So, I woke up today from not one but two awful dreams. Or should I say nightmares. I don't know, I have been having awful dreams lately and have no idea why.
And so I went shopping.
Haha because shopping=mental healing as I always say (among my other indulgences of joy of course but that's on a different level, shopping is something that is for instant satisfaction) and I have been meaning to buy new clothes for a while now. I spent about $150 today. Not bad, not bad at all. And as much as much of a saver I am or have been, I am repressing my guilt and relishing in my luxury today. I am in such a good mood. Crazy what the confines of consumerism do to us and cause us to become hooked. Well, now I have to get ready for the party tonight. I am so happy I just thought I would archive this moment of elation. Man I absolutely love Fridays. With love, happy Friday everyone!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Hello Happy Friday!
Yes I realize it is still Thursday, but I figured since I haven't updated in a while, that I shall.
Um.. really not much to say besides the regular ups and downs and weird random moments of sinking and then the forthcoming uplifting that follows to restore balance to my entire being.
I have been doing well. Which is fantastic isn't it? I have been behaving which is always good news. I figured my drunken debauchery was beginning to become out of hand months ago and thus have amended those flaws. Really they're not so great and are traits and marks against myself that I really would not be proud of or want to possess.
Things are going fairly smoothly with everything. Almost like everything is coming to a full circle. My social network is going more than good (I say good instead of the grammatically well because good creates a greater emphasis of positivity), my school work is going quite well and am fairly content, and my spirits, though at times are low, have not quite fallen back into the dark place. In fact, I have sort of been in my bright and shiny place if I may say so myself and I find my self confidence returning back to me.
I have been able to remain in my happy place! Huzzah!
Oh and did I mention my health/fitness regime for the past couple of months? I have thus far lost I would guesstimate about 10 pounds give or take a few and I am feeling great. (Not to say that I am one of those superficial and shallow beings who are obsessed with looks, but I am quite insecure about my body type because it is not the typical Asian body type. I am basically an hourglass figure but not fat, a size 7-8. Not to mention the constant derogatory remarks made by my family ever since I can remember, but that's another story which I have probably gone into in a previous post and we won't get into that now for I am feeling great haha)
And I really love whenever my Thursdays come to an end because it symbolizes the beginning of the weekend for I only have one class on Fridays and they are chill days! So technically it is the weekend! Wooooooo. Haha. I love Fridays. Happy Fridays I call them! And my weekends have been quite literally jam packed with events and social outings. (Well not just my weekends but my weekdays too! But I'm really getting tired of doing out so much for I like to stay at home with my down time and just relax) And there is another party tomorrow night! I hope all of you are having a lovely week! Cheers lovers!
Um.. really not much to say besides the regular ups and downs and weird random moments of sinking and then the forthcoming uplifting that follows to restore balance to my entire being.
I have been doing well. Which is fantastic isn't it? I have been behaving which is always good news. I figured my drunken debauchery was beginning to become out of hand months ago and thus have amended those flaws. Really they're not so great and are traits and marks against myself that I really would not be proud of or want to possess.
Things are going fairly smoothly with everything. Almost like everything is coming to a full circle. My social network is going more than good (I say good instead of the grammatically well because good creates a greater emphasis of positivity), my school work is going quite well and am fairly content, and my spirits, though at times are low, have not quite fallen back into the dark place. In fact, I have sort of been in my bright and shiny place if I may say so myself and I find my self confidence returning back to me.
I have been able to remain in my happy place! Huzzah!
Oh and did I mention my health/fitness regime for the past couple of months? I have thus far lost I would guesstimate about 10 pounds give or take a few and I am feeling great. (Not to say that I am one of those superficial and shallow beings who are obsessed with looks, but I am quite insecure about my body type because it is not the typical Asian body type. I am basically an hourglass figure but not fat, a size 7-8. Not to mention the constant derogatory remarks made by my family ever since I can remember, but that's another story which I have probably gone into in a previous post and we won't get into that now for I am feeling great haha)
And I really love whenever my Thursdays come to an end because it symbolizes the beginning of the weekend for I only have one class on Fridays and they are chill days! So technically it is the weekend! Wooooooo. Haha. I love Fridays. Happy Fridays I call them! And my weekends have been quite literally jam packed with events and social outings. (Well not just my weekends but my weekdays too! But I'm really getting tired of doing out so much for I like to stay at home with my down time and just relax) And there is another party tomorrow night! I hope all of you are having a lovely week! Cheers lovers!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Epilogue
Oh, did I mention the previous entry was about a course that I do not need to take and in fact am taking out of pure pleasure?
