Meh

I haven't really felt like posting lately, even though I have been keeping up with my postings regularly. (Regularly meaning everyday or quite very often as you can see I have only started this blog for only a month and yet I have a lot of posts, while there are others that post once a month given to their own likings- not to say that there is anything wrong with that, of course not, I just always have something to say or need to put it all down, yet sometimes I have nothing to say at all.) I don't really feel in the mood to talk about my feelings, although my details will be lacking, I will update nonetheless.

I did get my two tattoos yesterday. Quite exciting and I love them. But weird immediately afterwards at night I felt a little empty. Maybe I was just in a bad mood and tired from being hungover.

Tequila friday was a success, I ended up with a bad hangover but I eventually got over it. And then there was that party on the following day (saturday) and I woke up with a hangover as well but I did get my ass up to get my tattoos. It was so great, sarcasm intended of course, being hungover while getting my tattoos. Story of my life.

The pain from the needle it hurts so good. Haha. It's been over a year since my last tattoo and I almost forgot what it felt like. Good thing I quickly reminded myself yesterday. I don't know, I'm kind of meh for the past day and today and I don't really know why. Sometimes you just can't explain the feelings you happen to be consumed of at the moment.

I think I need to not drink for a while, I don't know how I can do this to my body/liver/kidneys/heart/stomach. But I do it anyway.

I think I'm just in a mood again, I've been constantly busy for these past couple of weeks and when I'm around lots of people for too long I tend to just crave the quietness I get from hermiting. I find it exhausting feeding off someone else's high energy frequencies for long periods of time without having proper rest. I'm a complicated person, but yet at the same time quite simple.

Gahh It's 5:30a.m.! Haha

Oh man I just finished my essay. Sweeet! My eyes feel like they're going to pop out of the sockets. But it only took me about 6 hours to finish this essay. I would've finished faster had I not been seriously unfocused the whole time. I hate staying up doing essays when I'd rather use the time to be reading undulgently. I mentioned how I get a high whenever I finish an essay or essay exam right? Well I feel exhilarated when before I was just meh. (I still kind of am, I let myself feel sad, stupid of me) Now going to sleep, wake up later and revise, print out and then turn it in. (So dumb I commute 25 min to school so tomorrow it isn't due until 5pm, but there will be traffic during the afternoon so I guess we'll see how tired I am whenever I choose to wake up in the p.m.) Hooray for tequila friday and fun packed freedom for 3 weeks before the fall quarter begins!

News

So I went to the doctor's with my mother and brother to get his neck checked out. Turns out the doctor is actually quite expert and well-learned in his vocation (some just know without having to x-ray) And my brother's neck will heal, not completely, but it isn't anything serious serious serious. Thank god.

So on to other news. My weeks are pretty fun. Life is really good sometimes even if I feel shitty sometimes.

For my upcoming birthday, I have planned a week long of festivities. This saturday I am planning to finally make my appointment for my tattoos, hopefully I can schedule it for before or near my birthday. I'm impatient and have been waiting for a while now. I'd say a month or so? On the day of my birthday I am planning on going to disneyland. I know I know how corny right? But disneyland lets you go on your birthday for free. So I figured since I haven't been there in say about 5 years or so. Why not? I love disney shit. It brings back a good nostaligic feeling. Literally makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. You all know the feeling. The feeling of good times. And then the day after I am planning on having dinner with my family. I am going to make sushi for them. (This is more so for my parents, I like to spend time with them sometimes when I can, I won't explain now why because that goes into the category of why I haven't explained my parental situation) And during the week I'm going to pack in going to the beach, movies, movie night, clubbing of course because I love love to dance and dance itself (jazz ballet, lyrical, hiphop) When I haven't done some dancing in a while I get antsy to move. I'm always dancing, my friends can vouch, I'm able to break out into dance anywhere. My life is a soundtrack and this is our song. Haha. Then I am having a big party just a reason to see everyone and get drunk in the process. I wasn't going to because for the past two years I have hosted these epic parties and as each year my birthday has neared, I don't know how I could've topped the last party, but it happens. But this year I don't have expectations of this party. It's whatevers. It probably won't be as epic, but then again it doesn't really matter to me as much this year. But it will be nice to see some familiar faces and alcohol is always a good thing.

On another note, I am seriously procrastinating on writing my essay right now. I have a 5-6 page paper (which is nothing, piece of cake piece of pie) due tomorrow. I normally never sweat about essays, everyone always freaks, but no big deal to me. I cannot wait until I am free tomorrow though because tomorrow is tequila friday! Haha. And then saturday night there is a going away party for two of my good friends. I'm anticipating it. Isn't it weird how life can seem and be so good sometimes and yet sometimes you can feel so different or alone or whatever else inside. Meh whatevers. I love having plans even if I choose to hermit sometimes. I'm a complicated yet simple person. I hope you all are having a lovely week! (because I sure am!)

Shock

So things are looking up and I'm beginning to be more busy. (By the way, just a thought. I'm really surprised that I've been keeping up with this blog so regularly when I don't like routine) I love being busy even though it makes me super tired. I was going to post about new things that will be going on but right now my mood doesn't suit the occasion. Tomorrow.

My brother rides motocycles. Specifically racing bikes, he goes to the track and races all the time. He's been doing it for years not and he's quite good at it. He's the best driver I know and expert enough to race on tracks going speeds you wouldn't believe or be able to handle yourself on a bike. Most amateurs fear even taking a bike out onto the freeway. This past weekend he went to the race track. He came home monday night with his wrist in a brace and his neck unable to move. I didn't think much of it because I hadn't asked him about it. My family we all run on different schedules so sometimes we barely have time to really talk to each other and when we do, most of the time we're just so tired that we're not in the mood.

Anyway I digress. I just found out the extent of his injuries. His neck, apparently a bone has popped out of place. I don't understand. And I'm scared for him. I'm also very angry. His fiancee and her family said that they knew this really good doctor/chiropractor. I just heard the story. Apparently the doctor tried to push his bone back into place with what sounds like this Asian neck stretcher thing, my brother's word verbatim "Like the same thing dad has." It's one of those Asian contraption things that are supposed to help elongate your neck or whatever just to stretch it out.

Okay, what the fuck? Seriously? This is a doctor? And apparently he didn't take any x-rays or anything. I'm pissed. (And I never use the word piss. Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I don't like to because it's ugly) My brother was supposed to go back 2 days afterwards to see the doctor again but hasn't. He says he can't go until friday. God knows why, probably because of work, but I'm thinking if you can't fucking move your neck, your boss should be humane enough to let you go to the fucking hospital or medical office to get it fucking checked out since it has to do with health problems.

And just seeing the look on my brothers face. I mentioned I was too empathetic and felt too many intuition vibes from people right? (The one thing that can really get to me and sink into my heart is the look on people's faces, mostly my mother and father. Just of the things I can see, read, and interpret. It sinks into me and pains me like you wouldn't believe or understand. I can't describe it) Just the look on his face breaks my heart because I can see he's scared but he is trying not to show it because he has to have some sort of self preservation and hope so he won't break down because we all know how serious it could become. My brother is usually the tough one and I've never seen him like this. And what's wrong is that people around him are sort of freaking out which definitely doesn't help his situation or sanity in this matter. He seems sort of helpless. My independent, tough 6"2' big brother. The one who protects me, I cannot help.

I'm smart enough to know what a detrimental area the neck is. I'm in shock right now and as I'm thinking about it, I'm trying to think of what to say, but I can't. And it really is freaking me out a bit. If it weren't for my strong talent and possession of my lovely self preservation, I would be a wreck.

Most of the time events and traumas I do come encounter with barely bother me a bit. They don't bother me nearly as much as they should if they were to happen to a normal person. (Yeah I admit it and I know, I'm not normal. Like I said, I'm wired differently. Short circuited maybe? Who know?)

I always wonder sometimes how I would react if something really really bad, such as a death in the family, were to happen. I've been very fortunate enough to have never had that happen to me yet. I've never been to a funereal or had a family member pass away or had anything too life altering. (Well I guess it depends on your critic of life altering, but I mean something that cannot be altered back as in the state of permanence such as would be on the same level as death) I wonder if it would affect me at all. My only grandfather who is not my biological grandfather (I've never met my real biological grandfathers because they passed away long before) has had a couple of health problems and though they seem serious, I don't think I react as I should. I find it really weird that things are not able to affect me so much. Usually when most ppl freak out about the most minor details, I am pretty adaptable and they seem so petty to me. For me, there always is a solution. When a problem is irreconcilable, then I process it and keep it in me and move on.

My mind works in processes. I encounter news, I have to have time to process it in my head. Meaning I go over it, I think it's my self preservation. It's like my mind feels like it's on the edge of freaking out, but my last strand of sanity is keeping me all together almost instinctively hushing to me that I'm fine.

So back to my brother. I don't know. It's been about a half an hour and when I first took it in I did my being stunned state for a short while and now I'm just numb. I really am scared. The neck is such a fragile thing to me. One false move.

I don't know. I'm sort of numb but not in a good way that I prefer sometimes. Just more so awe-stricken.

