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Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Cracks
I wish I had never seriously cracked my navicular bone in my foot. Not to mention my outer ankle on the other foot has been swollen for the longest time. It's all started to act up again, and the only way to fix it is through surgery. Fuck, and I really could go for a run right now. It's killing me not being able to run, I need it.
Ammunition
New artist, James IV. Yep, pretty amazing. When I first heard his song, for some reason, his sound brought back some emotions from the past, from a time of ease and goodness, about 5-6 years ago . So there's that. I love it.
Roused
Ever since the passing of my birthday, I feel like I can be someone better now. My dream is to move away from here some day soon, and I promise, one day I will.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Crystal Conception
I've been brought back down to ground finally after I've had time to recompose myself, thank god lol. What the fuck was I even thinking?
I need to remember, as well as the rest of the human race this one thing.
One of the greatest things is life is just how resilient we really are. We can take loads of turmoil and still exist. I'd say that is pretty incredible considering how young we all fall. So with that said,
Love is a constant and an endless condition. It's amazing how many opportunities there are to fall in and out of love/lust/infatuation. Especially with my passionate and empathetic nature, I use too much heart. But with all that in consideration, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have come a long way and it's taken a lot, but I finally love myself, so much now- everything I am and what I stand for.
So spend no time on someone, anyone, who won't spend the time on you. Because someone else will always want to. Count on it.
I need to remember, as well as the rest of the human race this one thing.
One of the greatest things is life is just how resilient we really are. We can take loads of turmoil and still exist. I'd say that is pretty incredible considering how young we all fall. So with that said,
Love is a constant and an endless condition. It's amazing how many opportunities there are to fall in and out of love/lust/infatuation. Especially with my passionate and empathetic nature, I use too much heart. But with all that in consideration, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have come a long way and it's taken a lot, but I finally love myself, so much now- everything I am and what I stand for.
So spend no time on someone, anyone, who won't spend the time on you. Because someone else will always want to. Count on it.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Life Of The Aquatic
So lately I have been having really vivid, random, and quite interesting dreams. I woke up today with a number of oddities in my mind. I like to google them and try to understand what they mean since your waking life is so completely tied to your subconscious.
I dream about the ocean, a lot. I dream about clean, clear blue oceanic waves. Not the yucky ugly dirty green kind we have in Southern California. I have dreams of when I am surrounded by them, swimming, yet never violently caught or stuck amidst- never having to fight my way back to wherever. At times saving someone from drowning, but I have never felt hopeless or helpless in the water, or even panicky for the matter. I have dreams about the sunsets, which always come hand in hand with oceans. I dream about the onlooking of the scenery- taking it all in, and I dream about walking on, or just barely above the water- hovering maybe. It's always the ocean though, always with the smooth and soothing current. I don't know, perhaps that's why I have such an affinity for water in real life and the ocean and beach. I'm so at peace when I'm surrounded by water- swimming pool or sea, it just makes me feel better.
Want to know the strangest thing though? I'm scared shitless of the ocean. And given just how sensitive my body really is, I get motion sickness like crazy. Hell, I even get motion sickness in cars with particular drivers. Pathetic, but in Hawaii, after kayaking for over an hour, I actually started to get motion sickness from the current. Yeah, lol. But to be honest, the currents in Hawaii are nuts because of all the various islands. Anyway, I mean the deepness of it. It's frightening. The current is a fearsome force and I am afraid of getting pulled in and drowning, so much that I won't be able to get out of it. I'm okay playing in it, but I have to be able to touch the ground, or else I freak out. I don't know why, but that's just how it is. But besides that, I love it.
The color (blue is my favorite color), the texture, the fluidity, just the way it feels, it's amazing.
I have dreamed about water my entire life. Ever since I was a child, I dreamt of sitting at the bottom of the ocean, but it was like a different world of smooth ground and clear and calmed surroundings, and maybe the occasional big chilling whale, that I often thought to be a shark as a frightened child, just chilling above me, but it was never aggressive and it never came never me, it just hovered above me. Looking back now, it was just a whale. And now that I am older, I dream above ocean ground level now. It's an odd thing, but a calming effect afterwards in my waking life. It's kind of beautiful. Lol, well that's my piece and peace for the day. (:
I dream about the ocean, a lot. I dream about clean, clear blue oceanic waves. Not the yucky ugly dirty green kind we have in Southern California. I have dreams of when I am surrounded by them, swimming, yet never violently caught or stuck amidst- never having to fight my way back to wherever. At times saving someone from drowning, but I have never felt hopeless or helpless in the water, or even panicky for the matter. I have dreams about the sunsets, which always come hand in hand with oceans. I dream about the onlooking of the scenery- taking it all in, and I dream about walking on, or just barely above the water- hovering maybe. It's always the ocean though, always with the smooth and soothing current. I don't know, perhaps that's why I have such an affinity for water in real life and the ocean and beach. I'm so at peace when I'm surrounded by water- swimming pool or sea, it just makes me feel better.
Want to know the strangest thing though? I'm scared shitless of the ocean. And given just how sensitive my body really is, I get motion sickness like crazy. Hell, I even get motion sickness in cars with particular drivers. Pathetic, but in Hawaii, after kayaking for over an hour, I actually started to get motion sickness from the current. Yeah, lol. But to be honest, the currents in Hawaii are nuts because of all the various islands. Anyway, I mean the deepness of it. It's frightening. The current is a fearsome force and I am afraid of getting pulled in and drowning, so much that I won't be able to get out of it. I'm okay playing in it, but I have to be able to touch the ground, or else I freak out. I don't know why, but that's just how it is. But besides that, I love it.
The color (blue is my favorite color), the texture, the fluidity, just the way it feels, it's amazing.
I have dreamed about water my entire life. Ever since I was a child, I dreamt of sitting at the bottom of the ocean, but it was like a different world of smooth ground and clear and calmed surroundings, and maybe the occasional big chilling whale, that I often thought to be a shark as a frightened child, just chilling above me, but it was never aggressive and it never came never me, it just hovered above me. Looking back now, it was just a whale. And now that I am older, I dream above ocean ground level now. It's an odd thing, but a calming effect afterwards in my waking life. It's kind of beautiful. Lol, well that's my piece and peace for the day. (:
Goodbye
Enough. This is so ridiculous. This behavior needs to cease now. There is no reason why I should be allowing myself to dwell and waste time with this. It's all so done with.
I don't understand, what the hell was I thinking?
Looking back on our history and all the horrible and hurtful things that occurred. I don't see or understand how I could've just forgot it all.
You hurt me. You really hurt me.
I hate that I remember everything that you've done. Remembering is like reliving a nightmare you never wished to have collected.
And the thing is, I could've forgotten all of it. I almost did, almost threw it completely out without a second thought. But remembering the last two times you had hurt me before the disaster of 8 months ago, I don't know how I could've ever forgotten. I guess it's true when they say time does eventually erase everything.
That one time you said to come hang out with you and your friends. I walked in to find you completely just, I can barely seem to find the words to even put it down, it pinches now just trying to write it.
There was another girl. I didn't think anything of it, until you immediately resumed PDA without a stumble, like it was no big deal, and left me to my own.
We had just affectionately hung out the night before. God seeing that was like taking a fucking bullet. I even told you this, after I had smoked that cigarette and then proceeded to make up a bullshit exit excuse to your friends.
I confronted you downstairs, asking you, "what the fuck was that?" And you just acted oblivious and refuted with, "what was what?" God, who the fuck are you? I'm shaking my head as I type this. Who the hell do you think you are to everyone else?
I told you that, that was like taking a fucking bullet, that you were so fucked up, such a fucked up person. How could you do that? To anyone for the matter.
After I brought up the girl, god, you just had this hard ass, impenetrable look on your face. Like you were trying to convince yourself that your actions were justifiably okay and not fucked up at all. But we both know how messed up it was. And then I left, never wanting to speak to you ever again. And we didn't for a while, until you came around again.
And I let you walk all over me again. I am such a fucking sucker. Geez, it was my own fault entirely for letting it all happen to me. Yet, it doesn't mean that you can willingly allow yourself to take full advantage of a nice person. You can't just mentally screw with decent people for your own satisfaction because you need something to make you feel in control all the time.
The sad thing is, I would've completely forgotten everything, everything entirely, had it not been for that girl and that scene I walked myself in to. I will never forgive myself for putting myself in that situation. I could let it go eventually, but right now, I can never forgive you for doing that.
You can't just sleep with me and then act like nothing's changed. You can't just be affectionate with someone and have it mean nothing. You can't just do that with me and then allow me to watch you put the moves on another girl. I don't work like that, it's not how I'm built. I'm a good girl, I don't just give it away freely. I can barely be affectionate with anyone at all. It makes me wonder if you do this or have done this with every single girl in your life, and you just play all of us one at a time until you get bored and move on to the next one in line. It makes me think, what else have you done that I don't know about, because surely I don't know anything about you. I know that's a hurtful thing to say, but thoughts have to go somewhere.
I don't understand how it can just not matter to you. Any of it. I guess I will never know.
God, all the times I let you step all over and use me, shit, I am a fucking blind idiot. Who the fuck did I think I was? All the times you initiated and I just fucking took the bait, every fucking time. Bottom line: It would and will never be me. Innate hope fucks all of us over in the end. And you will never change. Even when I finally consented to thinking you had really changed 8 months ago after your much convincing. I really wished for your conscience that you did though. I wanted more for you. You're so smart, I wasn't lying when I said I believed in your full potential and goodness, no matter how deeply buried it is within you. Despite all that, I still do believe that. I hope someday you get there. It's too bad I won't be there to see it.
I can't let you hurt me any longer. But I don't think that'll be a problem anymore.
I don't understand, what the hell was I thinking?
Looking back on our history and all the horrible and hurtful things that occurred. I don't see or understand how I could've just forgot it all.
You hurt me. You really hurt me.
I hate that I remember everything that you've done. Remembering is like reliving a nightmare you never wished to have collected.
And the thing is, I could've forgotten all of it. I almost did, almost threw it completely out without a second thought. But remembering the last two times you had hurt me before the disaster of 8 months ago, I don't know how I could've ever forgotten. I guess it's true when they say time does eventually erase everything.
That one time you said to come hang out with you and your friends. I walked in to find you completely just, I can barely seem to find the words to even put it down, it pinches now just trying to write it.
There was another girl. I didn't think anything of it, until you immediately resumed PDA without a stumble, like it was no big deal, and left me to my own.
We had just affectionately hung out the night before. God seeing that was like taking a fucking bullet. I even told you this, after I had smoked that cigarette and then proceeded to make up a bullshit exit excuse to your friends.
