Learn Something Dumbass Hetero-Males

Is it possible maybe to have a love so strong,
That nothing could ever compare.
I'm holding back nothing just for the look in your eyes,
So baby don't be surprised.

Well I want to know what makes your world go round,
And I want to hear your voice for the sound.
A love that defines all I've had in mind,
Now I'm holding back nothing for the look in your eyes.

Impossible, maybe, but worth one last try,
I'm waiting on your reply.
I'm sitting here patiently just for the chance that I might be able to hold you tight.
And I want to know what makes your world go round,
And I want to hear your voice for the sound.
A love that defines all I've had in mind,
Now I'm holding back nothing for the look in your eyes.

Now time is all that we have,
So won't you let me inside your perfect world for one night.
Just open up for me,
Girl I swear that I will be everything you've ever thought a man should be.

And I want to know what makes your world go round,
And I want to hear your voice for the sound.
A love that defines all I've had in mind,
Now I'm holding back nothing for the look in your.

I can see the way you're looking back at me,
Could it be that you see what you want to see.
Just let your eyes believe it,
I'll never lie to you, in my arms you will be, forever and I.
I'm holding back nothing for the look in your eyes
The look in your eyes.



Most girls, wish that they had your eyes,
And boys secretly fantasize.
But me I am just mesmerized,
By your every word and movement.

You are as close as a girl can be,
Too ideal somehow you disagree.
The whole world sees perfection but all you see,
Is room for more improvement.

Silly girl, pretty girl
Do you not see,
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me.
And girl, I pray that never will this trance be broken.

I melt, in your mouth when you talk to me,
I wanna kiss you so slow, so sweet.
You are, the book that I want to read,
In braille cover to cover.

You're so deep inside,
You're my DNA.
You're how tall I am,
You're how much I weigh.
You're the reason someone had to pen the phrase:
"To know her is to love her"

Silly girl pretty girl.
Do you not see.
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me.
And Girl, I pray that never will this trance be broken.

Everything you do is like a movie scene,
Every pose you strike is from some magazine.
And I want to turn your pages.

Silly girl pretty girl.
Do you not see,
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me.

Silly girl pretty girl.
Do you not see,
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me.
And girl, I pray that never will this trance be broken.

Ah, Clarity

Just came to me; a stroke of genius, expectations are investments.

How are you supposed to live your life and maintain relationships if you absolutely don't have any? Maybe that's why my hope and faith in people have been so unwavering no matter how much I dislike my inability to kick this habit. I am a person who gives people too much credit and benefit of the doubt, who believes in people's potential too much, who has high standards and expectations. Yet, I know what I want. Possibly a flaw, but I refuse to settle for the lesser when I know I deserve the best. I am who I am. And as much fucked up I am, I still like who I am. I think that was just the first step in loving myself. Ooh I'm in a good mood today! And I look good! Finally some progress, go me!

Don't Fool Yourself, This Is My Truth

Man, I never tire of this one. Loveeee itttttt. <3 Good morning Monday!



Now I stared at you,
From across the room,
Until both my eyes were faded.
I was in a rush,
I was out of luck,
Now I'm so glad that I waited.
Well you were almost there,
Almost mine. Yeah,
They say love ain't fair,
But I'm doing fine.

Cause I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you that I’ve waited for.
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you that my heart beats for.
And it isn’t gonna stop,
No it just won’t stop.

Now you were fine by night,
But when the morning light comes,
Comfortable as rain on Sunday.
And I’m a lucky soul,
That holds your hand so tight,
Hope you hear this one day.
Don’t fool yourself
This is my truth.

I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you that I waited for.
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you that my heart beats for.
And it ain’t gonna stop,
It just won’t stop.

You take this hand,
You take this heart.
Steal my bones,
From 1,000 miles apart.
Feels so cold,
Felt just like its ten shades of winter.
And I need the sun.

And I swear it’s you,
I swear you,
I swear it's you that it waited for.
I swear it’s you,
I swear its,
I swear it’s you that my heart beats for.
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you,
I swear it’s you that I’ve waited for.
I swear it's you,
I swear it's you,
I swear it’s you that my heart beats for.
And it ain’t gonna stop.
It just won’t stop

Brand New Airiness; Capriciousness Indeed

Laughing my fucking ass off homies. It's way too easy to play when it doesn't matter.

I think I may be a little too gutsy and extroverted. Shit happens when I'm drunk and I talk to anyone because I'm a nice person. I think I need to stop being such an extroverted phone slut too. (Mind you- I just like conversing with people but no one gets at the goods ever. I do not like or have meaningless sex, so don't go and be thinking anything along the lines of promiscuity losers)

But I'll give you two a shot of luck.
LOL so we shall see what happens- you guys seem like really nice guys. I'll give you that.
To be honest, I'm in indifferent land this time (really, truthfully, absolutely, and whole-heartedly)- so you two will be great distractions for me, but don't worry- I'm not bitch, I'm a nice girl. This is going to be fun. (:

I'm so over everything that's been going on- so over all the darkness and gravity. I'm done with it.
Done with all this real emotional shit- it's all discarded and time for a fresh start a new. Oh how I love change and new starts.
It's definitely time for some carefree fun just like old times before everything got messed up.
Here we go again and again.

I Think

I think I need to stop having such a big heart. I need to stop so easily loving people who I see so much potential in. I need to stop so easily using heart.

(I know it's Miley Cyrus, but let's not be snobs now. If people did not have some kind of talent, then they would never have made it famous to begin with right? That goes for all of those who have bad credibility reputations. But I feel for you. Let's all be a little more open-minded and understanding. This piano piece is amazing and so beautiful) Oh yeah, the original isn't so bad either. (;

Same song, different artistic interpretation- still pretty sweet. <3>

Weary

I guess I've been thinking too much (as always of course)- you can tell by the sudden influx of entries. Just thoughts that have come to mind that I need to let out and let go. So here's another.

