Hahahaha sorry, this is too great not to share. Quick warm and fuzzy for you, enjoy. I want this in mp3 so badly so I can play it in my car while driving 'cause that's the kind of silly person I am. Yeah, I do.
It's the little things homies that make moments in life amazing. Pay attention so you can find them, relish as long as you can, then when it's over with, let it go.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Love Update And Then Some.. Rambling
Or rather a lack of love thereof by choice update. I just figured since I haven't archived what I've been doing these past couple months so as long as I am in a entry posting mode (though unfortunately not in a really inspirational free verse mode- so please bear with my very messily unorganized thoughts and basic vernacular), I might as well mention a little something. These are ultimately the days of our lives haha.
A couple months ago I decided that I did not want to deal with anything having to do with participatory infatuation/lust/love/etc. Basically I just rolled up the invisible ball of drama and threw it up in the air along with my hands. I did away with all the ones on the side and the ones not on the side. Cut them all off. Deleted, ignored, and banished from my mind. Because I wanted to. But of course these are the ones who don't mean anything. Because the one(s) that do or did, t(he)y aren't (isn't) in my life anymore and haven't (hasn't) been for quite some time. But that's a different story not for this entry.
Why did I do that? Simple.
I came to a halting realization and truth that, I absolutely don't want to date right now, at all. I don't want to deal with any of it and don't want to have to. I just want to handle myself by myself. (to be honest, I think I also might be quite incapable of opening myself to anyone new anyway- but that's besides the point and purpose)
I meant it, and still do. This objective has been completely met and is still ongoing with the committed promise to myself. There have been many potential suitors (there always will be, but they're all not good enough- I refuse to settle when they're not the right one. Hence to doing away with it all. This isn't being picky, it's just knowing what you want and what you don't want), but even so I have refused to indulge in my slightly sparked interests. But we all know my horrible taste in men, so if I am the least bit attracted then that must mean he's an asshole. But it wouldn't matter if someone came along that managed to catch my eye, because I still wouldn't and won't become involved. And I haven't, I've actually been quite good in this department. I have been completely free. Pretty proud of myself haha. But, I honestly do not want to date right now and probably won't want to for a very long time. I just want to work on my own self improvement for now, moment to moment.
I want to be better in my entirety. I have quit smoking, though albeit I do indulge if I partake in drinking social festivities. But thing is, I'm tired of all this. Tired of all the same crap. Tired of alcohol and the terrible and embarrassingly consequential comical experiences. Tired of slowly killing my body. Tired of slowly killing myself. I don't want to drink anymore. It is and will be very tough to implement, but I want this to happen. I have already started slowly, but it does have it's occasional relapses. I am 22 years old after all. It is way too easy to let drinking get out of hand because the moment you begin, the pace just moves quicker and quicker until you find yourself in the inebriated state you had been trying to avoid all night long to begin with. So hopefully with the discontinuation of alcohol consumption, the cigarette smoking will too cease as well. But more importantly, I can't get completely better if I don't quit drinking. Alcohol is a true depressant and that's exactly what I am trying to combat. After a full night of drinking, I end up feeling even worse than I did before. My depression elevates to unbearable levels. No bueno if you ask me.
So yep, you guessed it- I want to not go out at night so much anymore. Actually, I have been doing that. Been starting with staying home on either a Friday or Saturday night. (another story goes along with that but that's again not for this entry) I never go out on Sundays- they're my mental health stay in lazy days. Going out at night creates way too much dangerous temptation. There's too much static electricity filled energy in the air of which is only strengthened and reinforced because it feeds off itself through and from person to person. And my ability to get into trouble is way too great and effective.
So basically, I really wish I were actually more introverted, but I don't think it'll ever be possible for me to be in any way introverted. I think I am way too extroverted for my own good and that almost always tends to lean towards getting myself into too much trouble than I bargained for. I am finally beginning to knowledgeably accept what everyone else has perceived all along and of which I have refused to admit, that I have this odd innate sense of rebellion and mischief in my blood stream that leads me to gravitate towards the very opposite of what is safe. Thus the lack of discipline in the right life choices because I would rather be involved with the immediately wanted instant gratification and desired impulse decisions. Go figure, but we all already knew that. What you want isn't what is necessarily good and right for you right? Right. My passionate nature leads me to not be very conservative (the only thing conservative about me would be with the way I dress on a daily basis) at all in life and actually catapult me into a way liberal and sort of quite wild categorical group. You can probably deduce that from my very open and opinionated personality. We are the only ones responsible for our own actions and choices, and should hope to always be brave enough to own up to it. If it's not one thing it's another.
But again I am rambling and my thoughts have run away with me again.
Bottom line: I just want to be better. I want to be a better person for myself because I am not liking who I have become. Or more so, not not liking who I have become (because if I weren't be then I wouldn't be me right?), but not liking the decisions and actions I make and execute for myself. I meant what I said when I spoke of needing to make better life choices. I am a good girl at heart as well as an existing self paradox. I know I'm most likely too hard on myself, we are our own worst critic after all, but if you can't or won't try to understand yourself and want to keep improving through life to maximize your own potential- then what's the point?
A couple months ago I decided that I did not want to deal with anything having to do with participatory infatuation/lust/love/etc. Basically I just rolled up the invisible ball of drama and threw it up in the air along with my hands. I did away with all the ones on the side and the ones not on the side. Cut them all off. Deleted, ignored, and banished from my mind. Because I wanted to. But of course these are the ones who don't mean anything. Because the one(s) that do or did, t(he)y aren't (isn't) in my life anymore and haven't (hasn't) been for quite some time. But that's a different story not for this entry.
Why did I do that? Simple.
I came to a halting realization and truth that, I absolutely don't want to date right now, at all. I don't want to deal with any of it and don't want to have to. I just want to handle myself by myself. (to be honest, I think I also might be quite incapable of opening myself to anyone new anyway- but that's besides the point and purpose)
I meant it, and still do. This objective has been completely met and is still ongoing with the committed promise to myself. There have been many potential suitors (there always will be, but they're all not good enough- I refuse to settle when they're not the right one. Hence to doing away with it all. This isn't being picky, it's just knowing what you want and what you don't want), but even so I have refused to indulge in my slightly sparked interests. But we all know my horrible taste in men, so if I am the least bit attracted then that must mean he's an asshole. But it wouldn't matter if someone came along that managed to catch my eye, because I still wouldn't and won't become involved. And I haven't, I've actually been quite good in this department. I have been completely free. Pretty proud of myself haha. But, I honestly do not want to date right now and probably won't want to for a very long time. I just want to work on my own self improvement for now, moment to moment.
I want to be better in my entirety. I have quit smoking, though albeit I do indulge if I partake in drinking social festivities. But thing is, I'm tired of all this. Tired of all the same crap. Tired of alcohol and the terrible and embarrassingly consequential comical experiences. Tired of slowly killing my body. Tired of slowly killing myself. I don't want to drink anymore. It is and will be very tough to implement, but I want this to happen. I have already started slowly, but it does have it's occasional relapses. I am 22 years old after all. It is way too easy to let drinking get out of hand because the moment you begin, the pace just moves quicker and quicker until you find yourself in the inebriated state you had been trying to avoid all night long to begin with. So hopefully with the discontinuation of alcohol consumption, the cigarette smoking will too cease as well. But more importantly, I can't get completely better if I don't quit drinking. Alcohol is a true depressant and that's exactly what I am trying to combat. After a full night of drinking, I end up feeling even worse than I did before. My depression elevates to unbearable levels. No bueno if you ask me.
