Down The Street

You my neighbor, who literally lives just down the street from me, we have become closer than ever before and have finally arrived at a place in our relationship that is really good. Really, really good. It has taken us years- almost a decade- to get here.
I know I'm crazy and that I still can't forget the past and all the wrong you have done me.
I know you have changed for the better.
But I still can't help but be completely scared out of my wits to trust you completely again.
What's worse is that I already know I care so much more about you than ever before.
I love you, you have become one of my closest friends.
But I hate myself for letting you in again because when you hurt me for the last time a while ago, I vowed to never let my guard down again.
And I still haven't.
But at times, I know I already have.
Sorry for the insane crying and drunk meltdown last night.
But you still remain as wonderful, caring, and understanding as ever now.
Now that you have changed for the better.
I know you have changed and become a completely different person than before and are trying to mend your ways.
I know that.
And I'm sorry that I still have my fears and doubts.
It's as if I am fighting myself. Two sides of me. The side that has already let you in with the side that vowed to never let you in again.
I told you last night I'm trying.
I can't believe I finally told you last night. And I can't believe the way it happened.
And you were still there for me. I know you have changed.
Can you see me running around in circles even as I speak and try to find the exact words to say?
Yeah, I seem to be literally fighting myself.
I hate that I am falling for you again. In a sense as in best friends. I vowed to never become involved with you again in a significant other sort of way. Even though we have such undeniable chemistry.
But I say falling for you again- meaning caring for you again. Deep down as a person and for who you are. The way a person's heart comes to really care about someone they love and become attached to.
I hate that. I hate that I seem to be becoming more and more attached to you. I hate that I love you. I hate how kind and generous you are with me and how I am the only one who can get away with anything from you while everyone else is scared as ever to ever cross you.
I hate that I am beginning to love you again as you seemed to have become my best friend within this week. (Mind you, all this love is strictly platonic. As I have tried to never let him forget even when our chemistry is more than strong. I refuse to ever go there. I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't ever go back remember?)
I hate that I am so scared to let you back in. And I hate the way you look at me as if I could never do any wrong. Oh, and also the way you hold me so tight whenever I let you. I know you only go as far and get as close to me as I let you.
I hate how attached I already am to you my best friend.

You

I met you about 2 weeks ago in Vegas.
And my mind is entirely consumed by you.
Crazy how that happens when I have only seen you twice and have barely spoken to you.
I hope the new year brings more memories to come.
I could fall for you.

Don't Bother

Permanently disabled.
Utterly incapable.

In all honesty,
Numbness enabled,
I can't.

I just can't,
do it.
There is nothing left,
Of me.


Hollow,
And useless.
Ultimately, effectively,
Defectively,
Discarded.

Hope Renewed

So a lot of things have happened in such a short span of time. I feel slightly more replenished with the feel good endorphines everyone wishes they had on on the entire time. Although there are still times when all I want to do is curl up on my bed and do nothing for the rest of my life, I am starting to feel more hopeful. I know, shocking right? But we all know that for me, these feelings are often flukes and teases that never seem to last. But anyway.

So while in bed last night, desperately trying to sleep (last night was the worst sleep I have gotten in a long time, I couldn't sleep at all. It was straight up insomnia level), I decided that I might try my hand at writing poetry. I mean, not at that very moment at 4:45am, but start as in making it into a new and developing hobby. This is a very big step for me because I basically gave up even trying since I didn't/don't think I had/have it. (this includes writing books/lyrics too) I've never done so because I have never had any faith in myself to be able to create it. Poetry is like a type of art; it's also just so beautiful too.

I never thought I was artistic enough to create something out of nothing. (Well I never have been able to, I've always lacked that ability) I mean yeah I can articulate well and do what I do in this blog. I can speak of real and deep issues and elaborate then down to the T with my neverending prose that are based on long sentences, but to be great at creating fiction is another thing in itself. Being artistic and creative are two completely different things.

More as time passes, the realization that I have no talent at all and that I am just ordinary is beginning to dawn on me and come on a bit too strongly. It's scary. I mean I am good at analytical, theoretical, practical situations, thinking, and other things. Things have always come easily to me. I have always been good at things, with the major exception of being artistic of course, but never great. You know, just GREAT, the kind that can creating heart and soul moving pieces and ideas. I can't work with my hands and create something beautiful. I wish I could draw, paint, write poetry choreograph, or play an instrument (the term Art posseses all forms), but I just can't. It's like there's this mental chip in my brain that prevents me from doing so no matter how hard I try. I can pick someone's brain, but I don't have the brain that has golden ticket- talent. My mind is just blank when I try to formulate something out of nothing. Trust me, I got a C in creative writing- I couldn't come up with any interesting story when I was told to start from nothing. You know? No prompts and write about whatever you want to write about. I'm not like great writers who write fiction and who have a millions stories in their minds just waiting to be tangibly produced and reproduced. Sad, but too true. See what I mean about the difference between being artistic and creative? I know I'm creative, but I envy the talented.

I wish I could bridge the gap of the indepth and existential notions I live and write about that so completely move and inspire me, with the ability to express them. It's starting to pain me more and more, as I embrace my grown-up self and become comfortable and content with myself while aquiring confidence to boot, that I have no outlet or way to really be expressive. I just love to read. Everyone tells me I should go write a book, but really I don't know if I ever could. Unless it was non-fiction. But I love fictional literature. The only thing I seem to be good at is articulation, what I do now in my blog and even sometimes I get lazy to write something beautiful that just melts and falls off of the tongue. And I'm not even great at that!

But then again, am I being oblivious to my own qualities? Is this blog actually considered to be a form of writing? Can this drabble that I force into my computer really be considered to be writing? (probably a skewed perception, but I've always considered writing to be like the greats- poetry and literature- That's how they move and touch our souls right?) What is it that everyone sees in me, except me? Because I can't see much of it. Everyone is always telling me how great I am and blah blah blah, but really? I don't think so. I know I'm trying, and I'm definitely trying to love myself more, but I got to tell you, it is not easy. I must really be screwed up huh? Too damaged to be fixed I always say. So damaged that I'm scared I'll infect all the normal people.

I know I am my own worst critic, but is wanting this expecting too much out of life? Maybe and probably. People always want what they can't have right? Especially since people are constantly changing whether they realize it or not, or even choose to let themselves see and understand it. Well, not everyone can be part of the cool kids club right? Haha. I have high expectations for everything, which is a trait I have come to resent for it always leads to disappointment.

I don't know if I can now, but I have decided to at least give it a try and see what comes up. (No matter how bad the poetry ends up to be) But see the thing is, I may think I am ordinary, but then I reflect back on my life and the things I have said and written (I guess blogging is a form of writing, this did begin as an experiment to see what I could come up with to expand my mind), and I know that I have always been different than others. Always the one who sticks out and freaks people out because she is dark and twisted. And we all know, the majority of the world never wants to get past the surface of people because they never want to deal with mess.

But I digress haha. Okay, I know I have always been different, or at least I have felt it. I've never fit in with my peers, ever- even in grade school and definitely never in the other grades too. I have these passions, emotions, and inspirations that are beyond strong. All of which stem from within me. I'd love a person to want to know the things I feel and believe. But people either don't really want to know that and they end up like scared sheep and run or they really just don't have the brain capacity to make it all click. (like me and my lack of talent/artistic ability) I mean there are times when I speak about these deep things, such as why I love a certain song- picking at every little specific detail and describing how it touches me and how everything works together, stuff like that- and people just can't seem to grasp or have an inkling of understanding. Language barrier- you know different brains different logics? Maybe so. Of course these things are not normal conversation and ice breaker topics haha, but what can I say? I'm too passionate for my own good. (Okay, let's not assume I'm completely conceited and ignorantly self-centered. We're all speaking earnestly and judgementally free here, if not then get the fuck out!)
And the inability to understand no matter which way I try to discuss it- you know, different approaches, really makes me wonder. I mean there are people that tell me they get it what I'm saying and understand, but you know in your mind that they really don't understand even if they themselves think they do. Eh, what are you going to do right? I know, I know, I am way too critical.

