Melancholia

I don't want to feel anymore.

It hurts to breathe every second while trying not to feel like crying.

Fall

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall"- F. Scott Fitzgerald

So this is love.

Yep

Totally jinxed it. Royally fucked it up again.

I Never Knew

I never knew that life could be like this. A continuous stream of steady happiness. Yes, interruptions occur once in a while, but they're always manageable and we are here now, together. I'm so glad we had another chance, I love you. It's weird not being the sad girl anymore. My meds are finally established in a formula that works after almost 3 years, I am on my career pathway and in grad school, and I'm in love with a man who gets me and loves me for who I am and not for what. Alright, I'm done, nobody wants to hear the happy girl boast. But I have avoided blogging since for I feared jinxing my situation. Talking about it makes it real and then it's able to be taken away. Cheers, lovers.

"Love" doesn't exist

But pain does, and it always demands to be felt. 

No one will ever love the bipolar girl.

Him

If he isn't as into me as I am into him, surely I'm in trouble. I hope he can love someone like me because I'm so grateful to have met him. It's too soon and we are running out of time. But darling, you said you'd come back. And I want to do everything and go everywhere with you, babe. 

Other Revelations

Fuck. What is this life? What will we ever know? We won't. So who's to say what is or what isn't. Who has the privilege of distinguishing truth against fictionalization? We all know know the unanswerable answer, We just all choose to disbelieve it. Yet, it is always there, beneath the surface. It dwells and reminds. It doesn't matter if we had ever had a time of innocence, all that matters is who we are now and what we have become. The future is all we have at the present. It is the invisible strength that renders us vulnerable and compassionate. And without both, we would not nearly be as whole of a person as anybody ever could. But then again, who's to say what's what and who's to say whom's whom.

Mother Of Mine

Lecturing me on how NOT to be bipolar. Nice. (sarcasm intended)

Capabilities

Do you think I may be incapable of love? Possibly. You can't give what you don't have. 

Lust I have, but love? Not sure about that.

Nick

I love him. 

World help me. 

I've fallen, so completely.

Dislikes

I don't like being away from you for too long.

Actually, I hate it.

How am I going to fall asleep without you next to me.

Every Time I Fall In Love

Your Eyes

You look at me the way every woman wants to be looked at. Those dark, serious, and intense eyes that you could swim in. The ones that devour you entirely and see right through you.

They were all right. 

To quote John Green, "We fell in love like we fall asleep. Slowly, then all at once."

Coincidence, your beautiful eyes are hazel colored too. 

Just Be You.

You tell me to just be myself. I am. This crazy little emotional and defensive shit you see in front of you.

You say you're always giving me my way and following my ways.

Fuck.

I've followed you for 21 years of my life.

I'm 25 years old now. It's always about you guys. 

When is it about me. It's never about me. Even if it's my lllness, it's still about me hurting you. 

You had a fucking responsibility for my life because you decided to have me. You had a fucking responsibility to be there for me and actually take care of me. Not to leave me to grow up on my own.

Not to treat me simply as a fucking obligation or accessory to your goddamn "american dream life."

You had a responsibility and chance, many chances, that you foolishly and carelessly squandered. You had that responsibility and you fucked it up. You fucked me up. And it's still not about me, ever. 

Fucking bullshit. I'm done.

Don't speak to me if you intend on leaving. 

Waking up really sucks.

Inhale

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
It is not the end of the world.
You will endure.
Like you have for this long, before.
This has happened to you.
You have gotten through it before.
And you will again.
Don't freak out.
Do not, freak out.
You can do this.
Stop.

As human beings, we learn to endure.

The Silver Blade

Catharsis, thank you.

Relapse.

I really have nobody. 

What's the point of living.

Take it back, take it all back now. All the things I gave, like the scent of my kiss on your lips.

I feel like I'm going to lose my shit today.

In Dreams May Come

I have been having some really uncomfortable dreams lately. Not good. What do you do when you want to sleep and stay in bed, all the time but your dreams are awful? Waking life already unbearable and you know my solace and unconscious state is too.

How am I going to get through today.

Please keep my heart from breaking

Appreciation

Thank you chemical gods for letting today be better.

Utterly Unbearable

It's 11pm here in Southern California and even after the great work out I had at the gym, all I can think about still is crawling up into a little ball and dying. Well, that and ripping all of my flesh off. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Today

Adjusting is never an easy thing.
Whatever goes up, must come down. Newton definitely had it right.
It's always an internal struggle. It's so hard to be so happy one day and then for absolutely no reason at all feel so fucking out of control the next day. My entire body is screaming and in pain. My tear ducts are aching to be released. Anything.