I really need to stop giving people so many chances and being so forgiving. I need to stop allowing myself to let people in. I need to stop being attached with everything period. I need to detach myself. I need to stop letting myself rely on people because everyone's always all talk and no execution. Everything and everyone is full of shit. Everyone's too fucking chicken shit to step up. It's all bullshit. I need to kick my eternally optimistic and unrelenting hopeful demeanor. I need to stop believing that there is something out there that is so much more than all of this modern day wasteland. I need to try and stop my unyielding faith in people; stop the benefit of the doubt and the belief that they can be so much more and so much better than they seem. I need to stop imagining that the world and the people in it can be good and better. I need to stop believing that people have so much more potential. I need to stop being an idealist and more of a cynical realist. I need to stop kidding myself. I need to be less sheltered. I need to be less passionate about life. I need to stop thinking. I need to stop my experimentations and speculations of beautiful vision and inspiration. I need to stop dreaming.

But these are all the things that make up who I am. I need to stop being me? Who will I become?

I thought I was on the road to recovery, I noticed myself opening up more to people and not being so hard and closed off. But I realize what a mistake that was to let people get to know me and get to know who I really am. Because the consequences only resulted in a worser outcome with adverse effects and more regret/deterioration. I'm too different to fit in anywhere and I wish I were normal.

Woah

So I have been toying with this idea for years. And I decided to finally give in and look it up. Link: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

Wow, pretty much on the dot. (minus the sexual abuse history) But who am I to self-diagnose, let's just not think anything than this being a merely informative entry. Here's a portion of the article that has relevance. Kind of makes a person think huh?

Borderline Personality Disorder

A brief overview that focuses on the symptoms, treatments, and research findings.

Raising questions, finding answers

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.¹ There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.^2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.⁴ Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.⁵ These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Treatment

Treatments for BPD have improved in recent years. Group and individual psychotherapy are at least partially effective for many patients. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies.⁶ Pharmacological treatments are often prescribed based on specific target symptoms shown by the individual patient. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be helpful for depressed and/or labile mood. Antipsychotic drugs may also be used when there are distortions in thinking.⁷

Recent Research Findings

Although the cause of BPD is unknown, both environmental and genetic factors are thought to play a role in predisposing patients to BPD symptoms and traits. Studies show that many, but not all individuals with BPD report a history of abuse, neglect, or separation as young children.⁸ Forty to 71 percent of BPD patients report having been sexually abused, usually by a non-caregiver.⁹ Researchers believe that BPD results from a combination of individual vulnerability to environmental stress, neglect or abuse as young children, and a series of events that trigger the onset of the disorder as young adults. Adults with BPD are also considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes. This may result from both harmful environments as well as impulsivity and poor judgement in choosing partners and lifestyles.

NIMH-funded neuroscience research is revealing brain mechanisms underlying the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. Studies suggest that people predisposed to impulsive aggression have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion.¹⁰ The amygdala, a small almond-shaped structure deep inside the brain, is an important component of the circuit that regulates negative emotion. In response to signals from other brain centers indicating a perceived threat, it marshals fear and arousal. This might be more pronounced under the influence of drugs like alcohol, or stress. Areas in the front of the brain (pre-frontal area) act to dampen the activity of this circuit. Recent brain imaging studies show that individual differences in the ability to activate regions of the prefrontal cerebral cortex thought to be involved in inhibitory activity predict the ability to suppress negative emotion.¹¹

Serotonin, norepinephrine and acetylcholine are among the chemical messengers in these circuits that play a role in the regulation of emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and irritability. Drugs that enhance brain serotonin function may improve emotional symptoms in BPD. Likewise, mood-stabilizing drugs that are known to enhance the activity of GABA, the brain's major inhibitory neurotransmitter, may help people who experience BPD-like mood swings. Such brain-based vulnerabilities can be managed with help from behavioral interventions and medications, much like people manage susceptibility to diabetes or high blood pressure.⁷

Another Repost; Another Great One

Pretty self-explanatory. Thank you lelove blogspot. <3

Friday, January 28, 2011

you can't walk back in

skins UK + unknown

Posted by Le Love at 11:43 PM

Respiration

My own personal morphine and endorphine releasing stimulant. Gotta love it. I can breathe now.

I Can't

Oh my god I can't breathe.

Let Me

It's funny how much you can get away with by pretending. It's funny how completely opposite you can really be from the way others perceive you as. It's funny how no one can really know how badly your entire body and chest hurt all of the time. No one knows or suspects otherwise or can even fathom the idea.
I just want to crawl up and die. I need to disappear. Maybe then, everything would be expunged clean and it'll be as if none of this ever existed or happened. Am I really being dramatic? Or is it something of another culmination all on its own? I don't even understand why I am just this fucked up. I can't bear to do this bedlam anymore and sooner or later I will have blocked and pushed everybody out and away- then there won't be anyone left. To be honest, to be blatantly truthful and utterly earnest- I'm fucking falling too deep into this violent and destructive path of an abysmal black hole and I don't think I will ever be able to get out. And that scares me.

Re-Relapse

I guess I'm still a smoker- bought my first pack (in a long while) of cigarettes last night. This was the first week in a long time that I actually craved/wanted/needed/fiened for a cigarette. I have none left after last night. Too bad. But it's okay because I'm about to do some other sort of damage right now. It's going to be fucking sweet.

Too Easy

Way too easy. I'm sorry, I know you're interested. All you that I met today, don't call me. Please.

I don't want to know you.

Too Fucking Much, Fuck You

I hate you, I hate that I got attached. I hate you. So Fucking much. I cannot do this. I don't think I'm capable. I'm done with this shit. Enough. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you, you fucking goddamn inconsiderate asshole of a fucking DICK. It's so apparent that I am not even as remotely important to you as you have become to me- I guess that was mistake number 1. You don't even fucking know. That's the really sad part. I realized that I am so not important to you at all, not even on your fucking selfish radar. Pathetic I have become and I refuse to be.

I already deleted you. I'm sorry, I cannot fucking do this, it fucking hurts goddamn too much than I fucking signed up for. It hurts too fucking much. Fuck you. I'm tired. I'm sorry I fucking ever met you. Good luck. Phasing out begins now, there is no other way.

Giving up [on you]. I'm so done with life and chances.

Reiteration

I've said it once before and I'll say it again.

Friends are fleeting.

But it's the ones who choose to stick around no matter what, no matter how much you swear you don't need them or how hard you try to push them away; those are the ones you keep. The ones that push back unrelentingly because they deep down know what you need more than you'd rather realize and admit. Those are the ones that matter and hold value.