So yep, you guessed it- I want to not go out at night so much anymore. Actually, I have been doing that. Been starting with staying home on either a Friday or Saturday night. (another story goes along with that but that's again not for this entry) I never go out on Sundays- they're my mental health stay in lazy days. Going out at night creates way too much dangerous temptation. There's too much static electricity filled energy in the air of which is only strengthened and reinforced because it feeds off itself through and from person to person. And my ability to get into trouble is way too great and effective.
So basically, I really wish I were actually more introverted, but I don't think it'll ever be possible for me to be in any way introverted. I think I am way too extroverted for my own good and that almost always tends to lean towards getting myself into too much trouble than I bargained for. I am finally beginning to knowledgeably accept what everyone else has perceived all along and of which I have refused to admit, that I have this odd innate sense of rebellion and mischief in my blood stream that leads me to gravitate towards the very opposite of what is safe. Thus the lack of discipline in the right life choices because I would rather be involved with the immediately wanted instant gratification and desired impulse decisions. Go figure, but we all already knew that. What you want isn't what is necessarily good and right for you right? Right. My passionate nature leads me to not be very conservative (the only thing conservative about me would be with the way I dress on a daily basis) at all in life and actually catapult me into a way liberal and sort of quite wild categorical group. You can probably deduce that from my very open and opinionated personality. We are the only ones responsible for our own actions and choices, and should hope to always be brave enough to own up to it. If it's not one thing it's another.
But again I am rambling and my thoughts have run away with me again.
Bottom line: I just want to be better. I want to be a better person for myself because I am not liking who I have become. Or more so, not not liking who I have become (because if I weren't be then I wouldn't be me right?), but not liking the decisions and actions I make and execute for myself. I meant what I said when I spoke of needing to make better life choices. I am a good girl at heart as well as an existing self paradox. I know I'm most likely too hard on myself, we are our own worst critic after all, but if you can't or won't try to understand yourself and want to keep improving through life to maximize your own potential- then what's the point?
3 Favorites From 3 All Time Favorites
Consider this a sign, this is a train in the night. And now it's time for you to go.
Sucker love is heaven sent. You pucker up, our passion's spent.
So bad I can't think straight, so bad that my bones shake.
Sucker love is heaven sent. You pucker up, our passion's spent.
So bad I can't think straight, so bad that my bones shake.
One a.m. Random Thought- Truth
Sex and real kisses complicate everything. Alcohol, sex, and real kisses ruin anything.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
What
I've been feeling pretty okay for the past couple weeks (except sometimes at night, but that's normal and perfectly bearable). Not sad, not hysterically elated. Just normal. Which is really nice. Except right now I can't breathe. It suddenly just hit me. The sunken feeling creeping into my chest with resistance to dissipate. My chest fucking hurts. Quite unbearable, trying to shoo away the urge to cry. Wow. Good thing it's almost time for bed so tomorrow I may wake up for a new day with this hopefully gone. Everything always comes back to a full circle. Moment to moment though right?
Rainy Day Reminiscent
I love Nujabes, it's so sad that he passed away. So talented. I love listening to him on rainy days. His music is so chill. Here are a few favorites. Check out the lyrics and sound experiments. But more so, check out the lyrics.
Actually, check out the entire Luv(sic), there are 5 parts. 3 when he was alive and 2 after he passed away. But all so amazing, Shing02 is a great writer. I can't stress the lyrics enough. Hah but I'm not about to post them all, way too many. Though I absolutely love the lyrics to all these and more. I will however post one. Enjoy and cheers lovers.
Light as a feather when I'm floating through
reading through the daily news
measuring the hurt within the golden rule
centimeters in ether I'm heating the speaker
Motivational teacher with words that burn people
Seeing the headlines lined with discord and
see the genocide or the planet in uproar
Never good
The rules of paradise are never nice
The best laid plans of mice and men are never right
I'm just a vagabond with flowers for Algernon
The average joe who knows what the fuck is going on
Its the hope of my thoughts that I travel upon
Fly like an arrow of god until I'm gone
So drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Taking chances, we're tap dancing with wolves
in an ice arena out there deep in the woods of Arizona.
The sun be high, Lifes ironic
ain't it trying to be talib when I write
surreal life I paint it vivid, habitat, crazy insane
Watching propaganda 6 o'clock news and
insane coaches clash, war, black folk and white trash
then rebel in the sniper's base that might crash
Dash to millennium and million miles of running
at the speed of now but I don't return gunning
Rambo style gung ho child gunning
ammo two times loud stunning
Stunning when it hit ya, lift ya right off the earth
like, hey yo, take ya back right to birth - and
Niggas wonder why. They might wonder why this shit might happen, but it does. They go
drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Treat you better than me cause that's the heavenly key
to unlock the inner strength where my essence will be.
It's the knowledge of self understanding of the things around me that becomes the wisdom that I need.
Living this life to the best of my ability
Channeling energy to my thoughts until you see my dream.
Remember me because my pros remain gold
I got the gift of gab like this pimps in kangols
It never ends, I keep it rolling it like a cypher.
The first cave man bringing fire.
Innovating it higher
to blast mistakes I raise the stakes
It's double or nothing in this vacuum space
I will survive the avant of time, the cryer, the fucker, who the hide
I'm alive for pride and
I drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
Singing this will be the day that I die.
Actually, check out the entire Luv(sic), there are 5 parts. 3 when he was alive and 2 after he passed away. But all so amazing, Shing02 is a great writer. I can't stress the lyrics enough. Hah but I'm not about to post them all, way too many. Though I absolutely love the lyrics to all these and more. I will however post one. Enjoy and cheers lovers.
Light as a feather when I'm floating through
reading through the daily news
measuring the hurt within the golden rule
centimeters in ether I'm heating the speaker
Motivational teacher with words that burn people
Seeing the headlines lined with discord and
see the genocide or the planet in uproar
Never good
The rules of paradise are never nice
The best laid plans of mice and men are never right
I'm just a vagabond with flowers for Algernon
The average joe who knows what the fuck is going on
Its the hope of my thoughts that I travel upon
Fly like an arrow of god until I'm gone
So drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Taking chances, we're tap dancing with wolves
in an ice arena out there deep in the woods of Arizona.
The sun be high, Lifes ironic
ain't it trying to be talib when I write
surreal life I paint it vivid, habitat, crazy insane
Watching propaganda 6 o'clock news and
insane coaches clash, war, black folk and white trash
then rebel in the sniper's base that might crash
Dash to millennium and million miles of running
at the speed of now but I don't return gunning
Rambo style gung ho child gunning
ammo two times loud stunning
Stunning when it hit ya, lift ya right off the earth
like, hey yo, take ya back right to birth - and
Niggas wonder why. They might wonder why this shit might happen, but it does. They go
drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Treat you better than me cause that's the heavenly key
to unlock the inner strength where my essence will be.
It's the knowledge of self understanding of the things around me that becomes the wisdom that I need.
Living this life to the best of my ability
Channeling energy to my thoughts until you see my dream.
Remember me because my pros remain gold
I got the gift of gab like this pimps in kangols
It never ends, I keep it rolling it like a cypher.
The first cave man bringing fire.
Innovating it higher
to blast mistakes I raise the stakes
It's double or nothing in this vacuum space
I will survive the avant of time, the cryer, the fucker, who the hide
I'm alive for pride and
I drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
Singing this will be the day that I die.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Lackluster
I took the long way home today, but then again I tend to take the long way home every day now after work. I don't know why. Today has been a rollercoaster day. Right now I'm a bit grey. So I'm just going to write, hopefully something will be relieved.
