevitable. I don't even know if there is really anything clinically wrong with me anymore, I feel so silly all the time for playing in to dramatics. What if I'm really not 'depressed'? Then what the hell is going on? I feel so rejected all the time. Everything feels so far away. I wish I were so completely normal and never always alone. I feel like I have no right to ever feel this way because there are people out there in far worse than my unstable and emotional states.

Slow Ride

We just have to ride it out- stay afloat. We're okay. No more thinking and freaking out. I mean it this time! Let's just be happy.

Poof

Feeling super vulnerable, like crying. Make it go away please.

Force Field

I don't know why, but always, when all else fails. Jay always does the trick. It's the poetry and composition; it's the familiarity of a language and culture I hold so dear.
'Cause first loves last forever. <3

Acting Up

I don't know if my intuition is serving me wrong, but something feels off with you. I hope you're not thinking or worrying. You're quiet today. You know I hate it when you worry. You told me we were okay last night, so why is today so blah? Maybe it's not me and something happened to you today. Ugh, I hate being so sensitive. Think I'm going to hit the mall today for a pick me up after work. Bleh. I hope you're okay.

Bubbles

Pillow Talk, The Serious Version

I'm glad you made us have that talk and that we found out we're actually on the same page as each other with everything. Stop thinking you did something wrong because you didn't, you're wonderful. <3

!!!

What the hell am I doing!! I feel so disgusted right now, like throwing up. I'm glad I'm hitting the gym after work though, I need a run. I can't do this, I can't keep on getting hurt just because my soul feels too much in general for life. I can't focus and I need to, I need to stop shaking too. My head's on right, for once, but my heart is never right. And this is for once not about depression, I'm at a really good place in my life right now. I've never felt so good and I'm not on meds right now. (maybe they did make everything worse, maybe there really is nothing wrong with me and that I'm just a self-masochist who loves blood and cold steel) I just need to try harder to breathe. This is about external factors rather than the usual internals. My body is screaming to shut everything and slow anything down from the tangible outside world. I don't want to think, talk, cry,  feel, put up, or deal anymore. It's too much to handle, no wonder I'm so horrible at commitment. But it isn't the committing part, it's the risk factor increase part. All I want to do is get into my music listening bubble and not stop. Everything is gets better with music.

Life Sugar, Have At It

I love how you're always so sweet to me. You call me and text me all the time, and you're so so patient. I'm glad that despite all the freaking out on both our parts, that we're still us. And, we should be taking things slower so we don't have to stress out over things we shouldn't yet, because you know we have been since everything happened so fast with us. We're still getting to know one another and getting used to each other. We're happy just hanging out and being us, seeing wherever it goes. Full-time 'friends', part-time lovers. Not friends with benefits, a closed 'us'. You protect and take care of me. No more unnecessary and unwarranted stressing out. Just living in the moments and life.
Posted with BloghuB for Windows Phone 7

In Dreams Part Whatever

You visited my dreams again last night, I wasn't even thinking about you, haven't really much at all as of late and me moving on. Since I stopped thinking of you, I forgot how much I actually miss you. I wish you well.

Smh

Things are changing and I'm not going to take everything with you personally now. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to open up, grow feelings for you, and get attached. I'm closing up my heart again for now because it's too soon. We'll just have fun, and see whatever happens happens, come what may.