I'm meeting my realization more and more the fact that the only ones I have let myself become attached to, are in fact the ones who have been in my life before I became completely ruined and destroyed.
My closest friends who know the real me, it's only because they've known me even before all the bullshit began and blew up. I have an inability to get close to anyone new I meet, unless they've proven worthy- very few exceptions, but you know who you are college friends. Okay, I'm rambling because I can't quite figure out the exact words I want to say to describe what it is I intend. Forgive me, I have been binging on sparkling wine with a close friend of mine this evening.

Anyway, bottom line.
It's obvious how much I don't like to get attached to people- even things to be exact- and all objects. I don't let myself become attached to the new things that come in my life because I can't. New things are too fresh and instable. I need an immense amount of reliability in my life.
Ugly truth: Why? Because I've, okay.. I can't even find the courage to type it out. Even now. I hate showing vulnerability and weakness. Lame.
I'm not going to go there. Visit the very first couple of entries from this blog, they explain everything.
I don't go backwards- I only keep moving forwards- so I can't.

And yet, I fuck up everything. Everything I love, I lose.

Wow, I must be buzzed because I've just scanned everything I've typed above and it is all pure incoherent and nonsensical crap.
Okay, whatever. That's enough for tonight. I'm probably going to not publish this ever. Cheers.

13:4

I still find it really weird that one of the characteristics I have acquired is the one where I get so emotionally moved by things that strike me as beautiful (art, music, writings, movies, etc.) that I can actually slightly tear up. I know, how weird and girly right? Haha oh well, I guess it's something to learn to live with. I'm not really religious, but this song is so beautiful. And if you match it up to a lover instead, then it's all good and relative! Haha.
Check out the back beat with the snaps. The lyrics are clever too and real- inspired by Corinthians 13:4.



Let me be patient let me be kind,
Make me unselfish without being blind.
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not,
And endure what comes.
Cause he's all that I got and
tell him.

Tell him I need him,
Tell him I love him
And it'll be alright.
Tell him tell him I need him,
Tell him I love him,
It'll be alright.

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall,
But if I lack love then I am nothing at all.
I can give away everything I possess,
But am without love then I have no happiness.
I know I'm imperfect
& not without sin.
But now that I'm older all childish things end,
and tell him.

Tell him I need him,
Tell him I love him.
And it'll be alright.
Tell him tell him I need him,
Tell him I love him,
It'll be alright.

I'll never be jealous,
And I won't be too proud.
Cause love is not boastful,
Oh and love is not loud.
Tell him I need him,
Tell him I love him.
Everything's going be alright.

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth,
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared,
and tell him.

Tell him I need him,
Tell him I love him,
And it'll be alright.

So Good, Must Repost

So I don't normally do this, the last time I did this was in 2009 in the entry It's Not Poetic, It's Hollow but something about this so simple yet so reaching post got to me- when not all things can.
I do have to tell you, as of late I have not been able to even come close to reading the sappy and mushy awesomeness that is the LeLove blogspot though I have been following it ever since I began my blogging project- the whole Le Something blogging empire is pretty great, so I encourage you to check it out if you haven't already.
Anyway, I haven't been able to come close to really reading the full on entries because for the obvious reasons. (You know, the whole turbulent and perpetural failure in love department thing) But anyway, today I allowed myself to because of the title of the post. It was so good and so, how do you say.. relating and relevant and resembling and too familiar, that I felt the need to repost it here as a small tribute. So here it is.

Thursday, January 27, 2011
I want to fall in love with you.

weheartit

I want to fall in love with you.

No special reason behind it. I just do. As you probably know, I've been wanting a boyfriend for months now, but Lady Luck hasn't been on my side. There were a couple of guys who came along, but neither of them were my idea of boyfriend material.

I'm not saying you are, but I realized I quite like you, and that makes all the difference. See, I don't remember much about you, except that you were with my cousin for about a year or longer and that I met you once before (only to embarrass myself by drinking beyond my limit and throwing up). I have a vague memory of talking to you about my cousin when you were no longer together. It was about her relationship with her then new boyfriend. Something you said about cherishing her stuck, for some reason, and since then I've convinced myself that breaking up with you was one of the most stupid things she's ever done in her life.

I probably shouldn't have initiated the online conversation that led to this. By this, I mean this—all this talking we do through text, sometimes through chat.

I mean, it's probably nothing.

But I must admit I've been deriving some sort of felicity from our correspondence.

Which is probably wrong. We're friends, aren't we? For me, at least, we are. I'm too scared to ask you anything because it might put you off and cause you to distance yourself from me, so I hold myself back from throwing stupid questions in your direction and plague myself instead with torturous what-ifs lacking definite answers.

I want to fall in love with you. The want in this statement implies a consciousness on my part, a decision waiting to be made. Should I jump or shouldn't I?

I really don't know.

I've been trying to weigh the pros and the cons, but I have trouble organizing the chaos in my head, so I still haven't arrived at a conclusion. Only one thing has been fully established so far: I like you. And, inevitably, I find myself hoping you'd like me too.

When such hope begins to burn in my system, I panic. And for good reason. I am putting myself in a vulnerable position because of this hope. Don't I always say that hope leads to heartbreak? And I honestly believe that. Slowly, I am becoming attached to the experience of getting good morning messages from you, of being said good night to. Then I wonder if it's you or if it's the attention I am snagging from you that has this warm feeling circling in my chest. Twice I had thanked you for your attention, and twice you'd jokingly called me emo for it. I really do appreciate it though.

I'm overanalyzing things, I know. It would be much easier to just ask you, of course, but it's too risky to do so. Besides, we've only just been talking for a week, so what the hell, right? I'm scared of freaking you out, so I'll shut up for now.

And I know you probably won't get to read this but I'm writing it anyway, just to get the shit off my head even just for a second.

I want to fall in love with you.

But according to societal norms, it's too early for love so I will like you for now. I'll make an attempt to extinguish the tiny flicker of hope buried under my skin, but I'll hold on to the possibility of you getting me a pack of Life Savers, just as you said you would.

That day, when I finally saw you again, my heart raced I couldn't help fidgeting with my phone. Games are a good distraction so I consumed the remaining time trying to beat a tough level in a game called Taiko no Tatsujin. You said I looked like I wanted to smash my phone against a wall. I probably looked retarded. I wish I were cute instead.

I don't remember much about you, but I don't think I can forget you now.