I miss you, every day. My mind is so confused. I don't even know who I miss. I just know that I have this feeling in my chest. I just feel that I have a huge chunk missing; there's a major void in my chest that I wish could be filled. It does feel to be seemingly sort of filling up day by day and pain is beginning to really dissipate and slowly flow away, but other times whatever it is seems to be becoming replaced with other equally minor things. What do I have to do to feel free? Try and refrain away from trouble and it immediately doubles. My lack of discipline is continuing to hinder me in every which way possible. How do you even improve on it? I'm beginning to really feel like a life failure with my lack of real motivated ambition. I feel lost at times and really just want to quit life. I've been thinking about my personality and how much of a slacker I really am. It's pathetic. Everyone around me seems to be working so hard, and then there's me. The one who chooses to just get by and not want to work hard or go through anything. The one who wants everything just done for her. How am I this kind of person?
To be honest, I just feel so damn exhausted all the time, which is completely lame because my life is so fortunate and there is nothing wrong. I lead a completely spoiled life, and yet I'm useless and wasteful. All I have are my strongly rooted principles and morals, yet my lack of motivation for action is null. I feel already hopeless and defeated even before I have even tried. Too scared to try or just really don't care. I don't think I'm scared, am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me?
I've decided to discontinue my meds, only because I find it a major inconvenience to have to go see my physician and waste my insurance co-pay every time when the medication doesn't even seem to be working a bit.
I miss you, every day. My mind is so confused. I don't even know who I miss. I just know that I have this feeling in my chest. I just feel that I have a huge chunk missing; there's a major void in my chest that I wish could be filled. It does feel to be seemingly sort of filling up day by day and pain is beginning to really dissipate and slowly flow away, but other times whatever it is seems to be becoming replaced with other equally minor things. What do I have to do to feel free? Try and refrain away from trouble and it immediately doubles. My lack of discipline is continuing to hinder me in every which way possible. How do you even improve on it? I'm beginning to really feel like a life failure with my lack of real motivated ambition. I feel lost at times and really just want to quit life. I've been thinking about my personality and how much of a slacker I really am. It's pathetic. Everyone around me seems to be working so hard, and then there's me. The one who chooses to just get by and not want to work hard or go through anything. The one who wants everything just done for her. How am I this kind of person?
To be honest, I just feel so damn exhausted all the time, which is completely lame because my life is so fortunate and there is nothing wrong. I lead a completely spoiled life, and yet I'm useless and wasteful. All I have are my strongly rooted principles and morals, yet my lack of motivation for action is null. I feel already hopeless and defeated even before I have even tried. Too scared to try or just really don't care. I don't think I'm scared, am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me?
I've decided to discontinue my meds, only because I find it a major inconvenience to have to go see my physician and waste my insurance co-pay every time when the medication doesn't even seem to be working a bit.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Missed
Okay, I don't think I'll be forgetting to take my meds anymore. Even just a couple days of not taking it, there are still side effects (I should've already known this because this has happened before, but I guess I never learn my lesson do I?) because the drug is re-entering your body after it having left. I feel a bit sick at present, though I know it'll pass as always as my body becomes re-acclimated. But I don't think I want to feel sick again so I best focus on remembering to take my meds.
The Space
So I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading for the past 2.5 months. Conclusion?
I don't think I'm getting any better, mentally speaking of course (of course). No, I know I'm not getting any better.
Yes, I am medicated, but I'm beginning to notice how I am forgetting to take my meds again. (not good, I need to be paying more attention to my life and making better life choices) Not only that, but I think I need to seek out further counsel.
I haven't told my physician just the extent of this 'depression' and have been in still continued denial about suicidal thoughts whenever it comes time to actually reveal for diagnosis. When he asks if I have suicidal thought, I immediately scoff and say no. Again, why do we always feel the need to lie or cover up the ugly truth?
I think because once you actually say it out loud to someone, it actually becomes cold hard truth. And as I always say, once you say something, it's out there and you can never take it back.
And the major possibility of something actually being wrong with you is a startling thought. But I think for me, the idea of the possibility that something really isn't wrong is more frightening, because then how would you even begin to justify all the loathed drama and trauma?
I need to start making better life choices.
I don't think I'm getting any better, mentally speaking of course (of course). No, I know I'm not getting any better.
Yes, I am medicated, but I'm beginning to notice how I am forgetting to take my meds again. (not good, I need to be paying more attention to my life and making better life choices) Not only that, but I think I need to seek out further counsel.
I haven't told my physician just the extent of this 'depression' and have been in still continued denial about suicidal thoughts whenever it comes time to actually reveal for diagnosis. When he asks if I have suicidal thought, I immediately scoff and say no. Again, why do we always feel the need to lie or cover up the ugly truth?
I think because once you actually say it out loud to someone, it actually becomes cold hard truth. And as I always say, once you say something, it's out there and you can never take it back.
And the major possibility of something actually being wrong with you is a startling thought. But I think for me, the idea of the possibility that something really isn't wrong is more frightening, because then how would you even begin to justify all the loathed drama and trauma?
I need to start making better life choices.
Break(ing Down)
I hate this. I hate my life and obligations. I hate waking up every morning. I need a good break.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Quadron
I have just recently discovered Quadron. They describe themselves as electronic soul, and seriously this is the first of that genre that I have ever come across. And I love it. AH-mazing song lemme tell ya. Check on it lovers.
Pay attention to the different sounds and tones, when they join and separate, and the tempos and the different actual instruments or instrument simulation sounds used such as string plucks, saxophone, clarinet, etc. Awesome opossum. And, the lyrics are friggen cool and beautiful. They're so boss, yayerrr.
I especially love the soulful voice. This is the type of voice that is my favorite to hear. It's that silvery raspy voice (like Charice from Glee, Mariah, Amy Lee from Evanescence- though her voice is more ethereal which I lovelove), but it's not harsh though it can really belt it if chosen to. It's not muddled or caught, it's a clean sound which I like. To me what's always come to mind is like water flowing through a cold, smooth, and silvery pipe. Not to be mistaken with the ones that can belt it out but have the trumpet sound to it like Aretha, Dorothy Moore, or Amber Riley on Glee- not smooth, but a good different kind of harsh. Also not to be mistake with the singing voices of which sound like regular voices like Celine Dion or Beyonce- still good, but not my favorite. Those can be mixed in with what I call candy voices (you know like those really high, sweetly, unintentionally 'babyish' and clear) such as Ellie Goulding, Regina- though she has the ability to change it, her softer tones are a bit like so, Lea Michele on Glee (haha I know, there are examples from Glee, but what better way for example comparison?)- even though her voice is amazing, and so forth. And then there are the voices such as Christina Aguilera and Florence Welch from Florence & The Machine (in addition to the ones I've already listed) that fall into that great sounding voice I especially love to hear. It's like when you really listen, you can hear a icy and silky sound. I can't really find the right way to explain it. I just know I hear it and love it the most. But of course many different singers fall into more than one category especially those of which I've mentioned and of course those I have not and voices I have no mentioned. (mind you that was just a rough elaboration, lol relax.)
