Can't say I'm not scared as hell to be publishing this entry. But here goes anyway.

The thing is, now you're 'back in my life', at least for the time being. (I don't want to get away with myself again nor overcompensate and I'm scared to allow myself to think positively for fear of losing you again) How can something be so chaotic when nothing romantic has ever even started to begin with?

I'm almost afraid to even speak about it for fear of losing everything again.

And yeah, we really, really, need to have a full on communicative and god, sober, talk. Yet, albeit, the reason we get drunk is that we're too controlled and composed to ever really break down and speak to each other sober, so we use alcohol as a communicative mechanism enabler instead.

But at this point I just want us to be. To exist, co-exist, together. I'm so tired of all the mess and I'm at the point right now where I don't care anymore. (who knows what I'll feel as time passes, but right now this is how I feel) About anything, about the past or whatever. I just want us to stay in eachother's lives, no games goddamnit. Because honestly, if you disappear again, I don't know how I'll be or what I'll become. It was already the worst ever the last time, and if it happens again, I really don't know if I could take it. I don't know how either one of us could handle it, if all what you said the night you contacted me last week was true.

I don't know how to fix us. I don't know anything anymore. But I don't want to lose you again. It's pathetic, I know, but last week being with you- I felt whole again. I can't believe I'm publicly admitting it, but it's true. For the past 9 months I've been walking around with a big hole, a painful void, in my chest. And when I'm with you, I don't feel that way anymore. I never do. Within seconds you manage to make everything better.

There's no one else who has been able to replace you; I don't think anyone can. Yes I'm stuck on you, and sometimes I hate it because letting yourself completely rely one someone is a scary thing. And I'm scared to do it again, and okay, who asked me to? because no one did right? But I either let someone in or I don't, I either love someone or I don't, that zone has never been a gray area and it's way too late to change that or how I feel about you now, because I've already tried and that I failed miserably at.

And what trips me out is that I'm not the type of person to have ever 'pined' for someone as bad as this, let alone vent out all my frustrations in so many goddamn entries. It even makes the cynic part of me sick just thinking about all this indulged in cheesy loss love crap. Bleh lol.

But what are you going to do, out of all the years we've known each other, I never realized my real feelings for you until last year, after you came back and made me trust you again; I never realized just how great a part of me you were, until I lost you.

I'm so tired of missing you and not being able to tell you so. You still say I'm your best friend, that's what you tell me, we can't really be so if we don't try to stay in one another's life. I know I gave up, but that was after I thought you did. And also, so whatever if you don't want me as a girlfriend either, so we'll just stay best friends if that's what you really want. I don't care right now, we'll eventually work everything we need to out, just don't disappear on me again.

And I know I always have to ruin the moment because I'd rather ruin it than run away with a false idea. Yet for right now, I don't want to talk about anything serious anymore, about anything we seriously need to talk about, I just want to enjoy the feeling of the fact that we're actually sort of speaking again. And god, yeah we only live less than 2 minutes away from one another lol, ridiculous. Anyway, I promise, if you don't give up on me, I won't give up on you.