I don't know.
When I come across things that stump me. All I can say is I don't know and it comes out so much as redundant and I shake my head slowly in habit as I say the words..

I don't know. I'm scared.

Why Am I Constantly Surrounded By Fucking Idiots

Seriously?

Why are people never fucking able to get over themselves? That they are just that insecure with themselves that they are not able to get past whatever happens. And I always get caught between fucking idiots because I am always able to just let bygones be bygones and move on without letting the past of some else's affect me.

Just because you get fucking jealous whenever I hang out with your boyfriend who just so happens to be my friend. Just a friend who I've known longer and way before you two even hooked up. Does not make it my fucking problem.

It's a shame, I barely speak to some of my close friends because of their girlfriends. People are so immature.

This always happens to me where my friend's girlfriends always have such a problem with me when I'm just a friend. So fucking ridickulous. Girls always get so fucking angry but just because you're fucking insecure about yourself and that I happen to make you feel inferior doesn't it make it anyone else's issue than their own. That is something they have to work out on their own. But I hate how it seems to affect everything and everyone I come across. Why are people fucking like this? So fucking immature and not able to just run with it and be confident in themselves.

And when I'm always unable to not be nice. I always make a nice gesture. I always come into it openly and accepting to the person, yet they immediately are complete bitches from the get go when nothing I've done has ever warranted it. Or if they've known me from before yet when they finally hook up with their boyfriends, suddenly I pose as a threat. It's so fucking infuriating.

I hate how no one is ever able to see the real me. The person who I really am. I'm a fucking good person inside. I hate how every time I do something nice, I just get shitted on. I have seem to have no credibility with people regardless of my well-intentioned actions. I would and could never be conniving. It's not capable in me. I hate how people just see others as one perpetually one way. When it's so clear that people change everyday. Well at least I do. I'm constantly changing, developing, and progressing. I am never the same person and people are so fucking oblivious and ignorant in their own minds. I really feel sorry for people that have eternally skewed perspectives and I wouldn't care so much if it didn't seem to affect my world so much. So fucking dumb.

It's really too unfortunate that fucking the majority of the world is filled with the wrong kinds of people and that they affect everything we touch because everyone is utterly intertwined with one another. I'm so sick of mankind sometimes.

That Time Of The Month

This isn't a thoroughly detailed rant about specifics of my human anatomy. (I know right thank god.) This is about my PMS. (Pre-Menstrual Symptoms)

So I always know when my period is nearing. The week before, I start to freak out and get seriously irritated by everything and anything that gets in my way. I like to be left alone already without the inducements of thoroughly fluctuating levels of estrogen and progesterone. So imagine when my hormones are all wack and collide with my already unstable emotions. It's SPECTACULAR I tell you. (: and gotta admit, my friends really love it. (Haha in case you're not very bright, sarcastic tone severely intended)

And right now it's sort of really amusing me because once again my predictions prove true because everything seems to be pissing me off. (Usually I don't use the word piss or any other sort of conjugation of it because I think it is seriously ugly and full of low-breeding even if people that use it may not be lowly breed, it's just such an unattractive word both in look and phonetics) Yet, it is definitely so entertaining and comical to me.

When I say everything is pissing me off, I really mean it. Everything is pissing me off. And as I am fully putting my rant down onto virtual paper, my steam has been slowly releasing its self. (Again also coinciding with my ability to never be mad for too long of a duration)

My father is impossible. Hard to describe and I really don't want to get into it right now. I know in one of my earlier posts I mentioned my parental situation and that it was lacking in detail and that I would elaborate much in due time. But I never did, and right now I really don't feel like it. I have too much empathy and intuition in terms of vibe radar and it makes me feel a deep sadness and I'd rather prevent that for this moment. So maybe next time.

So I tend to pick fights with everyone and at times I find it so highlarious and at other times I feel really bad for my friends that have to put up with me. But it's okay because I am completely lovable and I bring the sunshine into everyone's lives. :D

I even accidentally bursted at my mother earlier today. It was a small simple statement, but I couldn't help it. It was like I couldn't control it because with family, you have to hold things in no matter what because it is your family. But I later did apologize and my mother being my mother understood.

I'm not going to get into the subject of my parents just yet because I don't feel like it and not to mention this post isn't about that it's about my full on amusement with my ridickulous emotions, but I will someday type it all out when I'm up for the contemplation and challenge.

**Yet Another Side Note 9:30p.m.
I feel like I'm sort of getting back my motivation for my need to articulate cleverly and loquaciously. Not to mention I have just written a fairly long email to a good friend that was completely filled with compelling innovation.

It feels kind of nice. I haven't had any sort of motivation for anything lately and it has been leaving me with a sort of emptiness in that department as well for the past couple of weeks. (You can even tell from my unsatisfactory and blandly written depressing blogs that are just filled with the very basic form and bare minimum of speech because I had barely any desire to do anything at all.

I felt that if I lost my desire for eloquent speech then something really must be wrong with me because it's one of my major passions. If you lose my passions, what do you really have left to keep you going? This is a good sign, maybe I'm finally getting my groove back. :D Haha yes I just said that suckaas.

And I'm feeling kind of good right now. Gyeahhh! (:

It's Happening Again

Where I get all antsy and crave change. (Hence the subtle changes even on this blog- the header and constant play with colors.) It happens every so often. I want to take a trip, go anywhere. I just want to be anywhere but here.

My birthday is coming up and I really don't have any idea what my plans will be. For the past two years I have hosted many an epic night. (Trust me, when I didn't know how the next year could top the previous, it did.) But this year I don't really feel like doing anything that includes lots of people. I don't know, I want to do something epic though. What I really want to do is take a trip to SF, SD, or Vegas. I just need to go somewhere. I feel like if I don't do something drastic soon, I'll scream. But I know I don't have the means to go anywhere big. Being broke sucks. Not haing a job sucks. Not wanting to ask my parents sucks. Knowing their company is almost bankrupt sucks. The fucking economy right now sucks.

At least I will be getting either 1 or 2 tattoos for my birthday. (I have been trying to save up. Not going out as much makes it so that I haven't been spending money.) That will be quite exhilarating for me, not to mention I love the pain. It's addiction and it hurts so good. (:

**Last night as I was reading Paint It Black, it is a terribly morbid book (the despairing ones are the best right?) but written so crassly, cleverly, and almost beautiful in a stinging bittersweet way. I thought about how a couple of days ago I was picking off the last yellow lemon off of the lemon tree in my backyard. It was quite unreachable but I busted the heavily pull on branch maneuver and of course got seriously scratched up in the process. I didn't mind, of course I didn't.

But I digress, as I was reading, I couldn't help but not be able to focus because my mind was inauspiciously on a tragic something else that constituted of a extreme suckage reaction from my body. So I started looking at my arms and my barely there scars, and suddenly I had a huge urge to feel the intense coldness of the sharp stainless steel medal dragged across my arm. I wanted it so bad. But I resisted. Goddamn. As I'm thinking about it right now, I want it still.

I don't know, I think I might relapse soon.. (I've already relapsed in the tobacco department and bought another pack of Marlboro's on the way home after tequila thursday, what can I say? I really wanted a cigarette and then some. Oh well, hah.) but if I did, I don't think it would matter or I would care for the matter.

Oh god, my mom just came in my room and warned in Chinese, (loosely translated of course) "You better not have become a recluse." (Meaning all the baggage that comes along with it, ie; depression and what not. Very recently she has started to ask me, almost everyday in fact, if I am okay or if anything is wrong. She has been noticing how I barely go out anymore. I stayed cooped up inside the house for several days at a time. You think she knows? Though I'm great at pretending like nothing's wrong in front of other people.

Meh.

I've noticed I have been trying to minimize my profanity use and have definitely been less lascivious in my speech as well as less narcissistic (I think it's because before my trials of inhabiting bright and shiny qualities I thought my older posts came off as too mean and rude) Well it's going to stop. I'm sick of limiting my free expression. I prefer to be a blunt. It's more fun. If you can't say what you really want to say here, where can you say it then? Cheers motherfuckers.

Some 2:42a.m. Bullshit

So I'm sitting here and my feeling great streak has just about run out. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I'll be fine again. Start a new day right?

I feel like life is just so fucking mediocre. For now at least. I sort of feel like crying, which is so weird. I need to seriously get over this. What do you think makes it so hard to get over certain things? I don't think it's necessarily weakness. It's probably the sentimental connections that create a considerable amount of emotion. I think for me it's the endorphins. I'm an endorphin junkie.

As I've said about a million times before, I am completely consistently inconsistent. Fully fickle minded and I can't help it. It's like I'm drawn towards that force that radiates from full blown inconsistency. And this happens because I'm almost never completely in the state of bliss. I wish I were, but I'm wired differently and I don't know why I'm not able to just be purely content and have happiness stem from that. The only time I'm good with consistency is with practical things and when I'm in a situation that creates jubilation.