I want to go out with you on a movie date or something. Hang out with you at an empty parking lot and talk to you about the stupidest things. But I can't ask you out. I'm not brave enough. Not because I'm scared of rejection but because it might mean having to give up on the inside joke involving mouthwash and the poring faced emoticon. And more than being rejected, it's losing these things that keep me from popping the question.

And then there's you. I mean, this has been all about me, me, me so far, so let's talk about you. You do have someone you like, don't you? Maybe someone you love, even. Of course, I'm only making assumptions, and if there's one piece of advice I get told often by my friends, it's to stop assuming. Easier said than done, though.

This is so damn complicated.

I want to fall in love with you.

And if this keeps up, I might just do.

- Star
Posted by Le Love at 10:08 PM

Throwbackkk

So, you've probably noticed that recently I have been listening to throwback music. Today I decided to revisit some really great R&B stuff- another great genre I fully love.

And I have to say, The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill is by far one of the best albums ever produced. For serious. The real and soulful lyrics, harmonies, instrumentals, and differing tempos- incredible, it's as if every single detail was meticulously calculated and crafted down to the T to create this epic album that possesses so much goddamn heart. But then again, the woman did win like 5 Grammys in one night for this album. Haha so epic? Definitely.

I love love love this one- it really hits the spot/heart/mind/soul in every which way.
A bit sad, but so so good. (but then again, the sad ones are again always the best ones- I said that too much haha)


Okay, I think I might be going overboard with all these music junk, but then again- I did warn you. (;

Sanguine

Soo, one of my favorite things to do is cook. Whenever I'm having a shitty day- if I don't go to Barnes & Noble's Bookstore, probably because I opt out to save some money- I like to go grocery shopping and then make something. Grocery shopping calms me down. I know, it's weird right? Meh, whatever works right? Cooking therapy is amazing, I love how it calms my nerves. But me loving to cook is a very contrasting thing because I am a very very clumsy person. So yeah, clumsiness and cooking is a very dangerous combination.

So as I was chopping up vegetables today, I stupidly ran my left pinky along the side of the sharp ass Japanese-ultra-superior-made blade. Immediately I said out loud, "Wow, you are an idiot."

I have to say the excess amount of red blood was pretty fascinating. Is it weird how enthralled I am by this kind of stuff? But then again I've always liked watching bloody surgery shows on television while my family sat there in awe completely labeling me an odd child. I don't know, I've just always loved human anatomy. I would've completely chosen my profession to be a surgeon- probably cardiothorasic- but I am not smart enough. Definitely not that genius enough and at least I'm intelligent enough to realize that and understand. But it's cool.

Anyway, is it also weird that I think red has become my new favorite color. I just love the color- it's so pretty.

By the by, yep clumsily slit my finger by accident today. Sweet.

Oh and the chorus to this song always cheers me up. It's so cute- I love the upbeat tempo of this song the best. The rest of it is kind of weird haha. But when it gets to I'd say 0.48 seconds where the tempo changes, I love it. As well as at 1:40, but I'm sure you get the gist of it. The original music video removed the embedded code so this was all I could find. Enjoy.

Testimonial

A bit sad right now- it just struck me suddenly, but it's more of a bittersweet sentiment.

I came to a sort of revelation/realization.
I just want to put both of my parents in my pocket keeping them there indefinitely with the intention of protecting them forever from any harm or danger- or any kind of hurt for the matter.

Just thought I should put that down on virtual paper.

Oh. And also, I need to stop making such a mess and fool of myself. Mmkay. Oh! And I've concluded that I apparently have the ability to fall in and out of infatuation/love/lust as much as 3-5 times a day haha. Pretty sweet, haha I guess that explains a lot- but I am quite fickle minded and inconsistent. Oh! And I think I'm addicted to Sugarfree Red Bulls. Haha because they give me wingssss! Okay just kidding, but only on the wings part- I really love Red Bulls, they make my day better immediately and effectively.

That is all, carry on.

ELO

Sun is shining in the sky, there ain't a cloud in sighttttt.


Hey you with the pretty face! Welcome to the human raceeee.

Haha perfect day for this song. Cheers lovers. Happy Thursday. <3


Ooh! I love love love ^this version slightly better. (: Sorry ELO.

Check Check It Out

Guess I got off the right side of the bed this morning and began the day fresh. Maybe it's the sunny weather in Southern California (be jealous haha. no wonder everyone hates Californians), who knows. But really, there's nothing like blasting feel good music while driving and singing at the top of your lungs, as well as dancing and full on vibing in the driver's seat all at the same time- not even giving a shit about other people clearly watching and wishing they were next to you, holla. It really brightens up everything just a little bit more; it especially helps when you need it.

I really need to kick this bad habit. But for now, check out Mark Ronson and his mixes. His music is really helping me; I can't help but smile and have a good mood whenever I listen to his beats. It doesn't hurt that he's cute as hell to boot. I think I might be in love all over again. ;) (fantasy still surpasses reality yes? at least for now until I can convert my own fantasies and dreams)






Going to try really hard to not let the ball drop this time around. Good mood begins NOW.

The Good-Morrow

After all these years, I still love this poem so much. But then again, I suppose we're always going to love certain beautiful things that have touched our souls during our life spans. Enjoy. (:

I wonder by my troth, what thou and I
Did, till we loved ? were we not wean'd till then?
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den?
'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be;
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.

And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown;
Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.

-John Donne <3

Another Chance, Take A Fall, Take A Shot

I like Timbaland's version too, but this music video is so much sicker. I've always loved this song and its lyrics. Just proves that really, no one ever listens to lyrics because these sure are morbid (those are always the best ones though right?), absolutely lyric-tastic.

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say.
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground.

Bullshit Anon

Yep, so all that crap I wrote below last night about starting fresh, didn't work. I had absolutely no motivation to get out of bed today, but henceforth I did because I have no other choice. Just because your life stops, doesn't mean that the world stops with you. Only you and you alone can save yourself. (but what happens when you're just too tired to continue doing it? I would rather have someone break through the threshold and do it for me regardless if I want them to or not, just so I wouldn't have to think and make decisions for myself anymore. That would be utterly fantastic, but life is never fair, ever.)

I didn't go to work yesterday and adding another day would just make my workaholic personality feel tremendously guilty.

But, it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed everyday now. I'm starting to think that maybe I should be taking a different perscription. But then again I haven't been taking it consistently lately, so yeah.

