Thursday, March 31, 2011
Excuses
Amazing how people will make up excuses for you to make a story prettier for themselves to hear. Thank you for assuming that the deep 2 month old, slowly healing scars on my thigh were of a barbeque burn rather than that of my own play game of criss cross tic tac toe doing. Haha it almost makes it too easy to not have to cover up all the time. No tripping though, I haven't indulged since that night and I really don't plan to no matter how much I crave it the cold and morphine-like sensation.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Alright, Story Time
Okay, so I never realized just how much of a girl I really was, or am for the matter. And it just hit me. Right. Freaking. Now. I can't tell you that I am not completely astounded by this new found revelation. My entire life I have been the tomboy. You know, the girl who plays and runs with all of the boys and of whom all the other girls hate. The mischievous tomboy who ran around in tights and dresses until she could dress herself and the one who always ended up accidentally breaking something if ever I crossed a path. And even to this day my main color groups are black, gray, blue, white, and now within the past year recent additions of dark green and red. (still, no flowers, ribbons, bows, frills, blehhhh- though sparkle shimmer is okay, I do love my shimmery make up- but hey that's a different subject) I am completely a romanticist (and hopeless romantic at that). I am genuinely a full on feminine female who appreciates all the perks a girly girl receives- you know, the pampering and what not, yet unfortunately I don't get that often ever (what is it with guys who do not prefer an independent girl?). I mean I am obviously still one of the guys at times (tough, hard, bold, adventurous, outspoken, all too mischievous, mellow, etc.) but most of the time, though most people never get to see it because I don't like to let people see the side, I am really soft. Softhearted, shy, and then some. And I've never really fully realized it and analyzed that part about myself until now. Until these past couple of weeks where I have begun to fully embrace my femininity. The funny thing is that what I have tried so hard to hide, people I choose to keep in my life of whom I have underestimated, these friends have begun to see the real me and actually prefer the softer side. But hey, self preservation is a bitch and everything works out in due time. Anyway, so I used to reject girly stuff, and at times I still do- you know the girly girly stuff like too high maintenance and fussy. I still probably will always be down to earth and the one who gets along with most people except those bitchy and whiny girls. I guess this whole past year of me being a late bloomer and finally embracing my feminine qualities has finally worked it's duty on me to help me further come into my own to understand who I am more and who I am becoming. I really do not mind at all being more of a girly girl now. In fact, I really rather love it. I guess this is what happens as you grow older. It is true, you more and more become who you're supposed to or meant to be, but also growth and development is an ongoing life process that never ends. We never know what will happen or how things will end, but you have to admit, the ride sure is fun and exhilarating while it lasts.
Breathing In Brilliance
It's crazy and yet so utterly thrilling that just suddenly hearing a song can just change your entire grey mood around and make everything brilliant again. It's the little things, and I love these things. I love these moments.
I love the chorus. (:
Let's play this game one more time before you go away,
Away to a bigger city…
That's not as cool as my city.
I can't keep trying to make things work when they ain't,
They ain't supposed to work,
Right now so I think you should go.
If I spend one more night in the city,
If I spend one more night alone,
I might just have to lose control.
Every time I see someone running I think it's you.
Every time I see someone running I think it's you.
Won't you come home?
This time apart is weighing down this love we've found,
I'll be patient as long as I know how.
Two years may not be so long.
I know your living your life your own way.
I can't help but wondering what might happen during this long time.
I don't want to let go.
If I spend one more night in the city,
If I spend one more night alone,
I might just have to lose control.
Every time I see someone running I think it' you.
Every time I see someone running I think it's you.
Won't you come home?
This time apart is weighing down this love we've found,
I'll be patient as long as I know how.
So when you're ready,
I'm here, living my life my own way.
I love the chorus. (:
Let's play this game one more time before you go away,
Away to a bigger city…
That's not as cool as my city.
I can't keep trying to make things work when they ain't,
They ain't supposed to work,
Right now so I think you should go.
If I spend one more night in the city,
If I spend one more night alone,
I might just have to lose control.
Every time I see someone running I think it's you.
Every time I see someone running I think it's you.
Won't you come home?
This time apart is weighing down this love we've found,
I'll be patient as long as I know how.
Two years may not be so long.
I know your living your life your own way.
I can't help but wondering what might happen during this long time.
I don't want to let go.
If I spend one more night in the city,
If I spend one more night alone,
I might just have to lose control.
Every time I see someone running I think it' you.
Every time I see someone running I think it's you.
Won't you come home?
This time apart is weighing down this love we've found,
I'll be patient as long as I know how.
So when you're ready,
I'm here, living my life my own way.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
You Make It Real
For Me.
I haven't mentioned just how much I loved James Morrison's music huh? It's amazing how much music can place a great value in your entire being. I just heard one of his great songs on tv and that got me reminiscing. It immediately made me want to head straight to my laptop, put on a favorite of his, and write about it. So here it is and here I am. I find it utterly comforting and amazing how one little thing can trigger such a great rush and mindset. Thus leading me to do better things with my life and leaving me still with a lingering good feeling coursing through my veins. If you haven't listened to his stuff, really check it out. The thing I love about him is how soulful, mellow, and down to earth his stuff is. It has truth and honesty without crazy embellishments. You can hear the clear essence of a song without needing other enhancements. I love the kind of music that you can listen to over and over again on rainy days or late at night. You know, those mellow good types. Such as this guy right here. Everyone has a reason as to why they become attached to certain music genres and that's why I love the slow and deep stuff such as blues, classical, rnb, jazz, and all the others I rave about so much. Because ultimately, they all make sense to me in how they are all related to one another. You can't just pick one because it's all interconnected. Everything stems from somewhere else and works off one another's energy, it all flows together to create this sublimely big entire bulk of greatness that is good medicine for the soul.
I haven't mentioned just how much I loved James Morrison's music huh? It's amazing how much music can place a great value in your entire being. I just heard one of his great songs on tv and that got me reminiscing. It immediately made me want to head straight to my laptop, put on a favorite of his, and write about it. So here it is and here I am. I find it utterly comforting and amazing how one little thing can trigger such a great rush and mindset. Thus leading me to do better things with my life and leaving me still with a lingering good feeling coursing through my veins. If you haven't listened to his stuff, really check it out. The thing I love about him is how soulful, mellow, and down to earth his stuff is. It has truth and honesty without crazy embellishments. You can hear the clear essence of a song without needing other enhancements. I love the kind of music that you can listen to over and over again on rainy days or late at night. You know, those mellow good types. Such as this guy right here. Everyone has a reason as to why they become attached to certain music genres and that's why I love the slow and deep stuff such as blues, classical, rnb, jazz, and all the others I rave about so much. Because ultimately, they all make sense to me in how they are all related to one another. You can't just pick one because it's all interconnected. Everything stems from somewhere else and works off one another's energy, it all flows together to create this sublimely big entire bulk of greatness that is good medicine for the soul.
Rebel Rebel
Oh Bowie, why are you so epically great? I love you.
Too many to choose from, here's a personal favorite.
Too many to choose from, here's a personal favorite.
Ensuingly
And then, sometimes when the clouds choose to miraculously divide just for you, for that split second in time ('cause you know it's all about timing correct?), the striking and clear yellow goodness part of sunshine seeps through in small directed rays transmitting and transferring those moments of pure sun-kissed, sun-loved, and sun-perfected intoxicating and elated high spirit intertwined with light euphoric bliss.
These moments are the ones you continue living for. The just enough ones are to fuel perspective and keep you at bay, busy until the real moments decide to descend and make you feel like a complete fool for ever doubting. It's these moments that overcompensate when rough times ascend.
And that's all it takes to make life worthwhile again and to refuel on hope and faith for a better quality of life, to try and aid you in forgetting the bad in the past and allow for opening up and reciprocation of the new. Even for just a moment- that's all it takes.
This is the first Sunday in a long time where I have woken up smiling and butterfly filled (the best right?) rather than urged on the verge of tears. Thank you.
Maybe my closed off and pushing away, blocking out tendencies are beginning to dissipate.
And I ran out of my medication on Friday, but I never thought it was working to begin with. So huzzah to that lovers.
These moments are the ones you continue living for. The just enough ones are to fuel perspective and keep you at bay, busy until the real moments decide to descend and make you feel like a complete fool for ever doubting. It's these moments that overcompensate when rough times ascend.
