Sinking Relapse Probability

I can feel my heart beginning to ache to a stinging pain again. I almost feel like I'm drowning; I can hardly breathe. Today has been a day where my wanting to cry has been quite apparent. Today I was completely and utterly consumed with the strong urge to cry unyieldingly and as of right now as I am procrastinating on my studying for my midterm tomorrow, I am still overwhelmed with that desire, but alas, my seriously strange inability to create even the slightest tear under my own real pretenses that stem from my erratic sentiments although I manage to tear up at the slightest heartfelt media on television has made me unable to release my pent up frustrations. I want to drag the fine cold silver across my skin, chain smoke Marlboros, drink more than one shot of strong substance, anything to take away this massive anxiety that has clouded my chest and decided to stay for the time being.

I hate this. I hate that I hurt everywhere. Again. I hate that it's come back when I was really starting to begin to feel like maybe nothing was wrong with me and that I was actually just as ordinary as I perceive my talentless soul to be. I hate how I want to do nothing all day but stay in bed as I crawl into the comforting fetal position of a ball at hopes of pushing every hurt away from my entire being.

It's like I have to start all over again. Everything is a vindictive cycle.

I wish I could cry. No, I wish I could bawl. That has somehow led me to think that if I do, the cloud will slowly dissipate.

I didn't want to write anything today. I thought about it, but when the pain starting to become easier to accept, I just wanted to avoid it and run the other way. I think I've found the root of my semi-writer's block or lack of motivation to have my thoughts spill on virtual paper day after day as I used to do. The reason for my lack of participation in posts have been because though I may feel a certain way at the time, I do not have my laptop with me at my convenience to be able to type everything out at the very second. So, eventually my emotions subside and I lose my nerve. And most of all, I choose not to archive my emotions because I have started to fear myself relieving the intensity of first hand shock if I do decide to later on post my recollections. I have realized that this constant aching pain is not something I choose to let myself relive. And at that I have begun to step into the realm of avoidance and repression. And oh look, just like that my fluidity of tongue has finally come back to grace me with its consequential presence.

I have to study now, but at least I managed to get that out.

Come On, Be Serious

I really just want to put life on hold right now.

Where Are You? Where Am I?

I have no idea what to write right now but I feel like I want to. I feel like I need to. Please bare with me in my beginning rudimentary trials to gain back myself and my sense of articulation that has been so utterly detrimental to the make of my very being and soul because unfortunately I have currently seemed to have lost it.

So here goes,

I feel like my life is at a stop, or at least it is stagnant for now because I am in an in between. An in between from my life progress. Maybe that's why I put on hold my blogging progression for a while.

It's like this,
most of my days I seem to just be drifting through my daily duties while putting on a very believable facade to the rest of the world. (I am very good at pretending) What I really want to do is stay in bed or stay home all day submerged in the nothingness of fun not so deep literature (if you would call it that) and movies.

Or,
for the days that I do have to have a day, which is the five days of the week, I wake up Monday morning and immediately am wishing for a fast forward to the weekend where I can continue my hermitting nothingness.

It seems like my life is at a stop, but it also seems like I want my life to stop.

I guess I've lost my motivation for anything again. I am passing through my life. I know I am living, but I'm living through the events out of obligation rather than want. I always say I would rather live my life than live through it. And yes it still holds true, but as of right now or these months, I feel like I've lost something. I've lost that fire and that I'm filled with nothingness. I don't want to do anything and when I do, I end up feeling like there is no purpose to it.

And to be honest, as of now I really prefer to just be alone and not have to engage in public affairs. I just want to shut myself in my own spacial sanctuary of my room and house and not have to, shall I say "deal" with anything.

I wish to be someone else, to look like someone else, to have someone else's life. Maybe then I would feel fulfilled. And I think sometimes, am I still depressed? Was I even depressed to begin with? I don't have the answer to that. I mean for these past couple of months I haven't felt anything. I will say that I haven't been sad, but I haven't been fully ecstatic either.

I think I am completely broken. I knew I have been broken ever since I was a child, but maybe this is it for me. The final product. When you have been hit so hard with so many things, maybe it is impossible to come back. (And believe me with my erratic and fluctuating moods through my entries, I have tried so hard) I've always wondered how some people got to be the people they inhabit. Maybe this is the result. Broken people have to go somewhere right?

Despite all my solitude, all I really want is for strong arms to envelope me and to feel its genuine warmth. At night I dream of arms around me tight and the idea that everything is alright and perfect.

I just don't know.
And that is all I can ever seem to say.

I don't know about anything anymore about myself and life.
I think I've lost my fire and I don't know how to get it back.
I can't seem to get it back.

It's TwentyTen, Am I Back?

Okay, so I know it's been a very long while since I have written anything. I mean I realize I have tons of entries already, but my progress has definitely been put on hold for the time being until today. I guess you could say I've hit a road block and lost my motivation. It makes me wonder, why does this happen? Why did it happen to me? The person who seems to have so much to say about everything suddenly wishes to disappear and stop all progress. To be honest, I can admit that I had been fading away. I put the blog on private because I had put up a couple uncensored and dare I say "desperate" (ugh how I loathe that word and its make) entries completely conveying my fallen despair.

It was like I had sunk and couldn't resurface to save myself. Or maybe I just needed a break from the world as that so happens to me often. But, possibly, I think I started to become afraid of the things I felt and wanted to say with how others would perceive it. I think I'm afraid of being taken in by the world in a specific way and not the way I would want to be defined as. Afraid of being judged by my past. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of but the beauty of time is the constant progression for the potential to become the best person you can be and even with that when you think it is the end, you are still learning and growing.

I contemplate whether I should delete the private posts and I fully admit that they are entirely pathetic and embarrassing. But, if it is my purpose to become more honest and try not to care so much, then try as I must, I will have to leave them published for all the world to view.

I don't know, for whatever reason, I will confess that this entry is my first step in trying to gain back my motivation for the virtual space where my thoughts have way to fully transcend from my fingertips and be shared to those that are thoughtful enough to actually want to read my words.

I guess my new or should I say existing purpose is to try to be more honest with myself and not so afraid of how others are going to judge me. I want to not care as much as I do and just exist freely in my mind. I envy those who are able to not even have a thought occur to them; I envy the carefree beings that happen to circumvent the world. I wish I were less emotional.

I realize this entry may be entirely mediocre as I am reading it and agree, but it's a start.

So I guess we'll see how it goes as I take it one day at a time. Moment by moment.