Self-Preservation, Strong Will

I consider myself to be very strong in a sense that I've pulled myself out time and time again after my depression has gotten so terrible.

But recently I've been waking up, wishing I weren't alive. I pan out my suicide attempts and see which one would work the best. I go through each day, hating everything, and angry at everything. Picking fights, snapping, at the littlest small things because they all trigger my sensitivity. Everything makes me want to cry. I do have ways to pull me out of the dark place, but when I hit a certain point in my regression, I get into the space where nothing works anymore because all interest for literally everything is lost. It's dangerous because for someone who cares about everything, it makes me not care about anything.

My mind takes over and I'm utterly defenseless. I've been fine off of meds for so long, I figured I could handle it. I thought I've been tracking my issues, but I think I was running away and belittling them instead. But I don't like the way the meds make me feel and I don't know what to do. I know I need real professional help because it's getting bad again. There is only so much I can do on my own and at this point I really don't care about myself anymore.

I wish every fiber in my being didn't scream out that I was so completely not normal. That there isn't something physically and internally wrong with my body and mind. That I really didn't need help. It's getting to the point where I'm actually scared that I will really harm myself physically even further than I already have. Realizing thoughts, of me considering that I might actually be a danger and harm to myself, are beginning to frighten me. It's taking all of my will just to get out of bed every morning, all my will not to burst into sensitive tears at any slightest stupid occurrence. I don't know if I'm going to make it. What's worse, I'm beginning not to care again anymore.

Once the cynic pulls me back to my senses, I'm going to feel like such a fool for letting me fall back into the hole. For getting sucked back in to the bell jar. But, this is not a game or a joke. And for now, I feel like I'm already dead.

Robots And Relapse

Everything is beginning to hit me all at once again. And I know this will continue to happen to me for my entire life. I think this was a long time coming now. It wasn't just one thing. It's never just one thing, although if only it were that simple. You wish you could pinpoint it on one target. Though most people already do because compartmentalizing things is the only way we feel in control. The human species is all about maintaining control or doing everything in your power to think you're in control. Human beings do whatever they can to combat the inconsistency the earth reinforces, they do everything in their power to find something to hold on to so they don't blow away when the earth turns. If you're lucky, you're part of the species who stay in the shallow end of the water rather than unhesitatingly leaping into the deep end like us dark ones. It's never just one thing, but it's always one thing that triggers the chain reaction of the storm. But there is no cure, not for me and not for us. We should all be so lucky, but I can't handle this right now. And I'm shutting down.

Suffocating

I'm fucking drowning, I just want to be left alone by everyone and everything. My senses are in overdrive and I'm too unstable right now, I can't breathe. The slightest and smallest thing can set me off into falling apart. Literally hanging by a thread.

Unplugged

I can't seem to get away. Everything won't leave me alone. Leave me alone damnit.

Music is the only thing that can help me now.

I can't do this anymore. I feel like I could just disintegrate at any moment. I'm grasping on to whatever light I can just to stay pieced together.

January

This is how I feel. (thank you gemma correll, if you guys haven't checked out her stuff, you really should. it's amazing!)

All. The. Time.

Even

"I'm getting high, just to fight the lows.. 'cause that's all I know."

Waiting

"The outside world's incontinent
The wall's no longer our fence
Your skin crawls with it, what's eating you?
Flawless for our little one
Do-overs and re-runs
I see the sacrifice the air you breathe

All those things life put you through
Lame excuses, should've knew
It hasn't been enough for you, I'm waiting
Panic is our passing flu
A hall a day without a view
It's not good enough for you, I'm waiting

Find yourself inside again
The outside world seems most distant
Tomorrow the sun will rise again and you will smile
And you will find yourself
And you will find yourself
And you will find yourself again

All those things life put you through
Virtue nearly buried you
Two years without a mere, she's fading
Forgetting her mental health
Losing pieces of herself
Lost in a nursery, he's waiting on the shelf
For her to find herself
For her to find herself
For her to find herself again

The outside world is closing in
The outside world is closing in
The outside world is, it's closing in"

Just One Song, Can Change Your Life

Get ready to get up and just dance to something feel good.