And that's all it takes to make life worthwhile again and to refuel on hope and faith for a better quality of life, to try and aid you in forgetting the bad in the past and allow for opening up and reciprocation of the new. Even for just a moment- that's all it takes.
This is the first Sunday in a long time where I have woken up smiling and butterfly filled (the best right?) rather than urged on the verge of tears. Thank you.
Maybe my closed off and pushing away, blocking out tendencies are beginning to dissipate.
And I ran out of my medication on Friday, but I never thought it was working to begin with. So huzzah to that lovers.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Relent Already
Isn't it time? Give in already.
Bottom line (or borderline? haha wordplay indulgence my friends, it's the little things right?):
There are okay moments and then grey nots. That's all there is. There are no blissfully lasting-effect resulted days. There is no always, no forever, no perpetual, and no eternal. What's left is the transitory and the inconstant. At least something is consistent, but ironic how it's the evanescent that is the ubiquitous constant amidst the currents. Yet, underneath all the violent wreck, wafts the unyielding and all too stubborn hope. Hope that there will be more okay moments than not as you take it all in breath by breath, not speeding up or slowing down, but perfectly content where you should be at the right chronological pace; thus living life and experiencing as each moment comes and then dealing when you need to rather than worrying too much when it's beyond your control. Hope that that is and will be enough.
Bottom line (or borderline? haha wordplay indulgence my friends, it's the little things right?):
There are okay moments and then grey nots. That's all there is. There are no blissfully lasting-effect resulted days. There is no always, no forever, no perpetual, and no eternal. What's left is the transitory and the inconstant. At least something is consistent, but ironic how it's the evanescent that is the ubiquitous constant amidst the currents. Yet, underneath all the violent wreck, wafts the unyielding and all too stubborn hope. Hope that there will be more okay moments than not as you take it all in breath by breath, not speeding up or slowing down, but perfectly content where you should be at the right chronological pace; thus living life and experiencing as each moment comes and then dealing when you need to rather than worrying too much when it's beyond your control. Hope that that is and will be enough.
I usually never let myself to allow certain aspects that are at a contiguuous and irresolvable conclusion in my life to hang over my head in a cloud of murky haze. But, onec in a while no matter how hard you run, thoughts always end up eventually creeping back in slowly, if only for just a brief moment in time, even without voluntary consent. And you find that they hit you just as hard, until you quickly recover over it by busying your mind with some of the other million issues in you life of which you can actually do something about.
I don't usually allow myself to give much contemplation to my familial situation, but once in a while the harsh realization peeks its ugly face in as the constant reminder.
And it just still astonishes me just how broken my family really is.
I always hear other people talk about their families an the things they do together, and we don't have anything like that.
I don't usually allow myself to give much contemplation to my familial situation, but once in a while the harsh realization peeks its ugly face in as the constant reminder.
And it just still astonishes me just how broken my family really is.
I always hear other people talk about their families an the things they do together, and we don't have anything like that.
Ephemeral
People in general are all too fleeting. Leave them first before they leave you. But do relish and know when it's time to let go.
Apologies
Okay, I take back what I said about Gaga's potential to become a better icon than Madonna, my fickle-mindedness has come to rational senses. Haha. After hearing one of her older songs on the radio, I forgot how great is. (mind you I only like older Madonna, like before 2003- now she's just kind of weird for my tastes, but nothing against her) Forgot to rule in Lady Gaga's first album The Fame, some of the quality of lyrics and representation, not really up to snuff or refined. I didn't really begin to like her until her second album came out, and still I seem to only listen to her popular songs, whereas most/all of Madonna's songs are all listened to and amazing. When you think about Madonna's overall music quality as a whole, definitely tops. But hey Gaga's getting there now with her new found inspirations.
So sorry though, you're my girl Madge! (:
So sorry though, you're my girl Madge! (:
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Page 231
"Desire definitely has a shelf life. Delay love or the expressing of it, and it dies. Take it for granted, and it goes away.."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Strangely Resurrected
I died.
But I came back as a restored and resolutely undaunted imprint of me.
I feel like I'm back. Sort of, or at least recovering and coming back to myself. You know, the familiar girl I talk about at times- the one I used to be, of whom I actually loved. The one who lived her life rather than passed through the motions of it. The girl I was before I got lost and of whom I could genuinely be proud of.
What brought on this regenerating? Who knows, but i think it's been happening since the start of this week. (strange how so many change of events can occur in such a small amount of time, but hey that's life for you- let it go and just go with it) Maybe time and perspective are finally kicking in and doing work. Or maybe it's the downpour change in weather, the cleansing and thus replenishing and chance renewal for everything. Whatever it is, something is healing. Incredible.
I'm even reading again, thoroughly engrossed, actually paying attention, and not wanting to stop at all for anything, like I used to. I'm beginning to want to write about real stuff again, like I used to. Not to mention the progressive trials and tribulations (though yet still overall amazing) in the poetry endeavor.You have no idea how good that feels. I'm finally feeling like myself again with lust for life.
Okay on another note and thought, is it weird just how liberated and positively carefree I feel after making up my mind to be rid of all and any relationship potentials? After deciding to honestly just be single and refrain from getting involved further hence, I feel so much more free. Really and entirely so much more free, in a very good way of course. I feel like I can actually breathe again and that a huge suffocating weight has been lifted off of my chest now; it's as if a spell of crisp and fresh air has come in the room through an opened door and left a clean and soft light hue of burden free atmosphere. I feel immensely better and fully relieved after getting rid of all the strings that were being put on me.
Naturally I am a bit confused again about all this fickle-mindedness and what it means or what I want. But at least I know more about what I want now and what I absolutely don't want at present.
I don't want to date anyone anymore and play around like a robot just 'cause I can for entertaining distraction and 'cause it's too easy when it doesn't count and your heart's not in it. (mind you, playing around does not mean sleeping around or even physical contact for the matter. as you can tell, i hardly ever let anyone get even remotely close to me, almost never, they'd have to really know me- ladies get it together, you don't have to be sluts to get a guy) I am afterall all heart and my heart is somewhere else. I don't and haven't been able to feel anything for anyone anymore. Okay but that's another topic discussion and speculation for another time.
I choose to just be single and not ready to mingle. I am staying completely guy free with no hazy thought clouds in my head. Haha I really mean it this time; I am determined to try very hard not to play around and go through guys any longer. And really, that cannot be very good for my karma lol. (oops. well I guess amending starts now?)
I want to just enjoy life and fun ambience again. I want to live again- live in the moments, live in the meaningful fun, but I think I've already begun to before I even realized it. Let's just hope this lasts, fingers crossed.
But I came back as a restored and resolutely undaunted imprint of me.
I feel like I'm back. Sort of, or at least recovering and coming back to myself. You know, the familiar girl I talk about at times- the one I used to be, of whom I actually loved. The one who lived her life rather than passed through the motions of it. The girl I was before I got lost and of whom I could genuinely be proud of.
What brought on this regenerating? Who knows, but i think it's been happening since the start of this week. (strange how so many change of events can occur in such a small amount of time, but hey that's life for you- let it go and just go with it) Maybe time and perspective are finally kicking in and doing work. Or maybe it's the downpour change in weather, the cleansing and thus replenishing and chance renewal for everything. Whatever it is, something is healing. Incredible.
I'm even reading again, thoroughly engrossed, actually paying attention, and not wanting to stop at all for anything, like I used to. I'm beginning to want to write about real stuff again, like I used to. Not to mention the progressive trials and tribulations (though yet still overall amazing) in the poetry endeavor.You have no idea how good that feels. I'm finally feeling like myself again with lust for life.
Okay on another note and thought, is it weird just how liberated and positively carefree I feel after making up my mind to be rid of all and any relationship potentials? After deciding to honestly just be single and refrain from getting involved further hence, I feel so much more free. Really and entirely so much more free, in a very good way of course. I feel like I can actually breathe again and that a huge suffocating weight has been lifted off of my chest now; it's as if a spell of crisp and fresh air has come in the room through an opened door and left a clean and soft light hue of burden free atmosphere. I feel immensely better and fully relieved after getting rid of all the strings that were being put on me.
Naturally I am a bit confused again about all this fickle-mindedness and what it means or what I want. But at least I know more about what I want now and what I absolutely don't want at present.