Update*** 3:31pm
As of right now, this is the first time in a really long while that I am actually craving a Marboro 27 so badly, almost desperately because I feel like that's the only thing that may calm the fluctuating pandemonium which still continues to reside in my chest, like a cloud of hyper-active electrons, no matter how much I try to battle it with an unrelenting intake of electrifying caffeine.

Personal Favorite From Personal Favorite

Seriously, I don't know what it is about poetry that I love, but it is just so goddamn beautiful. Maybe this is what I needed. A revisiting to some personal favorites to lift me back up again- a subdued and surrounded submergence of beautiful things. I forgot how great being in my incandescent literary bubble made me. I forgot just how much it seemed to lift me up and save me- even if only for just a little blissful while. Suddenly I feel more hopeful now. (Or maybe it was just my whole ability to be rid of things I become sick with. ie; this annoying temperament. Hmm we shall see right? Because none of my good moods ever last for long, but here's to hoping.)
But anyway.
Seriously, the greats (way too many to name- I could go on forever- and to each his/her own time period) are called the greats for a reason right? A small and personal confession: reading Shakespeare- especially my favorite parts I can quote- makes me tear up, still after all this time, but reading a really great passage or breath-taking greatly worded verse can ridiculously bring tears to my eyes. Seriously, I swear females become more emotional with age because it is seeming thus so with me. But here's one that I love- I've been meaning to start posting about writings and works that I love. So here's the first, pure and simple without explanation.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

BULLSHIT

Ugh this is crap! The way I feel.

Tomorrow: Start a new day.
Fuck this shit. I need to kick this habit.
This mood has got to be shot dead, or at least needs to go on vacation for a good goddamn while.
I'm sick of this shit and even though I am like this, I am still the eternal optimist. So, what the fuck?

So as of now, I am channeling my internal jedi-like super-mega-extreme powers of mind bending wizardry. 1, 2, ready? Go.

I'm losing myself. I can see it slowly dwindling away. As if I am watching as an outside third party spectator.
So when does the process finally end? Because I'm so fucking tired.

I told my mother today. Okay, it actually slipped out. I said, "I'm tired. Can I just quit life?"

She didn't understand. Lucky at that.

I can't do this anymore.

Warning** Explicit Content

Just Listen

God I love this song. Billie does another version and as much as I love her, I love this version the best. I have the 6 minute 27 second version, but I couldn't find that one on youtube.

Ugh, and this one too!

Mama Cass sings an amazing version of this one too, and can't forget the version Kevin McHale sings on Glee!

Haha okay, I think I'm going a little overboard with this.. What is it about this genre that I just love so much?

<3

Mission Possible/Impossible?

Enough. I need to get this off my chest once and for all rather than keep it in and try to avoid/repress it, so just bear with me.

There's a reason why I am so tightly shut. I always say I won't let this happen again after it does. Really, I do a great job for a while. I keep closed for a long time until that detrimental day when I decide to idiotically take a risk, because blah blah blah life. Right? Ugh, so wrong; somebody for once urge me not to give a different one the chance and encourage me to keep protecting myself. And thus, I am still the voluntary fucking fool. And for what? My inability to forsake hope completely is ruining me. I am still the eternal optimist no matter how far I sink.

My goal right now is to erase you permanently from my mind and to just stop complaining. Even I am getting sick and tired of hearing myself, but I say that often.

I opened myself up to you; I chose to trust you. I made the stupid and foolish decision that I could let you in and that I could fall for you- just like that. Maybe eventually love you. I told you things that I keep hidden from people- everyone, because I know, the majority doesn't care. I told you things that you might not think are personal, but are too personal to me. Because you wanted to know; you kept trying to dig deeper- at least that was the facade you put up. And it came too easily with you. What were you trying to find? You seemed to be a good one this time and different. (but don't they always seem like that before they choose to be assholes?) You gave off the impression that you really wanted to know what was underneath- even when I wouldn't tell you just yet; I would've eventually though if you had kept trying. You said that it wasn't about you and that it was all about me. But you're just like the rest of them. Why go through all that effort? if you were going to just be like the rest of them? Because you sure as hell didn't get any.
I really want to say certainly that this will never happen again, but every time I swear that, it ends up happening again due to my vicious pattern of self-destruction. So let's just hope I never let it happen again- though it probably will.

So, cheers to you who restored my bitter cynicism about hopeful love and twisted faith. Thank you for bringing me back to ground level and reality, for I was definitely soaring way too high.

American Blues/Jazz/Soul?

I know I've said it before, but really I cannot stress it enough just how much I love slow Bluesy Jazz/Soul- hah yeah I made that word up, I really don't know what genre to label this kind of music. But I love it; the intense slowness of emotion and the vintage feel. You know, the kind you can really slow dance closely to and just get lost in. (you know, Billie Holiday, Otis Redding, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong- that kind of stuff) I love that. It is by far, besides classical, my other favorite genre (this genre includes r&b too because it precedes it and borned it- I love love love r&b). I love music of all genres, but classical and bluesy Jazz/Soul are my most favorite. I think I'm an old soul trapped in the wrong era; but I've always wished to be transported to the past because I surely do not fit in here.

I love the light piano repetition of simple chords, the every-present background bass matched with a light drum beat, and the unmistakable sound created and ultimately pulled together by the violin. I love this; it holds a very special and major space in my spirit. It makes up some of my light. I love her slow songs, Etta's has a certain sound, her own sound- the violin and the collective, so put together simplicity that always just works and compliments her strong voice. I'd say this is the romanticist coming out of me that loves this so. I would say her old stuff is the best haha.

Late Night Sparkling Ramble, Can You Dig It?

Is it human nature to be this tragic? I suppose the literary condition is to be a recluse that is too expressive, too tragic, and much too passionate for their own good.
Unfortunately, all of these spoken qualities, I possess way too greatly.

It's difficult to elaborate, but I live life too passionately- yes, even on a day to day basis, and even when I am at a tragically depressed 8-8.5. This passion attributes to my personality coming on too strongly. Which I really hate at times. I suppose it's one of my major flaws- though I have too many.

I try- all of the time, to find the perfect words to try and explain this feeling, but I can't. I can hardly explain it, everything is more of a magnetic surge of an intense and rushed feeling of momentum that is utterly trapped in my body which only just continuously bounces around from place to place in confined capacity.

