With Love, I Can't

I'm sorry. I don't think it's possible for me to get close to anyone anymore. Even as I try, I always end up hitting this huge wall. I meet all these potential guys (I know, it's actually ridiculous just how many guys I happen to meet and complicate on a regular basis which is ironic considering my horrible luck and experience with love and lust) and I end up purposely ruining each and every one of the relationships out of my own nitpicking. I intentionally find faults in everything just so I have an excuse to flee and push anything that wants to get close to me away. Every time someone new gets close, I immediately retreat back into my comfort zone despite all the progress I've made. It's like something sends up warning signals within me and I just stop. I'm so used to being independent and only relying on myself because the bottom always always falls out, that I don't think I have the capability of really trusting anyone ever again. I can't. I just end up feeling super vulnerable, all the time- it fills me with this heavy sense of off insecurity that doesn't come from any superficially bounded region. It's just a self-perpetuating feeling of extreme uneasiness that I cannot explain. Like today. Anytime I get remotely close to any sort of succeeded happiness or chance, I close up and my timidity plays out in full force. A force field emerges and I just am physically unable to possess any sort of executable ability for human attachment. And it just makes me want to disappear and disconnect with the world. I want to be able to trust, but it's like a literal barrier preventing me from ever advancing. It's awfully initial and instinctive, it occurs within me without me even conjuring it.

I want to be able to open up, but I don't know. Not even you as you have slowly worked your way into my life without me having known or it realized it til just recently, you're amazing and you've always been amazing. Our relationship is easy and open. You've always been so patient and completely non-judgmental with me and I can't believe I never realized it that you were there the entire time. You even knowingly accept and understand my crazy factor; you embrace it rather than try to fight or change it- me.

Everyone wants to change me, but you like me just the way I am, craziness, whimsical, insecure, unsteady wreck as it is. I realized it too late, it actually hit me out of no where- as things usually and always do, when I already let all the damage effectively affect me. But as it hit me, I wished that I had never came to realize it.

You make me feel safe in my perpetually vulnerable felt skin. But that doesn't mean I want to become attached to any person again. Nor does it mean I want to let myself completely rely and trust anyone again  either. It's too easy to lose yourself (myself) when you (I) do. And I don't ever want to lose myself again nor continue to do so.

I'm not ready- I'm sorry. Hopefully it'll all work out one day. You read me so well and we know each other too well. So just give it time. Because that's what I really need. The thing is, I don't know what I want, at all. Really. Having to make any sort of decision in anything frightens me to intense measures. I'm too all over the place. And anything going remotely slow is still going too fast for me, so I'm just going to need a lot more time than we both had ever understood. but it'll all work out eventually. This isn't how life is supposed to stay.