I don't want to date anyone anymore and play around like a robot just 'cause I can for entertaining distraction and 'cause it's too easy when it doesn't count and your heart's not in it. (mind you, playing around does not mean sleeping around or even physical contact for the matter. as you can tell, i hardly ever let anyone get even remotely close to me, almost never, they'd have to really know me- ladies get it together, you don't have to be sluts to get a guy) I am afterall all heart and my heart is somewhere else. I don't and haven't been able to feel anything for anyone anymore. Okay but that's another topic discussion and speculation for another time.
I choose to just be single and not ready to mingle. I am staying completely guy free with no hazy thought clouds in my head. Haha I really mean it this time; I am determined to try very hard not to play around and go through guys any longer. And really, that cannot be very good for my karma lol. (oops. well I guess amending starts now?)
I want to just enjoy life and fun ambience again. I want to live again- live in the moments, live in the meaningful fun, but I think I've already begun to before I even realized it. Let's just hope this lasts, fingers crossed.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Where Is [Your] Mind, What's With You, You, You?
Stop.
Stop trying to turn me into that someone you want to be with. Stop trying to change me into someone who will suit your needs and conveniences.
And please stop telling me what I should or shouldn't do or how I should or shouldn't be. Stop telling me how most girls usually are or what most girls typically do right after and when I do the very opposite. I always will- if anything I'll do it all even more just to spite you.
I told you, I am who I am; take it or leave it.
So leave it.
Just stop.
Because I know that I do not want to be with you- any of you. Don't call me anymore. Go find some other girl who can deal with your demanding ways. Find some other less bold and self-assured girl who is dying to not have to think and will actually want to obey you. Find one who you can successfully dominate and discipline because as you see and have seen, clearly I am definitely not her and absolutely will never be.
Stop trying to turn me into that someone you want to be with. Stop trying to change me into someone who will suit your needs and conveniences.
And please stop telling me what I should or shouldn't do or how I should or shouldn't be. Stop telling me how most girls usually are or what most girls typically do right after and when I do the very opposite. I always will- if anything I'll do it all even more just to spite you.
I told you, I am who I am; take it or leave it.
So leave it.
Just stop.
Because I know that I do not want to be with you- any of you. Don't call me anymore. Go find some other girl who can deal with your demanding ways. Find some other less bold and self-assured girl who is dying to not have to think and will actually want to obey you. Find one who you can successfully dominate and discipline because as you see and have seen, clearly I am definitely not her and absolutely will never be.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Lack Thereof
So we all know how I have really been having a hard time for these past couple months and the moods are still lingering at times.
I really didn't want to get out of bed today, but I did anyway.
Where do I even begin? I'm just going to play by play it as this had occurred earlier in the day and my steam for articulation and description has definitely worn off.
I told my mother today after she mentioned my lack of motivation for any sort of activity lately, "I'm still having issues."
She replied with, "Don't give me that excuse (that's her credo by the way to everything- every incident, accident, things beyond your control or in your control, anything), yeah you've been having these 'issues' for a year now."
Are you kidding me? A year? Oh if she only knew. It has taken me this long just to actually accept my major personality and chemical flaw. The incredible thing is, she sees every single fucking mark on me in the way mothers see everything, ever since I started in 3rd grade (yeah, another story for another time- though I've already discussed it long ago in a previous entry); yet, almost refuses to relate the distinction and possible enabler. She speaks as if it's just so easy to find a cure and be fine. As if just mentioning it will completely expunge the damage done.
It never ceases to utterly astound me just how great the gap really is between generations are or just how little understanding people possess. And it's all too heartbreaking when those closest to you have no clue or realization at all about the things that you really cannot control.
But then again, we all know just how afraid everyone really is of realness. Everyone chooses to be oblivious just because it's easier. No one can ever handle the mess.
People really just don't get it. Though we speak, we still have yet to find a link in and to productive communication.
I really didn't want to get out of bed today, but I did anyway.
Where do I even begin? I'm just going to play by play it as this had occurred earlier in the day and my steam for articulation and description has definitely worn off.
I told my mother today after she mentioned my lack of motivation for any sort of activity lately, "I'm still having issues."
She replied with, "Don't give me that excuse (that's her credo by the way to everything- every incident, accident, things beyond your control or in your control, anything), yeah you've been having these 'issues' for a year now."
Are you kidding me? A year? Oh if she only knew. It has taken me this long just to actually accept my major personality and chemical flaw. The incredible thing is, she sees every single fucking mark on me in the way mothers see everything, ever since I started in 3rd grade (yeah, another story for another time- though I've already discussed it long ago in a previous entry); yet, almost refuses to relate the distinction and possible enabler. She speaks as if it's just so easy to find a cure and be fine. As if just mentioning it will completely expunge the damage done.
It never ceases to utterly astound me just how great the gap really is between generations are or just how little understanding people possess. And it's all too heartbreaking when those closest to you have no clue or realization at all about the things that you really cannot control.
But then again, we all know just how afraid everyone really is of realness. Everyone chooses to be oblivious just because it's easier. No one can ever handle the mess.
People really just don't get it. Though we speak, we still have yet to find a link in and to productive communication.
Good, Ol', Friggen, Days
This past week I've been really nostalgic and reverting back to my old music library as if it were the elixir of life. These little gems of buried treasure from long ago are so extremely wonderful to reap.
So, remember The Honorary Title? Yah, remember how awesomely emo and acoustic resonating they were? They play around and experiment with different sound collaborations of soft and hard as well as add so many various musical elements such as tempo, rhythm, and melody in just one song, and mind you, they do this for every song. It's amazing.
Ignore the wack video, couldn't find a better one. This is my favorite one from them by the way. The way this song is put together is magic. Must pay attention to the tempo change at 3:00. lovelovelove.
Second favorite.
But of course I love everything from them, too bad Jarrod Gorbel is going solo, but still good. Good times good times. <3
So, remember The Honorary Title? Yah, remember how awesomely emo and acoustic resonating they were? They play around and experiment with different sound collaborations of soft and hard as well as add so many various musical elements such as tempo, rhythm, and melody in just one song, and mind you, they do this for every song. It's amazing.
Ignore the wack video, couldn't find a better one. This is my favorite one from them by the way. The way this song is put together is magic. Must pay attention to the tempo change at 3:00. lovelovelove.
Second favorite.
But of course I love everything from them, too bad Jarrod Gorbel is going solo, but still good. Good times good times. <3
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Flooding
Late nights are the worst.
But at least it's pouring comforting rain. <3
And that's good.
But at least it's pouring comforting rain. <3
And that's good.
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Saturday, March 19, 2011
Want Vs. Necessity
Why, why do certain things occur? I want to so bad, so deeply, but I can't. It's getting way too hard to hide marks anymore. But hey, go me on the self-discipline.
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Friday, March 18, 2011
Rudely Awake
I know I said I wouldn't think about you again, and I hope not to hereafter. But alas, a new- better, proclamation from the turning wheels of my lost mind. The, so to speak, dunzo conclusion. Are you ready?
I was such a goddamn fool. I am a fool.
I can't believe I believed everything you said, again.
And that is my burden of trust, attachment, and faith to bear.
You know how the saying goes,
shame on me.
I was such a goddamn fool. I am a fool.
I can't believe I believed everything you said, again.
And that is my burden of trust, attachment, and faith to bear.
You know how the saying goes,
shame on me.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
His Voice, His Eyes, His Hands
Act 3, Scene2
Lovers can see to do their amorous rites
By their own beauties, or, if love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
Thou sober suited matron all in black,
And learn me how to lose a winning match
Played for a pair of stainless maidenhoods.
Hood my unmanned blood, bating in my cheeks,
With thy black mantle till strange love grow bold,
Think true love acted simple modesty.
Lovers can see to do their amorous rites
By their own beauties, or, if love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
Thou sober suited matron all in black,
And learn me how to lose a winning match
Played for a pair of stainless maidenhoods.
Hood my unmanned blood, bating in my cheeks,
With thy black mantle till strange love grow bold,
Think true love acted simple modesty.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Old New School Love
I love Toya and Juelz's parts. This song will always hold a special something (and of course the original by Cam'ron as well); You know it.
