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Friday, July 29, 2011
Chest Anxiety
I'm hurting. Bad. I feel like crying and that my insides are just so bruised, slain, sore, and punctured with holes left oozing painful and irreparable guts. I am trapped within my molecular structure, screaming fury and angst on the inside; yet, so silent on the outside, alone, misunderstood, and never capable of true integration with human beings. There's a storm of emotions circumventing my internal body that I wish would just stop. I feel so incapable.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Desired Disconnection
I've slowly been detaching myself from my social world by choice within this past month. But not nearly as much as I desire and aim. It's impossible to completely cut off all ties from your own reality. And in all honesty, it's not all that beneficial either no matter how powerful the wanting.
I just feel myself yearning for complete disconnect and renewal. I want to start completely fresh and from a pristine slate. I want to completely disappear from everyone and everything who/that is familiar with me; I then want to be revived and sent into a new state of physical being. I'm craving big changes, so much that I want to be taken out of my element. I need it, I need time to heal.
I just feel myself yearning for complete disconnect and renewal. I want to start completely fresh and from a pristine slate. I want to completely disappear from everyone and everything who/that is familiar with me; I then want to be revived and sent into a new state of physical being. I'm craving big changes, so much that I want to be taken out of my element. I need it, I need time to heal.
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Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Psychiatry
Alright, I think it's already clear to me as well as everyone else that I do in fact need to go seek out further counseling for my craziness. But one major thing that is hindering me from affirmative action is, how the hell is it supposed to help me? I've worked out everything in my head over and over and over again for years, understanding the why and the breakdowns behind the reasons of reasons. But how the hell is it supposed to heal me? How the hell is me speaking to a complete stranger about my entire life (tempting as that sounds), "working through them" yet again (believe me I have no problem going through the motions of why I am the way I am, it isn't about my lack of expression), supposed to in fact help me? Are psychiatrists magical superheroes in disguise? I know their trained in a specific way, but what of it? What can they tell me that will help me with myself? What can they tell me about myself that I haven't already registered in my mind about myself already over and over and over again? What can they give me? What? A fake sense of reassurance and security? Fix my highly apparent abandonment issues even though I already am so acclimated to being alone and self reliant? Give me some sense of real, physical, and substantial support? Completely expunge from my heart and mind every little thing that has ever hurt me, still bothers me, and of which continues to weigh in my chest constantly every day? Enable the ability to make me stop worrying and thinking about everything all the time? Turn off my brain? 'cause god oh how I'd love that so that I may be able to have some peace of mind and soul. Confiscate away the fact that I feel so damn empty and hollow all the time? How the fuck is that supposed to happen? You can't fucking rely on a shrink that way, it isn't real.
Sickening
I feel sick.
What is it with parents and their need to turn everything around, take it the wrong way, get defensive, and make everything about themselves. Is it because their parents did that to them when they were younger, so much so that they feel the need to continue repeating this awful killing cycle?
And what is it with my ability to inadvertently hurt or disappoint them, which is never my intention.
Me, being so goddamn rooted in my traditional values (no matter how liberal my standpoints are, but there are two parts of me. My real self, of whom sadly my parents will never get to know because it doesn't even register in them to consider it, and the dutiful Chinese daughter self, of whom they only want to see myself as, or as whom they think I only should be), and having such different perspectives all around to want to constantly break out of the common mold as to try and stop the (well at least my) further perpetuation of a godawful brainwashed ideology, certainly causes a great stir.
Either way you can't win.
When does it end? When does the whole cycle of hurting each other ever end? It doesn't.
I can tell you one thing, bearing the burden and hurt as to try and prevent hurt for your parents can be all too much. And it constantly hurts, for they will never really understand. As I have said before, the fucking generational cultural gap between first generation kids (me) and immigrant parents (them) is far too great for any real progressive understanding to ever succeed or be fully executed productively.
But it definitely is just as burdening on the parents as well seeing as we literally are made from their pieces and that in itself is a whole other connected category in itself. Either way, you can't win. I've tried for almost a decade, and believe it- nothing has progressed, everything just becomes repressed and avoided. Unless you come from straight up fled from communism immigrant parents, I don't think you could fully understand the complete extent of this great disconnect. Asian parents think a certain way, I can only speak for my Chinese/Taiwanese parents, but they all think a certain way because they are so rooted in traditional culture and a whole different set of Eastern ideologies completely different from the created American ones.