I know right? It added into my schedule as a 5th course rather than the usual 4 that I normally take and for most people 4 is even too much for they simply stick with 3 courses as being the norm. I wanted to take the course just to learn something more before my nearing matriculation this year in June.
So I came to a conclusion that I am most definitely going to withdraw from the course, but not after speaking to my professor tomorrow to gain further counsel and input. How productive is that? (I know this whole running away from my problems/challenges rather than facing them head on is a cop out, but in a sense, I took this class to further development my education and honestly for fun. And this state of being completely crushed is definitely not fun.)
But if I may say so myself, after much discussion from my brainy peers and much fluctuating contemplation, after finally coming to this decision. I can now say that I feel so much better now and am actually quite relieved. My whole state of mind and pessimism has completely altered and I feel so much lighter and renewed. Thank god. My demeanor has reverted back to the positive person that I who naturally enjoys living life. (Haha well most of the time when my craziness doesn't get in the way and cause for flare of dramatization) It must be something to do with the whole cleansing process of discarding things from one's life, but it truthfully works or else we all wouldn't love doing it so much right? Well at least I can speak for myself and say that I do.
So what a way to turn a frown upside down eh? And as the weekend is rolling near I can say that I am very much looking forward to the further jam packed crazy fun events to come! I hope all of you are having a lovely week! Cheers lovers.
I know right? It added into my schedule as a 5th course rather than the usual 4 that I normally take and for most people 4 is even too much for they simply stick with 3 courses as being the norm. I wanted to take the course just to learn something more before my nearing matriculation this year in June.
So I came to a conclusion that I am most definitely going to withdraw from the course, but not after speaking to my professor tomorrow to gain further counsel and input. How productive is that? (I know this whole running away from my problems/challenges rather than facing them head on is a cop out, but in a sense, I took this class to further development my education and honestly for fun. And this state of being completely crushed is definitely not fun.)
But if I may say so myself, after much discussion from my brainy peers and much fluctuating contemplation, after finally coming to this decision. I can now say that I feel so much better now and am actually quite relieved. My whole state of mind and pessimism has completely altered and I feel so much lighter and renewed. Thank god. My demeanor has reverted back to the positive person that I who naturally enjoys living life. (Haha well most of the time when my craziness doesn't get in the way and cause for flare of dramatization) It must be something to do with the whole cleansing process of discarding things from one's life, but it truthfully works or else we all wouldn't love doing it so much right? Well at least I can speak for myself and say that I do.
So what a way to turn a frown upside down eh? And as the weekend is rolling near I can say that I am very much looking forward to the further jam packed crazy fun events to come! I hope all of you are having a lovely week! Cheers lovers.
I Feel Like Shit
This is so bad that it has begun a whole new process of slighted melancholy and ultimately made this supposedly fantastic week go from sunny optimistic to utterly awful despite my positive events to occur. It's so bad that I feel like I am literally walking around in a daze of awful with a black cloud right over my head like in those old zoloft commercials with the clouds and cute little emo bubbles. Remember those? What a way to make something that is primarily depressing into something cute and fuzzy.
I have even resorted to submerging myself in my world of classical music to try and make me feel better, but nothing I do seems to work. And it really really doesn't help that as I am growing oler, my emotions that are obviously tied in with my chemicals and hormone junk make me even more crazy since females have cyclic patterns instead of the steady ones that stupid males have. (Love my little rant there? Brace yourselves for more)
I feel like I want to stop time again. This is so pathetic, and all because of one petty and minuscule detail that won't even matter 3 months let alone a year from now.
Are you ready for just how dramatic it can get for a highly hormonal girl going through PMS about to be presented with her monthly "gift"?
Why does getting a bad grade make me feel so damn shitty. I am completely bummed out. I mean this is the worst grade I have ever received considering that I do more than fairly well in my classes. Usually I can wrap my head around the situation and repress my loathsome ugly sentiments and start a new, but I feel so suffocated and in need of serious counsel. I just keep seeing that image of the unbearably low grade in my mind. Ever since I viewed it last night, my mind cannot discard of it. This is so horrible and I feel like I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't worry about it so much and people are always going to tell me that. But I can't help but worry too much. This seriously sucks.