I was demanding to be the oh so strong
Truth be told I only want myself to tag along
Following my shadow, loaded with guilt
See what I didn't know was that, patching up only
Makes a quilt
Have to much pleasure from illusions of right
It seems id rather loose a friend then a fight
But I'm not young enough to know everything
See what I do know is
My alter ego is up-coming
I'm slippin
'Cause I cant get me off of this throne
I'm slippin
Its too much of a comfort zone
I'm slippin
'Cause I cant get me off this throne
I'm slippin'
'Cause I cant get me off of this throne its too
Much of a comfort zone
Use persuasion as my strongest approach
I preach my wisdom as a neat friendly poach
Respect you don't get, its something you owe
If your can't do what I do its cause
You reap what you sow
Taking my time sharing my week
Yeah I am good at listening when I hear myself
Speak
Once I swell attention tasted
Enough want do
Every weekend I am wasted
I'm slippin.
Once I swell attention tasted
Enough want to
Every weekend I'm wasted
Pay attention to the different sounds and tones, when they join and separate, and the tempos and the different actual instruments or instrument simulation sounds used such as string plucks, saxophone, clarinet, etc. Awesome opossum. And, the lyrics are friggen cool and beautiful. They're so boss, yayerrr.
I especially love the soulful voice. This is the type of voice that is my favorite to hear. It's that silvery raspy voice (like Charice from Glee, Mariah, Amy Lee from Evanescence- though her voice is more ethereal which I lovelove), but it's not harsh though it can really belt it if chosen to. It's not muddled or caught, it's a clean sound which I like. To me what's always come to mind is like water flowing through a cold, smooth, and silvery pipe. Not to be mistaken with the ones that can belt it out but have the trumpet sound to it like Aretha, Dorothy Moore, or Amber Riley on Glee- not smooth, but a good different kind of harsh. Also not to be mistake with the singing voices of which sound like regular voices like Celine Dion or Beyonce- still good, but not my favorite. Those can be mixed in with what I call candy voices (you know like those really high, sweetly, unintentionally 'babyish' and clear) such as Ellie Goulding, Regina- though she has the ability to change it, her softer tones are a bit like so, Lea Michele on Glee (haha I know, there are examples from Glee, but what better way for example comparison?)- even though her voice is amazing, and so forth. And then there are the voices such as Christina Aguilera and Florence Welch from Florence & The Machine (in addition to the ones I've already listed) that fall into that great sounding voice I especially love to hear. It's like when you really listen, you can hear a icy and silky sound. I can't really find the right way to explain it. I just know I hear it and love it the most. But of course many different singers fall into more than one category especially those of which I've mentioned and of course those I have not and voices I have no mentioned. (mind you that was just a rough elaboration, lol relax.)
I was demanding to be the oh so strong
Truth be told I only want myself to tag along
Following my shadow, loaded with guilt
See what I didn't know was that, patching up only
Makes a quilt
Have to much pleasure from illusions of right
It seems id rather loose a friend then a fight
But I'm not young enough to know everything
See what I do know is
My alter ego is up-coming
I'm slippin
'Cause I cant get me off of this throne
I'm slippin
Its too much of a comfort zone
I'm slippin
'Cause I cant get me off this throne
I'm slippin'
'Cause I cant get me off of this throne its too
Much of a comfort zone
Use persuasion as my strongest approach
I preach my wisdom as a neat friendly poach
Respect you don't get, its something you owe
If your can't do what I do its cause
You reap what you sow
Taking my time sharing my week
Yeah I am good at listening when I hear myself
Speak
Once I swell attention tasted
Enough want do
Every weekend I am wasted
I'm slippin.
Once I swell attention tasted
Enough want to
Every weekend I'm wasted
Make Up Aficionados, Holla
I have just converted make up foundations.
I have been a devoted user of Bare Minerals make up powder foundation along with the whole shebang with the warmth and mineral veil, but being all too fair skinned, my skin is very very sensitive. It's so fair and white/pale that I am at times pinkishly translucent- quite odd for a supposed fellow yellow Chinese/Taiwanese girl. And not to mention I turn red easily, and my cheeks have always been rosy -no blush necessary in my lifetime- ever since I was a baby. Basically if you were to look at me, I'd be the epitome of a China doll. (you know, medium sized almond shaped eyes, barely any hair on her body- sadly meaning no thick eyelashes or even enough for great shapely and full eyebrows- I pencil in the ends, I am the sort of girl who loves fuller eyebrows rather than the gross super thin and overtly plucked scenario. And the super fine dark brown black hair I got going on- I'm lucky my hair on my scalp grows super quick. The only thing that sets me apart from the Asiatic features is that I am a size 6-7 hourglass figure and not super skinny. go figure)
Okay, when I say sensitive, I am not kidding. Examples? When the weather changes (and mind you this hectic and constantly fluctuating Southern California weather has been a trip and not very forgiving on my skin and don't even get me started on they heavily disgusting smog and pollution), when the menstruation gods decide to collaborate with the hormone gods, when i eat really oily things like chips (so glad that the Lay's brand has decided to use all natural ingredients now, especially since i am an avid ingredient reader), stress of coz, really cheap make up, etc. Well, you get the gist of it, I manage to break out easily.
Anyway, after that long physical description tirade, comes the purpose of this shallow and superficial entry.
Lancôme TEINT IDOLE ULTRA Enduringly Divine & Comfortable Makeup. They're not kidding when they say it's enduringly divine and comfortable.
I have been getting a little tired of Bare Minerals powder because powder (but like I have raved in the past, the lip glosses are still da bomb) regardless of it's natural make or etc, it's going to clog your pores. If not soon then eventually. And my skin hasn't been all that great lately and I've noticed that I've been getting really sick of powder. It looks nice, don't get me wrong, but even if others can't see any flaws, you know you always can. And that shit bothers me. I've had Lancome's foundation too, so i decided to take a break from Bare Minerals and switch to that 'cause honestly, I am a bit sick of powder. It flies everywhere and it's a bit of a waste. Sadly.
Anyway, I got home last night and I looked at my face- make up still flawless as ever. It makes my skin so smooth too after I remove it completely and wash my face. When applied it goes on silky smooth, it blends super well, and the best thing is that it's so light and natural that a little goes a long way. It doesn't dry out your skin or separate at all when you sweat a little or have worn it all day like powder or mess it up like cheap make up foundations. Haha there's a reason why I love the old school really great make up brands such as Lancome and Estee Lauder, because they are too legit to quit!
I've never been a fan of liquid foundations because they're generally a bit oily and they feel heavy. Or after a couple hours they feel oily and have a shiny sheen, bleh. And they make me want to rub it off or scared that it'll come off, but seriously, this foundation is amazing! It looks and feels so natural and light. Ladies (or men), get on it!
I have been a devoted user of Bare Minerals make up powder foundation along with the whole shebang with the warmth and mineral veil, but being all too fair skinned, my skin is very very sensitive. It's so fair and white/pale that I am at times pinkishly translucent- quite odd for a supposed fellow yellow Chinese/Taiwanese girl. And not to mention I turn red easily, and my cheeks have always been rosy -no blush necessary in my lifetime- ever since I was a baby. Basically if you were to look at me, I'd be the epitome of a China doll. (you know, medium sized almond shaped eyes, barely any hair on her body- sadly meaning no thick eyelashes or even enough for great shapely and full eyebrows- I pencil in the ends, I am the sort of girl who loves fuller eyebrows rather than the gross super thin and overtly plucked scenario. And the super fine dark brown black hair I got going on- I'm lucky my hair on my scalp grows super quick. The only thing that sets me apart from the Asiatic features is that I am a size 6-7 hourglass figure and not super skinny. go figure)
Okay, when I say sensitive, I am not kidding. Examples? When the weather changes (and mind you this hectic and constantly fluctuating Southern California weather has been a trip and not very forgiving on my skin and don't even get me started on they heavily disgusting smog and pollution), when the menstruation gods decide to collaborate with the hormone gods, when i eat really oily things like chips (so glad that the Lay's brand has decided to use all natural ingredients now, especially since i am an avid ingredient reader), stress of coz, really cheap make up, etc. Well, you get the gist of it, I manage to break out easily.
