Wednesday, September 30, 2009
One Shot To Remember, One More Shot To Forget.
Yeah.. pretty much. Enough said. Alcohol, one of many miracle substances.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Yet..
Yet there is this other guy in my life. There are many others that I could most definitely rebound off of though proudly I've chosen not to while relentlessly physically pushing them away with force. (My greatest feat thus far that I happen to be quite proud of.. Yes as of now, I am very much striving to work on my weak self-discipline and not give in to instant gratifying temptation)
But this one guy. He's a good one and I know it. We've become great friends over these few months miraculously, I mean how often does that happen? Really.
And with one instance of him whether it be in person or not; without reason, it seems to brighten up my mood no matter what somehow.
Yet I'm unsure. We're friends. We've become those friends that are awkward yet are able to be comfortable and say anything at the same time. Weird right? And he's able to say even the slightest statement and suddenly make me feel better or make my day better when it's turning to shit for the matter.
I don't know. Sometimes, I think of him. And it makes me feel somewhat elated and better about all the shit that has gone on with me. But he is just a friend and I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like, but truthfully, I can't really imagine it no matter how great of a guy he is. Yet, somehow I feel like that's just all we'll ever be. Friends. (Maybe I know it with confirmation in my every being) Like for both of us that we'll be nothing more ever. How twisted is that?
And the only reason I would ever admit this is because I am ever so slightly inebriated with vodka right now. Lovely liquid isn't it?
But this one guy. He's a good one and I know it. We've become great friends over these few months miraculously, I mean how often does that happen? Really.
And with one instance of him whether it be in person or not; without reason, it seems to brighten up my mood no matter what somehow.
Yet I'm unsure. We're friends. We've become those friends that are awkward yet are able to be comfortable and say anything at the same time. Weird right? And he's able to say even the slightest statement and suddenly make me feel better or make my day better when it's turning to shit for the matter.
I don't know. Sometimes, I think of him. And it makes me feel somewhat elated and better about all the shit that has gone on with me. But he is just a friend and I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like, but truthfully, I can't really imagine it no matter how great of a guy he is. Yet, somehow I feel like that's just all we'll ever be. Friends. (Maybe I know it with confirmation in my every being) Like for both of us that we'll be nothing more ever. How twisted is that?
And the only reason I would ever admit this is because I am ever so slightly inebriated with vodka right now. Lovely liquid isn't it?
Okay, I Guess Hit In The Face With A Harsh Reality.. But Not Really (I Mean Really?.. I Don't Think So)
I drank with an old friend tonight.
Drinking is always good. Any sort of inebriation that involves even a slight distraction away from the harsh consequences and mediocrities of life is a plus.
But unfortunately when it comes down to it, the utterly honest, cold and sad truth of it all is that, I miss him. So much. Even when he's actually near. And yes it makes sense; don't tell me it doesn't. But I know, how completely pathetic. It's almost bittersweet (not really), but really, completely unfair (all too unfair). Yet,I will continue to keep moving forward in hopes of a better reality because it's what I do best. It's the only thing I know how to do.
Drinking is always good. Any sort of inebriation that involves even a slight distraction away from the harsh consequences and mediocrities of life is a plus.
But unfortunately when it comes down to it, the utterly honest, cold and sad truth of it all is that, I miss him. So much. Even when he's actually near. And yes it makes sense; don't tell me it doesn't. But I know, how completely pathetic. It's almost bittersweet (not really), but really, completely unfair (all too unfair). Yet,I will continue to keep moving forward in hopes of a better reality because it's what I do best. It's the only thing I know how to do.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Universal Fate?
With every action there is a reaction, with every occurrence there is always something new to follow. Everything runs in cycles and it all follows a chain of reactions that fluctuate between action and reaction- they're interchangeable. But I digress, So I wanted to divulge that, with the new school year coming up, it's given me a surge of new hope. And I feel that this year is going to be good. I love change- that's probably the reason for my change in mood; every time a change happens it creates a high for me.
I strongly believe in the universally acknowledged phrase, "everything happens for a reason."
And I've got to tell you. At this point, I really and truly believe in it. And I'm so happy for that and so grateful. Thank god for that. (I'm not in any way religiously associated with God, if anything I'm Buddhist, but I overuse that phrase a lot)
Yes, last week I was crushed to find out that he, whose name shall not be mentioned, would not be in two of my upcoming classes in fall. (Coincidentally we had picked the same classes so ended up with 2.5 classes together) But something happened which made it so that he wouldn't be taking those classes. And really. All I've got to say is, thank god for that. At the time I was bummed out, but now after everything that has happened (I know it's still comically twisted how so many fucking things can happen in just a week or for the matter of minutes- whatever a short time can be defined as), I am relieved because I hate going backwards (which probably explains my fight or flight mentally, most days more so flight mentality) and this actually gives me a fighting chance to really start a new this time.
Everything does happen for a reason unfortunately and yes, regardless of whether we prefer it or like it or not, but in this one case it is fortunate. And I may have not known it at the time, I am filled with relief and gratitude. The things that we want aren't what are necessarily good for us and the discourse of things do suck, life isn't fair. But with every stumble there is ultimately a silver lining. Huh, spoken like a true eternal optimist huh. Well my unrelenting innate trait of hopefulness can't be helped. It is a part of my very essence. I believe in balance in the world, although most times it seems that life is too cruel and that it's more stumbles and mishaps than good things that will hopefully balance out the bad. I already know that things always do get better, they have to. I also take the much needed time for everything whether it be venting or wallowing. Everything needs its own time. Even when I'm on the verge of pure depression and clearly completely overwhelmed and consumed with despairing emotions, I always know things will ultimately get better, it's just the in between transitional period that is unbearable. Everyone needs their moment. Even if it's a bad one.
(I still don't know why I always seem to feel like I have to explain myself still after all this time, I really need to try harder to not do that and not care what others are going to think. Afterall, you don't know me personally in terms of face to face contact. But I guess I do it to clarify to you all that I'm not a dumbass like those naive girls out there that overreact and make the slightest detail into a big deal. But in result, I just end up repeating myself over and over again. Not good. will work on it.)
It's my process. 1. Get stunned- slight emotional breakdown; 2. Process (the literal image in my mind when I try to describe it to others is like a mechanical wheel turning, almost like the inner-workings of a clock)- the way my mind works is that it works things through in my mind and breaks then down logically for a resolution- it's my fierce self-preservation that I love- it's what makes me able to get over things as quickly as I do or not take things in as life-altering or destructive that normally other people wouldn't be able to; 3. Take the time needed- whether it be wallowing or struggles to repress, usually just a day or two for me and then I feel dumb and move on; and last but not least, 4. Get over it- by just continuously moving forward and telling myself that I can. It's a strong mental thing that I do.
Whatever I do, I always move forward, it might take some work, but I know what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. (I know I know, I'm filled with overused cliches) Again, you can't be sad all the time. (Yet most people would prefer to just dwell, I'm not one of them- it actually sickens me to dwell. My opinion, when it comes down to it, what has happened already happened and there's nothing you can do about it but to just get over it and move on)
Again, you have to have something to believe in right? Or else what's the point of anything?
I strongly believe in the universally acknowledged phrase, "everything happens for a reason."
And I've got to tell you. At this point, I really and truly believe in it. And I'm so happy for that and so grateful. Thank god for that. (I'm not in any way religiously associated with God, if anything I'm Buddhist, but I overuse that phrase a lot)
Yes, last week I was crushed to find out that he, whose name shall not be mentioned, would not be in two of my upcoming classes in fall. (Coincidentally we had picked the same classes so ended up with 2.5 classes together) But something happened which made it so that he wouldn't be taking those classes. And really. All I've got to say is, thank god for that. At the time I was bummed out, but now after everything that has happened (I know it's still comically twisted how so many fucking things can happen in just a week or for the matter of minutes- whatever a short time can be defined as), I am relieved because I hate going backwards (which probably explains my fight or flight mentally, most days more so flight mentality) and this actually gives me a fighting chance to really start a new this time.
Everything does happen for a reason unfortunately and yes, regardless of whether we prefer it or like it or not, but in this one case it is fortunate. And I may have not known it at the time, I am filled with relief and gratitude. The things that we want aren't what are necessarily good for us and the discourse of things do suck, life isn't fair. But with every stumble there is ultimately a silver lining. Huh, spoken like a true eternal optimist huh. Well my unrelenting innate trait of hopefulness can't be helped. It is a part of my very essence. I believe in balance in the world, although most times it seems that life is too cruel and that it's more stumbles and mishaps than good things that will hopefully balance out the bad. I already know that things always do get better, they have to. I also take the much needed time for everything whether it be venting or wallowing. Everything needs its own time. Even when I'm on the verge of pure depression and clearly completely overwhelmed and consumed with despairing emotions, I always know things will ultimately get better, it's just the in between transitional period that is unbearable. Everyone needs their moment. Even if it's a bad one.