Okay here goes,
I got a 68% on a critical response paper, that is 10% of my grade, I feel like I did honestly pretty well on. So as you can see I am crushed.
For a person who get fairly high on the progress of expansion in productivity, and in this case of academics, I feel seriously lost. I keep trying to make sense of it and I can't. I mean I try to understand it, and I really don't see how I could have gotten such a low grade. I mean it couldn't have possibly been that bad. I know it. I mean I read the comments the professor had and realize what it was lacking, but goddddddddd!!! IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN THAT BAD AS TO RECEIVE A fucking D+! GOD HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? What did he not take into consideration my good ideas? What grading criteria is that?! Well he must have since he clearly commented on how well my creative theories were! Goddamn I need some clarification. I am so completely frustrated and almost enraged to tears. Irate that I doubt I can do anything to change the matter and irate that I know the things I write are absolutely not of D+ quality. Jeez, you have got to be kidding me. I know for a fact that my work is of A quality. (Not to be pretentious or conceited, but I often know what ranking my writing deserve.) And if not A than B, but never less than a B. I know when I do a good job and when I do not. Everyone knows when they half ass things and when they pull in full effort. I can't wrap my head around it. I am seriously freaking out! This is seriously not only making me reevaluate myself, but also making me feel like a complete insignificant dumbass like the rest of the ignorant souls I so loathe all of the fucking time. ARGH! So hopefully I can after I speak with him about it tomorrow. Oh god, I feel sick..
I have even resorted to submerging myself in my world of classical music to try and make me feel better, but nothing I do seems to work. And it really really doesn't help that as I am growing oler, my emotions that are obviously tied in with my chemicals and hormone junk make me even more crazy since females have cyclic patterns instead of the steady ones that stupid males have. (Love my little rant there? Brace yourselves for more)
I feel like I want to stop time again. This is so pathetic, and all because of one petty and minuscule detail that won't even matter 3 months let alone a year from now.
Are you ready for just how dramatic it can get for a highly hormonal girl going through PMS about to be presented with her monthly "gift"?
Why does getting a bad grade make me feel so damn shitty. I am completely bummed out. I mean this is the worst grade I have ever received considering that I do more than fairly well in my classes. Usually I can wrap my head around the situation and repress my loathsome ugly sentiments and start a new, but I feel so suffocated and in need of serious counsel. I just keep seeing that image of the unbearably low grade in my mind. Ever since I viewed it last night, my mind cannot discard of it. This is so horrible and I feel like I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't worry about it so much and people are always going to tell me that. But I can't help but worry too much. This seriously sucks.
Okay here goes,
I got a 68% on a critical response paper, that is 10% of my grade, I feel like I did honestly pretty well on. So as you can see I am crushed.
For a person who get fairly high on the progress of expansion in productivity, and in this case of academics, I feel seriously lost. I keep trying to make sense of it and I can't. I mean I try to understand it, and I really don't see how I could have gotten such a low grade. I mean it couldn't have possibly been that bad. I know it. I mean I read the comments the professor had and realize what it was lacking, but goddddddddd!!! IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN THAT BAD AS TO RECEIVE A fucking D+! GOD HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? What did he not take into consideration my good ideas? What grading criteria is that?! Well he must have since he clearly commented on how well my creative theories were! Goddamn I need some clarification. I am so completely frustrated and almost enraged to tears. Irate that I doubt I can do anything to change the matter and irate that I know the things I write are absolutely not of D+ quality. Jeez, you have got to be kidding me. I know for a fact that my work is of A quality. (Not to be pretentious or conceited, but I often know what ranking my writing deserve.) And if not A than B, but never less than a B. I know when I do a good job and when I do not. Everyone knows when they half ass things and when they pull in full effort. I can't wrap my head around it. I am seriously freaking out! This is seriously not only making me reevaluate myself, but also making me feel like a complete insignificant dumbass like the rest of the ignorant souls I so loathe all of the fucking time. ARGH! So hopefully I can after I speak with him about it tomorrow. Oh god, I feel sick..
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Not So Secretive Confession
.. Well, at least not anymore.
