I

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what else to do. I can't cry because I'm all dried up, yet again. It's like my eyes are dry again. Not being able to cry is worse. I need, something. I just don't know what. I feel so dead and hurt inside. My internals are all screwed up. I just want to cut and cut, but I can't do that because everyone notices now. I just want to scrap up my insides raw. At least there are still some spots I can cover. I just can't keep on breathing anymore. I feel so defective. So stupid. So useless. I've become such a terrible person. I hate myself. I ruin everything. I don't know anything anymore. I feel so trapped. So trapped within my own mind and body. If my eyes are dried up, at least something else can still run fluidly. I just want to bleed.

House

the vocals. <3

Tumble, Tumblr

So I've been on my tumblr a lot more than blogger lately. (Yet, I'm more new to tumblr than blogger, I'm still a huge noob on tumblr) I know, I know, such sacrilege in the writer's formalist perspective. But to be honest, I haven't really had much to say about anything lately. I've just been empty. And I process things better when I can see them in my mind. I take in things with imagery, part of writing is all about somewhat painting a mental picture. And sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words when you have no motivation to speak yourself. At this point, I've become so open with myself and my issues that I have nothing to hide anymore- almost to the point of losing my anonymity. So here it is.

http://andillseeyouthere.tumblr.com/

And if you're really bored, go check it out. It's an array of eclectic things and it's what my insides, my heart, looks like.

Highlights

1. Still cannot run on my foot ‘cause of my gimp toe. So the only cardio I can do is bicycling. Not as active enough, but I can’t NOT go to the gym for at least a couple times a week or else I’ll go crazy. But at least I can still do light strength training/weights since that part of my work out is more stationary. I’m addicted to the natural endorphin increase, I need it.

2. Chopped off all of my hair again and it’s so short. But I LOVE it. I love challenging myself and testing the limits with physical outward surface appearance, no fear. <3 I’m a friggen chameleon, yo.

3. Found a tiny new freckle on the bottom of my right foot arch. So that was a cute lovely moment. (:

4. I still suck at life. The end. But you can either cry or laugh about it and everything, and I’d rather laugh, it’s way easier for me.

(8 Cheers lovers.

"Everything is true. Nothing is permitted."

"You just told me I ain't shit, I guess I'm proving it right now."

I swear this shit is as fun as it looks.

Sharpening

I just sharpened. Found a place where no one will see or ever know.


Sidenote** 9:10pp.m.
Damn, I should've sharpened way before this. It's so much more fun. Now I know why razors are more preferred. More funzies.

Get Off It

Okay, when I think about the short couple months we've actually hung out and gotten to know one another- the pseudo-sparkle period, hurt and pain are turning into anger. Which is a good thing. It's easier to hate someone and be angry than realize how naive you were. I trust too easily and I need to learn to be less naive. It's easier to stay angry at someone because the fury helps numb the part where you're hurting and missing. I just want to knock some sense into you, shake the shit out of you. I'm angry at myself for letting it happen to me, over and over again. But I'm not sorry that I live my life and take risks. You can't gain great rewards unless you're willing to actively take big risks. I'm not sorry that I'm the opposite of boring. I'm not sorry that I instinctively and innately never play it safe. It's utterly unfathomable how another human being can turn out somebody else's light, killing it, diminishing it slowly, until there's nothing left but a small glimmer of what was. But the fury will soon turn into a numbing loathsome nonchalance, which is the best part. And that's what I'm waiting for because when you're no longer irate or emotional, that's when you no longer really care.

I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin.

Fuck Off

Don’t fucking talk to me anymore. Realize you're the fucked up and shady one, you're not the damn victim. I’m done and so over with this shit, with your shit. My friends were right to tell me that you don't deserve my kindness nor generosity.

It's just skin.

Monsters

I think I really need to start working on improving my karma. T=
I've turned in to a horrible person.

Slow It Down, Don't

Still Got It

"I'mma need a moment, 'cause moments last forever."

Real Talk

Truth is, I don't know if I feel anything anymore. But I'd rather feel nothing than something. Right now, I don't know about anything anymore. I just know that I'm running, from any familiar associated feelings. I don't want them.

Pun Intended Haaah (:

I don't know why I've never, never, used a razor instead of a knife before. It's never occurred to me to use something easier like a razor. I've always just picked up a knife. And I'm just realizing that my scars might've been less ugly had I used a thin razor blade instead. Hm.

But Sometimes,

“Please don’t say we’re done
When I’m not finished
I could give you so much
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It’s been a while
And you’ve found someone better
But I’ve been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You’d give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren’t near
Near enough for me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I’m sure, I’m sure
You’ve heard if before”

I, The Beat

Need some feel good in my life right now.