(I still don't know why I always seem to feel like I have to explain myself still after all this time, I really need to try harder to not do that and not care what others are going to think. Afterall, you don't know me personally in terms of face to face contact. But I guess I do it to clarify to you all that I'm not a dumbass like those naive girls out there that overreact and make the slightest detail into a big deal. But in result, I just end up repeating myself over and over again. Not good. will work on it.)
It's my process. 1. Get stunned- slight emotional breakdown; 2. Process (the literal image in my mind when I try to describe it to others is like a mechanical wheel turning, almost like the inner-workings of a clock)- the way my mind works is that it works things through in my mind and breaks then down logically for a resolution- it's my fierce self-preservation that I love- it's what makes me able to get over things as quickly as I do or not take things in as life-altering or destructive that normally other people wouldn't be able to; 3. Take the time needed- whether it be wallowing or struggles to repress, usually just a day or two for me and then I feel dumb and move on; and last but not least, 4. Get over it- by just continuously moving forward and telling myself that I can. It's a strong mental thing that I do.
Whatever I do, I always move forward, it might take some work, but I know what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. (I know I know, I'm filled with overused cliches) Again, you can't be sad all the time. (Yet most people would prefer to just dwell, I'm not one of them- it actually sickens me to dwell. My opinion, when it comes down to it, what has happened already happened and there's nothing you can do about it but to just get over it and move on)
Again, you have to have something to believe in right? Or else what's the point of anything?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Start A New Day.. Whatever
After a while of the processing of terrible flashbacks I would rather have permanently erased from my memory. I'm feeling a little better. Or more so not so much in writhing pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in the dark place. (It's almost as if I prefer to be in the dark place huh?) But now I'm more so just numb now with jolts of chest pain that come everyone once in a while. But numb is good. That's how I prefer to be all the time. And on the plus side, I don't think I'm going to be making it a habit of picking up my trusty knife. So that is good. I'm not stupid. Though I do feel like I'm very much wired differently and maybe somewhat defective when juxtaposed against and amongst all the happy and content people in the world. I feel misplaced. Maybe that's why I can't stand being around people for too long of an attitude.
But either way. I know I am all alone and I really have no one. But it's okay. I'm not complaining. I just tell it like it is. And it is what it is.
Update**4:30p.m.
And thank god my emotional and mental stability, or should I say instability is a bit better right now for this moment. I look at my gash or think about it ever few minutes while feeling the lingering sting of it. A scar is beginning to form which marks the transition of its slow healing. And for some twisted reason, it makes me feel better. Not the healing of the wound, but just the understanding and self acknowledgment that I did it to myself that makes me feel better. Almost like a good prideful rising in my chest mixed with an exhaling relief. Strange sort of catharsis huh? It's textbook.
But I still want all the pieces of me I ever gave away, to you especially, back.
But either way. I know I am all alone and I really have no one. But it's okay. I'm not complaining. I just tell it like it is. And it is what it is.
Update**4:30p.m.
And thank god my emotional and mental stability, or should I say instability is a bit better right now for this moment. I look at my gash or think about it ever few minutes while feeling the lingering sting of it. A scar is beginning to form which marks the transition of its slow healing. And for some twisted reason, it makes me feel better. Not the healing of the wound, but just the understanding and self acknowledgment that I did it to myself that makes me feel better. Almost like a good prideful rising in my chest mixed with an exhaling relief. Strange sort of catharsis huh? It's textbook.
But I still want all the pieces of me I ever gave away, to you especially, back.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Back In The Dark Place- Major Relapse
I can feel myself getting all dark and twisty again. Beginning to retreat back into the dark place.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. 5am.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. 5am.
Fuck My Life
Alcohol brings out the worst in people.
It's a fucking 9 right now. I hurt so badly. I hate it. Tonight didn't pan out at all the way I had hoped. I'm crushed. And he's a fucking complete TOOL. I should be so over it.
I hate who he is. I hate what he's made out of me. I'm not that girl. This is fucking bullshit. It's all FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I'm sorry I ever met you.
Never again. I swear. UGH. I wish that something could take it all away. ALL THE PAIN. Fuck all this shit. Fuck the universe and its harsh and unfair imbalances. This is such bullshit.
And I want to cry so badly right now. I wish I could. If it were only physically possible.
It's a fucking 9 right now. I hurt so badly. I hate it. Tonight didn't pan out at all the way I had hoped. I'm crushed. And he's a fucking complete TOOL. I should be so over it.
I hate who he is. I hate what he's made out of me. I'm not that girl. This is fucking bullshit. It's all FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I'm sorry I ever met you.
Never again. I swear. UGH. I wish that something could take it all away. ALL THE PAIN. Fuck all this shit. Fuck the universe and its harsh and unfair imbalances. This is such bullshit.
And I want to cry so badly right now. I wish I could. If it were only physically possible.
Friday, September 18, 2009
A Change For The Better?
So last night or more so yesterday, I started to feel a little better. I went out at night to L.A. and had loads of fun. My mood at the present has been better. I know, thank god right? How much of this morbid shit could I take or more so could you, who may be following my entries, take? And tonight I am going to my very close friends' party. It should be a blast. Yesterday I just kept telling myself. I'm so over it. I'm done. We're done. I feel in me an end of something and a new start. It's a cathartic feeling. And I like it.
I just hope alcohol doesn't cloud my judgment too much tonight. I hope I don't end up hooking up with him, yet again. (I did so the day of my own birthday kickback. Great.. right? Sarcasm intended of coz)
I feel good right now. This is good. And I'm very excited for tonight. A night for great mingling and meeting fresh faces. (: And not to mention, I'm going to look fantastic. (Of course I always do, but in the presence of a ex-lover, I make it a point to always look especially good. It's sort of like a universal rule right?)
I just hope alcohol doesn't cloud my judgment too much tonight. I hope I don't end up hooking up with him, yet again. (I did so the day of my own birthday kickback. Great.. right? Sarcasm intended of coz)
I feel good right now. This is good. And I'm very excited for tonight. A night for great mingling and meeting fresh faces. (: And not to mention, I'm going to look fantastic. (Of course I always do, but in the presence of a ex-lover, I make it a point to always look especially good. It's sort of like a universal rule right?)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Bruises, Scars, And Fresh Wounds
I'm only 21 and it's it seems incredulous and almost incredible to me just how much I've been hurt. My mother told me at a very early age when the adolescent drama and competition with girls began, that my "heart was too good" and that it "wasn't good" because that meant that I would very "very prone to get hurt my entire life," boy was she right on the mark. My past history makes me think, were we really meant to become to messed up at such an early age? If it's a lesson to be learned, when is my lesson over? And shouldn't I have learned it by now? Or more so, if I haven't learned it now, then maybe I never will? Or when will I learn it?
Well Which one is it?
And believe me I've also taken to account and though about my "agony and pain" seeming like a huge joke or completely ridiculous and over dramatic because what does someone as young as I know right? I don't know. Age and development mentally is too debatable. So suck on that.
Sometimes I wish that there were some magical possibility that would make it able for all the pain I have ever felt and all the pain I carry with me on a daily basis to just disappear. I want a clean slate. I want what I can never have. I want it all to go away. People always say, well it's better to have your experience. But really? Is it really better to have a perpetual pain that sometimes radiates throughout my whole body in waves?
I hate to admit it, but I've had a lot of time to think. (Well I think a lot period)
And,
I want all it all back. The parts of me I involuntarily gave away. For the moments of love and bliss. All of them. Maybe if I got them back, I wouldn't feel such constant pang for every time I've ever been hurt. It all hurts and it's a fucking disdainful burden that not only I, but also we all have to carry around for the rest of our lives. If we're lucky some of it heals, if we're lucky. But the initial sting will always be there buried inside that black hole of our infinite heart beside the raw emotions (the ones we try to run far away from the years to come) we never want to relive again.
I don't live with regrets. At least I try not to. Which means the decisions I make are weighed beforehand every time (well almost every time, I try) I act on them. I'm on the fence if I wish I had never experienced what I have because of the severe emotional consequences that result.
They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I've been weighing that cliche for a while now after thinking back about every time the bottom's fallen out. And it really makes me reconsider everything. Is it really better? Better than the agony that seems to me or us will always be there?
Maybe it all still hurts me because I'm still young. I hope when I'm older, all these trials will have no effect on me.
