Dis, Interest

I'll manage to get up one day, feel like I can do it, and then the next day when it comes time to get up, I just can't. And everything happens all over again. It's a neverending hateful, guilt-full, redundant-full, and loathed-full cycle of which I can't ever seem to get rid of. All this pointless redundancy is so excruciating to bear. I walk around everyday a shell of a person. It's like I'm already dead; I'm a full on live ghost, just waiting. Waiting for this whole thing to pass.

I've lost all interest in everything that interests me. I'm filled with a complete nonchalance that I can't explain. I just don't care about anything anymore. I can't seem to even pick up a book because that act bores me now, watching tv is now boring, I can't seem to motivate myself for anything, can't even make myself get out of bed to get ready for the day. I just don't want or care to do anything. On top of all that, I am completely indecisive. I can't seem to make a decision on any matter, minuscule or big, so save my life. It's maddening. Ugh. I'm so all over the place, so inconsistent and spazzy.

This is very bad and dangerous. To be blatantly and genuinely honest, I was literally seconds away from calling a suicide hotline late last friday night, well technically saturday in the a.m. but who's getting technical, but I couldn't find a right designated number. Stupid I know, but true. This is really bad and I so hate the complete dramatics of it. Milliseconds away from self harm, seconds away from popping a whole bunch of pills I do have, seconds away from a car accident had the thought of how much the clean up would cost never crossed my mind. So you see, cutting is the least dangerous and most minor outlet of all, out of all the rest. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about my actions, and you really shouldn't be angry at me for doing so. Because it all could be a lot worse. Hanging by a thread, I could disappear at any moment.

I woke up the next morning, of course as always, feeling like a fool for the indulging of dramatics. Why does everything always have to be so damn dramatic? Even when it's out of complete earnest? It's so stupid, but you deal. And of course the feeling of foolishness is always countered with immense retreat. At least those are my own tactics. They're always countered with a flight tactic as to try maintain equilibrium within the body and mind and what follows is what I have now- complete disinterest. It's the process and mechanics of my mind. I have a complete lack of interest in anything.

The only thing I ever want to do is sleep and even that is a difficult task because it takes me forever to fall asleep. I must've laid in bed for hours last night, fully exhausted but unable to doze off. My mind is driving me insane, it never turns off and I want it to so bad. This transition period is so bad. The reason I am not on the great enablers of SSRI's is because my doctor won't put me in them. He says they work too well, so well in fact that when one stops taking them, because that is the wanted result- to be able to function without meds, you know, recovery, a person drops back down again. Thus leading to having to be put back on the meds again. I don't care, I'll take whatever pills, I just want to get out of this transition period where I feel so useless. I'm so goddamn useless right now. And I really cant do a physically active thing about it, except wait for it to hopefully pass before I ruin my life.