Haha, did I mention I was drunk while writing the previous post below? Haha oops, well I was. It's kind of miraculous how substances that create chemical reactions in the mind and body can kind of invoke and incite a higher progress in creativity. But then again, unfortunately, I am a firm believer that some of the greatest creations ever produced have been spurned from bodily altering substances for they are able to create an elevation of mind. Though my only vices in that area are solely alcohol and cigarettes. (If I may proudly state) I am all too happily content in my strong will and determination in the absolute refusals to partake in assumed other substances.
Yet, right now I am actually tempted to delete the previous entry because I absolutely hate ever showing my vulnerability. But I did say that I am trying not to censor myself and am striving to be more honest with myself. I say that with the greatest humility and am a bit mortified of my honest confession for I definitely would never say that to anyone if I were sober.
And thus there it is; the slow (and maybe the start) true revealing and unveiling of my inner self. The self that I almost always never share with anyone for my immense fear of abandonment and trust issues. This is the self that I keep forever to myself that resides in my own world because sometimes the only person who can understand the depth of it all fully is myself.
Hmm, how's that for honesty? Haha, I dare say a bit frightening. But what has ever been worthwhile that wasn't a bit frightening? Alarming factors are needed to excite accelerated blood flow to mark the significance of something that maybe have the potential to become something more.
Haha, did I mention I was drunk while writing the previous post below? Haha oops, well I was. It's kind of miraculous how substances that create chemical reactions in the mind and body can kind of invoke and incite a higher progress in creativity. But then again, unfortunately, I am a firm believer that some of the greatest creations ever produced have been spurned from bodily altering substances for they are able to create an elevation of mind. Though my only vices in that area are solely alcohol and cigarettes. (If I may proudly state) I am all too happily content in my strong will and determination in the absolute refusals to partake in assumed other substances.
Yet, right now I am actually tempted to delete the previous entry because I absolutely hate ever showing my vulnerability. But I did say that I am trying not to censor myself and am striving to be more honest with myself. I say that with the greatest humility and am a bit mortified of my honest confession for I definitely would never say that to anyone if I were sober.
And thus there it is; the slow (and maybe the start) true revealing and unveiling of my inner self. The self that I almost always never share with anyone for my immense fear of abandonment and trust issues. This is the self that I keep forever to myself that resides in my own world because sometimes the only person who can understand the depth of it all fully is myself.
Hmm, how's that for honesty? Haha, I dare say a bit frightening. But what has ever been worthwhile that wasn't a bit frightening? Alarming factors are needed to excite accelerated blood flow to mark the significance of something that maybe have the potential to become something more.
Eternal Strides
As bad as it sounds, truthfully, I try so hard not to ram myself into a fucking wall every time I am driving my car; to just end it all. Is that a bad mentality to have?
I will never admit it, but thus is contradictory than I will now, I want so badly to find someone who will just love me completely the way I will love them wholly.
I crave love and to be loved. (Such a weakness I hate to admit, but if you cannot be honest here, where can you be?)
And I hate it. I hate that I am so vulnerable. All I want is to be loved.
And all I want is just that one person. All you need is just one person.
I am so broken and needing of the tender unconditional love that it is almost pathetic.
Sometimes I feel that it is impossible and that I will never find what I am looking for.
I hurt all over at different times though I try to hide it through my false bravery.
All I want is just that one person. And I know that is not too much to ask for.
I want to be saved from myself.
I hate that sometimes I hurt so much for something that seems so unattainable but will be able to heal my entire soul. (How tragic and pathetic is it not?)
Is life really what this hopeless despair is supposed to be?
Is life really supposed to be this shitty?
Are my idealistic and romanticist notions clouding my vision?
I will never admit it, but thus is contradictory than I will now, I want so badly to find someone who will just love me completely the way I will love them wholly.
I crave love and to be loved. (Such a weakness I hate to admit, but if you cannot be honest here, where can you be?)
And I hate it. I hate that I am so vulnerable. All I want is to be loved.
And all I want is just that one person. All you need is just one person.
I am so broken and needing of the tender unconditional love that it is almost pathetic.
Sometimes I feel that it is impossible and that I will never find what I am looking for.
I hurt all over at different times though I try to hide it through my false bravery.
All I want is just that one person. And I know that is not too much to ask for.
I want to be saved from myself.
I hate that sometimes I hurt so much for something that seems so unattainable but will be able to heal my entire soul. (How tragic and pathetic is it not?)
Is life really what this hopeless despair is supposed to be?
Is life really supposed to be this shitty?
Are my idealistic and romanticist notions clouding my vision?
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