Now

Now that I know what a bit of normalcy tastes like, I don't ever want to feel as low ever again. It's honestly and physically crippling.

Physics

Whatever goes up, must come down.

Waiting; The Bottom

Let's hope this is not just some passing, loves to tease, flirty fluke. This is only the first upped dose taken. So it's no wonder I suddenly feel good.
The other meds have never worked like this before, but this is the first time I've taken an SSRI.
We'll see, cautiously.

Now I'm scared.

The bottom always falls out. Hope this isn't something manic related 'cause the fall usually is always harder. You expect the worst when that's all you've ever known your entire life.
All I can do now is just wait.

"Thy drugs are quick."

10mg -> 20mg; after 6hrs or so- waiting transitions in bed- new inspiration

Holy shit.
What a difference 10mg makes.
Is this what life is "Supposed" to feel like? On a regular, normal, basis?
Is this what everyone else has felt their entire life?
Because I have never purely felt life this way before. (i mean it's sort of like the upper from ecstasy because of the serotonin involvement, but never this sober and without paranoia) Like I've just awoken for the first time in my life and my senses are all working as they should be. I can't even explain it, it's as if everything has become suddenly so tangible. I can feel everything better, I physically feel like pain has been lifted.
My fingers even feel tingly from the bodily euphoria.

Depression seems to be literally all I've ever known as far back as I can remember since childhood. There's always been that shield of fog negatively sheltering and handicapping me from life itself.

Even still when I'm laying in bed, stuck with insomnia, left solely tracking my bodily feelings.

Exciting.
Beautiful.
Too good to be true.
Creative.
Capricious.
Yet, Peaceful.

Not completely hopeless.
Internally, too good to be true?

Shit, I better not be manic right now.
I hope this doesn't give me any poor consequences.

Fucking Insomnia,

man.

Final Comforting Thoughts

I might have emotional scars and be angry at myself for apologizing to you years after for the action that spurned the bullying, but you will always have to live with the fact that you were the bully and what every horrible thing you did and caused after.

Unsettled

I wish I knew what made me feel this way, so I could stop it.

Unsatisfied- I'm Sorry, Don't Leave Me Now

Please give me something to sleep to.

My Prozac Nation

Here I go.

First Session

Interesting.
I hate how money makes the world go round and how expensive getting healed mentally, emotionally, and physically is.
I can't believe I'm actually getting real help after all this time.
All thanks to my mother. I'm so fortunate to have parents who are so loving, even if they show it differently than most parents, I still consider myself lucky.

I Am

Selfish.
Lazy.
Spoiled.
Ill-disciplined
Horrible.
Undeserving.
Worthless.
A liar.

As Much

As bad and as low as I feel, I feel worse for what my mother must be feeling for having such a fucked up daughter. Bleh.

Break; Astonishment

My mother is making me go see a psychiatrist. She doesn't understand how hard it is to do yourself, so she did everything for me. I don't understand why I'm so hindered either.

Is there really something wrong with me or am I just a lazy, spoiled person when it comes to life?

Unsatisfying

Life is too hard, I don't want to do it anymore.

First Generation Immigrant Minority Kid Problems

Everyone's dead inside, how can you expect anything to change. Effort is so exhausting.