So I like to eat oranges. Really sour ones at that. Usually I peel the oranges by slicing the skin with a knife so that I can proceed to peal the rest and savour the sour juiciness of the Vitamin C enriched goodness. Today as I was trying to peel my second orange, the too careless and clumsy person that I am, I managed to literally slice my left index finger with a very sharp kitchen knife.
It wasn't a downward slicing motion but rather a hard, very quick, deep press into my finger, but I would call it a slice rather than a cut nonetheless. A cut is too shallow and minute. I have to admit that when it happened, the first thought that went through my mind was shit, then to be followed by an indifferent emotion. For one thing, my very unfortunate consensual mishap that occurred last September in the entries of Fuck My Life and Back In The Dark Place- Major Relapse (Warning: dark and unstable entries) has left me with a very ugly scar that I now wish was never there because it does cause too much unwanted speculation from others and a waste of my own breath for loathed explication. It's not so much my vanity with the great number of scares that inhabit my body, though it is with this obvious one as I have slowly learned with time and age the importance of taking care of one's body from acknowledged lack of resilience, but more so the questions from others that I would very much rather not have to deal with since I prefer not to deal with people in general. And now I am doing the best I can to make it heal better, though I know and fear it may be impossible for the severe damage I had done to myself, but I can only hope it will get better even if so many months have passed and I am still left with a severe unflattering and pink fleshy scar.
As for my finger incident, I didn't know what to feel as I never know what to feel by unexpected and sudden bodily mutilation that was not self induced and consented. I don't know whether I am happy or kicking myself in the ass for my clumsiness. But as I saw the blood gushing out of my finger I couldn't help but be attracted to continue the full on examination of my finger and the clean and deep slit that had been accidentally made. Also, I love bandages, so not so bad.
I have heard, and may have mentioned before, that when the body gets hurt or say cut, the brain releases endorphin-like chemicals to make yourself feel good. So maybe that is the reason why such things hurt so good to me and how I entirely prefer external pain rather than internal pain.
After acknowledging how clean the cut was and understanding that it would heal the right way, I confess that my masochistic preferences kicked in and I wasn't sad. When these things happen they are of no great significance to me as I am one of the most clumsiest persons you will ever know.
When the blade pressed down into my finger with such quick efficiency, I can tell you that I actually did not feel it as one would've. I actually didn't feel it at all. And I don't know whether to be surprised or astonished at my own nerve endings. Maybe because it happened to quickly, or maybe it was my tolerance for physical pain. But I thought that was pretty exciting to share since it has really been a while since I have spoken about that hidden part of me especially since my different emotional sides often seem to be competing with each other and usually one wins out of the other.
Cheers.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Transcendence
I wish that I could be transported to the pristine and beautiful world that is slower and simpler that my heart desperately wishes for. One that relishes in the moments that take your breath away. That one ideal place in my mind that I find myself constantly longing for and hoping I get to dream about as I sleep.The romanticist in me craves a time period in a place that doesn't seem to exist anymore.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Remember Happy Friday? Remember The Entry Before It?
Relate everything back together.
Whatever.
Nobody ever really cares.
In the end all you have is yourself.
Cosmic psychoanalysis.
I try way too hard.
It can't be helped.
I roller coaster way too hard.
It can't be helped.
Just one.
Fuck it.
I'm so over it.
Back to reclusivity.
This shit's dunzo.
Whatever.
Nobody ever really cares.
In the end all you have is yourself.
Cosmic psychoanalysis.
I try way too hard.
It can't be helped.
I roller coaster way too hard.
It can't be helped.
Just one.
Fuck it.
I'm so over it.
Back to reclusivity.
This shit's dunzo.
Unbelievable
I am at a loss for words right now as I am sitting here with shock and increasing numbness, but all I can say is that I feel like crying so badly. Mind you this has absolutely nothing to do with the previous post. This is a whole different situation all on its own. But everything to do with the fragility of my own crazy mind. Fuck. I actually have tears steaming down my face which seems almost insane and nonsensical because I never have been able to cry when I have felt like it or really wanted to for relief. Talk about the miraculous workings of frustration and anxiety mixed in with disbelief and being utterly thrown off. Thanks, a lot. Fuck.
I need a hard drink and a Marlboro.
I need a hard drink and a Marlboro.
The Transient
Sometimes it is so extraordinarily unbelievable just how fleeting friends can be and how quick they are to forget you or the importance the friendship ever meant.
I make it a point never to ever disregard or take any of the people who have ever been kind to me. I always try to treat everyone with kindness and compassion that is paved with good intentions even if my attitude seems to be less than desirable since I tend to implement a tough love sort of rule. But it doesn't mean I care any less or don't weigh a heavy conscience. Granted I am definitely not perfect. In fact I am hopelessly flawed and the very epitome of imperfection, but I would can say that I am too empathetic. It is just so disheartening when people you've once cared about so deeply somehow manage to discard you so easily without their conscience to guide them. The bigger problem is how forgiving I am.
Such as the continuum of life, one can only move forward and never go back.
I relate that to words I live by. Keep moving forward in progress because I don't ever go backwards, only fowards. Not just because I don't like to repeat the past or be near any resemblance of it (it makes me literally feel sick from the result of other psychological issues I'll leave up to interpretation), but I believe that you should leave the past where it belongs and forge your own and new way since nothing is ever the same twice.
I make it a point never to ever disregard or take any of the people who have ever been kind to me. I always try to treat everyone with kindness and compassion that is paved with good intentions even if my attitude seems to be less than desirable since I tend to implement a tough love sort of rule. But it doesn't mean I care any less or don't weigh a heavy conscience. Granted I am definitely not perfect. In fact I am hopelessly flawed and the very epitome of imperfection, but I would can say that I am too empathetic. It is just so disheartening when people you've once cared about so deeply somehow manage to discard you so easily without their conscience to guide them. The bigger problem is how forgiving I am.
Such as the continuum of life, one can only move forward and never go back.
I relate that to words I live by. Keep moving forward in progress because I don't ever go backwards, only fowards. Not just because I don't like to repeat the past or be near any resemblance of it (it makes me literally feel sick from the result of other psychological issues I'll leave up to interpretation), but I believe that you should leave the past where it belongs and forge your own and new way since nothing is ever the same twice.
Happy Friday
Okay so, a couple of days ago I had written a couple of drafts about my inner thoughts and what not, but then I decided not to publish them. One of them was just a passing irrational yet truthful sentiment, while the other one spoke about something new. The something new was my change in mood. I thought that there might have been a glimmer of my old self and wit returning back to me. I felt hopeful and somehow that that fire that has always been in me (though recently, okay not recently but for several months, dimished) had somehow slowly began to reegnite and I felt really good about that. I actually felt renewed and argumentative. (Yes argumentative may sound bad, but it caused me to not want to remain silent but to have the want to speak up and discuss anything and everything therefore resulting in the perfection of further progress in my existential self.) I was actually motivated to speak out and converse with everyone when for the past several months I have resorted to being reclusive because of high preference.