Let me tell you why, I seen you many times
Can't describe the way you make me feel
Hang over his or mine, you got me feeling high
Could chemistry be this real
Boy it's so true, that I'm wanting you
Can we hook up and spend some time
You're the first one, boy the only one
That's always on my mind
In a summer day, in the winter time
When you breathe the heat, gonna make you mine
And I'm liking all the things you do
Can I get the chance to know you, so come on
I like it, you like it
No need to front when I'm around
I love it, you love it
That's why you keep on staring me down
You want it, I got it
And I'm telling you that
There's no need for you to be afraid
I like it
So you walking by, again you caught my eye
I knew right then you were the one I needed in my life
So check a lid and find, I nearly lost my mind
When you graced me with your presence for the second time
Let's get together and do whatever
There's no need for you to waste your time
Wanna make moves, if it's alright with you
Hit me up so we can chill sometime
I like the way you move, the things you do to me
Your smile got me feeling you
Your attitude, your style goes out on 23
I know you're feeling me
I like it, you want it, so get up on it
Update***
Old School Love:
A Lighter Shade Of Brown - Sunday Afternoon
Lucy Pearl - Dance Tonight
Coffee Brown - After Party
Blaque - Bring It All To Me
Mya - My Love is Like Whoa, etc.
Tamia - Officially Missing You, etc.
Tatyana Ali - Daydreamin'
Boyz II Men - In The Still Of The Night, One Sweet Day, etc.
Babyface - What If, Nobody Knows It But Me, etc.
Avant - Lie About Us, etc.
Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up
Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It
Keith Sweat - Twisted, Nobody, Come and Get With Me
Brian Mcknight - The Only One For Me, Back At One, etc.
Bell Biv Devoe - Poison
Ahmad Lewis - Back in the Day
Young MC - Bust A Move
2Pac (waayyy preferred over biggie, lol and where my love for goofy rapping came from) - Thugz Mansion (Acoustic), All About You, Life Goes On, Baby Don't Cry, Smile For Me, To Live & Die in LA, Broken Wings, How Do U Want It, I Ain't Mad At Cha, Hail Mary, etc.
Biggie - Only You Remix (with Mase and 112! yayy), Hypnotize, Big Poppa, Juicy, One More Chance/Stay With Me Remix, Notorious Thugs, etc.
112 (loveee them) - Cupid, Anywhere, Peaches & Cream, Dance With Me, Crazy Over You, Your Letter, etc.
Jagged Edge - Say Goodbye, Let's Get Married (original and remix), Wifey, etc.
INOJ - Love You Down, I Wanna Be Your Lady
Aaliyah (I really miss her, people need to stop dying please) - At Your Best, Come Over, Try Again, I Care 4 U, Miss You, Back & Forth
Next - Too Close
TLC - Creep, Waterfalls
Blackstreet - No Diggity
Voices Of Theory - Say It
Okay too many, I'll stop it at there lovers or this entry will never be dunzo. (Btw, Nate Dogg. sadface* RIP)
(if you haven't noticed, most of the stuff I post is more so older music and my utmost favorites)
I love the older stuff from back in the day because it brings back good feelings of better days and times of less worry and more warm/fuzzy happy goodness. Makes sense. The good stuff is forever.
And god, it just puts a smile on my face and me in the mood. (: That definitely counts.
Let me tell you why, I seen you many times
Can't describe the way you make me feel
Hang over his or mine, you got me feeling high
Could chemistry be this real
Boy it's so true, that I'm wanting you
Can we hook up and spend some time
You're the first one, boy the only one
That's always on my mind
In a summer day, in the winter time
When you breathe the heat, gonna make you mine
And I'm liking all the things you do
Can I get the chance to know you, so come on
I like it, you like it
No need to front when I'm around
I love it, you love it
That's why you keep on staring me down
You want it, I got it
And I'm telling you that
There's no need for you to be afraid
I like it
So you walking by, again you caught my eye
I knew right then you were the one I needed in my life
So check a lid and find, I nearly lost my mind
When you graced me with your presence for the second time
Let's get together and do whatever
There's no need for you to waste your time
Wanna make moves, if it's alright with you
Hit me up so we can chill sometime
I like the way you move, the things you do to me
Your smile got me feeling you
Your attitude, your style goes out on 23
I know you're feeling me
I like it, you want it, so get up on it
Update***
Old School Love:
A Lighter Shade Of Brown - Sunday Afternoon
Lucy Pearl - Dance Tonight
Coffee Brown - After Party
Blaque - Bring It All To Me
Mya - My Love is Like Whoa, etc.
Tamia - Officially Missing You, etc.
Tatyana Ali - Daydreamin'
Boyz II Men - In The Still Of The Night, One Sweet Day, etc.
Babyface - What If, Nobody Knows It But Me, etc.
Avant - Lie About Us, etc.
Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up
Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It
Keith Sweat - Twisted, Nobody, Come and Get With Me
Brian Mcknight - The Only One For Me, Back At One, etc.
Bell Biv Devoe - Poison
Ahmad Lewis - Back in the Day
Young MC - Bust A Move
2Pac (waayyy preferred over biggie, lol and where my love for goofy rapping came from) - Thugz Mansion (Acoustic), All About You, Life Goes On, Baby Don't Cry, Smile For Me, To Live & Die in LA, Broken Wings, How Do U Want It, I Ain't Mad At Cha, Hail Mary, etc.
Biggie - Only You Remix (with Mase and 112! yayy), Hypnotize, Big Poppa, Juicy, One More Chance/Stay With Me Remix, Notorious Thugs, etc.
112 (loveee them) - Cupid, Anywhere, Peaches & Cream, Dance With Me, Crazy Over You, Your Letter, etc.
Jagged Edge - Say Goodbye, Let's Get Married (original and remix), Wifey, etc.
INOJ - Love You Down, I Wanna Be Your Lady
Aaliyah (I really miss her, people need to stop dying please) - At Your Best, Come Over, Try Again, I Care 4 U, Miss You, Back & Forth
Next - Too Close
TLC - Creep, Waterfalls
Blackstreet - No Diggity
Voices Of Theory - Say It
Okay too many, I'll stop it at there lovers or this entry will never be dunzo. (Btw, Nate Dogg. sadface* RIP)
(if you haven't noticed, most of the stuff I post is more so older music and my utmost favorites)
I love the older stuff from back in the day because it brings back good feelings of better days and times of less worry and more warm/fuzzy happy goodness. Makes sense. The good stuff is forever.
And god, it just puts a smile on my face and me in the mood. (: That definitely counts.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'll Be The Fire Escape- So Many Lifeless Empty Hands
My god, it's been so many years since I've listened to The Postal Service and Azure Ray. Definitely definitely another two of my all time favorites. (I know I know, I keep saying that- but I can't help this torrid affair with music that I have) I cannot believe I haven't mentioned them yet. The music has really helped me through some hard times. It's seriously been years- I'd say about more than 5 since I've really listened to them. Though when I began -about 2-3 years before those 5- I definitely could not get enough of them. What is it about the dark emo genre that is so appealing? Hah if you don't already know the answer, then I don't know what else to tell you.
I love The Postal Service's intense lyrics and, I would say, their back in the day quite advanced and innovative synthesizer sounds (different tempos and beats with echo experiments and a whole bunch of other cacophonous trials) that were way ahead of the current bandwagon movement going on right now in popular media. And all the while their stuff is never too much noise (yeahh you guys know what I'm talking about right? crap on the radio nowadays), it's quite mellow and almost perfectly balanced actually; it's still soothing. (which is what I love about them) And we've gotta have a thing for Death Cab For Cutie, yes? Yes.
As for Azure Ray, the two's voices made into one are quite penetrating because it's delicate but it resonates like a small echo as well. It's clear and morose while the sound is quite simple, but the simple intricacies let you know that they weren't formulated as simply. Just listen to them. Together they're quite impressing and the music is striking and at times very dark. (hah, go figure as to why the music would attract me so) Too bad for their disbanding issues, though let's hope their new album will be good and create a better relationship.
So the list of my Postal Service top favorites. (though everything is utter astonishment) And their covers also pretty cool. At least for my tastes. (: Give Up is such a great album- listen to the B-sides too.
1. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
2. Such Great Heights
3. Brand New Colony
4. Against All Odds (favorite part begins at 1:22- listen to the inconsistent yet working back beat. and who doesn't love Phil Collins right?!)
