Hesitations Part Deux

And then he calls me at 2:30ish in the morning after I have given up on him again.
We started talking again this week because of one of your phone calls.
You wanted to know why we stopped talking; you always want to know. You always want to know everything.
There are so many things I want to just simply say to you, but I find myself unable to.

Strange that being so outspoken most of the time I am thus rendered silent around you now.
I can't seem to find the right words when I am with you anymore because all I want to say are the things I can't say. Partially, my conscience is in the way because I don't want it to be another burden for you and the other part is the obvious chicken shit fear of love non-reciprocated.

I don't know if our timing will ever be right and if our issues will ever be mended to complete satisfaction.

I can only hope.

Hesitations

I really don't know if I can do this any longer.. and you keep wondering why we always stop talking.
Because I've been trying to let you go and with good reason, but obviously it hasn't been working.

Maturing Backwards

I swear, sometimes my mother is so juvenile I often wonder who is the child and who is the parent. I probably haven't said it enough before, but my parents are overtly critical, especially about looks, and say things in ways that can be said in a better and more approachable way.

Let me share something ridiculous that happened just this morning.

For my usual make up regime, all I do is apply pencil eyeliner to the top and bottom of my eyelids and then a coat of mascara. Filling in the spaces of my too short eyebrows are a given. I don't ever put "make up" make up or foundation on my face unless it is a special event. All in all, I would say that my look is more than fairly natural for I feel that my face cannot take a lot of make up because it makes me feel like a clown.

So all my life I have been sort of a tomboy where I get along better with the guys and what not. I would be the girl in the dress running around all mischievous with the guys while being told to "act like a girl". (bought into missed up ideologies of course) And therefore all my life ever since I was old enough to consider the superficiality and materiality of looks, my mother has always wanted me to put make up on because "it would make [me] look better."

Real great for the self esteem when you're a young child growing up in shallow ass Southern California right?

Anyway so my mother likes light prettily colored eyeshadows. And don't get me wrong, I love them too, but I have already gone through my colorful eyeshadow phase when I used to play around and experiement with different applications. Now I have come to develop my own look and understand my own preferences to the way I am most comfortable looking and knowing when I feel what is my best.

So ever since I stopped wearing eyeshadow often, she has been telling me that she wants me to put on eyeshadow because she thinks it will look better. But I don't want to.
And so today was no different from other days.

Except when she really stressed just how much she didn't like my application method. She emphasized just how much she hated my look and that it made me look so so ugly. Gee, thanks mother.

I blatantly, yet politely of course, refused and defended my own confidence in my own choices. I'm 21 for god's sake. (I usually do the same, but for some reason whether it be circumstances from menopause or just have a really immature mother, it created a rift in the morning air)

And all of a sudden she threw a fit. You know those motherly fits where they use the weapon of torturous raked guilt known as the silent treatment with the look of a thousand unhappy deaths.
She just stopped talking after I told her no and that my simple eyeliner and mascara was what I preferred and came to be comfortable with because I liked the contrast it gave my pale skin. I think that is when I look my best. I feel that colored eyeshadow just obstructs the light and dark contrasts and the naturalness my face can only seem to take. I am old enough to understand and have confidence in myself. It has taken me a long time to come to where I am now, and I am still not whole.

And so she just fell silent. Actually she kept silent and gave me a burning disdainful look and then ignored me.
And I even tried again, as I often do after she gives me the immature silent treatment which I can never serve back to her because of the dutiful daughter situation. And as I politely tried again to get a lighthearted morning response to her, she remained silent.

What a bunch of bullshit.

So I just calmly replied in Chinese (loosely translated of course), "So you're that kind of person." And left to go about my day. (for might I add I was having a spectacular morning; happy friday it is indeed and I guess I woke up on the right side of the bed today even though the other side is pinned up against the wall)

I mean she's almost 51 years old and she's still acting like this. I don't know why there's always a naive and ignorant China/Taiwan complex that always happens from people who have not grown up or grown accustomed to the ways of another place. (Probably because of the systems that they are governed by, I mean China even banned youtube) It's a freaking shielding massive bubble complex.

But at least with these small rifts that do happen come quick reprieves that too soon knock us back into normal routine allowing things to be as if a conflict had never even occurred in the first place.

Yep, so that was my morning. Sometimes I hate how I feel like I have matured way too quickly than I should have. But the truth is, I had to. It's not a pretty picture to paint, but reality never is.

Yet alas, it is indeed another happy Friday! Filled with loads of glistening possibilities for the wonderful weekend and dare I say future. Hope all of you are having a great day. Cheers lovers.

Lamentations

You just came to visit me at work. Before today, I hadn't seen you in I would say about 6 months. I swear I could have cut the tension with a sharp Japanese knife.

It hurts to not see or talk to you, and it hurts to be right next to you having these awkward conversations that we often do instead of saying the things we really want to say.