I confronted you downstairs, asking you, "what the fuck was that?" And you just acted oblivious and refuted with, "what was what?" God, who the fuck are you? I'm shaking my head as I type this. Who the hell do you think you are to everyone else?
I told you that, that was like taking a fucking bullet, that you were so fucked up, such a fucked up person. How could you do that? To anyone for the matter.
After I brought up the girl, god, you just had this hard ass, impenetrable look on your face. Like you were trying to convince yourself that your actions were justifiably okay and not fucked up at all. But we both know how messed up it was. And then I left, never wanting to speak to you ever again. And we didn't for a while, until you came around again.
And I let you walk all over me again. I am such a fucking sucker. Geez, it was my own fault entirely for letting it all happen to me. Yet, it doesn't mean that you can willingly allow yourself to take full advantage of a nice person. You can't just mentally screw with decent people for your own satisfaction because you need something to make you feel in control all the time.
The sad thing is, I would've completely forgotten everything, everything entirely, had it not been for that girl and that scene I walked myself in to. I will never forgive myself for putting myself in that situation. I could let it go eventually, but right now, I can never forgive you for doing that.
You can't just sleep with me and then act like nothing's changed. You can't just be affectionate with someone and have it mean nothing. You can't just do that with me and then allow me to watch you put the moves on another girl. I don't work like that, it's not how I'm built. I'm a good girl, I don't just give it away freely. I can barely be affectionate with anyone at all. It makes me wonder if you do this or have done this with every single girl in your life, and you just play all of us one at a time until you get bored and move on to the next one in line. It makes me think, what else have you done that I don't know about, because surely I don't know anything about you. I know that's a hurtful thing to say, but thoughts have to go somewhere.
I don't understand how it can just not matter to you. Any of it. I guess I will never know.
God, all the times I let you step all over and use me, shit, I am a fucking blind idiot. Who the fuck did I think I was? All the times you initiated and I just fucking took the bait, every fucking time. Bottom line: It would and will never be me. Innate hope fucks all of us over in the end. And you will never change. Even when I finally consented to thinking you had really changed 8 months ago after your much convincing. I really wished for your conscience that you did though. I wanted more for you. You're so smart, I wasn't lying when I said I believed in your full potential and goodness, no matter how deeply buried it is within you. Despite all that, I still do believe that. I hope someday you get there. It's too bad I won't be there to see it.
I can't let you hurt me any longer. But I don't think that'll be a problem anymore.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
What I Could Never Say
It's still hard for me to actually put this out there, I have censored or changed almost everything I have to just resemble the lines of a mere friendship relationship. But you're no idiot, and you probably already know all of this already. This just may be confirming it all.
Okay truth?
I was scared. Still am.
I didn't want to just become another one of those girls or your friends who fall in love with you. As you've mentioned before. I really didn't want that to happen. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could have to prevent it.
But, as much as I tried to just deny it to literally everyone and keep us just first and foremost friends, I unwillingly fell in love with you. Yet, despite all of that, I still really don't know what I want. I don't see how it could ever work.
I have always loved the person you are, if anyone would ask me why, I don't think I would be able to come up with a concise answer. But who knows why anyone loves a person? But, this time I fell in love with you. Loving someone and falling in love are two different things.
Yet, none of that is on my mind at all. None of that has ever been on my mind to execute. That doesn't matter. I never had any ulterior motives. What you see is what you get with me. I just wanted for us to be okay, that's it. Now I want all this humiliation to just be put to rest. Buried and never dug back up.
I don't even know how things got to be like this, when we were only just friends. We never even started so how could things spiral out of control? But they did. I guess you could attribute it to some enablers such as alcohol and chemical imbalances. But, all in all it was all just both of our undoings. Us reacting and acting off of each others responses. Bad combinations and everything just got out of hand. I never wanted or intended any of this to happen, but it did.
We broke it. And I'm so sorry. At least in due time, all this will pass and hopefully disappear. I just want this to be over with. Perhaps it probably is and has been for a very long time. Stubbornness is a vice, but my heart is closing. But just because I said all this, don't let it go to your head. Don't flatter yourself because it doesn't mean a thing.
So that's everything, now there really is nothing more to say. And so tomorrow I will wake up and it'll completely be done and over with. Enough of this redundant repetition. I'm even sick of hearing myself think.
Okay truth?
I was scared. Still am.
I didn't want to just become another one of those girls or your friends who fall in love with you. As you've mentioned before. I really didn't want that to happen. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could have to prevent it.
But, as much as I tried to just deny it to literally everyone and keep us just first and foremost friends, I unwillingly fell in love with you. Yet, despite all of that, I still really don't know what I want. I don't see how it could ever work.
I have always loved the person you are, if anyone would ask me why, I don't think I would be able to come up with a concise answer. But who knows why anyone loves a person? But, this time I fell in love with you. Loving someone and falling in love are two different things.
Yet, none of that is on my mind at all. None of that has ever been on my mind to execute. That doesn't matter. I never had any ulterior motives. What you see is what you get with me. I just wanted for us to be okay, that's it. Now I want all this humiliation to just be put to rest. Buried and never dug back up.
I don't even know how things got to be like this, when we were only just friends. We never even started so how could things spiral out of control? But they did. I guess you could attribute it to some enablers such as alcohol and chemical imbalances. But, all in all it was all just both of our undoings. Us reacting and acting off of each others responses. Bad combinations and everything just got out of hand. I never wanted or intended any of this to happen, but it did.
We broke it. And I'm so sorry. At least in due time, all this will pass and hopefully disappear. I just want this to be over with. Perhaps it probably is and has been for a very long time. Stubbornness is a vice, but my heart is closing. But just because I said all this, don't let it go to your head. Don't flatter yourself because it doesn't mean a thing.
So that's everything, now there really is nothing more to say. And so tomorrow I will wake up and it'll completely be done and over with. Enough of this redundant repetition. I'm even sick of hearing myself think.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Mega Face Palm
I have been going through my past entries and it's like I am being smacked in the face, right between my eyes every so often. I have to tell you what a startling revelation that all is.
When did everything become so melodramatic? That is such crap. It all sounds like a broken record, I even get tired just listening to myself. I guess if you're constantly talking about yourself, than eventually you do loop around countless times to end up at full circle. You keep who you are, but you incorporate new aspects of life given your flexibility meter.
And with that, why does everything have to come off as so tragic for it to mean something? or for it to feel like it matters? I sound like a fucking idiot at times, but to be honest I always randomly ramble lol and will probably always be a nerd. But this past month, I have become to love it and myself either way, so neh.
It hits me so bluntly though, that is seems like I am reading a completely different person. Thoughts of "who the hell is this person?" sift through my mind as I allow and at times force myself to read 'someone else's' thoughts, daring myself to see how much reliving of my so unstable lost self I can actually endure. Haha, god I sound like such a schizophrenic, but that's just it, human beings are so multifaceted that it is impossible to clearly define. Because by the time you have figured it out, a person has already changed again.
But to speak earnestly, you can't really compare who you were then to who you are now. Even as I at times skim entries I have written from last year, it amazes me how different I sound from who I am evolving into now, but I am always changing every moment and never the same person twice. My mind is always mechanically on, automatically working to produce entirely new thoughts of understanding depth. It's a bit incredible how much anything can change given any time frame, whether a lifetime or even a few seconds. Although people will always have that something that makes them who they are, and will at times resemble a familiarity to a past self, I don't think anyone could really be the same person twice if you allow room for adaptability. But of course there are always ways to argue the other sides. Everything is always open to any interpretation.
Voltaire said in Candide, that the purpose of life is to 'cultivate one's garden.'
The one constant in life is that everything is in fact inconstant, especially the mind. We come already preprogrammed with intangible emotions and the ability to own fluctuating state of minds, one of human nature's twisted games. It's the human condition to be perpetually flawed, but it's how and what you choose to do with and about it that makes all the difference.
I don't know why, but always after being in it (you know, in the special good place in one's mind- the zone), and finishing up an extensively thought out entry of real substantial metaphysical theorizing, I always feel so much better after writing. Being able to come to a satisfied conclusion by picking your own brain apart and allowing your eyes to connect with your mind, the capability to see what exactly it is that you're thinking -all laid out in front of you, so that you're able to fully structure everything and put it in fluid order so further bolster and jump-start fresh thought process- leaves me with an amazingly right feeling. Being able to really work everything out to the nth degree, breaking it all down and really getting into it- leaving nothing left unturned, I think this is something I will always love because it's entirely all my own thing; It will always bring me back to ground and clear up my head no matter how farfetched and silly everything gets.
But compared to the entire spectrum of life, everything is in fact all rather silly isn't it?
When did everything become so melodramatic? That is such crap. It all sounds like a broken record, I even get tired just listening to myself. I guess if you're constantly talking about yourself, than eventually you do loop around countless times to end up at full circle. You keep who you are, but you incorporate new aspects of life given your flexibility meter.
And with that, why does everything have to come off as so tragic for it to mean something? or for it to feel like it matters? I sound like a fucking idiot at times, but to be honest I always randomly ramble lol and will probably always be a nerd. But this past month, I have become to love it and myself either way, so neh.
It hits me so bluntly though, that is seems like I am reading a completely different person. Thoughts of "who the hell is this person?" sift through my mind as I allow and at times force myself to read 'someone else's' thoughts, daring myself to see how much reliving of my so unstable lost self I can actually endure. Haha, god I sound like such a schizophrenic, but that's just it, human beings are so multifaceted that it is impossible to clearly define. Because by the time you have figured it out, a person has already changed again.
But to speak earnestly, you can't really compare who you were then to who you are now. Even as I at times skim entries I have written from last year, it amazes me how different I sound from who I am evolving into now, but I am always changing every moment and never the same person twice. My mind is always mechanically on, automatically working to produce entirely new thoughts of understanding depth. It's a bit incredible how much anything can change given any time frame, whether a lifetime or even a few seconds. Although people will always have that something that makes them who they are, and will at times resemble a familiarity to a past self, I don't think anyone could really be the same person twice if you allow room for adaptability. But of course there are always ways to argue the other sides. Everything is always open to any interpretation.
Voltaire said in Candide, that the purpose of life is to 'cultivate one's garden.'
The one constant in life is that everything is in fact inconstant, especially the mind. We come already preprogrammed with intangible emotions and the ability to own fluctuating state of minds, one of human nature's twisted games. It's the human condition to be perpetually flawed, but it's how and what you choose to do with and about it that makes all the difference.