Anyway, after that long physical description tirade, comes the purpose of this shallow and superficial entry.
Lancôme TEINT IDOLE ULTRA Enduringly Divine & Comfortable Makeup. They're not kidding when they say it's enduringly divine and comfortable.
I have been getting a little tired of Bare Minerals powder because powder (but like I have raved in the past, the lip glosses are still da bomb) regardless of it's natural make or etc, it's going to clog your pores. If not soon then eventually. And my skin hasn't been all that great lately and I've noticed that I've been getting really sick of powder. It looks nice, don't get me wrong, but even if others can't see any flaws, you know you always can. And that shit bothers me. I've had Lancome's foundation too, so i decided to take a break from Bare Minerals and switch to that 'cause honestly, I am a bit sick of powder. It flies everywhere and it's a bit of a waste. Sadly.
Anyway, I got home last night and I looked at my face- make up still flawless as ever. It makes my skin so smooth too after I remove it completely and wash my face. When applied it goes on silky smooth, it blends super well, and the best thing is that it's so light and natural that a little goes a long way. It doesn't dry out your skin or separate at all when you sweat a little or have worn it all day like powder or mess it up like cheap make up foundations. Haha there's a reason why I love the old school really great make up brands such as Lancome and Estee Lauder, because they are too legit to quit!
I've never been a fan of liquid foundations because they're generally a bit oily and they feel heavy. Or after a couple hours they feel oily and have a shiny sheen, bleh. And they make me want to rub it off or scared that it'll come off, but seriously, this foundation is amazing! It looks and feels so natural and light. Ladies (or men), get on it!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Drop In/Check Out
Yep, if you haven't already noticed, I sort of haven't had much to say lately. Or more so haven't had the motivation to draw energy for expression through my own rambling thoughts. But I did want to comment on this turn of event, since it's all too apparent just how many videos and lyrics I have posted up recently. (i haven't also been reading a lot lately, a much long overdue leisure i have been neglecting, but this isn't what this entry is about)
I just haven't had much to say and don't want to say anything. I feel like keeping quiet in retreat to myself, just for the time being.
So, for now I would just rather live in the indulgences of my exclusive bubble and feel vicariously through the melody, rhythm, prose, beat, and time. I am doing so until I fall back into my own wanted need for created asseveration, but as for now- this is what it is. (it is what it is right?) Cheers lovers.
I just haven't had much to say and don't want to say anything. I feel like keeping quiet in retreat to myself, just for the time being.
So, for now I would just rather live in the indulgences of my exclusive bubble and feel vicariously through the melody, rhythm, prose, beat, and time. I am doing so until I fall back into my own wanted need for created asseveration, but as for now- this is what it is. (it is what it is right?) Cheers lovers.
We Do What We Want, Yes
Man, I love this song. Been feeling some Everclear today. (: I miss the 90's. (This version of Romeo & Juliet is also one of my top favorite movies. Modern twist on Shakespeare, go figure)
You do that Romeo
Be what you wanna be
Look like you runnin' in place
Do that stupid dance for me
Do that Romeo
That go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn
You look so stupid, happy, and numb
Be my Romeo
Please be my voice in this world
I can't sing the songs that you sing
I can't find the gorgeous words
Will you be my Romeo?
My go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn you look so stupid
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, yes we do what we want
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, yeah we do what we want
Be my Romeo
Tell me all about your love
Tell me all about your pain
Baited breath and rubber gloves
Be my Romeo
My go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn you look so fuckin' stupid
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, yes we do what we want
Summer days can lead to the bad times
The world gets larger everyday
Yeah, yeah, the summer days can lead to the bad blood
That leaves me feelin' stupid, happy, and numb
Stupid, happy, and numb
I feel so stupid, happy and numb
Stupid, happy and numb
I feel so stupid
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, we do what we want
You do that Romeo
Be what you wanna be
Look like you runnin' in place
Do that stupid dance for me
Do that Romeo
That go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn
You look so stupid, happy, and numb
Be my Romeo
Please be my voice in this world
I can't sing the songs that you sing
I can't find the gorgeous words
Will you be my Romeo?
My go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn you look so stupid
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, yes we do what we want
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, yeah we do what we want
Be my Romeo
Tell me all about your love
Tell me all about your pain
Baited breath and rubber gloves
Be my Romeo
My go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn you look so fuckin' stupid
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, yes we do what we want
Summer days can lead to the bad times
The world gets larger everyday
Yeah, yeah, the summer days can lead to the bad blood
That leaves me feelin' stupid, happy, and numb
Stupid, happy, and numb
I feel so stupid, happy and numb
Stupid, happy and numb
I feel so stupid
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys
We do what we want, we do what we want
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sunshine Finale
Sooo, I just caught up on my favorite shows and all I have to say is.. GODDAMN. Friggen gave me chills. Amazingly unbelievable. She friggen kills it good. Yeah, I love Glee (AND they did a cover of Otis's Try A Little Tenderness, you all know how much I love Otis!), don't hate or.. get over it! Haha. Reminds me of Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing though. Still great though, I know right?
All my life
I've waited for the right
Moment to let you know
I don't wanna let you go oh
But now I've realized
There's just no perfect time
To confess how I feel
This much I know is real
So I refuse to
Waste one more second without you
Knowing my heart
Baby cause I don't
Need anything else but your love
Nothing but you means a thing to me
I'm incomplete
When you're not there
Holding me, touching me, I swear
All of the rest could just disappear
And I wouldn't even care
As long as you're there
Take these words
Don't let them go unheard
This is me reaching out
I hope you can hear it now
Cause baby my heart's at stake
Take it
It's yours to break
I'd rather try and lose
Than keep this love from you
Yeah
Each day and night
That I've kept this a secret
It'd killed me
It's time
To share what I feel inside
All my life
I've waited for the right
Moment to let you know
I don't wanna let you go oh
But now I've realized
There's just no perfect time
To confess how I feel
This much I know is real
So I refuse to
Waste one more second without you
Knowing my heart
Baby cause I don't
Need anything else but your love
Nothing but you means a thing to me
I'm incomplete
When you're not there
Holding me, touching me, I swear
All of the rest could just disappear
And I wouldn't even care
As long as you're there
Take these words
Don't let them go unheard
This is me reaching out
I hope you can hear it now
Cause baby my heart's at stake
Take it
It's yours to break
I'd rather try and lose
Than keep this love from you
Yeah
Each day and night
That I've kept this a secret
It'd killed me
It's time
To share what I feel inside
Imagery And Non-Fictional Make Believe
Damn she creates such beautiful stories with her prose. The thing is, her prose isn't the epitome of classical and fluid art or what you would typically deem to be damn beautiful like when you look at a sunset, but it's purposely intertwined with a major modernity, definitely making it all a genre of her own. She plays with sounds in words, not just sounds with instruments, but with all possibilities- she combines different words together and there is a real structure to it. It isn't all over the place- there is actually a great organization to her music. And she's making it all up.
She's inventing something new and different- odd and strange, pleasant and beautiful, everything and anything she wants, all on purpose- just 'cause she can. When you hear something like this, it's as if you can almost feel the endless depth of where this great piece came from. Only a mere insight to her genius though (I don't think anyone really knows completely what goes on in anyone's head for the matter)- I don't know what goes on in that head, but I kind of really like it.