Come On, Girl

Start internal healing already. Come on, heal up.

It's not working though, the blood isn't enough this time. I don't know what to do. My heart, everything still hurts. I wish I could just bawl. But it's like I'm defective. God look at me, how fucked up I am. Of course I'm alone. How could anyone really love something as bat shit crazy as me? Who can deal with this shit, who wants to. Nobody. I'm such a screw up.

Twentytwelve Resolutions

I just broke every single one. My eyes are dry again, I don't understand why I can never cry when I really want to. If I could just cry it would make it better, but nothing's coming out no matter what, so here's to the next best thing.

Father Of [Not] Mine

Its obvious and apparent that you think shit of me and that I'm a screw up who won't amount to anything. I meant what I said, you and I, our pseudo-relationship is so fucking done. In case you haven't noticed, you're not supposed to purposely hurt the ones you swear you love. Congratulations for succeeding the title of no good bastard father of my life. Well done you.

Why does everything always hurt?

I'm completely sober and rational. I had one small shot at 11pm and nothing else for the rest of the night. These thoughts are calm conclusions. I'm falling apart. I feel like I could just blow away.

I don't want to love anymore.

Sparkles Extinguished

You fucking hurt me! You broke my heart. I trusted you wholeheartedly and you made me believe I could. I even told you about what happened the last time I trusted someone completely and how it nearly ruined me. And it ended up happening again with you anyway. In a mere matter of a couple of months. Weeks even. I'm hurt and angry. I told you I can't just be your friend, I want more and you don't, so thus we're at different places. Another damn impasse. And even so, none of anything matters anyway. What more do you want from me damnit, what else more do you want me to say? You don't deserve my unconditional kindness, but you have it anyway. You don't get the right to receive any explanations from me. I don't have to explain myself or tell you anything regarding my behaviour. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I am me. And you don't want me. Nothing's changed. Eventually this all will pass because I don't ever intend to want someone who doesn't want me. But this, is the best I can do for now.

Snap

Wow, snap out of this shit. Come on, girl. You're better and stronger than this.

I Got To Get Out Of Here

Un-fucking-believable!!

I just discovered that either my father or my mother went through my fucking drawers in my own room! Out of all my life, I would've never ever fucking thought they would stoop that low. It isn't like I'm fucking shooting up drugs or anything. I think the full culprit could be my dad, which I am fucking irate about. I don't think my mother would ever break a trust like that. But I think they were partners in crime. She probably mentioned seeing it in passing and then he, fucking being the sneaky shady ass bastard that he is, went into my room when I wasn't home one day and took his moment. That is so goddamn fucked up.

You really think I wouldn't notice that you took my knives? Really?

I can't even begin to fathom how he even knew where to look or that I was even in possession. Are you fucking kidding me? I am in utter shock and befuddlement all at the same goddamn time. I can't even comprehend the formulation thought process behind it. The only thing going through my mind is pure rage and the question, "HOW?" How the fuck did they even know, how the fuck did they even cross that fucking line.

How the fuck?

You and I are done. We've never had a father-daughter relationship ever. You've been absent my entire childhood. And now you decide when I'm all grown to start your pseudo-parenting tactics? Fuck you. That was the last straw. You and I, whatever thread we were hanging on to is broken. The trust is gone, my faith in you has vanished. You just crossed the line.
And when I leave, I'm never coming back.

edit**
Okay, just found out it wasn't my mother. Then it must've been my father. Ugh!! Fuck family. And I know I'll just cool off in an hour, but this is so ridiculous. I just want to be left alone.

Who Am I To Disagree

"Sweet dreams are made of these.."

Nocturne

The times at night are the worst. Why does it feel like I lost something so great, when it wasn't really anything at all? I don't understand why everything has the ability to hurt me. I trust too easily, love too easily, care too easily, compromise too easily, and share too easily. I just can't believe it happened again. I supposed it won't ever change.

Run From Cover

I look around my life, nothing here seems right, these places look the same, I'm waiting from a change
The space between us grows, the thorns that killed rose, still I wait for you. I'll wait until you see who you were meant to be. I'll wait for something real.
It's always darkest before light, there will be pain all through your life, but there's always hope at the end of despair, follow your heart and I'll see you there
The end is nothing new, I different point of view, still I feel it all.
I'll learn to carry on, when everything is gone, I'll learn to live again.
It's always darkest before light, there will be pain all through your life, but there's always hope at the end of despair, follow your heart and I'll see you there
I'm falling apart, I'm at the start, But I can't get back all that I've lost
I'm holding on, the night brings the dawn, I'm still here

The XX

Fucking amazing band, check em out.


I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on