But the thing is, everyone says they're different right? Everybody wants to claim singularity and acquire their individuality badge. But if everyone's claiming it, who's to say we aren't just all the same? Who's to say that I'm not just ordinary? (oh my god, let's not get all Althusserian right now and talk about ideologies and what's the normative and the unknowing, impossible, and unsolvable issue that inevitably regenerates and just wraps around itself; the things that are that shouldn't be and the things that shoudn't should be. I know, confusing right? Sorry, have I made your brain explode? because my tongue just did a ramble haha. See what I mean about the greats? How do you even come up with theories like that?! I guess I was paying attention at university, sweet!)

Who's to say that I am really different and special and great like everyone supposedly swears me to be. What can you believe?

Anyway, back to the original purpose of this entry.
So thus, I will be taskingly trying to tackle on the scary beast process of begetting poetry. (No matter how bad it may turn out to be. Oh god, I hate reading bad poetry, it makes me want to cry like when I read mistakes on pages. Bleh, you got to start somewhere right?)

But! I will be doing so in a small notebook and not on virtually. I need some practice first. (;

Vegas Bound

HOLLA! Haha, oh man so much has been going on, but unfortunately just haven't had the motivation, or care to have it remembered through archive. Hasn't been considered important haha. Sorry, it's go time!

The Classical

Seriously, I don't think any type of music moves me more than classical. I just love it. It evokes this illuminating euphoric feeling throughout my entire body when I hear a completely beautiful piece. Is it the fact that I am completely handicapped when it comes to playing musical instruments? (Oh how I wish I could play the piano, violin, and bass, but alas notes just don't seem to make sense to me. I don't know why, I've tried to, but it's like something just doesn't click. Even as a kid, something just didn't work. And yet, I feel such a connection to music all the time. I can move/dance and sing (quite well in fact) all on beat with perfect timing better than I can understand the certain formulation of put together sounds/harmonies/notes. Odd right?) Possibly.

But it's more than that. I can hardly even describe it properly. And come on, me not being able to find the right words is a tough one seeing as articulation and perfect words and phrases make up a huge part of my passions.

It's like it makes my brain innately tap into a hemisphere or region that causes some sort of bittersweet sentiment, yet it's such a scintillatingly beautiful feeling at the same time. It makes me want to cry and smile at the same time of how perfect a piece can be. I know it's odd to describe a feeling as beautiful because let's face it, we cannot physically see or touch feelings, but that's the only word that comes to mind when I think of how immersed in notes I become when I find myself listening to my classical/compositions playlist. That is the only way I can find to perfectly describe what I feel.

I love to hear the sounds made by a solo piano. Second would be strings of a violin. It's favorite.
I hope I may one day have the opportunity of taking piano lessons again so I may again try to make sense of something I cannot seem to understand no matter how hard I try.

100% Natural

BareMinerals lipglosses. Seriously, this brand/type is what made me fall in love with color on my lips and thus pushed me to begin embracing my femininity. I have been a tomboy since day one having grown up playing with the boys, most of all my friends are guys, and being raised in a family of just all guys. I only have one girl cousin and right now she's 13. I'm 22, too late now haha. (Tried the other lip plumping kind, but it left my lips tingly and weird. I didn't know how I felt about it) I love the way it feels, for it doesn't feel like normal glosses. I don't know if it's because it's 100% natural or whatever, but it makes my lips feel moisturized and so fantastic. And it doesn't hurt that it enhances any face if you choose not to wear make up on a day.

I first purchased cassis, of which I used ferociously like chapstick. ;) (Believe me, if I was stranded on a desert island, chapstick would be the first thing on my list. It's true, I have answered it just so when I asked by friends in the past)
Sadly it has now become quite arduous and very tasking to get a decent amount to cover my lips. It began to run out after a month of tons of use. I love this color, it's neutral, clean, and fresh with a hint of sparkle for either daytime work or nighttime play. Or just anytime for the matter. A perfect starting color to test the waters of this new girly side of me.

Two weeks ago, I went lipcolor hunting in lieu of compensating for my favorite lipgloss withdrawal. Desperate to find a replacement or buy the same color.
I came across pomegranate (by this time I guess I had tapped into my inner feminine side, which to be honest is kind of odd and frightening, I don't know how I feel about this sudden change but it's interesting at the same time, and was experimenting with light pinks, berries, and reds. You can totally tell by last months entries about lipsticks, ie; pretty in pink, and good feelings.), which is also clean and fresh with a hint of sparkle (the sparkle which I love), but this time it is more of a light and seriously pomegranate color, they don't mess around haha, that leaves my lips looking totally kissable. It's not too heavy a color to contrast badly against my very fair skin, which believe me anything heavy often looks bad. I have more of a natural look.
And to be honest, I loved it. (I love it)
I bought it instead of a cassis replacement and truth be told, if it wasn't for the whole sticky wind hair issue and the whole opened door of lipcolor indulgence discovery (seriously it's like an addiction once started, no lie), everyday would be its purpose.

I hadn't worn pomegranate in a long time since I was busy playing with my lipstains. Today was my first time wearing it in a while.
I am completely reminded of my original lippy love. Holla. (:

Where Does The Good Go?

Gotta love Tegan & Sara. I still get chills whenever I really listen to every part of this song. Listen to the word play and the intertwined sound of their voices. It's like their making shapes out of something you can't see but can only hear.

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

Absolutely No Discipline

Whatsoever. But I could've told you that when applied in accordance to everything in my life.
Haha, so I had to go on an errand and as opportunity would have it, the place I needed to go to was in the same vicinity of a Barne's and Noble's bookstore. (uh-oh trouble already right?)

I don't know why, but everyone says all the time to stay out of trouble. And I often wonder if I am really that bad. I mean, I know I get into trouble a lot (fun trouble albeit, please, I certainly am not stupid), but it really, I mean really (despite what all my friends say) isn't as if I intentional go out with the purpose to match a specific chaos quota. I don't know, shit just happens and it just seems to drift towards me. I mean, I wish I didn't get into so much trouble, but eh. I guess it's just an innately mischievous nature I've always possessed (since birth; seriously, ask my parents and family); yet, that makes up a significant portion of who I am. But I am digressing. (:

Okay Truth, I tried so hard just to not go in. (for I keep buying books and have like 6 books at home I have yet to read haha I tried to be good, but thus failed)
The result?
Epic fail, huge.

But, I finally decided to sign up for a membership card after years of spending a fortune. It will save me so much more for the years to come, but not so much that I won't be eventually spending my entire savings there! I will be the old, yet effervescent lady who lived in her books; well, and shoes/hats/scarves of course. 'Cause let's be real, I am basically beyond repair and saving when it comes to men/beaus/spouses/lovers/soulmates/etc. But either way, huzzah! more books!

Oh man, is it odd/weird that I get such a high from purchasing new books? (or I supposed not just books? but they are my main products of purchase) Or even just being around so many books for the matter? I guess that's the only constant in my life; the constant, of course, being the rush and endorphined fueled high effects of the fully embraced consumerism ideal.
What can I say? Shopping therapy works so well. Completely in a scintillatingly whimsical mood right now; which is quite unusual, but let's just go with it shall we? ;)

It indeed is a fabulously fantastical, felicitous, favorable/fortunate, fanciful Friday! (don't you just love alliteration? harhar)
Cheers lovers. <3

Only Girly Kindred Spirits Would Understand

Let's have a fun post shall we? I'm having a brilliant morning and so far, a good day. I don't know why, but everytime I begin the day off with The Cure, I am always put right in a good mood.