You know, (pay attention, this part is important)
the whole wanting to know so much more that is out there; the hidden arcanum of life and our realm. Indulgent philosophy- finding your own philosophy and reason for living. Finding a personal existential transcendence, being moved by it, applying it, and then seeing life so much more differently than everyone else because indeed within that moment, you have already changed. Knowing that if you expressed and revealed what your soul thrived on to most people, that they wouldn't be capable of even wanting to understanding this too in depth magnitude, which the like of you could only go on forever discussing because you know they would just freak out and panic; henceforth assuming you to be one of those outcasts people refrain from socializing with. But to us kindred souls (you either know you are one or not), the outcast label is a given.
Still too difficult to explain, but thus I tried.

Hmm, something to think about yes?

My Last Ounce Of Hope

I know I close myself off too quickly. I know that.
I like to erase, delete, and discard. I realize that- but it's become one of my unfailing hobbies that I do not want to give up; of which I refuse to give up. Though one day I probably will reluctantly have to I suppose.
I know I push people away. I know that.
I know I run people off. I know that.
I know my standards and expectations are way too damn high.
I know that.

But I decline to settle. I won't be that girl that settles. I can't be that girl.
I refuse to be that girl.

There will be a day when I do, settle I mean.

The one who will be fearless and protective. Who won't be scared to brace the stormy waters and chaos. Who will take care of me very patiently and unconditionally, 'cause god knows I really need it- no matter how much I feign toughness and independence. I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I need to be taken care of. I'm just so damn tired.

I am entirely broken, damaged, twisted, dark, and fucked up inside. But you already knew that. Every possible destructive quality you can think of, I'm probably it. But, you already knew this.

The one who will always be there and who will always want to be there, 'cause god knows how great and fucked up my abandonment issues are, no matter how well I cover them up. (This is probably why I can't ever let myself get attached to anything or anyone. Or if I do, I immediately do something to fuck it up)
The one who will defy not to leave, no matter how hard I try to push him away or escape; or better yet, who won't run scared- no matter how strong I come off, but obviously with ulterior motive to scare him off.

Guys always want to know why I never give them an inch and why I am always so tough on them. Really, you want to promise me all these things and do things right with me, but don't tell me, show me. All of you are all the same. As much as I treasure words, the phrase actions speak louder than words became a phrase with meaning for a true purpose and reason dumbasses. All it takes is real thought and intellect to get to the truth.

People always leave. Everything I love, I lose.

Trust to me, has become something that needs to be proven and earned. As well as kept.

To the one who won't give up when things get too messy and hard.
To the one who will see right through me, past my face value surface barriers- past all my stupid defense mechanism/self-preservation bullshit. And who will want to really reach me without regret.

He, is who I dream about.
He, is the reason I would rather keep sleeping for.
Him, I want.
He, I will let in.



Truth, I am really beginning to wish that I had never experienced any love or lust at all. Or that I wasn't so inconsistent so it wouldn't be too easy for me to fall in love so conveniently or change my mind too quickly. That maybe everything would be fine if I were left alone and still in pristine condition having never been scarred, roughly cut up, and burned repeatedly.
Maybe I would be normal.

Maybe this is too much to hope for. Is it?

A Momentous Triumph- Must Be Noted

My poetry project, I would say as of yesterday has begun to come along quite swimmingly. And I have begun to carry my funsize notebook around with me at all times because when you think of something and you don't have anything to write on, it tends to get annoying real quick.
In anyway, I think my trials are getting better the more I toy and toil around. Maybe practice make perfect proves true? Astonishingly and surprisingly, I think I may have my own style already. I've noticed a pattern that I have adhered to sometimes without intention. Pretty cool huh? And of course I say all of this in the utmost humble way, since I still think it's notwithstandingly pretty bad poetry. In any way, it has become a new outlet which I am completely loving and enjoying. I love the flowing creativity it's giving me. (It doesn't hurt that it is extensively helping me so much with the handling of my emotions and making it way easier for me to happily let things go without much sting, I can't seem to describe what feeling it gives me) Such a good thing indeed.<3

Stop

I think this will always be one of my all time favorite songs. Any time, anywhere. Replay and repeat. (Also, every time Fight Club is on, I can never not watch it nor get tired of it, but that's not the reason why I love this song)

Check out all of the individual sounds that so completely mesh together and form this eerie, yet so perfect resonance and vibration. I mean everything; the beginning, the continued and distinct guitar riff, the awesome background bass- not to ever be upstaged by the guitar or drums, and then the riveting howling- voice created by the band singers- that just solidifies the entire song into something rather amazing. And don't forget the ever so cryptic lyrics of course. (Hmm, maybe I should just start writing solely about music?)

When I saw them in concert at the Palladium, they fucking rocked the house and then some. Kim Deal is part of the reason why I have really thought about learning the bass guitar.

Right now I feel,
like I can breathe better. And ergo,

I'm letting go.

Update** Jan. 17th, 1:55am.
Sorry love, deleted- it couldn't be helped.
Goodbye.

Let's Run Away

And don't ever look back..

So, the mayhem? Totally worth it.
Part of the reason I participated was in hopes to possibly re-balance my imbalanced brain chemicals in muh body (haha yes I said muh, as in m-body, good times eh?). Because maybe the last time I did it, I think it screwed up some wires. It's been almost 2 years since the last time. I'm actually quite surprised how good I feel right now when I should be in a hole and extremely miserable. But no, I actually feel at ease and displaced away from the wreck. Numbness is a good thing that I always welcome with open arms. I'm glad I decided to join in on the festivities. I got to dance it up and out (which I've really needed- it's been a while, haha what?- a few days) and reunion it with a lot of good and old friends. Pretty sweet.

A Stir

I think mayhem is about to be stirred up tonight. Probably going to get myself into some kind of trouble. I'm ready, let's do this.