I hate the piercing pain I feel in my, albeit if you will, heart (I know completely overused and cliche- but it's true and there's no other way to say it). It really feels like a knife that is being pushed further and further in without an exit. It just goes in deeper.
I love sleeping. In fact, I've been trying to sleep as much as I can, but sadly as late as I sleep, I haven't been able to sleep past 8 hrs. I know 8 hrs is the right amount, but I'm aiming for at least 10. I've become in love with my dreams. Not because I dream about a reality that doesn't exist (though that is a plus), but because it serves as a tremendous escape for me. (books and movies aren't having their usual effect of distraction lately) And I can't help but love it.
Sometimes I even think and try to dig within myself to try to figure out the root of my erratic downward spiraling emotions and I can't seem to pinpoint it. I mean I know the triggers, but the root of my depressing sentiments? I've no clue. Or maybe I do. I'm alone. Yeah, that must be it because it's true and it's what consumes me entirely every waking minute.
I sometimes make wishes. You know, the meaningless wishes with the clock strikes 11:11 or off of a blown away eyelash. I wish all the time to be continuously happy, or to find something to make me happy so that I won't have to feel a huge lonely void in me.
I'm scared that I'm too broken beyond repair. Unfixable. I've considered counseling or therapy, I really have, but right now I think, okay so what, you talk to try to understand a truth in you. Yeah, but does that really fix things? It just brings tragedy more into apparent view and how would you go about fixing it if you're already lacking to begin with?
I'm scared that I'll never really find anyone. That one person I wish for and dream for all the time. The one who will have the ability to calm me down the right way, and never have to lie to me or show cowardice. (I hate liars and cowards) The one who will have the understanding patience and not run when I get too complicated and difficultly crazy because I'm not lying, it'll definitely happen. Someone who will stick around for me.
I still believe in love. How can I not? I'm an idealist and a romanticist at that. I have to keep believing in something or else I'll lose myself completely.
I know everyone says that eventually your time will come and you'll find that one. Well what if it doesn't happen?
When I get a little too crazy into my head I always do keep myself in check and grounded, it's a terrible habit of mine to make things not into such a big deal though sometimes it's needed to be made into a big deal. I think self restrictions are sometimes more harmful than helpful. But my point is, part of what keeps me going is that I think, this happens to everyone. You hear about tragic heartbreak everywhere. If they can do it, then so can I right?
We should start a club where we can all meet each other and potentially find our other half in the process. Good idea right?
Well Which one is it?
And believe me I've also taken to account and though about my "agony and pain" seeming like a huge joke or completely ridiculous and over dramatic because what does someone as young as I know right? I don't know. Age and development mentally is too debatable. So suck on that.
Sometimes I wish that there were some magical possibility that would make it able for all the pain I have ever felt and all the pain I carry with me on a daily basis to just disappear. I want a clean slate. I want what I can never have. I want it all to go away. People always say, well it's better to have your experience. But really? Is it really better to have a perpetual pain that sometimes radiates throughout my whole body in waves?
I hate to admit it, but I've had a lot of time to think. (Well I think a lot period)
And,
I want all it all back. The parts of me I involuntarily gave away. For the moments of love and bliss. All of them. Maybe if I got them back, I wouldn't feel such constant pang for every time I've ever been hurt. It all hurts and it's a fucking disdainful burden that not only I, but also we all have to carry around for the rest of our lives. If we're lucky some of it heals, if we're lucky. But the initial sting will always be there buried inside that black hole of our infinite heart beside the raw emotions (the ones we try to run far away from the years to come) we never want to relive again.
I don't live with regrets. At least I try not to. Which means the decisions I make are weighed beforehand every time (well almost every time, I try) I act on them. I'm on the fence if I wish I had never experienced what I have because of the severe emotional consequences that result.
They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I've been weighing that cliche for a while now after thinking back about every time the bottom's fallen out. And it really makes me reconsider everything. Is it really better? Better than the agony that seems to me or us will always be there?
Maybe it all still hurts me because I'm still young. I hope when I'm older, all these trials will have no effect on me.
I hate the piercing pain I feel in my, albeit if you will, heart (I know completely overused and cliche- but it's true and there's no other way to say it). It really feels like a knife that is being pushed further and further in without an exit. It just goes in deeper.
I love sleeping. In fact, I've been trying to sleep as much as I can, but sadly as late as I sleep, I haven't been able to sleep past 8 hrs. I know 8 hrs is the right amount, but I'm aiming for at least 10. I've become in love with my dreams. Not because I dream about a reality that doesn't exist (though that is a plus), but because it serves as a tremendous escape for me. (books and movies aren't having their usual effect of distraction lately) And I can't help but love it.
Sometimes I even think and try to dig within myself to try to figure out the root of my erratic downward spiraling emotions and I can't seem to pinpoint it. I mean I know the triggers, but the root of my depressing sentiments? I've no clue. Or maybe I do. I'm alone. Yeah, that must be it because it's true and it's what consumes me entirely every waking minute.
I sometimes make wishes. You know, the meaningless wishes with the clock strikes 11:11 or off of a blown away eyelash. I wish all the time to be continuously happy, or to find something to make me happy so that I won't have to feel a huge lonely void in me.
I'm scared that I'm too broken beyond repair. Unfixable. I've considered counseling or therapy, I really have, but right now I think, okay so what, you talk to try to understand a truth in you. Yeah, but does that really fix things? It just brings tragedy more into apparent view and how would you go about fixing it if you're already lacking to begin with?
I'm scared that I'll never really find anyone. That one person I wish for and dream for all the time. The one who will have the ability to calm me down the right way, and never have to lie to me or show cowardice. (I hate liars and cowards) The one who will have the understanding patience and not run when I get too complicated and difficultly crazy because I'm not lying, it'll definitely happen. Someone who will stick around for me.
I still believe in love. How can I not? I'm an idealist and a romanticist at that. I have to keep believing in something or else I'll lose myself completely.
I know everyone says that eventually your time will come and you'll find that one. Well what if it doesn't happen?
When I get a little too crazy into my head I always do keep myself in check and grounded, it's a terrible habit of mine to make things not into such a big deal though sometimes it's needed to be made into a big deal. I think self restrictions are sometimes more harmful than helpful. But my point is, part of what keeps me going is that I think, this happens to everyone. You hear about tragic heartbreak everywhere. If they can do it, then so can I right?
We should start a club where we can all meet each other and potentially find our other half in the process. Good idea right?
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Rising Feeling In My Chest
At the moment. I feel like I am so over it. Last night I had a relapse. I hate how compulsively impulsive I am. I hate how as much as I physically push him away, I can't just say no- my mind isn't in my actions. My heart says one thing, my mind says another- I hate that overused cliche. What you want isn't what is necessarily good for you. I hate how unyielding he is and how he is the one physically acting on attachment. I hate how stubborn we both are. I hate how good it was before it wasn't. I hate how we're so good when we're together, yet so terrible when we're apart.
I hate how he makes me feel- so good when he touching me, but so terrible when he's not. I hate how perfect I feel and it feels when our bodies are completely intertwined with one another. I hate how much I love it when our hands and fingers are locked together. I hate how much I love his hands and how I love just looking at them. I hate how much I love how he smells and how I can't help but love when I smell him on me throughout the day after we've left. I hate how much I love his eyes. I hate how long I can look at him for. I hate how easy I fell for you. I hate how the word love pops into my head sometimes even when my fickle mind wavers between my heart's uncertain revelations.
I hate how you are so not good for me at all, but how I can't help but feel the way I do either way. I hate how I never even had a chance.
I hate how he's stronger than I am mentally. I hate how I'm there mentally and emotionally and he's just there physically. I hate how he doesn't like me the way I like him. I hate how it's all such a complicated trip that is all contradictory. I hate how I am really just another notch on his belt. I hate how I really don't like how he is, but how I can't help but be attached. I hate how I'm attached because of how I romanticize the situation and how I'm so much of an idealist. I hate how I want to be over it so badly and so completely, but I know I'm not.
I hate how broken I am.
I hate how alone I am.
The weird thing is that part of me really doesn't care. It's like I'm digging dip within me to see just how much I really do care, and parts of me that did are now not so much there anymore. It's like there is now an empty space where there once was feeling of my tied attachment. To me, this is a good thing.
But at the moment, I feel so sick of it all that I just want to start from a clean slate- to forget about it all and just move forward without having to deal with the past along with its discretions and sentiments. It's making me feel so sick how much I want it all to just be over and done with. I'm so sick of all this stupid shit. I'm so sick of everything. I can feel myself retreating back into myself again.