Yet, what gets me the most is their inability to see me as the person I am. As an individual with my own beliefs and real theories and viewpoints on life. Even when I try to share, they zone out and don't hear me. (my mother) Or they just take it in a completely wrong way that I am just a 'bad kid' with my need for expression through tattoos and what not, or even relief for the matter. (my father) I cannot tell you how many times I am actually trying to talk to my mother and within seconds, she zones out and doesn't even hear me. They immediately start talking about something else leading me to think they cannot even fathom that I am a person with her own intentions towards life and her own distinct philosophies. And that every thing I choose to do has a real purpose rather than just "for fun" or "for the hell of it" as my father wrongly yet strongly believes. They don't even consider that there is a greater extension of me that I honestly and adamantly believe to be the best part of me of whom I am so proud of and take pride in being. And it's sad that they'll never get a chance to know who I really am or be a part of me because they're so blinded by only seeing what they want to see or what they only choose to see.
Don't even get me started on my mother's ability to make my huge and personal disorders with depression all completely about her. And you can't tell them that childhood is the cause of most of it because of environmental factors, since that would only hurt them even more. Knowing it's their fault but never being able to say it, or actually saying it and then causing more rifts in the already broken familial structure. When I tell her how I feel, it only ever takes less than 10 seconds for her to refute back with her issues of how this affects her. It doesn't matter how much this all tears me up, no, what matters is how this affects her and makes her feel. It bothers me that emotions can't ever be fucking put aside for once just to hear the other person out in order for a greater understanding. Either way there is a major miscommunication regardless of how badly both parties want to repair and bridge the inability to fully reach real progress.
I'm too exhausted to even edit this, so pardon the inconsistent flow or accidental minor structure/syntax/grammar errors. I'm going back to bed.
What is it with parents and their need to turn everything around, take it the wrong way, get defensive, and make everything about themselves. Is it because their parents did that to them when they were younger, so much so that they feel the need to continue repeating this awful killing cycle?
And what is it with my ability to inadvertently hurt or disappoint them, which is never my intention.
Me, being so goddamn rooted in my traditional values (no matter how liberal my standpoints are, but there are two parts of me. My real self, of whom sadly my parents will never get to know because it doesn't even register in them to consider it, and the dutiful Chinese daughter self, of whom they only want to see myself as, or as whom they think I only should be), and having such different perspectives all around to want to constantly break out of the common mold as to try and stop the (well at least my) further perpetuation of a godawful brainwashed ideology, certainly causes a great stir.
Either way you can't win.
When does it end? When does the whole cycle of hurting each other ever end? It doesn't.
I can tell you one thing, bearing the burden and hurt as to try and prevent hurt for your parents can be all too much. And it constantly hurts, for they will never really understand. As I have said before, the fucking generational cultural gap between first generation kids (me) and immigrant parents (them) is far too great for any real progressive understanding to ever succeed or be fully executed productively.
But it definitely is just as burdening on the parents as well seeing as we literally are made from their pieces and that in itself is a whole other connected category in itself. Either way, you can't win. I've tried for almost a decade, and believe it- nothing has progressed, everything just becomes repressed and avoided. Unless you come from straight up fled from communism immigrant parents, I don't think you could fully understand the complete extent of this great disconnect. Asian parents think a certain way, I can only speak for my Chinese/Taiwanese parents, but they all think a certain way because they are so rooted in traditional culture and a whole different set of Eastern ideologies completely different from the created American ones.
Yet, what gets me the most is their inability to see me as the person I am. As an individual with my own beliefs and real theories and viewpoints on life. Even when I try to share, they zone out and don't hear me. (my mother) Or they just take it in a completely wrong way that I am just a 'bad kid' with my need for expression through tattoos and what not, or even relief for the matter. (my father) I cannot tell you how many times I am actually trying to talk to my mother and within seconds, she zones out and doesn't even hear me. They immediately start talking about something else leading me to think they cannot even fathom that I am a person with her own intentions towards life and her own distinct philosophies. And that every thing I choose to do has a real purpose rather than just "for fun" or "for the hell of it" as my father wrongly yet strongly believes. They don't even consider that there is a greater extension of me that I honestly and adamantly believe to be the best part of me of whom I am so proud of and take pride in being. And it's sad that they'll never get a chance to know who I really am or be a part of me because they're so blinded by only seeing what they want to see or what they only choose to see.
Don't even get me started on my mother's ability to make my huge and personal disorders with depression all completely about her. And you can't tell them that childhood is the cause of most of it because of environmental factors, since that would only hurt them even more. Knowing it's their fault but never being able to say it, or actually saying it and then causing more rifts in the already broken familial structure. When I tell her how I feel, it only ever takes less than 10 seconds for her to refute back with her issues of how this affects her. It doesn't matter how much this all tears me up, no, what matters is how this affects her and makes her feel. It bothers me that emotions can't ever be fucking put aside for once just to hear the other person out in order for a greater understanding. Either way there is a major miscommunication regardless of how badly both parties want to repair and bridge the inability to fully reach real progress.
I'm too exhausted to even edit this, so pardon the inconsistent flow or accidental minor structure/syntax/grammar errors. I'm going back to bed.
Quitting
I'm drowning.
