Like The Wind

I feel like I'm slowly fading away..

I have no one.
And it hurts too much.

WHY?

I hate the screwy shit in life that is impossible to change no matter how much you want it to. The shit that makes you just so stuck that you're unable to reach your full potential.

I get so frustrated sometimes and so bottled up of emotions that I feel like I just want to scream. And yeah I'm not wired to cry when I'm sad, but when I am irate, I tear.

I'm so sick of my family life. I'm so sick of how I'm so rooted into my family that I can't ever get away from it and become my own person. My shitty traditional Chinese ideologies of what is honorable and what a good daughter should do is so ingrained in me that I can't escape no matter how much I wish I could. It's caused me to make so many fucking sacrifices that right now I can't stand it. I know I'm so fortunate to be living the life I am, but I wish I were as lucky as the lucky ones out there that don't have to worry about this shit. The ones that don't have to worry about money or the burden of family issues.

I hold it in when I am around them because a good daughter cannot explode. I do so on occasion but only when I just cannot take it anymore, but it's not a good thing to do and definitely not a good virtue. But I just get so frustrated sometimes that most of the time I just want to be alone. I don't want to even be around them.

I hear them just in disagreement constantly and fighting all the time and I hate it. And I hate to say it, but I sometimes wish I were born into a different life. I told Paul one day in border's when he tried to actually ask me something personal, which of course I immediately dodged and censored, that "it's just too hard sometimes." And it's true. Why do things have to be so hard? And that other people have it so easy?

The prettiest and skinniest are always so amazing and yet I, the hopelessly flawed one with only music and my passion for the English language to be there to even try to save me when I am hanging off of a fucking cliff.

I have the worst skin- a combination from my mother and father, I have the worst bone structure- scoliosis and big bones from my father's side, and I wish I were skinny, but I'm so curvy and thick I can't stand my own body. Everyday is an issue for me.

I have had my heart broken EVERY FUCKING TIME. My heart has been broken so many times that there are just holes, bruises, and scars everywhere. The last time I cut myself, I went in deep and now I have an ugly scar as a reminder. I'm so broken inside that I can't stand it. And I want to cut myself more, but people tend to question your wounds. You can't ignore an ugly wound. (And I'm actually astonished here at my honesty for it has taken me a long time to even admit to anyone about my coping mechanisms with shiny and sharp cutlery when I am left to my own vacant solitude and made up choice. believe me before I even make the decision I usually can talk myself out of it.)

My family is BROKE. I can't even get into that aspect.

Why is it that the lucky ones out there are just so damn lucky and the shitty ones just keep getting kicked to the fucking curb. You see? This is where I have an issue in terms of faith. I don't know what to believe in. If there were an all beneficiary "god" then why do the good people still get shitted on? I want to believe in something so badly, but I don't know if I can anymore.

I'm seriously breaking down.
And truth be told, I kind of just want it all to be over.

I'm Not Gonna Lie, I'm Drunk

I hate how sometimes I just want to cry so bad to make up for everything that makes up my hurt. But I can't because I'm wired differently. And nothing will come out anymore when I truly need it.

Day 1

This is Day 1.
Day 1 of me trying to live my life without any of you. I haven't been filtering out you guys as beneficially and efficiently as I usually do and am supposed to. And I need to. And I want to. (But we all know just how poorly disciplined I am in the things that I have to do or should do haha. I'm working on it) I'm so sick of the opposite sex and relationships and lust or infatuation. I'm so sick of anything to do with any of that. So sick of the expectation, anticipation, and all the emotions that cloud everything all up. And it's not just those of the opposite sex! It's just everyone in general with the few select close lovelies whom I call my true friends. Just people that tend to piss me off on a daily basis. And usually I never use the word "piss" or any form relating to the word because I fully loathe vulgarity or phonetically ugly words. But I really feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people, all the time. Do any of you ever feel like that? Like you are just so different and don't fit into the environment you're forced to be submerged in? I'm constantly becoming irritated because of just how stupid the "unnecessaries" inhabited by others are. And it's a shame because i know there is so much more to life than this. I'm just stuck in an inbetween right now.

And I feel like for the first time in a while, I really just want to be alone and left alone to do my own thing. I'm so sick of everything and I just want my own peace of mind and solitude. And I actually am quite content and happy about this resolution I've come to.
So this is Day 1. Day 1 of trying this new method. I don't mean shut the world out "emo" style. (Though I do love to do that sometimes.) But more so greater focus on my own being and not putting having to put up with other people or things that I don't want to deal with. I've always said that we're old enough to filter out just who and what we want in our lives and don't want in our lives. And I've seemed to have lost own of my rules to live by as this quarter's mediocrity has taken its influence on me. It's time I regain it back by applying it. This may be the beginning of a new catharsis. How exciting.

Life, Or Something Like It

Life's a trip. A big one. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the eternal hope of the sublime goal. Inevitable happiness that will ultimately heal my soul and entire being. Someday it'll meet me more than halfway. It has to.

Alex & Sam

So I just came across the unsigned group called Alex & Sam, they are a sort of indie/folk group. But their song "The One" has a bit of a different feel to it. And I have to admit, I'm in love with it. It's a bit wistful and romantic set behind a slightly jazzy/bluesy feel. I have a thing for slow jazz/blues. There's something romantic about it to me.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to discuss though. I just wanted to say with a wistful sighh, (I realized I've used wistful twice in this entry in a short period of time, but that's the kind of mood I am in now and it is the word I chose to milk for all its worth. Mind you, I'm not in a bad mood, in fact wistful is a rather great and sweet mood)

It's just too bad, for we could be so beautiful.

Uhuh

Sometimes I truly believe that the only thing that can save me is music. Right now is one of those moments. I don't want to do anything anymore. (Like serious recluse style) I don't even really feel like being social though I do have many social opportunities. I'm just not feeling anything and I don't know the reason why.

All I want to do is stay in bed all the time and for it to rain. I'm feeling kind of meh and I have no idea why. Or it could be just that mid-quarter slump and me having a mad case of senioritis. I haven't been going to my classes regularly and I've lost momentum as well as motivation. Tired of this routine and already ready for this quarter to be over. Bleh. I also am completely procrastinating on my essay but I have plenty of time to do that for it is due tomorrow by midnight.

For right now I just feel like lying on my bed and listening to music. Usually when I am at home, that doesn't happen very often unless I am soaking in the tub after a long and rough day. But right now, I don't know. I must be in some sort of mood; I just can't pinpoint it yet. But I know the only thing keeping my spirits from plunging into an endless abyss right now is music. Oh and the smell of the autumn air doesn't hurt either if you're just that lucky enough to catch a gust of it that makes the smallest moment beautiful. Is it weird that that is one of the things I love? The certain way the air smells sometimes? For that fleeting second, the true world reveals itself and things become simpler and clearer again just long enough for my self preservation to work a bit overtime to keep me sane.

Blue Moon Tuesday

So I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess I just had to pull myself out of the mood. That's how most things go right? So me and my friends are having a blog/LAN party as we speak. It's kind of fun and we're sipping on a couple of Blue Moon Belgian-Style Wheat Ale beers. Pretty sweet for a chill Tuesday and really good with orange slices. If you've never tried it with orange slices before, you really must. Once you've done it, you can never go back.

I really have nothing much to say right now because this blog was spur of the moment so more depth will come in due time. I'm sure of it. Though I hope you all are having a lovely Tuesday. Oh! I almost forgot, I'm going to see the Pixies in concert tomorrow at the Palladium. And Weezer has a new song out that is so fucking cute. Sweeeet. (:

It had me at the title; I gotta love it.

I'd Rather Stay In Bed

So Monster Massive was last night and I was completely not feeling it and I think it's left me unbalanced again. Or maybe it was a long time coming and I was overdue for a mood change. I'm not sure. My mental state of mind and chest feels differently like there's something unsettling there. And I'm not sure why. I don't want the start of the week to begin. There is so much to do and so many obligations pulling at me all at once. And I don't want to do any of it. All I want to do is just stay in bed and sleep the rest of the week away. This weekend was fun but I feel like seriously resorting back to filling up my hermitting quota.

Because Blood Is Thicker Than Water

At least that what they say right? What does that even really mean? Why compare blood to water? Unless you really want to dig deeper and break it down. I guess you could compare water to the fact that our bodies are made of what 95% water? I'm sure I've got the statistics wrong. (another reason thus proving that I am indeed an English major) So I guess that would make sense. But I still don't know where that phrase came from.

Anyways I digress. Right now I am taking a slight break from gathering all of my materials and studying the piece along with 3 other translations I have chosen to analyze and discuss before I begin my midterm paper for my Middle English literature class. Sounds so fun right? The reading of poetry and prose yes, the hard stuff such as the difficulty in reading Old English, not so much, but the feeling of productivity and actual acknowledgment of knowledge retainment, priceless and what we all strive to hope for when we choose to take a class yes? Yet the beyond bummer thought of having to write this paper that isn't too tough of a task for me to do still supercedes the priceless feeling. I cannot wait for this quarter to be over already. I think it's just the production of my classes that I thought were going to be great but turned out to be sub par.