But it makes perfect sense, when things are good, who wouldn't want them to remain that way? The very nature of me requires constant change because I like it. But I think it's because I feel that my life is just so mediocre that if I don't do something drastic to change my situation or emotions for the matter, then I'd go crazy. (Hence my antsy moods I get in as well as my tendency to pick fights with everyone. No seriously, I feel bad for my friends sometimes because most of the time they surely don't deserve it)

I think it's because secretly deep down I want stability. A stability that isn't going to leave me when I choose to let it become a part of me. Did I mention I have huge abandonment issues? Most likely did.

For the past couple of days, as you can see from the progress of my most recent posts, I have been trying to repress my depression and most of the times it works. It peaks out occasionally such as right now, but I've been doing a good job in relishing and what's left over from the chemicals produced by my brain of my lingering endorphins.

And after I manage to get off my my lovely laptop, I will probably find something to do that brings back my previous slightly euphoric state and continue trying to ride out the good feeling. Usually when I am happy, I try to milk it for all it's worth.

**Side Note
I was just thinking, why the hell am I so affected by this? Why am I hurting over a fucking douchebag? Well let me tell you, you always want what you can't have.
I hate how my heart reacts.. such bullshit. I hate how I always believe that people are good or can be good and that I get hooked to their good side no matter how much the bad outweighs the good.

Le Music

Seriously, there is nothing like listening to great music. It puts everything right again and makes me happy. I feel great. (:

Post Tequila Thursday

Hello hello. So I usually just sleep away my hangovers and I'm feeling pretty good right now. Earlier I had a headache, but nothing too terrible. I'm so glad I didn't drink too much last night as to the point of throwing up.

So I did say that I would update later with details. So last night we saved my Patron because we figured my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and that we'd save it for then. So we ended up drinking Puerto Vallarta and I'd have to tell you, not bad at all. There are now two types of tequila I will only drink. :D

So we were taking shots and having fun. Then I realized I was hungry, so we walked to the local grocery store and guess what we decided to make haha. Late night medium rare steak
with chopped garlic (yumtastic!), shrimp/mango/tomato/romaine salad with this "goddess" dressing.

(I swear it's called goddess dressing and I forgot from whatever brand, but it is so good), some kettle chips, we love kettle chips, I bought an avocado because they're so yummy. So I bought at the grocery store: a huge steak, 1 tomato, 1 avocado, and big bag of kettle chips, all for a mere 6 bucks! It came out to 12 bucks but you've gotta love club cards! (: Brilliant! And all with tequila shots in between. (:

With that said, I woke up and realized the weather today is gloomy. I mean it's a bit humid (humid weather makes it sort of hard to breathe, I don't like it much), but it's a bit cooler too. I love gloomy weather. It's perfect. I just wished it weren't humid and were more cold. But still pretty beautiful day.

I hope everyone is have a fantastic friday.

D-Damn!

I love driving at night.

Like I said, there's nothing like a good quiet drive with great tunes.

4AM monotony..
I'm not going to lie. I do fucking miss you..


I hate it.
But I'll get over it.

Funtastic Thursday

Right now I'm off to the movies to go watch 500 Days of Summer! I can't wait, then we're going to the beach! And then Tonight drinking with friends! (: More will be updated later!

7:17p.m. Update**
So 500 Days of Summer was so great! And the soundtrack is amazing. I love indie films. So if you haven't watched this movie yet, I highly recommend it! (:

After the beach we quickly went to the beach. It was great. We brought small speakers to hook up to the ipod for music.

Here is a picture I took. I decided to take a picture of something else because I take a lot of pictures of the ocean. And I rather like this picture. :D


As for tonight I'm heading down to Irvine to drink with a friend. Thursdays are almost always drinking days whether it be champagne/wine/or whatever. And tonight is tequila. So I guess today is tequila thursday! Haha oh man, trust me, the tequila.. not my idea. I almost never drink tequila because many a bad experience has been caused by the consumption of tequila, manly by Jose Cuervo. Jose is not my best friend I must say. So now the only time I do drink tequila is if it's Patron Silver and preferably with lots of lime and salt. (of coz) And I have had a small bottle of Patron for 2yrs that I have no drank. I received it as a gift, but I figured, what's the point of having it if it's not going to be consumed. So tonight is the night! Oh god I know tomorrow there is going to be some deep regrets from the consumption of tequila tonight.. (Oh god probably will drink another kind of tequila that isn't patron too. SAVE ME! HAHA.) Will update about my night tomorrow! Cheers!

Lunch Variety

So today I have brought my lovely laptop to school. Usually I try to avoid doing so, even though I would love to lug it around everywhere because me and my laptop are line one haha, because I have a heavy 15inch dell inspiron 1520. I love my laptop a ton and it's yellow! Haha. I do wish I had a smaller laptop sometimes because it wouldn't be so heavy, but I love my big laptop. I wish I were a wizard or something so I could just shrink it and keep it in my pocket. Or an easy button haha.

So I just polished off a 6 piece shrimp/avocado/masago sushi roll. One of my favorites I like to get at the school commons. I like to eat my sushi with lots of wasabi and pieces of ginger. I'm the kind of person that loves full flavor. You know what I always say, "wasabi makes everything better." Also to accompany my meal is a Cool Blue 32 fl oz. Gatorade and a bag of hot Funyuns. 'Cause you know, I like it hott. Hah.

I'm also listening to some favorites on my ipod. And I've got to tell you, that listening to some songs are so familiar. Isn't it so cosmic and crazy how certain sounds/smells/touches can be so familiar and make you almost nostalgic for a time that was so great but only stood for just a moment. Moments pass you by. But when you catch something that triggers your senses, it's a bittersweet and scintillating feeling. I love that feeling.

It's a beautiful day today.

I have class in about 15 minutes, but today should be great because my professor will be absent and there will be films shown. (My professor is great, but she annoys the hell out of me because of the way she speaks. She's like a little girl. A smart one, but a little girl nonetheless who ends every sentences with an upward tone)
In any way, I have to go!

Big Sigh

This isn't the way things are supposed to be. I know it. I know there is so much more out there no matter how morally or ethically wrong the universe is to everyone. There has to be, there are too many things out there that create a beautiful feeling in me throughout all the mess.

Oh! I Forgot! (:

I had a sort of epiphany today haha. I think and feel the reason why I hermit so much is for the purpose that if I just stay inside all day kept to myself without contact with the outer world while blocking everything out, then maybe nothing else bad can happen to me. I like to be alone because when I submerge myself with the outside world, often times I feel that there are so many obligations pulling at me at all directions that I just want to shut it all out. Nah mean jelly bean? :D (Oh by the way I like to rhyme sometimes, it's fun. I'm superfun.) Makes sense right?

I'm actually feeling pretty good right now at the moment. My moods are completely unstable. I imagine it is like an emotional rollercoaster. My emotions are fleeting. But I feel good right now nonetheless, I guess there's something about ranting and getting everything you feel out that gives me a temporary high. :D Cheers.

Okay SERIOUSLY NOW?

I'm just about to give up on mankind. fuck seriously.

So you know how I said today was supposed to be a good day? Because I was going to get some bomb tacos for dinner then follow up with a movie? The movie I've been waiting and dying to see for a month now? Today was supposed to be a good day, I went to class and was highly productive. I love feeling productive.

So I even picked up my friend and his house is out of the way, but I picked him up anyway and he's on his phone THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. TEXTING. And making noise and reactions from his text. And I'm a nice person so I don't say anything and it's cool because I'm driving and I have my music anyway. So we get to the taco place and NOTHING. We're eating and he's just on his phone the whole time and not even trying to converse with me. What's the point of hanging out if you're going to be on your fucking phone the whole time! It's a fucking waste of my fucking time and breath! I even jokingly told him that he was being rude. And I'm a REALLY REALLY reasonable kind of person and it takes a lot to really really anger me.

So we're done eating and he's just on his fucking phone AND not to mention he's being an extreme dick to me the whole time when I've been nice to him! I can understand if you're being a dick if I was purposely being one too out of fun, BUT I WAS BEING NICE. And he's douchebagness was completely uncalled for and unrelenting.

I asked him to look up movie times and then well surprise surprise he "finds out" that the movies are around 9ish. WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Where have you been for the past fucking decade?

Get this, he then has the nerve to say, "Can we watch a movie some other day? 9ish is late and I wasn't expecting to be out so late."
Okay, WHAT THE FUCK right? A dinner and movie obviously means that you're going to be out late. It's a fucking given. Anyone would know this if they weren't a fucking idiot or living under a rock for the past fucking millenia.

Funny thing is, THE WHOLE TIME while we were eating, I was ranting my ecstatic excitement to watch the movie NONSTOP. Seriously? COULD YOU BE ANYMORE OF A DICK? (Haha quoting it like Chandler Bing does)

So when I get angry for reals, I just keep quite. So I just resort to a simple, "Whatever, I'll just take you home." Did I forget to mention that his house was out of the way and that taking him home would mean backtracking for me? OH I DID MENTION IT.

I get to his house and he looks at me with this expression that makes me just want to fucking bash in his face. A facial expression that is obviously interpreted as a semi-smile that "maybe she's not mad anymore and that we can just laugh about this." Uhh WRONG ASSHOLE. GUESS WHAT I'M STILL MAD. And then I speak my mind about how rude he was, but of course not losing my composure and dignity. Then he says, "Some other day?" (Okay, really now? Why would I want to go out again in the near future with you or be wanting to at the moment when I am fucking furious?) So I just responded with, "Whatevers, just go." And his face changed from light to not and he got out of my car.