To be honest, this one is a bit eerie and haunting actually. But I just couldn't take my ears away from it. No, it's really scary if you think about it. Seriously though, her lyrics seem to really tell these stories that have such intense ulterior meanings. It's amazing how she does this and what/who she chooses to write a story about. You'll see what I mean when I say her stuff is so friggen intense. But I love this kind of stuff. Blame it on my too passionate nature.
Some said the local lake had been enchanted
Others said it must have been the weather
The neighbors were trying to keep it quiet
But I swear that I could hear the laughter
So they jokingly nicknamed it the porridge
'cause overnight that lake had turned to thick as butter
But the local kids would still go swimming, drinking
Saying hat to them it doesn't matter
If you just hold in your breath
Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'til you thought it through, you, fool
The genius next door was busing table
Wiping clean the ketchup labels
Getting high and muttering German fables
Didn't care as long as he was able
To strip his clothes off by the dumpster
At night while everyone was sleeping
And wade midway into that porridge
Just him and his secret he was keeping
In the morning the film crews start arriving
With donuts, coffee and reporters
The kids are waking up hung over
The neighbors were starting up their cars
The garbage men were emptying the dumpsters
Atheists were praying full of sarcasm
And the genius next door was sleeping
Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm
If you just hold in your breath 'til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath 'til you've thought it through, you foolish child
She's inventing something new and different- odd and strange, pleasant and beautiful, everything and anything she wants, all on purpose- just 'cause she can. When you hear something like this, it's as if you can almost feel the endless depth of where this great piece came from. Only a mere insight to her genius though (I don't think anyone really knows completely what goes on in anyone's head for the matter)- I don't know what goes on in that head, but I kind of really like it.
To be honest, this one is a bit eerie and haunting actually. But I just couldn't take my ears away from it. No, it's really scary if you think about it. Seriously though, her lyrics seem to really tell these stories that have such intense ulterior meanings. It's amazing how she does this and what/who she chooses to write a story about. You'll see what I mean when I say her stuff is so friggen intense. But I love this kind of stuff. Blame it on my too passionate nature.
Some said the local lake had been enchanted
Others said it must have been the weather
The neighbors were trying to keep it quiet
But I swear that I could hear the laughter
So they jokingly nicknamed it the porridge
'cause overnight that lake had turned to thick as butter
But the local kids would still go swimming, drinking
Saying hat to them it doesn't matter
If you just hold in your breath
Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'til you thought it through, you, fool
The genius next door was busing table
Wiping clean the ketchup labels
Getting high and muttering German fables
Didn't care as long as he was able
To strip his clothes off by the dumpster
At night while everyone was sleeping
And wade midway into that porridge
Just him and his secret he was keeping
In the morning the film crews start arriving
With donuts, coffee and reporters
The kids are waking up hung over
The neighbors were starting up their cars
The garbage men were emptying the dumpsters
Atheists were praying full of sarcasm
And the genius next door was sleeping
Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm
If you just hold in your breath 'til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath 'til you've thought it through, you foolish child
Listen Closely
Amazing made up beats, musical interludes, and hidden sounds. Check it out.
The ways she experiments, I cannot stress it enough. Just one of many. This one is beautiful
It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.
Eet eet eet.
You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.
Someone's deciding whether or not to steal.
He opens a window just to feel the chill.
He hears that outside a small boy just started to cry
'Cause it's his turn, but his brother won't let him try.
It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat. (I love the T sounds mimicking cymbals at the end)
And here's a fun one!
Damn it's so cool how she just plays with sound. She could sing about anything we find mediocre and make it into a great melodic story. Her lyrics are so simple and odd- almost randomly grouped together (who knows? but i feel most artists create with purpose and her music is the same way, even if it is of very eclectic, eccentric, and acquired taste), yet the way she delivers them is amazing, she just makes it all work regardless of how odd at first. I've even googled her (hah one of my hobbies- I tend to google about everything I want to know about- I like to know things), and she says she just hears all this in her head. This endless flow of music- friggen amazing. Long ago when I first started this blog I pondered between the difference with being artistic and being creative. I would say she is truly an artist. Lady Gaga's got nothing on her.
It's her voice, the way she chooses to enunciate, the way she chooses to invent and create from all things (such as the versatility of maneuvering her vocals, tongue, and mouth). She creates such beauty we can hear and imagine, rather than for the much overrated and quite universal concept drawing from sight. And she's rather amazing on piano. You know me, a great pianist and I'm sold.
The ways she experiments, I cannot stress it enough. Just one of many. This one is beautiful
It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.
Eet eet eet.
You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.
Someone's deciding whether or not to steal.
He opens a window just to feel the chill.
He hears that outside a small boy just started to cry
'Cause it's his turn, but his brother won't let him try.
It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat. (I love the T sounds mimicking cymbals at the end)
And here's a fun one!
Damn it's so cool how she just plays with sound. She could sing about anything we find mediocre and make it into a great melodic story. Her lyrics are so simple and odd- almost randomly grouped together (who knows? but i feel most artists create with purpose and her music is the same way, even if it is of very eclectic, eccentric, and acquired taste), yet the way she delivers them is amazing, she just makes it all work regardless of how odd at first. I've even googled her (hah one of my hobbies- I tend to google about everything I want to know about- I like to know things), and she says she just hears all this in her head. This endless flow of music- friggen amazing. Long ago when I first started this blog I pondered between the difference with being artistic and being creative. I would say she is truly an artist. Lady Gaga's got nothing on her.
It's her voice, the way she chooses to enunciate, the way she chooses to invent and create from all things (such as the versatility of maneuvering her vocals, tongue, and mouth). She creates such beauty we can hear and imagine, rather than for the much overrated and quite universal concept drawing from sight. And she's rather amazing on piano. You know me, a great pianist and I'm sold.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
One Side Down, One Side Forgetting
Drifting in the entrance of the lane, drifting away from the familiarity of the past
You look clearer in the rear-view mirror than in my mind
The distance between you and I is like that of skidding and that drift
They are very different but look very close
The car headlights flash once which mean I still care
You let me see you get into his car, so careless
If I honk the horn twice it means I'm leaving
You can rest assured, I understand this game
The sound of an engine zipping by
Is the melody that you detest the most
It moves around inside the city
And becomes a fantasia song
One side madly recording it down, one side brightly forgetting it (forgetting, forgetting, forgetting, forgetting)
You get angry slamming the car door, your fragrance remains in the car
Sorry but if you want to leave don't shut the door so hard
Be a bit gentle
You say it's not Dimsum that you eat
The ice cream melts, the beauty of the lie being beside you
There's no more rain but the wipers still move left and right
Just like the memories beginning to wave at me
The dashboard turns, wondering if I will understand
Even if the speed goes faster, you can't catch up with the promise
The window is rolled down, listening to you, listening to your perfect excuse
The music is turned up, allowing me, allowing me to pretend to be moved
You're considerate, there's no need for you to direct and act out heartache yourself
If I don't understand it when watching it I'll be even sadder
(The line about Dimsum is in reference to "being gentle" from the previous line, in Chinese "to be gentle" uses the same characters as Dimsum. Dimsum is the collective name for small portions of food.) translation/pinyin/lyrics by Ho@multistars.com, jaychoustudio.com
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
This
From this night forward, I will do my damnedest to not think of you.
Truth be told, I'm already so over you and have been. I just need to stop holding you in my thoughts and heart. I am genuinely so over you and have been trying so hard to leave all this and you behind. Just as you had left me so easily and swiftly. We are, this is so over that there needs to be another disaster not involving us on the face of this universe to redefine the word over.