5. Sleeping In
6. Nothing Better
7. Suddenly Everything Has Changed
8. Little Blue Girl
Azure Ray:
1. November EP Album (yep, all of it- November is my most favorite song from them though)
2. New Resolution
3. If You Fall
4. Sea of Doubts
5. The Drinks We Drank Last Night
6. Look to Me
7. Rest Your Eyes
8. Across the Ocean
9. Your Weak Hands
10. A Thousand Years
11. How You Remember
12. Favorite Cities
13. The New Year
14. Seven Days
15. Home
16. Azure Ray Self-Titled Album (yep, all of it)
Haha, well you get the picture.
Yeah, I would rather live, breathe, and speak through my favorite music for the time being. Personals are put on hold at present, I don't want to think about much right now. I need time.
I love The Postal Service's intense lyrics and, I would say, their back in the day quite advanced and innovative synthesizer sounds (different tempos and beats with echo experiments and a whole bunch of other cacophonous trials) that were way ahead of the current bandwagon movement going on right now in popular media. And all the while their stuff is never too much noise (yeahh you guys know what I'm talking about right? crap on the radio nowadays), it's quite mellow and almost perfectly balanced actually; it's still soothing. (which is what I love about them) And we've gotta have a thing for Death Cab For Cutie, yes? Yes.
As for Azure Ray, the two's voices made into one are quite penetrating because it's delicate but it resonates like a small echo as well. It's clear and morose while the sound is quite simple, but the simple intricacies let you know that they weren't formulated as simply. Just listen to them. Together they're quite impressing and the music is striking and at times very dark. (hah, go figure as to why the music would attract me so) Too bad for their disbanding issues, though let's hope their new album will be good and create a better relationship.
So the list of my Postal Service top favorites. (though everything is utter astonishment) And their covers also pretty cool. At least for my tastes. (: Give Up is such a great album- listen to the B-sides too.
1. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
2. Such Great Heights
3. Brand New Colony
4. Against All Odds (favorite part begins at 1:22- listen to the inconsistent yet working back beat. and who doesn't love Phil Collins right?!)
5. Sleeping In
6. Nothing Better
7. Suddenly Everything Has Changed
8. Little Blue Girl
Azure Ray:
1. November EP Album (yep, all of it- November is my most favorite song from them though)
2. New Resolution
3. If You Fall
4. Sea of Doubts
5. The Drinks We Drank Last Night
6. Look to Me
7. Rest Your Eyes
8. Across the Ocean
9. Your Weak Hands
10. A Thousand Years
11. How You Remember
12. Favorite Cities
13. The New Year
14. Seven Days
15. Home
16. Azure Ray Self-Titled Album (yep, all of it)
Haha, well you get the picture.
Yeah, I would rather live, breathe, and speak through my favorite music for the time being. Personals are put on hold at present, I don't want to think about much right now. I need time.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Nothing
is ever good enough, no matter what you do or how hard you try. Life is nothing but a series of horrible downs and all too rare neverlasting ups. Everyone is only looking out for themselves without the slightest consideration of anyone else. Nobody really cares. Everyone everywhere is full of shit and fake. The human race is failure.
So what's the point? Show me something that's worth anything.
So what's the point? Show me something that's worth anything.
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Friday, March 11, 2011
Sunshine
One of my many nicknames actually. But I think it's my most favorite.
Things are looking very light and bright. I woke up smiling today. I can breathe, and the rise in my chest? It's not the suffocating kind or a grey one, it's a warm glow familiar to the self I love so much. I feel nothing but good things to come. And I look pretty damn good today haha and in my new heels no doubt (hmm what is it about heels that are just so awesome?). I'm excited. Happy Friday lovers. (:
I absolutely love the chorus verses, they're so cute. And with rhythm and melody? Makes it such a feel good song indeed. <3
Things are looking very light and bright. I woke up smiling today. I can breathe, and the rise in my chest? It's not the suffocating kind or a grey one, it's a warm glow familiar to the self I love so much. I feel nothing but good things to come. And I look pretty damn good today haha and in my new heels no doubt (hmm what is it about heels that are just so awesome?). I'm excited. Happy Friday lovers. (:
I absolutely love the chorus verses, they're so cute. And with rhythm and melody? Makes it such a feel good song indeed. <3
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Blocked
I think I've hit a wall. I've been beginning to realize that these past couple months, my writing has become impaired and definitely lacking in technique and vernacular. And also lacking in substance and stimulus. It's stopped flowing and my thoughts aren't together anymore. It's not as easy for something fresh to come out of me anymore like it used to. Things seemed to have slowed down the working wheels in my head. And I don't like it- I don't like it at all, as I am writing everything out, I myself know that the words are too rudimentary and crap. I've even mentioned it a lot in many entries. Definitely way below sub-par. It's like my brain isn't learning anything new or being stimulated at all. And it feels as if I have lost whatever it is I tried so hard to achieve with the written word. I hate it.
I think I've hit a wall, or I really fear that I've gotten dumber or less sharp. Is that even possible? I feel like I am just repeating the same vocabulary and basic informal words over and over again that it's really been making me sick of even my own voice. For quite some time now. Maybe I am just really writing way too much. You know, when you do something too much that it changes in a way. It becomes too routine and casual that something in your hardware wiring becomes slightly desensitized.
I'm trying to pinpoint exactly when my brain started going downhill. I'm thinking maybe somewhere around last September? But I started realizing and getting sick of it from I would say mid-November or December. I don't get it. I've been writing almost everyday, you'd think that would've kept my mind sharp, but I suppose my entries are lacking substance because all I ever talk about is pure crap now. Nothing at all about real philosophies or anything. I mean I've had a few small breakthroughs, but everything else these past several months have all just been so goddamn pathetic and horrible in formalism and articulation. And even my breakthroughs, the content compared to when I first started this blog and the year after, they still don't compare.
It's all shit. You'd think my brain would be further developing, but it actually feels like it's declining and deteriorating. I hate this. When did it all become so superficial? Do you think maybe it's because I've been too consumed with crap surface drama and the business working world when it all started going downhill? I've been too much around simplicity and those who I have to dumb down my speech for. (I can't even find the right or exact words to try to explain what I even mean) This doesn't even make any cohesive sense. Does it make sense? Immerse yourself long enough in or with something and they start to rub off onto you.
I feel like I'm getting dumber the longer I am in this tedious work environment. Around business people who don't have very good communication or language skills- we all know they are different from written word aficionados- different languages are spoken. They don't think of things and words in terms of beauty and and art form with literature like us kindred spirits do. They are more pragmatic. Trust me, their minds are different and we all can understand and know just how many different kinds of people populate the world. I think I've even written about them in past entries regarding majors. You can tell how a person thinks with the fields they have studied or are interested in. (just like people who have studied engineering, mathematics, biology, etc.) It's an easy tell and read. Sorry I don't mean to sound pretentious or snobby, but I really can't I haven't even find the right words to express what I've been feeling for months. I haven't even written any poetry since I don't know when, I did however pick it up last night, but nothing good came out of it- just a few mediocre sentences.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Have I hit a real block? It's all become too common than I can stand. I think I need a break (though not sure how long that will last since I'm addicted to the written word) to recharge and envelope myself in something more, something beautiful or enlightening for a while for some inspiration rather than the common and simple majority world of our century that I really loathe so much; I need to surround myself with those who I can intellectually and knowledgeably grow with. I know I have been getting my shit together, but I need an existential literary vision or awakening or something- or possibly need to rack in some Brain Age hours. Maybe even a miracle.
I think I've hit a wall, or I really fear that I've gotten dumber or less sharp. Is that even possible? I feel like I am just repeating the same vocabulary and basic informal words over and over again that it's really been making me sick of even my own voice. For quite some time now. Maybe I am just really writing way too much. You know, when you do something too much that it changes in a way. It becomes too routine and casual that something in your hardware wiring becomes slightly desensitized.
I'm trying to pinpoint exactly when my brain started going downhill. I'm thinking maybe somewhere around last September? But I started realizing and getting sick of it from I would say mid-November or December. I don't get it. I've been writing almost everyday, you'd think that would've kept my mind sharp, but I suppose my entries are lacking substance because all I ever talk about is pure crap now. Nothing at all about real philosophies or anything. I mean I've had a few small breakthroughs, but everything else these past several months have all just been so goddamn pathetic and horrible in formalism and articulation. And even my breakthroughs, the content compared to when I first started this blog and the year after, they still don't compare.
