You're

So wonderful. <3

Sparkle Theory

***wrote this on 12/28/11 3:14a.m.

So here's the thing, I'm so happy right now. Sometimes when I feel like this, it genuinely seems as though maybe nothing really could be wrong with me. It feels as though I really don't have depression. I know, it's weird. Which side of myself is lying to the other?

Well I finished my Elavil prescription and so I haven't been on medication for a day and a half. I don't want to go back to the doctor's because I have gone to the doctor's so many goddamn times this year that I'm just sick of it. The bills are too fucking high and all I need is a damn prescription. (well of course I need counseling, but I've yet to get up the courage to seek that out with gumption) Yet, all in all, I just feel so weird right now and my mind of course never turns off, so I'm trying to process my own psychological state of emotions. I know I have been off medication before and we all know how unwell that went, but I was pretty unstable before. And now, well I don't know. But I do feel good and more stable than before. I might not necessarily be completely stable like a rock, but I'm doing better. At least for the time being. Yeah, everyone will say it's because the meds are working, yeah possibly, but honestly, I've been taking it for a month and yeah I've gained weight and I hate it. So not taking meds for a while might be better because I have worked so hard to lose all that weight only to gain some of it back, not happy about that at all. But I'm hoping going off my meds will help my body regain its metabolic equilibrium.

I'm so happy right now, because of you.

But the thing is, I'm scared. Well, of course I am, that's a given.
I'm scared because I don't want my happiness to be solely based on being dependent on someone else. Because when I'm alone, I'm so alone and so obviously messed up and not stable.

Yet, you've managed to get further than anyone has ever gotten in a really long time. Since I've realized the state of my mental and emotional health, I haven't been able to let anyone come close to that part of me- the intimacy/love part- in such a long time; I haven't been able to let anyone new in, who hasn't already been a part of my life in some form or another.

I said it two months ago and I've said it to you again, and I'll keep saying it, you make it easy. And you said likewise. We don't play games. If we feel like talking/texting/seeing eachother, we do. We don't do that 'who should make the first move, who should do what' bullshit. And I'm so glad for that. I'm so glad we decided to just not think about bad stuff anymore and just go do fun things. You've managed to sort of repair me without even the intentional purpose. Just thinking about you now gives me butterflies.

I know, butterflies. How long has it been since anyone has ever felt that way? As you become older, the butterflies tend to disappear.

But I digress. The thing is, I'm scared shitless. Everything is happening so fast and I feel the need to slow it down, but when I'm with you, I don't want to. When we're together and we're wrapped around each other, everything is perfect.

This holiday season has definitely been a surprising one, but in a good way. And I'm so used to bad things happening to me that even the slightest "Can I ask a question?" or "I need to tell you something" freaks me out, regardless of the tone or content of conversation. Yet, whatever you've told me has turned out to all be the exact opposite of bad. I'm so scared that the bottom will fall out, because that's all I've ever experienced. But for now I'm just going to try and not think so much and just go with it, just live in the moments and just be together. Nothing else matters.

But back to what I was talking about, the big one, you've managed to sort of really repair me. I don't even know how you did it, being such an emotional wreck and easy crier, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, but these are the good kind. You don't know the dirty details because I'm not ready to completely uncover everything, but you know the basics. You know about why I'm on medication (well not anymore, but that's another story) and I've told you that I'm a cutter. You've made me promise not to do it again. Haven't told you why I do it, but I love the fact that you let me tell you when I'm ready, you never push me or force me to do anything I'm not ready for. You take such care of me. God, you're such a gentleman and I forgot what those were like.

You've seen all of my scars and I love that you ignore them because I've asked you to. And how you still want me after everything.

I can't say I'm not scared, that even though you say you're not freaked out about all my chaos, that you'll eventually cut and run. Yeah, I'm scared. Because I know I'm intense. I'm scared that even though you may tell me 'no' when I ask if I've freaked you out, that you're not telling me what you're really thinking. Even though I know your mind doesn't over-analyze and take everything apart the way mine does.

Okay, what I'm really trying to say is, I'm freaked out because I think I could be really falling for you. And you probably aren't there yet. But that's just how my emotions are, storm-like. I'm freaked out because I've let myself become so vulnerable with you and I don't know how much you actually like me. Sex complicates, influences, and clouds everything, it could actually be spurning my increased feelings for you. And I don't know how you can put up with my annoying personality. Even though you say I haven't done anything to piss you off yet. I don't know how you can be so patient. But I'm glad that you are so much because you calm me down. You know I get flustered easily and you're always so calm. I know I'm acting stupid right now, but I'm petrified to find out if you don't feel the same way. Though we've made it perfectly clear to one another of the exclusivity of our relationship. It's just you and me, no one else.