Seriously, I want to believe that there is so much more to the world than all this shit. I want to still believe and I still haven't stopped believing, but goddamn LET ME JUST CATCH A BREAK. I'm a good person, so much as when I even do good deeds, bad things happen to me. (No joke. For example, I throw something away for someone who is too lazy and then I'd step in gum or spill the drink on me instead as I'm in the motion to throw it away. Or I'd trip and fall. Just minuscule clumsy stuff like that. I'm so clumsy sometimes I hate it.) And I can't understand how people out there can be so cruel without it weighing on their consciences. The universe is so fucking twisted.

The good thing is that I never stay mad for too long, right now I'm not steamed anymore. I'm over it. Not to say it wasn't right, but I believe that there's no sense in dwelling on things that have already happened because they've already happened and there's nothing that can be done. I'm pathetically resilient. But I am who I am flaws and all. I am an imperfect person and hopelessly flawed. And right now I'm rather lighthearted. I'm feeling better after I've gotten my rant out. I like to get things out of my body and onto record because it serves to me as a way to not have to keep it in and keep remembering. Hah if that even makes any sense. Having it archived is a way of still keeping it without having to keep it on the back of your mind.

Start a new day right? And Thursday I will be going to one of my favorite places in the world, the beach, and then watch that movie!

See? I am trying to get out of my mood and be lighter. You can even track my progress from top of the post to the bottom. It's rather incredible. And I don't have class tomorrow so I can just be lazy. Hurray! (: I hope all of you had a lovely Monday.

Um Yeah.. Then Followed By Some Small Philosophy

So I just wrote a blog, but then I got side-blinded with a heated discussion with a friend and now I don't really feel like posting that because it seems completely irrelevant to how I'm feeling. I wish I could copy and paste the conversation, but I just don't have the energy. I've realized this past month, I've stopped fighting back. I mean I still fight behind what I believe in, but I mean it takes a lot for me to fight back (say like that night I got trashy because of my trusty friend also known as liquid courage). But what I'm trying to say is, I've lost the will to bicker and argue back, for fun of course. And that shoots off as a sort of warning to me that something is not right with me. I'm just to tired for anything, too tired to get up the energy to say "indulge" in a fun bickering war. I just don't have the energy to even want to participate anymore. And I don't know why. So now I just let things go. And I've noticed it's been happening a lot now. It's like I have nothing to say anymore. Like I'm literally and pathetically really fading out. You can even tell with my posts within the past two weeks, they have been very much of no substance. The text style has been typed out with no amount of effort or creativity. It's just blah. I hate blah. I've lost my desire to do anything. I've lots my enthusiasm. Yeah I still laugh, a lot, but that's different because laughing doesn't take effort, it's a natural spasm.

The post I was writing before consisted of a more lighthearted tone, but now my mood is not so much lighthearted anymore. I wanted to write an entry of more substance because I have been reviewing the posts within the past two weeks and they have been all of the same saturnine tone and it does not meet my high expectations for myself. I wanted give you an entry that was different from the past 7-10 entries (I say 7-10 because within some of them are lighthearted, you just have to dig through them to find the sunshine) because reviewing the past several entries, I know they are somewhat all from the same thematic.

I do hate that my blog comes off as one that is dramatic, but truthfully, I can't help how I feel and it's not pretend. Seriously. I don't want to be like this or feel the way that I do. It isn't like I take pleasure in not being able to be happy. Believe me, I do try and I have tried. I am afterall an eternal optimist and idealist. I really am. I laugh all the time and always try to see the brighter side of things. Throughout these past two weeks I have laughed a lot. And there are times where it's like "when is it enough?" and life throws you nothing but rocks, but I always have that innate and instinctive hope that things can get better. It isn't like I have given up. That's not possible for me. I don't give up. There may be times where I choose to temporarily succumb to my depression, but it is never ultimate.

Believe me, I don't want you to think that I am just a dramatic being that inevitably comes off as a fraud because I'm not feigning. I'm not playing, this isn't fun for me. And you'd be sick to think so. Most people would rather not know the real ugly truth of things because it makes them uncomfortable, so in turn they laugh at what they don't know to make themselves feel more comfortable. Those people should be the real ones to self evaluate and those are the ones I really feel sorry for. And then again why should I care what you think? In one of my earliest entries, I declared the absurdity of that want for validation and approval. But that's all crap.

My friend told me earnestly that he "didn't know what was [my] problem" or why I was having "such a hard time" with my issues. I told him I have reviewed it over and over in my head constantly trying to figure out the reason behind my emotions. I mean I understand my problems and why they make me sad, but the reason behind why I feel the way I feel. Or hell, why anyone feels the way they feel, like the real complex cosmic magnitude code behind it. It's complex and you can't really know. I mean if we all completely understood what caused us to feel and react the way we do, then shit, we'd all be geniuses and the world would be chaotic.

I was trying to get him to understand the difference between his thought process and mine. The majority of males are pragmatic while the majority of females are emotional. Face it, males and females speak two entirely different languages. It's true, and if you're just one of those lucky ones, you may be able to somewhat understand both; I say somewhat because it's not possible to fully understand it all.

Okay so basically I explained to him that he had a hard time understanding because he thought pragmatically and compared the magnitude of a problem rather than trying to understand the emotion behind it. I was trying to get him to understand that when it comes to why and how people react and feel the way they do, the magitude of the issue cannot be compared (for example a break up with a significant other to saying a fatal health problem) because the emotions behind them affect people very differently and people are going to feel whatever it is they feel however strongly the issue and emotion behind it chooses to affect them. It would be quite senseless to compare issues on terms of surface practicality because emotions are not based on practicality. Emotions are often times unexplainable because the human mind is too complex. If we were intelligent enough to understand the human brain and all its functions, we would still not be able to understand it because the illustriousness is just that complex.

Okay, well if anything, I wanted to tell you that I really don't want to have my blog be mainly about the same serious and grave motif. And since it is a new week and will consist of me having to step out of the house, I will have more exciting and iridescent topics to speculate about as well as a prediction in change of mood. I am trying to get over it all and create contentment in my mood. Since I will be out of the house and actually "starting a new day" my mood will definitely alter and be lighter. Tomorrow I have class, then work on group project with group, then I am having some really bomb tacos for dinner and finally watching 500 Days of Summer, which I have been dying to watch. Also, Thursday I am planning on going to the beach! Look at the, my mood has already lightened. (: So stay tuned friends.

Blah

So for the past couple of days I've been seriously hermiting. I don't want to get out of bed and I just want to sleep because it's better than being awake. And if it weren't for my inability to sleep 24hrs a day or my back hurting from too much sleeping, I'd do it. It sucks that sleeping too much causes restlessness. I've been alone at home, but what else is new. No one is ever around. I hate that I feel so alone all the time. It's like I'm disappearing. God I sound so pathetic. But I hurt everywhere all over my body, it's like it comes in waves. I haven't picked up any fancy cutlery thus far but I think about it. Don't worry though, nothing to be alarmed about.

Jeebus, I need to figure out a way to get out of this mood. My mind is stronger than this.

Hangovers Can Suck It

Damn so the drinking did commence last night. Things got trashyyyy (in not a slutty way but messy instead). One hot drunk mess. Apparently I was sobbing uncontrollably. Stupid triggers that stir up emotions. I'm not over him and it sucks. And I'm actually quite shocked that I was crying an obscene amount seeing as I don't cry. So that's weird. I didn't even remember until my friend told me today. But I'm over it.

...

I feel like I'm slowly disappearing and there's nothing I can do about it, no matter how hard I try.. oh and believe me, I do try.

I Dont Have A Title For This One

Yeah.. my mood is seriously low right now. I'm even drinking a class of chilled white wine for a pick me up. I'm kind of speechless but not. I feel disappointed. I'm supposed to be chillin with friends and drinking snakebites right now but it has been postponed and thus I am waiting. Seems like all I ever do is wait.

I wish that I didn't have to feel so low all the time. I wish that I never got disappointed. I wish my parents were better and happy with eachother. I wish my parents had everything they ever wished for. I wish I never had to feel so hurt seeing the looks on their faces of their own unhappiness and disappointment of their lives. I wish nothing ever spun out of control. I wish I didn't have to feel like it was up to me to keep the family together. I wish my family were as close as we pretend to be. I wish my home was warm. I wish there weren't the continuous issues with no resolution that sink into my heart about my family. I wish that I didn't wish I had a different life. I wish I didn't have to grow up so fast. I wish my intuition wasn't so spot on. I wish I never felt so alone. I wish I didn't think my own wack emotions were so ridiculous. I wish things were perpetually good and that I never stopped feeling good and happy. I wish my high were never followed with extreme lows. I wish I didn't hurt so much. I wish I never felt like crying. I wish I could actually physically cry. I wish I weren't such a substance abuser. I wish I didn't think about cutting myself so often. I wish I didn't care for my well-being if I did begin cutting myself again. I wish my emotions weren't so unstable. I wish I were good enough. I wish everyone I loved didn't have to leave. I wish to not believe that "people always leave." I wish I was never the one waiting. I wish I were lucky. I wish it were easier. I wish I wasn't so screwed up. I wish I didn't feel like such a mediocre person. I wish I wasn't so broken. I wish I wasn't so fucking scared to let people in. I wish I didn't fear what the ones I care about think of the real me if I ever revealed it to them. I wish I never got hurt after I decided to show my vulnerabilities. I wish I were proved wrong about every instinct I ever had about never letting anyone in because of the detrimental factors of getting hurt. I wish I didn't care about anything. I wish I didn't wish I wanted someone to be there. I wish people were actually there the way they say they are because I always am there. I wish I had a therapist. I wish I were on antidepressant medication. (Maybe I'd have a different desposition) I wish I could smoke cigarrettes without it being a hazard to my health and lungs. I wish I could be numb all the time.