My mind jumps back and forth recalling everything, to the negative then the positive and then circumventing each other and wound around one another, every perceived good and bad possible analyzation- all the time. But in the end I always come back to one -the only one conclusion after having broken everything down for the millionth time and recalled all the unseen signs- it all doesn't matter. Because too much damage has been done and it may be almost beyond repair to ever really change anything. How is this even happening? where I am still keeping you in my thoughts even though we absolutely don't speak at all anymore? when we absolutely have no links to one another? It's pathetic. You have obviously so easily forgotten and left me, and I just need to act accordingly and do the same.
I'm tired of thinking about you, I'm tired of missing you, I'm tired of wanting you near, I'm tired of always looking for some resemblance of you everywhere I go, I'm tired of writing about you, I'm tired of how much this and you have so clouded, consumed, obsessed, fucked up, manipulated, and beat my mind. I'm tired of still thinking about you after so much time of no communication whatsoever has passed. I'm tired of actually letting this happen. I'm tired of being able to repress these thoughts for so long and then for these thoughts to creep back in. I'm so tired of sentimentalizing this all in my head for no absolutely substantial reason. I'm so tired of not being the amazing girl I was before you came back in my life, before I finally relented to letting you back in. I'm so tired of being a fucking dumbass for all this ridiculously absurd, crazy, and wasted idealization and romanticization. I am so sick of this. So over this. This is it. I am definitely a crazy person, but I don't need to do this kind of excess crazy fictional sentimentalism. I'm pragmatic and sane enough to know and acknowledge that.
This is me, getting over you. For the last time. This is me, never speaking of you again, doing my damnedest to never do all of the above ever again.
Truth be told, I'm already so over you and have been. I just need to stop holding you in my thoughts and heart. I am genuinely so over you and have been trying so hard to leave all this and you behind. Just as you had left me so easily and swiftly. We are, this is so over that there needs to be another disaster not involving us on the face of this universe to redefine the word over.
My mind jumps back and forth recalling everything, to the negative then the positive and then circumventing each other and wound around one another, every perceived good and bad possible analyzation- all the time. But in the end I always come back to one -the only one conclusion after having broken everything down for the millionth time and recalled all the unseen signs- it all doesn't matter. Because too much damage has been done and it may be almost beyond repair to ever really change anything. How is this even happening? where I am still keeping you in my thoughts even though we absolutely don't speak at all anymore? when we absolutely have no links to one another? It's pathetic. You have obviously so easily forgotten and left me, and I just need to act accordingly and do the same.
I'm tired of thinking about you, I'm tired of missing you, I'm tired of wanting you near, I'm tired of always looking for some resemblance of you everywhere I go, I'm tired of writing about you, I'm tired of how much this and you have so clouded, consumed, obsessed, fucked up, manipulated, and beat my mind. I'm tired of still thinking about you after so much time of no communication whatsoever has passed. I'm tired of actually letting this happen. I'm tired of being able to repress these thoughts for so long and then for these thoughts to creep back in. I'm so tired of sentimentalizing this all in my head for no absolutely substantial reason. I'm so tired of not being the amazing girl I was before you came back in my life, before I finally relented to letting you back in. I'm so tired of being a fucking dumbass for all this ridiculously absurd, crazy, and wasted idealization and romanticization. I am so sick of this. So over this. This is it. I am definitely a crazy person, but I don't need to do this kind of excess crazy fictional sentimentalism. I'm pragmatic and sane enough to know and acknowledge that.
This is me, getting over you. For the last time. This is me, never speaking of you again, doing my damnedest to never do all of the above ever again.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
High Rider
Dunno why, but I've been riding at a confusingly clouded and erratic high 8.5 and at times 9 for the past 2 weeks, barely capable of breathing in normally. I've been able to ignore it for the majority, but creepers do creep. Am-right?
And then out of no where, I quickly feel the brink of tears rush. Let this be known that this odd 'situation' is happening almost all the time now with continued increasing enabling. What a crap shoot. Yet I have to admit, it is very astonishing, considering my tear duct handicap quality I've possessed for since ever. No clue as to why my body chooses now to fully embrace these physical responses of which are supposed to be so usually triggered by emotions. It's kind of weird, almost anything even remotely sentimental or tragic, beautiful or whatever, whatever or whatever, and I quite fastidiously and too possibly tear up.
Is this supposed to mean something? What the hell right? For this to happen to a girl who has always been one of the guys, it's quite supernatural. This cannot be all attributed to the fact that I have and am becoming more and more feminine within the past year. Right? I don't know.
Either way, it's strange. Not cool, at all.
It makes me feel even more abnormal and different than I already am. I mean who tears up from a cacophonous beautiful verse or a bittersweet on screen moment? or even a barely there occurrence of pure truth or melancholy? Or anything I perceive to be honest/genuine/perfect/etc., anything, that seems to reach and get to me for the matter. Utterly unfathomable. Who gets like that?
Oh right, yeah.. Me.
I don't know what else I've gotta do. I've been running (figuratively and physically- heyyy yaaa gym) and openly facing these ghosts through thorough thought process and contemplation rambling on blog, so what other options are there? I mean, I think I've pretty much accepted my passionate personality from the get go and it's just a matter of time before I become fully acclimated to the emotions and reactions that go hand in hand with my nature and of which are finally catching up with the rest of me. It was just a matter of time right?
So what to do? Yeah yeah, I know. The only option there is- keep moving forward. Bleh.
And then out of no where, I quickly feel the brink of tears rush. Let this be known that this odd 'situation' is happening almost all the time now with continued increasing enabling. What a crap shoot. Yet I have to admit, it is very astonishing, considering my tear duct handicap quality I've possessed for since ever. No clue as to why my body chooses now to fully embrace these physical responses of which are supposed to be so usually triggered by emotions. It's kind of weird, almost anything even remotely sentimental or tragic, beautiful or whatever, whatever or whatever, and I quite fastidiously and too possibly tear up.
Is this supposed to mean something? What the hell right? For this to happen to a girl who has always been one of the guys, it's quite supernatural. This cannot be all attributed to the fact that I have and am becoming more and more feminine within the past year. Right? I don't know.
Either way, it's strange. Not cool, at all.
It makes me feel even more abnormal and different than I already am. I mean who tears up from a cacophonous beautiful verse or a bittersweet on screen moment? or even a barely there occurrence of pure truth or melancholy? Or anything I perceive to be honest/genuine/perfect/etc., anything, that seems to reach and get to me for the matter. Utterly unfathomable. Who gets like that?
Oh right, yeah.. Me.
I don't know what else I've gotta do. I've been running (figuratively and physically- heyyy yaaa gym) and openly facing these ghosts through thorough thought process and contemplation rambling on blog, so what other options are there? I mean, I think I've pretty much accepted my passionate personality from the get go and it's just a matter of time before I become fully acclimated to the emotions and reactions that go hand in hand with my nature and of which are finally catching up with the rest of me. It was just a matter of time right?
So what to do? Yeah yeah, I know. The only option there is- keep moving forward. Bleh.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
But I Am Holding You, Holding You, Holding You, To That
God I love Nicki Minaj, her wordplay is so BOSS. She definitely has mastered her own sound with the track skip effects, claps, and her own voices matched with fluctuating tempos within each song. Pure awesomeness. (check out the rest of her Pink Friday Album- AH-mazing, yes I just quoted Barney Stinson. and her song Blazin' with Kanye- they friggen kill it, so good and so clever- as too are the rest of her lyrics in other songs)
And I think this song's bittersweet and mellow tone is quite suitable for today. My other favorite song from her is 'Save Me,' although it's a slow one, the beat is so sick and the lyrics ring true. (but this post is already too long to post that one with lyrics so go look it up yourself if you're interested hah)
Maybe you died 'cause everybody ask me where you at
I try to channel you in hopes that I could steer you back
But it's like every intersection we just missed each other
You got your fans waiting tell me you ain't 6 feet under
And tell me that you're coming back that you just took a break
Maybe I blamed you for everything that was my mistake
In hindsight I loved your rawness and I loved your edge
'Cause it was you who talked me down from jumping off the ledge
Your earrings bamboo, your long nails too
Your BMW every time you came through
You was the braveheart
You stole wayne heart
You never switched it up
You played the same part
But I needed to grow
And I needed to know
That there were something inside of me that I need to show
So I just deaded you
Left you in all black
But dear old Nicki
Please call back
You told me you'd come when I needed you
And you said it so sweetly I believed you
But I'm standing here calling I can't see you
But I am holding you, holding you, holding you to that
Yo, did I chase the glitz and glamour
Money, fame and power
'Cause if so that will forever go down my lamest hour
I should've kept you with me getting at them nameless cowards
There was no match for you, couldn't defeat your powers
I had to make them changes, I hope you understood
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good
But you was underground, and I was mainstream
I live the life now, that we would daydream
My only wish is you come enjoy it with me
Get on them conference calls, go meet the lawyers with me
The money came, yeah, tripled and quadrupled it
But I still miss us when we was just on some stupid shit
And it's still fuck the media
They ridiculed you, never believed in you
They just deaded you
Left you in all black
But dear old Nicki
Please call back
You told me you'd come when I needed you
And you said it so sweetly I believed you
But I'm standing here calling I can't see you
But I am holding you, holding you, holding you to that
And yes I'm holding you, holding you, holding you
Oh, yes I'm holding you, holding you, holding you
And yes I'm holding you, holding you, holding you
To that
And I think this song's bittersweet and mellow tone is quite suitable for today. My other favorite song from her is 'Save Me,' although it's a slow one, the beat is so sick and the lyrics ring true. (but this post is already too long to post that one with lyrics so go look it up yourself if you're interested hah)
Maybe you died 'cause everybody ask me where you at
I try to channel you in hopes that I could steer you back
But it's like every intersection we just missed each other
You got your fans waiting tell me you ain't 6 feet under
And tell me that you're coming back that you just took a break
Maybe I blamed you for everything that was my mistake
In hindsight I loved your rawness and I loved your edge
'Cause it was you who talked me down from jumping off the ledge
Your earrings bamboo, your long nails too
Your BMW every time you came through
You was the braveheart
You stole wayne heart
You never switched it up
You played the same part
But I needed to grow
And I needed to know
That there were something inside of me that I need to show
So I just deaded you
Left you in all black
But dear old Nicki
Please call back
You told me you'd come when I needed you
And you said it so sweetly I believed you
But I'm standing here calling I can't see you
But I am holding you, holding you, holding you to that
Yo, did I chase the glitz and glamour
Money, fame and power
'Cause if so that will forever go down my lamest hour
I should've kept you with me getting at them nameless cowards
There was no match for you, couldn't defeat your powers
I had to make them changes, I hope you understood
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good
But you was underground, and I was mainstream
I live the life now, that we would daydream
My only wish is you come enjoy it with me
Get on them conference calls, go meet the lawyers with me
The money came, yeah, tripled and quadrupled it
But I still miss us when we was just on some stupid shit
And it's still fuck the media
They ridiculed you, never believed in you
They just deaded you
Left you in all black
But dear old Nicki
Please call back
You told me you'd come when I needed you
And you said it so sweetly I believed you
But I'm standing here calling I can't see you
But I am holding you, holding you, holding you to that
And yes I'm holding you, holding you, holding you
Oh, yes I'm holding you, holding you, holding you
And yes I'm holding you, holding you, holding you
To that
Dream Haze
Sleep consciousness can cloud anyone's judgment.
I woke up this morning and finally came to my senses.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
And although I feel the way I do, I really really shouldn't and really really can't let myself. Despite the desired inconsistencies between my heart and my brain.
When I think back about the too many times you've hurt me, my messy mayhem that I wrecked for those 2 months (of which I have felt entirely guilty, sorry, and entirely to blame for because I've done and said some messed up shit) cannot even compare to the hurt you've reaped for the past almost decade. I still look back and can feel the aches and stings I felt when every almost fatal occurrence happened. And I still cannot believe I let it happen or more so continued to put myself in those situations. There are so many instances and I remember each one completely and so vividly; I am such a fucking idiot. And I know it is partially my fault for letting it happen- for contiguously allowing myself to be treated like shit by the male sex. (what can I say, these deep rooted daddy issues are too psychological to physically be aware of and control)
Ultimately, I've been fooled, used, and tossed aside. Over and over again I have been discarded and I don't think I ever really meant anything close to what you mean(t) to me. What a fool I continue to be and I can only imagine what your subconscious really thinks of my naive foolishness and ability to manipulate my ignorant gullibility to suit your convenient advantages.
Why do I still relapse into missing you the way I do? This is such bullshit and error.
And I know I will need to come to my senses more than times can count, but I'll keep on trying. If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep on trying. Right?
I woke up this morning and finally came to my senses.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
And although I feel the way I do, I really really shouldn't and really really can't let myself. Despite the desired inconsistencies between my heart and my brain.
When I think back about the too many times you've hurt me, my messy mayhem that I wrecked for those 2 months (of which I have felt entirely guilty, sorry, and entirely to blame for because I've done and said some messed up shit) cannot even compare to the hurt you've reaped for the past almost decade. I still look back and can feel the aches and stings I felt when every almost fatal occurrence happened. And I still cannot believe I let it happen or more so continued to put myself in those situations. There are so many instances and I remember each one completely and so vividly; I am such a fucking idiot. And I know it is partially my fault for letting it happen- for contiguously allowing myself to be treated like shit by the male sex. (what can I say, these deep rooted daddy issues are too psychological to physically be aware of and control)
Ultimately, I've been fooled, used, and tossed aside. Over and over again I have been discarded and I don't think I ever really meant anything close to what you mean(t) to me. What a fool I continue to be and I can only imagine what your subconscious really thinks of my naive foolishness and ability to manipulate my ignorant gullibility to suit your convenient advantages.
Why do I still relapse into missing you the way I do? This is such bullshit and error.
And I know I will need to come to my senses more than times can count, but I'll keep on trying. If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep on trying. Right?
Just 5 More Minutes
It's 5 minutes to 5am. I just woke up from a dream of you. It wasn't actually one of the more pleasant ones I've had of you thus far- for some odd reason, I've been having quite a few dreams of you (i know, what a crap shoot right?), but it doesn't make me want to wake nonetheless.
I'm going to hate myself for saying this -really, hate myself, possibly even wake up for the day in a few hours and actually want to remove this post from the utter patheticness and sheer embarrassment radiating from such a sad confession, because I'm really supposed to be getting over you and not still thinking of you- but, i love you, come back.
I'm going to hate myself for saying this -really, hate myself, possibly even wake up for the day in a few hours and actually want to remove this post from the utter patheticness and sheer embarrassment radiating from such a sad confession, because I'm really supposed to be getting over you and not still thinking of you- but, i love you, come back.
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