I'm scared because I'm growing expectations. Expectations of us. I've let you in and I don't want to feel hurt and disappointed ever again. But I love how patient have been with me and so respectful of my self-preservation. So we'll take it moment to moment and see where things go. I can't say that I won't

This holiday, when we spent 3 nights together, has been amazing. I can't wait for you to get back from Vegas so I can see and spend New Year's Eve with you. (granted if you manage to get out of your plans with your cousins, I hope we'll be together for New Year's)

Side note** 1:10a.m.
Aw, that's cute. You just called me from Vegas. I miss you so much. Clearly we're having withdrawals from one another. I hate that you turn me into a mushy, gooey, person. Haha and you know that too, and you love the fact that I've let you into my force field. But that's life and you're helping me learn to embrace whatever bumps arise. I can't wait for you to get back.

Lingering Thought

Do you think the medication could have actually exacerbated my condition instead? We'll see.

Anti-Depressant

I think I'm just going to stop taking them altogether. I know this might be a bad idea, but I can't fucking take this weight gain. I feel disgusting. I was 125 when I started over a year ago and now I'm almost 140. This is fucking ridiculous. All my hard work down the drain even when I work out regularly. Frack. Hopefully since I am in a more stable mindset I can handle all this naturally. Going to start eating healthier too. Starting over in anything sucks.

Sunset

Well Then

We figured us out, so that's good. It was all happening so fast for the both of us and we both weren't looking for a relationship before this so we didn't know how to handle the situation. Bottom line, we're in a closed and exclusive whatever it is that we're doing. We're happy continuing whatever we're doing because it's too soon and not the time to be making any official decisions. We just wanted to acknowledge if we were still just friends or more. Because we're clearly not the friends with benefit type of people. We've made it clear that we don't do that and that we don't do what we have done with each other with most people. So I'm glad we figured everything out and are on the same page. And now we can just be with each other without residual doubts or thoughts. Hooray. And now I can publish what I wrote last night (of course when I'm in a more elated mood, I like to synchronize my entries to my emotions at the time) and stop freaking myself out. I don't know how you can always be so patient to deal with me lol.

Breathe

Just let it go, stop thinking and be happy. I think I'm going to go back in Wellbutrin XL tomorrow. Just live in the moment, you cried, so get over it.

Just

Just stop it, you're letting yourself get into your head again. Stop it you're going crazy. Again. Stop it stop it stop it, please.

Fuck

I thought I was okay, but obviously I'm not. I ran out of my 1month Elavil a day and a half ago. I thought I should try going without meds, that maybe I'm okay. But I need to remind myself that I've done that before, and it didn't work out well. But fuck, the anti-depressants are making me gain weight and it's pissing me off. I've worked so hard to lose weight, now I'm gaining it back. Fuck. I feel so fucking hopeless. Yet again. I just want all this to end. Fuck, I should go see my doctor tomorrow, but I don't know. Nothing is working, I just want to give up. Fuck. Goddamnit.

"All of life is a struggle. It's a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. You're fighting gravity all day long." - Richard Rose

Post-Post

Well, that changes things doesn't it.

I just wrote this long ass entry. And now I don't know if I should publish it. I just want to distance myself again, push everything away again and put all my walls back up. I may definitely be overreacting right now, in fact I most probably am, but what the hell was I thinking? I can't allow myself to get into any position to get hurt again, I can't take every time it happens anymore. As I am getting older, I am seriously losing my skill for resiliency. Damn. I wish I were normal and everything didn't hurt as much. I hate how things can take a spin for the worse in an instant. And I hate how easily I cry about everything now. I don't like feeling so crushed, but I feel it all the time. I'm trying to just go with the flow, but I can't. With love, that's just not me. I need to have a plan for everything, all of the time. Or else I can't take it. I need to have a plan to protect myself from everything, all the time.

What the hell is wrong with me? I know, everything.

Sparkles

Sparkles galore. I hope it stays this way.

Hmm

I have no idea what's going on, but on the surface things are good with us. We had our Movie Pizza Pazookie night last night. And the day before that we had our first kiss/make out session through way of liquid courage aka alcohol. Gotta love that stuff and who doesn't love kisses right? At least we know we have major chemistry lol.

I just don't want to think anymore. All the little things you've done to piss me off, and I'm sure I've pissed you off tons, you're just too much of a stand up gentleman to show it, but all those things I guess we're disregarding it all. I hope. Well either way we're mended and spending Christmas Eve together. Getting all dressed up, cooking dinner and listening to Christmas music and doing Christmasy things. Bubbly will be involved, sex will not lol, hopefully! I need things to slow down, but he's again, too much of a gentleman, and I can see he's taking his cues from me. I just need to not be the slut I am haha. Jokes. No but serious, if I want this to work, I need to take things as necessarily as slow so I don't really royally and officially fuck it up because I make messes. I don't know how he really feels, since most guys never see me as the girlfriend type, but I hope he's into me. But then again, I don't really know how I feel either. I just know that I like kissing him. Haha. So there's that. Cheers and Merry Christmas Eve lovers. I hope everything remains sparkly.