Okay, so I have just fallen in love with the new lipstains that have come out. You know the ones that have the marker tip? Yeah, those. At first when I used it, I was put off by the marker tip, I mean it was seriously like a real marker! But after trying it out, seriously, simply amazing. I mean I have read reviews that they suck and don't stay on, but I am telling you, this stuff does not wash off! At least not off of my skin. (Maybe I'm just lucky? Hah as a person with the worst luck ever, I hope my luck is beginning to change) I mean of course some of it will come off if you eat something oil-based, but overall it's pretty sweet.

So yes I am a major sucker for the cosmetic commercials with actors/actresses. (Actually I am just a major sucker in general. Haha, seriously informercials and grocery deals, you know those buy 10 for $10 kind of thing, and I am sold) I think hiring beautiful/vivacious actresses for product advertisement was genius and an excellant gimmick. Seriously, Drew Barrymore has made me want to buy everything she has marketed.

I have already bought two smoky shadow blasts, the purple lash blast, and an eye highlights mascara. (I usually only use Estee Lauder and Lancome mascara with the exception of Shiseido, but what can I say? Drew had me at hello haha) As for make up, I am very picky about what I use. Make up- Bare Minerals and Eyeshadow- Mac, Urban Decay, Estee Lauder, and Lancome. I guess you could say I'm a make up snob? But hey, these products that you put on your face should be the best, I mean it's your face. Come on, gotta take care of yourselves.

But as for lippy stuff, I don't mind being a lip product slut. Haha. Hey, as for a girl who used to only use Chapstick- seriously, either the blue one or cherry- me becoming more girly this year has been my mother's dream come true. And to be honest, it's kind of fun, but I do draw the line at certain things with clothes and colors- strictly dark and dull-black, white, grays, blue- but I have started adding in dark forest green and red. I'm trying to expand my color palate, but am definitely not a label whore and definitely do not like girly clothes (ie; bows, ruffles, pastels, sequins, etc.). But of course, hats, scarves, and leather cuffs are a must; I love them. Oh god, and don't even get me started on shoes. A girl can never have enough shoes. I have so many pairs that I have no place to put them haha. Okay, need to stop rambling now and focus haha.

And then I saw Jessica Biel in the Just Bitten commercial and I really loved the color on her lips, and not to mention how pretty her lips are and basically how pretty she is in general, I guess that didn't hurt either to coax me into giving these lipstains a try.

I have bought two of the Revlon Just Bitten Lipstain + Balm in Passion and Forbidden and two of the Covergirl Lipstain in Flirty Nude and Scarlett Pucker.
I cannot stress just how fun they are. It's as if the inner girl who used to collect all these fun and new different chapsticks- bonne bell, etc.- in her childhood has come out to indulge again.
I highly prefer the Revlon lipstains more because they last longer since they are less watery, the colors are prettier, and I absolutely love the balm that comes with on the end. The Covergirl ones are more watery and take longer to dry.
And they all smell so good! Not an overpowering scent, just fresh and a bit fruity. And as a person who is sensitive to strong smells so much that I can get headaches from them, trust me, these are pretty good.

I mean, I have read tons of reviews of complaints about dry lips, markers drying out, color being too dark. And yeah maybe, but I guess some idiots don't understand that with lipstains, with the exception of Mac Pro Lipstain, they need a balm to go over it for moisture. I haven't had the problem with drying out markers, but we shall see about that. And as for the color being too dark, well just don't color it in so dark. Really now, all it takes is a light splash for a good and clean daytime look and for evening, just darken. Duh idiots, need I say more?

My absolute favorite one is the Revlon Passion color. It's a fun pink, and as we all know I love pretty in pink lipsticks. Seeing as my skin is an extremely fair and light color, I would say most dark lipsticks make me look much older than I really am. But with these I don't need a lot, just a little color and I'm good to go.

I am still a somewhat tomboy so sometimes lipsticks still get on my nerves, I hate the feeling on my lips and often the taste. Not to mention the constant re-application seeing as how they come off and stick onto everything, not cool. As for glosses, I love them but come on, we all hate how sticky they are, especially with the wind blowing and your hair down. Oh, and it's not a nice thing to have on your lips especially if you want to kiss someone. Not cool. Haha, but these stains are amazing. For now at least, until my mind wanders off and finds something else to obsess and rant about.

Oh! And I almost forgot. Since I have been coloring my hair a lot lately (I just colored my hair again last Friday, but I plan on doing so after a couple weeks seeing as how the red made it lighter than what I actually wanted. I really just wanted a rich chocolate brown color), I have definitely worried about the quality of my hair. Thus, I purchased Pantene ProV Color Preserve- Smooth shampoo and conditioner. Well I have only used it twice, and oh my god, let me tell you, utterly astonishing and amazing! My hair never felt better. It claims to give moisture and repair damage, and I may be a sucker, but my hair doesn't feel as dry as before. In fact it is quite soft. Huzzah!

Oh god, this all sounds like a review on products. But with better commentary I would hope hah. I am actually surprised at myself for expressing such an entry seeing as how I do not normally detail materialistic objects. Hmm.

I guess even though I am a slight tomboy, within a girl there is always a girly side. And I have seriously been particiating in massive consumerism lately, so I had to rave about it somewhere. These products were just so fun and good that I had to archive this good feeling, naturally. (:

Update**
Okay, these lipstains do dry out your lips. So beware and be sure to moisturize!

Further Hence

Uh yep, I think this is approximately the 3rd week and I am still waiting for it to kick in.

Engulfing Awfulness

I need to do some serious self-improvement. I've realized that I have turned into someone I don't like. I need to stop letting guys treat me like shit. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. Does it have something to do with these deep rooted daddy issues that I have always had? Do we need to consult some psychoanalytical Freudian standpoint? Let's leave out all the technicalities and just stop thinking. I just need to start doing as I used to.

I turned into this ugly person without even realizing it; whilst the entire time thinking I had everything under control and thus making a greater fool out of myself. Alcohol is an ugly demon. I need to get my life under control again. I need to not get myself into trouble. I need to not be so impulsive and think more about the consequences rather than not caring. Or even so, rather than pretending not to care. Repression really doesn't work forever. I need to stop allowing myself to put myself in these awful situations. As hard as it is to finally admit, (I say this with a whisper) I need to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. I need to be better. I need to not do things I will regret later. I need to practice all of the things I believe and believed in. I didn't know it, but I lost myself along the way of all this feigned nonchalance. I need to get back to my original ideals that I held so importantly to my core.

I need to revert back to not living with any regrets (meaning, thinking wisely before I make a decision so that I may be able to live with myself afterwards).
I need to keep moving forward, while keeping my principles and ideals still intact, without ever going back. (this is my life credo, but recently I seemed to have stopped applying it; thus leading me into inevitable awfulness which I can't stand to think about)
I need to stop caring what other people think and how they perceive me. Because they really don't matter at all and have any value within the spectrum of my being. I need to remember this.
I need to treat myself better more mentally and emotionally.
I need to try harder.
I need to love myself. The sad part is, I want to say "I need to love myself more", but I don't know if I even really love myself.

God I wish I wasn't so fucked up. When does this messed up shit even begin? At what age does the damage start to unconsciously invade to create everlasting ruining? I feel like I'm fucking borderline sometimes.

I always say I am going to try. I keep saying that. I am sick of failing.
I am sick of failing at life.
I want to break the cycle; I need to break the cycle.

Forget You*

Seriously, I love this song so much more now. And I believe this version is so much better. Having a pretty good Wednesday. Starting the morning off with this jam put a smile on my face and helped tons. I absolutely love Gwyneth Paltrow to begin with and she was amazing in last night's episode of Glee. (Yes I watch glee, suck it) Planning on going out tonight then spending a fambam filled Thanksgiving Thursday, Friday, and weekend. Cheers lovers.

Sanctuary

I want to disappear. I want to hide out in my room and just hermit for a really long time. I want to because I know it will help me. Too bad obligations make it so I can't.

Wellbutrin XL

Did I mention how much I want it to kick in already?

Untitled

And it doesn't help that you just texted me back saying you don't know what to say. You never do.