God, I'm so unhappy, fitful, and numb all at the same time. I am so irritated all the time by everything and can't help picking fights whenever for no reason. So much that I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. All I really want to do is cry and run a goddamn knife along my entire body, but I can't do either. The only thing I can do is stay holed in my sanctuary of a room and try to perpetually sleep everything away. That, and the fact that I just don't feel like getting out if bed. Is this just being purely lazy? Or is this depression driven lack of huge motivation? I feel like such a failure that I can't tell anymore, everyone else just thinks it's just mere laziness. They can't imagine or understand how chaotic my insides are, I've even tried sharing, which only ever turns out to be a big mistake- they can't fathom it or understand how deeply rooted it actually is. They think it can be cured 'just like that', bullshit.
Oh and I think i'm quitting my job, I haven't been in the past two days nor do I plan on today, I've also been letting the ball drop now for a good amount of months. I know it isn't fair to those around me, but I can't work there anymore, it's a big part of what is making me so goddamn unhappy. I literally cannot scrounge up the least bit of motivation to go, the thought of getting up for working there is killing me. All that resonates in my mind when I think about this job is "I can't do this anymore." Something needs to change right? It's bad when you have obligations and can't even manage it for the life of you to get up in time to be somewhere because you have to be. It can't go on like this right? I just feel so angry all the time and want to break/smash/throw everything. I haven't been sleeping well at all at nights for a long time now, I'm beginning to consider taking drowsy cold medicine again just to get some relief. I don't want to be awake anymore, ever.
Call me a coward and call me a quitter, I don't care. Cheers to royally fucking up my life.
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No Such Luck
There is no such thing as winning in life, we all lose one way or another.
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Sunday, July 17, 2011
Wishes And Reality
I wish it would rain. I always wish it would rain, there's just something about the melancholy that I'm utterly addicted to that is able to comfort me extensively. Maybe I really should move to a northern region of which does rain all the time.
More so,
I wish something real would find me. Because I so need it. This will probably be the only time I ever will say it or even fully and earnestly admit a buried desire, but, I do need to be loved- so fully, unconditionally, rightly, and completely. Pathetic right?
But I always am in need of it.
The truth? In the plainest words?
The truth is, I'm sad. I'm so sad. And so honestly defective.
A secret that is not so much of a one to this space, but a great one to my real existing physical environment. I crave something, so much, all of the time- subconsciously or consciously, that is when I allow it, of which I'm am completely incapable of emotionally and mentally letting myself attain.
I am a good and great liar as well as an incredible pretender, so much that I should deserve an award, to my entire existing reality of a social world habitat. No one close to me or around my person even remotely knows or can even be able to conclusively fathom and understand the confusing pain I bear within my body daily. Oh how I wish I wasn't made like this to feel so much.
Even from early childhood I knew within every molecule of my being that something was so different about me from the rest of my peers. I knew already then that I didn't fit in anywhere and probably never would.
Yet, I now embrace my intense diversity with positive and compellingly happy open arms- I actually really love it, how different I think and really am made of, it's just the dark side of which bothers me and creates problems. There are always tough glitches that weigh you down. Some more so than others.
Yet, there's nothing that can be done, except keep moving forward.
Shit, yeah I really need to seek out a psychiatrist. I'm working on that though, soon in due time, relax. In the mean time, sit back and enjoy the relevance, or contrast.
It's 5:47am right now, yeah I'd say I need to call it a night and try to sleep. I love sleeping because I never am able to do it well, if even at all. I love being sent into another dimension of possibilities through dream. We all already know I'd rather sleep and dream all the time, forever. If only I could find a way to make it last, because when I wake, ever terrible ache comes rushing back. Sleep dreaming is the only real safe place for me away from everything, away from myself.
More so,
I wish something real would find me. Because I so need it. This will probably be the only time I ever will say it or even fully and earnestly admit a buried desire, but, I do need to be loved- so fully, unconditionally, rightly, and completely. Pathetic right?
But I always am in need of it.
The truth? In the plainest words?
The truth is, I'm sad. I'm so sad. And so honestly defective.
A secret that is not so much of a one to this space, but a great one to my real existing physical environment. I crave something, so much, all of the time- subconsciously or consciously, that is when I allow it, of which I'm am completely incapable of emotionally and mentally letting myself attain.
I am a good and great liar as well as an incredible pretender, so much that I should deserve an award, to my entire existing reality of a social world habitat. No one close to me or around my person even remotely knows or can even be able to conclusively fathom and understand the confusing pain I bear within my body daily. Oh how I wish I wasn't made like this to feel so much.
Even from early childhood I knew within every molecule of my being that something was so different about me from the rest of my peers. I knew already then that I didn't fit in anywhere and probably never would.
Yet, I now embrace my intense diversity with positive and compellingly happy open arms- I actually really love it, how different I think and really am made of, it's just the dark side of which bothers me and creates problems. There are always tough glitches that weigh you down. Some more so than others.