I wish I had more white wine, but there was only a glass left in the bottle.

What He Said And Then Some Preferred 5AM Sporadicness

Okay, I really should be sleeping right now. I've just finished my essay for a mediocre class I am taking just for credit that isn't credit for my major and it was pure crap because the topic just asked for a reiteration of information in the reading materials. Anyway I ramble, that's not the reason why I wanted to write this post.

I was talking to on of my good friends today and I speculated to him, "I think I might be depressed" and his response was, "Yeah.. have you ever thought about taking medication?"

HAHA. Most of the time I laugh at my circumstances. I laugh a lot. If you can't laugh at yourself then what good is anything and I always say it's not good to be too serious. Or as Ferris Bueller says, "It's not good to be too serious, before you know it life will have already passed you by." (Err well I couldn't find the exact quote, but it goes something like that.. I think, I could be wrong about this reference. By the way, I love quoting movies, it's one of my things. It's so great! smileyface*) Anyway, I dunno. I laugh a lot, I mean you can't be sad all the time right, but there is speculation that I may be depressed maybe really deep down inside. God I can't believe I just quoted Ferris Bueller. ROFL.

Meh. I find joy and appreciate in the little things in life. I'm easily amused, but easily bored with routine and pretty good at pretending and lying. I get excited easily and look forward to things. I'm a complicated yet simple person. I get these random bursts of happiness mixed in with huge sadness. Right now I'm feeling rather light but that could be just because I just finished my crap essay. I always seem to get a high after I finish essays or huge essay exams. Weird huh? Must be the exhilaration from the pressure. I shrug my shoulders. Yeah so I just wanted to share that little tidbit. Anyway I'm looking forward to when class ends today because I will be having an afternoon beverage (snakebites I think, and if you haven't tried one, you should!) with my friends to start off the beginning of my weekend! Haha I said I was going to try and stop rambling but this entire post was pure ramble haha but aren't my ramblings interesting? Cheers.

Mental Health Day

So I just really didn't feel like getting out of bed today to go to class. I haven't taken one in a while, my attendance for class has been superb. I figured today, one day, wouldn't hurt (and I really didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't see the point in getting out of bed when everything is so shitty) so thus I stayed in bed and I feel really good about that decision. I like my mental health days, the only thing that could make this day better would be if I went shopping or got my new tattoo. (I have 4 and I'm going to get two more soon but I have to figure out a time to go set an appointment so I am lagging it currently, but my goal is to definitely get it before my birthday that is coming up) I have no class tomorrow so this is great. I'm feeling kind of blah, but what else is new right? Most people say it's the pills in the past year that have changed me and made me more "emo-esque" and inhabit hermit-like qualities because I like to be alone and not around lots of people or if I am around a lot of people I can't stand them for long periods of time without alcohol. Meh, I like to say it's because I'm growing up and getting older and thus am becoming more comfortable with myself so that I do not feel the need to have to go out with tons of people to seek approval or validation, this also plays into the whole not needing to fill in the silence when I'm around people. I'm perfectly comfortable with enjoying silences. But who knows? I've changed a lot a lot during these past couple of years it's incredible.

I feel like I need some new change in my life, everything is becoming too stagnant and routine again. And every time that happens I get into a rut, a mood where if I don't do something drastic soon, I'll go crazy. Whenever I used to feel like that I would get a new piercing or tattoo, but most times I would dye my hair every month because it was the least permanent and I am not dumb about tattoos, they're for life. I stopped dyeing my hair because I didn't want my hair to fall out, but it's been almost a year and a half and I've been feeling like I want to dye my hair again, but I'm not sure what color. I feel like I might be depressed. Meh I'll figure it out later.

Hm all I ever want to do is stay in bed all day, and if it wasn't for it making my body/back ache for being in bed too long, I would do it. Or if it didn't make me feel so restless, but after this post I probably will go back to my bed to soak up all the bad emotions I've been feeling. It's almost as if, if I stay in bed and don't join the real world, that everything almost goes away. Hm almost.

Day 1, I Swear This Time

So last night was fun, but I know I am definitely over it all. I need to stop playing so hard. I hate feeling so unproductive. It's fun, but not for me and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to practice self control and discipline. I kind of really have a strong desire to just be sober for a while. I feel like my body really needs to recover. Ugh no more!

Oh! During the day time I went to the beach for a bbq. I had loads of fun! Kay that is all. Cheers.

Having Internet Down Really Supersucks

My internet has been down and not cooperating for the past couple of days, yet I have been trying to blog through a small efficient means of my awesome-tastic blackberry. It is not perfect (Hence the short blogs of thoughts), but beggars can't be choosers and it thus serves sufficient. When I wake up early today because I am going to the beach for a BBQ then maybe tonight to participate in some mayhem. But I will leave you with a song I have just today become attached to. (When I listen to songs if they have the right melody, notes, and lyrics, then it becomes a part of me) Just listen to the way it's sung along with the melody and lyrics. What can I say? I have a passion for certain things and when they're spot on, the feeling surges through within my body and it's an amazing feeling like nothing in the world. I could go on about it forever. Like everything is perfect and bittersweet at the same time and it hits the heart so phenomenally. And if you can't understand, then I'm sorry and I wish you could. Because it's a beautiful sort of transcendence. It's incredible.

Acceptance- So Contagious

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected,
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow,
Don't let it throw you off too far,
'Cause I'll be running right behind you.

Could this be out of line, could this be out of line..
To say you're the only one, breaking me down like this,
You're the only one I would take a shot on,
Keep me hanging on so contagiously.

Oh, when I'm around you I'm predictable.
'Cause I believe in loving you with first sight,
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to,
To take a hold of you.

Could this be out of line, could this be out of line?
To say you're the only one, breaking me down like this.
You're the only one I would take a shot on,
Keep me hanging on so contagiously.

Oh you're everything I'm wanting..
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line, could this be out of line?
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this..
You're the only one I would take a shot on,
Keep me hanging on so contagiously.

Could this be out of line, could this be out of line..
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this,
You're the only one I would take a shot on..
Keep me hanging on so contagiously.

"You Spin My Head Right Round Right Round

when you go down when you go down down!"

Man there's nothing like a good drive with feel good music to put you right again. I do this often, hence my presence always not being home and always at a friends. Tonight strawberry sparkling wine and mimosas! Cheers biatches.

Family

I hate the continuous issues that have no resolution in my family. The problems between my mother and father suck and really get to me. More will be explained later.

Lovely

Man I LOVE it when my mom comes home and she already has this look of disappointment on her face caused by me when the littlest thing create that face I so loathe to see.

Fuck it I'm going to irvine for the second time in a row tonight to have more fun. Peace outside suckaas.

"I Swear I Didn't Mean For It To Feel Like This..

like every inch of me is bruised."

I wish I was physically able to cry, but nothing. I hate that I'm so hurt.
I hurt everywhere.

Love for My Summer Weekends

So for this summer I have class Mondays and Wednesdays. After 4 on Wednesdays is when my weekend begins. I am at one of my very good friend's place indulging in a new castle beer and we just had boiling crab.

Today we only ordered a lb. of crawfish and a lb. of shrimp with a large side of cajun fries. YUM. (We would've gotten more but wanted to save room for drinking afterwards) If you have never been, I highly recommend that you do so. Check out the website! www.boilingcrab.com What a fun packed day and in a bit we are going over to a friends to party party. Haha because it's time to PARRYYYY.

My mood is lighter. One of my mottos is "start a new day." Everytime something happens that pulls me into a bad mood such as one last nite, I take that night to work out all my frustrations and then go to sleep. When I wake up the next day, I start a new day. There is no sense in dwelling on the past and sulking for too long because you can't do anything to change what already happened. I always try to stay positive. An eternal optimist. (Haha without the too cheery annoying demeanor of course because who could stand that 24/7)

Kay off to paaaarrryy!! Pictures will be uploaded later. I hope you all are having a lovely Thursday! (:

Sammich!