I decided not to publish that progressive entry because my thoughts had been interrupted at the moment and I felt that I could not give the entry the respected evaluation and perfection I feel that most of my entries require from me in order to actually publish them for everyone to read, judge, and examine. Although I divulge this occurence, I also do have to admit that I also wrote that I was afraid. I was and still am afraid that my new and rising "good and happy" emotions are just passing sentiments that at any moment pose the unfortunate and high probability to be taken away from me. Since everything I have ever known the bottom has fallen out of. I feel that every time I have the slightest chance of becoming relieved and in any way lighter and carefree, that something out there, some cosmic force out there sends a signal warning the universe of my possible bliss. Thus setting in motion the mission to restore the balance to make things shitty again for me. "It's natural for things to be shitty" right? Yeah, but it doesn't make things any fucking more better in the meantime.
The problem is, I am always afraid to get my hopes up for fear of massive disappointment. I guess I have a displacement psychological issue in that I put so much hope and expectation in semi-minor things (this is a defense and replacement for other deep rooted issues I would rather avoid) and when something does not go perfectly the way that I hoped it would be, then I get immensely low and start to sink.
It is seriously insane how so many thoughts and emotions can come and go (seriously when I say I'm like an emotional rollercoaster, I am not joking) in just a matter of days. I was feeling great up until it suddenly hit me (as my erratic emotions often do for no apparent reason that I can fathom) that I lost my lightness. I've tried to make sense of how my emotions can just alter in an instant, but honestly I don't even understand it after my constant and cyclic trials of evaluations, reevaluations, and revelations. Maybe this would have been better explained had I not been too chickenshit to follow up with my counselor appointment. Hah.
But I do have to admit that usually I'm at at a 7, but today I am at a 6. Which is not as bad. As you can see I am willing to virtually archive my sentiments and I can see that they are slowly becoming more personalized instead of bland and general, so that must be something spectacular worth mentioning. Usually when I am feeling too low, I lose complete agency, even the want to record my thoughts because when I am low I would rather try to avoid and repress to be as far from my cloud of crazy inner thoughts as possible and not do anything. Recording would mean having to type which would therefore require action and motivation which obviously I lack when I am low. Most of the time I just want to block everything out since the world is filled with mindless idiotic droits who are a waste of a life that make me feel like I am surrounded by stupid people all the time so much that it actually contributes to my ever so lovely recluse habit that I am so terribly fond of.
Having my words right in front of me as I type transcends me into a world of my own mind blocking out the outside world (I rather love that part, just one of the great appeals writing does have) leaving anything open to discussion. But with the loss of agency when I am low (I realize I am using the word low in major repetition but I prefer not to use the overtly publicized and overrated word depressed/depression right now), everything is self contradictory. As you can see, it is easy for me to ramble on and on and I never seem to make any sense or stay on the topic I originally started with. This must drive many people crazy, but these are my thoughts so too bad. Haha.
And with all that said, lately, it seems like all I have been wanting to do is write. Write Write Write. All my felt emotions every moment I can. How incredibly incandescently love is that? Mind you I have always said that I don't even know if I can write, or who would ever even want to read my writing because in my mind writers hold a certain standard to the level of artist in my opinion and I have always thought that I never had an artistic bone in my body. (Believe me I can't even color and my drawings are terribly rudimentary) I hold form of writing up on a pedastal to say that it is a type of art that is immensely beautiful. I started this blog as an experiment and reflection for not only myself to look back on and evaluate, but also for feedback of community to help my wanted development.
But I guess writing is writing. And this is writing. (What do you think?) A formulation of specific said thoughts, ideas, and theories placed together in an incredibly calculated way to convey the outcome of perfection of what one (one being me since this is my blog and my own words) really wanted to articulate to begin with, but also in the process allowing the opening up of further exploration of the mind and soul for newer hypothesises and sentiments. Can I say that I am a writer? I am not sure about that or if I have the confidence for that conviction, but what I can say is that before I did not even know if I wanted to be a writer, but now, the idea and possibility is beginning to be more and more optimistically appealing, attainable, and possible. And that feeling is definitely a surpassing revelation.
The problem is, I am not privy to a computer in the majority of my day in which I experience these emotions and by the time that I am, the emotions will have already diminished and the want to record will have gone. Hence the lack of constant entries that contradict my craving to discuss everything virtually.
Yet, as you can see, or at least I have noticed. I feel that my personality is coming back into myself and therefore it is apparent in my writing. With all of that derangement examined and discussed. I am very happy and light today (as I am every Friday since that means a whole free weekend of nothingness and no responsibility from obligations). Every Friday that I wake up great I just want to announce Happy Friday and send it everywhere I possibly can.
I would have to say, some of what I wrote was pretty beautiful in my opinion. (Oh look at that? maybe my profound false confidence may be returning along with my wit and comedic bitter sarcasm as well. I may have just found a way back. Cheers.)
So with all of my broken love, take a sweet kiss and a closed mouth smile. Happy Friday you poor unfortunate kindred souls. <3
I decided not to publish that progressive entry because my thoughts had been interrupted at the moment and I felt that I could not give the entry the respected evaluation and perfection I feel that most of my entries require from me in order to actually publish them for everyone to read, judge, and examine. Although I divulge this occurence, I also do have to admit that I also wrote that I was afraid. I was and still am afraid that my new and rising "good and happy" emotions are just passing sentiments that at any moment pose the unfortunate and high probability to be taken away from me. Since everything I have ever known the bottom has fallen out of. I feel that every time I have the slightest chance of becoming relieved and in any way lighter and carefree, that something out there, some cosmic force out there sends a signal warning the universe of my possible bliss. Thus setting in motion the mission to restore the balance to make things shitty again for me. "It's natural for things to be shitty" right? Yeah, but it doesn't make things any fucking more better in the meantime.
The problem is, I am always afraid to get my hopes up for fear of massive disappointment. I guess I have a displacement psychological issue in that I put so much hope and expectation in semi-minor things (this is a defense and replacement for other deep rooted issues I would rather avoid) and when something does not go perfectly the way that I hoped it would be, then I get immensely low and start to sink.
It is seriously insane how so many thoughts and emotions can come and go (seriously when I say I'm like an emotional rollercoaster, I am not joking) in just a matter of days. I was feeling great up until it suddenly hit me (as my erratic emotions often do for no apparent reason that I can fathom) that I lost my lightness. I've tried to make sense of how my emotions can just alter in an instant, but honestly I don't even understand it after my constant and cyclic trials of evaluations, reevaluations, and revelations. Maybe this would have been better explained had I not been too chickenshit to follow up with my counselor appointment. Hah.
But I do have to admit that usually I'm at at a 7, but today I am at a 6. Which is not as bad. As you can see I am willing to virtually archive my sentiments and I can see that they are slowly becoming more personalized instead of bland and general, so that must be something spectacular worth mentioning. Usually when I am feeling too low, I lose complete agency, even the want to record my thoughts because when I am low I would rather try to avoid and repress to be as far from my cloud of crazy inner thoughts as possible and not do anything. Recording would mean having to type which would therefore require action and motivation which obviously I lack when I am low. Most of the time I just want to block everything out since the world is filled with mindless idiotic droits who are a waste of a life that make me feel like I am surrounded by stupid people all the time so much that it actually contributes to my ever so lovely recluse habit that I am so terribly fond of.