I don't know why, but always after being in it (you know, in the special good place in one's mind- the zone), and finishing up an extensively thought out entry of real substantial metaphysical theorizing, I always feel so much better after writing. Being able to come to a satisfied conclusion by picking your own brain apart and allowing your eyes to connect with your mind, the capability to see what exactly it is that you're thinking -all laid out in front of you, so that you're able to fully structure everything and put it in fluid order so further bolster and jump-start fresh thought process- leaves me with an amazingly right feeling. Being able to really work everything out to the nth degree, breaking it all down and really getting into it- leaving nothing left unturned, I think this is something I will always love because it's entirely all my own thing; It will always bring me back to ground and clear up my head no matter how farfetched and silly everything gets.
But compared to the entire spectrum of life, everything is in fact all rather silly isn't it?
Yep
Yeah, I do a lot of stupid things, enough to last me a lifetime of humiliation. But at least I do them well. Lol so, there's that.
...
This probably will never even get to you. But going out on a limb here nonetheless. I don't care.
You may not even consent to accept or acknowledge this. You may not even take it into consideration. Hell, you may even classify this as a level of high pretentiousness, but, I don't mean to come off that way, I just don't know what more I can do. This is it, this is everything handed on a silver platter with no censorship nor covering up. And if you've always just seen me as crazy crazy, well I guess that's just that. This is everything- all of my thoughts honestly in virtually printed form utterly handed to you consensually to take as you see fit. At least this is what somewhat 10 years of off and on 'friendship' and history deserves us both.
This 'friendship' of ours, you're messing with my head. And your inconsistency is what is making me crazy.
My mind is on the ups and downs. The inconsistent fickleness of the most avid inconstant. But at least I am trying.
I have tried and I don't know how else to reach you; I am innately not the type to embrace stalking nor fully and actively seeking out. And I refuse to quite literally chase you down and have to feel that I am doing so, although I have honestly felt that I have already done so and I really, really hate that feeling. Yeah, it is completely absurd right? Anyway.
I just don't know what is real and what's not with you anymore or how things came to be like this that we avoid each other now. And I have tried my best maneuvers at all costs. If point of view is so skewed, I may even come off the most bit insane and farfetched, quite possibly imagining pure fiction or what not, but everything warrants an alternate perspective if you allow yourself to fully analyze and theorize all aspects, which you know I'm going to do. If anything, just say something. Confirm, contradict, whatever, anything. And then so be it, at least I would have tried and said my peace the best I could have.
I just want everything all said and to be done with. So it can be finally dealt with. And I may be a complete fool (most probably already achieved, but I would have rather tried wholeheartedly than not), but I meant what I intended, I just wanted us to be okay; I want nothing more than that at the moment. No more hidden secrets, no more games, no more fallacies. Do what you will, ball is in your court and this is everything. This is all what it and this is.
Maybe this was and is just your fully intended hint for me to receive and process, to finally fucking take a long necessary defeated hike. That, I would have fully received and accepted. But rather than hint, I would have understood more completely a full on blunt clarification to expunge all lingering inconsistencies. I prefer a harsh truth rather than feigned sympathy, regardless of how stinging. So anything but, I guess I'm a little slow to pick up the subtlety transitions. Yet, honestly; if you would have just told me the simple truth of everything, it would have just been so much easier. Easier for every necessary decision whatever the circumstance. Yes, I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want. But what do you want? We're both so not idiots, so the enabled continuous silence? I have no idea why.
All in all, do what you will, take it in complete earnest for what it is and act accordingly. At least I will know that I did all I could have with no remorse beckoning in the back of my mind so that ultimately we can just completely figure this all out or can decide to move forward without having to look back with lingering and dragged out thoughts. Oh god, look at me, I'm talking in circles now.
It is what it is right? I'm willing to swallow my pride, I don't suppose we'll even speak after this. You have clearly made your point with your silence and actions I suppose. But it doesn't matter anymore, and at least I did all I could have before laying it to rest. It wasn't supposed to end up like this, not for us.
You may not even consent to accept or acknowledge this. You may not even take it into consideration. Hell, you may even classify this as a level of high pretentiousness, but, I don't mean to come off that way, I just don't know what more I can do. This is it, this is everything handed on a silver platter with no censorship nor covering up. And if you've always just seen me as crazy crazy, well I guess that's just that. This is everything- all of my thoughts honestly in virtually printed form utterly handed to you consensually to take as you see fit. At least this is what somewhat 10 years of off and on 'friendship' and history deserves us both.
This 'friendship' of ours, you're messing with my head. And your inconsistency is what is making me crazy.
My mind is on the ups and downs. The inconsistent fickleness of the most avid inconstant. But at least I am trying.
I have tried and I don't know how else to reach you; I am innately not the type to embrace stalking nor fully and actively seeking out. And I refuse to quite literally chase you down and have to feel that I am doing so, although I have honestly felt that I have already done so and I really, really hate that feeling. Yeah, it is completely absurd right? Anyway.
I just don't know what is real and what's not with you anymore or how things came to be like this that we avoid each other now. And I have tried my best maneuvers at all costs. If point of view is so skewed, I may even come off the most bit insane and farfetched, quite possibly imagining pure fiction or what not, but everything warrants an alternate perspective if you allow yourself to fully analyze and theorize all aspects, which you know I'm going to do. If anything, just say something. Confirm, contradict, whatever, anything. And then so be it, at least I would have tried and said my peace the best I could have.
I just want everything all said and to be done with. So it can be finally dealt with. And I may be a complete fool (most probably already achieved, but I would have rather tried wholeheartedly than not), but I meant what I intended, I just wanted us to be okay; I want nothing more than that at the moment. No more hidden secrets, no more games, no more fallacies. Do what you will, ball is in your court and this is everything. This is all what it and this is.
Maybe this was and is just your fully intended hint for me to receive and process, to finally fucking take a long necessary defeated hike. That, I would have fully received and accepted. But rather than hint, I would have understood more completely a full on blunt clarification to expunge all lingering inconsistencies. I prefer a harsh truth rather than feigned sympathy, regardless of how stinging. So anything but, I guess I'm a little slow to pick up the subtlety transitions. Yet, honestly; if you would have just told me the simple truth of everything, it would have just been so much easier. Easier for every necessary decision whatever the circumstance. Yes, I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want. But what do you want? We're both so not idiots, so the enabled continuous silence? I have no idea why.
All in all, do what you will, take it in complete earnest for what it is and act accordingly. At least I will know that I did all I could have with no remorse beckoning in the back of my mind so that ultimately we can just completely figure this all out or can decide to move forward without having to look back with lingering and dragged out thoughts. Oh god, look at me, I'm talking in circles now.
It is what it is right? I'm willing to swallow my pride, I don't suppose we'll even speak after this. You have clearly made your point with your silence and actions I suppose. But it doesn't matter anymore, and at least I did all I could have before laying it to rest. It wasn't supposed to end up like this, not for us.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I
I just want to forget all the disaster and chaos, all that regretfully still haunt me, that happened 8 months ago; I look back and still cannot believe all that ugly mess happened, I hate that it existed. I want to start all over, fresh. But that is impossible. Only looking always forward is the sole thing anyone can really do well.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Carney
I've said it once a long time ago before and I will say it again. Reeve Carney. Check him out. His band Carney released their album last year. They're so amazing. I love Reeve Carney. He is also Peter Parker for Broadway's Spiderman, yeah, that good. He also got the young artist's award in one of my favorite movies Snow Falling On Cedars. (not to mention I love Ethan Hawke too lol) His song Think Of You is one of my go to go to songs. I spoke about him in Think Of You. I wasn't kidding.
I just love his voice. It sounds like an electric guitar but communicated vocally. It's just so, well, sexy. Hahaha.
Their music. It's theatrical, it's intense, it's different, it's hard hitting, it's rock, it's hot. It's so damn great.
I just love his voice. It sounds like an electric guitar but communicated vocally. It's just so, well, sexy. Hahaha.
Their music. It's theatrical, it's intense, it's different, it's hard hitting, it's rock, it's hot. It's so damn great.
Still Wanna Go
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies,
Still wanna go.
There's something here,
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving.
Reminds you of home.
So you've taken these pills
For to fill up your soul
And your drinking them down with cheap alcohol.
I might be inclined to be yours for the taken,
And part of this terrible mess that you're making.
But me, I'm the catalyst.
When you say love is a simple chemical reaction,
Can't say I agree.
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster.
Still love's all I see.
So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul,
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol.
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking,
You're part of this terrible mess that I'm making.
But you, you're the catalyst.
You'll be the thing,
You'll be the pain,
You'll be the star.
You'll be the road, rolling below,
The wheels of a car.
And all of the thoughts, oh god.
Don't know if I'm strong enough now.
You'll be the thing,
You'll be the pain,
You'll be the,
Catalyst.
These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go.
Still wanna go.
There's something here,
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving.
Reminds you of home.
So you've taken these pills
For to fill up your soul
And your drinking them down with cheap alcohol.
I might be inclined to be yours for the taken,
And part of this terrible mess that you're making.
But me, I'm the catalyst.
When you say love is a simple chemical reaction,
Can't say I agree.
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster.
Still love's all I see.
So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul,
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol.
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking,
You're part of this terrible mess that I'm making.
But you, you're the catalyst.
You'll be the thing,
You'll be the pain,
You'll be the star.
You'll be the road, rolling below,
The wheels of a car.
And all of the thoughts, oh god.
Don't know if I'm strong enough now.
You'll be the thing,
You'll be the pain,
You'll be the,
Catalyst.
These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go.
Blankness
Heartache and heartbreak are two entirely different emotions and words. Both spurned by a number of diverse reasons. Now it's the latter.
It's such an odd physical feeling of fully enabling the decision to really giving up. I think it's because I never give up until it's absolutely necessary and extreme. So this doesn't happen too often for me. And fool is the word that keeps resonating in my ears.
It's like something died within you. And your insides have just stopped mechanically revolving. Time inside has stopped and everything is slow and numb. The expansive universe which you hold contained in your body, it's like it has just disappeared without warning or trace.
Rebuilding will slowly seep through, but recovery is going to take a while.
Call me crazy, but how can you really know yourself if you don't fully let yourself feel every goddamned emotion your body produces?
Now for a major influx of personal favorites that lift you out of the day.
It's such an odd physical feeling of fully enabling the decision to really giving up. I think it's because I never give up until it's absolutely necessary and extreme. So this doesn't happen too often for me. And fool is the word that keeps resonating in my ears.
It's like something died within you. And your insides have just stopped mechanically revolving. Time inside has stopped and everything is slow and numb. The expansive universe which you hold contained in your body, it's like it has just disappeared without warning or trace.
Rebuilding will slowly seep through, but recovery is going to take a while.
Call me crazy, but how can you really know yourself if you don't fully let yourself feel every goddamned emotion your body produces?