Okay I know I digressed again.
So the main point of this entry, can you guess it? Family of coz. (When I spell things wrong it is on purpose to make emphasis in a different tone and voice in my head that in person would make a lot more sense but for now a virtual substitution will just have to suffice)

So I came home early from school today so that I could recharge to have enough prolonged energy to write my term paper. My father and brother came home early surprisingly early enough for us all to have dinner together. My father happily cooked us all a fabulous simple Chinese/Taiwanese meal. And then the toleration and understanding of the need to tolerate certain remarks and personalities kicked in. But I have already divulged plenty about those specific problems and this entry is not about that so much.

This entry is about how my father notifying us that he will be returning back to China (his routine business trips that go way back to when I can't even remember) again soon this Saturday. My mother is in Japan right now on vacation and she is said to be returning on Sunday. This fact hit me as a bit odd because as a child one examines and knows the behavior of their parents up to a certain extent quite well enough to know when something is out of the ordinary. And they have never been not here far away out of the state separately before. Granted my parents are always gone but when they are both gone, they are gone together on business trips to the east coast. The standard protocol is waiting for my mother to get back so that my father can then leave. (You know, leaving the "children" behind is not "what is done")

I don't know how I feel about this. No, actually I do know how I feel. I'm a bit shocked, confused and the heart sunken feeling is a bit greater in my chest at the moment. But you deal. I deal. You deal because you have to and that there is no other choice. That how the impossible gets done. That's how things get done.

I've never understood how people could not get a job done such as finish a paper by the deadline. They seemed to have "run out of time." I always am able to finish by just cranking what needs to be done out of me. I finish because there is no other option. Because it has to be done. Because there is no other way it can be. That's how things get done.

I just find it odd. And at the same time I feel a horrible sadness for my parents. I wish they were and could be eternally happy. I wish things were different and that it all were enough. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough in this broken family and their broken lives. It's never enough, unfortunately. Shitty life that somehow manages to screw each and everyone one of us sometime or another made it just as so.

I know I am tied down so completely by the roots they've implanted in me when I was created. I know because of my family that there will always be things I will have to sacrifice and not be able to do because of these burdens. I know it's unreasonable and unfair to say that this burden is on me being as I am the youngest of me and my brother. And who am I to think that and make is seem like it is worse than my parents' issues. But that's not what I am saying, I know my problems are completely minute compared to theirs and others. But what I am saying is in terms of my brother and his ties to the family, he's broken free without looking back because our personalities ethics and morals are completely opposite. But he's wasting that gift and opportunity so badly.

I have come to realize that now and more and more as the time nears for me to graduate and decide what I want to do for my life, the opportunities that are so reachable diminish because I know they can't be those options for me. There is so much I want to do in life that is far greater than the boundaries of these 150 mile radii, but I know my weakness of not wanting to leave my family and break free from them because of the hurt and loneliness I know they will in ultimately feel will be detrimental.

I know I am 21yrs old and "should" be old enough to take this and handle it in a "mature" fashion. But really now? When is one old enough? Is it even about age? Age isn't anything but a number right? Or is it more about mentality? And if so, when are you mentally mature enough to handle extreme issues? The thing is there never is a right age or time. You figure out a way to deal in order to survive. (Survive meaning live life the best way you know how or can. Not literally for all you literary impaired)

Ugh and now to begin my paper. This should be fun.

Reflexivity?

So it suddenly just hit me. (Err.. well sort of after my trials of mental processing today) And I think I need to do some major improvement in myself and for my entire being. I need to seriously focus more on myself and how I can be better in terms of my own standards. I think I managed to put on hold, without knowing it, my constant strive for self improvement. It's like I maybe lost myself in the mist of all the newness of events. Like maybe I broke off too many pieces of myself to give away enough so that I maybe lost myself along the way. Haha does that make sense? I'm sure it's a bit confusing. It is even to myself.

I really need to work on focusing on solely myself and my own priorities that don't involve other factors that cloud my own spirit. I need to think ahead about the decisions I make. Perhaps then I'll begin to feel grounded again.

It Isn't Poetic, It's Hollow

I've wanted to repost this entry into my blog a couple of days ago but with the blogger outage that happened, it was delayed. But here is it and this entry is so beautiful that I felt I had to talk about it. The words Elle wrote are so exact and poetic. The picture Le Love posted with it is also so beautiful and pure art in a way that I can't even find the right words right now to even express how I feel about this entire entry. But for a girl who used to lay in the street at night and look up at the sky, everything about this is beautiful.

like death without the sleeping part


weheartit

The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.

-elle

Posted by Le Love at 10:55p.m.

I hope you love it as much as I do.

What Did You Expect?

Honestly? The emotional part of me feels like this: It is what it is because I couldn't afford to be the one to be the first to put myself out there. Because I was scared as hell to do it again. But I wanted you to do something; I was waiting for you to take the initiative and wanted you to make me. But the door is now closed. You closed it before even giving it a try the right way. People are so dense.

It's crazy how I'm more affected by the what could have been than what really is in front of me considering all factors. Being a girl and having all these fluctuating hormones is a trip and makes me laugh hard sometimes.

The real sense part of me feels like this: The sad part is that I knew it wouldn't have worked out given out personalities and I was okay with that. It was just too off. But it wouldn't have hurt to try and it might have even been fun. The sad part is how much this doesn't even seem to remotely affect you, but somehow I've managed to let it affect me the little tiny bit that I have let it. But regardless I do what I do best, which is to keep moving forward. And I'm already over it. Good game.

Shit's DUNZO.

***3:39p.m.
Oh I failed to mention I bought a new book a day ago which I am dying to indulge in. (Though I have yet to finish reading the other three books in the side bar. Though I put them on hold months and weeks ago. Haha!) Cheers.

"Because That Is Just What Is Done And What A Good Daughter Does"

So I just spent the day just spending time with my father because I don't want him to be lonely when my mother is gone. As I am putting all my thoughts down virtually I'm sitting here and I can't seem to find the right words to say to express my sentiments. I can't seem to find the correct words to accurately portray whatever it is I'm feeling at the moment so forgive me if my words seem less than up to par today and more random and incohesive than normal.

So here goes.

I know that just being around my mother or father gives them a sense of comfort. To know that I am home and just there. It evokes a calmness wrapped up with the comfort of unity and what was for my parents. I feel that it serves to benefit them and ease their daily burdens they will carry along with them for the rest of their lives. I feel that if there is one thing I can do, it is to try to ease their turmoil regardless of my own. Because my troubles don't matter to me so much in terms of the whole picture, but theirs matter to me. I can't say I've been exceptional at trying to be a good daughter, at times I may even be quite unpleasant, but I do try to manage and do what I can given the circumstances. Deep down despite my liberal nature, I am a good girl and good daughter. It's in my blood and will always be there.

It's difficult. The pressure of family. I try hard but sometimes it's unbearable. I spend time with him and the whole time he's asking for his own reassurance in petty matters that obviously stem from a greater deep rooted issue. But not only is he asking for constant reassurance of whether or not whatever he happily cooked for me is the best of the best, he's also putting down the comparisons of my mother's skills as well. He has this way of tongue that whenever he says something always sounds so spiteful and vindictive whenever he speaks about or to my mother. I just don't understand why it has to be such a competition for him. Why he always wants to one up my mother. It's not a competition. Competition shouldn't even be a factor. The comparisons shouldn't even be there because it's just one of those things in two completely different categories that can't be compared. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit lazy right now to be slightly more than loquacious and articulative at the moment, bare with me)

He's also constantly criticizing what I'm doing all at the same time. How can there be a hope to grow into something greater and better if the only thing to develop from it is negativity?

It's like I can never be just good enough for both of my parents.

I have explained issues with my father in my entry The Dreaded Topic.

It's just so hard sometimes. I find myself saying that a lot lately. "It's just hard, I wish things were easier" in fact I said that last night. The pressures and unresolvable issues that will forever be there no matter how much I wish it would disappear. And I hate myself for not being able to sometimes bear all of their personality and behavior to just suck it up, all the frustrations and just put my stubbornness aside to just make them happy by just being around them. I hate myself for even thinking and feeling the negative thoughts sometimes of just wanting to be left alone and sometimes feeling a slight hatred whenever the nagging becomes too unyielding. I know "it's because they care" but goddamn this must be some warped and twisted Chinese way to love a child that will eventually scar them for their entire lives. Why does it have to be that way? Some fucking tradition. (Someone told me last night while in a bookstore that he hated Asian literature because they always seem to have the most emotional issues and baggage because of their stoicism and because of their supposed submissive nature that produces a stream of heavy baggage to affect their entire lives, they are expected to be and have the most forceful sentiments) It seems confusing but it all seems to make sense to me and interconnects everything to me as a whole.

