Inhale

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
It is not the end of the world.
You will endure.
Like you have for this long, before.
This has happened to you.
You have gotten through it before.
And you will again.
Don't freak out.
Do not, freak out.
You can do this.
Stop.

As human beings, we learn to endure.

The Silver Blade

Catharsis, thank you.

Relapse.

I really have nobody. 

What's the point of living.

Take it back, take it all back now. All the things I gave, like the scent of my kiss on your lips.

I feel like I'm going to lose my shit today.

In Dreams May Come

I have been having some really uncomfortable dreams lately. Not good. What do you do when you want to sleep and stay in bed, all the time but your dreams are awful? Waking life already unbearable and you know my solace and unconscious state is too.

How am I going to get through today.

Please keep my heart from breaking

Appreciation

Thank you chemical gods for letting today be better.

Utterly Unbearable

It's 11pm here in Southern California and even after the great work out I had at the gym, all I can think about still is crawling up into a little ball and dying. Well, that and ripping all of my flesh off. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Today

Adjusting is never an easy thing.
Whatever goes up, must come down. Newton definitely had it right.
It's always an internal struggle. It's so hard to be so happy one day and then for absolutely no reason at all feel so fucking out of control the next day. My entire body is screaming and in pain. My tear ducts are aching to be released. Anything.

Anything for some relief. A moment of peace.

How do you keep going? I have to remind myself to breathe.
All of the time.

I told my mother, she said, "Why is it that whenever you go out, the next day you end up like this?"

It isn't as simple as that. She still doesn't get the constant ups and downs. Just because one day is good, doesn't mean it ensures lasting good days. If you get lucky, you get a couple of days.

It's always a roller coaster ride that never ends. It ends when you die.

 I go out when I'm feeling well. And I don't when I ache. Easy as that.

Everything is simple, but not. Obviously. The universe is twisted and likes to play entirely too much. It takes pleasure in doing so, it loves the thrill.

I have been researching in to treatment facilities specifically for bipolar disorder. It might be time to seek help that I can't give myself. Two years of medication and I'm still looping. My body is its own universe. It's like the world with its own living communities and politics. They battle just like on earth. They fight dirty and contain as many diverse beings as any realm. I am a whole bunch of people, encased in to this one body.

My eyes are hollow today.
I want to ram my car into the wall while driving today.
I feel like ripping my own skin and flesh off today.
Digging all of my fingernails into the palms of my hands, today.
Closing my eyes, trying to shut out all the pain today.
Taking deep breaths in hopes of remaining calm today.
My heart hurts, so much, today.
My fucking senses today.
Internally running wild today.
I hope that it is only, for today.



Hope you all are fairing way better today than I am.
Cheers, lovers.

Agh!!!!

Yesterday, a good mild happy manic place. Today, still mellow and good, but dragging a bit. Life's pretty amazing at the moment, except for the chemicals fucking each other inside me. I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. Whyyyyy.

I just need to write for a little while.

Miss Eyre

“I can live alone, if self-respect, and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.”

Excerpt

I don't understand why I'm trying so hard to "live", to "survive".

I don't even know if I want to. 

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think: how am I going to make it?

How do people do this?

I figured out the reason why I have been trying, it's because of everyone else.

The pressure.

Because everyone else is fed up. And it's still never about what I want. It's who they would rather me be.

I could care less.

Temporary

The only thing the takes the constant pain away is sleep, but that's never long enough.

Wet

(: I love it when it rains. Cheers, lovers.