Always

There's something wrong with me, I'm never going to function right. I screw everything up, always will.

Not Working

Talked too much, ruined it. Bummed out, drinking is a go tonight.

Games

Stop playing them. It's not cute, it's just plain annoying because I can see what you're doing. If you keep trying to play them, you're not only going to give me stupid unwarranted anxiety, but you're going to lose me too.

The Weeknd Part Deux

The Weeknd came out with a new album! Echos of Silence. Holy crap, it's so damn good. I'm sitting right now blown away. It's like he took the different sounds he was experimenting with from the first two albums, and amplified everything, managed to make it all work and create a much more cohesive and better sound. Check it out lovers. And Drake's newest album, Take Care came out Nov. 15 this year, is fucking amazing. It's got a lot of heart. Huzzahs and hoorays. Super stoked and eargasms all around.

Cuteness

And the one I am into, he should definitely know it haha. But anyway, he certainly lets it be known that he's into me. I was trying to clean my disaster of a room and told him what a mess it was. He replied with lyrics of a song,

"A tornado flew around my room before you came
Excuse the mess it made, it [usually] doesn't rain
In Southern California, much
Like Arizona, my eyes don't shed tears, but,
boy, they [pour], when I'm thinking about you."

-Frank Ocean "Thinking About You"


I'm a sucker for words. And he knows just the right thing to say to make me feel better. Today was shitty, so shitty, and now it's not. (:
He's definitely way different from what I'm used to. And the complete opposite, far from it, from the usual abusive relationships I've always gotten myself into. I've been trying to break my negative pattern for a while now and this could be really good for me.

P.S. He thinks I'm beautiful, and he let's me know it too.

People

People (guys especially) need to stop mistaking, a girl who is solely being a nice and friendly person, for someone who is interested and wants to be in a relationship with them. We don't want to date you, we're just nice people. Relax and stop giving yourself that much credit. When a girl is interested, you'll know it, there's a vast difference. What is wrong with people? jeez. Maybe guys and girls really can't just be friends.

Crazy

I can't believe you. I trusted you with my blog/writings, and behind my back you make fun and overindulge in the pleasure of how 'crazy' I really am. Well, you want crazy? I'll fucking show you crazy. I'm publishing everything I haven't yet thus far at the time I wrote them. I thought I was glad to have you back in my life, but you only came back to fuck it all up again. Fuck you, and fuck off. Yeah, you live less than 1 min away from me, but I trusted you and you just lie and lie. You're a manipulative sociopath, and I hope for your sake that you really do change one day. What the hell was I thinking? that there could every be a fiber of goodness within your being. You make me sick, disgusted even with myself. Don't come near me again.

Lemons

Damn, I'm so into you. At least, I think I might be! (we'll see what happens) (: Who would've thought? Life does create unexpected and fresh surprises. I love the holidays! What a great weekend. Friday fun date night, all classed and dressed up, at The Standard in Downtown L.A. then late night Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, good thing they close at 2a.m., then cruising and chilling. Texts galore all the time. Christmas party the next day, he had to work and couldn't make it, but I met up with him afterwards and we hit up Yardhouse til closing and chilled in the sparkly center with lights, a gigantic tree, and music. Went home around 3a.m. Texts on texts, on texts. Amazing, it really is all about timing, especially since we've taken the pressure off. Here's hoping! Cheers and night, lovers, indeed.

Yellow

I didn't just make lemonade, I painted that shit gold! Cheers and night lovers.

Motivation-Enthusiasm Scale

Is at an all time low today. Woke up crying, not cool. I feel so empty and dead right now, not cool.

Everyone's so full of shit. Can't trust anyone.

Atypical

Depression is kicking my ass. Fucking end it already, if only I had the courage to do it myself. Fuck, these thoughts aren't healthy.

Heartbreak Restart

I'm trying to ignore it, but god, it hurts so much I can't breathe. Just let me fall asleep please.

Alone

I've never felt so much.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

I love songs that bring back so many good feelings from such great times. It makes me relive all those great sentiments. That's the greatest part of nostalgia, because time is always fleeting and you can never get it back. Nostalgia is a blessing in disguise. Here's two great ones. I had an affair in high school with her first two albums, I don't listen to her new stuff now- frankly I kind of don't like it, tastes change and evolve with time, but I have a place in my heart for the first two.

I absolutely love love love singing out loud and dancing out to these songs.




I love how, with just one song, it can bring you back to life again in that moment. So, imagine if just one song can do that, what about two? And then a plethora of great songs- a magical playlist? Amazing, It can just make everything better. Great music just wraps you in such a lovely protective bubble. When nothing else works, music always does. Sigh, what a great day indeed. Happy Wednesday lovers. (:

Starting Over

Sucks.