My heart beats like it's on fire,
And everything is alright, as long as I'm inspired
I stitched together my life, from hand me downs
And good advice that finally fit me

In my heart, where my head should be
And light up, the rest of me
'Cause in dreams, they won't fall apart
Through the stops, the starts
When you're life is a work of art

I found, this door to my inside
I flung it open so dreams could rush in,
Like the high tide
I learned that I'm not an island or a fairytale
'Cause in the end I'm not pretending

Because my heart keeps tumbling
And I keep fumbling
My life keeps gunning
And I jump in the ocean

My heart keeps tumbling
my words aren't coming
And I think I'm finally ready

In my heart, where my head should be
And light up, the rest of me
'Cause in dreams, they won't fall apart
Through the stops, the starts
When you're life is a work of art

Somebody Please

Let me know when I can breathe again.

Dashes

Wishes never work, so why keep doing it? I don't believe anymore, in magic, wishes, nor love.

Monologue

“This shouldn’t have worked, for so many reasons. But for a little while, for this excellent moment in time, it did work didn’t it? And I felt human, alive. But you were right, a secret breaks you down, it’s like bile. Dark, corrosive. It’s a long story, and most of it’s unbelievable. But it’s time you knew the truth, now that I have nothing left to lose. When I’m gone, I at least want you to know what I was. I want you to know who you are to me. Nothing else matters. Not anymore.”

Damn, I know right?

Idealism vs. Realism

There comes a time when you have to stop romanticizing about the idea of things and face the harsh reality of tried valid facts.

Most people get caught up in the idea of situations instead of honestly realizing, registering, and understanding the truth of what’s really real with what substance is actually going on. One of the hardest trials in life is just allowing yourself to be who you really are, right then, right now, and right that instant, instead of feigning the idea you’ve created in your mind of how you want to be perceived.

Yes, people have theories about ‘you have to act like who you want to be, to be the person you want to become’, but that’s what acting is- pretending. I don’t necessarily believe we have full control over who we end up becoming psychologically, we only have control over the externally tangible factors in our lives. But your personality traits and characteristics are all of your own primordial and cosmic make up honed through time and environment. Whatever happens just happens.

And yes, there is also a difference between self-improvement and denial. The difference is heightened and continuous tried awareness. (hey but what do I know? haha, I’m just rambling :D ) But I digress and that’s another story for another time.

Anyway, it takes real bravery to just be the quirky, weird person you know you truly are. Everyone is made differently.

But back to the topic at hand. It’s easy to be more in love with the idea of things, than understanding what’s really right in front of your face. Ideas spurn imagination, inspiration, and hope- they’re part of the beautiful things in life. It’s more preferable to want life to be beautiful all the time, but that also causes the mind to run away with ideas. And then that’s where reality and fantasy play in, but again lol, I digress haha.

In life, you have to be more logical and pragmatic. You have to be able to separate the two or else you don’t have a chance in hell of coming out alive the way you want to come out. It’s our lives and up to us for the taking. It’s whether or not we have the courage to rise up to the challenge and actually allow yourself to literally embrace the things we fear the most- with full vulnerability and conviction. To actively allow yourself to feel something and live life for what it really is rather than allow the bubble of self-preserved ideas to shield you from life. To actively participate with not just your mind but through fully committed action as well. The only constant in life is that everything is in fact, inconstant.

It’s easy to get lost in your ideas because they create a protective layer, a cushioned space so you don’t have to actively take any risk.

And it’s easier to passively have an idea than it is to execute an active strategic plan. But life is just as multifaceted and complicated as people are and the wheel never stops turning.

I think I’ve finally realized I may in fact be more of a full fledged realist than the idealist I always thought I was. Life is all about what you do with it. Everything is personal. It’s your own life, so why shouldn’t everything be personal? In this case, realism always wins out.

Knowledge

What you want and what you actually choose to do in the life you live are completely different entities. Everything in life is a series of choices all solely of your own responsibility and free will.

Over It

Done and done.

Need

I don't want to be needy, I don't want to have to need somebody. I don't like what it does to me or who it turns me into. It turns me into a weak and clingy girl. Though it always seems inevitable, I don't want to be her.

No Longer

Steady.

I feel like my heart has been scraped and cut up raw. I can't breathe, and I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't feel so much for life. I didn't want to get out of bed today. All I want to do is crawl up, cry, and cease to exist.

Crumbling

I can't do this. I don't know how.