I miss you even when you're right next to me.

I don't even know what is on my mind right now. My mind wavers between idea and reality of what I think I want and what I want. Truth be told, I more often don't know what I want rather than am certain of what I want.

After seeing you, I am left with a bittersweet sensation.
I didn't want you to go.

But I am also in a huge dilemma with myself.
I can't stand how bad you are with your phone. I really can't. It drives me even more crazy than I already am. And that is what makes me lose my confidence. That is what keeps up the walls I have formed to protect myself. That is what makes me think that I may not really be all that important to you as you say I am.

We always beat around the bush and speak around the words we try to communicate.

The worst part is that I don't even know what is real. I don't even know how you really feel. All that I have is the enormous weight of intuition that continuously circulates in my brain.

I always carry that fear with me that I think too much of our relationship and that you really don't think the same way and in fact think less. Though you've told me before almost the same sentiments that I have told of you about being that special person in the back of your mind, but I feel like my convictions have been more communicated. Even if you don't believe them.

And I'm scared your feelings are really just merely platonic. Because mine are not.

I want more with you. I want to be with you. I want a chance.

I can't just be your friend.

But given all of the difficult circumstances and major complications we have, I feel like I'll never get that chance. I know I messed up my chance in the beginning, and then you got a girlfriend 3 years ago of whom you're still with as to this way. But, I've been patiently waiting 4 years for you. And I'm still waiting. Sometimes when I don't even know it, I am waiting for you.

If you only really knew.

My fear is that you do know, but that you're really not interested. I've given you many opportunities. Either that or you're just too scared to let yourself become vulnerable. Actually no, that is true, because we're almost exactly the same in our aspects of fear of vulnerability and barriers of defense mechanisms. And I am really scared that I am way overestimating your emotions for me and that this is all in my head. Am I missing something? I know I can't be that stupid.

You see? I really don't know what to believe. And as we were in such close proximity to each other, I found myself insanely not able to look you dead in the eyes as you do in mine. When you look at me I feel like you see me. Almost like I see myself through your eyes. And I guess that scares me too.

So we just end up trying to fill in the awkward spaces the tension creates with filler conversation as I fall even deeper with you into the realm of impossibility.

Ghosts Part Duex

So he called me yesterday night just out of the blue. I'll admit that I am happy- butterflies in my stomach happy; something I haven't had in a long time- but I am also hesitant. I don't know how much more I can take of me trying to let him go and then him resurfacing back in my life if he just ends up disappearing again. I mean he's that one for me. (mind you, I didn't say the one; there's a difference)

There are so many underlying complications and timing issues that are always in the way and this exception makes it no different. And I can feel myself hhaving hopes again when I fear that I really shouldn't for all the uncertainty that revolves around us.

And I am too scared to go into detail about the things on my mind for fear of yet again making a fool of myself out of something I should've never taken so personally.

I think I need to start giving the guys I blog about pseudonyms. It's getting to be confusing even for me as I occasionally review what I have written in the past. Well maybe this guy won't have a pseudonym, it doesn't feel right to label him in the same category as all the douchebag rest; his name is Stephen.

This is the first time I have ever truly revealed a real name in my blog. It's scary but strangely liberating at the same time. I've worked so hard to build and maintain all of my barriers of defense mechanisms that I'm scared to open myself up.

I had let him go, thinking that maybe he didn't care all that much for me as I had supposed. And then he re-emerges back somehow. And things are different and yet always the same. But at least now I have an inkling of how much he cares for me. I just have to decide whether or not to let myself believe it.

Anyway, so we shall see.

"Don't Push Me Because I'm Close To The Edge"

Okay seriously, people with bad grammar and sentence structure as well as the wrong diction or syntax really really bother me. And I have been feeling this for quite some time now. I suppose it is not time to archive this sentiment.

I am so sick of people spelling things wrong or having incorrect usage when speaking.
I am so sick of idiots carelessly screwing up the English language out of pure ignorance.

You get what I mean right?

Like all of the words that sound the same such as your, you're, to, too, and so on that people carelessly mix up. Or even those eloquent words people choose to use to sound more intelligent but end up spelling it wrong. I mean at least look it up before you choose to use a specific words you may be unsure about. And believe me if you spell it wrong, you are unsure about it regardless if you think you know. It really really grates on my nerves because being in America, albeit I would have to say which produce almost the most ill-educated and ignorant people from the opportunities that make schooling an obligation and rule among society. (mind you I am purely speaking from an American standpoint)

I realize this may come off as quite snobbish and bitchy, but goddamn, at least take the time to not be careless about simple words that often get switched around or the correct use of tenses or even gerunds for the matter. I understand tenses can be difficult sometimes, but at least try to even adhere to a correct usage of even simple things such as adjectives. I'll let prepositions slide, but I am just speaking in terms of the most basic form of communication and human expression. I realize my English may not be completely perfect, but then again who's is completely? But at least I try.