Now for a major influx of personal favorites that lift you out of the day.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Start A New Day And Ending, I Suppose
Isn't this getting a little old? The trials and tribulations of trying to end and begin or begin then end? Anyway,
I went to sleep with a decision and woke up with a decision. I think I have to just give up. And maybe really, your actions are just really just a hint and I have just been imaging the entire time. No more games, no more fronts, no more tough facade and feigned demeanor. Just earnest honesty and simplicity.
I'm sorry, but we're so over. We're so over there needs to be another word for over. Maybe we both just need to fully move on. Maybe you already have, but all the weird correspondence is tripping me out because I can't seem to understand it. But I'm tired of waiting for you, to be ready to really talk to me, and to be ready to trust me and let me in. You should already know this by now that I have been with you always even when you have royally screwed me over (yeah I know, only I would still stick around after being treated thus throughout the years), and yet you still can't have faith in me. I'm tired of these games. Either tell me you really don't feel anything for our friendship or whatever, or tell me otherwise. Because I cannot keep on going like this and dragging this out. This isn't healthy for me. It's literally draining me completely. I shouldn't have to feel like I am seeking you out like that, chasing you, just to talk. It's pathetic. And we still haven't even really talked.
I've been over and over everything in my mind. Trying to break things down and work it out to figure out the reasons behind the resulted effects. I want to know if this is all in my head, or if my intuition and gut is precisely on the mark with my concluded postulations.
Yeah, I love you. The person who you are now and have become. But so what? It doesn't mean anything else but that or that I want something more or whatever. The only thing I do want is for us to just be okay, so don't get all senselessly deranged now. Neh.
I am just so tired. Tired of my heart breaking every time I feel we might get to a balanced and clarified level. Tired of literally going crazy and filling with hyperventilating anxiety because I really want to work this all out for good. And that is so not me now, but it's insane how in a matter of days you have managed to totally unhinge me once again. I go crazy because of how unstable you are. It gets worse every last time it happens. And sometimes thinking back on all the horrible things done in the past, I still can't believe myself for what I want. I'd forget it completely if you would just be there. Be reachable.
I called you, texted you, contacted you because I wanted to make up. For real, not just the courtesy small talk. Small talk is crap.
I wanted to apologize for all the hurtful or ugly things I've ever said or done. I wanted to say sorry for all the judgmental out of line things I said that you just put up with or took. That was undeserving.
I wanted you to just talk to me, for real. Without all the surface crap.
I'm not waiting for you anymore. I can't. You figure it out because I can't do it for the both of us anymore. I don't know, maybe I am just running again. But this is what I know. I never thought I would say this, but I brought this completely on myself, I admit defeat. But this isn't a game. It's not supposed to be.
I went to sleep with a decision and woke up with a decision. I think I have to just give up. And maybe really, your actions are just really just a hint and I have just been imaging the entire time. No more games, no more fronts, no more tough facade and feigned demeanor. Just earnest honesty and simplicity.
I'm sorry, but we're so over. We're so over there needs to be another word for over. Maybe we both just need to fully move on. Maybe you already have, but all the weird correspondence is tripping me out because I can't seem to understand it. But I'm tired of waiting for you, to be ready to really talk to me, and to be ready to trust me and let me in. You should already know this by now that I have been with you always even when you have royally screwed me over (yeah I know, only I would still stick around after being treated thus throughout the years), and yet you still can't have faith in me. I'm tired of these games. Either tell me you really don't feel anything for our friendship or whatever, or tell me otherwise. Because I cannot keep on going like this and dragging this out. This isn't healthy for me. It's literally draining me completely. I shouldn't have to feel like I am seeking you out like that, chasing you, just to talk. It's pathetic. And we still haven't even really talked.
I've been over and over everything in my mind. Trying to break things down and work it out to figure out the reasons behind the resulted effects. I want to know if this is all in my head, or if my intuition and gut is precisely on the mark with my concluded postulations.
Yeah, I love you. The person who you are now and have become. But so what? It doesn't mean anything else but that or that I want something more or whatever. The only thing I do want is for us to just be okay, so don't get all senselessly deranged now. Neh.
I am just so tired. Tired of my heart breaking every time I feel we might get to a balanced and clarified level. Tired of literally going crazy and filling with hyperventilating anxiety because I really want to work this all out for good. And that is so not me now, but it's insane how in a matter of days you have managed to totally unhinge me once again. I go crazy because of how unstable you are. It gets worse every last time it happens. And sometimes thinking back on all the horrible things done in the past, I still can't believe myself for what I want. I'd forget it completely if you would just be there. Be reachable.
I called you, texted you, contacted you because I wanted to make up. For real, not just the courtesy small talk. Small talk is crap.
I wanted to apologize for all the hurtful or ugly things I've ever said or done. I wanted to say sorry for all the judgmental out of line things I said that you just put up with or took. That was undeserving.
I wanted you to just talk to me, for real. Without all the surface crap.
I'm not waiting for you anymore. I can't. You figure it out because I can't do it for the both of us anymore. I don't know, maybe I am just running again. But this is what I know. I never thought I would say this, but I brought this completely on myself, I admit defeat. But this isn't a game. It's not supposed to be.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Stop
I don't need this shit. You cannot jerk me around all the time at your convenience like this. I'm tired. So leave me alone.
Cudi Lesson
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life & love shouldn't be one of them." -Kid Cudi (the man)
Yeah, he knows what's up lol.
Yeah, he knows what's up lol.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Gratitude
Ah, thank you gym. I feel a lot better and calmer now.
I realized that whenever I don't go to the gym I become a bit unnerved.
And every little bit counts.
OneRepublic, Yes
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don't really like my flow, no, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Oh, got no reason, got no shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Post Vegas Theorizing
This weekend in Vegas, I feel is destroying me, right now. My body seriously does not recover well at all, and less now as I am growing older. And frankly speaking, I can't do this shit anymore. And with my daily meds, I fear I am killing my liver and my heart.
I wasn't planning on going because I am so utterly tired of "this life is party", but my friends get all cranky and whiny whenever I don't want to come out, play, and drink. I stress the word 'drink' by the way. They want crazy me to come back, they want me to substance abuse again with the alcohol, so that I get wild. But I'm done with that. I hardly ever want to drink anymore. They say I am boring now and they want crazy me to come back.
But, that girl is gone. It isn't who I am anymore. I am so sure of who I am now. And crazy me, I have been telling my friends, is not coming back. Personally, I think they want her to come back so they can have something consistent to talk about. It's all subconscious though, course they don't try to understand processes beneath the surface. (I have known them all long enough to know how they think, and I know by experience. Once you get into any sort of in depth conversation that requires actual neurons and thinking for one's self, they tune out) They're boring and need something fresh and new to keep them thriving I suppose, they count on it because they're too scared to live life themselves. (I mean this from the standpoint of living passed the surface gratifications) I am not boring and in fact I am quite satisfied and content with my own gained intellect and cerebral skills.
I don't need someone else to keep me happy, I make myself happy and my own luck, just by really living. And I'm guessing, in reality, they are the boring ones that are just too scared to admit it- if that's what they say. Everyone's a coward. And I am realizing it more and more the more I observe, analyze, and theorize. Course this is all speculation from my points of view, but I am often the black sheep for a reason. I think, say and do the things that people are too scared to execute for themselves. They're so scared that they consciously don't even know they are doing it. It's all so ingrained in our ideologies and minds from birth, that most people do not know any other way to live. But nonetheless, I sometimes think and consider them to be the lucky ones. They don't have to worry about any other things beyond and underneath the surface. And so they lives their lives as content as possible. I know how judgmental I sound right now, but there is more than just what is on the surface, even more than what's beneath the surface. Because it goes so much deeper than that than most people will ever realize. But I mean what I said when I said I was envious of their lives.
I wish it were all that simple for me. Yet, everything is completely contradictory and self-cyclic because there are always other angles and perspectives from it. Because if I really were as happy go lucky as they (not saying they are all the time, course everyone has their own personal turmoil, so who's to say and judge who they are, but if I were to explain every single detail for every single deducement, then my thoughts and writing would never come to conclusion, fully thinking that they are living their lives (don't get me wrong, they are living their lives, but again I am thinking of living as more than a tangible and physical action. when I say live, I mean entirely, not just physically, but so much more so, intellectually. I care more for intellectuality and metaphysics rather than anything I could ever achieve physically), then I wouldn't be who I am now. See how it all completely becomes jumbled up and loops around constantly. It'll drive a person crazy.
I have also told them that crazy me is way too unstable and I love who I am now. I love who I am, whom I have become. I feel so stable and sure now that I wouldn't give it up for anything. Course I still have bad moments, but who doesn't. The fact is, that overall, I feel emotionally and mentally healthier. Thank you for medication and affirmations.
I wasn't planning on going because I am so utterly tired of "this life is party", but my friends get all cranky and whiny whenever I don't want to come out, play, and drink. I stress the word 'drink' by the way. They want crazy me to come back, they want me to substance abuse again with the alcohol, so that I get wild. But I'm done with that. I hardly ever want to drink anymore. They say I am boring now and they want crazy me to come back.
But, that girl is gone. It isn't who I am anymore. I am so sure of who I am now. And crazy me, I have been telling my friends, is not coming back. Personally, I think they want her to come back so they can have something consistent to talk about. It's all subconscious though, course they don't try to understand processes beneath the surface. (I have known them all long enough to know how they think, and I know by experience. Once you get into any sort of in depth conversation that requires actual neurons and thinking for one's self, they tune out) They're boring and need something fresh and new to keep them thriving I suppose, they count on it because they're too scared to live life themselves. (I mean this from the standpoint of living passed the surface gratifications) I am not boring and in fact I am quite satisfied and content with my own gained intellect and cerebral skills.
I don't need someone else to keep me happy, I make myself happy and my own luck, just by really living. And I'm guessing, in reality, they are the boring ones that are just too scared to admit it- if that's what they say. Everyone's a coward. And I am realizing it more and more the more I observe, analyze, and theorize. Course this is all speculation from my points of view, but I am often the black sheep for a reason. I think, say and do the things that people are too scared to execute for themselves. They're so scared that they consciously don't even know they are doing it. It's all so ingrained in our ideologies and minds from birth, that most people do not know any other way to live. But nonetheless, I sometimes think and consider them to be the lucky ones. They don't have to worry about any other things beyond and underneath the surface. And so they lives their lives as content as possible. I know how judgmental I sound right now, but there is more than just what is on the surface, even more than what's beneath the surface. Because it goes so much deeper than that than most people will ever realize. But I mean what I said when I said I was envious of their lives.