I told you, maybe it was all in my head, and if it was then sorry. But that these words are my two cents.

I just told you that I can't do this anymore. That this was so stupid because we've always just been friends and it's already so messed up. That I'm tired of waiting for you. And that I love you and probably always will, but I need to love myself more. And if you don't know how you feel about me now, then I can't do this to myself again if you won't be there when I always am.

I'm sure I just chased you away for good. (Maybe that was my subconscious intention? Let's not get all psychological right now) But at least I said what I needed to say.

Just deleted all prior items.

Turbulence Part Duex

I just deleted you from my entire address book. Again. SIM phonebook as well. Again. Crying over you, yet again! At least this time, not drunk and hysterically while proclaiming my ridiculous love for you. (Oh yes, it happened. In Vegas of course)

How did I let this happen again? How did I let you back into my life, stephen? How did I manage to let my feelings creep back into my chest after I was so completely over you and ready to start a new. What made me think that I could do this again completely feeling free? I was doing so damn well.

How the hell am I actually crying right now? When I am usually incapable of relieving any sort of sadness from me.

I said I wasn't going to let this happen again. I said I wasn't going to let you hurt me again. And then you go and do what you do. And then we do this whole push and pull dance that we always do. When I try you pull away, when you start trying I pull away. Because we're almost the same person. And what gets me the most is that we are and have always just been purely platonic. Yet our relationship is so chaotic and catatonic that I don't even understand it. It's so damn hard for us. For me. All of the time. Why is that? I want to know.

Why do I always have to be the one to fall first and have the courage to do something about it?
Why can't you ever tell me the truth?
You told me in Vegas that you didn't know how you felt about me.
Then when I finally let you back in my life, when I reiterate what you told me, you told me that that wasn't true. What you said I mean. What the hell? This is so confusing and complicated.

My practiced life philosophy is to always move forward, thus making it so I am never able to go back. Never being able to go back because I am incapable of it. It makes me sick even just thinking about it because I don't like being in the same place twice and I don't like dwelling on my past indiscretions that I would often like to forget. So if this is what I always do, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally or unconsciously, why is it that I am really unable to do that with you, stephen? (All lower case on purpose)

How is it that I am unable to move forward without you and better yet, how am I able to go backwards with you? How am I capable, physically and mentally, of being thrown back into the past?

I even knew this was going to happen. I felt it. I felt the emotion creeping back starting from my limbs and end up in the warmth of my chest. I just hoped I could repress and ignore it long enough for it to go away.

I kept meaning to talk to you. You even visited me at work this past week. I have even been trying, well as much as I could. How could I believe and try to proposition that we could just forget about everything and start fresh? Old habits die hard I suppose.

I called you today. I wanted to call you at 10 right when I woke up, but I didn't for fear it would be too early. So I went back to bed and called you later when I woke up. You picked up, but your phone, as it always does, dropped the call. Even our phones aren't in sync. We have the worse phone communication ever.

I tried calling you back, twice. Didn't work. I texted you a small joke about our phones hating each other and to call me back. And then my reliable brain starting to brood again.

I blame this completely hormonally imbalanced and emotional week. I have been up and down all week and having my period is what probably made it so insane.

I texted you again, something like, I don't know why this is so hard, I don't know whether to push or pull away.
And then after a bit, after arriving to a conclusion, that I couldn't do this anymore. That I just can't do this again. That I can't get hurt by you again, even though I just did. But the hurt was probably my own doing to myself than from him. But more so that I cannot allow myself to do it all over again. I realized this past week that I am now back to square 1. After all this time and progress. And all to do it all over again.
So I texted you a final text, "stephen I can't don't think I can do this anymore".

Letting you go is the hardest thing by far for my present life. 4 years of history. Only to arrive to this terrible conclusion. How could a relationship, a mere platonic friendship at that, be so complicated and difficult for us?

We're like the same person. We can't get close to each other 'cause we're scared to get close to and let anyone in on that level. We came to the mutual decision, albeit not at the same time, to just leave it at that. Well for you, you said that you just accepted how we are and that you'd always be there for me. For me, I know I have to let you go. I love you, but I need to love myself more.

I have been ready for the longest time for you. But you can never seem to catch up.

And there's also the issue and great fear that this could all just be in my head and that I am making something out of nothing.
I guess we'll never know.

This is me, letting you go, again. Trying to let you go, again.

Do It All Again

You can be damn well sure that I definitely will be going out tonight and dancing away my worries and troubles. I swear it has become some sort of ritual now every Friday. I love it.

Resurfacing Loss Of Breath

Today is the first day that I let it get to me in a long time. An accidentally reminiscing over pictures last night spiraled me into this downfall. There was the one 3 years ago. I know, I know. Seems to be a lot of guys right? And it gets confusing. So we'll break it down in chronological order. These are the only ones worth mentioning. First love, the one, stephen, and fling (fling was the one I had trouble with in the beginning of this blog). These are the ones who have made a bruise among other things on me. I have never spoken about a "the one" before. There has been "this one" but never a "the one". So here goes.

I am finally talking about "the one" in this blog. And after this I probably will never speak about him again. I am actually surprised at myself for never mentioning him. But, I thought I was over him. And I really can't figure out why it still aches when I really let myself think of him. It completely expunges all the slight hurt from everyone else. Even stephen. I know right? Completely absurd.

He is the one who has hurt me the most.

This is the one I hurt stephen with. I use the past and present tense interchangeably because apparently I still am affected by it. And this is the one that I kept thinking of and wanted to be with even when I was hanging out with stephen at the same time. (By the By, just to clarify, me and stephen are and have always been just friends. We have never kissed or done anything. We have always been platonic and still are. Which only makes everything else more complicate right?)

He was and is the one that stuck. I guess it's because it ended really badly and never had retribution and real closure like all the others. The one who could never understand because his narrowmindedness couldn't look past my age and life experience. Leading him to not take me seriously and make everything I said have no merit whatsoever.
And yet, he showed me everything I was missing in emotions. Or at least so I thought. Without realizing it, what you most want is not what is necessary good for you. Even now I can't even find the right words to describe what it exactly is that I want to say. He confused me and led me on and at the same time I wanted him more than anything.

Damn, I can't believe I let it get to me last night.

It just sucks. He ruined me and yet I still think about him occasionally when my eyes flicker across a mutual relationship. I was young and he was so "perfect". So completely intellectual and people smart at the same time. So unafraid of anything and entirely adequate at protecting me. Yet, too "smart" for self-evaluation (some might coin the term: superiority complex) So stupid. I was a freaking idiot. Why are we such masochists? It must be some kind of addiction. Hah, oh wait, I am a self-proclaimed masochist for pain anyway. So it makes sense. Bottom line: I fell so in love. And I just unconsciously watched as I completely unraveled and lost myself while becoming wholeheartedly unaware of my self esteem that was slowly evaporating. And I was nothing to him. I'm always nothing.

Kick Push

Kick in already please.

All Time Fav

It's a Metric kind of day.

Scream

Argh I'm going crazy here! I am so glad to be taking the 300mg tomorrow. I just feel all this pent up frustration when all I want is for things to just be simple and chill. Ugh I need some music to calm me down right now. Play.

4 Days Hence

So tomorrow morning I will be taking the 300mg of Wellbutrin XL after the first 4 days on 150mg.

I hadn't felt any difference at all when I started taking it. (I haven't had any of the side effects that I had when on Lexapro, and believe me it did give me side effects. I also haven't had any side effects at all on Wellbutrin XL; also, when drinking alcohol there is no difference and I am perfectly fine. So that is a major plus since I am still young and constantly surrounded by alcohol) Until last night yesterday when I started to feel slightly jittery with my pupils feeling all crazy as if I were slightly cracked out but just without the worse effects of hard drugs. I still feel slightly jittery sometimes with tired eyelids, but overall I am okay.