Hits

God, and the hits just keep on fucking coming! Jeez, the universe really knows how to make you feel like shit. I (like always when these things happen) don't know whether to admit defeat and embrace the life of a pure cynic- which will probably never happen because I'm too much of a romanticist/idealist, or to just laugh completely nonstop at all these constant ridiculous disasters.  Lol, the rationalist part of me is really getting a kick out of this entertainment. You know what, but that's okay. Because this too shall pass. Just need to remember to breathe, it's a good thing I get over things quickly. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day lovers. Fuck everything of all the negative bad things. Fuck you very much.

Sunshine

(: Monumental day, monumental decision made. Life is good. Just keep pushing forward, everything shitty in life is temporary and will pass. I just need to keep reminding myself that. All of my close friends, of whom I love, know, I sometimes disappear for a while- because I need my space, but I always come back. (take whatever interpretation necessary)

Lol, like that's ever gonna work. But one can always hope.

Yep

Enough now. This is pathetic, I have more self-respect and dignity than this.

30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself

Check out this link. It's amazing and so true.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Diversions

Okay, resiliency mode. Put on some feel good music and forget about everything for now. I feel good now.

Residuals

Argh! Okay okay, I need to get my mind out of the gutter and focus, well, refocus. I need to channel all my energy towards my concrete professional goal. I shouldn't have time to think about anything else. How do you separate emotions from an innately emotional creature?

Other Disasters

I don't know what to do. Well, stop thinking, that's one of them. But you can't turn off the very essence of one's nature. I'm so tired of never knowing what to do anymore. Hopefully by the time I am finished writing this entry, I will feel a lot better about everything, since writing seems to make everything better. Anyway, how do I make this as least dramatic as possible. Well, to be honest, everything I've conclusively written and published recently has as been written quite calmly and collectively actually. As I've written these little droplets of sorrow, my mind has been a steady numbed, and stagnant standstill. It's me earnestly succumbing the the truth about everything, surrendering completely non-hysterically and quite physically composed. Which is more than I can say about my non-published and mortifying behavioral drunk actions this past weekend. But that is neither here nor there, just when I think I've done the worst, I've outdone myself once again. What's wrong with me? Oh too much, nothing, and everything. But I don't want to think about that any longer because I'll just feel even worse than I already do.

Wow, look at that, I already feel slightly elated and better. For now, but I'll take whatever I can get, it is the little things. But now that I feel better, I don't see the point in further confessions anymore since that will only make me feel worse again. Hm, yeah, I'll finish this entry later when I come back down again.

The only time I ever feel truly okay is when I'm asleep dreaming. The meds enable way vivid dreams, but I don't mind because they take me away from my own existence. It's the moment I wake up that is the worst. Because everything that is real and hurts comes flooding back to me tenfold, reminding me of just how unbearable the passing of time in this life is. I can hardly breathe, I'm drowning. The moment I wake, everything rushes back into memory and I feel like bursting into tears, all the time again. I go to sleep crying and I wake up wanting to cry.

Everything

Damnit, when will everything stop hurting. I want it all to end. I know I said I didn't want to die, but that's all I ever think about now. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be alive anymore. How do I make it all stop and go away? How do I make myself want to live?

Unhealthy

You came back into my life, and for a good 36 hours I felt actually whole again. Who knew that could be possible after the past what? 9 months? God, I can't even bring myself to even type out this entry. It's killing me.

I love you, but this isn't good for me. It's getting worse. Even as I try typing out this entry, I'm at a loss for words for just how bad I feel. I can't do this.

I should just stop while I'm ahead right? (or behind?)

I should get some rest.

Self Enabled Strandedism?

Made up word, whatever that means. Figure it out on your own accord. But I am trying to be as quiet as possible and make as little fuss as possible since whatever I do, I seem to be annoying the shit out of him. Thoroughly making me feel the least bit important and utterly foolish. I don't want to wake him up because he is grouchy and I really don't want to piss him off anymore than I already have. Though, I am cold as hell, this is all nonsense. Ugh, I shouldn't even be here, I'm clearly not wanted. I'm such an idiot,

Batshit

Batshit crazy.. I can't sleep, as always. Fucking Elavil doesn't even make me drowsy anymore, though I did not take it today- forgot. What bullshit though. Shit might be working, but it isn't like I'm taking it consistently. Everything is such bullshit. My mind is not neither here nor there. Actually, it's actually here or there. It's actually all over the place. Cheers.

Holy

Frack.

Sss-top

I want to just stop thinking, completely. Everything. Everything personal. I want my thinking process to just shut off. Going to try that to the best of my ability. If I'm going to be nonchalant about things, that has to absolutely follow suit. Stop thinking about emotionalities and focus everything else on pragmatism and future ambitious productivity. Go! (oh god, please help me and make it just as easy as saying it out loud)

Mmmm

Amazing what a great workout can do. A good workout can be life-changing. This just proves that I need to force myself to go to the gym even when I don't feel like getting out of bed because it seems to highly counter my melancholia. Head nod*.