Yet, there's nothing that can be done, except keep moving forward.
Shit, yeah I really need to seek out a psychiatrist. I'm working on that though, soon in due time, relax. In the mean time, sit back and enjoy the relevance, or contrast.
It's 5:47am right now, yeah I'd say I need to call it a night and try to sleep. I love sleeping because I never am able to do it well, if even at all. I love being sent into another dimension of possibilities through dream. We all already know I'd rather sleep and dream all the time, forever. If only I could find a way to make it last, because when I wake, ever terrible ache comes rushing back. Sleep dreaming is the only real safe place for me away from everything, away from myself.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Darwinism At Its Best
So I've come to a conclusion, I think I'm going to die young. Or at least definitely not make it to old age. I'd be lucky if I even make it that far. If it were (is) survival of the fittest, I would so not have a chance. In fact, I would probably be killed off somewhere in the middle of all the survival extremes and evolution.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well, aside from my impaired mental and emotional health- because this isn't even about that mainly- my physical health has never been what you would call superior. Actually to say the least, my physical body is all fucked up. Literally.
Oh how I accept the facts, let me count the ways. Actually, I've never actually listed them out before or thought about them in an organized and collective way. So it'll be interested to see it all down in one space. Let's give it a go.
I was born with a heart murmur, but luckily by the time I was nearing middle school it closed up. I can tell you from personal experience that having to take antibiotics an hour before and after every single possible thing involving ingested blood (teeth cleanings, orthodontia, etc.) was not very fun as a child.
Okay, actually I was born with more than a heart murmur, I was jaundiced and had to be put under the bright ass light to help my skin pigmentation. Makes sense because severe jaundice signifies other health issues.
Among many health issues, I had severe allergies/eczema. Whenever I ate something that wasn't fresh my body would react. (my body now to this day is still very sensitive, I thought this happened to everyone, but apparently not. ie; whenever, and I mean whenever- even within a day- the weather changes, my skin reacts, but I've already elaborated on that story with my make up and description adventures. I also still get really bad allergies. When I was younger it was worse though, I've been sent to the emergency room twice for really bad accidental food allergies (you know, lungs and throat close up, entire body itchy, hives and redness, whole face bloats up- eyes, mouth, tongue, everything, wheezing and thus coughing to try to breathe, haha think the movie Hitch except with that comical crrr noise he makes and the finger in ear sticking scenario, dunno what that was all about but oh how great Will Smith does it and is, yep) along with many other allergy breakouts, but I waited out the breakouts because goddamn hospitals don't come cheap even if you do have insurance. Only when I couldn't completely breathe than I went to the hospital.
To this day I still don't know what causes them, but it's something to do with lack of cleanliness of cooking (same oils, not regularly cleaned grills, etc.) or freshness of food. I had really bad skin apparently (cracked, red, dry- think in an allergic sense of way), I don't remember myself, but this is what I've been told. I just remember having to drink a lot of Chinese apothecary herbal medicinal remedies every day (in case you've never tried it, it's bitter as hell- but Eastern medicines work, they've surpassed and survived for so long for a reason. duh, don't hate), not only that but I also bathed in it to help my skin. I honestly don't remember how I might've looked, but I do remember the baths in the kitchen sink filled with an herbal medicine-like broth and having to drink a separate kind for my health. (different remedies for different ailments, it's not all the same- and no, all asians do not in fact all look a like) But, for someone with such bad skin, my epidermis is actually quite nice and smooth- aside from the sensitive breakouts on my face and scars. I say I've turned out quite well for a girl with a family of bad genes.
Mild asthma- my father smoked until I was 4. He quit cold turkey though, suppose that's where I get my strong will power and non-physical addiction to nicotine. I don't think I have asthma anymore though because I'm good on the cardio thing now. Before when I was a child I couldn't run because I couldn't breathe, now it's about endurance. I used to think it was so weird that everyone could run far for a prolonged period of time, but I just couldn't. Meh.
In middle school for the 7th grade spinal inspection (you know, they do that with the whole hepatitis shot thingy cause people are going through puberty), it was found that I indeed have a severe case of scoliosis. A case of what is called the C-hip and spine curvature. What most people don't know about is the uneven muscles of which support your bones are more detrimental than your actual skeleton. It's what causes curvature and everything to be uneven. Yeah, not cool. Despite routine visits to the chiropractor, I will always have problems and still do to this day, every day. I'm not worried now, but am if I ever do decide to have children. I'm worried about what the weight will do to my spine. Also, I was told that if I was older and took a really big fall that I might need iron rod thingies put in to hold it up, I dunno. But not good right?
y the by, my family has never had great bone structure and health to begin with. (yayy.. not.) I think I am slightly bow-legged, more so in my right leg and I have weak ankles and wrists. And my knees are a bit worn I think from years of dance, karate, activity in general. But, I do have a great pair of legs for my skeletal structure. I've been told I have killer legs. Har har, yes you've got to gloat and take it where you can get it sometimes haha.