I am kind of astonished at how well my body is reacting to this drug seeing as how my body is pretty sensitive to things. (But it's just okay; no more, no less) I just hope tomorrow I don't get super crazy from the dose increase. So we shall see. It'll take however long it takes to fully kick in. I still feel normal, well what was normal for me but actually abnormal if you look at the big picture. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am still sad whenever I think of certain things. Sometimes I still feel like tearing up if i watch or hear something that touches me. Sometimes I am still agitated like I was today, but it may be from PMS since I should be starting my period soon within the week. But that's how it has been before. I'm still trying to figure out what I feel. About everything. I've been feeling more normal and the pain isn't so deep probably a 5.5-6 rather than the normal 8 or 7, but I wish it would work faster.

Fucking Emotional Wreck Rollercoasters And Triggers

All I have to say is, I am so glad to be starting the Wellbutrin XL tomorrow morning.

Addicted To Ink

So last week I got a semi-small piece done as an addition to the already existing tattoos on my hip. Yesterday I got the tattoo that I have been waiting for on my back. It's a fairly big piece considering the surface area of my back being fairly small. I absolutely love it. It's a complete culmination of my life at this point and the more to come. It is also a symbolic representation of who I am as a person. Sailors used to get these to ensure a safe journey home or to mark a milestone. (A poignant reference to my 'stormy waters'- said by one of my good friends, love it.) It's for protection to keep me safe wherever I go and for whenever I figure out what I'm looking for in my consistently inconsistent life. By the way it also has a small quote from Shakespeare. Gotta love it. Even though my back feels sore and is stinging, I am so completely content and ecstatic about this because it was completely worth it. Also, I will be taking the Wellbutrin XL tomorrow morning for the first time. So we'll see how that pans out. Happy Thursday. Cheers lovers.

Small Tuesday

I haven't really felt like updating lately. I guess you can tell from the lack of posts. Well it's kind of been up and down. I'm just trying to figure out how I feel. I took Lexapro for 3 days then stopped because I wanted to be responsible for the weekend since it would involve massive amounts of alcohol. Much to my surprise, the intoxication did not seem to effect me one bit. (Don't worry, I took it slow the first day I did not take Lexapro to gauge my intake level) Maybe because I do drink every week and my body became slightly desensitized? or had a bigger advantage when getting used to all the chemicals. Who knows.

Anyway I noticed a change in my body since last night. I seriously feel like I'm pregnant. I've been just wanting to eat everything and I really do feel like I am PMSing. So like always, I did some research. Turns out Lexapro makes you gain weight. And I thought it was completely shocking because, well I have only been only it for not even an entire week and already I can feel it taking a toll on my body with the excess of bloating and water weight. My breasts feel huge. Haha sorry for the vulgarity, but it's the honest truth and it's rather comical.

So weight gain is not part of the plan seeing as I have worked so hard this year to lose weight and get back down to my original size. Which I have succeeded at if I may congratulate and say so myself. (Go me! Haha)

So I called my doctor with my necessary complaints and asked him to prescribe me Wellbutrin XL instead. (Did I mention I have been researching about anti-depressants for months now? Just to be on the safe side of course) So we shall see what happens with that after I take it.

By the by**
I just wanted to say, thank you for all the support and love for those few who have managed to take time our of their busy days to comment. I really appreciate it and it means a lot.

The Cure

Waking up to The Cure made this morning out to be a great start to a new day. (: (Guess what? I woke up smiling this morning AND I wanted to get out of bed.)

"This Is The First Day Of My Life"

This is day 1.

I actually went to go see my physician today. I am at work, but will update this entry when I get some free time.

Update*** 4:01pm
So indeed I began my day with a trip to my family physician to get some answers and yes my main agenda was for anti-depressants. Lo and behold, I do exhibit many many symptoms, if not all of them, of depression. I spoke to my doctor about things, seriously the whole time scared out of my mind to reveal such a private matter. And my physician is absolutely wonderful and completely relatable. (Hence our familial loyalty to him) He said that depression is very common, but almost one of the hardest things to treat. Especially with Asians and their nature to think that life is supposed to be tough and sad and that one is just supposed to deal. He also said that it is indeed not normal to be sad all the time. He related possibilities of what causes depression and it really being a chemical imbalance and the possibility of a thyroid problem that highly affects an imbalance. Also that it could be hereditary as well. Thank god, finally some answers.

And get this, I actually teared up. You know, in the way that I can only tear up from emotion when speaking serious about a very private subject that never gets spoken or only if I am really angry/frustrated. 'Cause unfortunately, I can only tear up or cry (and if ever, it is really only tears and never complete bawling; I don't know, I am just unable to cry) when I am really angry and frustrated about a situation or when confronting an issue. Sucks. I can't help it, the tears just come. I hate how I feel so weak whenever they come. They come when I least ask for it and never come when I do want them.

Anyway, he gave me a 4 week sample of Lexapro. Believe me, I have never heard of this one before and I have done my research given my condition that has gone on for years and years. He said it was this new brand that is supposed to have the least side effects. Which in my case is definitely very good, seeing as my body does not receive drugs well. Yeah body on the weak side since birth. (Could it have been the heart murmur? or the other complications; who knows?)

So then he drew some blood for some tests, which I am worried about seeing as I know I have no been healthy at all. So I am just a little frightened of what might be found.
I took the Lexapro once I got back to work. Then I got some tacos because tacos always make everything better.

A little while after digestion, I don't know what it was, but I started to feel sick. I mean I had already felt a bit woozy probably from the blood drawn, but yeah I still felt a bit nauseated. And then I felt drowsy. The doctor had warned me that could happen. He told me if I took it and felt drowsy, then it was best to take it at night. And then he said if I took it and I couldn't sleep at night, then it was best to take it in the morning.

So looks like I'll have to take it at night, but honestly I feel that this is the best bet because I will finally have sound sleep rather than my usual unable to sleep well ordeal. (I usually have such a hard time falling alseep and staying asleep for the entire night)

And so it began with the nausea and then the nausea mixed with drowsiness. And then the drowsiness with starting to feel better, and now I actually feel quite well. I mean, still a bit woozy, but I figured I am tired too because I could not for the life of me get any sleep at all last night. (Went to be at 12am lied restless until 2am and then tried harder) But I do a lot better now in contrast to the slight nausea earlier. (Sweeet!)

But I don't know if it's a placebo effect or what not, but I do feel slightly better emotionally, or at least I did. I just suddenly got a sharp jolt of sunken sadness in my chest. (But I do feel slightly lighter and not as sunken) But the doctor did say that every body is different and so the medication will work accordingly. (Said some patients had it immediately in 2 weeks and then others it took 3 months or so to feel better)

And if I had known it would be that easy, I probably would've done it a long time ago. Gotta love that stubborness and inability to show any sort of weakness trait.

So, I guess we shall see where this leads me.

Oh! And by the by, I am scheduled to get my tattoos tomorrow! Hopefully everything will go as swimmingly as planned and I will get both. But I would be happy getting the one on my back first. I seriously cannot wait!

Cheers with love.

Mean Reds Monday

Gahhh why do I feel like such shit emotionally! (Watch how I try to repress my emotions by unintentionally covering it up with humor) This weekend was absolutely fantastic; and yet, I feel like such an unstable wreck right now and seriously feel like crying uncontrollably. Everything I see today is making me feel like breaking out in sobs. And I really do mean everything. Ugh, my entire body hurts. I really wish I had the ability to have just cry it out when I feel like it all the time. It seems like my tear ducts are only spoken for great sappy movies. Can you say seriously and completely handicapped. It's a bit tragic. The only thing saving me right now are my books and music.

And honestly, sometimes I feel so stupid and that I am really just making a big deal out of nothing. You know, just being all drama. But what do you do if your entire body physically radiates pain in waves. I can hardly breathe my chest hurts so much. I just want to be a robot.

H-H-Happy Friday H-H-Halloween!