But I got to tell you, from going at least 3-4 times (and/or nearly some sort of exercise everyday) a week to zero times in 3 weeks while playing hard on the weekends, boy do I feel out of shape. Sans playing hard on weekends, I would've been just fine, but nope. No go. But, it is like riding a bicycle. Muscle memory and all that juice. Luckily, being active enables more physical resiliency within the body. Pretty cool.

Let's see. Got out of bed today, went to work, studied, and went to the gym.
Wow I am just being loads productive today aren't I? Pretty good pretty good. I just need to keep at it, here's hoping.

Dead Weight

Sigh. Got some measuring to do. Smh.

Out

Yep, I got myself out of bed today. Feeling fine, I think the sunshine helps. And yet, I just really want to go home and get back into bed. I really just want to lay and submerge myself into a bubble of music. My entire body hurts. Who knew something psychological and mindly mental-emotional could transfer into physical correspondence? No idea how that's possible. But it's been so for the longest time. Ugh I haven't even been to the gym in 3 weeks, When I'm used to going almost every day. That's probably it too, the decrease in endorphins and the whole medication stop thing. Amazing just how quickly the body responds; amazing just how sensitive my body is. Maybe I just really need to really, really, dance it out.


I'm getting really sick and tired of myself. I don't know how to get out.


Part of me feels nothing. The other part feels everything.

Part of me feels like I can do it- go through the motions. The other part just wants it all to end. And the whole time I'm freaking out over everything I do because I know this huge setback is hindering my future career ambitions. And god knows what my parents must think of my apparent 'laziness'. Failure, just failure all around. Even my writing is so completely un-inspirational. It's all crap. How can any of this be remotely interesting? I assure you, it's not. It's bland.

Maybe I should've been an actress, 'cause I can pretend and lie so damn well. So damn well that no one knows what is going on. I think I've perfected the art of lying. I've become such a huge goddamnn liar. In everything I do, I'm a big fat phony.

I can't understand how or why people would be interested in this.- me. A shell of a person. Half of me so completely dead inside. Don't they know? Nothing good can come from me, and yet they all still flock. It's unfathomable. Nobody should want anything to do with me, I'm no good for them. It's a huge battle with myself. The multi-facets against each other, fighting to win out over one another. The negatives and the positives constantly fighting to the death to be on top, to be the one emotion that physically shows through my body. They'll kill each other, even if only to appear for a moment. Fucking inconsistency man.

Yeah, I know. I need to call my health provider to seek out a psychologist and psychiatrist. Did you know the difference between the two is, a psychologist counsels, while a psychiatrist just prescribes the drugs. Both of which I need desperately. This cycle's really getting to me. The cynical-rational part of me is annoyed as hell, while the deprived-hurt side is painstakingly oozing damage. I'm tired of hearing myself, tired of listening to myself; tired of myself. I want it all to stop.

Don't

Let it happen again.

It's a self-declared tug of war with myself. Bleh.

Ugh

Oh my god, I need to snap out of this atypical depression. This is annoying and pathetic!

Dis, Connect

I want it.

Dis, Interest

I'll manage to get up one day, feel like I can do it, and then the next day when it comes time to get up, I just can't. And everything happens all over again. It's a neverending hateful, guilt-full, redundant-full, and loathed-full cycle of which I can't ever seem to get rid of. All this pointless redundancy is so excruciating to bear. I walk around everyday a shell of a person. It's like I'm already dead; I'm a full on live ghost, just waiting. Waiting for this whole thing to pass.

I've lost all interest in everything that interests me. I'm filled with a complete nonchalance that I can't explain. I just don't care about anything anymore. I can't seem to even pick up a book because that act bores me now, watching tv is now boring, I can't seem to motivate myself for anything, can't even make myself get out of bed to get ready for the day. I just don't want or care to do anything. On top of all that, I am completely indecisive. I can't seem to make a decision on any matter, minuscule or big, so save my life. It's maddening. Ugh. I'm so all over the place, so inconsistent and spazzy.

This is very bad and dangerous. To be blatantly and genuinely honest, I was literally seconds away from calling a suicide hotline late last friday night, well technically saturday in the a.m. but who's getting technical, but I couldn't find a right designated number. Stupid I know, but true. This is really bad and I so hate the complete dramatics of it. Milliseconds away from self harm, seconds away from popping a whole bunch of pills I do have, seconds away from a car accident had the thought of how much the clean up would cost never crossed my mind. So you see, cutting is the least dangerous and most minor outlet of all, out of all the rest. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about my actions, and you really shouldn't be angry at me for doing so. Because it all could be a lot worse. Hanging by a thread, I could disappear at any moment.