Brace Yourself

Death is selfish. A cop out. It's a lousy scapegoat.
But I feel like I'm dying inside.
I'm in the dark place. Or at least 3 steps away.
I took the long way home today.
I know I'm reckless. Am I reckless because my subconscious is hoping for a particular permanence that does not include one of this world?
I know I'm careless. Is something deep within me hoping that one day, I won't be so lucky? And that the work will just be done for me?
God, what am I even saying right?
I'm drowning, in a deep, black hole.
I don't know if I can fight anymore.
I don't know how much more I can bear.
Death is perchance to dream, to dream for all eternity.
I'm just a shell of a being; there is nothing left of me.
I have nothing in me.
I'm just passing time. I'm not living.
Forcing myself to eat because I honestly can't feel past my arms and legs. My limbs are tingly and restless.
Like a real out of body experience. Uncontrollably drifting and floating neither here nor there.
I think I crossed a line of thought today and I don't know whether to apologize or fear for my preference to this idea. Today is the first time I've welcomed the idea of it all being gone. But death is selfish. No, suicide is selfish. And I'm too cowardly and have too much empathy for the ones who care about me. I fear for their own destruction over mine. I would rather take a ten fold amount of pain than have them hurt in any way- I choose compensation and negotiation. So what to do?
I accidentally got a paper cut today and immediately felt satisfied with the stringing sear.
That is not normal. (obviously dumbass)
Red has become one of my favorite colors this year. Rest assured, I have not picked up the knife. So you can all relax- you'd all be so proud.
And I know something is wrong. I don't need anyone to tell me that there is. I've known it for more than 10 years. But what needs to happen?
No matter how much it may seem that I need saving, I get the feeling that I actually don't want to be saved.
I deleted more contacts from my phone last night as well as wiped away the memory.
I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I want to be taken care of. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired of being so strong and independent.
Yet at the same time, I also feel I just want to be left alone permanently and fully embrace the tempest. The thing is, I don't know what I want and I can't seem to fucking make a damn decision because what if the decision is the wrong one?

Hiding

I just want to hide into myself and disappear. It hurts everywhere. Everywhere everywhere everywhere. (I'm running out of words that say the same things) I need a really good hysterical cry too. I can barely breathe. I can't stand this anymore. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The only thing keeping me from completely slipping is music.

Running out of time,
I know I've gotta find you.
Wonder if you're even there.
Taking me for granted,
I can barely stand it.
Wonder why I even care.

Oh now baby you, can't you see,
I'm hiding in your arms.
Oh now baby you, can't you see,
Don't wanna find myself in harm.

Showing me the way, I thought I heard you say
That good things come to those who wait.
Watching every hour, watch it going sour.
Watching you control my fate.

Oh now baby you, can't you see,
I'm hiding in your arms.
Oh now baby you, can't you see,
Don't wanna find myself in harm.

Running out of space, I can't see your face.
I've forgotten how you used to be.
Saying that you love me, that you're thinking of me,
Taking my identity.

Oh now baby you, can't you see.

College Dropout

As I drink in my morning dose of black coffee (I love black coffee, can't help it), I swear, I think I should- or I'm going to start writing about music more often now (as if I already don't haha) in this blog of mine because most of my entire life is so consumed in it. My life is like a forever looping soundtrack. I've thought a lot about writing about music for quite some time now (even when I have written a number of posts pertaining to this particular subject already) or having posts of certain playlists that spark something in me for the moment. But then, if I really do embrace this idea, my entry activity would probably skyrocket through the roof all the way to the milkyway and back haha. And I wouldn't be able to stop. But, would that be such a bad thing? I don't think so.

Anyway, I started re-listening to Kanye West's albums last night- starting with College Dropout; I like to go in consecutive order with things- and man, does it bring back some really good memories from the past. You know, how you can hear a familiar song and it just pushes you back in time to that very moment and emotion? How one little beat or verse can make you re-live a specific interval from the past- whether it be good or bad of course. And then somehow your entire mood is changed and lifted- given if it's a good reminiscing.

And for me, these are good times. (But the thing is, anything having to do with music is a good thing) So I'm left with a tingly and fantastic sensation of warmth and fuzziness, as well as an elated and frenzied delectation of being in a dream-like yet conscious state as I pass through my day and its obilgatory routine. I feel that right now and I can't get enough. I love it.

Having jump started the morning off just perfectly, I feel like I'm so well equipped to tackle on the world. Not something I feel often- so, major score.

Haha, see what I mean about how I can go on for days when caught up in a musical colloquy?
Maybe I should dedicate posts to certain songs I have on replay that move my soul/heart/entire being for this amazing prime juncture of existence. (Hmm, not that I haven't been doing so already? But then again I'm constantly circling around myself)

And see what music does to me? You just don't know. Seriously, it is another addiction- but I would say it's a superior one. A non-abusive drug that is capable of a wonderful sort of healing and therapy that can create magic through inspiration and relativity. It puts life in perspective, yes? Yes.

Anyway, I digress and have run away as always from my intentional motive and topic.

I forgot just how good the album College Dropout was. It is so damn good! I mean I hate Kanye West with a passion- when I say this I mean the person he is, or at least his persona that he has created and portrayed, obviously through the media since, who can say who a person really is- but his music is undeniably excellant. I swear, I've said this countless times before, everything he touches seems to turn to sparkling and scintillating gold. True, with time his wordplay and lyric ability has diminished, but his beats are still just as strong as ever. All his albums are amazing and they each add a different element collectively to his discography. (Oh my god, I cannot believe I am discussing Kanye West- the major prick- haha but no, I am not praising him, but praising his musical work- so that makes it okay!)

But by the by, the lyrical work in College Dropout is amazing (and it doesn't hurt that it totally takes indulgence in my other secret love- hm how I seem to have an infinite amount of those- for comical rapping, I do this out of fun and not seriousness haha- it makes life more interested no? And you know me, I always like to make things and things to be mega interesting- I can't help my nature)- as well as his other albums- with in my opinion the exception of My Beautiful Dark And Twisted Fantasy. I mean the album is great, but truth be told, the lyrics immensely suck! But, the beats are utterly amazing. So props to that, still a great album. You have to admit, his collaborations have been money.

Wow, I really love music and discussing about it. Har har. Fantastic start of the day. Definitely set the precedent for mornings to come. Holla!

Hey Dumbass

Yeah, you who lives down the street from me. I'm sick of your shit. Get your life together. Get your shit together. I'm sick of letting you in and then your unfaltering and contiguous pattern of disappointing me. Get it fucking together. I'm about to just fucking move on. I have a fucking life. And I realize that may be a little harsh, but too bad. My blog, so fucking deal.
Either I was right in my ever-present doubts for not yet letting you completely in ('cause in actuality you really don't care just as I presumed) or I have completely overestimated you (once again) and our friendship- which you wanted (once again). Either way, I hate liars and have no room for them in my life- I don't need this shit nor need/have to put up with it. Do fucking better, this shit is getting old real quick.