Indeed, I have bunions! I know, it sounds gross but it really isn't as severe as it seems. I Actually like the way my feet look, they're cute. If they were ugly I would say so. (like my hands, they're ugly- well, it's the kind you know where she's done work before instead of the soft and fragile hands that point evidence to having never worked with their hands a day in their lives. ie; household chores, etc. they're not rough but not super soft like most females. they're not slender, they're not short but they're kind of stubby, but not fatty or meaty. and I crack my knuckles, but not so much anymore, a lot so much when I was younger. and not to mention my odd trait that I've had all my life- they have a lot of lines on them, like an insane amount on the palms in every which way) And I have high arches, but that's not a bad thing. I say being flat footed is far worse, you can't dance ballet very well unless you work on it. And it kinda looks not very pretty. Well, to me at least. They're not ugly, but they're weird. They have no curves, as if there are no bones in them. Yes. So I've been wearing orthopedics ever since 6th grade. Yes, oh the glory of health issues. I do have heavy bones (big bones- not calling myself fat because I'm not, I'm saying when you match up your bones next to someone elses and they literally are bigger), but that's okay because I figure a less chance of early osteoporosis! Yay, go me for drinking vitamin D milk every single day in elementary school. Well, up until I hit 4th grade where I dared myself to try chocolate milk, and then it was all over from there. Chocolate milk is too legit to quit. 'Tis true.
Um, let's see what else. I know there are tons of which I am forgetting. It's been so long and my body has never been this strong and healthy before that I've forgotten the old problems that used to ail me as a child.
Oh, right. Can't forget about my routine headaches/migranes. They used to be worse when I was a child. I think it's due to my insomnia thingy that's on and off throughout my life. Every time I don't get enough rest I get headaches or feel sick like throwing up. If it happens for a prolonged period of time where I get no rest, then the waking up with migranes come until I get a sufficient amount of proper sleep. You body does in fact heal the most when you're in rest. That's what happens now. But when I was a kid, they would get so bad that I would throw up and light sensitivity was utterly horrible. Yeah, typical migrane symptoms my friends. Come to think of it, now that I am actually laying down my almost entire medical history, my body is surprisingly a lot better and healthier. I am actually in great shape and physical condition. (Well, sorta. As much as it can get and I'm in my fabulous young 20s.)
Mmkay right on to eyesight. I am near-sighted with a degree of -4.25 with qan astigmatism in my left eye. (started wearing classes in 3rd grade, it's a minor sacrifice to partake in the joys of extensive reading for leisure) The good thing is my eye sight hasn't changed or worsened in 3 years, so yay! Both are (were) the same degree, but my left eye astigmatism causes things to not look as clearly, so it's up to -4.50. (bleh, not so yay, but optometrist said that it's barely a difference. let's hope) However, lately I feel as though my eyesight has worsened. Things are not as clear sometimes and a bit blurry when I used to be able to see perfectly. I don't know if it's because of my chronic fatigue because I can't sleep at night anymore or that my eyesight really has worsening from the increase in my reading hobby and intensive studying I have taken up. (studying to be elaborated and shared with in due time, I have a written entry, but just haven't had the time or complete bravery to announce it just yet)
Well, I think that's all that I can think of for now. I don't have to even bring up the physicality in the unbalanced chemicals and hormones in my body right? You know, those that make me the crazy person I am and have to take crazy pills? Haha, okay but we all know that isn't solely from the cause of an imbalance but works with a combination of childhood psychological issues and experiences. Yes'm.
I've been thinking a lot about my health this year and last year ever since I hit past 21 years of age. (can you tell? haha) and I'm beginning to get scared that I won't make it. I hate my perfectionist nature. I seem to have this idea that once something is ruined, it's ruined forever and I'd do anything to get it back to its once pristine condition. But we all know that's never possible. Anyway, I'm working on how I'm going to speak to my physician and let him know that my state of minds are really worse than I let on and working on the ability/capability of asking for more help. I have I think a month or so to work up the courage, so hopefully when push comes to shove I won't be such a goddamn chicken shit and be too afraid to admit I have a real real problem. I think it's because once I tell an official official, than it's straight up on official record and thus really really officially proclaimed. Thus unable to avoid or deny anymore. Meh, life.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well, aside from my impaired mental and emotional health- because this isn't even about that mainly- my physical health has never been what you would call superior. Actually to say the least, my physical body is all fucked up. Literally.
Oh how I accept the facts, let me count the ways. Actually, I've never actually listed them out before or thought about them in an organized and collective way. So it'll be interested to see it all down in one space. Let's give it a go.