I hate how he makes me feel- so good when he touching me, but so terrible when he's not. I hate how perfect I feel and it feels when our bodies are completely intertwined with one another. I hate how much I love it when our hands and fingers are locked together. I hate how much I love his hands and how I love just looking at them. I hate how much I love how he smells and how I can't help but love when I smell him on me throughout the day after we've left. I hate how much I love his eyes. I hate how long I can look at him for. I hate how easy I fell for you. I hate how the word love pops into my head sometimes even when my fickle mind wavers between my heart's uncertain revelations.
I hate how you are so not good for me at all, but how I can't help but feel the way I do either way. I hate how I never even had a chance.
I hate how he's stronger than I am mentally. I hate how I'm there mentally and emotionally and he's just there physically. I hate how he doesn't like me the way I like him. I hate how it's all such a complicated trip that is all contradictory. I hate how I am really just another notch on his belt. I hate how I really don't like how he is, but how I can't help but be attached. I hate how I'm attached because of how I romanticize the situation and how I'm so much of an idealist. I hate how I want to be over it so badly and so completely, but I know I'm not.
I hate how broken I am.
I hate how alone I am.
The weird thing is that part of me really doesn't care. It's like I'm digging dip within me to see just how much I really do care, and parts of me that did are now not so much there anymore. It's like there is now an empty space where there once was feeling of my tied attachment. To me, this is a good thing.
But at the moment, I feel so sick of it all that I just want to start from a clean slate- to forget about it all and just move forward without having to deal with the past along with its discretions and sentiments. It's making me feel so sick how much I want it all to just be over and done with. I'm so sick of all this stupid shit. I'm so sick of everything. I can feel myself retreating back into myself again.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Dreaded Topic
I think I have avoided the topic discussion of my parentals and family life because I tend to sort of try to just avoid or run away from issues I would rather not feel at the time. And talking about issues of some detriment often make me relive the emotions I have felt or feel from the effects of the situations. Even now as I am trying to get the words out, I am fighting the urge to just not even talk about what I have avoided discussing for so long. Some of my family issues that have been revealed coincide with my post Getting Dirty With My Masochistic Tendencies in the first post of August.
(The majority of my posts are all interconnected and so some stuff won't make sense unless you've been reading from the beginning or read previous entries where I've somewhat given explanations. Sorry, my posts are very long too)
I don't know, there's just an intense sadness I get from thinking about my family. There are so many underlying issues that if it were anyone else looking in or being first subjected to them, it would be too overwhelming. But for someone who has learned to just live with the situations, basically it is what it is. (I say that so much sometimes it almost makes myself sick)
I wish that I had the perfect family. I see some of my friends and their families are the epitome of what family should be. You know, the warmness of parents still in love that just exuberate warmth from all the fibers of their core. My family is not like that. You see the problem with most Asian families is their passivity. It's almost like a conservative tradition. We just don't show our affection though we try to portray being the perfect family. I guess that's why so many Asian families have their skeletons and deep rooted issues. It's just not socially accepted to publicly show affection, even when alone affection is at its minimum. What a shame right? Affection is one of the loves of life. And even so my family is not the most traditional with singular factors of the partial warmth I felt from my mother when growing up. But aside from that, that's it.
So anyway, where do I even begin?
My parents are not in love anymore. My mother barely tolerates my father. My father has become very difficult. And all of it sinks into my heart and creates a great brokenness and pain that I fear is unfixable. (And that's another story)
I have all these deep rooted issues and I'm afraid that I have become so broken and affected that I can't be a normal person. I feel out of place all the time and can't relate to happy people that are constantly okay.
About 4 years ago my mother was going to file for divorce. (I know my story sounds so generic because the world is filled with these sob stories. But you can think whatever you want, the emotions felt are still real regardless of the situation) You'd think by this age you should be old enough to just be okay with it. You'd think that there's a difference from when it happens when a person is at an elementary age to when you're old enough to make your own decisions. But to be fucking honest, there is no difference. It still hits you just as hard whether you aren't able to understand the situation or if you're even say in your 30's the prime of your life or my age. Either way, you're still going to be just as affected by it even if you say you wouldn't be. You don't know, you haven't been through it yourself. The cliche really is true as corny and overused as it is, you really don't know or wouldn't be able to understand unless you had gone through it or experienced it yourself firsthand.
It's funny in a twisted way what happens when you grow up. The movies you've once seen as a kid now make too much rather inappropriate or clever sense and you notice signs that were always there to begin with but you never fully registered them until you finally did.
I should've known. I can only imagine what my brother could've felt at the time since he is a good 5 yrs older than I am and able to register is better because of his far more developed mentality of the world. All the signs were there when I was little. From the outrageous fights I didn't understand that ended in open tears or more yelling (remember, parents always try to hide things from their children) or a couple times my mother even leaving in the middle of the night with our bags packed. A "fun" night to be in a hotel with Disneyland to cover up her true sentiments that just become burdens as time progresses. Ridiculous fights where of father not letting my mother take a certain car and her leaving on foot with us for a distance that could take hours/days on foot because she didn't want him to drive us. It sounds completely nonsensical right? Well it does because it is. But the things that seem to make the least sense are often time covers and triggers stemmed from a problem greater than you could ever imagine.
My father wouldn't sign the papers. In fact refused. What do you do when you've woken up years later and realized that you're completely submerged in a less than happy situation. And in the end my mother just stopped trying because she came to the harsh realization of who would care for my father? Of course they still love eachother but they're not in love anymore. She's not in love and it's too late for her. My father is too stuck in his old ways. There comes a time where you can't be changed. My father would try and then just like what men do nowadays, resort back to the old ways once they think everything is okay because they feel like they don't need to try anymore.
What is with that anyway? How guys feel that they don't have to try once they've gotten their cake? (metaphorically speaking of course for you idiots) How do you expect things to not diminish with time if you don't keep striving for best potential?
My mother takes care of everything, my father is solely dependent on her and doesn't know how to do anything much that involves the U.S. without her. She handles all the finances aside from also doing housewife chores.
I hate how Asian customs, the woman always has to care after the man. Waiting on them hand and foot. I loathe it, and she does that. Not like a helpless non-opinionated brainwashed servant, but tradition has taught the wife to look after the husband. And my father is even more old traditional than she expecting her to just do stuff for him that he could do himself just because he's too lazy.
She even told my father, if he found someone who was able to take care of him and make him happy, then he should go for it. But in the end she tossed the papers aside because, who would take care of him at this age? I mean really care for him like she did and has.
I feel that I have to be the one to keep the family together. My family consisting of my mother, father, brother, and I. Not my extended family, but even so I know that burden rests on my mother's shoulders. I guess the apple really doesn't fall too far from the tree right?
My brother barely speaks to my parents because of the difficulties and mostly when he has to communicate with them he turns to me to ask them even though he is the oldest and thus making it apparent of me being the youngest. He's made it a point to become separate from my family and taken the whole "family is just a small factor of my life" to a whole other extreme.
He's not a horrible person, in fact he has actually helped me in my personal growth at times when I needed a crutch. But him helping me is more so his lessons on me becoming more independent and separate from my family as to not let my family issues affect my own personal life so much.
But one of my major flaws is that I have too much empathy. I let my emotions run who I am. I am too compassionate and too passionate about life. Books and movies make me cry, seeing old people or problems of others make me sad, sometimes incredibly sad. I can't help it, I just happens. And you can't help how you're going to reaction to certain things or feel the things your feel. It's against the cosmic fates to try to decipher why we react and do things the way we do.
So thus it brings me back a full circle to my parents. Love is big deal for me. I am an idealist as well as a romanticist. I still believe in the true world and the beauty in it. I can't help but having everlasting hope for the better even if all the factors and energy in the universe have tried seriously hard to break that from me.
I wish they were happy. I am the kind of person who finds a resolution to everything. There is always a solution or there always can be one. I process things in my mind and find a way to make it better. But when it comes to my parents. It's unsolvable. To make a long story short. It involves possible cheating, probable cheating on both sides.
I hate that my father tries to make himself out to be the victim and my mother the bad guy in front of everyone. He's even tried to get me and my brother on his side and at one point we fully believed him. The thing about my father, he exagerrates and makes things out to be far more detrimental than they really are. But I'm not saying he's a bad person although I do hate how he talks to her and about her sometimes when other people are around. It's almost like he's trying to compete with her and make himself seem better while putting her down. There are things that you don't have to say in certain ways because they just sound so bad. You don't have to say things like that. But I can understand why he does the things he does. It's over compensation and reactions that come out wrong as a result of his feelings of inferiority. He tries hard for our affection and when I say our I mean my brother and me, but more so me because I make it a point to still keep them in my life and stay around them at times because I know it keeps them happy and it's what a good daughter does, my brother could care less.