Good Grief

Oh my god, this is pissing me off. (the utter stupidity of all these insane and chaotic emotions I mean- it absolutely is not helping at all, the fact that our female gift has presented itself within the past two days either. So imagine just how out of control I feel)
I need to get rid of this miserable and dumb rut of a mood.

Let's decide to be over it right, now.

Dunzo! Good mood begins now now now. (remember my life philosophy, embrace the pain full on and when you're sick of carrying it, discard and move on! All you have to do (well all I have to do) is keep moving forward and leave the past where it belongs. Yes? Yes.)
By the by, the amazing therapeutic powers of music are definitely helping big time. I know I can always always count on music and words to bring me back. So huzzah!
Happy Monday and cheers lovers.

Update** 4:38pm
Haha, this method totally worked. (astonished? haha be or don't be, it doesn't make any difference to me! Rhyme, my secret love and guilty pleasure, that only comes out when I'm feeling silly and when least expected, for rhyming stupidly. Revealed? Yes. Oh you know how I love word play.) Smiling majorly and got my dancing mood back. Holla! (:

Saviour

I think I need some help.
8.5
I'm sorry I'm such a goddamn mess. Unfixable.

First

I have a first date tonight. With you.
Yep, kind of freaking out a bit.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like throwing up.

Update** Sunday Jan.9th, 9pm
So, the date went really really well.
But now I'm scared that once he finds out how truly messed up and damaged I am, that he won't be interested anymore. Or that he'll get scared off and run. (I'm even scared that he has already lost interest- seriously all this super insecurity is really not attractive, good thing I'm good at hiding things. I had to get that off my chest though- you know I always feel better after I write.)

So he said he wanted to read my blog and poetry project (pretty bad poetry if you ask me- the few I have attempted), and as we all know, both are personal as hell. I told him no and he got slightly butthurt. The thing is, I wouldn't have such a problem with it if I wasn't so scared of him finding out all of my buried secrets and deep rooted issues. This is why my blog is anonymous because it's more liberating and it gives more courage to say whatever without worrying about what others will say. As you can clearly conclude, this blog is completely filled with an erratic roller coaster of heavily emotional chaos. Though more and more of my friends are finding out my blog, but surprisingly it's helping me adjust and become more open. But it's still a bit freaky.
My words say it all.

Update** Jan 10th. 4:30pm
By the way, I think you got me sick. Thanks a grip, really. (sarcasm not to be ignored)

8? Or More?

It's a fucking 8 right now at 6:10a.m. and I have no fucking idea.
I feel like crying.
Why?
My entire chest hurts.
It radiates some ridiculous aching. ( I know, completely absurd right?)
Fucking end this now please.
I am so sick of this goddamn redundant and twisted cycle; it just forever self-perpetuates.
Fucking spectacular right?

Wrong.

Ugh. fucking bullshit.

What if I fall, further than you?
Promise not to promise anymore.

Just listen and hear. (one of my all time all time favorite songs, me and this song have had a special relationship for almost 4 years)

I

just don't know,

feel like I can't.

don't know if I can do this.

70% of my subconscious is screaming at me to just run. Run fast and never return. Hide too while I'm at it. Fucking innate defense mechanisms. Oh yeah, I did some damage during shopping therapy yesterday. And then did some today too.
5 pairs of shoes (nice huh? can never have too many pairs of shoes, and believe me I have way too many to count) + nice date clutch, shirt, and pants within a 2 day span. Yet, after all this luscious consumerism, I still feel like shit. Damn. right?

Beautiful Beautiful

Haha I have no idea why, but I am in such a good mood this morning! Like, so good.

I'll leave you with a great 90's hit. Remember this one? I used to love watching this on MTV when I was a little kid- I think I was about 8? Haha music aficionado since day 1!

Happy Wednesday lovers. (:

Even Brighter Than

"Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin. Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel, already buried deep. Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing." -Sorry, can't help but love this song and its high repetitive notes which are fun to sing to. It just goes to show that really, no one ever listens to the lyrics. Unless you are a kindred spirit like me.

Yep, totally woke up this morning wanting to just continue sleeping.
I don't want to work anymore, all I want to do is just sleep and sleep and sleep.
Drugs don't do shit.
And my physician wouldn't prescribe me a greater dosage. Well, because I'm at the highest (300mg) and there are only 2 doses (150mg, 300mg of course) for Wellbutrin XL. They say it's the good stuff.
With the high influx of post activity and intertwined desperate and disconsolated pensivity, you can tell it's happening again can't you? Why does it always seem like it's happening again? It seems to be always happening again, but when is it going to get there? When is it going to hit its mark? What does hitting the mark actually mean?
I'm so over everything of last year. I'm just so over it all. I mean, it was a great year, but I'm ready to leave it behind me and never deal with it again. But, you know that's just how I am, I don't like to go back and do what I've already done. So ready to delete and discard. (two of my favorite things to do) Things that happened just a few weeks ago feel so far away from me now. And I just don't care anymore. Weird how that often seems to happen to me; the rise of a sudden euphorically nonchalant behavior- which I fully embrace and love. (But a price to pay because it stems from my sporadic high and low mood changes that can occur in an instance) I love fresh and new starts. (You know me, I thrive off of starting a new and discarding. I don't know why I do it- like to push everything away- but it's one of the things that I cannot live without. Feels pretty good and liberating.) Perfect opportunity. I can't wait to go home after work and crawl in bed.

Hey

Let's not pretend this is something it's really not.

Or,

Let's pretend it never happened at all.

Goddamn Idiot

Yes, it's been two days and I'm starting to fucking miss you friend. I know I ignored your text yesterday (you know, self-preservation/defense mechanism. I just needed some time), but I did text you today, twice. Jerk, where the hell are you? (Wait, I know where you are, right down the fucking street!) You fucking asshole and goddamn idiot. Bleh, this is why I refuse to open up and get attached to anything animate. Ugh, whyyyyyy. Perhaps it was all just a fluke. Well, if I scared you off, it was probably my subconscious goal. Success?