I wish it were all that simple for me. Yet, everything is completely contradictory and self-cyclic because there are always other angles and perspectives from it. Because if I really were as happy go lucky as they (not saying they are all the time, course everyone has their own personal turmoil, so who's to say and judge who they are, but if I were to explain every single detail for every single deducement, then my thoughts and writing would never come to conclusion, fully thinking that they are living their lives (don't get me wrong, they are living their lives, but again I am thinking of living as more than a tangible and physical action. when I say live, I mean entirely, not just physically, but so much more so, intellectually. I care more for intellectuality and metaphysics rather than anything I could ever achieve physically), then I wouldn't be who I am now. See how it all completely becomes jumbled up and loops around constantly. It'll drive a person crazy.
I have also told them that crazy me is way too unstable and I love who I am now. I love who I am, whom I have become. I feel so stable and sure now that I wouldn't give it up for anything. Course I still have bad moments, but who doesn't. The fact is, that overall, I feel emotionally and mentally healthier. Thank you for medication and affirmations.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Gaga Comeback
I absolutely love this song. It's so good. The music video is a little creepy, but I like it too. It's crazy. But she hasn't had a really good song in a long time, so I'm glad this is out. I lav it, and don't you think it's so completely relevant? (well aside from the Nebraska and Jesus Christ part, to each his or her own) Rings true blue though dudes. I love how intense this song is, more so it sounds like she's belting her heart out. I love that. It's sultry and every time I listen to this song, I literally feel chills all over my body. Cheers lovers.
It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you
You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh
I’d give anything again to be your baby doll
This time I’m not leaving without you
You said sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
Made love the first time and you said to me
Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about, baby, you and I
It`s been two years since I let you go,
I couldn’t listen to a joke or rock `n roll
Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart
On my birthday you sang me a heart of gold
With a guitar humming and no clothes
This time I'm not leaving without you
Sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
Made love the first time and you said to me
Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about, baby, you and I
You and I
You, you and I
I'd rather die
Without you and I
We got a whole lot of money, but we still pay rent
‘Cause you can’t buy a house in Heaven
There’s only three men that I'mma serve my whole life
It’s my daddy and Nebraska and Jesus Christ
Something, something about the chase
Six whole years
I'm a New York woman, born to run you down
So have my lipstick all over your face
Something, something about just knowing when it's right
So put your drinks up for Nebraska
For Nebraska, Nebraska, I love you
You and I
You, you and I
Baby, I rather die
Without you and I
You and I
You, you and I
Nebraska, I rather die
Without you and I
It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you
It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you
You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh
I’d give anything again to be your baby doll
This time I’m not leaving without you
You said sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
Made love the first time and you said to me
Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about, baby, you and I
It`s been two years since I let you go,
I couldn’t listen to a joke or rock `n roll
Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart
On my birthday you sang me a heart of gold
With a guitar humming and no clothes
This time I'm not leaving without you
Sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
Made love the first time and you said to me
Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about, baby, you and I
You and I
You, you and I
I'd rather die
Without you and I
We got a whole lot of money, but we still pay rent
‘Cause you can’t buy a house in Heaven
There’s only three men that I'mma serve my whole life
It’s my daddy and Nebraska and Jesus Christ
Something, something about the chase
Six whole years
I'm a New York woman, born to run you down
So have my lipstick all over your face
Something, something about just knowing when it's right
So put your drinks up for Nebraska
For Nebraska, Nebraska, I love you
You and I
You, you and I
Baby, I rather die
Without you and I
You and I
You, you and I
Nebraska, I rather die
Without you and I
It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Real Hard Facts.. Mixed With Some Rambling
I'm sick of unlearned human beings assuming that depression, or any other personality or chemically imbalanced disorder for the matter, is pure nonsense and just being stupid and dramatic. It's not.
And I'm tired of people thinking it can be cured just like that. It can't.
You can't see emotions, so how could you really know? You can't just disregard a person for feeling the way they do.
The truth it, it's an on going daily struggle. Day by day and moment to moment. It's unpredictable, and the best anyone can do is just hang in there and ride it out. Sometimes I think that it can't ever be really cured. I feel that it's always lurking in the corner of the dark place, just waiting to see if it has an opening shot too shine again.
It isn't a game. For the ones who are real sufferers from chemical imbalances, it isn't just 'created' for attention or any other petty factors. In fact, I would rather be left alone and always unnoticed for my scars. I hate having the spotlight on me or attention. (you know me, I would so rather be in the background just chilling)
My friends bitch and whine about such petty things, like the surface things such as refusing to sit in a crowded car or something that isn't easily convenient for them. When I tell them that it isn't that big of a deal just to compromise, be flexible and adapt, they try and turn it around saying, "What if you had to do it?"
My initial and impulsive response was, "I don't care, I just don't care about shit like that." And it's true. I don't.
Because there is a bigger battle going on in my body that no one could possibly and really understand unless they have experienced it themselves.
But truth be told, I actually envy my friends that make petty and small things a bigger deal than they really should be. Because that's all there is and all that it is for them for the moment, once it's solved or resolved, it's done with and they are back to their emotionally and mentally easier lived lives, ready to take the next piece of frustration they stumble upon. I envy them because they are lucky, it could really be worse. And believe me, it really does get worse, so much more for some.
Like I said, it's an on going daily battle. A battle to stay a float, a fight to remain in control and not let yourself get back inside that dark place in your head, it's the constant struggle to get out of your mind and pull yourself back out repeatedly because you know this isn't how you were supposed to live your life, or end up. It's the unrelenting and everlasting hope every day that you will wake up and not feel the way you do, it's the hope that you will feel, if not 'happy' (what does that word even mean anyway?), but 'okay'. That all sounds fairly indifferent and baring neutral expression, but trust me, the state of being 'okay' is an epically great thing to feel on a daily basis. It's a gift that I don't take for granted, ever.
I sometimes wonder how it feels to be normal; I wonder how it feels to not have this sickness inside of me. But, whatever it may do, I still would not rather be anyone else but me. I am finally realizing that I love who I have become and who I am. I love my mind and the way it allows me to think so much differently than everyone around me. I love that, even though it becomes aware more than often when around other people, I am so not normal. Because, of how I am made, it allows me to live and see life through a completely different perspective and angle. And I meant what I said with the passing of my birthday, I refuse to ever change for anyone ever again just to make them happy. Screw it.
I change so much on a daily basis on my own accord that I don't need to be controlled and told who I should be or what I should do. That has happened to me way too much and you soon become so frustrated and filled with angst that you'd do anything just to rebel. I make it very clear that if you tell me to do something, I will make it a enforcing point to do just the opposite. I refuse to follow anyone's orders of how to live my life, regardless of the intention. You shouldn't be telling me how or whom I should be. I will be whomever and become whoever I will become as time passes. It's your decision whether or not you can handle staying and enjoying the experience.
You're with people because you love and accept who they are, just like that. You don't try and mold them into someone you wish they were, if so, go find someone else just like that and leave the other happily being himself. And if they leave, then obviously they weren't as valuable as you thought and life is just preparing you for the worthy ones to come. It's ultimately your own decision to want to change (for the better hopefully). I say, just try to live your life being the best possible person you can be. I am.
And I'm tired of people thinking it can be cured just like that. It can't.
You can't see emotions, so how could you really know? You can't just disregard a person for feeling the way they do.
The truth it, it's an on going daily struggle. Day by day and moment to moment. It's unpredictable, and the best anyone can do is just hang in there and ride it out. Sometimes I think that it can't ever be really cured. I feel that it's always lurking in the corner of the dark place, just waiting to see if it has an opening shot too shine again.
It isn't a game. For the ones who are real sufferers from chemical imbalances, it isn't just 'created' for attention or any other petty factors. In fact, I would rather be left alone and always unnoticed for my scars. I hate having the spotlight on me or attention. (you know me, I would so rather be in the background just chilling)
My friends bitch and whine about such petty things, like the surface things such as refusing to sit in a crowded car or something that isn't easily convenient for them. When I tell them that it isn't that big of a deal just to compromise, be flexible and adapt, they try and turn it around saying, "What if you had to do it?"
My initial and impulsive response was, "I don't care, I just don't care about shit like that." And it's true. I don't.
Because there is a bigger battle going on in my body that no one could possibly and really understand unless they have experienced it themselves.
But truth be told, I actually envy my friends that make petty and small things a bigger deal than they really should be. Because that's all there is and all that it is for them for the moment, once it's solved or resolved, it's done with and they are back to their emotionally and mentally easier lived lives, ready to take the next piece of frustration they stumble upon. I envy them because they are lucky, it could really be worse. And believe me, it really does get worse, so much more for some.
Like I said, it's an on going daily battle. A battle to stay a float, a fight to remain in control and not let yourself get back inside that dark place in your head, it's the constant struggle to get out of your mind and pull yourself back out repeatedly because you know this isn't how you were supposed to live your life, or end up. It's the unrelenting and everlasting hope every day that you will wake up and not feel the way you do, it's the hope that you will feel, if not 'happy' (what does that word even mean anyway?), but 'okay'. That all sounds fairly indifferent and baring neutral expression, but trust me, the state of being 'okay' is an epically great thing to feel on a daily basis. It's a gift that I don't take for granted, ever.
I sometimes wonder how it feels to be normal; I wonder how it feels to not have this sickness inside of me. But, whatever it may do, I still would not rather be anyone else but me. I am finally realizing that I love who I have become and who I am. I love my mind and the way it allows me to think so much differently than everyone around me. I love that, even though it becomes aware more than often when around other people, I am so not normal. Because, of how I am made, it allows me to live and see life through a completely different perspective and angle. And I meant what I said with the passing of my birthday, I refuse to ever change for anyone ever again just to make them happy. Screw it.
I change so much on a daily basis on my own accord that I don't need to be controlled and told who I should be or what I should do. That has happened to me way too much and you soon become so frustrated and filled with angst that you'd do anything just to rebel. I make it very clear that if you tell me to do something, I will make it a enforcing point to do just the opposite. I refuse to follow anyone's orders of how to live my life, regardless of the intention. You shouldn't be telling me how or whom I should be. I will be whomever and become whoever I will become as time passes. It's your decision whether or not you can handle staying and enjoying the experience.
You're with people because you love and accept who they are, just like that. You don't try and mold them into someone you wish they were, if so, go find someone else just like that and leave the other happily being himself. And if they leave, then obviously they weren't as valuable as you thought and life is just preparing you for the worthy ones to come. It's ultimately your own decision to want to change (for the better hopefully). I say, just try to live your life being the best possible person you can be. I am.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Adieu
We've grown apart, and I'm tired of trying while you don't. You're supposed to be the sister I never had, but you've never really acted like one.