Having my words right in front of me as I type transcends me into a world of my own mind blocking out the outside world (I rather love that part, just one of the great appeals writing does have) leaving anything open to discussion. But with the loss of agency when I am low (I realize I am using the word low in major repetition but I prefer not to use the overtly publicized and overrated word depressed/depression right now), everything is self contradictory. As you can see, it is easy for me to ramble on and on and I never seem to make any sense or stay on the topic I originally started with. This must drive many people crazy, but these are my thoughts so too bad. Haha.
And with all that said, lately, it seems like all I have been wanting to do is write. Write Write Write. All my felt emotions every moment I can. How incredibly incandescently love is that? Mind you I have always said that I don't even know if I can write, or who would ever even want to read my writing because in my mind writers hold a certain standard to the level of artist in my opinion and I have always thought that I never had an artistic bone in my body. (Believe me I can't even color and my drawings are terribly rudimentary) I hold form of writing up on a pedastal to say that it is a type of art that is immensely beautiful. I started this blog as an experiment and reflection for not only myself to look back on and evaluate, but also for feedback of community to help my wanted development.
But I guess writing is writing. And this is writing. (What do you think?) A formulation of specific said thoughts, ideas, and theories placed together in an incredibly calculated way to convey the outcome of perfection of what one (one being me since this is my blog and my own words) really wanted to articulate to begin with, but also in the process allowing the opening up of further exploration of the mind and soul for newer hypothesises and sentiments. Can I say that I am a writer? I am not sure about that or if I have the confidence for that conviction, but what I can say is that before I did not even know if I wanted to be a writer, but now, the idea and possibility is beginning to be more and more optimistically appealing, attainable, and possible. And that feeling is definitely a surpassing revelation.
The problem is, I am not privy to a computer in the majority of my day in which I experience these emotions and by the time that I am, the emotions will have already diminished and the want to record will have gone. Hence the lack of constant entries that contradict my craving to discuss everything virtually.
Yet, as you can see, or at least I have noticed. I feel that my personality is coming back into myself and therefore it is apparent in my writing. With all of that derangement examined and discussed. I am very happy and light today (as I am every Friday since that means a whole free weekend of nothingness and no responsibility from obligations). Every Friday that I wake up great I just want to announce Happy Friday and send it everywhere I possibly can.
I would have to say, some of what I wrote was pretty beautiful in my opinion. (Oh look at that? maybe my profound false confidence may be returning along with my wit and comedic bitter sarcasm as well. I may have just found a way back. Cheers.)
So with all of my broken love, take a sweet kiss and a closed mouth smile. Happy Friday you poor unfortunate kindred souls. <3
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I Really Hate This Twisted Existence Life Screws You With
I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Why is it that nothing I do is ever good enough? All of my good intentions, they always always seem to blow up in my face. Things always get distorted and I end up being the one who is seen in the most horrible light in the process when my intentions are never malevolent. (It's just not in my being to be a jackass) It's like I am seriously not meant to even come remotely close to being content or even lucky. No matter what I do, it's never good enough. I'm never going to be the accepted one. In fact, I'll always be the black sheep. What's the point in even trying to move forward and try to keep my positive demeanor if nothing ever works out in my favor? I know life is not fair, (Fuck, don't I know it) but shouldn't it try to balance out most of the time? Shouldn't something good happen? It's just so fucked up how emotionally screwed up I am. I envy those who have it so easy. And most of them don't even appreciate it. Nothing I seem to do ever seems to be right.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Irate Fury Extinguishing And Post-Thought Semiotics
Okay, so I had the intention of filling up this entry with words and words of fury and free flowing ranting, but I became detained by a conversation I decided to engage in instead. (And I am actually quite thankful for it) As of now I actually do feel quite a bit lighter and indeed the seriously enraging smoke that was completely overwhelming me has quickly become extinguished through the too fortunate form of ranting with one of my very best friends. Coincidentally this friend is the one I had sort of wrote a tribute to in the entry Uplifted Gratitude. In any case, I still wanted to archive my thoughts virtually and thought that a copy and pasting of our conversation would be not only easier for me, (for after I have been brought down to level ground and lost my fury, I feel no need and no want to have to repeat my sentiments for the very apparent reason of preferring not to relive my past emotions, I'm sure you very well understand) but also kind of fun to see things from the perspectives of conversation form. Haha or at least me and my genius friends natural conversation form.
Some background information. I had texted her via cellular of course, followed by her immediate response, and then following up with conversing online instead seeing as her data plan allowed for simultaneous usage.
So here it is (naturally with the alteration of names for pseudonyms):
jane: heyy
jane: i'm going to type here if that's okay
jane: it's faster
jane: than my phone
ashley h: Go for it dear.
jane: okay
ashley h: What's going on?
jane: i get that's he's tired and cranky
jane: but seriously i've learned (the hard way) that it's NOT okay to take it out on other ppl
jane: it's like he's changed into a person that i have seriously known to come to loathe
jane: he's become one of those bitter self centered remorseless guys
jane: at least towards me
jane: because obviously the only person he can take it out on is me because he feels the more superior given our ages
jane: which in no way reflects our true selves
jane: ugh okay so last nite his bitch of a selfish gf wakes up him at 2am by phone call
jane: mind you my brother wakes up around 4-5am everyday
jane: he stands up for himself "i need to wake up in 2 hrs" but does she care no?
jane: so she ends up coming over
jane: and i was going to say something but it's none of my business but i care about his health
jane: whatevers
ashley h: Ok...
jane: okay so he comes home tonite late
jane: which is fine
jane: god it's so stupid
ashley h: No its not
jane: my parents are looking for this dvd that he had borrowed from the collection
jane: my extended family is here
jane: they came down here to hang out
jane: or hang out with the older cousins
ashley h: Sometimes the most insignifigant things are the biggest deal
jane: me and possibly my brother if he still cared enough to come around
jane: thank you for that dear
jane: okay
ashley h: Ok, continue
jane: so he ends up not being able to find it
jane: and comes in
jane: and i'm just standing there
jane: and i swear
jane: i just made a suggestion
jane: in the softest most helpful voice EVER
jane: it was just a random suggestion with no vindictive motive or anything
ashley h: What did you say?
jane: i said something like oh well perhaps it was accidentally misplaced
jane: i mean even my tone of voice was completely just helpful
ashley h: You heartless bitch!
jane: i know right!
jane: we were all just being nice and considerate
ashley h: What did he say/do?
jane: and then he says something
jane: he reacted badly with attitude
jane: and i swear
jane: loosely translated
jane: he was sort of irate
jane: lately all he's been doing is seriously "raging"
jane: so he said something in a huff
ashley h: What did he say?
jane: something like
jane: "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT GODDAMNIT I ALREADY CHECKED"
jane: and i was just thinking
jane: woah were the fuck is all this hostility coming from
jane: what the fuck did i do to you
jane: seriously
jane: when last nite we were fine
jane: time well spent with family
jane: he said something
jane: and i was like
jane: okay relax i didn't say anything bad
jane: and he just BLEW UP
jane: i told him
jane: it wasn't meant to offend
jane: i was just trying to be helpful
jane: that's what i said
jane: and he just BLEW UP
jane: i swear he needs to see a psychoanalyst more than i do
jane: i swear he just blew up
ashley h: Is that possible?