It's all shit. You'd think my brain would be further developing, but it actually feels like it's declining and deteriorating. I hate this. When did it all become so superficial? Do you think maybe it's because I've been too consumed with crap surface drama and the business working world when it all started going downhill? I've been too much around simplicity and those who I have to dumb down my speech for. (I can't even find the right or exact words to try to explain what I even mean) This doesn't even make any cohesive sense. Does it make sense? Immerse yourself long enough in or with something and they start to rub off onto you.
I feel like I'm getting dumber the longer I am in this tedious work environment. Around business people who don't have very good communication or language skills- we all know they are different from written word aficionados- different languages are spoken. They don't think of things and words in terms of beauty and and art form with literature like us kindred spirits do. They are more pragmatic. Trust me, their minds are different and we all can understand and know just how many different kinds of people populate the world. I think I've even written about them in past entries regarding majors. You can tell how a person thinks with the fields they have studied or are interested in. (just like people who have studied engineering, mathematics, biology, etc.) It's an easy tell and read. Sorry I don't mean to sound pretentious or snobby, but I really can't I haven't even find the right words to express what I've been feeling for months. I haven't even written any poetry since I don't know when, I did however pick it up last night, but nothing good came out of it- just a few mediocre sentences.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Have I hit a real block? It's all become too common than I can stand. I think I need a break (though not sure how long that will last since I'm addicted to the written word) to recharge and envelope myself in something more, something beautiful or enlightening for a while for some inspiration rather than the common and simple majority world of our century that I really loathe so much; I need to surround myself with those who I can intellectually and knowledgeably grow with. I know I have been getting my shit together, but I need an existential literary vision or awakening or something- or possibly need to rack in some Brain Age hours. Maybe even a miracle.
Awake
It just hit me. Neighbor, yeah I'm talking to you, I think we were both using each other in place of something else, though we would've never admitted it. And it all just got to be too much; it got out of hand. No more mess, drama, fallacies, theatrics, or expectations any longer. I had turned into someone who wasn't me and who I don't like. But this isn't happening anymore. Even if you don't care, I can't help but still do and I know I always will. You're worse than I am when it comes to strings and even more restless. How did I get so small in your eyes? We've reached an impasse. And yes I do miss you, but that's irrelevant. It's all irrelevant and doesn't make a difference now- everything. Now that I know you're okay (but you always are right?), I'm letting you go, really this time. I'm not going to think about you anymore. Yet please, do take care of yourself and be safe. And now I can just continue to disappear into the background like I was never really there- I don't think I ever should've really been there to begin with. It was a fairly good experience to keep. I think it's honestly more so about the loss of something great than the actual situation at hand that has me really hung up, but again it doesn't matter anymore. Now I can really move forward without any underlying factors or back of the mind thoughts hindering me. No more sulking and no more feeling bad. I'm done with past sentiments and am fully embracing the control of positive outlook for the future and a fresh start of acceptance- my optimistic future, my terms now.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Himerus And Eros
You're captivating while evading
All the questions I have for you like,
"What exactly makes you tick?"
When the guilt sets in tell me
What are we going to do?
Your tongue is wet with a top secret passion
I hope I am the cause of it
I'll navigate this unsturdy vessel
Filled with a soft sea of pillows and blankets
And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more
Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you
I've sunken in the quicksands of love
And I don't want you to rescue me
Screw what my supposed friends think
It's obvious they reek of jealousy
It's obvious they reek of jealousy
I hope to God I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
And oh-how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips
Monday, March 7, 2011
Patterns And Facts; Why Still The Self-Astonishment?
So, I dug a little further into these past couple years by clicking through the archives and I have realized, I seriously jump from guy to guy. Quite hectically, turbulently, violently, destructively, abusively, addictively, chaotically, crazily, flippantly, capriciously, stridently, and then some more adverbs.
Last Friday as I was having dinner with the best, we discussed our patterns with guys. She mentioned her familiar pattern and how she waits for a specific act to happen and then she's completely done with them, but in the meantime hopelessly devoted yet disinterested at the same time until that particular event occurs.
It got me thinking to my own vicious pattern and seeing as I have been doing some ultimate soul searching these past couple years, I figured I would skim through the sporadic records of my life.
What I came to find out- no, what I got hit with hard was, with my fickle personality, I go through guys. I must have gone through so many different guys this past year and up to now. And only the ones I have written about are the important ones- you know, the ones I have felt something for, there are also the ones who are so insignificant that they aren't even on my radar. Sorry guys, but at least I was honest. But, so many. Every time I try to stay and remain single, it never works out. Why is that? Besides the part where it's too much fun and too easy all at the same time. But what about the tragic and disastrous parts? Yeah, I seem to get a lot of those. I'm working on weeding out infatuation and applying more logical common sense. (go me for trying to stop the fool episodes) You know, narrowing it down and people out because it all comes down to one.
My pattern being that I always go for the assholes that end up treating me like shit. And whenever I meet a nice guy, I'm so neutral and disinterested that it's all way too easy because they never stood a chance to begin with. Even my friends have said that to me that the guy never stood a chance. Why is that? Could it stem from the definitely there mentally internal father issues from childhood? The major abandonment issues I obviously possess? Or my apparent commitment issues that coincide? Is it secretly the challenge? What am I searching for? Is it the adverse after effects later that I crave? Do I choose these guys while secretly knowing and wishing they'll leave as to ensure an everlasting impermanence? Is it the intentional distance automatically provided and maintained that keeps me strung along because it prevents any opportunity to really get close to me? Is it the tragedy that I love? Am I just addicted to pain? What is it? What's with these undiscerning deep rooted psychological issues screwing us over and over again that leave us internally handicapped?
I know my pattern, I may not know the reason behind it, but I do know it. Much to my advantage, I have been trying to break down the pattern and break the cycle starting from almost a month now by letting the nice guys talk to me and not completely writing them off. Yes, I may be in Switzerland territory (neutral, you idiots), but I am starting to deduce and understand that maybe it's a good thing to stay neutral because then you can think more clearly. We all ideally know that it's the ones that start slow and take time which end up meaning something. We know it, but we never follow it most of the time. Everything moves too fast now in this day and age. Subtlety and courtship is gone. That's why it all goes wrong, when you jump into things fast. Shit happens when you don't think straight. And now everybody just wants to get laid. Whatever happened to the good stuff?
I want the dream.
It would be better to not deal with guys altogether, but that's also me shutting out good risk, chance, and the world out- which I try to do way too often. My friends tell me all the time that I need to stop shutting people out, so there this and that is.
I fall in and out of absolutely absurd devastation (I even think they're really dumb situations homies) so quickly all the time with the wrong guys, so I've finally decided to do the opposite of my normative instant gratification behavior and dumbass blinding want instinct. By giving the guys completely opposite from what I am used to, attracted to, and interested in a chance to show me something else. I've changed a 180 in my behaviour and perspective on things. Doing everything I possibly can different as to break my cycle. Taking everything with very very slow caution and weighing in realistic and practical terms along with it. This cycle breaking seems to be progressing for the better thus far. I hope it might be working and I know this is good for me.
Last Friday as I was having dinner with the best, we discussed our patterns with guys. She mentioned her familiar pattern and how she waits for a specific act to happen and then she's completely done with them, but in the meantime hopelessly devoted yet disinterested at the same time until that particular event occurs.
It got me thinking to my own vicious pattern and seeing as I have been doing some ultimate soul searching these past couple years, I figured I would skim through the sporadic records of my life.
What I came to find out- no, what I got hit with hard was, with my fickle personality, I go through guys. I must have gone through so many different guys this past year and up to now. And only the ones I have written about are the important ones- you know, the ones I have felt something for, there are also the ones who are so insignificant that they aren't even on my radar. Sorry guys, but at least I was honest. But, so many. Every time I try to stay and remain single, it never works out. Why is that? Besides the part where it's too much fun and too easy all at the same time. But what about the tragic and disastrous parts? Yeah, I seem to get a lot of those. I'm working on weeding out infatuation and applying more logical common sense. (go me for trying to stop the fool episodes) You know, narrowing it down and people out because it all comes down to one.
My pattern being that I always go for the assholes that end up treating me like shit. And whenever I meet a nice guy, I'm so neutral and disinterested that it's all way too easy because they never stood a chance to begin with. Even my friends have said that to me that the guy never stood a chance. Why is that? Could it stem from the definitely there mentally internal father issues from childhood? The major abandonment issues I obviously possess? Or my apparent commitment issues that coincide? Is it secretly the challenge? What am I searching for? Is it the adverse after effects later that I crave? Do I choose these guys while secretly knowing and wishing they'll leave as to ensure an everlasting impermanence? Is it the intentional distance automatically provided and maintained that keeps me strung along because it prevents any opportunity to really get close to me? Is it the tragedy that I love? Am I just addicted to pain? What is it? What's with these undiscerning deep rooted psychological issues screwing us over and over again that leave us internally handicapped?