Hahahahaha okay, I just made THE BEST sammich ever. I call sandwiches sammiches or sammies and once on occasion sandwish haha but that was years ago. Okay but back to my sammich. Ciabatta bread (my favorite is either ciabatta or sourdough but they're the same to me), thin pieces of roast beef (I prefer more veggies over meat in sammiches, I don't like my sammies too meaty), light mayo, muester cheese (I usually use provolone but I decided to do something different), lots of tomato (tomato is a must), and a fried egg over easy with the yolk all runny but not raw. Yumm!! (: Haha I don't know maybe it was so good because it was the first thing I ate all day, but the sammich was just so good I HAD to blog about it. Too bad I forgot to take a picture of it! Oh! And I enjoyed it with an ice cold unsweetened ice tea! YUMM.

You Make Me Sick

My respect for you has seriously diminished and is disappearing by the second. You speak and agree with me about the great value of having common courtesy and morals and proper etiquette, but you're a liar. Who the fuck are you, I don't even feel like I know you anymore. So fucking rude. You could've at least had the decency to have that mutual respect to treat a friend better than that. It isn't like I want anything from you or am chasing you or am smothering you. That would be complete bullshit. I don't even know why I even fell for you in the first place. Everything you do is such a turn off now. You should man up and stop being such a coward. You might not consider yourself a coward because you're so full of yourself and so full of shit, but your actions are complete cowardice.

I hate liars. How can you be like that and be able to live with yourself day in and day out or be able to look at yourself in the mirror as you so do a million times a day. I expected more from you. I'm seriously disappointed in you. You weren't the person I gave you so much credit for. I told you I knew you weren't such a bad guy as your reputation precedes you as because you were so worried about how you were perceived. I told you that you don't have to explain yourself to me. I don't even know why you care so much about your reputation so much anyway. Ultimately it doesn't matter! None of it will matter after you graduate. I overestimated you and for someone like me, that good credit doesn't come by easily. And the truth is, I'm fucking angry and fucking really hurt. I was so wrong about you. I am so done with you. So done with trying to be your friend. So done with you.

I Hate This Specific Goodbye

I just got home from having a linner (lunch/dinner, late lunch early dinner) with my friend who is moving away to Hong Kong, China indefinitely and I didn't want to say goodbye, I gave him a hug goodbye and had to give him another even when I hadn't let go yet. I have known him for 3 years thus far and it's not enough. It hit me quite hard on the drive back, I'm actually astonished, I couldn't breathe. (I can breathe now thanks to my trusty self preservation that makes me so detached to everything and that works like a charm and calms me down within an hour) This guy has been there for me through it all, all the worst times and then some. He has taken care of me at my worst even when I didn't deserve it.

Even when I had first met him and we barely knew eachother he took care of me when I was wasted. He has come over to take care of me when I was seriously ill and could not get out of bed, he figured out how to break my fever, stayed the night to make sure I was okay and took my medicine (when he was without car) and even made me soup that I didn't end up eating because I was too sick. He went with me to the ER late at night when I got my cornea scratched (which believe me is the worst pain possible because your eye has a billion optic nerves, and I can take a lot of pain, but not that) and even stuck with me when I finally found a 24hr pharmacy to get my perscription. He has let me stay over and cheered me up when I needed someone there while pushing his own problems aside. I have been very selfish in our relationship. And I should've treated him better at times. I should've been a better person to him and a friend, but believe me I did the best I could when the occasion arose.

We both have had our fuck ups with eachother. He's always been selfless with me when he's been around, and when I have been around I have tried to match his selflessness, but I am an imperfect person full of flaws. During these past 3 years there was almost a year where we didn't speak because we got into a fight, and I regret the time lost because I can never get it back. We've got into several arguments that resulted in us being angry at eachother that ended up in silent treatment, and all that is time lost and I hate that. And now he's leaving. His flight is tomorrow. I don't want him to go, but he has to go and I'm seriously going to miss him. I'm sorry. Although we have both made our own fatal mistakes, I love him, he's the best person I know. And now he won't be here anymore, but at least there's email and web chatting. So ah, a silver lining.

"I'm Breaking Down, and You're Breathing Slowly"

It's an 8 today and I can hardly breathe..

but it'll pass and I'll be fine tomorrow. I always am.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN

UGH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG. I want to scream. (By the way, I'm not a usually angry person. I am mostly calm yet I'm very expressive so many ignorant fucks might just take it in as angry, when in actuality when I'm really angry I just stay absolutely quiet, but they're wrong because they're dumbasses that don't know any better, not to say that's a fucking excuse or anything, it's bullshit. I get these bursts of emotions and after a while that I have calmed down, I'm more rational and level headed, but as of right now just bear with me I'll be calm and over it in an hour) I don't know. I sort of just woke up, maybe I'm grouchy, maybe I'm pmsing, but that is highly unlikely because I just surfed the crimson wave not too long ago. How is it that a person can wake up all fine (err well sort of) and one small thing can ruin the mood. I woke up just fine and then something offsets my universal balance and it is grating ON MY FUCKING NERVES right now almost as if I were pmsing. It's so fucking irritating. One snide remark (I can't fucking stand the way people speak to people in terms of how they can say certain things) that was fucking completely undeserved if you ask me (and I'm a pretty good judge of character) because I didn't fucking do anything or do anything fucking wrong! When I've been nothing but unconditionally nice and genuine. I'm always openminded and understanding until one of the other party fucks it up. In which case the filtering system is utilized, but one of my flaws is being too fucking nice so I give too many fucking chances. Well fuck me. The remark came off to me as purely BITCH. Plain and simple, no reading between the lines.

WHAT THE FUCK. This is why I choose not to deal with people cause they're so fucking stupid. I feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people all the fucking time. It's so fucking annoying. It may be just so hard to believe but goddamn people are fucking idiots. Good job ruining my mood and day off. Thanks motherfucker.

Old Habits Definitely Die Hard

So.. old habits meaning drugs. I smoke cigarettes (Marlboros please and there is no such thing as "quitting," you either do smoke or you don't. People that are "non-smokers" smoke too sometimes. So what of that?) and drink alcohol like it's water on occasion, but those don't count as drugs to me. (I don't really smoke cigarettes anymore because they're bad for you, but I do love them, but sometimes I'm on the fence because they disgust me. I'm a very fickle minded person. Before a week ago of my jilting I hadn't bought my own pack for almost 4 months and I only smoke when inebriated but often I don't smoke or it's just a drag and not a whole cigarette. It depends, but most of the time I don't smoke. I'm practically not labeled in the category of smoker anymore, unfortunately) I have a slight substance abuse problem.

I said slight. It only means when I start, most times I don't want to stop. But let's all face the cold, hard real facts; drugs are great. No? Hahaha YES. And I'm young. I know the detriments and harmful adverse effects. For me it isn't a phase, just merely experimentation and I like to be sober and clean. (No really, I do assholes) But I do like to have fun once in a while and why shouldn't I be able to and I do know that I should not do drugs. My body is not the type to withstand drugs. I don't exactly how the strongest body physically in terms of immunity and I was born with a heart murmur but thankfully it closed up on it's own once I hit my adolescence. But if it was strong as an ox like most people I so admire, then I would definitely live it up. But unfortunately, for some odd reason, my body is not strong enough and I get the worst comedowns which is the reason why I'm kind of over drugs now. Not to mention I have a huge conscience, so it makes me feel bad afterwards and sort of guilty.

It's hard to explain. And if I could smoke cigarettes without it harming my body, I would be a chain smoker. But they are bad for me and you. I have experimented with the obvious, marijuana, and others such as ecstasy, coke, and on one occasion I railed xanax, but does that really count as a drug? I just like to rail stuff. I don't like weed at all, I don't like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel slow and stupid and I don't like how it trips me out. I get very paranoid when I don't have immediate mobility to my body. And it screws with my vision; I hate when I can't see clearly. I haven't done coke in a while, but if it was around I probably would. But I don't like the comedown because of the tweak I can't sleep afterwards and I don't like the body high. Mostly these days I just do E occasionally. But when I do too much in a night, I get the worst come downs. If I'm not well rested before or if it's three or more pills a night, (Mind you I don't do it often, it's probably once a month or once every few months but even that I am trying to stop) then when I get up too quickly from sitting, I black out for a moment and faint. Just for a moment. It is bad and I hate it. And my body feels terrible and unwell and I want to throw up because maybe that would make me feel better, but it doesn't and I don't smoke weed to make me feel better because I don't like weed. And I can't sleep so it's a terrible feeling and I feel out of sorts for the whole day. And I hate the fact that I wasted all that time doing drugs because it's so highly unproductive and I hate feeling unproductive. It makes me feel like shit. Again it's a conscience thing. That is the reason why I don't want to do drugs anymore.

But after all that said. I really am over drugs. I don't want to do it anymore. I like being clean and sober. It's a good feeling. It makes me feel good. I'm tired of doing stupid shit all the time. Because it's not me; it's not who I am. I feel like I'm over it and maybe it's the whole growing up thing. I feel like there is just so much more than that. I'm old enough (fuck, we're all old enough) to be able to filter out who and what I want in my life and who and what I don't want in my life. And I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job, but I know there is always a grey area because as shitty and as cliche as it sounds. life is fucking messy. For me it was never a phase. I believe in trying things because it is your life and you only live once, but try and never get caught up in it. Sometimes I feel like I'm living too much in the fast lane and it scares me. Too fast and I might disappear or drift away. Bad things happen all the time and I have the worst luck. I've done way too much stupid shit to think if I continue to do it that I can make it out unscathed. Sometimes i figure what the hell and I just don't care. So I end up doing it again and then I kick myself in the ass asking myself why did I do it. It's because sometimes I just don't give a shit. Do the extreme to feel alive right? To escape from reality. It's such a cowardly thing, but it's true.