For as long as I can remember, well there hasn't been a time where I can remember, my father has been on business trips. From here to China stemming from 2-3 weeks at a time. 2-3 weeks here and 2-3 weeks there. What sacrifices are made for the hopeful life of the family and children's future that in the long run play a huge toll in the family's mental/physical/emotional dynamic. Broken families are made everyday through decisions that you hope will lead to attaining the "American Dream." People immigrate to American in hopes to succeed, but what everyone fails to universally understand is that the American Dream was made by and solely for Anglo-Americans. People that have never experienced the harsh effects from being in an immigrated family- whether they themselves immigrated here or parents immigrated- is that immigrants work different hours than white collar society. The typical work hours would be 8hrs 9-5, but people that are connected to the immigrant life in any way shape or form know that there are two different worlds. the 9-5 world and the other one where one is working for almost more than 12 hours a day just to try to get ahead. 10-12 hrs at least if you're lucky.
I barely have a relationship with my father and I just can't do it. As much as I wish we were a happy family and that I could have a relationship with him, I just can't do it. He's never really been around and I know it's not his fault. The gap is too big. He tries so hard and I'm fortunate but sometimes it's too much that I really hate myself for wanting for him to just leave me alone sometimes.
And what kills me is the look on his face. I can't take that look. That sad one that is his own acknowledgment of how bad things have gotten. Okay it isn't as if that's read all over his face or if I really know what he's thinking, this is only what my intuition and vibes tell me. It's what I get from my vibes. And I work off of vibes a lot with people. Sometimes my intuition is so on point I hate it. But it's just that look people get, the look of no resolution and that things have escalated beyond your control.
My mother has that look too and there are days where I know are not as great as others for her. It's a continuous issue that has no way to be repaired. (Trust me, I've sat down with my other and tried to hammer this thing out and I get frustrated with those with jaded lives that just don't understand and fight me unyieldingly to tell me that there is always a solution. BULLSHIT)
In a previous post last month I said that I live my life at an emotional pain factor of a 6.5 some days an 8 some days a little less if I'm lucky. What kills me is what my parents have to live with on a day to day basis. I still have time to make mend mistakes before I even make them. But this, this is their life. I have yet to begin mine.
But I still wish and hope for their eternal happiness, so much it hurts.
Through all this I know it has affected me as much as I try to be as detached as possible with everything. I have relationship problems and fall for the wrong guys. I hate to admit this but my greatest fear is to end up like my mother. Don't get me wrong, she's a spectacular person and I really admire her, but I'm talking about her love life. I couldn't be able to be stuck in a loveless and unhappy marriage. I want to be old and still madly in love with the one I'm supposed to be with. Love unconditionally. I don't know how I'd be able to live without. I'm also scared that I might never find the right person, though I am 21 so this is the point where people or myself would tell me to not overreact just yet. Just yet. I can worry when I'm 30.
I still believe in the true world, but at what cost? I haven't even begun to divulge other sentiments that gnaw away at my essence and very being. But this is enough (more than enough) for tonight.
(The majority of my posts are all interconnected and so some stuff won't make sense unless you've been reading from the beginning or read previous entries where I've somewhat given explanations. Sorry, my posts are very long too)
I don't know, there's just an intense sadness I get from thinking about my family. There are so many underlying issues that if it were anyone else looking in or being first subjected to them, it would be too overwhelming. But for someone who has learned to just live with the situations, basically it is what it is. (I say that so much sometimes it almost makes myself sick)
I wish that I had the perfect family. I see some of my friends and their families are the epitome of what family should be. You know, the warmness of parents still in love that just exuberate warmth from all the fibers of their core. My family is not like that. You see the problem with most Asian families is their passivity. It's almost like a conservative tradition. We just don't show our affection though we try to portray being the perfect family. I guess that's why so many Asian families have their skeletons and deep rooted issues. It's just not socially accepted to publicly show affection, even when alone affection is at its minimum. What a shame right? Affection is one of the loves of life. And even so my family is not the most traditional with singular factors of the partial warmth I felt from my mother when growing up. But aside from that, that's it.
So anyway, where do I even begin?
My parents are not in love anymore. My mother barely tolerates my father. My father has become very difficult. And all of it sinks into my heart and creates a great brokenness and pain that I fear is unfixable. (And that's another story)
I have all these deep rooted issues and I'm afraid that I have become so broken and affected that I can't be a normal person. I feel out of place all the time and can't relate to happy people that are constantly okay.
About 4 years ago my mother was going to file for divorce. (I know my story sounds so generic because the world is filled with these sob stories. But you can think whatever you want, the emotions felt are still real regardless of the situation) You'd think by this age you should be old enough to just be okay with it. You'd think that there's a difference from when it happens when a person is at an elementary age to when you're old enough to make your own decisions. But to be fucking honest, there is no difference. It still hits you just as hard whether you aren't able to understand the situation or if you're even say in your 30's the prime of your life or my age. Either way, you're still going to be just as affected by it even if you say you wouldn't be. You don't know, you haven't been through it yourself. The cliche really is true as corny and overused as it is, you really don't know or wouldn't be able to understand unless you had gone through it or experienced it yourself firsthand.
It's funny in a twisted way what happens when you grow up. The movies you've once seen as a kid now make too much rather inappropriate or clever sense and you notice signs that were always there to begin with but you never fully registered them until you finally did.
I should've known. I can only imagine what my brother could've felt at the time since he is a good 5 yrs older than I am and able to register is better because of his far more developed mentality of the world. All the signs were there when I was little. From the outrageous fights I didn't understand that ended in open tears or more yelling (remember, parents always try to hide things from their children) or a couple times my mother even leaving in the middle of the night with our bags packed. A "fun" night to be in a hotel with Disneyland to cover up her true sentiments that just become burdens as time progresses. Ridiculous fights where of father not letting my mother take a certain car and her leaving on foot with us for a distance that could take hours/days on foot because she didn't want him to drive us. It sounds completely nonsensical right? Well it does because it is. But the things that seem to make the least sense are often time covers and triggers stemmed from a problem greater than you could ever imagine.
My father wouldn't sign the papers. In fact refused. What do you do when you've woken up years later and realized that you're completely submerged in a less than happy situation. And in the end my mother just stopped trying because she came to the harsh realization of who would care for my father? Of course they still love eachother but they're not in love anymore. She's not in love and it's too late for her. My father is too stuck in his old ways. There comes a time where you can't be changed. My father would try and then just like what men do nowadays, resort back to the old ways once they think everything is okay because they feel like they don't need to try anymore.
What is with that anyway? How guys feel that they don't have to try once they've gotten their cake? (metaphorically speaking of course for you idiots) How do you expect things to not diminish with time if you don't keep striving for best potential?
My mother takes care of everything, my father is solely dependent on her and doesn't know how to do anything much that involves the U.S. without her. She handles all the finances aside from also doing housewife chores.
I hate how Asian customs, the woman always has to care after the man. Waiting on them hand and foot. I loathe it, and she does that. Not like a helpless non-opinionated brainwashed servant, but tradition has taught the wife to look after the husband. And my father is even more old traditional than she expecting her to just do stuff for him that he could do himself just because he's too lazy.
She even told my father, if he found someone who was able to take care of him and make him happy, then he should go for it. But in the end she tossed the papers aside because, who would take care of him at this age? I mean really care for him like she did and has.
I feel that I have to be the one to keep the family together. My family consisting of my mother, father, brother, and I. Not my extended family, but even so I know that burden rests on my mother's shoulders. I guess the apple really doesn't fall too far from the tree right?
My brother barely speaks to my parents because of the difficulties and mostly when he has to communicate with them he turns to me to ask them even though he is the oldest and thus making it apparent of me being the youngest. He's made it a point to become separate from my family and taken the whole "family is just a small factor of my life" to a whole other extreme.
He's not a horrible person, in fact he has actually helped me in my personal growth at times when I needed a crutch. But him helping me is more so his lessons on me becoming more independent and separate from my family as to not let my family issues affect my own personal life so much.
But one of my major flaws is that I have too much empathy. I let my emotions run who I am. I am too compassionate and too passionate about life. Books and movies make me cry, seeing old people or problems of others make me sad, sometimes incredibly sad. I can't help it, I just happens. And you can't help how you're going to reaction to certain things or feel the things your feel. It's against the cosmic fates to try to decipher why we react and do things the way we do.