I know my pattern, I may not know the reason behind it, but I do know it. Much to my advantage, I have been trying to break down the pattern and break the cycle starting from almost a month now by letting the nice guys talk to me and not completely writing them off. Yes, I may be in Switzerland territory (neutral, you idiots), but I am starting to deduce and understand that maybe it's a good thing to stay neutral because then you can think more clearly. We all ideally know that it's the ones that start slow and take time which end up meaning something. We know it, but we never follow it most of the time. Everything moves too fast now in this day and age. Subtlety and courtship is gone. That's why it all goes wrong, when you jump into things fast. Shit happens when you don't think straight. And now everybody just wants to get laid. Whatever happened to the good stuff?
I want the dream.
It would be better to not deal with guys altogether, but that's also me shutting out good risk, chance, and the world out- which I try to do way too often. My friends tell me all the time that I need to stop shutting people out, so there this and that is.
I fall in and out of absolutely absurd devastation (I even think they're really dumb situations homies) so quickly all the time with the wrong guys, so I've finally decided to do the opposite of my normative instant gratification behavior and dumbass blinding want instinct. By giving the guys completely opposite from what I am used to, attracted to, and interested in a chance to show me something else. I've changed a 180 in my behaviour and perspective on things. Doing everything I possibly can different as to break my cycle. Taking everything with very very slow caution and weighing in realistic and practical terms along with it. This cycle breaking seems to be progressing for the better thus far. I hope it might be working and I know this is good for me.
Spill Canvas Part 2
Nick Thomas. That's it. I'm falling in love with the music all over again. Hence the reason for another devoted entry. By the way, I forgot to mention how great Formalities is, it's way different and more upbeat, but it's a nice change of fresh air. But of course I'm still devoted to One Fell Swoop and Sunsets and Car Crashes- the earlier stuff. (ie; Go For The Jugular, etc.) He's the reason as to why I love The Spill Canvas so much (I can honestly say, besides The Cure, this band is my all time favoritefavorite- this is it, every fucking song). He is the brain, heart, and art of the concept. I kind of feel bad for the other band members, but hey- he started it. (Yep, been listening to them alllll the time again now) His voice, god I love it. I love a guy that can sing, and when he can really sing and have a distinct sound that's just his- I'm totally fallen. I just love the sound of his voice and the way he enunciates and delivers. It's how he draws out different syllables and parts of the word; he changes tempo and structure. Not many singers/artists do that. It gives off the disposition that he's really putting all his emotion into the words he's singing, as if he's doing anything he can to exhale the words out, and all the messy crap baggage that comes with living and feeling, until his very last breath, until it's absolutely necessary to take another. When listening, it's like you're right there with him re-experiencing and re-living the story he's telling. No embellishments, just pure honesty. Too bad he's so cyptic with himself that there is hardly any information about him or the reasons behind his songs. But also, too bad they're on hiatus. sadface.
I used to know you like the back of my hand
Until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
'Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love
Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be
This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same
I used to hold you like it's all that I had
Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of
'Till tonight you never thought
you'd lose this epic battle with love
For what it's worth, I've always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved you
Yep, word.
I used to know you like the back of my hand
Until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
'Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love
Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be
This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same
I used to hold you like it's all that I had
Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of
'Till tonight you never thought
you'd lose this epic battle with love
For what it's worth, I've always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved you
Yep, word.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Steel And Conclusions
So it's been I would say, a couple weeks since I've indulged. I haven't at all since I woke up all marked up without much recollection to how it all got there. Yet, I've realized that I need to really start being more careful because it's getting complicated. Warmer weather is approaching fast and people are actually far too observant than I gave them credit for, surprise surprise. (ie; my mother and friends) I'm so used to being the only one who notices every little detail that I'm suddenly taken a back when others eyes have started to gaze unnecessary attention. Thus having to perfect even further my quite impressive and all too convincing lying skills, but even that can only go so far. I can hardly feign a contiguous clumsiness -though very clumsy I may be- when there are just so many instances being asked to be explained. I know, realize, and understand that I cannot continue to maintain this habit any longer. But with everything changing and me so adept at discarding and starting a new, I have to divulge, I've already been feeling that I won't need to tamper anymore. I have this good radiating rise in my chest at times now amongst the dark place turmoil. I feel a new sentiment of positive and bright change developing that might soon be well executed out to full extent- optimistically speaking naturally. (of course elaborations of why will be supplied in due time, but I need time first) I'm so ready to be better and leave all the bad stuff behind. I'm so ready to be over all of my unappealing messy dark places and jump start my dominating nonchalance again. I'm so ready to be me again rather than this sorry shell of a person who keeps relapsing and falling back after declared new starts. I really want to start getting my shit together and be a better person not just internally but external physical actions as well. Didn't I tell you I would probably be so over dealing with all of these stupid messes by the end of the weekend? But, no more self declarations of new beginnings, let's just take it all slowly day by day, moment to moment and see how it goes. Here's to hoping for tomorrow lovers.
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Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
9 Part Duex, 9.2?
So, I didn't go to work again today. Decided to stay in bed again. It's a little worse than yesterday. I bought 3 pairs of shoes yesterday and had dinner with my best/blood (yes, we sort of call and consider each other either or, but never together, 'cause that would be.. weird.. mostly it's just best) last night. She helped me narrow down 6 pairs to 3- super fun. (; So that helped a bit. Seriously, if heels didn't need to be methodically broken in, I would wear them not just everyday, but all day and in every way. I'd never take them off I love shoes so much. You form relationships and attachment to shoes. (haha don't get me started, I actually explained off the top of my head last night about this to a guy friend)
Okay, but that's not the point of this entry.
So I was looking at my music collection last night and going over my older stuff that I've compiled these past several years.
I forgot just how much I used to love The Spill Canvas. I quite seriously had an affair with the first two album: Sunsets And Car Crashes & One Fell Swoop, my favorite being One Fell Swoop. I loved and still love how dark and 'emo' the eerie, yet so smartly worded lyrics were. And when mixed in with the soft and metronome-like soothing sound of their rhythm and melody, it created a different story for me. It just took me and kept me in their shielded world where nothing could touch me. You know, it's the little things.
I used to just listen to these two albums (so I was happy when they came out with a new album, but it had a different sound- you can tell, but it's of course still good) over and over and over again for months and months at a time, constantly plugged in everywhere I went. First in my car with cds- yes remember those? and then following with the first generation ipod mini -everyday at school, all the time- I received as a birthday gift in high school and then the technology fell onto quicker and more versatile times as I emerged my way into university. This however quite literally killed my favorite ipod mini because even after replacing the battery, it died. It was a travesty, when I would turn it on- it just would shut off, even with the battery fully charged. I couldn't do anything with it. But luckily I was bestowed an ipod touch as fortunate replacement.
I started listening to them in high school when they first made their presence into the media and they stuck with me until the first 1 and half years of university. I go through music seriously quite fastidiously; I find news every week if not daily. But this stuff, I was stuck on The Spill Canvas for years, in one of those states. Of course simultaneously listening to other stuff, but you know how it is. There's music that sticks with you and that you always go back to. Music that you form a special connection with, given that specific time and feeling emotion at that place in time and moment. There's music that you always go back to, your go to songs- therapy.
I forgot how much peace and bittersweet comfort listening to The Spill Canvas used to give me.
Some loves can last right?
Never have I ever wanted to much to be able to speak to an artist and discuss the thought and process, not to mention intention, behind the written lyrics.
I love them. They have this beautifully tragic violence in them that's graphically and crimsonly (yes, I made that word up, what what) appealing, but it's tempered and controlled. Their use of words in the lyrics are something that I respect because it's not so basic and 21st century easy lingo that is in most music nowadays. It's more perfected and old, but with a modern twist.
When I got into them, there was barely any information about them on the Internets, but googling them up now, I'm glad to have something to read.
Since it hardly seems practical to youtube all my favorite songs, here's a list. It's everything- listen to the hidden soft sounds, the music as a whole, the words in the lyrics and how it's used, listen to the tiny individual parts.