My philosophy is that I treat my friends and people the way I would like to be treated. It has always been that way. But that just might be my own downfall, but it's never going to change. I adamantly believe in good karma and being the bigger person.
I should've known better in high school the first time you fucked me over, your supposed best friend, for a guy friend while siding with the majority after I was singled the scapegoat. You causing all that drama while I still stuck by you always, then after, you yourself turning, on me- too scared as always to stand alone for the right reasons. You're always going to choose the opposite gender over me, even though I'd take a bullet for you, it doesn't matter. You get angry when I say you don't know me, but you don't anymore. How can you really know who am I if one, you're never around to see it, and two, if you never really listen to what I have to say. It's been too long, we can't consider ourselves best blood (blood is the strongest tie there is) anymore, who are we kidding. And we've been subconsciously feigning for too long. I suppose trying to live up to the ideal. When we haven't really been consistent in each other's lives for more than 4 years.
I've brought these issues up repeatedly, but of course, I being you, you refuse to listen. You, only hear the first pary, don't ike it, and refuse to finish listening to the rest.
I finally gave up today. I'm not doing this with you anymore. I can't believe you actually said you weren't even trying anymore to understand me. What the fuck is that. That is the very moment I gave up on you and relented. I succumbed to the circumstances. I can't believe you let another guy friend come between us. So much for being 'best friends.'
What's the point, of everything, if you stop trying with your true friends?
Simple, there isn't one.
And I know, you have never truly been there for me when I really needed you, though I've given you every part of my empathy. Empathy, I'm beginning to think that, it's really a curse, it enables perpetual forgiveness. It makes people step all over you, your entire life. It makes you too entirely selfless. How can you be in control of and live your own life like that, when you're giving all of yourself away? When you're too busy caring about others to care for yourself. But the thing is, while you've never been there for me, during that time, I found myself. I'vr bern, alone my entire life, never having anyone, not even my family there to help me grow up, but for some stroke of good fortune, I realize that I found and now have my independence, my strong will, my confidence, and my real support.
I'm tired of being so completely disregarded, even for my entire life.
I'm tired of dragging it out when it's not working.
And I won't do it anymore.
Just got to accept a situation that cannot be changed for what it is and move on.
I've changed so much, even this past month, but how would you know that when you never make a simple effort to try. It takes two to maintain any relationship, especially a true friendship.
You're always saying that my will is so much stronger than yours, I am sorry, but I cannot carry us both anymore. Especially when you don't try. This is my life and it's time I completely start living for me rather than for others. It's my life, so why shouldn't my own actions and thought pertain to me.
I'm not playing this game anymore where you refuse to listen and admit fault because you're too stubborn and then I feel guilty horrible for just telling you the truth. You said you just don't want to hear it, but if you can't speak your mind openly and honestly, then what's the point and foundation of the relationship? True friends tell you the truth 'cause no one else will. There shouldn't be any need for censoring. You shouldn't feel like you aren't allowed to speak your mind or share, no one should be hindered like that. No one should have feel restricted, isn't friendship supposed to be open, trusting and accepting? Friendship shouldn't be a power struggle or ugly competition. We have grown apart and I realize that I am no different without you. You haven't really been around for 5 years. It makes no difference now.
The thing is, I really feel sorry for you because you need someone. But I am not sorry that I don't.
I'm sorry, but I'm finally so over it.
No scornful spite, no grudge, just a simple parting for the best.
Update***
I finally found out who you really are today. How our entire friendship has been a lie, with me being the fool on the other end. I am such a fucking idiot for trying to believe in the good in you. I just cannot believe I allowed myself to be manipulated by you.
I'm tired of hoping one day you'll live the straight life and stop being so innately and naturally devious. You are so goddamn manipulative and fake. You're a liar and I cannot believe I let you walk all over me and play me for 10 fucking years. I'm tired of believing in your fucking goodness that turns out was never there to begin with. You are so goddamn fake it is sickening. I don't understand how you can be so naturally devious.
You were supposed to be my sister. 10 fucking years, and you haven't changed a bit.
I guess I've always known, but with friends, you accept who they are no matter what because the friendship is supposed to be that much greater. But I guess in this case, it's just always you fucking people over.
I am entirely over and so finally and fully aware of your manipulative nature. I am such a goddamn sucker. A fucking fool for always believing the best in everyone. But there are some things that will never change and I don't ever want to have anything to do with you ever again. Yes we'll still be friends, but I will never bend over backwards for you or treat you better than I treat myself ever again. You are not my best friend and will never be treated and considered so ever again; you have never treated me well or like a best friend should.You have never been there when I truly needed you, in fact, you're never there. I should've known better than to have forgiven you and trusted you again without fault. You cannot go around treating decent human beings as if they aren't. What gets me the most is that you are so used to this conniving nature that you don't even think about it or plan ahead before you take action, you just do it because that's who and how you are. Of course I will be courteous and mature about all this. I will engage in common etiquette when our paths cross, but besides that, you're just another person on the outside to me.
Your true colors have shown, I just hope to god that one day you realize what you do and want to change for the better to become a good person. Because if you keep this up, in the end, you'll have no one left.
My philosophy is that I treat my friends and people the way I would like to be treated. It has always been that way. But that just might be my own downfall, but it's never going to change. I adamantly believe in good karma and being the bigger person.
I should've known better in high school the first time you fucked me over, your supposed best friend, for a guy friend while siding with the majority after I was singled the scapegoat. You causing all that drama while I still stuck by you always, then after, you yourself turning, on me- too scared as always to stand alone for the right reasons. You're always going to choose the opposite gender over me, even though I'd take a bullet for you, it doesn't matter. You get angry when I say you don't know me, but you don't anymore. How can you really know who am I if one, you're never around to see it, and two, if you never really listen to what I have to say. It's been too long, we can't consider ourselves best blood (blood is the strongest tie there is) anymore, who are we kidding. And we've been subconsciously feigning for too long. I suppose trying to live up to the ideal. When we haven't really been consistent in each other's lives for more than 4 years.
I've brought these issues up repeatedly, but of course, I being you, you refuse to listen. You, only hear the first pary, don't ike it, and refuse to finish listening to the rest.
I finally gave up today. I'm not doing this with you anymore. I can't believe you actually said you weren't even trying anymore to understand me. What the fuck is that. That is the very moment I gave up on you and relented. I succumbed to the circumstances. I can't believe you let another guy friend come between us. So much for being 'best friends.'
What's the point, of everything, if you stop trying with your true friends?
Simple, there isn't one.
And I know, you have never truly been there for me when I really needed you, though I've given you every part of my empathy. Empathy, I'm beginning to think that, it's really a curse, it enables perpetual forgiveness. It makes people step all over you, your entire life. It makes you too entirely selfless. How can you be in control of and live your own life like that, when you're giving all of yourself away? When you're too busy caring about others to care for yourself. But the thing is, while you've never been there for me, during that time, I found myself. I'vr bern, alone my entire life, never having anyone, not even my family there to help me grow up, but for some stroke of good fortune, I realize that I found and now have my independence, my strong will, my confidence, and my real support.
I'm tired of being so completely disregarded, even for my entire life.
I'm tired of dragging it out when it's not working.
And I won't do it anymore.
Just got to accept a situation that cannot be changed for what it is and move on.
I've changed so much, even this past month, but how would you know that when you never make a simple effort to try. It takes two to maintain any relationship, especially a true friendship.
You're always saying that my will is so much stronger than yours, I am sorry, but I cannot carry us both anymore. Especially when you don't try. This is my life and it's time I completely start living for me rather than for others. It's my life, so why shouldn't my own actions and thought pertain to me.
I'm not playing this game anymore where you refuse to listen and admit fault because you're too stubborn and then I feel guilty horrible for just telling you the truth. You said you just don't want to hear it, but if you can't speak your mind openly and honestly, then what's the point and foundation of the relationship? True friends tell you the truth 'cause no one else will. There shouldn't be any need for censoring. You shouldn't feel like you aren't allowed to speak your mind or share, no one should be hindered like that. No one should have feel restricted, isn't friendship supposed to be open, trusting and accepting? Friendship shouldn't be a power struggle or ugly competition. We have grown apart and I realize that I am no different without you. You haven't really been around for 5 years. It makes no difference now.
The thing is, I really feel sorry for you because you need someone. But I am not sorry that I don't.
I'm sorry, but I'm finally so over it.
No scornful spite, no grudge, just a simple parting for the best.
Update***
I finally found out who you really are today. How our entire friendship has been a lie, with me being the fool on the other end. I am such a fucking idiot for trying to believe in the good in you. I just cannot believe I allowed myself to be manipulated by you.
I'm tired of hoping one day you'll live the straight life and stop being so innately and naturally devious. You are so goddamn manipulative and fake. You're a liar and I cannot believe I let you walk all over me and play me for 10 fucking years. I'm tired of believing in your fucking goodness that turns out was never there to begin with. You are so goddamn fake it is sickening. I don't understand how you can be so naturally devious.
You were supposed to be my sister. 10 fucking years, and you haven't changed a bit.
I guess I've always known, but with friends, you accept who they are no matter what because the friendship is supposed to be that much greater. But I guess in this case, it's just always you fucking people over.
I am entirely over and so finally and fully aware of your manipulative nature. I am such a goddamn sucker. A fucking fool for always believing the best in everyone. But there are some things that will never change and I don't ever want to have anything to do with you ever again. Yes we'll still be friends, but I will never bend over backwards for you or treat you better than I treat myself ever again. You are not my best friend and will never be treated and considered so ever again; you have never treated me well or like a best friend should.You have never been there when I truly needed you, in fact, you're never there. I should've known better than to have forgiven you and trusted you again without fault. You cannot go around treating decent human beings as if they aren't. What gets me the most is that you are so used to this conniving nature that you don't even think about it or plan ahead before you take action, you just do it because that's who and how you are. Of course I will be courteous and mature about all this. I will engage in common etiquette when our paths cross, but besides that, you're just another person on the outside to me.
Your true colors have shown, I just hope to god that one day you realize what you do and want to change for the better to become a good person. Because if you keep this up, in the end, you'll have no one left.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Vultures
By far, one of the best songs ever from him. This one never gets old. Great stuff to listen to really late at night.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Just Sayin'
Full on 'just doing me from now on and being true to myself- the acceptance of my destined greatness' has successfully launched and is thriving as of the passing of my birthday. And I feel, light. I think the entire 7 days in Hawaii might've changed my life and perspective on everything. And I am letting go of caring about what others think about me. And I need to not be afraid to just let myself be happy. My mood has improved exponentially within days, have my meds finally been working? I have not been trying to be happy or feel better, It's just happening, I suppose it has something to do with my bodily cerebral chemicals or some shit. Even my friends last night commented on how great a mood I was in, so I guess it was big enough mood alteration for them to notice the bubbly demeanor. Neh, haha. Don't get me wrong, I am taking all necessary precautions. The last thing I need is another instance of my naivety making a special appearance. But, my life right now, it's a new chapter while the past is just a detached memory now. By the way, completely just letting loose, turning the music up, and dancing it out home alone? Yeah, extremely liberating, empowering, and completely awesome. Just Sayin'.