jane: was like what the hell is your problem
jane: blah blah blah
jane: and i was like
jane: dude
ashley h: What did his blow up consist of?
jane: i didn't say anything bad to you or meant anything behind it
jane: why do you always have to get so defensive
jane: i swear everything i say
ashley h: And did any of your family hear it.
jane: he takes it SO SO SO DEFENSIVELY
jane: when in the tone of voice it's obviously not supposed to be taken that way
jane: EVERYONE HEARD IT
jane: i mean i'm trying to help him
ashley h: Oh.... how did everyone react?
jane: but all he ever does is take what i say so defensively
ashley h: Yeah, you are (trying to help)
jane: and he'll by all means NEVER listen to what i have to say
jane: regardless of my experience
ashley h: And did you argue back or were you calm?
jane: i was trying to be calm
jane: and i'd say i was calm
jane: until he started of course being nasty
ashley h: Yeah
jane: i was calm and trying to get him to listen
jane: he doesn't hear things
jane: i was just like dude it wasn't meant to be taken so defensively
jane: and he just blew up like what the fuck blah blah
jane: and then i heard him walk out and say something like you're such a bitch
jane: and i'm like
jane: FOOL I'M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
jane: he left
jane: i let it go
jane: because my parents were there
jane: but i'm like how can you say this shit
ashley h: Yeah
jane: doesn't he have any consideration or concern for family
jane: and how it possibly pains them more than he?
jane: you know?
jane: that's what i mean
jane: he has no regard for anything
jane: and i was talking to my parents
jane: because now i was irate
jane: naturally to be very upset about lack of propriety
jane: anyways
ashley h: so, do you think that's what you are truly upset about (that he has no consideration for your familial values)
jane: i was talking to them like how can he speak to someone like that
jane: no
ashley h: And what did they say?
jane: i'm most upset that that is the person he has become
jane: and it's a serious detriment
jane: because now my brother is an asshole
jane: no one wants that
jane: okay of course
jane: my completely just
jane: i don't want to say insipid because that's mean
jane: but naive isn't the right word either
jane: but
ashley h: Insipid is an excellent word choice
jane: of course my incomprehensible father who doesn't understand shit
jane: but doesn't realize it and therefore compensates by making shit up
jane: that he fully thinks he's right
jane: but he isn't
ashley h: Yeah, incomprehensible is so much better
jane: okay
jane: but
ashley h: Yeah
jane: of course he's like
jane: making up excuses for him
jane: and i'm like
jane: WHAT IS THIS
jane: FUCKING DUMBASS MALE SPECIES
jane: why are they all like that?!
jane: ESPECIALLY ASIAN MEN
jane: goddamn
jane: making up excuses saying shit like "oh serves you right for provoking him when he's tired and coming back from work"
jane: DUDE THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT
jane: you just don't treat any human being like that!
ashley h: How did your mom react?
jane: my mom was more understanding
jane: but also making up excuses
jane: "he's tired
jane: i could see it from the moment he walked in that he wasn't right
jane: he must've had a fight with his gf/ ex gf (whatever) again
jane: blah blah blah"
jane: my dad's always like "you shouldn't have provoked him blah blah"
ashley h: Did you end up throwing a shoe at your parents in rage?
jane: and i'm like DUDE DID YOU NOT HEAR THE SAME CONVERSATION AS I?
jane: i mean god my dad
jane: sometimes the way he treats women is so fucking disgraceful
jane: like seriously he's living in ancient china times
jane: and that they have no credibility or significance
jane: they're just there to pick up the slack and do the shit men don't want to do
jane: my mom was more understanding
jane: she was like i know but right now is not the time
jane: and i understand that
jane: i mean i wasn't going to go after him obviously
jane: and i made my point and spoke to her
ashley h: Obvs
jane: (i had to, i was PISSED)
jane: and you know i hate saying the word pissed
ashley h: No, but now I do
jane: it's vulgar slang which i hate
jane: oh okay
jane: anyways
ashley h: Have you heard you speak sometimes?
jane: no i mean
ashley h: Verbal digressions aside...
jane: if you want to be vulgar be as vulgar as you want
jane: i just HATE the word piss
ashley h: Continue
jane: it's so ugly
jane: you know i hate ugly sounding words
jane: so i try to avoid them
jane: but fuck is not as ugly as piss
jane: okay but we digress
jane: anyway
jane: she understood
jane: i just told her what i told you about how i felt
jane: that he's just become this angry person all the time who won't listen to anyone
jane: how can you honestly think that it's okay to treat people like that
jane: to say these seriously abusive things
ashley h: Yeah
ashley h: Are you feeling a bit better now?
jane: yes i am
jane: thank you so much
jane: i turned on my computer and was like
jane: I'M GOING TO BLOG
ashley h: Not a problem dear
jane: hahaaha
jane: but then i first texted you
ashley h: Hahaha
jane: and this is better
ashley h: Trend whore
jane: i'm thinking about just copying and pasting our conversation
ashley h: Thankls
ashley h: When I read your blog
jane: with the censoring of sn's though
jane: hahaaha
ashley h: And you writing
ashley h: About something non related
jane: ?
jane: hahahaha
jane: yes
ashley h: I am gonna laugh
jane: yah
jane: but jeez
jane: it's just
jane: it at the same time makes me feel bad just for his well being
ashley h: C/P the conversation is slacker status
ashley h: That's really good that you care about him
jane: i hate that i'm the kind of person who feels bad for the villian or underdog all of the time
jane: well he's my brother
ashley h: But truthfully you need to focus on YOU
jane: i feel like he's lost his way
jane: yeahh
jane: but i've done enough evaluating and reevaluating to know enough
jane: or to understand the way i act
ashley h: Because uh... you aren't quite stable enough to focus on other's mental health
jane: for now at least
jane: yeah true
jane: but it doesn't make me care any less
ashley h: fine, if you wanna be all sentimental about it
jane: haahaha
jane: meh
jane: i just wish that he could see the bigger picture
jane: i mean it seriously pains me
jane: you know relating to the reason why my faith in mankind is seriously diminishing
jane: how do people become like that
ashley h: Well, he eventually will realize that you care about him
jane: where they just stop
jane: and refuse to see any other perspective but their own
ashley h: He's just at that inherently male douchey stage
jane: people get so blinded
jane: yeah ugh i hate that
jane: people get so blinded and caught up
jane: like they lose themselves
jane: and what is just good for the human soul you know?
jane: lol (i know i'm reaching but blah)
jane: i just can't comprehend cruel people
jane: that's all
ashley h: That's not reaching
jane: i wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror
ashley h: You are just being existenmtial
jane: if i were cruel without remorse
jane: yessss
jane: and sometimes transcendental
ashley h: Do you truly think he doesn't have remorse?
ashley h: (Hahaha)
jane: i don't know
jane: but
jane: how can you say these things and not feel bad
jane: or just pretend it never happened
ashley h: Maybe he was just pissed and being douchetastic, like he still cares?
jane: yeah but goddamnit
jane: i'm his sister
jane: like he's lost all of his values
It's like he's turned into this bitter, horrible, and always angry person. How can that be good for the mind, body, and soul of a human being? (Look at my inescapable existential and transcendental ideals and passions showing)
Okay, so you see, that is pretty much the gist of it all and you can clearly see why I love this girl. We've known each other for I would say about almost a year now and I can honestly say that she has seriously helped me in more ways than most of my friends, or shall I say "friends" because what really is a friend anyway for my theory that friends are fleeting is applied here, who I have known for about 7-10 years have ever really helped me.
