Fracking Shit

This is pissing me off.

Twice I have tried to write about certain important topics today. And yet, I can't seem to hit a block. So I haven't published the entries yet. They're incomplete.

I can't seem to explain and say exactly whatever it is that I want to express. Like I'm stumbling over my fucking words. Nothing is coming out smoothly. I feel slow and disabled, and distracted. Like I can't focus.

And I don't know why. I mean, these are important topics and I can't seem to get anything out correctly and the right way.

Do you think it's my brain's self-preservation preventing me from fully expressing what I need to expel? I feel as if part of me isn't ready yet to throw myself, submerge myself, to figure it all out completely, into those dark emotions.

Like, I want to, but I can't seem to. I feel like my brain is hitting a massive block of disconnect as I am trying to work it out. Nothing is coming out right. It's like I can't seem to work it out smoothly even as I can see everything written out before me. Which always seems to help me structure things easier. And yet as I type these words, they come out easier. Easier than these fucking ridiculous topics of deep rooted skeletal issues. It's like something is shooting an electric signal throughout my head to just be impaired in that department.

I'm trying to figure shit out and it's like my brain doesn't have the ability, the IQ points to quite literally work it through and out. Either that or my self-preservation is a little too strongly enforced that my conscious self can't even bypass it. It's like my brain is trying to expand and evolve, but it isn't success isn't being executed very well. So it feels like an already stretched out rubber band just slowly stretching and then not and then back again and then not again.

So now I have these two entries that I would really like to publish, but I can't because they're all wrong and screwed up. I can't even find descriptions to explain how displaced and unstructured these entries are. I have entries I've written of which I haven't published before, but those are complete and well edited. But these, it's like I was going somewhere, then I lose myself, and it's just all fragmented. So I just gave up. I can't seem to piece it all together yet and it's pissing me off. I don't know whether to laugh at my frustrations or what. Bleh.

Fucking c'est la vie. I'm going to go lose myself in a book instead.