I was born with a heart murmur, but luckily by the time I was nearing middle school it closed up. I can tell you from personal experience that having to take antibiotics an hour before and after every single possible thing involving ingested blood (teeth cleanings, orthodontia, etc.) was not very fun as a child.
Okay, actually I was born with more than a heart murmur, I was jaundiced and had to be put under the bright ass light to help my skin pigmentation. Makes sense because severe jaundice signifies other health issues.
Among many health issues, I had severe allergies/eczema. Whenever I ate something that wasn't fresh my body would react. (my body now to this day is still very sensitive, I thought this happened to everyone, but apparently not. ie; whenever, and I mean whenever- even within a day- the weather changes, my skin reacts, but I've already elaborated on that story with my make up and description adventures. I also still get really bad allergies. When I was younger it was worse though, I've been sent to the emergency room twice for really bad accidental food allergies (you know, lungs and throat close up, entire body itchy, hives and redness, whole face bloats up- eyes, mouth, tongue, everything, wheezing and thus coughing to try to breathe, haha think the movie Hitch except with that comical crrr noise he makes and the finger in ear sticking scenario, dunno what that was all about but oh how great Will Smith does it and is, yep) along with many other allergy breakouts, but I waited out the breakouts because goddamn hospitals don't come cheap even if you do have insurance. Only when I couldn't completely breathe than I went to the hospital.
To this day I still don't know what causes them, but it's something to do with lack of cleanliness of cooking (same oils, not regularly cleaned grills, etc.) or freshness of food. I had really bad skin apparently (cracked, red, dry- think in an allergic sense of way), I don't remember myself, but this is what I've been told. I just remember having to drink a lot of Chinese apothecary herbal medicinal remedies every day (in case you've never tried it, it's bitter as hell- but Eastern medicines work, they've surpassed and survived for so long for a reason. duh, don't hate), not only that but I also bathed in it to help my skin. I honestly don't remember how I might've looked, but I do remember the baths in the kitchen sink filled with an herbal medicine-like broth and having to drink a separate kind for my health. (different remedies for different ailments, it's not all the same- and no, all asians do not in fact all look a like) But, for someone with such bad skin, my epidermis is actually quite nice and smooth- aside from the sensitive breakouts on my face and scars. I say I've turned out quite well for a girl with a family of bad genes.
Mild asthma- my father smoked until I was 4. He quit cold turkey though, suppose that's where I get my strong will power and non-physical addiction to nicotine. I don't think I have asthma anymore though because I'm good on the cardio thing now. Before when I was a child I couldn't run because I couldn't breathe, now it's about endurance. I used to think it was so weird that everyone could run far for a prolonged period of time, but I just couldn't. Meh.
In middle school for the 7th grade spinal inspection (you know, they do that with the whole hepatitis shot thingy cause people are going through puberty), it was found that I indeed have a severe case of scoliosis. A case of what is called the C-hip and spine curvature. What most people don't know about is the uneven muscles of which support your bones are more detrimental than your actual skeleton. It's what causes curvature and everything to be uneven. Yeah, not cool. Despite routine visits to the chiropractor, I will always have problems and still do to this day, every day. I'm not worried now, but am if I ever do decide to have children. I'm worried about what the weight will do to my spine. Also, I was told that if I was older and took a really big fall that I might need iron rod thingies put in to hold it up, I dunno. But not good right?
y the by, my family has never had great bone structure and health to begin with. (yayy.. not.) I think I am slightly bow-legged, more so in my right leg and I have weak ankles and wrists. And my knees are a bit worn I think from years of dance, karate, activity in general. But, I do have a great pair of legs for my skeletal structure. I've been told I have killer legs. Har har, yes you've got to gloat and take it where you can get it sometimes haha.
Indeed, I have bunions! I know, it sounds gross but it really isn't as severe as it seems. I Actually like the way my feet look, they're cute. If they were ugly I would say so. (like my hands, they're ugly- well, it's the kind you know where she's done work before instead of the soft and fragile hands that point evidence to having never worked with their hands a day in their lives. ie; household chores, etc. they're not rough but not super soft like most females. they're not slender, they're not short but they're kind of stubby, but not fatty or meaty. and I crack my knuckles, but not so much anymore, a lot so much when I was younger. and not to mention my odd trait that I've had all my life- they have a lot of lines on them, like an insane amount on the palms in every which way) And I have high arches, but that's not a bad thing. I say being flat footed is far worse, you can't dance ballet very well unless you work on it. And it kinda looks not very pretty. Well, to me at least. They're not ugly, but they're weird. They have no curves, as if there are no bones in them. Yes. So I've been wearing orthopedics ever since 6th grade. Yes, oh the glory of health issues. I do have heavy bones (big bones- not calling myself fat because I'm not, I'm saying when you match up your bones next to someone elses and they literally are bigger), but that's okay because I figure a less chance of early osteoporosis! Yay, go me for drinking vitamin D milk every single day in elementary school. Well, up until I hit 4th grade where I dared myself to try chocolate milk, and then it was all over from there. Chocolate milk is too legit to quit. 'Tis true.