And then I feel guilty for even thinking those negative thoughts. It's just so infuriating and overwhelming sometimes. It's too fucking much sometimes so much that it makes me want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" whenever I'm around them. I love them to death and hands down would rather have something bad happen to me in place of anything harming them ever. I wish I could take away all of their pain, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wish our family was really all sunshine and rainbows.

So I paid my father company until I couldn't do it anymore. It always starts out as a good idea and then slowly but steadily the subtle and not so subtle hints of negativity that seem to infuriate me so come out. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a daughter because I can't even do this one thing for him. But I tried for 5 good hours.

10 Minutes Til 3a.m.

I hate how I feel so much like crying sometimes and that I never can. I wish so bad that I could cry physically so that some way it could somehow relieve the pent up and bottled up as well as repressed emotions that have been circulating within my body and my entire being and soul for so long. I hate that I am really ultimately so broken when it all comes down to it. I'm afraid that I'm so defective that it isn't possible for me to lead a normal and happy life let alone be around normal people. I find myself just curbing the truth and avoiding topics.

I'm so afraid to just let people in now. And I'm sorry that it's just so hard for me to do so. I don't think I know how to let people in anymore. I'm just so scared that I'll end up getting screwed over and hurt again. I don't think I could chance it again or have that happen again. I don't think I have that bit of hope in me anymore to be able to risk it all again.

Okay Really

Last night I was planning to write an entry but due to the mishap of the blogger outage, it was not possible. (Thank you so much blogger technicians for correction the errors, you've saved the souls and spirits of an impossible many)

Anyways, so as I have said, my mother has gone away for a bit for a much deserved vacation without the baggage.

As I was throwing my litter into the trash, I saw an empty liquor bottle in the bin. I have noticed liquor bottles within the years. And to be honest, I'm scared that my father begun to resort to intoxicating himself to feel less lonely. My brother has mentioned it to me once in the past but I've tried to just repress it and hope for the best. No one wants to hear the real damage and messiness of reality. It's true. So they choose to just ignore the obvious in hopes of a better feigned sort of reality.

I'm sorry, that I love you so dearly and yet can still do nothing to ease your poor quality of life. Shit happens. Life screws you, and you deal. I wish that I could ease and make my entire family happy, but thus it is ultimately impossible. (Fuck the overused cliche that anything is possible, because it's fucking not. For those of you that believe so, I hope you learn soon the real harsh truth of it all)

It's just so too bad that this is what it is right?

What A Fucking Waste

So I may be starting to PMS, but I'm slightly perturbed. By people who have had more than enough privileges and opportunities when growing up and those that are far more fortunate and well off income wise without having to work for it. (Mind you I'm speaking about people my age) Not to say that all are like this, but the fact that they just don't understand the concept of money and how hard it is to come by. For example, those that complain and feel like it's a hassle to HAVE to go on a vacation say to Europe with their family. Oh god your life must be so fucking rough to deal with this difficult day to day stupid hassles and inconveniences. I don't know if it's because I'm Chinese and that it's in my blood to be frugal, but I feel like they just can't seem to understand how things aren't just that easy. Just because something breaks, it doesn't mean it's just that easy to go out and buy a new one. Money is an issue; it's not something that can just be taken lightly. I hate money, I hate what it does to people and I hate everything that comes along with it. I hate it, but we all desperately need it to live.

I just don't understand how people just don't have the fucking sense in them to understand that it isn't all fucking sunshine and rainbows with everyone in the world. Especially with the faltering economy right now, everything SUCKS.

It just pisses me off that some people just don't even know!It's such a waste of a mind. Like they don't have that ability or depth to understand. I just wish they had better sense about things. Enough sense to understand that some things can't be compared or grouped together because of different factors involved. It doesn't work that way.

Some people are just for fortunate and they take it forgranted. They don't see how lucky they are to not have to worry about financial stability or anything else for the matter. They don't see how lucky they are. It gets to me so badly that people are so damn lucky and they don't fucking see it. A million people plus one, plus me, would kill to be in their shoes, die to be in their place.

I don't know, maybe they just have a bit more growing up to do, maybe a lot more growing up and understanding to do (the sad part is that some won't ever learn), but god stop fucking crowding me with your insipid lack of logic and stop pissing me off!

Le Japan

So I came home late today about almost 1a.m. and took a shower and groomed a bit. My mother came into my room and told me her big news. That she would be making a trip to Japan until the 1st of November for vacation. To be honest, I'm really happy for her. I want her to be happy. She absolutely deserves a break for some fun with the girls. And I'll definitely miss her.

The thing is, I'm worried about my father and how he's going to be until she comes back. I'm worried and sad. I'm sad that he's so lonely and just that lonely. But I guess since he has his computer and big screen television that he should be okay. It's very difficult for me to connect with my father. He has never really been around for my entire life and although everyone loves to be hopeful and use the overused cliche of "it's never too late," it actually is. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but the gap is too big and he's been living in China's naive and childlike bubble for his whole lifetime. It's just too hard. As rudimentary a statement as it is. It's true and I have no other way to put it. Because I know that my brother has already disconnected himself from the family, I'll definitely try to have dinner with him or keep him company on the weekends whenever I can because that's what I do. That's what a good daughter does and I still love him immensely as do the rest of my family. And I always will.

It definitely is rough, but I feel like someone has to be the one to try and keep the family together. It's rooted in my entire being. It may be just a mere part, but a part it still is and I can't deny nor detach away from it. The strings will always be there and the burden will always be there. But good night for now.

Newly Renovated

So I have just spent the past 5-9 hours cleaning, moving out all my pack rat sentimental junk, moving in new furniture, vacuuming every which way to get every speck of debris and dust, and moving back in my stuff while organizing it a lot bit better. Haha. And I've got to tell you. I'm LOVING my new room! I now have a full sized bed as opposed to my single sized bed that I could barely toss and turn in let alone with my pillow forts that I so love to build. I also have a new desk that I'm loving. Everything is in a different place and though I feel like I need to use a coaster now in my room (HAHA it's true! I do feel that way) I love love love it. My room feels more open and spacious and less cluttered. Some kind of catharsis eh? Don't you just love that word? Because I know I do.

Not a bad consolation to not being able to paint my room. Sighh, but a girl can dream can't she? I hope you all are having a lovely week! I know I am! And tomorrow, or should I say in a couple of hours (I count days when I wake up, not necessarily when I stay up late) it will be friday. One of the best days of the week! And a weekend full of fun fun fun. (:

Through the weather has reverted back to a stifling heat and with the past rain the air has now become slightly humid. I loathe humid air because it makes it difficult to breathe, but it's okay and bearable because tomorrow is friday! Harhar and I'm in such a good mood.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! I know I will. <3

Um Yeah..

So I feel like I need to write a new entry just so that ugly one titled This Is So Stupid isn't there poisoning my mind because every time I visit my blog I'm reminded by those awful sentiments. And I want something more positive to take its place. This is why I hate going backwards and more so I can't ever go backwards. I hate anything that reminds me of the past and I always have to move forward. My friends sometimes hate the fact that I can't ever go backwards, but I would just rather go forward and not look back. What's so wrong with that?

So, the weather has started to get really cold and gloomy. And I've got to tell you I love it! But I am feeling a bit better. I have just encountered a massive amount of great music. So that always lifts my spirits up a bit. Oh how I thrive on change.

This Is So Stupid

I know I'm supposed to be over you. And in a way I am. I'm over who you are, I just can't quite get over what was. The ease, chemistry, and greatness. That's the hardest part right?

But I need to get something off of my chest.
I know I'm supposed to be over you.
But it still royally sucks to see you when you hit on other people that also include my friends. I can't help feeling shitty though I wish I wouldn't because I know you're a complete manipulative douchebag and completely not worth it. I know that.

Seriously who does that? Just because you have to have someone to hit on and have no one else to play with? Can't you find some other people to hit on? Preferably new?

I always thought people had standards for I know I have high standards and expectations, but how can people just hit on anything and everything that moves just because they can't help themselves or that they need something like that to fulfill their night?

How can you just go through people like that? Treat them like they're everything for a couple of months and then decide you're over it and then treat them like nothing. It's a bit inhumane.
I hate that I let you do that to me. I hate that I thought I saw the good in you, but I turned out to be so wrong. I hate that you let me down because I believed in you. And that's what's making it so hard to be completely completely over and done with you. I'm holding on to the idea of goodness and not really processing reality- that you're not genuinely a good person that I really like and would like to associate myself around. And I need to let the part of me, that still hopes for something better, go. It's just hard to let a part of me that makes up some of my essence and passionate life go so easily. It's hard to give up because I'm not one to quit when things get hard. I always try to find a resolution. Though I have learned that some things are insolvable.

I do say that we're old enough to filter who we want in our lives and who we don't want. And I've always had a firm grasp of that concept and filtered out who I don't want. It's just hard this time around because of the easy nature we had in our relationship. Had I only known that that's what he does. I need to let go of the idea of what once was and understand the manipulative nature of it all that wasn't right for me.

I hate that I can't help but believe that the world is still good despite all the shit life screws you with. I still believe people can be good. Yet in turn with that belief, I end up screwing myself.

But getting this off my chest has done some good in helping me further because it's made me think and process it out to unravel the full extent of some issues. When I write these entries my thoughts develop into other things that often arrive to affirmations and revelations of emotions, I never know how my entries are going to end. My thoughts just seem to develop and digress into other things. My entries are basically me speaking my mind and working things out in my mind. In the end they help me to figure out my next step in how to continue to keep going forward. Advice is just basically what you already know reiterated back to you right? And now that it's all out, I do feel better because I am now back to understanding my own emotions and actions. I feel a lot better actually.

New Expression Cravings

So I have been thinking about this for a while and I've decided to make over my room this week. It should be excellent since I love side projects and I feel like I just need a new change in my life. I thrive off of any sort of change and this decision involving my room which is my sanctuary, this should be good.

What I really want to do is paint it, but me being Chinese/Taiwanese and my parents being still quite rooted in tradition, I cannot. Asians have this thing about having white walls and that we're allowed to put stuff on it that can be removed but never anything like paint. I blame it on the notion that people are intimidated and afraid of what they don't know or what they don't know how to do.

My mother ranted that the paint would get everywhere and on the floor, yet for those that know of knowledge of paint, there is a lovely thing called tarp that would prevent such happenings. I blame and loathe the ignorance and fear of people. It's especially hard to deal with because I am very flexible and openminded when it comes to things. And this all royally sucks for I want to paint my room and ceiling a charcoal grey and design it with yellow altered stars and maybe draw a tree and definitely have a quote.

I'm also planning to revamp my entire room- curtains closet doors and all. But since my mother literally FLIPPED OUT childish style, the paint will have to wait. I want to paint it but sure that would be the death of my existence. So I am thinking of a new motif, I guess I'll just have to stick with all white. You have to make the best out of the situations you're given. Though I've waited my whole life to paint my walls. I'm starting to think that's why I'm not too creative, because every time I'd like to be, the ideas are shot down. But hopefully by this time next week, the furniture at least will be the way I want it.

In any case, I want to change my hair color as well and dye it completely bottle punk blonde. But seeing as how my mother flipped out on the paint issue, I don't know how I can win my way out of the one.

I know most people would just say "do whatever you want" and usually I do do that because I am old enough to make my own decisions. But Asians have this thing about being a good daughter or son and doing what is just right for the family. Inside I am rooted beyond anything to continue to be a good daughter because loosely translated from Chinese "it is what is right and what should be done."

I have dyed my hair in the past, but never anything as drastic as a whole head of blonde from a whole head of dark brown hair. My dad would surely flip because us being Chinese/Taiwanese in every traditional aspect with its customs and spiritual beliefs/superstitions, it would be clearly detrimental to my life. (Sarcasm intended but to my parents it's serious talk)

My family is pretty lenient on the things I do for example my physical appearance choices of hair dye, nail polish, black eyeliner- not a lot but enough for them to think its too dark, tattoos and past piercings at a number of 13- all which have been taken out. I've broken free of the model minority mold from my parents a long time ago, but there are still some things I know I have to abide by. I know when to push buttons and lines that cannot be crossed without some easing into or hesitation.

So to see the ungauged reaction of my mother's last night completely floored me. I don't know how they'd take the news of me wanting to change my hair color a complete 180 degrees. I'm even sure that these drastic changes in color- paint and hair dye, may not even happen. We shall see.

I hope you all are having a lovely weekend.

Post Week Breakdown

So my friend took me to go make an appointment and the whole time I was fighting the urge to run the other way. To be honest I wanted to chicken out. And had it not been for my dear friend with strong discipline, I would have chickened out. I started trying to justify my reasons and actions so that I wouldn't have to go and confront the possibilities of my issues. I tried to justify that since I was feeling better that maybe I was okay and that nothing was wrong with me afterall. But then I realized, no, that's denial, and as cliche as it sounds, denial is a sign of trouble not to mention my urge to prepare flight. So thus my appointment is this coming friday and we shall see what comes of it.

On another note, I'm starting to think that maybe something is wrong. I mean I may have flukes of feeling better, but ultimately, not so much. I feel like shit and I can't deny it or lie to myself anymore. Right now I feel awful and yes I kind of want to cry. I wish there was something that could completely remove my miserable feeling from my chest so that it was never there and that I was brand new. I hurt everywhere and everything hurts me. I need to stop lying to myself just to get through an issue that will eventually return if I don't ever really confront it.

Huh..

So tomorrow my dear friend is apparently taking me to the clinic to check out information about the possibilities of a chemical imbalance in me and hopefully look into some antidepressants. This should be interesting and I'm sort of looking forward to it. Maybe I could finally get some answers. Or maybe I am just overtly dramatic and stupid like the rest of them.

Oh The Possibilities

Really, let's not start to get all dramatic now.

No.. let's.

I think there might be something seriously wrong with me. I've often contemplated the thought of a possible chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe that would explain my extreme highs and lows and never inbetweens that I so wish I could find, hold on to, and never have to let go. Maybe that would explain the reason behind my irrational emotions that seem to not only fluctuate but also circulate in whatever way possible so much as it drives me insane.

I have no fucking reason why I should be unhappy or sad or dare I say it? Depressed. There is absolutely no viable reason why I should be so frustrated with anything and everything at once. It's really quite stupid. I've never been one take advantage or indulge in the dramatized option and speculation of saying you're depressed, but really you're just looking for attention. I've always loathed people that have done that because I know it's all bullshit.

I don't know. Could it just be the masochistic part of me winning each time? The fact that I can never just be happy or even just content or whatever that just didn't have to be classified as whatever is unhappy? Even though I so desperately wish it every single fucking day.

Perhaps the drug experimentation I've once seriously indulged in but now refuse to partake in that has seriously fucked up my mind?

Whatever it is, it shouldn't suck this much to just exist. I was feeling fine and then it just fucking hits me out of nowhere and I go empty (not in a good way because believe me the good numb way is so much better) and insecure and completely sad feeling like just crying for no apparent reason all at the same time losing all will to do anything but lie in my bed and just go through motions rather than live my fucking life. It shouldn't have to hurt so much on a daily basis. (Mind you this isn't a hurt from a guy because that would be really insipid because really I'm over that, this is a different kind of hurt stemmed from my too empathetic too compassionate and passionate traits that seem to make up part of what makes me me. This kind of hurt I've described in previous entries)

This is life. This is it; it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.
Yes this is my fucking life. So why is it that I'm losing all motivation to live it?

I question why am I feeling like this? No let's not get all Freudian and say well there must be some reason behind my emotions. I have spent countless years trying to decipher the meaning behind my emotions and just when I think I've understood them, guess what? You don't.

Honestly let's be serious. There logically should be no reason for my unfortunate change in attitude, outlook, and emotional state for I am very very fortunate to lead the life I lead. Life should be fucking great. Yet this emotional or hormonal shift happened out of no where! At least if I knew why that would make more sense. But nope.

I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy in my own mind and I know I have no one that understands. And those that do try, I am thankful for being there for me. For the reason I am quite closed off is because whenever you try, okay since we're getting personal, whenever I try, I get shitted on. Or more so people can't relate. People don't want to even know about the dirty hard stuff that is underneath. Simply because they can't take it. Or they think they can, but really they can't because once they get even a small glimpse of the disaster they cower and wish they had never consented or even thought they could handle it.

Do I expect too much? Maybe. But why shouldn't you have high expectations? I'm an idealist. Though I'm starting to think it's a major flaw in me.

And then I think maybe I'm fated to seriously be really alone because I mean all of these entries are my free flowing thoughts and really if I were another person reading any of this shit, I'd think I were crazy. Shit I do think I'm crazy. But I think, who would really put up with any of this shit? It would take a fucking miracle. No one wants to ever stay around for the destruction let alone help clean up the ruins.

And then I think is it just me out there? And then kicks in my eternally optimistic and hopeful ideology that I can't shake. Because I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. The world is filled with too many people and too many great minds to not be able to come up with an infinite amount of possibilities.

Or maybe blogging is what I really did need to feel better. Because somehow I feel a bit better now after all that contemplative destruction and free speech. Looks like I've come a full circle. It's insane how you can track my emotions just through my words small paragraph by paragraph. I've somehow managed to articulate my way back into feeling better remaining optimistic. I'm passionately in love with articulation. Though I don't think this stuff that fills my entries would be considered as writing. I don't think I'm a good writer. I wish I were, then I could say I'm passionately in love with writing. That would make more sense.

Everything is a constant.

We definitely are still young yet.

Everything Must Eventually Run Its Course.. And Thank God For That

The strangest thing. I was just going through the motions of my day today when a thought hit me. (As most of my revelations do tend to just hit me quite suddenly, that's the only way to have a full on epiphany right?)