Anything for some relief. A moment of peace.

How do you keep going? I have to remind myself to breathe.
All of the time.

I told my mother, she said, "Why is it that whenever you go out, the next day you end up like this?"

It isn't as simple as that. She still doesn't get the constant ups and downs. Just because one day is good, doesn't mean it ensures lasting good days. If you get lucky, you get a couple of days.

It's always a roller coaster ride that never ends. It ends when you die.

 I go out when I'm feeling well. And I don't when I ache. Easy as that.

Everything is simple, but not. Obviously. The universe is twisted and likes to play entirely too much. It takes pleasure in doing so, it loves the thrill.

I have been researching in to treatment facilities specifically for bipolar disorder. It might be time to seek help that I can't give myself. Two years of medication and I'm still looping. My body is its own universe. It's like the world with its own living communities and politics. They battle just like on earth. They fight dirty and contain as many diverse beings as any realm. I am a whole bunch of people, encased in to this one body.

My eyes are hollow today.
I want to ram my car into the wall while driving today.
I feel like ripping my own skin and flesh off today.
Digging all of my fingernails into the palms of my hands, today.
Closing my eyes, trying to shut out all the pain today.
Taking deep breaths in hopes of remaining calm today.
My heart hurts, so much, today.
My fucking senses today.
Internally running wild today.
I hope that it is only, for today.



Hope you all are fairing way better today than I am.
Cheers, lovers.

Agh!!!!

Yesterday, a good mild happy manic place. Today, still mellow and good, but dragging a bit. Life's pretty amazing at the moment, except for the chemicals fucking each other inside me. I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. Whyyyyy.

I just need to write for a little while.

Miss Eyre

“I can live alone, if self-respect, and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.”

Excerpt

I don't understand why I'm trying so hard to "live", to "survive".

I don't even know if I want to. 

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think: how am I going to make it?

How do people do this?

I figured out the reason why I have been trying, it's because of everyone else.

The pressure.

Because everyone else is fed up. And it's still never about what I want. It's who they would rather me be.

I could care less.

Temporary

The only thing the takes the constant pain away is sleep, but that's never long enough.

Wet

(: I love it when it rains. Cheers, lovers.

Fuck

Today I just want to clutch my chest, roll up into a little ball, on the floor, and just stay there indefinitely. Yeah, that bad, I can hardly breathe.

What?

Sometimes I feel as if I'm not real. Like I'm conscious but everything happening isn't. It's hard to explain. Like an out of body dream experience. What's real and not real? I actually have to focus hard to not be on autopilot every second of my life. Weird, feelings I cannot fathom into words. The transcending kind of feeling, the highly existential idea of being. Your body is here partaking, but as for your mind and soul? Where does it go? I feel like I'm living a dream all the time. As if I'm high on drugs. Haha maybe I am high, I definitely am medicated.

It's Official

I think I just wrote the prologue to my first book. Yes, it is another memoir to the addition of  many out there, but it is mine. And it takes more courage to be yourself and confront your demons, than anything else in the world. It's amazing what writing does, it automatically makes you feel lighter. Another addiction.

At least I'll have that. Maybe then I can finally put my ghosts to rest and move forward.

If it isn't pouring out of you, then don't do it.

When

I just want to die- sleep forever. I'll never get better. How much can a person take?

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

Once upon a time I was falling in love,

now I'm only falling apart.

Nothing I can do.

Prescription

I fucking hate anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. They fucking make you fat. As if I'm not already miserable.

The Past

Flashbacks will kill you.

Tired

I'm tired so strong all of .the time

Hands Down

Sleep is so much better than being awake. Even if I do get a lot of nightmares, my good dreams are what keep me alive.

Today

I woke up feeling empty. 

I hope that changes.

Father Of Mine

Just told me I'm too much of a smart ass and need to act dumb around males. What the fuck. America just jumped back 50 years. 

Fuck that. The worst thing you could do is stay silent. Fuck what anybody says and do you.

I Am

Failure.

Oldest Story In The Book

The face of an angel, the soul and heart of a devil.

The Dark Place

You're away, use that, abuse it.

Come out reborn.

He who doesn't fight for you is never the one. He who lets you go so easily is never the right one. It's his loss and never yours. You only brought out the honesty in him that much quicker.

Erase him from yourself.

Forever shield yourself.

I give up on love.

Because love gave up on me a long time ago.

Always

Always me and my mouth, I always have to ruin things first.

