Serious Confession

I've realized that I always fall for the guys that are off limits. You know, the ones who are already involved or completely not even an option because of the codes genders are silently supposed to abide to. There are so many of them (and too many on my mind right now) that I have more interest (too much interest in, in terms of possible falling for) in than the single ones.

Why is that?
Is it the whole, wanting what you can't have factor?
The fact that they are already at a distance so I don't need to worry about opening up or taking a risk if it were someone who was available? (My whole self preservation/defense mechanism thing)
Or the reasoning that all the good ones are taken?

What is it?
"I want your love and all your lover's revenge. You and me could write a bad romance." <3 (gotta love that song right? I'm not much of a Lady Gaga fan, but that song is so good. Truth be told, the lyrics were what hooked me)

Finally!

So this week and the previous has been shitty for multiple reasons.
Mainly, it is because I have been getting no so great grades such as a C+ on my midterm and a B+ on my other midterm. Both a point away from the next higher grade. Ain't that a bitch?

So I have indeed been feeling shitty because for one, I pride myself in putting my all into my work. And that means that if I get it bad grade, me being my own really worst critic, I take it on myself really hard and I take it personally. Ain't that just another bigger and bitter bitch?

Anyway, I have 3 classes every Tuesday and Thursday, the same classes naturally for the 3 hours a week requirement in the U.C. systems. For my last class today, I got my paper back and I received an A (which is what I normally receive and have been receiving in grades). And all I have to say is FINALLY. Whenever I get a really bad grade, I take it all too personally and sometimes it is able to shake the self confidence in me in my own ability and self profane genius.

So yes, I do feel slightly lighter and better now, and I have turned on my self preservation to full throttle to enable my ability to get over things more quickly. But it still doesn't take away the fact that I should have done better in the other two classes. I should have tapped into my greater potential rather than just sucked when I thought I had kicked my midterms' asses. But again as I had said earlier, this too shall pass. I cannot wait until the weekend arrives.

Goddamn

Goddamn.
This week fucking sucks. And it's only Tuesday.
Last week blew too. Fuck.
Yesterday I was so bummed I even went grocery shopping (because it calms me down and it's another guilty pleasure) and visited Barnes and Nobles and came out with 3 books (though I really wanted 6). That worked for a while, until I woke up this morning.
I feel like screaming and crying at the same time from so much pent up frustration.
Fucking goddamn fluctuating hormones and shitty chain of events that always have to follow the good ones.
Goddamn. Yes this too shall pass, but right now, fucking shit.
Fucking goddamnit.

...

I feel like disappearing..
I don't want to do anything anymore.
I want to just entirely stop everything.
Completely stop time. Stop the moments. Just stop.

This Is Probably Bad..

Is it?

Two heavy words, Suicidal thoughts.
And I am ashamed to have finally admitted it.

I'm drowning and I can't save me.

My faith in mankind is wavering. Usually I can ignore it, but lately it really has just been entirely too much. It really probably is the person I am.

I am the kind of person who can't help but believe in the best of people. Who can't help but still hold on the to faith of mankind to be good. I am the kind of person who tries to strive to my own best potential. The kind of person who wants to be the b est person they can be. And when I see people who seem to be the very opposite and don't care, I have to be honest, it hurts. And I don't know why.

I feel like the weight of the huge burden of those who have no conscience and are entirely okay with being a bad person sink into me so entirely so much that often times I cannot stand or bear it.

My heart hurts with knowing the state of mankind is so degenerated and at times really hopeless.
I believe in the greater good of people and I really do hate my personality. My personality is one that continues to be good everyday regardless of the immense crap life seems to represent.

I believe in transcendence and existentialism. I believe in the progress of improving one's self for the purpose of just complete and utter beneficial greatness it can possibly achieve.

Why wouldn't one want to be the best person they can be? Why would you want to be such a horrible person.

I hate that I am so empathetic. I hate that I feel so much of the emotions of others and that it ultimately weighs down on my chest to affect me in such a great way. It almost makes me really want to give up.

It is taking my greatest will to really not just ram my car right into a wall as I speed up to 90 miles an hour on the hectic freeway of southern California.

That's bad isn't it? To want to hurt myself so badly because I can't possibly take any more of the cruelty of society.

Why would I rather hurt myself as a means to solve everything?
I guess because it's easier. It is easier to begin with myself than even try to subtly enlighten the minds of others.

(I try everyday at night not to make another cut into my flesh in hopes of relieving the pain I feel inside me)

It just hurts so much.
I become just so affected and hurt by the misfortunes of others so immediately and easily.
And it really sucks. I wish it wasn't like that.

I try so hard not so shed my own blood everyday that it is becoming way too difficult to not even think about it. And I hate how I tend to think about it almost every moment of the day.

I wish I were a different person who was not so bothered and affected by the triviality of the world.
But I am. Which makes it all the more difficult to continue living.

Why do I have to be like that?
It just hurts so bad thinking about how others can just live their lives so cruelly without any guilt to their own conscious and person as a whole.

And in truth, I really am sorry that I think this way because this is not how life is supposed to be.
This is such bullshit.

Friday Night Blues

I have no idea why, but it's an 8 right now. My entire chest hurts and it feels like it is radiating waves of discomfort. I feel like I just want to crawl into a little ball on my bed and cry. Alas, I am out busy with prior engagements this weekend despite the way I feel. A cigarette while driving in my car andlistening to music didn't even help.

Oh God..

Yeah, I don't know, but my heart hurts. (Completely pathetic in my opinion if I may add) Maybe it's from the incredibly induced inebriation of alcohol, okay most likely, but when it comes down to it. My heart hurts. I hurt for everyone who has been hurt and can't have what they want. (I really hate just how completely empathetic I am for this has just been spurned from the love troubles of a close friend) And I hurt for my own heartbreaks. I just want someone to be there for me. Like really and truly there for me.