It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Actually, it's barely there. Isn't that wonderful? It's more so just bittersweet now and that I can handle because it's not attached to longing for what was but it's more so associated with it was nice and now it's over and good that it's over. Even when I listen to music that reminds me of him it doesn't hurt like it did before. There's just a faint acknowledgment of what once was. But no pain that used to come in waves throughout my whole body that radiated from my chest outwards. Now they're just familiar good songs. I don't know the cause for this new start but often times I have to be hit by things suddenly to get it or more so get over things. (Once you make up your mind it's easy right?) But even so, it doesn't hurt as much anymore and I don't feel as much anymore. It's almost barely there. (I said almost, I didn't say it was all gone) I mean it's still slightly there, but I can feel it dissipating. This is good. So good that I felt I just had to share and archive this feeling of transformation. The process has started. Finally. (I just hope I don't relapse. Let's all hope. I never want to let you hurt me again.)

Could it be because of the immense amount of energetic cosmic change around me that I'm gladly feeding and thriving off of?

I feel like I'm finally starting to be okay. Returning back to my recluse ways that have always been my comfort resort. I feel like I don't need anything and I'm content again. I don't feel like something's missing and I also don't feel a great desire to gain something for what I think I'm lacking in. I'm okay with my current situations and state of mind. And I can't tell you how relieved I finally am. This is the feeling of liberation that I have been waiting for. To be finally free of the wounds that haven't been able to heal til now. I'm finally becoming the great person I once was and once was so proud of. Finally returning to my beloved nonchalant behavior and attitude. Because if you had mistaken me for someone who gave a shit, I'm someone who really doesn't and really doesn't want to.

This is so good.
This is great.
I feel like this is it.
I feel like I don't feel anything anymore.
I'm over you. So over you.

It's Happening Again And I Love It

Whenever I discover new music that radiates throughout my body and soul. It completely consumes me and creates a beautiful feeling that miraculously takes away all the bad things if even for a moment.

Also, fall is here again. And I love it. A bunch of nostalgic and wistful air that brings back the ambiance of lovely past sentiments. It's all over and all over and around me. I love it. I even love the smell of it when I happen to catch a breeze of it. It's paralleled to that dry summery air that I love to take in.

It's the air.

Sending Out A Wish Or Perhaps An Underhanded Plea?

Where did all the preferred finesse go? Where did all of the sweet guys who don't JUST want to get into your pants go? You know, the ones that are actually and genuinely sweet and devoid of any vulgarity/derogatory slander (at least in front of the girl they're trying to impress- no matter what guys will be just the same old slimy boys) or the ones that are not too overzealous at any chance they get from what kissing can lead to. The ones that go slow and are subtly sensitive enough about a girl's fucked up past to take it into consideration before acting douchey. All it takes it just one false move to kill perfection. And I hate that. (Perfection in my eyes doesn't have to be perfect, but it's a feeling that gets pretty close and a must in the beginning for a successful transition. And perfection meaning something that can be spun into something beautiful- give me a break, I afterall am a complete idealist and hopeless romantic)

I mean what is there a fucking sign on my head or our heads- us girls I mean- that say we prefer douchebaggery over the slightest bit of romance or even sensitivity for the matter? Romance and compassion doesn't have to be mushy because believe me, I do hate immensely mushy and cheesy things. They make me sick to my stomach. Yet girls do prefer romance and all that over a fucking tool. But then again us girls do tend to be attracted to assholes. But TRUST ME, you "boys" would have a whole lot more luck if you were more subtle. (I say boys because there is a huge difference between a real man and a boy- figuratively speaking of course. A real man holds so much more weight and there are so few in our lives that step up to the plate yes?)

What a trip. Don't you just loathe how everything's completely twisted and contradictory? I do.

One Shot To Remember, One More Shot To Forget.

Yeah.. pretty much. Enough said. Alcohol, one of many miracle substances.

Yet..

Yet there is this other guy in my life. There are many others that I could most definitely rebound off of though proudly I've chosen not to while relentlessly physically pushing them away with force. (My greatest feat thus far that I happen to be quite proud of.. Yes as of now, I am very much striving to work on my weak self-discipline and not give in to instant gratifying temptation)

But this one guy. He's a good one and I know it. We've become great friends over these few months miraculously, I mean how often does that happen? Really.

And with one instance of him whether it be in person or not; without reason, it seems to brighten up my mood no matter what somehow.

Yet I'm unsure. We're friends. We've become those friends that are awkward yet are able to be comfortable and say anything at the same time. Weird right? And he's able to say even the slightest statement and suddenly make me feel better or make my day better when it's turning to shit for the matter.

I don't know. Sometimes, I think of him. And it makes me feel somewhat elated and better about all the shit that has gone on with me. But he is just a friend and I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like, but truthfully, I can't really imagine it no matter how great of a guy he is. Yet, somehow I feel like that's just all we'll ever be. Friends. (Maybe I know it with confirmation in my every being) Like for both of us that we'll be nothing more ever. How twisted is that?

And the only reason I would ever admit this is because I am ever so slightly inebriated with vodka right now. Lovely liquid isn't it?

Okay, I Guess Hit In The Face With A Harsh Reality.. But Not Really (I Mean Really?.. I Don't Think So)

I drank with an old friend tonight.
Drinking is always good. Any sort of inebriation that involves even a slight distraction away from the harsh consequences and mediocrities of life is a plus.
But unfortunately when it comes down to it, the utterly honest, cold and sad truth of it all is that, I miss him. So much. Even when he's actually near. And yes it makes sense; don't tell me it doesn't. But I know, how completely pathetic. It's almost bittersweet (not really), but really, completely unfair (all too unfair). Yet,I will continue to keep moving forward in hopes of a better reality because it's what I do best. It's the only thing I know how to do.

Universal Fate?

With every action there is a reaction, with every occurrence there is always something new to follow. Everything runs in cycles and it all follows a chain of reactions that fluctuate between action and reaction- they're interchangeable. But I digress, So I wanted to divulge that, with the new school year coming up, it's given me a surge of new hope. And I feel that this year is going to be good. I love change- that's probably the reason for my change in mood; every time a change happens it creates a high for me.

I strongly believe in the universally acknowledged phrase, "everything happens for a reason."

And I've got to tell you. At this point, I really and truly believe in it. And I'm so happy for that and so grateful. Thank god for that. (I'm not in any way religiously associated with God, if anything I'm Buddhist, but I overuse that phrase a lot)

Yes, last week I was crushed to find out that he, whose name shall not be mentioned, would not be in two of my upcoming classes in fall. (Coincidentally we had picked the same classes so ended up with 2.5 classes together) But something happened which made it so that he wouldn't be taking those classes. And really. All I've got to say is, thank god for that. At the time I was bummed out, but now after everything that has happened (I know it's still comically twisted how so many fucking things can happen in just a week or for the matter of minutes- whatever a short time can be defined as), I am relieved because I hate going backwards (which probably explains my fight or flight mentally, most days more so flight mentality) and this actually gives me a fighting chance to really start a new this time.

Everything does happen for a reason unfortunately and yes, regardless of whether we prefer it or like it or not, but in this one case it is fortunate. And I may have not known it at the time, I am filled with relief and gratitude. The things that we want aren't what are necessarily good for us and the discourse of things do suck, life isn't fair. But with every stumble there is ultimately a silver lining. Huh, spoken like a true eternal optimist huh. Well my unrelenting innate trait of hopefulness can't be helped. It is a part of my very essence. I believe in balance in the world, although most times it seems that life is too cruel and that it's more stumbles and mishaps than good things that will hopefully balance out the bad. I already know that things always do get better, they have to. I also take the much needed time for everything whether it be venting or wallowing. Everything needs its own time. Even when I'm on the verge of pure depression and clearly completely overwhelmed and consumed with despairing emotions, I always know things will ultimately get better, it's just the in between transitional period that is unbearable. Everyone needs their moment. Even if it's a bad one.

(I still don't know why I always seem to feel like I have to explain myself still after all this time, I really need to try harder to not do that and not care what others are going to think. Afterall, you don't know me personally in terms of face to face contact. But I guess I do it to clarify to you all that I'm not a dumbass like those naive girls out there that overreact and make the slightest detail into a big deal. But in result, I just end up repeating myself over and over again. Not good. will work on it.)

It's my process. 1. Get stunned- slight emotional breakdown; 2. Process (the literal image in my mind when I try to describe it to others is like a mechanical wheel turning, almost like the inner-workings of a clock)- the way my mind works is that it works things through in my mind and breaks then down logically for a resolution- it's my fierce self-preservation that I love- it's what makes me able to get over things as quickly as I do or not take things in as life-altering or destructive that normally other people wouldn't be able to; 3. Take the time needed- whether it be wallowing or struggles to repress, usually just a day or two for me and then I feel dumb and move on; and last but not least, 4. Get over it- by just continuously moving forward and telling myself that I can. It's a strong mental thing that I do.