What a lovely day and Friday! Woo. So prepared for a fun weekend of rejuvenation and splendiferous fun to chase away all the blah and bleh of the mean reds. (Don't recognize this reference? Channel the famous and personal favorite Breakfast At Tiffany's storyline; either original print Truman Capote or Blake Edwards cinematic direction will do) Cheers lovers! ;)

Stolen And Cropped Turned Truth

Please, let me get it right just once.

New Ink Inspirations and Divulgences

I have about 5.5 tattoos on my body. And of course they all have great significant meaning or else I would have never got them to begin with.

And I have decided to add onto another one of my preexisting tattoos. I cannot wait to go and make the appointment this week when I'm free. I want to get it done as soon as possible. It's going to be so great and the best piece yet. It's going to be pretty big compared to my other small ones, but it's going to be great. Boy is it going to hurt! Gotta love it.

T.G.I.F.

I am so glad it's finally Friday! Which means going out to a bar with the girls tonight and dancing off this shitty week and feeling I have been having (really it sucks). I can't wait for tonight and this weekend!

1:45pm Update***
By the by I forgot to mention, I am officially so over you (Stephen) and I am so glad for it. And officially so over everything that I have been wanting to do away with for the past month.

Huzzah lovers!

Marie Antoinette

So I have recently just started back into listening to the Marie Antoinette (one of my favorite movies) movie soundtrack. You know the one directed by Sophia Coppola? And I have to tell you, it is absolutely just as amazing as it was years ago when it came out. It hits hard with rock in all the right places and then has a consistent and soft theme that seems to make all the songs relate to one another so fluidly. And of course I cannot forget about the great classical (another genre of music I love) portion which completes the entire package of soundtrack-rock-tastic-ism. (so good I made up my own word) By far one of my favorite albums. It's so good that they had to make a second disk to fit in all the awesomeness.

On And Off, On

Why do I feel like crying again?

Unsure Awakenings

I don't know what it is, no, I do know what it is. It's this new cold weather. It is just creating such a light and happy mood in me. I really do love fall and winter. It invokes just such a great nostalgic feeling in me and transmits outward into my own outlook on the vision of daily life. It also doesn't hurt that the cold season is my favorite time of the year. From the beginning of October to about I would say the middle of February (maybe it's just what the holiday season does to me, I can't get enough of it. I wish it would be like this all year round), I just entirely love it. It seems to me to be the more beautiful time of year. I say it makes me a bit rather wistful at times, which to be honest I do not seem to mind at all as long as I have my great music selection to stay plugged in to. Unfortunately after today the weather will start to get warmer again. I guess I'll just have to stay patient for the cold season.

Favorites And Fantastic Weather

It's a great day to be listening to great music such as Lex Land (which I cannot stop playing by the way), The Kooks, and Travis, just some of my favorite bands (if you haven't heard of them, well, get on it! Haha), all day and wearing my much beloved rainboots in this beautifully gloomy and rainy weather. Hope all you lovers are having as great of a day as I am. Smiles and kisses all around, with my pretty in pink lipstick on of course.

Lipstain Confessions

I was feeling a bit grey today, so I put on my pretty in pink lipstick. I am beginning to really love lipstick and really get into it this year. I never used to, you know with me being a slight tom-boy and everything, but really I love how it makes me feel. It seems to make my vision of the world, and my mood might I add, a bit more brilliantly better and incandescently iridescent in times of serious need. I think every girl should have a pretty in pink lipstick just for moments, any sort of moments.

Traces Of Someone I Know

I think it has seriously come back again. I feel like wanting to cry all the time like before. I fear that I will be thrown back into the dark place where my days will start to become more and more grey. It seems to have already begun.

Rain > Sun, Well In My Opinion Anyway

I absolutely love that I woke up to massive amounts of rain today. I absolutely love the rain! I have been waiting for it to rain for a long time now. I'm definitely a cold weather person and have been waiting for it to get cold for a while now, but seriously California weather has been so disgusting this year. It's not even a nice and clear hot but a murky and pollutant filled stifling smog. I wouldn't mind if it were nice hot weather, but it's not. It's surely yucky and gross.

Also, winter wardrobe is so much more fun in my opinion than summer wardrobe is. (Hence the emphasis on the waiting since forever part) Definitely putting my cute ass rainboots to good use today. Thunder storms are beginning to frighten me a bit though. Haha otherwise, Happy Friday lovers!

Give Me A Reason

Please, to want to get out of bed everyday now.

Stupid Or Not?

On the fence about that one now. Seriously. Why does life always consist of perpetually waiting for greater things to come? I hope they would arrive already with their own fantastic magic already, for life is becoming just so unbearable to really endure. Am I a cosmic and nonsensical fool? I would love to think not. But in reality, I am just as stupid as the rest of them. But Please let's hope not. Please save me from my foolish and quite soft-witted rationality in this present existence of life we have to put up with. (Really though, could you hurt me any more? I think so.)

Dark Red Head

There is seriously almost nothing better than blasting hard music and a bottle of hair dye to put you right again. Well at least for the moment at present.

Who Has Two Thumbs And Is A Goddamn Idiot?

(points at self*) This guy. I meant me, just in case you didn't get it.

Seriously, so I gave in about a couple weeks ago and messaged Stephen (I know, here we fucking go again) on, yes fucking facebook, the banes of the 21st century's existence. Well he had posted a note and it happened to pop up on my newsfeed. Mind you after I saw it I decided to hide it. Honestly I thought I had hidden him a while ago. You know, the whole letting go thing I am terribly failing at. (Though yes I may still have feelings, this not letting go is not related to the wanting to be with him factor because honestly I just don't know anymore about that part. I don't even think I want to be with him anymore. What I should do and what is are entirely differing issues)

So anyway, the note was quite depressing and of course naturally, I was worried. After many minutes of contemplating whether or not to message him or not (I didn't text because I couldn't, proud of myself for having deleted his number) Eventually I messaged him with something short and concise along the lines of, "Hey I didn't want to text you because I wasn't sure if your phone would receive it (total lie), but are you okay?" That was that.

I didn't think I would get any response til today I received a text. "Hey I'm sorry I just saw your message. Insert conversation here." And so begun a short stream of back and forth texts.

Just great, ended up re-adding him back into my phonebook. I know this is probably not the smartest thing I could ever do as of present, but hey I don't often do a lot of smart things when it comes to my own well-being.

Turns out, his dumbass girlfriend had dumped him for another guy.

My response?
I'm sorry, I didn't know whether to laugh or to seriously feel his pain for him. And so I opted for the pain with a bite of 'I fucking knew it that this shit would happen' on the end.
I can't tell you how many times I knew it in my mind and heart that she wasn't good enough for him. Really not saying that out of any "jealous" disdain from my past feelings, but really just opinion and perception from just being a good friend. Though of course I never voiced it.
I just wanted him to be happy. And that was good enough.
Goddamn, I seriously saw that shit a mile away. I fucking knew it.

But what can you do?
And now I don't know what to feel. But I know it's not the same. It can't ever be the same anymore for me because what happened still happened when it all comes down on paper with facts. Which I apologize for not explaining yet. I guess that moment will soon follow shortly in a few days after this entry. But I know I have to be smarter this time. I have to use my head more often rather than my heart that is seriously hanging by a thread on my fucking sleeve. It's just weird that it stopped hurting so much before I even realized it. It doesn't hurt like it used to when I used to think about you.

Fuck Formalities

I am so sick of having to fucking put on a happy face all the damn time just to ensure that others won't perceive me as someone who is in fact truly dark and twisted inside. So sick of having to do this all the time so that others won't get frightened at anything that is less than shallow. So sick of having to care for everyone else's well-being over the sacrifice of my own. I am so sick of having to put on a smile all the damn time when around people so I don't come off as unresponsive and a complete bitch for really not caring. So sick of having to put on such a facade when inside I feel quite the opposite just to reassure others of their own insecurities. Fucking fantastic. I am just so sick and exhausted with everything. I just want to be left alone. Plain and simple.