So thus it brings me back a full circle to my parents. Love is big deal for me. I am an idealist as well as a romanticist. I still believe in the true world and the beauty in it. I can't help but having everlasting hope for the better even if all the factors and energy in the universe have tried seriously hard to break that from me.
I wish they were happy. I am the kind of person who finds a resolution to everything. There is always a solution or there always can be one. I process things in my mind and find a way to make it better. But when it comes to my parents. It's unsolvable. To make a long story short. It involves possible cheating, probable cheating on both sides.
I hate that my father tries to make himself out to be the victim and my mother the bad guy in front of everyone. He's even tried to get me and my brother on his side and at one point we fully believed him. The thing about my father, he exagerrates and makes things out to be far more detrimental than they really are. But I'm not saying he's a bad person although I do hate how he talks to her and about her sometimes when other people are around. It's almost like he's trying to compete with her and make himself seem better while putting her down. There are things that you don't have to say in certain ways because they just sound so bad. You don't have to say things like that. But I can understand why he does the things he does. It's over compensation and reactions that come out wrong as a result of his feelings of inferiority. He tries hard for our affection and when I say our I mean my brother and me, but more so me because I make it a point to still keep them in my life and stay around them at times because I know it keeps them happy and it's what a good daughter does, my brother could care less.
For as long as I can remember, well there hasn't been a time where I can remember, my father has been on business trips. From here to China stemming from 2-3 weeks at a time. 2-3 weeks here and 2-3 weeks there. What sacrifices are made for the hopeful life of the family and children's future that in the long run play a huge toll in the family's mental/physical/emotional dynamic. Broken families are made everyday through decisions that you hope will lead to attaining the "American Dream." People immigrate to American in hopes to succeed, but what everyone fails to universally understand is that the American Dream was made by and solely for Anglo-Americans. People that have never experienced the harsh effects from being in an immigrated family- whether they themselves immigrated here or parents immigrated- is that immigrants work different hours than white collar society. The typical work hours would be 8hrs 9-5, but people that are connected to the immigrant life in any way shape or form know that there are two different worlds. the 9-5 world and the other one where one is working for almost more than 12 hours a day just to try to get ahead. 10-12 hrs at least if you're lucky.
I barely have a relationship with my father and I just can't do it. As much as I wish we were a happy family and that I could have a relationship with him, I just can't do it. He's never really been around and I know it's not his fault. The gap is too big. He tries so hard and I'm fortunate but sometimes it's too much that I really hate myself for wanting for him to just leave me alone sometimes.
And what kills me is the look on his face. I can't take that look. That sad one that is his own acknowledgment of how bad things have gotten. Okay it isn't as if that's read all over his face or if I really know what he's thinking, this is only what my intuition and vibes tell me. It's what I get from my vibes. And I work off of vibes a lot with people. Sometimes my intuition is so on point I hate it. But it's just that look people get, the look of no resolution and that things have escalated beyond your control.
My mother has that look too and there are days where I know are not as great as others for her. It's a continuous issue that has no way to be repaired. (Trust me, I've sat down with my other and tried to hammer this thing out and I get frustrated with those with jaded lives that just don't understand and fight me unyieldingly to tell me that there is always a solution. BULLSHIT)
In a previous post last month I said that I live my life at an emotional pain factor of a 6.5 some days an 8 some days a little less if I'm lucky. What kills me is what my parents have to live with on a day to day basis. I still have time to make mend mistakes before I even make them. But this, this is their life. I have yet to begin mine.
But I still wish and hope for their eternal happiness, so much it hurts.
Through all this I know it has affected me as much as I try to be as detached as possible with everything. I have relationship problems and fall for the wrong guys. I hate to admit this but my greatest fear is to end up like my mother. Don't get me wrong, she's a spectacular person and I really admire her, but I'm talking about her love life. I couldn't be able to be stuck in a loveless and unhappy marriage. I want to be old and still madly in love with the one I'm supposed to be with. Love unconditionally. I don't know how I'd be able to live without. I'm also scared that I might never find the right person, though I am 21 so this is the point where people or myself would tell me to not overreact just yet. Just yet. I can worry when I'm 30.
I still believe in the true world, but at what cost? I haven't even begun to divulge other sentiments that gnaw away at my essence and very being. But this is enough (more than enough) for tonight.
1:52a.m. Tragic Bullshit
My heart hurts. Still. How tragic right? And so fucking stupid right? I do immensely hate this shit. And it isn't like I try to keep it continuous. How one can be some hung up over a single person. But then again advice is only words of reassurance that you are already completely aware of just reiterated back to you.
The only thing keeping me sane is music. Thank god for that.
The only thing keeping me sane is music. Thank god for that.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Post-Birthday Aftermath
Through all the excitement and anticipation as well as patiently waiting for the date of my birthday to near, now that it has passed, I have to say, I'm a bit relieved.
Relieved to not have to plan or worry if my plans will be successful or if the bottom will fall out. (Since the day of birth is the only important thing to me rather than the extraneous plans during the rest of the week) Now all I have to think about it saturday. But even so, since I don't really care about saturday, I'm quite calm and comfortingly filled with nonchalance.
So my birthday was a great full fledged 24hrs filled with too many laughs, sun, and severely embarrassing yet hilarious laughs. And today my big bunch of clothes and new purse I ordered online came in the mail. What more could I ask for for perfection or bliss right? The passing of my 21st is quite a good one to be serious and this saturday will be the commencement party/kickback. It should be interesting. I really don't feel like having the kickback because I really don't care for it, the party is more of a formality that is supposed to happen. I'm also having it because I am told that if I don't have a big thing with everyone then I will regret it, so thus to prevent any remorse, the plans for saturday have been made in advance. I'm more so indifferent at the moment, but I know when saturday comes around my enthusiasm will increase and it will be great to see some great friends I haven't seen in a while.
Okay, so the real aftermath of my birthday. I was supposed to start work today to help out my family at the office, but as my alarm rang in the morning, I just couldn't. My entire body is sore and swollen and I feel like I really need to recover. Too much of a good thing is never good right? Too much of anything isn't good, yet we all love to indulge and be glutenous for we can't help our impulses and as for me, I am the very impulsive of the compulsive impulsives. Just lovely.
So my friend's bbq eventually turned into a drinking charade to celebrate my 21st and it was loads of fun. I'm not kidding when I say I really did experience almost the complete 24hrs minus 3 hrs for sleep.
And today I had dinner with the parents. I had told my brother in advance, but his priorities, mentality and ethos are very much different than mine. And thus when I texted him today he said that he had plans, though he did come home in the middle of our dinner so he did join us for a bit to eat his fill then quickly left for his room. (I know my current writings are are filled with run-on sentences, but at this point I really don't care because I write the way I speak and think. And I'm really not in the mood for grammatical acuteness)
I told my parentals a week in advance that I wanted to have dinner with them. (This is more so for them because of the big burden I feel that rests on my shoulders- the burden and family issues I have not yet divulged through blog yet, but in due time all things must run their course) I planned to make them sushi, but my parents work and don't come home til much later and my mother did not want to have dinner so late, so instead she brought home so basic sushi and we had a variety of food. Still a very good dinner.
Ugh even as I am typing right now, my entire body is swollen. I hate feeling bloated and puffy.
So my mood is meh right now with bursts of feel good from the music that seems to always heal me if only for but a second. I know this post is a bit mediocre, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to lay on my bed and veg out.
Tomorrow will be better. Start a new day I always say.
Relieved to not have to plan or worry if my plans will be successful or if the bottom will fall out. (Since the day of birth is the only important thing to me rather than the extraneous plans during the rest of the week) Now all I have to think about it saturday. But even so, since I don't really care about saturday, I'm quite calm and comfortingly filled with nonchalance.
So my birthday was a great full fledged 24hrs filled with too many laughs, sun, and severely embarrassing yet hilarious laughs. And today my big bunch of clothes and new purse I ordered online came in the mail. What more could I ask for for perfection or bliss right? The passing of my 21st is quite a good one to be serious and this saturday will be the commencement party/kickback. It should be interesting. I really don't feel like having the kickback because I really don't care for it, the party is more of a formality that is supposed to happen. I'm also having it because I am told that if I don't have a big thing with everyone then I will regret it, so thus to prevent any remorse, the plans for saturday have been made in advance. I'm more so indifferent at the moment, but I know when saturday comes around my enthusiasm will increase and it will be great to see some great friends I haven't seen in a while.
Okay, so the real aftermath of my birthday. I was supposed to start work today to help out my family at the office, but as my alarm rang in the morning, I just couldn't. My entire body is sore and swollen and I feel like I really need to recover. Too much of a good thing is never good right? Too much of anything isn't good, yet we all love to indulge and be glutenous for we can't help our impulses and as for me, I am the very impulsive of the compulsive impulsives. Just lovely.