Whatever I do, I always move forward, it might take some work, but I know what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. (I know I know, I'm filled with overused cliches) Again, you can't be sad all the time. (Yet most people would prefer to just dwell, I'm not one of them- it actually sickens me to dwell. My opinion, when it comes down to it, what has happened already happened and there's nothing you can do about it but to just get over it and move on)

Again, you have to have something to believe in right? Or else what's the point of anything?

Start A New Day.. Whatever

After a while of the processing of terrible flashbacks I would rather have permanently erased from my memory. I'm feeling a little better. Or more so not so much in writhing pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in the dark place. (It's almost as if I prefer to be in the dark place huh?) But now I'm more so just numb now with jolts of chest pain that come everyone once in a while. But numb is good. That's how I prefer to be all the time. And on the plus side, I don't think I'm going to be making it a habit of picking up my trusty knife. So that is good. I'm not stupid. Though I do feel like I'm very much wired differently and maybe somewhat defective when juxtaposed against and amongst all the happy and content people in the world. I feel misplaced. Maybe that's why I can't stand being around people for too long of an attitude.

But either way. I know I am all alone and I really have no one. But it's okay. I'm not complaining. I just tell it like it is. And it is what it is.

Update**4:30p.m.

And thank god my emotional and mental stability, or should I say instability is a bit better right now for this moment. I look at my gash or think about it ever few minutes while feeling the lingering sting of it. A scar is beginning to form which marks the transition of its slow healing. And for some twisted reason, it makes me feel better. Not the healing of the wound, but just the understanding and self acknowledgment that I did it to myself that makes me feel better. Almost like a good prideful rising in my chest mixed with an exhaling relief. Strange sort of catharsis huh? It's textbook.

But I still want all the pieces of me I ever gave away, to you especially, back.

Back In The Dark Place- Major Relapse

I can feel myself getting all dark and twisty again. Beginning to retreat back into the dark place.

I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. 5am.

Fuck My Life

Alcohol brings out the worst in people.

It's a fucking 9 right now. I hurt so badly. I hate it. Tonight didn't pan out at all the way I had hoped. I'm crushed. And he's a fucking complete TOOL. I should be so over it.

I hate who he is. I hate what he's made out of me. I'm not that girl. This is fucking bullshit. It's all FUCKING BULLSHIT.

I'm sorry I ever met you.

Never again. I swear. UGH. I wish that something could take it all away. ALL THE PAIN. Fuck all this shit. Fuck the universe and its harsh and unfair imbalances. This is such bullshit.

And I want to cry so badly right now. I wish I could. If it were only physically possible.

A Change For The Better?

So last night or more so yesterday, I started to feel a little better. I went out at night to L.A. and had loads of fun. My mood at the present has been better. I know, thank god right? How much of this morbid shit could I take or more so could you, who may be following my entries, take? And tonight I am going to my very close friends' party. It should be a blast. Yesterday I just kept telling myself. I'm so over it. I'm done. We're done. I feel in me an end of something and a new start. It's a cathartic feeling. And I like it.

I just hope alcohol doesn't cloud my judgment too much tonight. I hope I don't end up hooking up with him, yet again. (I did so the day of my own birthday kickback. Great.. right? Sarcasm intended of coz)

I feel good right now. This is good. And I'm very excited for tonight. A night for great mingling and meeting fresh faces. (: And not to mention, I'm going to look fantastic. (Of course I always do, but in the presence of a ex-lover, I make it a point to always look especially good. It's sort of like a universal rule right?)

The Bruises, Scars, And Fresh Wounds

I'm only 21 and it's it seems incredulous and almost incredible to me just how much I've been hurt. My mother told me at a very early age when the adolescent drama and competition with girls began, that my "heart was too good" and that it "wasn't good" because that meant that I would very "very prone to get hurt my entire life," boy was she right on the mark. My past history makes me think, were we really meant to become to messed up at such an early age? If it's a lesson to be learned, when is my lesson over? And shouldn't I have learned it by now? Or more so, if I haven't learned it now, then maybe I never will? Or when will I learn it?

Well Which one is it?

And believe me I've also taken to account and though about my "agony and pain" seeming like a huge joke or completely ridiculous and over dramatic because what does someone as young as I know right? I don't know. Age and development mentally is too debatable. So suck on that.

Sometimes I wish that there were some magical possibility that would make it able for all the pain I have ever felt and all the pain I carry with me on a daily basis to just disappear. I want a clean slate. I want what I can never have. I want it all to go away. People always say, well it's better to have your experience. But really? Is it really better to have a perpetual pain that sometimes radiates throughout my whole body in waves?

I hate to admit it, but I've had a lot of time to think. (Well I think a lot period)

And,

I want all it all back. The parts of me I involuntarily gave away. For the moments of love and bliss. All of them. Maybe if I got them back, I wouldn't feel such constant pang for every time I've ever been hurt. It all hurts and it's a fucking disdainful burden that not only I, but also we all have to carry around for the rest of our lives. If we're lucky some of it heals, if we're lucky. But the initial sting will always be there buried inside that black hole of our infinite heart beside the raw emotions (the ones we try to run far away from the years to come) we never want to relive again.

I don't live with regrets. At least I try not to. Which means the decisions I make are weighed beforehand every time (well almost every time, I try) I act on them. I'm on the fence if I wish I had never experienced what I have because of the severe emotional consequences that result.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I've been weighing that cliche for a while now after thinking back about every time the bottom's fallen out. And it really makes me reconsider everything. Is it really better? Better than the agony that seems to me or us will always be there?

Maybe it all still hurts me because I'm still young. I hope when I'm older, all these trials will have no effect on me.

I hate the piercing pain I feel in my, albeit if you will, heart (I know completely overused and cliche- but it's true and there's no other way to say it). It really feels like a knife that is being pushed further and further in without an exit. It just goes in deeper.

I love sleeping. In fact, I've been trying to sleep as much as I can, but sadly as late as I sleep, I haven't been able to sleep past 8 hrs. I know 8 hrs is the right amount, but I'm aiming for at least 10. I've become in love with my dreams. Not because I dream about a reality that doesn't exist (though that is a plus), but because it serves as a tremendous escape for me. (books and movies aren't having their usual effect of distraction lately) And I can't help but love it.

Sometimes I even think and try to dig within myself to try to figure out the root of my erratic downward spiraling emotions and I can't seem to pinpoint it. I mean I know the triggers, but the root of my depressing sentiments? I've no clue. Or maybe I do. I'm alone. Yeah, that must be it because it's true and it's what consumes me entirely every waking minute.

I sometimes make wishes. You know, the meaningless wishes with the clock strikes 11:11 or off of a blown away eyelash. I wish all the time to be continuously happy, or to find something to make me happy so that I won't have to feel a huge lonely void in me.

I'm scared that I'm too broken beyond repair. Unfixable. I've considered counseling or therapy, I really have, but right now I think, okay so what, you talk to try to understand a truth in you. Yeah, but does that really fix things? It just brings tragedy more into apparent view and how would you go about fixing it if you're already lacking to begin with?

I'm scared that I'll never really find anyone. That one person I wish for and dream for all the time. The one who will have the ability to calm me down the right way, and never have to lie to me or show cowardice. (I hate liars and cowards) The one who will have the understanding patience and not run when I get too complicated and difficultly crazy because I'm not lying, it'll definitely happen. Someone who will stick around for me.

I still believe in love. How can I not? I'm an idealist and a romanticist at that. I have to keep believing in something or else I'll lose myself completely.

I know everyone says that eventually your time will come and you'll find that one. Well what if it doesn't happen?

When I get a little too crazy into my head I always do keep myself in check and grounded, it's a terrible habit of mine to make things not into such a big deal though sometimes it's needed to be made into a big deal. I think self restrictions are sometimes more harmful than helpful. But my point is, part of what keeps me going is that I think, this happens to everyone. You hear about tragic heartbreak everywhere. If they can do it, then so can I right?

We should start a club where we can all meet each other and potentially find our other half in the process. Good idea right?

"My Faith Is Shaking"

I hate that I care so much about you and I can't stop. I wish I could.

Ugh My Heart

"This is love.


Still.

Even if it's now making you suffer."

The Rising Feeling In My Chest

At the moment. I feel like I am so over it. Last night I had a relapse. I hate how compulsively impulsive I am. I hate how as much as I physically push him away, I can't just say no- my mind isn't in my actions. My heart says one thing, my mind says another- I hate that overused cliche. What you want isn't what is necessarily good for you. I hate how unyielding he is and how he is the one physically acting on attachment. I hate how stubborn we both are. I hate how good it was before it wasn't. I hate how we're so good when we're together, yet so terrible when we're apart.

I hate how he makes me feel- so good when he touching me, but so terrible when he's not. I hate how perfect I feel and it feels when our bodies are completely intertwined with one another. I hate how much I love it when our hands and fingers are locked together. I hate how much I love his hands and how I love just looking at them. I hate how much I love how he smells and how I can't help but love when I smell him on me throughout the day after we've left. I hate how much I love his eyes. I hate how long I can look at him for. I hate how easy I fell for you. I hate how the word love pops into my head sometimes even when my fickle mind wavers between my heart's uncertain revelations.