I woke up the next morning, of course as always, feeling like a fool for the indulging of dramatics. Why does everything always have to be so damn dramatic? Even when it's out of complete earnest? It's so stupid, but you deal. And of course the feeling of foolishness is always countered with immense retreat. At least those are my own tactics. They're always countered with a flight tactic as to try maintain equilibrium within the body and mind and what follows is what I have now- complete disinterest. It's the process and mechanics of my mind. I have a complete lack of interest in anything.

The only thing I ever want to do is sleep and even that is a difficult task because it takes me forever to fall asleep. I must've laid in bed for hours last night, fully exhausted but unable to doze off. My mind is driving me insane, it never turns off and I want it to so bad. This transition period is so bad. The reason I am not on the great enablers of SSRI's is because my doctor won't put me in them. He says they work too well, so well in fact that when one stops taking them, because that is the wanted result- to be able to function without meds, you know, recovery, a person drops back down again. Thus leading to having to be put back on the meds again. I don't care, I'll take whatever pills, I just want to get out of this transition period where I feel so useless. I'm so goddamn useless right now. And I really cant do a physically active thing about it, except wait for it to hopefully pass before I ruin my life.

When It Rains

One of my personal favorites. Enjoy, it's beautiful. Perfect for any blissfully quiet night. Contemporary jazz piano, just listen.

Simple Loves

I love the smell of winter, well for me it's the smell of heaters haha. Who doesn't love that nostalgic feeling the body is somehow able to produce? It's like self-received pheromones or some shit haha. The sound and smell of heaters or the sight of sparkling lights or fire. It's the cheesy music. The constant use of scarves and hats, boots and leggings, big sweaters. Enjoying hot tea or coffee on a cold ass night, or even taking a hot soak in the tub with a great book. But it's not just that, even the outside air smells different. Love it.

Dance In Your Room Good

Yeah, I ain't gonna lie, I dance in my room all out with music blasting sometimes when I feel like it. Like now. Smiles all round lovers. Not your typical update dance song, but it's sweet enough and I'm eccentric enough. Get on it.

Gotta love the things that put you straight in a good mood. I only wish the song were longer. These guys- Say Hi - are amazing, check out their other stuff too. Enjoy.


My girl oh well she drives me where I need to go
She needs some and she's got a gun
Sometimes when we play games she cheats and I let it go
I'm the most lucky man I know

Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they don't make no fuss


Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they just blink for us

My girl oh well sometimes it just don't add up
She says she's here but I know she isn't
And she talks a lot and I doze out it works out pretty fine
She's got the looks and I've got the time

Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they don't make no fuss

Oh and the stars, oh
Oh and the stars
Well they just blink for us

Good job fooling me once again and once again coming in and shattering my life after all the progress I've made. You wanted me to 'grow'? I'm not the one who needs to 'grow'. You do. A lot.

You can't keep doing this to me. And okay, I lied to you about my current love life. There's this great guy that wants me, a reliable one at that. And yet, I can't completely move forward because of you. Either choose to be in my life, really be in my life, or let me go. Because no matter what I will always be the sucker that falls for your games, every time.

Can't say I'm not scared as hell to be publishing this entry. But here goes anyway.

The thing is, now you're 'back in my life', at least for the time being. (I don't want to get away with myself again nor overcompensate and I'm scared to allow myself to think positively for fear of losing you again) How can something be so chaotic when nothing romantic has ever even started to begin with?

I'm almost afraid to even speak about it for fear of losing everything again.

And yeah, we really, really, need to have a full on communicative and god, sober, talk. Yet, albeit, the reason we get drunk is that we're too controlled and composed to ever really break down and speak to each other sober, so we use alcohol as a communicative mechanism enabler instead.

But at this point I just want us to be. To exist, co-exist, together. I'm so tired of all the mess and I'm at the point right now where I don't care anymore. (who knows what I'll feel as time passes, but right now this is how I feel) About anything, about the past or whatever. I just want us to stay in eachother's lives, no games goddamnit. Because honestly, if you disappear again, I don't know how I'll be or what I'll become. It was already the worst ever the last time, and if it happens again, I really don't know if I could take it. I don't know how either one of us could handle it, if all what you said the night you contacted me last week was true.

I don't know how to fix us. I don't know anything anymore. But I don't want to lose you again. It's pathetic, I know, but last week being with you- I felt whole again. I can't believe I'm publicly admitting it, but it's true. For the past 9 months I've been walking around with a big hole, a painful void, in my chest. And when I'm with you, I don't feel that way anymore. I never do. Within seconds you manage to make everything better.

There's no one else who has been able to replace you; I don't think anyone can. Yes I'm stuck on you, and sometimes I hate it because letting yourself completely rely one someone is a scary thing. And I'm scared to do it again, and okay, who asked me to? because no one did right? But I either let someone in or I don't, I either love someone or I don't, that zone has never been a gray area and it's way too late to change that or how I feel about you now, because I've already tried and that I failed miserably at.

