Sparkle Theory

***wrote this on 12/28/11 3:14a.m.

So here's the thing, I'm so happy right now. Sometimes when I feel like this, it genuinely seems as though maybe nothing really could be wrong with me. It feels as though I really don't have depression. I know, it's weird. Which side of myself is lying to the other?

Well I finished my Elavil prescription and so I haven't been on medication for a day and a half. I don't want to go back to the doctor's because I have gone to the doctor's so many goddamn times this year that I'm just sick of it. The bills are too fucking high and all I need is a damn prescription. (well of course I need counseling, but I've yet to get up the courage to seek that out with gumption) Yet, all in all, I just feel so weird right now and my mind of course never turns off, so I'm trying to process my own psychological state of emotions. I know I have been off medication before and we all know how unwell that went, but I was pretty unstable before. And now, well I don't know. But I do feel good and more stable than before. I might not necessarily be completely stable like a rock, but I'm doing better. At least for the time being. Yeah, everyone will say it's because the meds are working, yeah possibly, but honestly, I've been taking it for a month and yeah I've gained weight and I hate it. So not taking meds for a while might be better because I have worked so hard to lose all that weight only to gain some of it back, not happy about that at all. But I'm hoping going off my meds will help my body regain its metabolic equilibrium.

I'm so happy right now, because of you.

But the thing is, I'm scared. Well, of course I am, that's a given.
I'm scared because I don't want my happiness to be solely based on being dependent on someone else. Because when I'm alone, I'm so alone and so obviously messed up and not stable.

Yet, you've managed to get further than anyone has ever gotten in a really long time. Since I've realized the state of my mental and emotional health, I haven't been able to let anyone come close to that part of me- the intimacy/love part- in such a long time; I haven't been able to let anyone new in, who hasn't already been a part of my life in some form or another.

I said it two months ago and I've said it to you again, and I'll keep saying it, you make it easy. And you said likewise. We don't play games. If we feel like talking/texting/seeing eachother, we do. We don't do that 'who should make the first move, who should do what' bullshit. And I'm so glad for that. I'm so glad we decided to just not think about bad stuff anymore and just go do fun things. You've managed to sort of repair me without even the intentional purpose. Just thinking about you now gives me butterflies.

I know, butterflies. How long has it been since anyone has ever felt that way? As you become older, the butterflies tend to disappear.

But I digress. The thing is, I'm scared shitless. Everything is happening so fast and I feel the need to slow it down, but when I'm with you, I don't want to. When we're together and we're wrapped around each other, everything is perfect.

This holiday season has definitely been a surprising one, but in a good way. And I'm so used to bad things happening to me that even the slightest "Can I ask a question?" or "I need to tell you something" freaks me out, regardless of the tone or content of conversation. Yet, whatever you've told me has turned out to all be the exact opposite of bad. I'm so scared that the bottom will fall out, because that's all I've ever experienced. But for now I'm just going to try and not think so much and just go with it, just live in the moments and just be together. Nothing else matters.

But back to what I was talking about, the big one, you've managed to sort of really repair me. I don't even know how you did it, being such an emotional wreck and easy crier, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, but these are the good kind. You don't know the dirty details because I'm not ready to completely uncover everything, but you know the basics. You know about why I'm on medication (well not anymore, but that's another story) and I've told you that I'm a cutter. You've made me promise not to do it again. Haven't told you why I do it, but I love the fact that you let me tell you when I'm ready, you never push me or force me to do anything I'm not ready for. You take such care of me. God, you're such a gentleman and I forgot what those were like.

You've seen all of my scars and I love that you ignore them because I've asked you to. And how you still want me after everything.

I can't say I'm not scared, that even though you say you're not freaked out about all my chaos, that you'll eventually cut and run. Yeah, I'm scared. Because I know I'm intense. I'm scared that even though you may tell me 'no' when I ask if I've freaked you out, that you're not telling me what you're really thinking. Even though I know your mind doesn't over-analyze and take everything apart the way mine does.

Okay, what I'm really trying to say is, I'm freaked out because I think I could be really falling for you. And you probably aren't there yet. But that's just how my emotions are, storm-like. I'm freaked out because I've let myself become so vulnerable with you and I don't know how much you actually like me. Sex complicates, influences, and clouds everything, it could actually be spurning my increased feelings for you. And I don't know how you can put up with my annoying personality. Even though you say I haven't done anything to piss you off yet. I don't know how you can be so patient. But I'm glad that you are so much because you calm me down. You know I get flustered easily and you're always so calm. I know I'm acting stupid right now, but I'm petrified to find out if you don't feel the same way. Though we've made it perfectly clear to one another of the exclusivity of our relationship. It's just you and me, no one else.

I'm scared because I'm growing expectations. Expectations of us. I've let you in and I don't want to feel hurt and disappointed ever again. But I love how patient have been with me and so respectful of my self-preservation. So we'll take it moment to moment and see where things go. I can't say that I won't

This holiday, when we spent 3 nights together, has been amazing. I can't wait for you to get back from Vegas so I can see and spend New Year's Eve with you. (granted if you manage to get out of your plans with your cousins, I hope we'll be together for New Year's)

Side note** 1:10a.m.
Aw, that's cute. You just called me from Vegas. I miss you so much. Clearly we're having withdrawals from one another. I hate that you turn me into a mushy, gooey, person. Haha and you know that too, and you love the fact that I've let you into my force field. But that's life and you're helping me learn to embrace whatever bumps arise. I can't wait for you to get back.