So my friend's bbq eventually turned into a drinking charade to celebrate my 21st and it was loads of fun. I'm not kidding when I say I really did experience almost the complete 24hrs minus 3 hrs for sleep.
And today I had dinner with the parents. I had told my brother in advance, but his priorities, mentality and ethos are very much different than mine. And thus when I texted him today he said that he had plans, though he did come home in the middle of our dinner so he did join us for a bit to eat his fill then quickly left for his room. (I know my current writings are are filled with run-on sentences, but at this point I really don't care because I write the way I speak and think. And I'm really not in the mood for grammatical acuteness)
I told my parentals a week in advance that I wanted to have dinner with them. (This is more so for them because of the big burden I feel that rests on my shoulders- the burden and family issues I have not yet divulged through blog yet, but in due time all things must run their course) I planned to make them sushi, but my parents work and don't come home til much later and my mother did not want to have dinner so late, so instead she brought home so basic sushi and we had a variety of food. Still a very good dinner.
Ugh even as I am typing right now, my entire body is swollen. I hate feeling bloated and puffy.
So my mood is meh right now with bursts of feel good from the music that seems to always heal me if only for but a second. I know this post is a bit mediocre, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to lay on my bed and veg out.
Tomorrow will be better. Start a new day I always say.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Holy Cow (Phonetically Speaking In My Own Lingo To Be- "Whorry Chow" Haha!)
It will be my 21st birthday in T minus 4hrs and 3 minutes! (I know I'm so young. Hah thank you thank you)
So let me tell you, I'm quite indifferent about the passing of my youth this year. My enthusiasm is at an all time low. Meh. The only thing I am glad or more so relieved about is being able to finally buy myself alcoholic beverages. SWEET.
On another note, I'm about to go to a going away bbq for my very dear friend. Fun stuff. And tomorrow Disneyland! I know how corny right? But I haven't gone in approximately 5 years. So suck on that!
I am waiting for my friend to get to my house so we can go to the bbq together, but she got lost. Meh. So here I am waiting.
Oh! So today I went to the dermatologist to get my face deep cleaned. Boy let me tell you. It fucking hurts like HAAILLL. foreals. And my skin is the super super sensitive fair skinned type so any aberation and there will be redness and slight swelling. Oy. So my face is all blemished and blahh. I am pretty vain and it sucks because I'm going out tonight. But oh well, hopefully it will be dark, I mean it's not too bad, but not up to par with my standards for one who is pretty vain, BUT still not so high maintenance. Haha. So that must count for something right?
Will update later with details.
So let me tell you, I'm quite indifferent about the passing of my youth this year. My enthusiasm is at an all time low. Meh. The only thing I am glad or more so relieved about is being able to finally buy myself alcoholic beverages. SWEET.
On another note, I'm about to go to a going away bbq for my very dear friend. Fun stuff. And tomorrow Disneyland! I know how corny right? But I haven't gone in approximately 5 years. So suck on that!
I am waiting for my friend to get to my house so we can go to the bbq together, but she got lost. Meh. So here I am waiting.
Oh! So today I went to the dermatologist to get my face deep cleaned. Boy let me tell you. It fucking hurts like HAAILLL. foreals. And my skin is the super super sensitive fair skinned type so any aberation and there will be redness and slight swelling. Oy. So my face is all blemished and blahh. I am pretty vain and it sucks because I'm going out tonight. But oh well, hopefully it will be dark, I mean it's not too bad, but not up to par with my standards for one who is pretty vain, BUT still not so high maintenance. Haha. So that must count for something right?
Will update later with details.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Sometimes..
Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my mind and so fully consumed and overwhelmed with frustration for everything and anything. And I don't even know why and I want to cry, but as I've said before, I'm wired differently and I'm not able to when I really want to. I mean I can tear up if I watch a really good sad movie/drama, but that's pretty much it. When it comes to my own personal life and emotions, nothing. What a bummer right? Because sometimes all you need is a good cry to empty and wash away everything so that you can start a new. Or more so something that can fully exhaust you completely and drain your energy so that you can sleep better at night. I have such a hard time sleeping at night even when I am really tired. Yeah, life is filled with shitty intertwined contradictions. Surprise surprise. (Sarcastic tone intended for you idiots out there) I'm sorry, I get mean when I'm grouchy or in a bad mood. It happens mostly if I'm hungover or around people for too long of a time who's company I'm indifferent to. I rarely care about things.
I hate myself for never being able to not be the bigger person. It's like this innate unstoppable instinct in me that just happens. I can't fucking control it (though how much I wish I could) and I just end up getting shitted on regardless if it's abiding with the laws of karma, which I do fully believe in but even so I question a lot of things since the universe is completely and utterly twisted for reasons that cannot be explained only to ask the question of "Were we really meant to become this fucked up internally so badly at such an early age?"
Yeah.. I tend to ramble on with my thoughts very quickly and they can pretty much sometimes be never ending so virtually they come out as run-on sentences. But hey, how's that for some free association?
Oh, and why is it that people can never just be grateful? For example, I have a free ticket to Disneyland, but I have to go there at 9am because of circumstances. Yet, when people hear they have to wake up, they'd rather not go, even if they really want to go and if the ticket weren't free, it would be really expensive. Why can't people just be grateful? Why are people so fucking picky and selfish and self-absorbed and well ungrateful?
Or, they won't even go if it's for a special occasion like my birthday? I know right.. some kind of friends I have. Or rather, people I associate myself with. (By the way, it's because the small handful of people that really care are busy on that day, so bummer for me.)
***Side Note
So I've been on the phone with my friend and for some reason talking to her always makes me feel better. I feel better. :D
How trippy is it how sporadic my emotions are. How wack. I know, I hate them too.
I hate myself for never being able to not be the bigger person. It's like this innate unstoppable instinct in me that just happens. I can't fucking control it (though how much I wish I could) and I just end up getting shitted on regardless if it's abiding with the laws of karma, which I do fully believe in but even so I question a lot of things since the universe is completely and utterly twisted for reasons that cannot be explained only to ask the question of "Were we really meant to become this fucked up internally so badly at such an early age?"
Yeah.. I tend to ramble on with my thoughts very quickly and they can pretty much sometimes be never ending so virtually they come out as run-on sentences. But hey, how's that for some free association?
Oh, and why is it that people can never just be grateful? For example, I have a free ticket to Disneyland, but I have to go there at 9am because of circumstances. Yet, when people hear they have to wake up, they'd rather not go, even if they really want to go and if the ticket weren't free, it would be really expensive. Why can't people just be grateful? Why are people so fucking picky and selfish and self-absorbed and well ungrateful?
Or, they won't even go if it's for a special occasion like my birthday? I know right.. some kind of friends I have. Or rather, people I associate myself with. (By the way, it's because the small handful of people that really care are busy on that day, so bummer for me.)
***Side Note
So I've been on the phone with my friend and for some reason talking to her always makes me feel better. I feel better. :D
How trippy is it how sporadic my emotions are. How wack. I know, I hate them too.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Once You Make Up Your Mind, It's Easy
Yeah. So I've decided that I'm over it. So over it.
And I'm going to ride it out as long as I can let myself.
I went shopping today again! You know you have a shopping problem when you wake up really early in the morning, when you never do that, just to go shopping. Haha.
Man this is turning out to be a great birthday! I love shopping. And today later on I'm heading down to Irvine again for some poolside bbq fun. Gyeahhh.
***Okay, So I'm kind of in the mood to talk about my thoughts.
So I started rreading Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger and let me tell you, Holden Caufield is NUTS. He sort of reminds me of Jack Kerouac in a way that the thoughts are completely sporadic. I dunno, my mind makes weird relations. In anyway, Holden Caufield drives me crazy, just like Jack Kerouac in On The Road did with it's seriously superfluous random thoughts that digress off of eachother and then tie back to one thing. Seriously something you have to read over and over to fully understand. But then again for a person who underlines and writes in margins, I don't mind it so much. I like to be able to really understand what I'm reading so that I can make a better connection with it.
So what I've really been wanting to talk about was the book Paint It Black by Janet Fitch. I recently finished it and yes the book is horribly morbid and filled with thematics of death/suicide/despair, but again, those are the best kind of material right? So, if you haven't ever heard of it or read it, you should definitely do so. The book is so beautifully written with the fluid and scintillating imagery, but there's a quirk to it. Once you think something is beautiful, Fitch makes a point to smash that state of mind with a very profanic and blunt relation that is sometimes utterly disdainful and grotesque. But somehow it works. I loved it. At some point, the book got a little too eerie, but it's those books that really get to you. There are so many beautifully written phrases but I think the reason for the juxtapositioning of the very opposite of beautiful phrases is for Fitch's purpose to get the reader to understand the character better about the "true world." Really, the book is great. I've read her other book White Oleander and it's terribly great, but I have more of a connection with Paint It Black. (Again, narcissistic attractiveness yes?)