All this brings me to the fact that I may be dropping once again soon with friends as a last tribute hurrah. But I don't really want to take E. I want to be there because it will be a big group of good people who are my friends, but I would more so rather drink. I mean I have already made sure I'm good and ready, but I don't know. I probably will end up doing it, but even as I'm typing all this down, it's bringing back feelings of why I want to run away from drugs and never do anything again. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see when the time comes. I often envy people with strong bodies because they can take so much without having adverse effects, but as healthy as I am, I still can't because of the bad resulting effects drugs leave on me. It all makes me feel physically awful, sometimes even cigarettes make me feel like shit. I don't think my body is cut out to consume drugs. It's sad, but maybe it's a good thing too because who knows how I would end up if I were one of those people I am envious of. I don't think I would be so proud of myself then. And as I've said, I like the fact that I seem to be breaking away from this drug realm or that I have a strong desire to be rid of it all. It makes me feel good and isn't that what's important in growth development and significant to me trying to be a better person or more so the best person I can be?

I Don't Do Mondays, But Sushi Always Picks Me Up

Yeah, the title of this post is pretty much self explanatory. I am not really disciplined in doing the things I am supposed to on a regular basis such as things regarding school. Well mainly pertaining to the subject of school. Work related things are different because it's a different kind of work ethic and I shine in those situations. I have different mentalities for different situations. As for school I'm basically considered a slacker (but in terms of never showing up to class but I get my shit done and I don't half ass, I used to be a slacker until I started getting good at it which wasn't up until my third year of college. I mean I was good in high school but I like to have fun so priorities change. But really, leave it to me that when I finally get good at school, I'll be shortly leaving it when I graduate in Spring 2010. I know right, go me! Although I've seemed to have aquired better study habits and slight motivation with the aspirations to learn, (I think it's because the first two years for general requirements are crap and the last two are when you finally start learning what you're supposed to be learning for your degree, profession, and career aspirations) sometimes the occasional feeling of my slacker days comes back to tempt me.

Anyway I ramble. So the point was I did not want to get out of bed today. But I don't want to fuck up now. I have too much to lose and my grades are very much getting better so much to say that I am getting quite proud of myself. I used to freak out and feel so ashamed about my grades, but I'm doing quite well now. So a motherfucking pat on the back for me yeah! Haha.

Strangest thing about me. I like being up early but I like staying up late. I hate being tired, but I'm tired all the time and all I ever want to do is sleep. I like to sleep but I hate wasting the time sleeping. I like to be up when no one else is up. It's a nice alone time for me when no one bothers me. Most of the time I feel like there are so many obligations pulling at me and I end up hermiting and therefore feeling the need to block everyone and everything out. Hence the ignoring thing I do.

I woke up and I was just fucking my life and cursing the world. I get really grouchy (Mind you, I'm the type of person who ignores everything until after I have brushed my teeth and washed my face. Not to say that I don't ignore people in general because I do) when I'm tired or when I'm hungry. Haha. So even before I stepped out of bed, I immediately was already looking forward to after 4 when my class would be over so that I wouldn't have to continue channeling my back up energy I have on reserve in situations such as these. That may not make any sense, but you know, I am a one of a kind genius. :D Not everyone can be a rockstar like me. Haha. (Aside from my dark and twisty demeanor, that isn't all who I am. I am very multifaceted and quite a delight to have around. :D I got jokes.)

Anyway, so class is finally over and I love that feeling because it's so relaxing afterwards and then you can just let it all hang out. Today I have decided to break away from my hermit routine and rejoin the human race. Not only will I be just hanging out, but also I will be having dinner as well. And I have to say, I am pretty excited, but mainly for the food. Haha I love sushi. It's a beautiful thing and wasabi makes everything better. Foreals.

*Side Note: Ever since I have started this blog, for the strangest reason and I don't know why, but I've started to feel emotionally better. Sometimes even light and happy. I don't know. Maybe it's liberation tied with relief, but something has definitely begun in me and is happening. Maybe the whole finally being openminded and able to just talk honestly the fact that this blog is sort of anonymous definitely does help. I feel like this way if people judge me, it won't matter because they don't know who I am or who this blog belongs to. (Well except for the few friends I have actually shared my blog link to, and I am worried when they have access to my blog, but at the same time it's like I'm slowly beginning to just maybe not care, but definitely just be whatevers about it all) But in a disgustingly mushy way, it seems to be playing a huge part in my personal growth development. Meh.

Whatevers, I'M EXCITED FOR SUSHI SUCKAAS!


heehee they're also candles. (: cute huh?

A Bit of Ugliness

I'm slightly buzzzz. Just ever so slightly, but often times when I am, my emotions get heightened. so here are my thoughts.

Why does it seem like I can never be good enough for anything whether it be as a daughter or even object of interest? Okay let's be real, I know I'm great. To each one their own potential. Yet it doesn't seem like I am ever good enough ever for anything. Maybe it's the way first generation asians have been brought up with their immigrant parents. And let's face it, immigrants (regardless of ethnicity) live in a world than the privileged do in this country. Nothing is every good enough because the expectations are unattainable.

(The party was great tonight by the way. It was fun and nothing more than what I had anticipated. Fun and different shit.)

Okay well at first the party was awkward. (This is being written at 2:30pm the next day after I have woken up and sort of reflected) It sort of felt like when I, the only asian there (well at the moment until later another girl came but she was a friend already so it was different), walked in, that I sort of rained on their parade. The party was filled with assholes, but fortunately for me, I can very well maneuver assholes to my will. After some alcohol intake preceded, it was fun. Haha until the shit talk began. Men with their egos getting bruised that the little asian girl is kicking their asses in beer pong and then the motherfuckers have the nerve to get all racist. But you know what it was okay. (well it had to be, I was a guest and my mama raised me right, and not to mention that I'm am so much better than that) And let me tell you, it got riDICKulous, but you know I'm good at being an asshole, it's sort of one of my expertises. So i fought fire with fire WITHOUT being racist. (Well until the girls who were their friends said that it was okay if I were and to be racist)

Okay so I was a little racist, ('cause shit, I can hang son! I can not only take it, I can motherfucking dish it out too, partly from my upbringing with mostly males and not females- but that's another story for you kids) but only after taking so much of their immature low blows. The things that I said were all surface and not even harsh things that butthurt men, or should I say BOYS, because men are supposed to be mature and diginified to be priviledged to be called men (whatever if you want to implement ideologies and what not). I was slightly racist, but it was about dumb things. There is a certain line to be drawn. There is grey area, but in terms of the right thing to say at the right time, or the wrong thing to say. There is a very fucking fine line. And the thing is I fucking knew that shit was going to happen. The fact that I was the different one from the beginning of the party. I fucking knew it. I'm a very intuitive person and I work off of vibes from people. I think I got that from my father if you want to talk spiritual (not in a religious sense, one can be spiritual without involving religion). But I fucking knew something like that was going to happen.

Frankly, people are assholes, but thank god for those that aren't and for that, it makes the world a better and beautiful place. And thank god for the man that brought me to the party because he was nothing but nice and respectable. It just goes to show that even if your friends ARE assholes, you don't have to jump on the freaking bandwagon. I don't understand how groups of people sometimes are all the same. I can understand similar interests, but to be an asshole because your friends are? So what does that make you in terms of a person?

Moral of the story here goes kids is (oh my god how lame is this and how lame am I for saying this, but free association in a warped way suckers take that!) it's better to be who you are without the expectations of others. Sooner or later if you buy into all that crap just to seek approval and validation just because you guys are "bros" or that he's your motherfucking "boy!" (this also applies to other instances not including men of course), you're going to wake up one day and realize that everything is shit and that you're completely lost. And I realize most of you geniuses out there like myself already know this, but the sad thing is, there are many, MANY stupid people out there.

A First Post Without Having the Necessarily Unnecessary Explanations (err.. well sorta. i'm working on it.)

So, this is actually the first post I am writing that is not filled with precursory explanation for you. Where I don't feel like I need to explain myself beforehand before I divulge something possibly considered as morose or whatever it is your choose to take it in as.

I woke up around 1pm today when I slept around 5am last night. For some odd reason I woke up sort of a bit more lighthearted. I feel like this blog is really the start of something new and that it could possibly help me to become better emotionally. Haha if that even makes any sense. I'm sure it does in a way with the whole you know "just talking about it out loud (sort of) is a step towards recovery" bullshit. Most days I live my life at a 6.5 out of 10 on the miserable/pain scale. Some days an 8 or 7. Hmm makes me sound so pathetic, but you can't help how you feel regardless of how absurd they may even come off to yourself.