And what trips me out is that I'm not the type of person to have ever 'pined' for someone as bad as this, let alone vent out all my frustrations in so many goddamn entries. It even makes the cynic part of me sick just thinking about all this indulged in cheesy loss love crap. Bleh lol.

But what are you going to do, out of all the years we've known each other, I never realized my real feelings for you until last year, after you came back and made me trust you again; I never realized just how great a part of me you were, until I lost you.

I'm so tired of missing you and not being able to tell you so. You still say I'm your best friend, that's what you tell me, we can't really be so if we don't try to stay in one another's life. I know I gave up, but that was after I thought you did. And also, so whatever if you don't want me as a girlfriend either, so we'll just stay best friends if that's what you really want. I don't care right now, we'll eventually work everything we need to out, just don't disappear on me again.

And I know I always have to ruin the moment because I'd rather ruin it than run away with a false idea. Yet for right now, I don't want to talk about anything serious anymore, about anything we seriously need to talk about, I just want to enjoy the feeling of the fact that we're actually sort of speaking again. And god, yeah we only live less than 2 minutes away from one another lol, ridiculous. Anyway, I promise, if you don't give up on me, I won't give up on you.

Another LeLove Repost- Thanks Again

Enough said.

Monday, November 28, 2011

unfinished business

I can’t get the hang of this. I’ve been typing and erasing and can’t decide how to write so I don’t know how it will turn out. My story is confusing, especially to me. You see, everything we’ve been through, it’s so baffling, intertwined and complexly stretched out that I can’t even put it into words. You know what they say about realising what you have only when you lose it? That’s exactly what happened.

I do not know when I realised it and it must have been a while after it ended... but as time went on and all our different aspects were becoming apparent to each other- for my part at least- I think I fell in love. Fell in love when I wasn’t even on talking terms with this other person.

The thing is that the actual 'relationship' was a short ordeal. We went out for a few weeks but after a while, it was abruptly cut short. All in all, it was a quick thing, too quick for us to properly adjust to each other. The worst part is that despite everything, we had a whole lot of 'moments' and little sweet memories that keep haunting you.

So for two years it’s been this mesh of an unfinished business, an unspoken of and non-verbal communication and many, many stupid mistakes. We used to see a lot of each other so it was painful. There was no way I could move on, especially me being so overwhelmed with his presence. Sometimes one of us made a move. We ignored each other- I don’t know why. We would then get mad with each other and that made everything worse. Cowards and bloody idiots!

Today, I do not know what will happen. Sometimes I feel so sad that two people can be so complimentary and yet clash so much at the same time. I used to get really sad about this. Twice I tried to contact him. Useless. Just as useless as his attempts were.

I have finally accepted the fact that the right occasion won’t ever come up. Not now anyway, I don’t ever see him. Which is good. At least I can have a good shot at moving on.

My final and concluding thought is that I really wish that it wasn’t for him the way it was for me. Because in that case it must have been bloody painful and I really don’t want him to have gone through all that.

I love you.

Despite everything.
Posted by Le Love at 7:11 PM

Bender

I'm on a music bender right now. This moment. I love how it can encapsulate your mind into a blissful bubble and soothe for that momental duration. Music is an essence of life and it warms the body through invisible electrical currents which flow throughout the entire cavity.

4a.m.

I was up until 4a.m. last night reading. Is it too cliche or overrated to really get into the fact that I've been reading Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation? Is it too overplayed to be as self-indulgent to compare something so monumental and historically changing to one's own miniscule and petty life? But the problem in life is that no one can really ever stand to be completely alone- isolated from everyone. Despite everything, everyone consciously or unconsciously searches for a familiarity that will effectively suffice for any felt void. Even as it is fought- out of self-preservation, secretly, deep down, it is the only thing that is ever truly craved.

Everyone yearns to be accepted and loved; it's the natural and instinctive, built in, desire of our species. But with the pure consent of acceptance and love, first comes the necessity for a relevant full understanding and familiarity to know and acknowledge that you aren't the only one.

It definitely is an eye opener and I am gaining a lot more insight. It's comforting and at the same time strange to be absorbing something that hits so damn close to home yet also the accumulated awareness with piecing together extreme differences as well. Because it could always be worse. She had it pretty bad, worse even.

But relatable it definitely is. It's putting a lot of things in perspective for me. I actually can hardly put it down when I pick it up.

It calls into question the extent of a disorder. It's making me feel as if I make big deals out of nothing. It's also making me feel as though I am completely delusional in the things I capriciously let myself fall into and believe. It makes me feel bad for my behavior.

But it also makes me accept all the above as being all completely true, but being all okay because that's just how I'm built. I shouldn't have to make up excuses for who I am or the things I do. I shouldn't be ashamed.

Suture

Sometimes I actually surprise myself lol. Another marker. Cheers.