I hate how you are so not good for me at all, but how I can't help but feel the way I do either way. I hate how I never even had a chance.

I hate how he's stronger than I am mentally. I hate how I'm there mentally and emotionally and he's just there physically. I hate how he doesn't like me the way I like him. I hate how it's all such a complicated trip that is all contradictory. I hate how I am really just another notch on his belt. I hate how I really don't like how he is, but how I can't help but be attached. I hate how I'm attached because of how I romanticize the situation and how I'm so much of an idealist. I hate how I want to be over it so badly and so completely, but I know I'm not.

I hate how broken I am.
I hate how alone I am.

The weird thing is that part of me really doesn't care. It's like I'm digging dip within me to see just how much I really do care, and parts of me that did are now not so much there anymore. It's like there is now an empty space where there once was feeling of my tied attachment. To me, this is a good thing.

But at the moment, I feel so sick of it all that I just want to start from a clean slate- to forget about it all and just move forward without having to deal with the past along with its discretions and sentiments. It's making me feel so sick how much I want it all to just be over and done with. I'm so sick of all this stupid shit. I'm so sick of everything. I can feel myself retreating back into myself again.

The Dreaded Topic

I think I have avoided the topic discussion of my parentals and family life because I tend to sort of try to just avoid or run away from issues I would rather not feel at the time. And talking about issues of some detriment often make me relive the emotions I have felt or feel from the effects of the situations. Even now as I am trying to get the words out, I am fighting the urge to just not even talk about what I have avoided discussing for so long. Some of my family issues that have been revealed coincide with my post Getting Dirty With My Masochistic Tendencies in the first post of August.

(The majority of my posts are all interconnected and so some stuff won't make sense unless you've been reading from the beginning or read previous entries where I've somewhat given explanations. Sorry, my posts are very long too)

I don't know, there's just an intense sadness I get from thinking about my family. There are so many underlying issues that if it were anyone else looking in or being first subjected to them, it would be too overwhelming. But for someone who has learned to just live with the situations, basically it is what it is. (I say that so much sometimes it almost makes myself sick)

I wish that I had the perfect family. I see some of my friends and their families are the epitome of what family should be. You know, the warmness of parents still in love that just exuberate warmth from all the fibers of their core. My family is not like that. You see the problem with most Asian families is their passivity. It's almost like a conservative tradition. We just don't show our affection though we try to portray being the perfect family. I guess that's why so many Asian families have their skeletons and deep rooted issues. It's just not socially accepted to publicly show affection, even when alone affection is at its minimum. What a shame right? Affection is one of the loves of life. And even so my family is not the most traditional with singular factors of the partial warmth I felt from my mother when growing up. But aside from that, that's it.

So anyway, where do I even begin?

My parents are not in love anymore. My mother barely tolerates my father. My father has become very difficult. And all of it sinks into my heart and creates a great brokenness and pain that I fear is unfixable. (And that's another story)

I have all these deep rooted issues and I'm afraid that I have become so broken and affected that I can't be a normal person. I feel out of place all the time and can't relate to happy people that are constantly okay.

About 4 years ago my mother was going to file for divorce. (I know my story sounds so generic because the world is filled with these sob stories. But you can think whatever you want, the emotions felt are still real regardless of the situation) You'd think by this age you should be old enough to just be okay with it. You'd think that there's a difference from when it happens when a person is at an elementary age to when you're old enough to make your own decisions. But to be fucking honest, there is no difference. It still hits you just as hard whether you aren't able to understand the situation or if you're even say in your 30's the prime of your life or my age. Either way, you're still going to be just as affected by it even if you say you wouldn't be. You don't know, you haven't been through it yourself. The cliche really is true as corny and overused as it is, you really don't know or wouldn't be able to understand unless you had gone through it or experienced it yourself firsthand.

It's funny in a twisted way what happens when you grow up. The movies you've once seen as a kid now make too much rather inappropriate or clever sense and you notice signs that were always there to begin with but you never fully registered them until you finally did.

I should've known. I can only imagine what my brother could've felt at the time since he is a good 5 yrs older than I am and able to register is better because of his far more developed mentality of the world. All the signs were there when I was little. From the outrageous fights I didn't understand that ended in open tears or more yelling (remember, parents always try to hide things from their children) or a couple times my mother even leaving in the middle of the night with our bags packed. A "fun" night to be in a hotel with Disneyland to cover up her true sentiments that just become burdens as time progresses. Ridiculous fights where of father not letting my mother take a certain car and her leaving on foot with us for a distance that could take hours/days on foot because she didn't want him to drive us. It sounds completely nonsensical right? Well it does because it is. But the things that seem to make the least sense are often time covers and triggers stemmed from a problem greater than you could ever imagine.

My father wouldn't sign the papers. In fact refused. What do you do when you've woken up years later and realized that you're completely submerged in a less than happy situation. And in the end my mother just stopped trying because she came to the harsh realization of who would care for my father? Of course they still love eachother but they're not in love anymore. She's not in love and it's too late for her. My father is too stuck in his old ways. There comes a time where you can't be changed. My father would try and then just like what men do nowadays, resort back to the old ways once they think everything is okay because they feel like they don't need to try anymore.

What is with that anyway? How guys feel that they don't have to try once they've gotten their cake? (metaphorically speaking of course for you idiots) How do you expect things to not diminish with time if you don't keep striving for best potential?

My mother takes care of everything, my father is solely dependent on her and doesn't know how to do anything much that involves the U.S. without her. She handles all the finances aside from also doing housewife chores.

I hate how Asian customs, the woman always has to care after the man. Waiting on them hand and foot. I loathe it, and she does that. Not like a helpless non-opinionated brainwashed servant, but tradition has taught the wife to look after the husband. And my father is even more old traditional than she expecting her to just do stuff for him that he could do himself just because he's too lazy.

She even told my father, if he found someone who was able to take care of him and make him happy, then he should go for it. But in the end she tossed the papers aside because, who would take care of him at this age? I mean really care for him like she did and has.

I feel that I have to be the one to keep the family together. My family consisting of my mother, father, brother, and I. Not my extended family, but even so I know that burden rests on my mother's shoulders. I guess the apple really doesn't fall too far from the tree right?

My brother barely speaks to my parents because of the difficulties and mostly when he has to communicate with them he turns to me to ask them even though he is the oldest and thus making it apparent of me being the youngest. He's made it a point to become separate from my family and taken the whole "family is just a small factor of my life" to a whole other extreme.

He's not a horrible person, in fact he has actually helped me in my personal growth at times when I needed a crutch. But him helping me is more so his lessons on me becoming more independent and separate from my family as to not let my family issues affect my own personal life so much.

But one of my major flaws is that I have too much empathy. I let my emotions run who I am. I am too compassionate and too passionate about life. Books and movies make me cry, seeing old people or problems of others make me sad, sometimes incredibly sad. I can't help it, I just happens. And you can't help how you're going to reaction to certain things or feel the things your feel. It's against the cosmic fates to try to decipher why we react and do things the way we do.

So thus it brings me back a full circle to my parents. Love is big deal for me. I am an idealist as well as a romanticist. I still believe in the true world and the beauty in it. I can't help but having everlasting hope for the better even if all the factors and energy in the universe have tried seriously hard to break that from me.

I wish they were happy. I am the kind of person who finds a resolution to everything. There is always a solution or there always can be one. I process things in my mind and find a way to make it better. But when it comes to my parents. It's unsolvable. To make a long story short. It involves possible cheating, probable cheating on both sides.

I hate that my father tries to make himself out to be the victim and my mother the bad guy in front of everyone. He's even tried to get me and my brother on his side and at one point we fully believed him. The thing about my father, he exagerrates and makes things out to be far more detrimental than they really are. But I'm not saying he's a bad person although I do hate how he talks to her and about her sometimes when other people are around. It's almost like he's trying to compete with her and make himself seem better while putting her down. There are things that you don't have to say in certain ways because they just sound so bad. You don't have to say things like that. But I can understand why he does the things he does. It's over compensation and reactions that come out wrong as a result of his feelings of inferiority. He tries hard for our affection and when I say our I mean my brother and me, but more so me because I make it a point to still keep them in my life and stay around them at times because I know it keeps them happy and it's what a good daughter does, my brother could care less.

For as long as I can remember, well there hasn't been a time where I can remember, my father has been on business trips. From here to China stemming from 2-3 weeks at a time. 2-3 weeks here and 2-3 weeks there. What sacrifices are made for the hopeful life of the family and children's future that in the long run play a huge toll in the family's mental/physical/emotional dynamic. Broken families are made everyday through decisions that you hope will lead to attaining the "American Dream." People immigrate to American in hopes to succeed, but what everyone fails to universally understand is that the American Dream was made by and solely for Anglo-Americans. People that have never experienced the harsh effects from being in an immigrated family- whether they themselves immigrated here or parents immigrated- is that immigrants work different hours than white collar society. The typical work hours would be 8hrs 9-5, but people that are connected to the immigrant life in any way shape or form know that there are two different worlds. the 9-5 world and the other one where one is working for almost more than 12 hours a day just to try to get ahead. 10-12 hrs at least if you're lucky.