Anyway back to my case and point, this entire conversation I would have to say almost completely embodies my theories, ideals, values of propriety, or whatever makes up the person I am to want to become the best possible person I can be for my own mind and soul. I feel like such a different speck out of the billions of people out there, but I am entirely okay with it. I actually take pride in the fact that I am different. The issue is the immense difficulty of finding the right kind of friends and people who can be on the same level as me and gauge my interest to connect on a greater wavelength. I meet people all of the time and can see that they are completely caught up and blinded by what society has shaped them to become. People live without such passion and notion of beauty in the "true world" (as I would call it) that I seek to find everyday. The sad thing is, that if you even try to share these matters and incorporate them into discussion to try to form some sort of insightful connection, most people can't even seem to understand and fall back on their insecure naive defense mechanism ways to ultimately form skewed perceptions of something definitely not preferred. They don't understand that I am simply just speaking out loud and they take it as a form of me being "emo" when clearly I am not exuding any form of depression at that moment. Naturally as a defense mechanism people tend to shy away from the things that are unknown and queer (as the intellectuals know that queer does not just mean homosexual, so pick up a theory book for you ignorant fools who are almost proud so announce that they don't read) and further overcompensate by a fight or flight approach.
It's sort of upsetting because I look at people and I don't know how the human race (or at least the ones in Southern California from the location that I inhabit, I definitely cannot speak for everyone but of course can speak for my environment) has become shallow people that reach a certain age and just stop growing as a person. Or I could just have a problem with the entire human race in general haha. Yet, people become rooted in their notions when it is an obvious ideology that people never stop growing and learning. How did this happen to us? (Okay that is a loaded question all in itself haha which for the sake of you, the readers who I do have and am appreciative to, I won't get into that ideological argument)
It's easy to tell how big of an issue I have with people, but I do admit that I am definitely an imperfect person as well with an endless supply of flaws, but the difference is that I try to develop into something better. Many people just don't care or are not aware enough. Cruel people just bother me in general. How can you not care about whether you are a good person? Personally, it's probably just my too empathetic personality, but I just would not be able to live with myself knowing that I did cruel things. The regret and remorse would pain me as the things in my past that I am definitely not proud of still pain me to this day. I am the kind of person who will yell at someone out of flustered sparked rage and then feel bad about it later and apologize. I can't be an asshole though I would love to. It's just not who I am meant to be a suppose. I know I have to accept people for who they are, but I just don't want to have to deal with it all in the meantime.
**Side Note
Ugh after continuous copy and pasting and trying to work around the stupid HTML. (Yeah for some reason that I cease to comprehend from my lack of technology skills) Part of my glorious writings have been really really unfortunately lost in the mix and I am kicking myself in the ass for it because it's upsetting to lose something that you put work into formulating. And I can't remember what I wrote and now am left with absolutely no energy for a chance of revival. Consider me utterly defeated. i doubt anyone will actually read this entry for it is extremely long in length, but to any who have, thank you and I hope you enjoyed this diverse and troublesome entry.
Some background information. I had texted her via cellular of course, followed by her immediate response, and then following up with conversing online instead seeing as her data plan allowed for simultaneous usage.
So here it is (naturally with the alteration of names for pseudonyms):
jane: heyy
jane: i'm going to type here if that's okay
jane: it's faster
jane: than my phone
ashley h: Go for it dear.
jane: okay
ashley h: What's going on?
jane: i get that's he's tired and cranky
jane: but seriously i've learned (the hard way) that it's NOT okay to take it out on other ppl
jane: it's like he's changed into a person that i have seriously known to come to loathe
jane: he's become one of those bitter self centered remorseless guys
jane: at least towards me
jane: because obviously the only person he can take it out on is me because he feels the more superior given our ages
jane: which in no way reflects our true selves
jane: ugh okay so last nite his bitch of a selfish gf wakes up him at 2am by phone call
jane: mind you my brother wakes up around 4-5am everyday
jane: he stands up for himself "i need to wake up in 2 hrs" but does she care no?
jane: so she ends up coming over
jane: and i was going to say something but it's none of my business but i care about his health
jane: whatevers
ashley h: Ok...
jane: okay so he comes home tonite late
jane: which is fine
jane: god it's so stupid
ashley h: No its not
jane: my parents are looking for this dvd that he had borrowed from the collection
jane: my extended family is here
jane: they came down here to hang out
jane: or hang out with the older cousins
ashley h: Sometimes the most insignifigant things are the biggest deal
jane: me and possibly my brother if he still cared enough to come around
jane: thank you for that dear
jane: okay
ashley h: Ok, continue
jane: so he ends up not being able to find it
jane: and comes in
jane: and i'm just standing there
jane: and i swear
jane: i just made a suggestion
jane: in the softest most helpful voice EVER
jane: it was just a random suggestion with no vindictive motive or anything
ashley h: What did you say?
jane: i said something like oh well perhaps it was accidentally misplaced
jane: i mean even my tone of voice was completely just helpful
ashley h: You heartless bitch!
jane: i know right!
jane: we were all just being nice and considerate
ashley h: What did he say/do?
jane: and then he says something
jane: he reacted badly with attitude
jane: and i swear
jane: loosely translated
jane: he was sort of irate
jane: lately all he's been doing is seriously "raging"
jane: so he said something in a huff
ashley h: What did he say?
jane: something like
jane: "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT GODDAMNIT I ALREADY CHECKED"
jane: and i was just thinking
jane: woah were the fuck is all this hostility coming from
jane: what the fuck did i do to you
jane: seriously
jane: when last nite we were fine
jane: time well spent with family
jane: he said something
jane: and i was like
jane: okay relax i didn't say anything bad
jane: and he just BLEW UP
jane: i told him
jane: it wasn't meant to offend
jane: i was just trying to be helpful
jane: that's what i said
jane: and he just BLEW UP
jane: i swear he needs to see a psychoanalyst more than i do
jane: i swear he just blew up
ashley h: Is that possible?
jane: was like what the hell is your problem
jane: blah blah blah
jane: and i was like
jane: dude
ashley h: What did his blow up consist of?
jane: i didn't say anything bad to you or meant anything behind it
jane: why do you always have to get so defensive
jane: i swear everything i say
ashley h: And did any of your family hear it.
jane: he takes it SO SO SO DEFENSIVELY
jane: when in the tone of voice it's obviously not supposed to be taken that way
jane: EVERYONE HEARD IT
jane: i mean i'm trying to help him
ashley h: Oh.... how did everyone react?
jane: but all he ever does is take what i say so defensively
ashley h: Yeah, you are (trying to help)
jane: and he'll by all means NEVER listen to what i have to say
jane: regardless of my experience
ashley h: And did you argue back or were you calm?
jane: i was trying to be calm
jane: and i'd say i was calm
jane: until he started of course being nasty
ashley h: Yeah
jane: i was calm and trying to get him to listen
jane: he doesn't hear things
jane: i was just like dude it wasn't meant to be taken so defensively
jane: and he just blew up like what the fuck blah blah
jane: and then i heard him walk out and say something like you're such a bitch
jane: and i'm like
jane: FOOL I'M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
jane: he left
jane: i let it go
jane: because my parents were there
jane: but i'm like how can you say this shit
ashley h: Yeah
jane: doesn't he have any consideration or concern for family
jane: and how it possibly pains them more than he?
jane: you know?
jane: that's what i mean
jane: he has no regard for anything
jane: and i was talking to my parents
jane: because now i was irate
jane: naturally to be very upset about lack of propriety
jane: anyways
ashley h: so, do you think that's what you are truly upset about (that he has no consideration for your familial values)
jane: i was talking to them like how can he speak to someone like that
jane: no
ashley h: And what did they say?
jane: i'm most upset that that is the person he has become
jane: and it's a serious detriment
jane: because now my brother is an asshole
jane: no one wants that
jane: okay of course
jane: my completely just
jane: i don't want to say insipid because that's mean
jane: but naive isn't the right word either
jane: but
ashley h: Insipid is an excellent word choice
jane: of course my incomprehensible father who doesn't understand shit
jane: but doesn't realize it and therefore compensates by making shit up
jane: that he fully thinks he's right
jane: but he isn't
ashley h: Yeah, incomprehensible is so much better
jane: okay
jane: but
ashley h: Yeah
jane: of course he's like
jane: making up excuses for him
jane: and i'm like
jane: WHAT IS THIS
jane: FUCKING DUMBASS MALE SPECIES
jane: why are they all like that?!
jane: ESPECIALLY ASIAN MEN
jane: goddamn
jane: making up excuses saying shit like "oh serves you right for provoking him when he's tired and coming back from work"
jane: DUDE THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT
jane: you just don't treat any human being like that!
ashley h: How did your mom react?
jane: my mom was more understanding
jane: but also making up excuses
jane: "he's tired
jane: i could see it from the moment he walked in that he wasn't right
jane: he must've had a fight with his gf/ ex gf (whatever) again
jane: blah blah blah"
jane: my dad's always like "you shouldn't have provoked him blah blah"
ashley h: Did you end up throwing a shoe at your parents in rage?
jane: and i'm like DUDE DID YOU NOT HEAR THE SAME CONVERSATION AS I?
jane: i mean god my dad
jane: sometimes the way he treats women is so fucking disgraceful
jane: like seriously he's living in ancient china times
jane: and that they have no credibility or significance
jane: they're just there to pick up the slack and do the shit men don't want to do
jane: my mom was more understanding
jane: she was like i know but right now is not the time
jane: and i understand that
jane: i mean i wasn't going to go after him obviously
jane: and i made my point and spoke to her
ashley h: Obvs
jane: (i had to, i was PISSED)
jane: and you know i hate saying the word pissed
ashley h: No, but now I do
jane: it's vulgar slang which i hate
jane: oh okay
jane: anyways
ashley h: Have you heard you speak sometimes?
jane: no i mean
ashley h: Verbal digressions aside...
jane: if you want to be vulgar be as vulgar as you want
jane: i just HATE the word piss
ashley h: Continue
jane: it's so ugly
jane: you know i hate ugly sounding words
jane: so i try to avoid them
jane: but fuck is not as ugly as piss
jane: okay but we digress
jane: anyway
jane: she understood
jane: i just told her what i told you about how i felt
jane: that he's just become this angry person all the time who won't listen to anyone
jane: how can you honestly think that it's okay to treat people like that
jane: to say these seriously abusive things
ashley h: Yeah
ashley h: Are you feeling a bit better now?
jane: yes i am
jane: thank you so much
jane: i turned on my computer and was like
jane: I'M GOING TO BLOG
ashley h: Not a problem dear
jane: hahaaha
jane: but then i first texted you
ashley h: Hahaha
jane: and this is better
ashley h: Trend whore
jane: i'm thinking about just copying and pasting our conversation
ashley h: Thankls
ashley h: When I read your blog
jane: with the censoring of sn's though
jane: hahaaha
ashley h: And you writing
ashley h: About something non related
jane: ?
jane: hahahaha
jane: yes
ashley h: I am gonna laugh
jane: yah
jane: but jeez
jane: it's just
jane: it at the same time makes me feel bad just for his well being
ashley h: C/P the conversation is slacker status
ashley h: That's really good that you care about him
jane: i hate that i'm the kind of person who feels bad for the villian or underdog all of the time
jane: well he's my brother
ashley h: But truthfully you need to focus on YOU
jane: i feel like he's lost his way
jane: yeahh
jane: but i've done enough evaluating and reevaluating to know enough
jane: or to understand the way i act
ashley h: Because uh... you aren't quite stable enough to focus on other's mental health
jane: for now at least
jane: yeah true
jane: but it doesn't make me care any less
ashley h: fine, if you wanna be all sentimental about it
jane: haahaha
jane: meh
jane: i just wish that he could see the bigger picture
jane: i mean it seriously pains me
jane: you know relating to the reason why my faith in mankind is seriously diminishing
jane: how do people become like that
ashley h: Well, he eventually will realize that you care about him
jane: where they just stop
jane: and refuse to see any other perspective but their own
ashley h: He's just at that inherently male douchey stage
jane: people get so blinded
jane: yeah ugh i hate that
jane: people get so blinded and caught up
jane: like they lose themselves
jane: and what is just good for the human soul you know?
jane: lol (i know i'm reaching but blah)
jane: i just can't comprehend cruel people
jane: that's all
ashley h: That's not reaching
jane: i wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror
ashley h: You are just being existenmtial
jane: if i were cruel without remorse
jane: yessss
jane: and sometimes transcendental
ashley h: Do you truly think he doesn't have remorse?
ashley h: (Hahaha)
jane: i don't know
jane: but
jane: how can you say these things and not feel bad
jane: or just pretend it never happened
ashley h: Maybe he was just pissed and being douchetastic, like he still cares?
jane: yeah but goddamnit
jane: i'm his sister
jane: like he's lost all of his values
It's like he's turned into this bitter, horrible, and always angry person. How can that be good for the mind, body, and soul of a human being? (Look at my inescapable existential and transcendental ideals and passions showing)
Okay, so you see, that is pretty much the gist of it all and you can clearly see why I love this girl. We've known each other for I would say about almost a year now and I can honestly say that she has seriously helped me in more ways than most of my friends, or shall I say "friends" because what really is a friend anyway for my theory that friends are fleeting is applied here, who I have known for about 7-10 years have ever really helped me.
Anyway back to my case and point, this entire conversation I would have to say almost completely embodies my theories, ideals, values of propriety, or whatever makes up the person I am to want to become the best possible person I can be for my own mind and soul. I feel like such a different speck out of the billions of people out there, but I am entirely okay with it. I actually take pride in the fact that I am different. The issue is the immense difficulty of finding the right kind of friends and people who can be on the same level as me and gauge my interest to connect on a greater wavelength. I meet people all of the time and can see that they are completely caught up and blinded by what society has shaped them to become. People live without such passion and notion of beauty in the "true world" (as I would call it) that I seek to find everyday. The sad thing is, that if you even try to share these matters and incorporate them into discussion to try to form some sort of insightful connection, most people can't even seem to understand and fall back on their insecure naive defense mechanism ways to ultimately form skewed perceptions of something definitely not preferred. They don't understand that I am simply just speaking out loud and they take it as a form of me being "emo" when clearly I am not exuding any form of depression at that moment. Naturally as a defense mechanism people tend to shy away from the things that are unknown and queer (as the intellectuals know that queer does not just mean homosexual, so pick up a theory book for you ignorant fools who are almost proud so announce that they don't read) and further overcompensate by a fight or flight approach.
It's sort of upsetting because I look at people and I don't know how the human race (or at least the ones in Southern California from the location that I inhabit, I definitely cannot speak for everyone but of course can speak for my environment) has become shallow people that reach a certain age and just stop growing as a person. Or I could just have a problem with the entire human race in general haha. Yet, people become rooted in their notions when it is an obvious ideology that people never stop growing and learning. How did this happen to us? (Okay that is a loaded question all in itself haha which for the sake of you, the readers who I do have and am appreciative to, I won't get into that ideological argument)
It's easy to tell how big of an issue I have with people, but I do admit that I am definitely an imperfect person as well with an endless supply of flaws, but the difference is that I try to develop into something better. Many people just don't care or are not aware enough. Cruel people just bother me in general. How can you not care about whether you are a good person? Personally, it's probably just my too empathetic personality, but I just would not be able to live with myself knowing that I did cruel things. The regret and remorse would pain me as the things in my past that I am definitely not proud of still pain me to this day. I am the kind of person who will yell at someone out of flustered sparked rage and then feel bad about it later and apologize. I can't be an asshole though I would love to. It's just not who I am meant to be a suppose. I know I have to accept people for who they are, but I just don't want to have to deal with it all in the meantime.
**Side Note
Ugh after continuous copy and pasting and trying to work around the stupid HTML. (Yeah for some reason that I cease to comprehend from my lack of technology skills) Part of my glorious writings have been really really unfortunately lost in the mix and I am kicking myself in the ass for it because it's upsetting to lose something that you put work into formulating. And I can't remember what I wrote and now am left with absolutely no energy for a chance of revival. Consider me utterly defeated. i doubt anyone will actually read this entry for it is extremely long in length, but to any who have, thank you and I hope you enjoyed this diverse and troublesome entry.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Constant Wind-Like Discourses In The Cosmic Spaces Of My Mind
I may have divulged this many times before, but who knows. I know I have stayed silent, or more so have become silenced. But I feel like if I don't archive something down, some sense of my own sentiments, that everything will completely pass me by and that I'll cease to really exist anymore or possess my voice.
I go about my daily routines by merely going through the motions and just waiting for the day to be over with so that I can return to the sanctuary and security of my own room where I can enjoy the leisure of my own solitude.
It's like my fire, the "hard gem-like fire" (let's quote Baudelaire shall we?) that I have always burned with has completely diminished to a sort of dissipated smoke nothingness. It's like I am now just a shell of my body that just merely exists and is completely lacking in any passions or wit or even spirit that I was once entirely filled with an endless supply of that made up my entire soul and being.
I'm afraid that it's gone. I'm scared that I'll never get back to who my true self was.
I am greatly terrified that the vivacious, extroverted, confident, bright, and optimistic person, who I once embodied and was so proud of, has disappeared. My compositions in my classes I feel have even been lacking.
I don't know where I have gone to, but I'm not me anymore.
And I don't know what frightens me more, the fact that as of now I kind of really could care less and would rather dwell in my numbed ghostliness, or that my nonchalance could even chase my very being away into oblivion so that it completely slips away.
There are days that are better than others. And days that are worse where I would rather sleep in all day so that at least my unconscious mind will be free of my own scars and aches to be replaced by the beautiful impossibilities that tempt me to sleep forever. And if it weren't for the dehydrated headaches I get from forcing 12+ hour continual sleep, I would sleep myself into submission.
I crave the beauty the world has to offer, yet am in no position to pursue.
I go about my daily routines by merely going through the motions and just waiting for the day to be over with so that I can return to the sanctuary and security of my own room where I can enjoy the leisure of my own solitude.
It's like my fire, the "hard gem-like fire" (let's quote Baudelaire shall we?) that I have always burned with has completely diminished to a sort of dissipated smoke nothingness. It's like I am now just a shell of my body that just merely exists and is completely lacking in any passions or wit or even spirit that I was once entirely filled with an endless supply of that made up my entire soul and being.
I'm afraid that it's gone. I'm scared that I'll never get back to who my true self was.
I am greatly terrified that the vivacious, extroverted, confident, bright, and optimistic person, who I once embodied and was so proud of, has disappeared. My compositions in my classes I feel have even been lacking.
I don't know where I have gone to, but I'm not me anymore.
And I don't know what frightens me more, the fact that as of now I kind of really could care less and would rather dwell in my numbed ghostliness, or that my nonchalance could even chase my very being away into oblivion so that it completely slips away.
There are days that are better than others. And days that are worse where I would rather sleep in all day so that at least my unconscious mind will be free of my own scars and aches to be replaced by the beautiful impossibilities that tempt me to sleep forever. And if it weren't for the dehydrated headaches I get from forcing 12+ hour continual sleep, I would sleep myself into submission.
I crave the beauty the world has to offer, yet am in no position to pursue.
Uplifted Gratitude
Today wasn't such a bad day. Actually, today was a pretty good day. Hopefully there will be more to come.
All I have to say is, I am grateful for the ones who really do care about me.
Today was just like any ordinary day, but at night I got to hang out with a friend who I have gotten to be very close with. We have come to be great friends from the last spring quarter and today, she made my day a whole lot better. I didn't go home feeling as hopeless as I usually do. I actually felt a bit lighter and do feel lighter as of now. She is one of the best friends I know. I am able to just be real with her without having to act any other way that I am not. I don't have to dumb down my words or be afraid that I'll have reached too deep of a depth when I reveal the constant thoughts that are always never at rest. And she never marginalizes my erratic issues or tosses them aside as if they were petty and meaningless. She's patient and more than understanding and we don't have to be anything that we're not. We can just be. To find this quality in a friend is very rare and definitely never to be forgotten. I should hope that everyone in their lifetime can come across the fortunate opportunity to be in the company of people of this quality because in my experience, and I am sure not just mine alone, friends as well as people are often too too fleeting.
So I just wanted to share that and archive it so that it can be here permanently to serve as a pleasant memory.
**Side Note
I realize that my entries are still very mediocre and skint. I haven't quite gotten back my motivation for a passion I fear I have lost. But again thank you for bearing with me through this trial.
All I have to say is, I am grateful for the ones who really do care about me.
Today was just like any ordinary day, but at night I got to hang out with a friend who I have gotten to be very close with. We have come to be great friends from the last spring quarter and today, she made my day a whole lot better. I didn't go home feeling as hopeless as I usually do. I actually felt a bit lighter and do feel lighter as of now. She is one of the best friends I know. I am able to just be real with her without having to act any other way that I am not. I don't have to dumb down my words or be afraid that I'll have reached too deep of a depth when I reveal the constant thoughts that are always never at rest. And she never marginalizes my erratic issues or tosses them aside as if they were petty and meaningless. She's patient and more than understanding and we don't have to be anything that we're not. We can just be. To find this quality in a friend is very rare and definitely never to be forgotten. I should hope that everyone in their lifetime can come across the fortunate opportunity to be in the company of people of this quality because in my experience, and I am sure not just mine alone, friends as well as people are often too too fleeting.