B&N's

I have no idea why, but just walking into a Barnes and Noble's Bookstore gives me such comfort. (I had already bought 4 books the week before the last and am reading one presently. And yesterday just bought another, I can't seem to stop buying more books. Though really I don't mind, it's just the expense of it all is not at all thrifty) Even just recalling my time (hours might I add, I have to limit my time there out of pure discipline or else I really will risk clearing out my entire bank account. Really. Not cool.) spent there sends me into this transcendent mode where I just feel so entirely elated and relieved of everything as if I were still leisurely pacing the aisles slowly out of pure enjoyment. Such transferrence enables every burden to be washed away from the core of my body out to the tips of my fingers and toes. Each to be slowly dissolving until I feel nothing but the succor and repose of a lingering of warm, gooey, and fuzzy sensations which can only be felt through a person's center core and to be described to slightly resemble looking into a great and inviting fireplace on a cold, quiet, and clear night.

I seriously could spend an entire day buried in the comfort of a bookstore. I would love to. Except the unfortunate factor of going possibly and most likely completely broke from trying to buy out the entire stock from the Fiction & Literature section. (Ah consumerism and materialism, the banes of our human existence)

By the by, I started my morning off by visiting a Barnes & Noble's bookstore, thus such the ardent-felt entry.
Did I mention I bought yet another book this morning? (Such loveliness) Oh, I guess I didn't. Haha. Seriously, my bookshelf is about ready to collapse. Well, I cannot wait to begin reading it when I find some downtime. And indeed, it seems like I am back to my original text color after playing around a bit. Happy Tuesday lovers.

Another One Of Those Days

Where I feel like just taking a bat and smashing everything in the world I come across today. And when I say everything, I mean everything. (Non-animate and animate things/people) And then eating out the entire contents of my fridge and pantry. But obviously I can't do either.
Everything's pissing me off today.
I really don't feel like doing shit today, but do I must.
Yep, majorly cranky today.
Let's hope my mood brightens up after I've eaten lunch.
And hey, at least I am going out to Hollywood tonight all dressed to the nines in a killer dress and heels to have a bit of fun.
Cheers lovers.

Ready For A Long Story?

Seriously, it's like my own mother doesn't see me. No, it's true. She doesn't see me.

Even when I try to softly explain and rationalize, nothing goes through.

She expected to sit in with me at my physician's appointment when I get up the courage to go.
I eased into this conversation and told her that I am a very private person and even telling a doctor my personal woes is a very daunting hardship for me.

Of course she didn't hear what I was trying to say. She quickly butted in assuming that she knew and kept saying, after I repeatedly tried to rephrase my statements to gauge better understanding, "Yeah, I know I know. I won't say anything, I'll just sit there."

No mother, I can't have you sit there.
I tried again telling her that it's already so difficult to tell a doctor my personal sentiments and to open up. Also, that would mean there are things I don't want her to hear either because I don't want her to feel parental guilt or fault. I told her I didn't want her to feel bad for the things that I would ultimately reveal soon enough. I meant that I didn't want to hurt her.

Tell me how is it humanly possible to start this conversation and ultimately have it become turned around by my mother and suddenly be all about her. Tell me why does she always assume that everything is about her. Why does she get so defensive and think that factors are personal attacks on her when they're really not. Believe me, they are really not.
And to make matters worse she becomes phenomenally defensive and then comes the passive aggressive outbursts that are triggered from a completely different subject.

I was trying to get her to understand that this wasn't about her. She took it as me wanting to hide something from her. As if I had some superficial actions from my past to hide from her. No, I wasn't talking about the things I have done. I was talking about my own intertwined thoughts and emotions of which I have accumulated from my pathetic, lonesome, and mentally abusive and destructive childhood.

Then of course after the passive aggressive outburst comes the childish defense mechanism that only my mother could smoothly pull off and execute. She closed off and refused to listen or be even open to understanding my reasons behind my words or what I had to say to her. Or even why I wanted to share with her.

And you wonder why it is so difficult for me to open up. Everyone wonders why. Stop wondering and start seeing.

And what gets me the most are my pathetic never-yielding attempts to try and help her see me. Those deplorable acts of trying to help her with the sacrifice of myself. It's as if I am still a child still trying to vie for my mother's attention to try to get her to see me or try to get her to actually want to know me.

Really, it's like she doesn't even see me at all. She doesn't even know who I am or the things I hold so passionate dear to me let alone the reasons why I clutch them to my heart while holding on to this miserable existence of a life.
Even in the present when I openly speak to my mother I am impaled with the harsh realization, as I understand, that she really isn't paying mind to anything I say as she ceases to produce any sort of noise that would suffice as a response. Realizing that she just hears it as incessant and meaningless rambling from her 'whimsical, energetic, and eccentric' daughter. When in fact she doesn't know that I may very well be just the opposite.

After repeatedly and unrelentingly speaking in earnest and trying to get her to even open up her ears and eyes to look at me and really listen to me, the dialogue has quickly escalated into an immature fight among two high school girls. The only difference is is that she is almost 55 years old.

I'll admit I even went a bit far today, but when frustrated and angry we all have our faults of tongue.
First I remarked about how short a fuse she has because she is always so damn quick to become enraged. Then surprise surprise my supposed to be maturely aged mother but really not came back with "have you seen yourself?" Of course this being a jab at my own projected demeanor to others and I know I am very much irritated all the time and showing major signs of passive aggression.

But the thing is, I know why I am like this, or at least I am striving to understand why I can't help but be like this, and this is why I am aiming to seek help. This is what the physician's appointment is all about.
But does she try to put two and two together and understand?
No. She just decides that she has something to throw back into her daughter's face because she is just so hurt from her daughter's honest and sharing words.

Then I said well maybe I get it from you. And then she pulls out the big gun and states, "So are you saying I am to blame?"
Stupid me had to say, "Yeah I do." Big mistake. Big oops. (Better to sacrifice yourself and be hurt for the protection of your parents? Or to risk their hurt for the honesty they think they want but ultimately really don't?)
Thus opening a can of words and creating a massive cyclic chain of events of the whole childish defense mechanism I stated earlier in this post.

She doesn't realize that she just proved my point of why I do not want her to hear the things I have to say about my personal life because I don't want her to feel bad/guilty/hurt/whatever and take it the wrong way. Which I know she will.

I had just been honest with her (as I always am, I hate lying), but of course she got hurt and took it the wrong way. My point exactly. And henceforth made this conversation suddenly about her now.
And god seriously, I am so fucking pathetic. I still try with my mother after all the infuriating useless language. Why does my love have to be so fucking unconditional? Why do I seriously want, no need, my mother to understand me? Anyone else would have given up already, just like my mother who quickly just gives up time and time again much to my great disappointment. What is it with the neverending trials for a child to want the approval of her parents no matter how good or bad the relationship turns?

And then I called her childish. And then she threw a condescending motherly finger in my face and told me to watch my attitude. (Remember, this is the same mother of when I confessed my depression to almost half a year ago, told me that "Hey it's normal to be sad all the time." Really?)
Why doesn't she get that it's not juvenile attitude I am exuding. This is me trying to reach her. Why? I have no idea. Why I can't just be a normal kid? I have no idea. I just don't know any more ways to do so. It's like everything I try fails. And you can't believe how many times when she throws my own behavior back into my face that I want to say I am seriously a mere 22 year old and she the one who is supposed to be all ripely sagacious at the almost age of 55. Compare and contrast, it's a really rude awakening to get older and suddenly realize that at times it all turns around and it is almost as if you're more mature or reasonable one and that your parents are turning out to be quite childish. Fuck the neverending cycle of this so called life.

And of course how she is able to so resiliently bounce back and act like everything is fine after 10 minutes is beyond me. Does that prove of how little of importance she considers my really fucked up issues to be? Or is it defense mechanism/self-preservation/repression 101?