Sometimes, I feel like I really am just being dramatic and making a whole big deal out of nothing about my 'situation'- whatever it is. Because let's face it, truth- I am a pretty lucky and too fortunate girl. Should why should I even be like this at all? Why should my mind be constantly filled? I haven't earned the right to feel this horribly because there are worse circumstances that have happened to others.

And sometimes, when I feel good like I do now, I feel as if nothing is really wrong with me after all. That maybe I really am normal and everything is all just in my head.

That's it thought isn't it?- 'all in my head.' And it's taken me a long time to get to this point of realization and acceptance.

If nothing were wrong, it wouldn't be in my head at all. I wouldn't be wanting and trying to be someone who I'm not. I wouldn't be lying to everyone through lying to myself, constantly seeking for any sort of approval, trying to impress, and be craving to be well-liked (well thank god not anymore, but before I did). My mind wouldn't be playing tricks on me and over-indulging in these delusional and obsessive fantasies. Yeah, I hate to say it, but I become obsessed with things. It's true, and I'm finally just accepting it everything I've been not wanting to realize about myself. But you could probably tell already even if I never could. It all is just what it is and has been.

I wouldn't be so prone to high and lows just based on mere petty expectations and outcomes. I wouldn't be relying all of my ability to be 'happy' on the thought that if something goes perfectly right, then everything will be alright. I wouldn't feel like everything is a goddamn ultimatum or bargain for the positivity in my life.

Yet, despite all that, I really do feel as if nothing is wrong with me at times.

But when I happen to be low, when the sunshine diminishes in my mind, that's where the problems arise. That's what reminds me that whatever is going on inside my head, inside me, isn't right. That's when I know, that something's wrong. And this has been going on for way too long to ignore altogether. I have all these images in my head that flash by, as back as I can remember, and it's awful that it's been going on since then. But I still can't help but feel silly and stupid. It isn't like I want to be dramatic nor make a big deal out of things, I don't try, whatever comes out of me just happens to come out the way it does.

But I'll feel whatever it is I feel and it'll be whatever it will be.

Quitting

Fuck it all. Life can suck it. I should've never gotten out of bed to begin with. I don't give a shit anymore.

Why the fuck am I awake right now? It's 'cause I haven't been able to fall asleep soundly today yet, I keep fucking waking up.

I know now

Okay, I know many people, most people use razors. I've never understood why until now. I've never used them before and still haven't, but I understand why now. Its because they're easier, thinner, less difficult to pierce through anything. But they also hurt less because they're easier.

Fool

I'm such a goddamn one.

I'm trying not to kill myself right now. Help me.

I know when I decide to go, I'll either OD on pills, or just crash into a hard wall. God I want the courage to do so, so bad. I want to not exist anymore. Sorry parents.

Play, List

A few Christmas favorites (in no particular order):

Yeah, Christmas is my favorite holiday ever. I don't usually prefer the cheesiness of most things, but I'm a huge sucker and can't help but give in to the Xmas spirit, Neh. So there ya go. (;

1. Mariah Carey: All I Want For Christmas
2. Bon Jovi: Bells Will Be Ringing
3. Glee: Last Christmas, Baby It's Cold Outside, Merry Christmas Darling, Oh Holy Night,
4. Macy Gray: Santa Baby
5. Kelly Rowland: I'm Beginning To See The Light
6. Kelly Clarkson: My Grown Up Christmas Wish
7. Vince Guaraldi: Christmas Time Is Here
8. The Chipmunks: Christmas Don't Be Late
9. Christina Aguilera: This Christmas

Of course there are a lot of different versions and original versions that do the trick just as well.

Last Christimas

Dude, I have not been keeping up with Glee at all this season, but I've been listening to Christmas songs all day at work today and this came on. One of my favorite Christmas songs, I've loved this song by Wham ever since I can remember that there ever was a holiday. I love Christmas. Haha I wish it could always be Christmas season. Warm and fuzzies galore dears.

Here's the clip and then the full song. Such cuties.



"I wrapped it up and sent it, with a note saying 'I love you', I meant it."

The Come Up

The ability to turn a situation around is one of the greatest working things within the simplicity of every day life. Despite all this fluctuating and at times hopeless and devastating, turmoil, I am still really grateful to have such great friends. I find myself being stunned with the realization every so often. I'm a very lucky girl. (yeah, it's incomprehensible to me why my brain acts the way it does and needs meds, but I'm working on it dude) I have the best people in the world around me in my life. Some of the littlest insignificant things can reinforce the goodness in everything.

Vintage Feel

Woke up feeling a little bit of Otis today. Cheers to 'Try A Little Tenderness' and 'Cigarettes and Coffee'. My all time favorite songs from the man. Then proceeded to follow with Etta James's 'Anything To Say You're Mine'-the dragged out beginning vocal sounds, and Brandie Carlile's 'Break It To Me Gently'- the instrumental really gets me. Gotta love them oldies, sucker for slow blues/soul/jazz. <3

Modern Throwback

Old favorite.