I don't know, maybe I am too much of a striving perfectionist. No, strike that, I am. (it being one of my many flaws) Maybe it's because articulation has become quite a passion for me seeing as I chose to study English while attending university.

Or it's probably the pain it causes me to hear the English language completely butchered up by those who refuse to learn in proper when choosing to integrate themselves into an English speaking society. Not to say it's their fault, but there is always room for improvement. I mean even those from other countries that have English as a second language yet learn it, whether it be from schooling or what not, have better structure and English than those who have lived in America for their whole lives.

It really is rather pathetic.

Then again I do have a major problem with the issue of the majority of mankind (of course I mean those I seem to be surrounded by in my environment because I thoroughly know and understand just how vast and different the rest of the world is), and the harsh but seemingly true notion of being dull and often times quite ignorant and insipid. And then again, I do want to move away from where I am stuck in.

But back to my main rant, it pains me to hear a language I am well fluent in being butchered up constantly by dumbasses who seem to refuse to cease populating American society. But I guess the whole language issue was inevitable and a long time coming from the issues of my background. You know the whole being put into SAT school at 2nd grade. (it's an Asian thing; hell I was put into preschool at 18 months) Also, being the interpreter for my parents ever since I can remember: having to read things for them and always be on my game about spelling things out and constantly defining unknown words to them and all that jazz. Sometimes I hate being the dutiful Chinese daughter because my older brother sure as hell won't do it. Chinese culture is all about duty, honor, tradition, and obligation -among other things of course. And don't get me wrong, I love my culture, but sometimes it is so infuriating.

Yeah, so just a burst of rage on a Tuesday morning. I know for a fact my nerves and hormones are wearing thin and driving me crazy. But the great thing about venting and putting everything somewhere else, so you don't have to keep it all in your head, is the emotional and mental catharsisI get which ultimately transfers into a liberating high. It's a good feeling. Kind of like when you clean out your room and throw a bunch of things away. Feels pretty good.

Skadoosh!

Soooo, I've fully embraced my carefree and nonchalant demeanor and am feeling pretty goooood. Which is pretty good if I may say so myself because I would rather not care about anything then care about anything.

Hope everyone is having a fantastic Monday!

Yeah Okay Lightheartedness

Dude, so time and time again I often come back full circle to my original thoughts.

That I really don't want to deal with anything.

And I am glad for it.
It may come off as a sign of avoidance, but I just want to do away with all of it and be carefree. I am so sick of the craziness I can't seem to help.
Why so serious?

Definite Frightening Uncertainties

Definitely.

So my guy friend, who I have known for a while and have always thought to be in the special category, revealed to me tonight July 10, 2010 of his feelings for me. (Which is my thought this action is said to be rather miraculous and quite incendiary)

And I had to admit, of course under inebriated pretenses (alcohol of course) of my slight feelings for him and what not. (Thoroughly scared out of my wits by the way)

And not to mention we have the relationship already where we are so comfortable with each other that we can tell each other anything with the slightest bit of judgment. I even told him of my fears of the possible progress of our possible relationship.

To tell you the truth, I am so entirely scared. (Save me please)

I am scared of taking a step forward and seeing what could come and so utterly terrorized of anything that might possibly come from this.

I really don't know anything and I am so entirely frightened it is not even funny.

Why am I so completely frightened? So much that I teared up while telling him. (Of course stealthy without him knowing, the very badass I am)

I am still stunned at the situation at hand quite honestly.
And all I can say is that the night ended in us deciding to try us out and see what will happen.

But really, I am so utterly scared of what will happen that I am just in complete total shock.

So scared that I really just want to run the other way and disregard this great opportunity with this special guy.

I don't really know what I think. I am just so utterly scared. So much that I just keep repeating the same adjectives over and over again. It makes me just want to crawl up into a little ball in my bed and just cry or dream forever.

So much that I am regretting consenting to this possible potential of something.
So scared of what this might mean and so scared for the possible negative or positive outcomes that might happen from this.

What do I do? What should I do? I really need guidance. Please help. Tell me your thoughts. (I really mean it, those who are readers, please advise me, please)

Anyone? Anything to say? Help me..

Unacknowledged Yet Acknowledged Indulgences

Couldn't help it. Cheers.

Ghosts

To the same guy from I Hate This Specific Goodbye, who just happens to be that one guy who I think of often. You know, the one that got away? You know, the one where it just can't seem to work? And the one who I should have treated better when I could have. Now I am paying the price. Karma's a bitch.

I hate how much I miss you whenever I allow myself to fully feel what I have tried to repress as each day comes.
I hate how the timing was just so completely off for us.
I hate how I have to really let you go, but can't seem to.

Hopefully someday I will.