Smooth Sailing?

Things seem to be looking up and going fairly well. I am talking about a specific something but will add that everything else seems to be going actually quite more than well. And when I mean everything, I mean things that are within my reach and control. And I am so glad for it. It feels fantastic.

As for my specific subject, I am being cautious and am trying not to divulge anything too quickly. I am too scared of my own potential happiness, so we shall see. I just wanted to archive this sudden and elated emotion because there is the possibility of potential butterflies to settle in my stomach. Hope for me lovers.

Smooth sailing? I sure hope so.

P.s. I am now done reading all of my books and have to resort to re-reading. I am in dire need of a visit to my heaven on earth where I can spend hours getting lost in: Barnes and Nobles.

Happy Mother's Day? Not.

Once again my brother never ceases to change and emerge out of his very much jaded world. Once again he has managed to completely ruin my day with his stubborn and impossible male chauvinistic demeanor. I say something lightly in response in hopes of his realized understanding as he has once again jabbed a low blow as a mechanism for his underdeveloped mentality of skewed perception towards life. I say something lightly, hoping that this is the chance where he can try to understand, and he completely gets all defensive and blows up while refusing to understand where I am coming from and refusing to understand myself as a person and who I have grown into just because I do happen to be 5 years younger. (As all ignorant and incorrigible men do which ceases their productivity in mental growth for their own great potential person) What is with people with those superiority complexes when it comes to age. What is wrong with people who are so close-minded they can't see beyond their own noses? Age does not necessarily mean wisdom. It all depends on the rate one grows internally and the experiences life happens to throw at a person.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect, for I am so entirely far from it. I am filled with flaws and am an immensely imperfect person. But I do internally strive to become a better person with each day that passes and try to remain open-minded. I am after all a strong believer in Existentialism. I don't know, maybe it's easier for me to do so because I have always been on the other end, so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because I can relate. I don't know, it's quite simple. Treat others as you would like to be treated. How hard is it to have compassion and empathy for other without compromising one's own integrity? I hate how I am just so empathetic and become so affected by the vices and follies of others who are so close-minded. I care for their own well-being as a person because in truth, they can be so much better than that. Whatever may be the cause, and however much I become hurt, I still can't shake my faith in mankind. I hate that I care so much and become so bothered by people all over who are just so utterly awful without conscience and filled with such low morale.

So thus I have retreated to the sanctuary of my room feeling utterly shitty and quite exhausted for the constant mental beatings I have taken that have stacked up all too quickly and messily throughout my mere 21 years.

I just feel really bad for my mother because I love her so much and this is supposed to be her day. And the irresolvable issues between my close-minded brother and I have managed to ruin it for her.

Happy Mother's Day mother, I love you forever.

Befuddlement

I don't know why, but I do still feel sad and want to cry sometimes, even if there is nothing wrong, in terms of hindering, in my life. Throughout my moments of sunshine, there is always this underlying factor that is ever-present and always seeps through to return to me. Right now is one of those times. I really hate whenever this happens because I feel so lost and alone when I consider myself very strong and independent. It just suddenly strikes me out of no where and sadness all wrapped up in hurt and confusion descend into my chest to radiate throughout my entire body as if I can feel it in my fingertips. I think it is because I am lonely. I want someone there for me, like in the way of an intimate relationship and all that. Yet at the same time, I'm too scared to open myself up in that way again. I literally see myself running in the opposite direction at any occasion of opportunity rather than embracing it as I would have in the past. I find myself not able to let myself become fully engaged to allow myself to have a chance of something. I feel like I have closed myself off for so long that it's all too frightening to open up again in that way. I have changed so much and have allowed myself to become affected by the scars in my hurtful past. I feel like I am just too damaged to be able to ever be fully happy and complete. And that I just don't fit in with the real bright and shiny people in the world who don't have to fake that everything is alright. I know, ridiculous right? I am only 21 and still so young. How does that even happen? That we all become so damaged so early in this fast-paced messed up generation of today and yet there are some people out there who actually are not even close to being bruised. They are the lucky ones, while we have had the misfortune to not be. I've never been a lucky person. In fact, I have often had the worst luck. I suppose it goes hand in hand with my insanely clumsy demeanor. I'm just too different, and I know it. I have always felt it ever since I was a child. I can literally see the huge discrepancies in myself and other people.

I don't know. I want so much more for myself, but ultimately I'm just too pathetically scared. I'm too scared to put myself out there again for the immediately disappointment and downfall to come. I feel like something is wrong with me that I just can't find someone. Everyone I know is able to find someone and everywhere I see people have someone. I know everything comes down to timing, and for a girl who is always in wanting of love, I sure do get a lot of opportunities. But that's the thing, they are just merely opportunities and are never able to transfer into something real. I don't understand why guys don't see me like that. It almost counters my skewed self confidence to make me feel like something is so wrong with me. It makes me ask myself all the time, what is so wrong with me?

Truthfully, I want to be wooed and chased. I want to feel wanted and I want to be spoiled. I want to be the girl who is pursued because I am special. I have never felt that and I guess that's what I am waiting for. For a long time now I have finally understood that I deserve so much more and I now refuse to settle. And I am proud of myself for finally understanding my worth and not getting involved with guys who treat me like shit or allowing them to treat me like shit. But it does get lonely waiting for the right guy. I want the dream. I have already tried the unconventional way and that didn't work. I am a good girl at heart and am ideally old fashioned in courting aspects. I want the dream. I just hope it happens for me one day for I feel it it never will. And that scares the hell out of me.

Saving The World

I donated blood again today! Huzzah! I love donating blood. (: