Shitty Jumpstart Wednesday, Get Ready

I feel like shit. Woke up to a dream about water, again, the ocean shore to be exact. This time is was slightly murky. Not dirty, but just slightly clouded, like after you drink a glass of milk and then fill it up with water, but a faint brown color instead.

I was in the water for a moment when people told me to get out and then something small that I couldn't clearly see was chasing me? I say this with uncertainty because I really don't get it myself, since I thought I was fine in the water until they made their alarms known.

But that's not why I feel like shit.

The last dream I woke up to, is the reoccurring dream that always happens, the plot, scenario, and intention being the same, but different setting. It's always the same, yet reformulated differently. But it's always the same. And I never seem to be able to not dream it nor want to not be asleep, or get up from bed afterwards.

I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt of this scenario. It's like a reality that you can never have, from a realm that can never be because everything's been chased away, scared away, worsened away, and ruined away. It's always you.
I guess my desire to reunite, clear up, and smooth things over is so great that it's taking over my subconscious as I strongly suppress it from my waking life. You can't help what you dream up during your REM cycles.
And though as much as I passive aggressively try to hate you and make me forget you, I'm still having problems. I know, this is ridiculous, even to me. I should be over this already. We'll never really understand the inner workings of the mind and heart dynamic. But who would've thought this would ever happen to me?

Believe me when I say, I really am trying so hard. So hard to erase and forget everything. So hard at forcefully turning the wheels to not just move forward, but to leap forward instead. So hard to be angry and hate you as I should, but I can't. And it isn't as if I am trying to hold on, because I'm genuinely not. But with every action there is a reaction; with every cause there is an effect. It's the law of the universe to have a counterpart to something as to maintain balance.

I have gone over and over this in my mind, and I still cannot believe myself for being stuck like this. It's as if I am seeing myself from the outside as an observer, and not really believing and registering what is really happening to this person. I still can't believe this is happening to me, by my own doing too. I'm slightly in shock that this is really how things are for me. The rationally neutral part of me just can't seem to logically wrap my mind around the reality of this catastrophe, even if my emotions tell me otherwise everyday. Jeez, I sound like some sort of BPD or schizo case; like there are different people within me that are living their own separate lives all at the same time, trapped within my physical whole body. The ability to break things down and consider them as separate entities really does not help me in this case, in fact it most likely serves to further enable this all.

I have never been hit as hard as this.
Even with my very first, novel, puppy, love and heartbreak encounter so many years ago, I don't think that reigned over my thoughts as much as this situation has done.

I can only imagine what your mind thinks about all this emotional wreckage you have experienced first hand when my inebriated self feels like 'reaching out'. I already know what sober me thinks, and it's full of shame, humiliation, and mortification. It all makes me want to disappear long enough so that it all doesn't seem so bad anymore, so it's as if it all never happened- so the mind will forget every action. If I saw the disaster of myself coming, I'd run too. But that's besides the point. What's done is done. But that doesn't mean I want anything either. In fact, truthfully, I don't want anything.

Whenever it happens I always swear that it will never happen again, but I guess my subconscious is having more of a hard time than conscious me. I don't know how I could ever face you again after all the stupid things I've done. And you've always been so calm and composed, and patient nonetheless. I can't imagine what you must be thinking of my behavior. (stupid, immature, etc.) I honestly can't understand nor explain how some actions are really really unpreventable, some of them I didn't even remember the next day. The motives I can't even understand either, I can't understand them because I can't seem to remember them. The only way I find out what I've done is when I began to backtrack all my destructive traces or unexpectedly get hit with something.

I don't know whether to hate you or not because I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. I tried talking to you the last time we spoken on the phone, I wanted to get to the bottom of everything, but you became unreachable again and I can take a hint. I guess the goodness I believe you really do possess, the part I love about you, refuses to believe that you'd be such a cruel and cold person as to really not care at all. But the other part of me takes the signs of silence and avoidance to be what it really is, that nothing ever really meant anything to you, and that I was utterly fooled. It's all become something that might as well have never happened, or should've never happened. But, I am sorry. About everything.

I'm just so tired of trying hard to hate you and forget you forever. After so long, it still creeps up on me no matter how much I fight it. I'm not doing it anymore, the only thing really left is indifference. It all is what it is, and one day it'll all just seem like a distant forgotten memory. I just need to patiently wait for it. This disconnect is a good thing. We shouldn't be near each other. And all this used up space is a waste of useless time. I don't want this.