Um, let's see what else. I know there are tons of which I am forgetting. It's been so long and my body has never been this strong and healthy before that I've forgotten the old problems that used to ail me as a child.
Oh, right. Can't forget about my routine headaches/migranes. They used to be worse when I was a child. I think it's due to my insomnia thingy that's on and off throughout my life. Every time I don't get enough rest I get headaches or feel sick like throwing up. If it happens for a prolonged period of time where I get no rest, then the waking up with migranes come until I get a sufficient amount of proper sleep. You body does in fact heal the most when you're in rest. That's what happens now. But when I was a kid, they would get so bad that I would throw up and light sensitivity was utterly horrible. Yeah, typical migrane symptoms my friends. Come to think of it, now that I am actually laying down my almost entire medical history, my body is surprisingly a lot better and healthier. I am actually in great shape and physical condition. (Well, sorta. As much as it can get and I'm in my fabulous young 20s.)
Mmkay right on to eyesight. I am near-sighted with a degree of -4.25 with qan astigmatism in my left eye. (started wearing classes in 3rd grade, it's a minor sacrifice to partake in the joys of extensive reading for leisure) The good thing is my eye sight hasn't changed or worsened in 3 years, so yay! Both are (were) the same degree, but my left eye astigmatism causes things to not look as clearly, so it's up to -4.50. (bleh, not so yay, but optometrist said that it's barely a difference. let's hope) However, lately I feel as though my eyesight has worsened. Things are not as clear sometimes and a bit blurry when I used to be able to see perfectly. I don't know if it's because of my chronic fatigue because I can't sleep at night anymore or that my eyesight really has worsening from the increase in my reading hobby and intensive studying I have taken up. (studying to be elaborated and shared with in due time, I have a written entry, but just haven't had the time or complete bravery to announce it just yet)
Well, I think that's all that I can think of for now. I don't have to even bring up the physicality in the unbalanced chemicals and hormones in my body right? You know, those that make me the crazy person I am and have to take crazy pills? Haha, okay but we all know that isn't solely from the cause of an imbalance but works with a combination of childhood psychological issues and experiences. Yes'm.
I've been thinking a lot about my health this year and last year ever since I hit past 21 years of age. (can you tell? haha) and I'm beginning to get scared that I won't make it. I hate my perfectionist nature. I seem to have this idea that once something is ruined, it's ruined forever and I'd do anything to get it back to its once pristine condition. But we all know that's never possible. Anyway, I'm working on how I'm going to speak to my physician and let him know that my state of minds are really worse than I let on and working on the ability/capability of asking for more help. I have I think a month or so to work up the courage, so hopefully when push comes to shove I won't be such a goddamn chicken shit and be too afraid to admit I have a real real problem. I think it's because once I tell an official official, than it's straight up on official record and thus really really officially proclaimed. Thus unable to avoid or deny anymore. Meh, life.
Continuum
Continuum is by far my favorite album (collectively speaking) from him. I remember when it first came out, utterly blown away and so worth the wait. I loved the new style he had the guts to transition into and share, less acoustic and definitely more plugged in intense blues/soul/rock'n'roll. And you know me, I love that shit. His friggen chord changes and rhyme. It's true, "[We] may have [his] reason, but we will never have [his] rhyme." Gotta hand it to him, boy does know how to rhyme well unlike other tasteless music out there right now.
Absolutely by far one of the best albums ever. I could never get sick of this album, it's all just so damn good. So immaculately well put together and complicated, yet still easy and good to listen to every time. His lyrics are so simple, yet kind of not with the hidden meanings. And damn if they don't hit a all too relevant nerve here and there to all of us. It's like goddamn.
A couple favorites here of coz, and honestly, take me seriously when I enthuse about how great the entire album is. His electric sound is so great. He definitely transitioned well from acoustic.
Absolutely by far one of the best albums ever. I could never get sick of this album, it's all just so damn good. So immaculately well put together and complicated, yet still easy and good to listen to every time. His lyrics are so simple, yet kind of not with the hidden meanings. And damn if they don't hit a all too relevant nerve here and there to all of us. It's like goddamn.
A couple favorites here of coz, and honestly, take me seriously when I enthuse about how great the entire album is. His electric sound is so great. He definitely transitioned well from acoustic.