Oh, and yesterday I made the decision to write a book in 7 years. Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.
Oh, and yesterday I made the decision to write a book in 7 years. Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.
Revamp
I just wanted a new entry, just so the last one wouldn't be the last pathetic words I said on this blog. I hate when I let myself become that sad girl, it's so utterly frustrating to even see myself like that, I just want to blow raspberries every time it happens haha. Anyway, last night was fun. It was great. I am the luckiest girl in the world with the best friends and most unconditional love sent from parents anyone could ever ask for. This is your life, right now at this moment. So just go with it. When did it become a crime to let yourself be happy? Does everything always have to be made into a tragedy for it to seem even remotely real?I mean how many more times are you going to say goodbye? Is it because the messier it is the more honest everything becomes? I believe it's true though, that possibly through complete turmoil, can you really come out different and change for the better and really begin to understand life in its entirety. Great thing happen to those who can get through the bad shit. By the way, slight tangent, you all have been exposed to the new bro sensation that is taking the world by storm right now right? Well I've got to tell you, reading bro tips from brotips.com makes me feel fantastic and they are so entirely honest and real, the relevancy of truth wrapped in packaged optimism is astounding. They may (or should, haha yeah shut up, my group and I have completely bought into the bro sensation, in fact my friends have just invented the term "bro-style", so if you ever hear it anywhere, you know where it began haha) become a daily staple of objectives to live by. And I love the fact that it has completely taken back the word bro (albeit given it a great chilled comedic twist to match the fast paced new modern generation of youth today, it also subtracts the serious tension from everything, as how life should be, life shouldn't be too serious nahmean?) for what it is supposed to stand for when it is usually known to be just another synonym for 'douchebag tool', yeahh, you know what I'm talking about. If not, well then maybe it's just a Southern California thing haha. Anyway, so if you ever feel like shit, give it a try. If it doesn't make you feel better, it'll at least give you a few laughs.
Womp Womp
I don't know how to or honestly want to let you go. At all. And the scary thing is, you probably more than likely, already know that. Everything, everything. Frightening, isn't it? But I will, let you go, if I really have to. And eventually, it will end up good. Everything should always be so. If it isn't good, then it's not the end. <3 This is it, the last push. I'll always remember everything, it's written in my DNA to remember the things that have mattered most to me, no matter how much I wish to forget, no matter how much I desire to expunge the unwanted regret or experience. But you, as much as I say it's regret, it's really not. No more games, this is it. This is it, all laid out, down, on the line. I miss you, I may always will until a full decade passes, but life doesn't stop when you feel you have stopped. And I need real tangible and substantial life for me to keep me perpetually going. Or else I will wither away. I will end up ending in some form or another. I just want to know your part. I want you to speak your mind. I want you to actually talk to me, for real. Not some best around the bush bullshit smalltalk. And, if you don't feel the same, well that completely is fine too. Because at least the unanswered questions will have been answered and settled with. And I won't have this kept in the back of my mind any longer. There are two sides to everything, even more. A side that doesn't see any point since there is nothing left to say, and the another part where there are so many things left unsaid. And then all the other little parts. This kind of thing isn't healthy. But life is life and you handle whatever comes your way. And honestly, I will be completely good with whatever one, as long as it's the truth. But either way, don't do me any favors. This is my life. People are only responsible for their own lives and the decisions they choose and fully execute. So embrace it and keep moving forward. <3
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And Then Some
There are so many guys, but honestly, as much as my friends try and enable, I am only subject to my own will. I am fully not interested in becoming involved at all. I have no interest of becoming involved whatsoever. They all try and hook me up with anyone cute, but to be honest, I am not interested at all. I told them that I am not dating right now and they try to fight it, I tell them that I am so completely disinterested in all this crap, but yet they still try and refuse to accept my embraced lifestyle. I guess this is something they will just have to get used to. Because as of now and since several several months ago since I've mentioned, I meant what I said.
Now it will only take the most special case to sway me into positive and oppositely reluctant positivity.
I meant what I said. I am waiting for love. Real love. The kind you cannot live without. I am looking for a real love to last. In this day and age, it almost seems impossible. I constantly miss a time that seems to have never really existed. But, the expansive boundaries and incredible capabilities of a human mind and cultivating intellect are so adaptable and giving (if you let it) that, especially in this rough era, I can't help but believe that there is so much more to life than this relentless idealized golden life of which we are all "supposed to" strive towards. It's such crap. I feel it within my bones and in ever molecule and connected string of my specified bodily make up. The old soul idealist in me refuses to give up. Because when it happens, he'll have me entirely body and soul without a doubt in my mind.
No idea, but I absolutely LOVE this song. It's been weeks, so many, and I still cannot get sick of it. Maybe because it was in the One Day trailer and I'm completely biased. But hey, it's a great song nonetheless. Listen to the collective collaboration of sounds and intricate details that piece it all together. The formulated beginning of different experimented easy listening sounds. I say, the simpler it seems, the more complicated it is to create. (with anything, food. blah blah, etc.) I love the whistles added to the chorus, I love the chorus, I love the verses. Well done One Republic. <3 Kinda of cool man. (:
"Hopelessly,
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss.
Hopelessly,
I feel like the window closes oh so quick.
Hopelessly,
I'm taking a mental picture of you now.
'Cause hopelessly,
The hope is we have so much to feel good about."
Now it will only take the most special case to sway me into positive and oppositely reluctant positivity.
I meant what I said. I am waiting for love. Real love. The kind you cannot live without. I am looking for a real love to last. In this day and age, it almost seems impossible. I constantly miss a time that seems to have never really existed. But, the expansive boundaries and incredible capabilities of a human mind and cultivating intellect are so adaptable and giving (if you let it) that, especially in this rough era, I can't help but believe that there is so much more to life than this relentless idealized golden life of which we are all "supposed to" strive towards. It's such crap. I feel it within my bones and in ever molecule and connected string of my specified bodily make up. The old soul idealist in me refuses to give up. Because when it happens, he'll have me entirely body and soul without a doubt in my mind.
No idea, but I absolutely LOVE this song. It's been weeks, so many, and I still cannot get sick of it. Maybe because it was in the One Day trailer and I'm completely biased. But hey, it's a great song nonetheless. Listen to the collective collaboration of sounds and intricate details that piece it all together. The formulated beginning of different experimented easy listening sounds. I say, the simpler it seems, the more complicated it is to create. (with anything, food. blah blah, etc.) I love the whistles added to the chorus, I love the chorus, I love the verses. Well done One Republic. <3 Kinda of cool man. (:
"Hopelessly,
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss.
Hopelessly,
I feel like the window closes oh so quick.
Hopelessly,
I'm taking a mental picture of you now.
'Cause hopelessly,
The hope is we have so much to feel good about."
Spice Love Foreverrrrr, Because These Loves Last, Forever
I don't know why, but this song always make me feel like a million percent brightly better and utterly fantastic. It brings back the warm and fuzzies. I love this song, it's one of my favorite. It always puts me in a good mood. Well done Spice Girls of the 90s.
Friday, September 9, 2011
The Onset Of Old Age?
I don't know if it's because the passing of my birthday was in fact a marking of a new chapter in my life (at least it feels like it), or what, but all I know is that I have been in a great mood ever since I woke up at 7a.m. on Wednesday. I feel rejuvenated, free, happy, and calm all at the same time. As if all the pieces have suddenly clicked into place. Albeit my life is still a mess, my state of mind is somewhat on a more blissful and circumventing path at present. It's pretty nice to feel this stable, and so completely gratifying. I feel whole and sure of myself. It is as if I'm not afraid to be the crazy, weird, and random girl, I have been my entire life, anymore. It's becoming easier to open up to those closest to me now, whereas before I had this whole other side they would've never thought to have pieced together. It's becoming easier and rushing towards me without lingering regret if I had said too much or if it wasn't what was wanted to be shared. I'm working on the true acceptance of my self-worth. I know I'm great, hell, I'm friggen amazing, and cute to boot, but I need to really believe it wholeheartedly (with my entire internal being) too. It's getting there.
I feel like this is a new chapter of me just being true and not just being, but embracing who I truly am, because that's okay. It's more than okay. I don't know if it's my meds working, or the Hawaiian sun, or whatever, but I feel good, recharged. So let's just go with it shall we?
By the by, my great friends have apparently planned a sort of 'surprise' outing tonight in L.A. for me to celebrate my past birthday. I'm pretty lucky I would say, in my circumstances. My greatest fear that is at the back of my heart prickling at me as if it's waiting to descend, is that this feeling is only temporary. But nothing is permanent, everything is a constant right? Anyway, I'm just going to go with this high and ride it out as long as possible, because I haven't felt this good in a really long time. I just hope the alcohol consumption tonight won't counter these highs the next day as it usually does, my friend have made it clear that I am going to get thoroughly messed up tonight. (thought I really don't want to, in fact I sort of don't like drinking too much anymore to be honest, maybe it's just me maturing? who knows) Anyway, I need to stop worrying because the worrying is bringing me down. Cheers lovers and happy Friday. <3
I feel like this is a new chapter of me just being true and not just being, but embracing who I truly am, because that's okay. It's more than okay. I don't know if it's my meds working, or the Hawaiian sun, or whatever, but I feel good, recharged. So let's just go with it shall we?
By the by, my great friends have apparently planned a sort of 'surprise' outing tonight in L.A. for me to celebrate my past birthday. I'm pretty lucky I would say, in my circumstances. My greatest fear that is at the back of my heart prickling at me as if it's waiting to descend, is that this feeling is only temporary. But nothing is permanent, everything is a constant right? Anyway, I'm just going to go with this high and ride it out as long as possible, because I haven't felt this good in a really long time. I just hope the alcohol consumption tonight won't counter these highs the next day as it usually does, my friend have made it clear that I am going to get thoroughly messed up tonight. (thought I really don't want to, in fact I sort of don't like drinking too much anymore to be honest, maybe it's just me maturing? who knows) Anyway, I need to stop worrying because the worrying is bringing me down. Cheers lovers and happy Friday. <3
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Circled Validity
Love is for suckers, and in this life, we're all one. Our selfish innate need to take the bait, for the hope of a single window of opportunity, for the held breath possibility, this is what spurns and nurtures our downfall. Yes, love is for suckers, but it's all we need. (: Just ask The Beatles. (or at least Paul) Not being able to shake the eternal optimist persona isn't really bad in truth.