So I just wanted to share that and archive it so that it can be here permanently to serve as a pleasant memory.
**Side Note
I realize that my entries are still very mediocre and skint. I haven't quite gotten back my motivation for a passion I fear I have lost. But again thank you for bearing with me through this trial.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A Dream
is a wish, your heart makes.
Really? Is it? (How corny and full of bullshit is that?)
Lately, my heart has been craving so bad for just that one person. That one person who can just redeem the harshness of the world. All I need is just one person. All you need just one person who will be there for you 'til the end.
My secret wish that I will never admit to anyone.
I wish for just that one person who will complete me in every single way. The one who will be unconditionally sweet and loving towards me and will not ever run away when things get too difficult to handle and too crazy. All I ever want is just one person. Is that so much to ask? If I could have just that one person, I would be ever so blissful that all the damage that has been done to be would be completely expunged.
My heart aches all of the time. I wish that I could have that one person. I feel that so many people out there are so lucky and take forgranted of the fact that they have the ability to attain such lust for life.
And yet, here I am. So fully unable to find such a love that would able to completely make me whole and redeem all of my scars that have left such a deteriorating impact on me.
All it takes is just that one perfect person. Though I will never openly admit it with my own voice that that is the one thing I so completely yearn to have, truly, that is the one thing I wish to have because I know that if I had that one person that would love me eternally without regrets or misfortunes, than I would be able to see the world in a different light and be able to be a new person.
I wouldn't have to be this fucked up person that I have become. I wouldn't have to be this girl who constantly craves to sob all the time but because of her inexplicable wiring, cannot shed even the smallest drop of tears. I am emotionally disabled and handicapped. My true wish is to be able to just live freely with my other half that will be able to complete me fully perpetually. Yet, we all have come to know that life is not fair.
I'm sorry, my words are really rudimentary right now for I am slightly drunk right now. So excuse my terrible speech and awful articulation.
You know how I would rather be asleep than awake? It is because I have the incredible possibility of being able to dream the most remarkable impossibilities ever. I would rather sleep forever than have to deal with my terrible reality.
I wish I could cry right now to relive some emotional pain, but my entire being has made it utterly impossible.
I really do often contemplate if I could be really suicidal. I think of what would stop me, the people and finance that it would effect (being my family), and I wish that I was not so empathetic or caring of everyone else. Maybe I could be able to just end it all. Wow that sounded completely crazy and suicidal. I cannot believe this is the person I have become.
I hate the fact that I feel the wanting to seriously cry all of the time when I am alone. What the fuck is the matter? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just be happy or just content? My life is not bad and I know that. So why do I feel so unsatisfied? Why do I want to cry all of the time?
Why do I seriously crave the impeccable sharp sterling silver blade across my soft skin all of the time in hopes that it will take the pain that radiates throughout my body away. How can I possibly be this broken and damaged? My entire body hurts all of the time and I am just that good at pretending that no one is able to notice for the mere fact that I will never let anyone ever really know for the fear of the bottom falling out. Every time I try to get close to someone or let them in, I get let down and hurt in the end because they are not the person I thought they were. Everyone I love leaves and everyone I think that I can trust is proved to be ultimately the wrong person.
And I am so tired of it.
I am so tired of always getting hurt when I know I can a good person.
God, all I want is just that one person. Is that so much to ask for?
I don't need much. It is unfortunate to say that I am seriously lonely, but, I am. But definitely do not need your damn self pity or sympathy. I have grown up on my own by the care of myself and no one elses. So I would definitely not need the help of anyone elses.
I hate that I feel so helpless and broken. I wish I could cry.
I just want that one person who can complete me. I wish for it everyday, for then I wouldn't need anything else.
Really? Is it? (How corny and full of bullshit is that?)
Lately, my heart has been craving so bad for just that one person. That one person who can just redeem the harshness of the world. All I need is just one person. All you need just one person who will be there for you 'til the end.
My secret wish that I will never admit to anyone.
I wish for just that one person who will complete me in every single way. The one who will be unconditionally sweet and loving towards me and will not ever run away when things get too difficult to handle and too crazy. All I ever want is just one person. Is that so much to ask? If I could have just that one person, I would be ever so blissful that all the damage that has been done to be would be completely expunged.
My heart aches all of the time. I wish that I could have that one person. I feel that so many people out there are so lucky and take forgranted of the fact that they have the ability to attain such lust for life.
And yet, here I am. So fully unable to find such a love that would able to completely make me whole and redeem all of my scars that have left such a deteriorating impact on me.
All it takes is just that one perfect person. Though I will never openly admit it with my own voice that that is the one thing I so completely yearn to have, truly, that is the one thing I wish to have because I know that if I had that one person that would love me eternally without regrets or misfortunes, than I would be able to see the world in a different light and be able to be a new person.
I wouldn't have to be this fucked up person that I have become. I wouldn't have to be this girl who constantly craves to sob all the time but because of her inexplicable wiring, cannot shed even the smallest drop of tears. I am emotionally disabled and handicapped. My true wish is to be able to just live freely with my other half that will be able to complete me fully perpetually. Yet, we all have come to know that life is not fair.
I'm sorry, my words are really rudimentary right now for I am slightly drunk right now. So excuse my terrible speech and awful articulation.
You know how I would rather be asleep than awake? It is because I have the incredible possibility of being able to dream the most remarkable impossibilities ever. I would rather sleep forever than have to deal with my terrible reality.
I wish I could cry right now to relive some emotional pain, but my entire being has made it utterly impossible.
I really do often contemplate if I could be really suicidal. I think of what would stop me, the people and finance that it would effect (being my family), and I wish that I was not so empathetic or caring of everyone else. Maybe I could be able to just end it all. Wow that sounded completely crazy and suicidal. I cannot believe this is the person I have become.
I hate the fact that I feel the wanting to seriously cry all of the time when I am alone. What the fuck is the matter? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just be happy or just content? My life is not bad and I know that. So why do I feel so unsatisfied? Why do I want to cry all of the time?
Why do I seriously crave the impeccable sharp sterling silver blade across my soft skin all of the time in hopes that it will take the pain that radiates throughout my body away. How can I possibly be this broken and damaged? My entire body hurts all of the time and I am just that good at pretending that no one is able to notice for the mere fact that I will never let anyone ever really know for the fear of the bottom falling out. Every time I try to get close to someone or let them in, I get let down and hurt in the end because they are not the person I thought they were. Everyone I love leaves and everyone I think that I can trust is proved to be ultimately the wrong person.
And I am so tired of it.
I am so tired of always getting hurt when I know I can a good person.
God, all I want is just that one person. Is that so much to ask for?
I don't need much. It is unfortunate to say that I am seriously lonely, but, I am. But definitely do not need your damn self pity or sympathy. I have grown up on my own by the care of myself and no one elses. So I would definitely not need the help of anyone elses.
I hate that I feel so helpless and broken. I wish I could cry.
I just want that one person who can complete me. I wish for it everyday, for then I wouldn't need anything else.
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