And I'm going to ride it out as long as I can let myself.
I went shopping today again! You know you have a shopping problem when you wake up really early in the morning, when you never do that, just to go shopping. Haha.
Man this is turning out to be a great birthday! I love shopping. And today later on I'm heading down to Irvine again for some poolside bbq fun. Gyeahhh.
***Okay, So I'm kind of in the mood to talk about my thoughts.
So I started rreading Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger and let me tell you, Holden Caufield is NUTS. He sort of reminds me of Jack Kerouac in a way that the thoughts are completely sporadic. I dunno, my mind makes weird relations. In anyway, Holden Caufield drives me crazy, just like Jack Kerouac in On The Road did with it's seriously superfluous random thoughts that digress off of eachother and then tie back to one thing. Seriously something you have to read over and over to fully understand. But then again for a person who underlines and writes in margins, I don't mind it so much. I like to be able to really understand what I'm reading so that I can make a better connection with it.
So what I've really been wanting to talk about was the book Paint It Black by Janet Fitch. I recently finished it and yes the book is horribly morbid and filled with thematics of death/suicide/despair, but again, those are the best kind of material right? So, if you haven't ever heard of it or read it, you should definitely do so. The book is so beautifully written with the fluid and scintillating imagery, but there's a quirk to it. Once you think something is beautiful, Fitch makes a point to smash that state of mind with a very profanic and blunt relation that is sometimes utterly disdainful and grotesque. But somehow it works. I loved it. At some point, the book got a little too eerie, but it's those books that really get to you. There are so many beautifully written phrases but I think the reason for the juxtapositioning of the very opposite of beautiful phrases is for Fitch's purpose to get the reader to understand the character better about the "true world." Really, the book is great. I've read her other book White Oleander and it's terribly great, but I have more of a connection with Paint It Black. (Again, narcissistic attractiveness yes?)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Shopping=Mental Healing
I always say.
Every time I am feeling shitty, I'll either go out and blow a whole bunch of cash for clothes. I call it my own mental healing. It's great.
Or..
I'll also go to Barnes and Nobles. I haven't gone in a while, but only because I'm worried to buy more books. Every time I am feeling lousy, I spend an hour or so in the bookstore. I just love it. But the downfall is that I always come out with 5+ books. Haha.
It's weird how consumerism makes you feel brand new and just better. Way to go government ideological brainwashing!
I plan on shopping a little bit more tomorrow!
Every time I am feeling shitty, I'll either go out and blow a whole bunch of cash for clothes. I call it my own mental healing. It's great.
Or..
I'll also go to Barnes and Nobles. I haven't gone in a while, but only because I'm worried to buy more books. Every time I am feeling lousy, I spend an hour or so in the bookstore. I just love it. But the downfall is that I always come out with 5+ books. Haha.
It's weird how consumerism makes you feel brand new and just better. Way to go government ideological brainwashing!
I plan on shopping a little bit more tomorrow!
"Because It Feels So Good When I Stop"
So I'm am religiously addicted to the television series Grey's Anatomy. Don't judge me. I can't help it, I love the drama and the hurt and the comedy all wrapped up into one. I love it. And the monologues among other text is damn good writing. (Me being an English major and my affair with the English language, I care more about the words and text itself. Many who aren't studied in a literary field wouldn't understand- my friends certainly don't.) And again as I always say, we're attracted to things because they reflect a narcissist quality about ourselves.
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop"
^My masochistic tendencies.
"That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."
^But this is my favorite although I can't impose it fully on me at the moment because I'm sucking at life at odd times.
*Honestly I thought of this quote when I woke up today. It seems like I've reverted back to my old way of just always wanting to be asleep to pass the time away because for me, I'd rather be asleep right now. It is better than being awake and having to bring into reality the extreme suckage at stake. Although I do have dreams that mess with my psyche, I'd still rather be asleep because it serves as an outlet for me to escape my own mediocre reality. That's also why I read so much and watch tv/movies. It's an escape. Most people can't understand how I can read for hours at a time, but that's just that, they don't understand or have ever needed to escape the sting the world invokes all over me.
"I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say "Say when". My aunt would say "Say when" and of course, we never did. We don't say when because there's something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better."
^My alcoholic preferences.
"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything. "
^So true, my second favorite.
"We all remember the bed time stories of our childhoods. The shoes fits- cinderella, the frog turns into the prince, sleeping beauty is awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairytales, the stuff of dreams. The problem is fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights that end in the unspeakable. It's the nitemares that always seem to become reality. The person that invented the phrase "happily ever after" should have his ass kicked.. so hard."
^Enough said.
Yep.
Damn I'm hurting right now.. fuck.
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop"
^My masochistic tendencies.
"That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."
^But this is my favorite although I can't impose it fully on me at the moment because I'm sucking at life at odd times.
*Honestly I thought of this quote when I woke up today. It seems like I've reverted back to my old way of just always wanting to be asleep to pass the time away because for me, I'd rather be asleep right now. It is better than being awake and having to bring into reality the extreme suckage at stake. Although I do have dreams that mess with my psyche, I'd still rather be asleep because it serves as an outlet for me to escape my own mediocre reality. That's also why I read so much and watch tv/movies. It's an escape. Most people can't understand how I can read for hours at a time, but that's just that, they don't understand or have ever needed to escape the sting the world invokes all over me.
"I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say "Say when". My aunt would say "Say when" and of course, we never did. We don't say when because there's something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better."
^My alcoholic preferences.
"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything. "
^So true, my second favorite.
"We all remember the bed time stories of our childhoods. The shoes fits- cinderella, the frog turns into the prince, sleeping beauty is awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairytales, the stuff of dreams. The problem is fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights that end in the unspeakable. It's the nitemares that always seem to become reality. The person that invented the phrase "happily ever after" should have his ass kicked.. so hard."
^Enough said.
Yep.
Damn I'm hurting right now.. fuck.
Ouch
So yeah, apparently it still hurts. More so at certain times than other times. Supersucks. I hate it. One little thing and it'll ache. How dumb right?
I think about (though I try not to when I start, I try to push it out of my mind) when I see you again, how it'll be and how if or when you begin to want me again because I'm sure it'll happen inevitably given the circumstances, how I'll either give in and then purposely try to use you then discard you shamelessly, or just completely reject you no matter how hard I want to do the very opposite. I also fantasize about me meeting someone new right in front of you and what your reaction would be. Why is it that we can never help but hope -against all logic for something better? It's because we have to, or else what else keeps us from continuing to live our lives with purpose?
You don't fall out of love until you fall back into love. I need to find a new distraction..
Side note*
There are topics up for discussion that I would like to circumvent, but as I have stated, I haven't been up for much at the moment to be able to muster up the motivation to actually hash over the workings in my brain. So for now my thoughts are put on hold.
I think about (though I try not to when I start, I try to push it out of my mind) when I see you again, how it'll be and how if or when you begin to want me again because I'm sure it'll happen inevitably given the circumstances, how I'll either give in and then purposely try to use you then discard you shamelessly, or just completely reject you no matter how hard I want to do the very opposite. I also fantasize about me meeting someone new right in front of you and what your reaction would be. Why is it that we can never help but hope -against all logic for something better? It's because we have to, or else what else keeps us from continuing to live our lives with purpose?
You don't fall out of love until you fall back into love. I need to find a new distraction..
Side note*
There are topics up for discussion that I would like to circumvent, but as I have stated, I haven't been up for much at the moment to be able to muster up the motivation to actually hash over the workings in my brain. So for now my thoughts are put on hold.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wow. There Are Some Things That Just Take My Breath Away
So I've just stumbled across this awesome artistic comic-like photography experiment.
So in a nut shell. I love these ones. (We are always attracted to the things we happen to love because of the narcissistic qualities they exemplify. Yes? Yes.)
^Check out the website. To me the things written tied with the beautiful photography in comic style are just lovely. (Well mostly pretty morbid, but those are the best kind right?)
So in a nut shell. I love these ones. (We are always attracted to the things we happen to love because of the narcissistic qualities they exemplify. Yes? Yes.)
^Check out the website. To me the things written tied with the beautiful photography in comic style are just lovely. (Well mostly pretty morbid, but those are the best kind right?)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