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Long Time Coming Now Part Duex
Strangest thing. I find myself opening up, a lot more actually. And easily. (only to those I let close to me though) Revealing deep secrets I have so buried within me, like I have nothing to hide anymore, as if I am so completely ready and unashamed of my dark past and demeanor- I only hope in the long run I don't regret sharing, but at least I don't right now. I feel this warmth radiating from my chest. It's a good, positive and feel good warmth coursing through me. The kind you wish never to cease circulating through your veins. I perceive this to be a good thing and possibly part of the healing process? To get to the inside, I supposed you need to break through the physically exterior outside first. The strength of my own self-willed mentality actually surprises even myself. Pulling myself out of it, after this past year where I hit rock bottom. A low of all lows to be coined the term, rock bottom. I had never felt a low like that before, ever. Boy was it bad. But, I'm better now, so much better. I just can't believe I actually managed to pull myself out of it, time and time again- on my own accord of course (my stubborn self refuses to ask or accept help), at least for now. I feel like I am regaining my bearings again. I only hope this lasts, but with my emotionally borderline personality, you never know. But like I say, if at first you don't succeed, fucking keep trying. Here's to a real break.
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A. Book Sweetness
Oh Asher Book, you little cutie you. (way to go Fame for introducing him!) You can stay. ;)
If I walk, would you run
If I stop, would you come
If I say you're the one, would you believe me
If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.
The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move, 'cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
If I sing you a song, would you sing along
Or wait till I'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful.
Am I catching up to you
While your running away to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
I will try for your love
I can hide up above
If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you're the one would you believe me
I love these from him. Someone To Watch Over Me is my favorite from him. (I love old songs! it won me over just like that) His voice is just.. like, heaven. Haha, sorry I am at a loss for words. I know right? Unfathomable, me, a loss for words. Neh, you win some you lose some. He's so cute though right? Find someone who can serenade you like that, and keep him forever.
All hail all saps. Embrace it, you know you all love sappiness one way or another. Just don't let it get too warm and gooey/cheesy, then that just makes me yack.
If I walk, would you run
If I stop, would you come
If I say you're the one, would you believe me
If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.
The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move, 'cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
If I sing you a song, would you sing along
Or wait till I'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful.
Am I catching up to you
While your running away to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
I will try for your love
I can hide up above
If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you're the one would you believe me
I love these from him. Someone To Watch Over Me is my favorite from him. (I love old songs! it won me over just like that) His voice is just.. like, heaven. Haha, sorry I am at a loss for words. I know right? Unfathomable, me, a loss for words. Neh, you win some you lose some. He's so cute though right? Find someone who can serenade you like that, and keep him forever.
All hail all saps. Embrace it, you know you all love sappiness one way or another. Just don't let it get too warm and gooey/cheesy, then that just makes me yack.
Hah, Sureee
Yeah, right. If only it were that easy. Dumbass. Oh these crappy useless words of wisdom that never cease to not give us any glimmer, if not but a drop of pretentious hope.
Birth Day Mirth Day
Today I am 23 years old, officially a whole year older. Holy shit man.
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Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Long Time Coming Now
This topic and entry has been a long time coming now, I have been meaning to write about this (among many other things I've kept in my mind of which I have been meaning to write down) and feel like it's time to finally make it permanent.
You all know about my erratic and violent masochistic relationship I have with myself as well as all of the wracked up scars and marks on my body. And most of the time I just wait until the wound has healed for me to cut into it again. And this year I gave myself a major one on my leg in the pattern of a criss-cross which everyone believes to be an accidental bbg grill burn. Yeah, the one that I have no recollection of actually making, the one where I had no idea just how much damage I actually created. Anyway, as of several weeks ago, I have begun the process of removing these scars as well as the latest one on my left forearm. It's apparently an 8 step process, 4 shots of highly potent steroids in the span of a month apart from one another, and then 4 appointments of laser treatment. It's supposed to take 8 months total to completely be gone.
At first I did not know how to feel about all this, not very certain of myself and if the ugly marks on my body, of which I have become very accustomed to, would ever truly go away.
So I have already had my first shot of steroids and it has been a couple weeks already. I have to say, I am actually quite astonished at it's immediate progress. The dermatologist was definitely not kidding when he said that it was a severely strong steroid. It's meant to kill/eat tissue, and in my case, eat away excess scar tissue of my keloid scars.
I am just utterly amazed and blown away. The doctor said on the smaller scars that we needed to take extra care because too much would result in an indentation in the skin of too much tissue eradication. From the looks of my scars, they have flattened immensely. The smaller ones are completely flat and consistently smoothed in with my pristine skin.
But okay, the real purpose of this entry is more so to comment on a small revelation.
As I witness the healing of my scars day by day, I realize that I am so completely ready to be healed- inside and out. I came to this realization a couple weeks ago that I am ready to just leave the aching past behind, at least the things I have control over that have been troubling me for the past year and a half, the situations in my own life, not by running from them though, by facing them and fixing them head on if possible or to just leave it alone and forget. But of course that is always easier said and yearned than done. It's always more complicated than that and lingering emotions always seem to have the ability to drag you back if not unknowingly.
I know I have a long way to go, a really long way to go, but slowly and surely the realization is becoming stronger. The motivation is growing, so in due time I will find the full courage needed for me to actively seek out to properly smooth out the transition and execute the precautions to eventually save myself.
You all know about my erratic and violent masochistic relationship I have with myself as well as all of the wracked up scars and marks on my body. And most of the time I just wait until the wound has healed for me to cut into it again. And this year I gave myself a major one on my leg in the pattern of a criss-cross which everyone believes to be an accidental bbg grill burn. Yeah, the one that I have no recollection of actually making, the one where I had no idea just how much damage I actually created. Anyway, as of several weeks ago, I have begun the process of removing these scars as well as the latest one on my left forearm. It's apparently an 8 step process, 4 shots of highly potent steroids in the span of a month apart from one another, and then 4 appointments of laser treatment. It's supposed to take 8 months total to completely be gone.
At first I did not know how to feel about all this, not very certain of myself and if the ugly marks on my body, of which I have become very accustomed to, would ever truly go away.
So I have already had my first shot of steroids and it has been a couple weeks already. I have to say, I am actually quite astonished at it's immediate progress. The dermatologist was definitely not kidding when he said that it was a severely strong steroid. It's meant to kill/eat tissue, and in my case, eat away excess scar tissue of my keloid scars.
I am just utterly amazed and blown away. The doctor said on the smaller scars that we needed to take extra care because too much would result in an indentation in the skin of too much tissue eradication. From the looks of my scars, they have flattened immensely. The smaller ones are completely flat and consistently smoothed in with my pristine skin.
But okay, the real purpose of this entry is more so to comment on a small revelation.
As I witness the healing of my scars day by day, I realize that I am so completely ready to be healed- inside and out. I came to this realization a couple weeks ago that I am ready to just leave the aching past behind, at least the things I have control over that have been troubling me for the past year and a half, the situations in my own life, not by running from them though, by facing them and fixing them head on if possible or to just leave it alone and forget. But of course that is always easier said and yearned than done. It's always more complicated than that and lingering emotions always seem to have the ability to drag you back if not unknowingly.
I know I have a long way to go, a really long way to go, but slowly and surely the realization is becoming stronger. The motivation is growing, so in due time I will find the full courage needed for me to actively seek out to properly smooth out the transition and execute the precautions to eventually save myself.
A Little Country
Hey, shut up, country can be good too and this just came on my Itunes shuffle, hits a note at 2:56a.m. Think for yourselves and don't follow the majority. You'll stick out like a sore thumb (trust me, I know), rub a few people the wrong way, but at least you'll know who you are and what you stand for. Plus, this was a pretty great movie, I love Gwyneth Paltrow and Leighton Meester.
I'm gonna wear you down
I'm gonna make you see
I'm gonna get to you
You're gonna give into me
I'm gonna start a fire
You're gonna feel the heat
I'm gonna burn for you
You're gonna melt for me
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me
You're gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you're ever sad
I'll make you laugh
I'll chase the hurt
My heart is set on you
I don't want no one else
And if you don't want me
I guess I'll be all by myself
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me
I'll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I'm under your skin
I'll use my lips, I'll use my arms
Come on
Give in to me
I'm gonna wear you down
I'm gonna make you see
I'm gonna get to you
You're gonna give into me
I'm gonna start a fire
You're gonna feel the heat
I'm gonna burn for you
You're gonna melt for me
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me
You're gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you're ever sad
I'll make you laugh
I'll chase the hurt
My heart is set on you
I don't want no one else
And if you don't want me
I guess I'll be all by myself
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me
I'll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I'm under your skin
I'll use my lips, I'll use my arms
Come on
Give in to me
Dex And Em, Em And Dex
Anyway, this book has made it onto my top favorite books list. You know, the absolute favorites, I'm talking about top 5, although my collection of favorites is expanding by the moment. The tops include those such as The Bell Jar, Suki Kim's The Interpreter, Paint It Black, and The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets, those are like the absolute favorite favorites that I reread all the time so much that I often wear out the binding, covers, and pages.
Anyway, this book left me with a feeling of heartbreaking longing. It was just so beautiful- the concept and character development I mean. I stayed up all night reading and then finishing it because I just did not want to put it down, and then I laid down on my bed wide awake, just thinking about it in complete awe and bittersweet sentimentality, completely just blown away by the turn of events for a good 15 if not more minutes. It's like when after you walk out of seeing a really good movie at the theaters for the first time, yeah, that good. It doesn't hurt that I have quite a fondness for Jim Sturgess after watching and hearing his beautiful voice in Across the Universe a long time ago. I don't kid when I say that I would in a heartbeat so rather choose someone who could sing rather than dance well, if could at all. You can't really trust a good dancer, because they're good, and they know it too. I'm a sucker for a sweet voice and if he's a clumsy dancer at that, well then I think that would be even more endearing. I think it's because of the whole words being so important to the female gender- and to me especially.
Back to the subject, David Nicholls seriously knew what he was doing to pull at my all too empathetic heart strings. As it has emerged, I have evolved and become a person who cries all too easily now, at anything that manages to easily get to me. Odd, but comfortably embraced. Beneath my diamond-like tough exterior resides the truth of me- a soft realness that is more sensitive and fully stubborn than she ever wants to let on.
But anyway, so amazing that I needed to comment. And as I am back from Hawaii as of late last night, back on the grind of loathsome reality to try and tap into my full greatness.
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