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Monday, July 11, 2011
Secret
I'm scared that I may really need more help than I already do. I don't have the courage to admit to my physician, who is prescribing me the medication, just how bad the extent of my depression is. I am incapable of admitting to him of my darker follies. He doesn't know about my suicidal thoughts or how much self loathing I go through. And I know I should tell him and start to see a psychiatrist, but how do I even manage to speak those initial words?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
don't- too late.
stop, don't even think about it. why did you let yourself think about it tonight? 'cause, you are a complete idiot. plain and simple.
of all the billion things i regret ever letting happen and wish i could take back, the idot that i am. of all the effort i've collected, why do i miss you still? this is such bullshit. (such bullshit to still think about you when i never meant anything close as much to you.)
broke 2 promises to myself tonight. guess which, it's not hard.
of all the billion things i regret ever letting happen and wish i could take back, the idot that i am. of all the effort i've collected, why do i miss you still? this is such bullshit. (such bullshit to still think about you when i never meant anything close as much to you.)
broke 2 promises to myself tonight. guess which, it's not hard.
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band-aid shortage
i always manage to quickly run out of them, such as right now. i know i said i wouldn't anymore, but fuck it- old habits always die hard and everything is an on-going life process to be taken and dealt with moment to moment (i'll admit, this isn't the first time since i stopped. i just haven't said a word the times i've joyously needed the indulgement, duh go figure. sick? twisted? well i don't care what you think. afterall, i started in 2nd grade unaware of absolute and complete understanding, and it's hard to part with the only thing of which has ever really been there for you as a sense of security. plus, i really don't even physically feel it anymore when i do it, it's just a distant sting matched with a euphoric soothing. why is the mere sight of running crimson so cathartic and comforting to me? shit, we all know why, if you tap into proclaimed psychological psyche. i think i've discussed and deduced it so much already that i no longer need to justify my actions any longer. and frankly as of tonight, i don't care what anyone else thinks of who i am or what i do anymore. i'm so incapable of real and full repair that nothing matters anymore.
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you're (i) a complete idiot
i can't breathe. i just want to sleep forever and never wake up. i know i need help, but truth be told, i don't want it. i just want to be left alone indefinitely.
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Wednesday, July 6, 2011
2 Parts Vociferation, 0 Parts Compromisation/Understanding
I think at any age, it's never a pleasantry to witness your parents in a super heated argument. Even if you've experienced these your whole entire life.
Initial reaction: "Holy shit, they're fighting in the street." This is a new one even for them. They came home, garage opened and started fighting. I'm upstairs and I can hear them echoing and filling up the entire street. After 15 years (they've done this before when I was like 7- and it actually happened in the street), the barrier of the Chinese/Taiwanese art of never airing your dirty laundry out in public- even to your close friends- and always upholding a perfect facade has just been crossed and fully smashed. 15 years of constant privacy and keeping to ourselves has been defeated within a matter of minutes. We've always seen other families handle unfortunate series of events, but never us.
Well, now us I guess.
Yet, to be honest at this point, it doesn't even seriously bother me (to the core of where my true being stems from) anymore. Only the entire lack of understanding and personal growth for my both of parents is what gets me. Along with the fact that these contiguous familial deep rooted issues/skeletons are forever unresolvable. Because I am the kind of person who absolutely needs to find and have a solution to any issue, for it to be completely erased from my heart and mind, or else it will perpetually linger on and weigh down my insides.
It got so bad even one of my father's close friends who lives minutes away showed up on the front door telling them not to fight anymore. I guess it started at his house. (they're supposed to be having dinner over there)
Oh, and of course the noise radiated is kind of annoying.
Sorry neighbors.
Initial reaction: "Holy shit, they're fighting in the street." This is a new one even for them. They came home, garage opened and started fighting. I'm upstairs and I can hear them echoing and filling up the entire street. After 15 years (they've done this before when I was like 7- and it actually happened in the street), the barrier of the Chinese/Taiwanese art of never airing your dirty laundry out in public- even to your close friends- and always upholding a perfect facade has just been crossed and fully smashed. 15 years of constant privacy and keeping to ourselves has been defeated within a matter of minutes. We've always seen other families handle unfortunate series of events, but never us.
Well, now us I guess.
Yet, to be honest at this point, it doesn't even seriously bother me (to the core of where my true being stems from) anymore. Only the entire lack of understanding and personal growth for my both of parents is what gets me. Along with the fact that these contiguous familial deep rooted issues/skeletons are forever unresolvable. Because I am the kind of person who absolutely needs to find and have a solution to any issue, for it to be completely erased from my heart and mind, or else it will perpetually linger on and weigh down my insides.
It got so bad even one of my father's close friends who lives minutes away showed up on the front door telling them not to fight anymore. I guess it started at his house. (they're supposed to be having dinner over there)
Oh, and of course the noise radiated is kind of annoying.
Sorry neighbors.
Repost- My Thoughts Exactly
Thank you once again Le Love.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
scared I’m chasing nothing.
weheartit
It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.
But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?
I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.
r
Posted by Le Love at 11:41 PM
Yep.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
scared I’m chasing nothing.
weheartit
It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.
But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?
I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.
r
Posted by Le Love at 11:41 PM
Yep.
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