Split Personality

Crazy how everything can be so fine and then so not fine all at the same time. Overall my mental health has been pretty great though. I've been tracking it carefully after I've decided to stop taking my meds. I have my moments, yet I've never felt so alive and awake this whole time that I've been on meds than I am now, now that I'm not medicated anymore. Granted yes, I'm not numbed anymore and that I am feeling everything just as much as I ever did because I just feel everything tenfold in my life. I like feeling numb, just not in a cloudy not awake state, which is what the meds put me in, I didn't feel like I was awake. But now that I think of it, I've never done so much damage- physically, mentally, emotionally- to myself than I did when I was on anti-depressants. I've been pretty steady off my meds. Of course not stable, but definitely a whole lot better and brighter collectively. I am much more open now, accepting, and okay of who I am. It's just my life and something I'll always have to deal with.

Can't let it get me down. Got to keep moving.

Ugh

I was fine, until I woke up.

Airplanes

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?"

Shutting Down

I feel myself doing that right now. I just need to keep pushing through when all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

Drizzy

She said kiss me like you miss me, f-ck me like you hate me
And when you're f-cking someone else just f-ck her like she aint me
Damn, those words are scary, those words are scary virgin mary
I just tell her to spare me
I was in love 2 years ago and gave the baggage to my ex
It's all for her to carry, bags she deserve to carry
I hate that hoe, I make it so hard just to talk, don't I?
I get on topic don't I? I get it poppin' don't I?
I'll end up stopping won't I? and by the time I end up stopping
You'll be rocking one of the rings that you pointed out while shopping with a
Nigga don't lie
She's losing it right now, cause if I wasn't who I am, she woulda been
Moving in by now
But instead we're moving slow, I guess she's used to it by now
And she gives me all her trust and I'm abusing it right now
But this money coming in is just confusing shit right now
You just told me I ain't shit and I guess I'm proving it right now

I say I'd rather be with you but you are not around
So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down
Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
Half the time we don't end up f-cking, I don't ask her for nothing
You leave me in the morning, I don't see her for months
But I just hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
So she's here and we're both so gone

Hotel to hotel, girl I could use your company
Full name and birthday, I book a flight and you come to me
But she don't want a weekend, she wants all of me or none of me
If she can't work with all of me then she say she done with me
You say that you over me you always end up under me
You know how it goes, don't be crazy, don't play dumb with me
Don't start with yo shit, I put you back in yo place
She tells me "I bet you won't, you won't say that to my face"
And hang up yeah, how dare you tell me it's tougher for you
Like I don't hear about the niggas you f-cking with, too
And whoever I be with, they got nothing on you
That's just something to do when there's nothing to do
Yeah, but she's losing it right now

She has choices she should make I think she's choosing it right now
One more chance to make it right, I think I'm using it right now
You just said I never learn I guess I'm proving it right now

Discover

Great indie band I just came upon. Lovelovelove. This song fills with with lingering goodness from the past. I think they might be one of my new favorite bands.


The snow is falling down
I pull you near
The city sounds fade and disappear
City lights blur behind you ears
Your lips are warm
Even in winter air
Even in winter air

As I hold your hand
We walk familiar streets
Made brand new
Now that you're here with me
I see your eyes
You look so happy now
As the white snow flakes
Land on your dark eyebrows

There is so much I want
I want to say to you
Do you feel alive
When I'm next to you?
Do you think that love
Can exist so soon?
I'm hoping that
You feel the way I do

We walk up the steps
To your house front porch
We say goodbye
Under the midnight sky
I'm leaving you
Looking in your eyes
I see your smile
It says your heart is mine

Your heart is

I think that I might
Be falling for you
I love who you are
And every little thing you do
There's a certain something
When it's me and you
I'm hoping that
You feel the way I do
I do

Only time will tell
If this is something true
If it's a passing stage
Cause everything we have is new
This all seems to good
To good to be true
But I'm glad I get
I get to be with you
With you
I get to be with you

The snow is falling down
I pull you near
The city sounds fade and disappear
City lights blur behind you ears
Your lips are warm
Even in winter air

Heart, Brake

I can't do this. I hate that I've come to actually love you when I didn't know how I felt about you to begin with. And you don't know how you feel about me and our situation. You like me but it's not as much as me and you don't want to lead me on. Your actions don't match your words. You need to dial it back, I need to dial it back. No, I'm not doing this anymore. Why do I love people so easily? Love makes people weak and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm taking my heart off the table completely, what made myself think I could let myself open up again? It just hurts even more every time. I'm so tired of never being the right girl; I'm done.