I barely have a relationship with my father and I just can't do it. As much as I wish we were a happy family and that I could have a relationship with him, I just can't do it. He's never really been around and I know it's not his fault. The gap is too big. He tries so hard and I'm fortunate but sometimes it's too much that I really hate myself for wanting for him to just leave me alone sometimes.

And what kills me is the look on his face. I can't take that look. That sad one that is his own acknowledgment of how bad things have gotten. Okay it isn't as if that's read all over his face or if I really know what he's thinking, this is only what my intuition and vibes tell me. It's what I get from my vibes. And I work off of vibes a lot with people. Sometimes my intuition is so on point I hate it. But it's just that look people get, the look of no resolution and that things have escalated beyond your control.

My mother has that look too and there are days where I know are not as great as others for her. It's a continuous issue that has no way to be repaired. (Trust me, I've sat down with my other and tried to hammer this thing out and I get frustrated with those with jaded lives that just don't understand and fight me unyieldingly to tell me that there is always a solution. BULLSHIT)

In a previous post last month I said that I live my life at an emotional pain factor of a 6.5 some days an 8 some days a little less if I'm lucky. What kills me is what my parents have to live with on a day to day basis. I still have time to make mend mistakes before I even make them. But this, this is their life. I have yet to begin mine.

But I still wish and hope for their eternal happiness, so much it hurts.

Through all this I know it has affected me as much as I try to be as detached as possible with everything. I have relationship problems and fall for the wrong guys. I hate to admit this but my greatest fear is to end up like my mother. Don't get me wrong, she's a spectacular person and I really admire her, but I'm talking about her love life. I couldn't be able to be stuck in a loveless and unhappy marriage. I want to be old and still madly in love with the one I'm supposed to be with. Love unconditionally. I don't know how I'd be able to live without. I'm also scared that I might never find the right person, though I am 21 so this is the point where people or myself would tell me to not overreact just yet. Just yet. I can worry when I'm 30.

I still believe in the true world, but at what cost? I haven't even begun to divulge other sentiments that gnaw away at my essence and very being. But this is enough (more than enough) for tonight.

1:52a.m. Tragic Bullshit

My heart hurts. Still. How tragic right? And so fucking stupid right? I do immensely hate this shit. And it isn't like I try to keep it continuous. How one can be some hung up over a single person. But then again advice is only words of reassurance that you are already completely aware of just reiterated back to you.

The only thing keeping me sane is music. Thank god for that.

Post-Birthday Aftermath

Through all the excitement and anticipation as well as patiently waiting for the date of my birthday to near, now that it has passed, I have to say, I'm a bit relieved.

Relieved to not have to plan or worry if my plans will be successful or if the bottom will fall out. (Since the day of birth is the only important thing to me rather than the extraneous plans during the rest of the week) Now all I have to think about it saturday. But even so, since I don't really care about saturday, I'm quite calm and comfortingly filled with nonchalance.

So my birthday was a great full fledged 24hrs filled with too many laughs, sun, and severely embarrassing yet hilarious laughs. And today my big bunch of clothes and new purse I ordered online came in the mail. What more could I ask for for perfection or bliss right? The passing of my 21st is quite a good one to be serious and this saturday will be the commencement party/kickback. It should be interesting. I really don't feel like having the kickback because I really don't care for it, the party is more of a formality that is supposed to happen. I'm also having it because I am told that if I don't have a big thing with everyone then I will regret it, so thus to prevent any remorse, the plans for saturday have been made in advance. I'm more so indifferent at the moment, but I know when saturday comes around my enthusiasm will increase and it will be great to see some great friends I haven't seen in a while.

Okay, so the real aftermath of my birthday. I was supposed to start work today to help out my family at the office, but as my alarm rang in the morning, I just couldn't. My entire body is sore and swollen and I feel like I really need to recover. Too much of a good thing is never good right? Too much of anything isn't good, yet we all love to indulge and be glutenous for we can't help our impulses and as for me, I am the very impulsive of the compulsive impulsives. Just lovely.

So my friend's bbq eventually turned into a drinking charade to celebrate my 21st and it was loads of fun. I'm not kidding when I say I really did experience almost the complete 24hrs minus 3 hrs for sleep.

And today I had dinner with the parents. I had told my brother in advance, but his priorities, mentality and ethos are very much different than mine. And thus when I texted him today he said that he had plans, though he did come home in the middle of our dinner so he did join us for a bit to eat his fill then quickly left for his room. (I know my current writings are are filled with run-on sentences, but at this point I really don't care because I write the way I speak and think. And I'm really not in the mood for grammatical acuteness)

I told my parentals a week in advance that I wanted to have dinner with them. (This is more so for them because of the big burden I feel that rests on my shoulders- the burden and family issues I have not yet divulged through blog yet, but in due time all things must run their course) I planned to make them sushi, but my parents work and don't come home til much later and my mother did not want to have dinner so late, so instead she brought home so basic sushi and we had a variety of food. Still a very good dinner.

Ugh even as I am typing right now, my entire body is swollen. I hate feeling bloated and puffy.

So my mood is meh right now with bursts of feel good from the music that seems to always heal me if only for but a second. I know this post is a bit mediocre, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to lay on my bed and veg out.

Tomorrow will be better. Start a new day I always say.

Holy Cow (Phonetically Speaking In My Own Lingo To Be- "Whorry Chow" Haha!)

It will be my 21st birthday in T minus 4hrs and 3 minutes! (I know I'm so young. Hah thank you thank you)

So let me tell you, I'm quite indifferent about the passing of my youth this year. My enthusiasm is at an all time low. Meh. The only thing I am glad or more so relieved about is being able to finally buy myself alcoholic beverages. SWEET.

On another note, I'm about to go to a going away bbq for my very dear friend. Fun stuff. And tomorrow Disneyland! I know how corny right? But I haven't gone in approximately 5 years. So suck on that!

I am waiting for my friend to get to my house so we can go to the bbq together, but she got lost. Meh. So here I am waiting.

Oh! So today I went to the dermatologist to get my face deep cleaned. Boy let me tell you. It fucking hurts like HAAILLL. foreals. And my skin is the super super sensitive fair skinned type so any aberation and there will be redness and slight swelling. Oy. So my face is all blemished and blahh. I am pretty vain and it sucks because I'm going out tonight. But oh well, hopefully it will be dark, I mean it's not too bad, but not up to par with my standards for one who is pretty vain, BUT still not so high maintenance. Haha. So that must count for something right?

Will update later with details.

Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my mind and so fully consumed and overwhelmed with frustration for everything and anything. And I don't even know why and I want to cry, but as I've said before, I'm wired differently and I'm not able to when I really want to. I mean I can tear up if I watch a really good sad movie/drama, but that's pretty much it. When it comes to my own personal life and emotions, nothing. What a bummer right? Because sometimes all you need is a good cry to empty and wash away everything so that you can start a new. Or more so something that can fully exhaust you completely and drain your energy so that you can sleep better at night. I have such a hard time sleeping at night even when I am really tired. Yeah, life is filled with shitty intertwined contradictions. Surprise surprise. (Sarcastic tone intended for you idiots out there) I'm sorry, I get mean when I'm grouchy or in a bad mood. It happens mostly if I'm hungover or around people for too long of a time who's company I'm indifferent to. I rarely care about things.

I hate myself for never being able to not be the bigger person. It's like this innate unstoppable instinct in me that just happens. I can't fucking control it (though how much I wish I could) and I just end up getting shitted on regardless if it's abiding with the laws of karma, which I do fully believe in but even so I question a lot of things since the universe is completely and utterly twisted for reasons that cannot be explained only to ask the question of "Were we really meant to become this fucked up internally so badly at such an early age?"

Yeah.. I tend to ramble on with my thoughts very quickly and they can pretty much sometimes be never ending so virtually they come out as run-on sentences. But hey, how's that for some free association?

Oh, and why is it that people can never just be grateful? For example, I have a free ticket to Disneyland, but I have to go there at 9am because of circumstances. Yet, when people hear they have to wake up, they'd rather not go, even if they really want to go and if the ticket weren't free, it would be really expensive. Why can't people just be grateful? Why are people so fucking picky and selfish and self-absorbed and well ungrateful?

Or, they won't even go if it's for a special occasion like my birthday? I know right.. some kind of friends I have. Or rather, people I associate myself with. (By the way, it's because the small handful of people that really care are busy on that day, so bummer for me.)

***Side Note
So I've been on the phone with my friend and for some reason talking to her always makes me feel better. I feel better. :D

How trippy is it how sporadic my emotions are. How wack. I know, I hate them too.