Fight Harder, Please

I'm fucking dragging. 

So Fuck You

I'm over it.

Fight Back

Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's.

Dry them back up.

Blank

How?
how am I supposed to live this way?
Every day, every goddamned, day to day.

Trapped air,
pressurized, when my skin feels
always, still so bare.

How?
how am I supposed to live this way?
With each, painful breathe,
I force myself to intake.

Wet eyes, always just behind.
Anxiety, you'd think it were planned,
matched, to dark-changing tide highs.


Sidenote***- Wrote this on a whim, will finish it later when I have time.


I hope you all are feeling way better than I am today. Good luck and cheers to you, lovers.

Hardest Part Of The Day

Is waking up. Always.

Lovely

It's lovely how certain songs immediately transport you back to a great nostalgic feeling. It's as if all your troubles have melted away for the duration of that song. We live in moments, and sometimes all it takes, is merely a moment. 

Sunday Morning by Maroon 5. (Before they sold out lol)

Skinny love

Pour a little salt, you were never here.

Held Captive

There is a darkness inside of me that I know will always be there, just lurking underneath the surface. 

It's like a wolf under the moonlight, who has to gain control every once in a while because she needs to roam free from being suppressed all of the time. It's only matter of time, always.

As of right now I thought I was on the road to recovery, but even on track with my medication, I'm beginning to feel like I'm slipping again. Is it only a matter of time? How do you live with this? I answer my own questions, just as I have for the 25 years I have been alive.

It doesn't get easier each time as time progresses, they still sting just as much as it were initially. I'm a prisoner within my own body.

My, My, My

I love this cover so much. It just makes me want to keep pouring my heart out. Good feels, we could all use a little more.

Obsessed

Counting

I really meant what I said a while ago.

I'd be content just to stay in this bed for the rest of my life.

Closet OCD

We've all joked about having OCD whenever we, control freaks, have to explain that we like things a certain way. Our way. And so I find myself thinking lately, with my newly acquired spare time, if I have, like a pinky full of OCD. But please, hear me out.

At odd times, I find myself counting in my head. I don't understand, but just counting. I don't know if it's found a spot in my routine life and become a force of habit now, because I like to go to the gym regularly and it has to do with counting reps.

Or, the reason I like going to the gym is because of the constant repetition and the counting of consecutive numbers.

I always come out so zen-like, so of a calming and balanced me-like person. Me, who is so multifaceted, I become a calmed and balanced, normal, version of myself. It obviously has something to do with the natural endorphin release, but I've been thinking, is it because I've just gotten done with a major, major, counting session of breathing within my mind and body?

But if anything, it calms my always buzzing and anxiety ridden nerves. My body is like an empty cave with emotionally anxious thoughts, constantly swarming within itself because the swarm has no where else to go, since it's trapped. It's my own DNA.

Yet, when I leave the gym. I come to a ready conclusion that, I'm filled. My usual empty self is filled and content with life.

Pretty amazing what some things can do and where thoughts can lead you to and through different thought process avenues.

Anyway, I just needed to put it down. This is incredible though, I haven't written in so long. My inside joy is incandescent. But that's how it happens: all at once, like a sudden deluge that won't stop pouring out; or nothing at all, like a starved mind lacking the right words and the electricity to function.

Well, good night and cheers lovers.

Back At 1

Now that my seasonal job is over, I am right back where I started from. Except hopefully, a little wiser, but definitely a little older.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready enough to throw myself back into a regular routine. But I just want to really focus on being healthy right now. Mentally and physically. My job made me slip back a bit and relapse. And that worries me. It was only for 3 months, but one relapse is all it takes.

My hopes and dreams? They say that if you're not working toward your hopes and dreams, that you're not really living your life. So that turns my perspective around. My hopes and dreams:

To not always feel so trapped inside my own body.
To not feel like I'm close to tears, all the damn time.
To not wake up every day and already be looking forward to bedtime.
To accept all of my flaws and actions and then not always have something to feel guilty about afterwards.
To like who I am and not give a fuck.
To learn to let go instead of cover up.

So I suppose I am living. Rather than what I always thought instead, which was just merely going through the motions of life.

I am living.
I am alive.
I live.

Life confession #1 for 2014

Never get old.

My heart breaks every time.

Every time I think of you.

Every time I miss you, for no reason at all.

Every time I am aware that this will never work.

Every time I am convinced that you aren't  where I am.

Every time I think too much of you.

Every time you're not texting me constantly.

Every time I know you're not good for me.

Every time I want you. All the times.

Every time.