Today is a bit of a good day for I am going to a party tonight, but a very different one with people I don't know. I am going with a friend that I haven't known for too long, but I am going nonetheless. I prefer challenges, in fact I love them and chase them. Everyone always says that they hate going to parties where they don't know anyone, but for me, I actually welcome it. For whatever reason that is beyond me, I able to work well within a crowd. It just comes easy for me.

So as from my previous entry, I exposed about my problems in the relationship department. And unfortunately I am in the process of "healing" if one would call it that. I have been jilted once again by a so called stereotypical asshole. I always seem to get involved with the wrong guys that are clearly not right for me and that I am clearly aware of the situation. But because I have absolutely no discipline when it comes to matters of the heart and I am a sucker, I tend to do what I want at that moment knowing the risks and consequences at stake that will come later. It's like I know what mistake I'm making and that I choose to deal with them later when that time actually comes even though I know how hard I take the truth.

So yes, I have been jilted once again and I should have fucking known better, but sometimes, well most times, I just don't care. It's like I do things for instant gratification no matter how destructive they may be while completely disregarding my own sage advice of "what you want isn't necessarily what's good for you." Yes it all very much sucks, but what keeps me sane (besides the concrete stuff like music and books) is my own self preservation. The very first time I was jilted, it being my first love and all that (you all know what I mean about first loves and disaster and that it never ends well), I felt like I was going to die, but I eventually got over it. Wonderful. Yet, I get jilted time and time again, but luckily it isn't so bad. The way I see it is, it may royally suck, but it doesn't feel like I am dying. And mind you, I have felt like I have been dying, but since every time after does not feel like that, then logically I am okay and/or will be okay. My self preservation is quite a powerful one that it even amazes me sometimes, but I also have the unrelenting hope (I suppose it's more of an innate reasoning) that never wavers and I can't get rid of that because sometimes I wish I could so that I could be that person who really and absolutely doesn't give a shit about anything. (I envy those people that are able to do whatever they want regardless of the consequences) But I suppose that this innate reasoning of hope is the only thing that is keeping me from being seriously clinically depressed and suicidal.

Meh. With all that said, we shall see what happens tonight. I'm somewhat excited and anxious, but to be frank, what can really be expected? And why am I excited when it will probably just be a party no more no less? Because of that stupid hope and faith that life is so much more than this shitty feeling. That in the end it's good, and if it's not good then it's not the end.

Getting Dirty With My Masochistic Tendencies

To anyone that is simply coming across my blog, my admitting of masochistic preferences would probably be seen as a cry for attention or whatever it is that people do to come off as dramatic. I awkwardly laugh because as I read my admitted thoughts, it gives off the same effect to me as well, but whether you choose to believe me or not, you don't know me enough to judge me. Yet, sadly enough, as much as I can say that I really don't care what you think, why is it that I do? It's pretty pathetic right? How we have this mentality ingrained from almost birth our need for approval and validation from the world. And why is it that we always have to feel the need to explain ourselves regardless if anyone even really matters? Yeah okay, whatever, before I digress again and launch into another random thought stemmed from another random thought, my intentions are to have a space where I can express my thoughts no matter how ludicrous they come off as.

I started this blog because I want to say whatever it is I feel without having to censor or inhibit thoughts that sometimes I think are crazy and yet as I am typing out my words right now, I still can't seem to be able to really say what I want to say about myself. But I guess I should jump into it head on. Mentally prepare yourself, you have been warned for something I don't even know how to describe, but it's something.

I feel like there is something wrong with me and my emotions are so awfully ridiculous that all I ever want to do is just sleep because it's better than being awake. I feel like I have all these deep rooted issues that sink into my heart and I become sad when I see other unfortunate things. I'm too fucking empathetic and I really wish I didn't care so much. I'm pretty good at being detached but I'm not good enough to completely not care about anything, which pretty much is my main goal to achieve. I feel like I want to cry all the time and most of the time I can't because I am not physically able to. Like even when I try hard to cry because maybe that would give me some kind of relief to just let something out, nothing comes out. I have two moods: high and low. I'm like a fucking emotional rollercoaster.

As for my masochistic tendencies, I like physical pain because, for obvious reasons proved by psychiatrists and researchers we hear from broadcasting on tv or the radio or health centers, it makes me feel better and happy. How twisted is that right? I have this preference for self mutilation. There's just something bout receiving a wound and wanting it to be as worse as it can be. Daring yourself to cut deeper and feeling the pleasure and pride that you're able to go deeper. Somehow it makes me feel better and I don't know why. Most people like seeing it heal, but to be honest, I actually get sad when it heals. Or maybe I'm on the fence about that. I don't know. I've been told that when you get cut, chemically speaking, your brain sends out endorphines or some other chemical to make you feel good. So huh, maybe that's one reason.

I haven't cut myself for about 5 years, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm cured. There are other ways. I went through a piercings phase and I have a thing for tattoos. Also, I like to give blood. I'd like to say it's for the cause, but really it's because they put a huge needle in me and I get to see the blood come out and I bruise afterward. Most people are afraid of needles and that kind of pain, but in some morbid way, I welcome it. For some distorted reason, I actually take pleasure in it and it makes me feel better for a while. I started cutting myself when I was in third grade. (Which I won't get into just yet.) I know, this sounds like bullshit, but it's my word against yours and my word is that whatever I blog about is all truth. Hence everything sort of being anonymous. (My profile and everything) But hey if you choose not to believe it then fuck you, you don't know me and this is my blog so GTFO.

I am the kind of person who is constantly trying to improve themselves on a day to day basis. I can't stand people who are okay with being a bad person. (By the way excuse me if my thoughts don't transition well. My thoughts tend to be rather sporadic so please bear with me.) The way I see it is, if you can make yourself out to be your best potential, then why wouldn't you want to do that? Why wouldn't you want to be the best person you could possibly be? I can't understand how people out there can have no conscience in anything they do and that they're okay with being cruel or so low moraled. Anyway, so during my progressions on development, I am constantly evaluating and reevaluating myself. I am my own worst and hardest critic and it's a terrible thing.

I go through a cycle. I am mostly closed off and when I choose to let people, or more like someone in (I am speaking about someone from the opposite sex in terms of a potential relationship) , I, as much as I hate to fucking admit it, get attached and I hate it. I am not the type of girl who gets emotional. I am the type of girl who is basically one of the guys and can hang with them. I do not normally get along with girls because they grate on my nerves with their incessant prattling about superficial petty things that aren't going to matter 5 years down the world let alone 6 months down the road. But, when I start to choose to like someone, it's instant and detrimental. I do not like men easily and in fact I am quite picky, so like the common flaw, when I do like someone (and many times it is often out of your control), it is fast and I fall hard. My cycle is that I am attracted to assholes and we all know nothing good can come out of that. The result is that I end up "heartbroken" and it absolutely is ridiculous crap. Pure crap.

My problem is that I can never just let myself be happy. I am not able to get close to someone anymore. Even when someone comes into my physical bubble, I instinctively step back. And I can't stand being touched sometimes unless it is someone I am close to or someone I consider to be my significant other. Very often I also find myself fucking shit up so that I end up unhappy. Who knows why I do that. Because I know no other way to be? For me the bottom has always fallen out of everything. Things always go to shit. I have huge abandonment issues. Everyone I love always leaves in one way shape or form. (I'm not kidding) I've never had anyone substantially and consistently there for me. There hasn't been a time where I can remember someone there for me. If they were there, they ended up disappearing of course. (Of course right, story of my life)

The strongest memory I have when I was little was me crying all the time because my parents were never home. (Hm maybe that's why I can't physically cry anymore) And it is still as such. I live in a household where no one is ever home. I am always alone and it's caused me to have had to grow up quickly and it explains my very independent manner. It's not my parents' fault. And I am in no way placing any blame on them. I've been so fortunate enough for their care and upbringing and to have the things and opportunities I have and have had for they work their asses off and have always just so their children never have to grow up the way they had to. And I never forget that or take it for granted. But with all of that trying to achieve the "American Dream," as any other first generation daughter or son from an immigrant family that understand and share my sympathies and feelings, it does certainly create its own skeletons in the closet. And believe me there are a ton of deep rooted issues that are all entangled with each other to create bigger problems.

But I know I'm looking for that one person. I desperately want and need that one person who is going to be my "knight in shining whatever" (oh my god I can't believe I just typed that haha! But I'm way too lazy to think of a better term) and take away all the bad and pain that I've ever had to feel or endure. I feel like I just need one. One who is not going to run away when I get too difficult. I have a cycle, I put all my expectations into these guys that I meet hoping that something will be different, but it never is and I am crushed over and over again. But in all true form "I am okay," only because I have to be because there is no other way. Shit happens and you get over it. There is no sense in dwelling on things that have already happened because there is nothing that can be done; shit's already happened. Most of my statements are slightly vague, but maybe I'll get to them in due time if I let myself. For the meantime a vague statement is enough; the fact that something has been said is quite a feat for me. Typing all this out is already making myself vulnerable enough, but yet I am doing it.

I am afraid that there is really something wrong with me and most of the time I live in the moment and do things for the high of it just so I don't have to really feel how miserable I really am. And I can't believe I have truthfully typed out what I have typed out in this second blog, but here it is.