Nobody cares.

Not even I.

Seroquel

So turns out it does help me a lot at night. It calms me down. My prescription refill with insurance can only be done on the 29th and I only have a couple pills of Seroquel left so last night I seemed to already be tired. I thought I could skip it and make it last and take it the next night, but boy was I wrong. It was like my body was craving it. I started to mini freak out. It's weird being so tired and needing sleep, yet still not being able to sleep. So much that your body self-reacts without you doing anything to cause it yourself. So, there's that. Now we just need to find a way to subtract my severe depression.

.

Had some really bad dreams last night, but I still hate being awake more.

How

Howdoistopnotwantingtolive?

Not working

Prozac isn't working, seroquel just puts me to sleep and that's it. Is it supposed to do anything else? Low.

The Waiting Game

Tick tock, tick tock.
So goes, the indifferent clock.

Fuck

Fuck, I'm manic. Or hypomanic, not good. Angry. Fuck. Can't sleep, wired, depression. Jittery. Wired. And it just hit me, hallucinations I used to have as a child, where I would 'black out' and see things, not normal. Damn. I need it to be 9 already so I can call my doctor. Fuck.

Fuck, researching and reading about sensory hallucinations, fuck, I think I am bipolar. 2 possibly. This is so heartbreaking. I would've never thought that the things I thought I saw or heard would conclude to this. It literally came out of no where when usually I am pretty perceptive about things. Fuck. It would definitely explain my paranoia of hearing and seeing strangers while I'm drifting into being awake. Hearing rustled bed sheets or paper when I'm all by myself or even a stranger kneeling beside me. FUCK.

I'm so screwed. I thought the hallucinations, migraines, and blackout tantrums I had as a kid were just ephemeral stuff cause I was physically unhealthy. I never thought they were psychotic. But now that I'm older and can piece things together, it all is beginning to make sense now. I still get bad migraines. Goddamnit.

I just had this strange wave of utter finality and acceptance. This is it. This is who I'm supposed to become. Fuck. Clinical Depression seems a whole lot better compared to this. Ugh.
But it's not a competition.

25yrs, Sick

I don't want to be this way anymore. Suicide is selfish, but I can understand why someone would do it if there's no other way out. I don't want to be this way anymore. Suicide is selfish, but I can understand why someone would do it if there's no other way out. I don't want to be this way anymore. Suicide is selfish, but I can understand why someone would do it if there's no other way out. I don't want to be this way anymore. Suicide is selfish, but I can understand why someone would do it if there's no other way out. I don't want to be this way anymore. Suicide is selfish, but I can understand why someone would do it if there's no other way out. I don't want to be this way anymore. Suicide is selfish, but I can understand why someone would do it if there's no other way out.

Bipolar II Disorder

Shit, I think there may be a possibility. The thought never even crossed my mind. I always thought against it. Ugh. I think my doctors know something they're not telling me. Hence the use of a low dose mood stabilizer with my antidepressant. Go figure.

My Heart, When It Rains

Soft, hued changes.
Famous, impatient paces.
High sensations,
on skyscraper adrenaline elations.
Late night strides,
through side-by-side changing blue tides.
Yellow-cabbed, slow drive-byes.
Places, bestowed, with light and sweet sighs.

A hazy, shimmering, light shines.
On reflections of bright, hopeful eyes.

Just

Hold on, to this.

The moment, the second
of fate, nearly missed.

Your courage- radiating,
coursing through your veins and blood,

like a fire, suddenly deep satiating.

Hold on, to this.

Life's scintillating gift,

time's imaginary
and playful, sweet kiss.

The beckoning, it calls.

Heaven's deathly descent
and the heavy fall.

Hold on, to this.

Unrest will soon awaken

to take back,
what was so willfully dismissed

and so quickly forsaken.

Just.

Hold on.

Fear- The Moment- Losing

The comedown.

The worst,
is fading sound.

My heart, breaking.

Every second dose,
too much life faking.

I miss my focus, the most.

It's always hovering,

just that close.

1/7

One good day out of an entire week? The universe is definitely fucking with me.