I feel like crying. I'm such a screw up, can't ever do or get anything right. And all I want to do is cut right now, but I can't because I already have so many damn scars and I 'promised'. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell do I ever think? Why do I have to be like this? So not normal. Disgusted with myself, I feel so trapped inside my own body. I hate being awake.

Nuevo Resolutions

1. Stop smoking
2. Stop drinking, so much. (because I don't want to get esophageal cancer, extreme Asian flush y'all) 
2. Stop cursing
3. Stop cutting
4. Be more productive
5. Listen more.
6. Just be happy

Wishing Well

I wish I were dead.

Chase

How far do you have to run to stop from hurting or feeling ever?

Whew

Okay, I feel better now. I really do have the best friends in the world.

Burned

My senses are in overdrive and I don't like it. I just want to crawl up and die. I feel like crying, couldn't manage to get myself out of bed today to go to work. My chest hurts and there's nothing I can do about it, literally. I'm not allowed to cut anymore, I 'promised'. Ugh. I'm so messed up, no wonder I can never get anyone to really consider and love me for real. I'm always going to be the 'right now' girl and never the 'right' girl, which is the only thing I ever want. I hate overreacting, but it's so damn inevitable. I don't even know if there is really anything clinically wrong with me anymore, I feel so silly all the time for playing in to dramatics. What if I'm really not 'depressed'? Then what the hell is going on? I feel so rejected all the time. Everything feels so far away. I wish I were so completely normal and never always alone. I feel like I have no right to ever feel this way because there are people out there in far worse than my unstable and emotional states.

Slow Ride

We just have to ride it out- stay afloat. We're okay. No more thinking and freaking out. I mean it this time! Let's just be happy.

Poof

Feeling super vulnerable, like crying. Make it go away please.

Force Field

I don't know why, but always, when all else fails. Jay always does the trick. It's the poetry and composition; it's the familiarity of a language and culture I hold so dear.
'Cause first loves last forever. <3

Acting Up

I don't know if my intuition is serving me wrong, but something feels off with you. I hope you're not thinking or worrying. You're quiet today. You know I hate it when you worry. You told me we were okay last night, so why is today so blah? Maybe it's not me and something happened to you today. Ugh, I hate being so sensitive. Think I'm going to hit the mall today for a pick me up after work. Bleh. I hope you're okay.

Bubbles

Pillow Talk, The Serious Version

I'm glad you made us have that talk and that we found out we're actually on the same page as each other with everything. Stop thinking you did something wrong because you didn't, you're wonderful. <3

!!!

What the hell am I doing!! I feel so disgusted right now, like throwing up. I'm glad I'm hitting the gym after work though, I need a run. I can't do this, I can't keep on getting hurt just because my soul feels too much in general for life. I can't focus and I need to, I need to stop shaking too. My head's on right, for once, but my heart is never right. And this is for once not about depression, I'm at a really good place in my life right now. I've never felt so good and I'm not on meds right now. (maybe they did make everything worse, maybe there really is nothing wrong with me and that I'm just a self-masochist who loves blood and cold steel) I just need to try harder to breathe. This is about external factors rather than the usual internals. My body is screaming to shut everything and slow anything down from the tangible outside world. I don't want to think, talk, cry,  feel, put up, or deal anymore. It's too much to handle, no wonder I'm so horrible at commitment. But it isn't the committing part, it's the risk factor increase part. All I want to do is get into my music listening bubble and not stop. Everything is gets better with music.

Life Sugar, Have At It

I love how you're always so sweet to me. You call me and text me all the time, and you're so so patient. I'm glad that despite all the freaking out on both our parts, that we're still us. And, we should be taking things slower so we don't have to stress out over things we shouldn't yet, because you know we have been since everything happened so fast with us. We're still getting to know one another and getting used to each other. We're happy just hanging out and being us, seeing wherever it goes. Full-time 'friends', part-time lovers. Not friends with benefits, a closed 'us'. You protect and take care of me. No more unnecessary and unwarranted stressing out. Just living in the moments and life.
Posted with BloghuB for Windows Phone 7

In Dreams Part Whatever

You visited my dreams again last night, I wasn't even thinking about you, haven't really much at all as of late and me moving on. Since I stopped thinking of you, I forgot how much I actually miss you. I wish you well.

Smh

Things are changing and I'm not going to take everything with you personally now. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to open up, grow feelings for you, and get attached. I'm closing up my heart again for now because it's too soon. We'll just have fun, and see whatever happens happens, come what may.