All the while I am left still stung by the failure or the things I can never achieve, solve, or relieve. I know I am partially to blame, but I am still trying to make whatever this fucked up shit is work. I am still trying while she refuses to. Why can't I ever just give up?

Referral

So, this story may actually be coming true. Given the right amount of courage, and me still scared out of my wits and entirely fighting the urge to just fee the other way, a meeting with my real physician will be made and followed through with (let's hope my bravery doesn't fail me) a sit down consultation. Quite soon in the near future is what's promised to help me figure out what is exactly wrong with me if and in fact there actually is something wrong with me.

As the realization of real confrontation of my issues is drawing to a close, I have to really own up to the fact that I am seriously terror-stricken and have no clue why. Maybe because if this last and final step does indeed have execution, then I will really be certain that I am as flawed and broken as I already believe myself to be.
No, that can't be it. I think it's just actually the bodies outside of myself, you know other people, who will have to become involved no matter how much I wish they would not be. The mere involvement of outside persons such as my physician, who I will need the referral from, and those I will have to encounter, of whom I have never met or let alone even known is what scares the shit out of me because as private a person as I am, I will have to speak to strangers (why is that anyway?) when I don't even speak to those closest to me because of my majorly proven trust and abandonment issues. The fact that I will have to leave the comfort of my own barriers I have meticulously built up since childhood seriously scares me.

This entry doesn't even make sense. I can't even put down my feelings onto this virtual paper because I really don't know what to say. So I just end up rambling on with these run-on/fragmented sentences in hopes I somehow strike a chord within my brain to produce something that will eventually make sense to me as a whole and ultimately satisfy my perfectionist persona. So please disregard my shitty rejections of grammar, syntax, and word choice because right now my brain is on speechless mode and anything will do.

So let me try again.
I don't even know why I am a bit freaked out. Thank god for my self-preservation keeping me sane and still attached to my skin. It's the same fight or flight feeling when encountered with an unfamiliar and uncomfortable obstacle. Just as last year when I almost sought out real counseling help, moments of walking to the clinic I immediately froze and resorted to rationalizing with myself that I was just being dumb and that nothing was wrong with me at all so that I maybe didn't have to go through with it. It starts with denial right?
What ended up happening was that I ultimately chickened out. I feigned a rescheduling and ended up not going.

What I also don't get is that I feel that I pretty much have pinpointed, analyzed, and diagnosed my issues and the roots that have caused them. It's just the getting over it part that I seem to have issues with. And believe me I'm trying, but I really feel like I need something more to help. But what is it that I need? I don't even know.

I feel like I don't fucking need some stranger to tell me why I am the way I am because of this and that that happened to me in the past because fuck, I already know. I could write a fucking book about all the roots of my issues and then some. I mean I don't need help to figure out how to express my emotions. I went to school for that.

I just want help not to feel so fucking unhappy, hopeless, and alone all the time. I want to not self-inflict harm on myself anymore. (though now that I say it, I kind of don't want to give it up; what can i say? i love it, it makes me feel good and alive)

I also feel like I don't fucking need the pity and sympathy of others. Got it?
And I especially don't need the likes of my parents and family members to feel sorry for me or god forbid feel like they've failed.
I mean sometimes I want to tell them, yeah you failed, you really fucked up, but really in truth, that's really not fair to say that and would do more hurt than good.

But that's what I mean. I guess if this starts, then it's real and the whole privacy thing goes out the window. People will actually know. And I feel like that is at times worse than just having yourself know. I am more comfortable with just myself knowing.

I really just want to keep this to myself without having to share my issues with my parents. And I know there's a whole doctor/patient confidentiality thing. But I just know that my mother will be hurt if I exclude her (which I really want to just to save her from feeling pain from my pain).

I want to be helped without anyone knowing about it.

Hour Of Plugged-In Solitude

After an hour of working by myself plugged into my ipod with tunes of music from the greats of Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald, Otis Redding, and a few from other contemporary but still great artists, I feel a lot better now. Now I am just numbed and ready to put it all behind me. I still feel like crying and being by myself, but I'm okay now. Hurray for that. Happy birthday to me.

Lucky #7? I Think Not.

So today is indeed my 22nd birthday. I even woke up all hopeful and bright, especially with the gift today of lovely gloomy weather I really do love. I am now officially a year older. I feel better now after an hour had passed, but earlier today I just really want(ed) to go home and cry. Or just take a couple of large sleeping pills and waste the day in a blissful perpetual slumber.

I fear I may have been cursed my whole entire life since the moment of birth.
I got a speeding ticket this morning trying to get to work. Location: just a block from work. Congratulations to me for being the most unlucky person in the world. Really, go me. I feel like I shouldn't go out anymore because I seem to get punished everytime I do. (This weekend was great, this morning right before the ticket I had even been feeling horribly guilty and shitty for my acts of enjoyment over this past weekend. Looks like the universe once again stepped in and did its deed to preserve my stature as the one who has the least chance in survival) This is why I can't seem to find the resources or faith to actually believe in God. Cheers.

Actions > Words

So I have been meaning to write this entry for a long time now; I just never found the motivation or time to actually care. But I do want to make some kind of marker in my history so here it is.

I am so sick of all these guys coming up to me and making all of these false promises of wanting something more with me and what not. Be serious. Actions speak louder than words losers.

I can't tell you just how many guys I have encountered this summer who have all been, hmm shall we be slightly vulgar? who have all been trying to seriously "holler" at me. They have all been saying sweet nothings of hopes and promises to me and wanting to "do things right" and blah blah fucking blah. They know there's not even a maybe chance of getting anything from me; yet, (I guess to commend their courage and bravado) they get up the nerve to approach me and lay it all down.

And really, nothing ever comes from words until proper action is taken in order to secure the progress of execution and success. I love words, given that I majored in one of my passions. But these words, there is a difference. I know there is a difference between truth and pure bullshit.

You say you've thought about this for years, yes I am talking to several of you, but yet when push comes to shove, you can't man up to actually do anything about it to make me believe you. You get butthurt that I stopped speaking to you. Hello? I'm not about to put my life aside just to try to get to you.

Stop trying to fill me up with your trials of righteousness and self worth of you trying to be something more to me than what really is.
I told you, I play for keeps; that's if I play. You wonder why I'm so hard to get to, this is why. You wonder why I don't ever give an inch until time has been spent and contemplated or worth has been proven. This is why.

And to those who have tried to follow through: Stop fucking calling or texting me, obviously if I haven't picked up in months, that means I am not interested. Sorry and thank you.

On a side note***
Isn't it strange that the one you want never seems to work out while you get thrown a whole bunch of trite selections? I don't know, maybe I am too picky. I've been told that constantly time and time again haha. No, actually I am too picky. But why shouldn't I be? Why settle? I am a person with high expectations and standards. I don't think that they should be lowered to allow more assholes into the spectrum of my world.

Anyway! Haha. I am feeling light and free today on this happy Friday. I hope everyone is having a lovely day. Cheers lovers.

Still

It's crazy how much I still miss you. You even dropped in on me unexpectantly the other day. It's crazy that I know I will probably always miss you. Given our relationship, it would be fiction not to. And we are definitely nonfiction.
But I'm trying to let go again. It's hard because I want to tell you everything that happens all the time and I know I can't. I almost just texted you again but I stopped myself from reaching into my SIM phonebook to get your number. I would have to do that because I have deleted your number from my cellular's phonebook in hopes of preventing further embarassing drunk confessions. Even though you don't ever seem to mind. I just can't really delete your number completely. I know.

I can't allow myself to do that to myself again. I know I can't keep letting myself get hurt over you time and time again. Stephen I miss you everyday and this sucks. Today is the first day I have actually allowed myself to really think about you, and it surprisingly aches really badly. I haven't allowed my heart to ache this badly ever since the last time I let it become punctured. I realize I have yet to archive what exactly happened while in Vegas, but in due time. Everything in due time.