1. Teleport A and B
2. Secret Oath
3. Valiant
4. This is for Keeps
5. Self Conclusion
6. Lullaby
7. Staplegunned
8. Himeros and Eros
9. Bound to Happen
10. Aim Snap Fall
11. The Tide
12. The Night Will Go As Follows
13. All Hail the Heartbreaker
14. So Much
15. 3685
16. Under the Covers
17. Sunsets and Car Crashes
18. Charcoal Gray Above
19. Still Walking After You
20. Homesick
21. Lust a Prima Vista
22. The Dutch Courage
23. Polygraph, Right Now!
24, Natalie Marie and 1cc
25. Low Fidelity
26. Connect the Dots
27. Appreciate and the Bomb
Haha, I wasn't kidding when I said I love them. And those are just my favorites. Haha the entire One Fell Swoop is on there, oh how I love them.
Music isn't just the melody, the rhythm, or the lyrics. It's also how it's sung and how the words are spoken to fit and flow into the notes and beats. It's about the timed pronunciation and emphasis on chosen matched tempos and off beats. It pulls the entire piece together, it's everything. It's what hits and makes it count. It's what creates my light.
I seem to be feeling much better now. Downgraded to a numbing 8. Not bad. Nowadays it does seem like the only thing respiring me is music. But that isn't a bad thing at all lovers. I love it. And now for some more shopping. (: I should be out of this mood before the week is over. (god let's hope, please) Cheers, happy Friday.
Okay, but that's not the point of this entry.
So I was looking at my music collection last night and going over my older stuff that I've compiled these past several years.
I forgot just how much I used to love The Spill Canvas. I quite seriously had an affair with the first two album: Sunsets And Car Crashes & One Fell Swoop, my favorite being One Fell Swoop. I loved and still love how dark and 'emo' the eerie, yet so smartly worded lyrics were. And when mixed in with the soft and metronome-like soothing sound of their rhythm and melody, it created a different story for me. It just took me and kept me in their shielded world where nothing could touch me. You know, it's the little things.
I used to just listen to these two albums (so I was happy when they came out with a new album, but it had a different sound- you can tell, but it's of course still good) over and over and over again for months and months at a time, constantly plugged in everywhere I went. First in my car with cds- yes remember those? and then following with the first generation ipod mini -everyday at school, all the time- I received as a birthday gift in high school and then the technology fell onto quicker and more versatile times as I emerged my way into university. This however quite literally killed my favorite ipod mini because even after replacing the battery, it died. It was a travesty, when I would turn it on- it just would shut off, even with the battery fully charged. I couldn't do anything with it. But luckily I was bestowed an ipod touch as fortunate replacement.
I started listening to them in high school when they first made their presence into the media and they stuck with me until the first 1 and half years of university. I go through music seriously quite fastidiously; I find news every week if not daily. But this stuff, I was stuck on The Spill Canvas for years, in one of those states. Of course simultaneously listening to other stuff, but you know how it is. There's music that sticks with you and that you always go back to. Music that you form a special connection with, given that specific time and feeling emotion at that place in time and moment. There's music that you always go back to, your go to songs- therapy.
I forgot how much peace and bittersweet comfort listening to The Spill Canvas used to give me.
Some loves can last right?
Never have I ever wanted to much to be able to speak to an artist and discuss the thought and process, not to mention intention, behind the written lyrics.
I love them. They have this beautifully tragic violence in them that's graphically and crimsonly (yes, I made that word up, what what) appealing, but it's tempered and controlled. Their use of words in the lyrics are something that I respect because it's not so basic and 21st century easy lingo that is in most music nowadays. It's more perfected and old, but with a modern twist.
When I got into them, there was barely any information about them on the Internets, but googling them up now, I'm glad to have something to read.
Since it hardly seems practical to youtube all my favorite songs, here's a list. It's everything- listen to the hidden soft sounds, the music as a whole, the words in the lyrics and how it's used, listen to the tiny individual parts.
1. Teleport A and B
2. Secret Oath
3. Valiant
4. This is for Keeps
5. Self Conclusion
6. Lullaby
7. Staplegunned
8. Himeros and Eros
9. Bound to Happen
10. Aim Snap Fall
11. The Tide
12. The Night Will Go As Follows
13. All Hail the Heartbreaker
14. So Much
15. 3685
16. Under the Covers
17. Sunsets and Car Crashes
18. Charcoal Gray Above
19. Still Walking After You
20. Homesick
21. Lust a Prima Vista
22. The Dutch Courage
23. Polygraph, Right Now!
24, Natalie Marie and 1cc
25. Low Fidelity
26. Connect the Dots
27. Appreciate and the Bomb
Haha, I wasn't kidding when I said I love them. And those are just my favorites. Haha the entire One Fell Swoop is on there, oh how I love them.
Music isn't just the melody, the rhythm, or the lyrics. It's also how it's sung and how the words are spoken to fit and flow into the notes and beats. It's about the timed pronunciation and emphasis on chosen matched tempos and off beats. It pulls the entire piece together, it's everything. It's what hits and makes it count. It's what creates my light.
I seem to be feeling much better now. Downgraded to a numbing 8. Not bad. Nowadays it does seem like the only thing respiring me is music. But that isn't a bad thing at all lovers. I love it. And now for some more shopping. (: I should be out of this mood before the week is over. (god let's hope, please) Cheers, happy Friday.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
9
I didn't go to work today. I just didn't, care, I still don't. I'm sorry,
it's getting really bad.
I chose to sleep the day away today, trying get away from the chest aches and writhing pain I unfortunately feel, all over. The shit I'm carrying and holding. Everything, right. I feel like crying nonstop, but nothing. So for now I'll just lay in bed, plugged into my ipod lovely world until I drift off back into dream and out of reality. Or until this passes, because it surely always does lovers.
it's getting really bad.
I chose to sleep the day away today, trying get away from the chest aches and writhing pain I unfortunately feel, all over. The shit I'm carrying and holding. Everything, right. I feel like crying nonstop, but nothing. So for now I'll just lay in bed, plugged into my ipod lovely world until I drift off back into dream and out of reality. Or until this passes, because it surely always does lovers.
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Ending
Thanks for watching as I fell and fall.
It's been about two weeks? maybe more, maybe less I think, since we've spoken.
But I'm not asking for anything, I never have. I just need to get this out there so I don't have to carry it with me anymore and I can move forward once again.
I just wanted you to never lie to me and to really be there. There's a difference, but maybe it's just too impossible for us. You don't know how badly I want to call you right now (though you're so unreachable it probably wouldn't make any difference) or to just have the comfort of you next to me. But, that's something I cannot let myself do.
Best of friends/close friends (i didn't write best friends)/whatever it is we are or were, don't leave, period. Or want out because it gets too crazy and tough. It's an unconditional never ending supply of support, consideration, and reassurance. They know to take care and always be around, pushing their existence through the walls and into your life, always making their presence known (as i tried and cared for you), regardless of how much you withdraw.
I know I've done that before and shut you out, but that was a different time, before we supposedly had this 'great' breakthrough and then I let you in.
I'm too prideful to really admit that I need you (though your pride is greater), now more than ever, though I absolutely earnestly and realistically shouldn't. Really. But I'm fortune's fool. Because nothing even or ever matters to you and I should know better. At least by now. If anything- I'll be fine, I'm doing fine, I'm always fine, like always. I'll get over this, like I always do. And I'll learn to sleep alone again, without you.
But stupid me, I believed everything you said and eventually about everything you pushed about being 'best friends' (valid term best friends still not used. can't tell the difference? quotes detract meaning and create different emphasis idiots) I'm once again the fucking idiot who should've never let her guard down. That title, best friends, to me isn't given away lightly, it's a special place and treatment reserved for only one worthy who has been through it all, all the scariness and still comes back for more. I only have one and she's considered family to me. Maybe it should've remained that way, just one, but I believed in the good part of you. I don't know why, but I always have- absurdly still do; thus, I made room and accommodated for an addition. You probably shake your head at my unwavering faith in people and gullibility as you recollect my foolishness.
What's the right and good thing for a person isn't ever the wanted thing, thus making the feat all the more difficult. And the wanted thing is never what is good and right, but is indeed the leading smart decision.
From what I've tried and perceived, you're just too unemotional and unfeeling. I've tried so hard to get to you, but that only resulted in adverse effects. And I'm sorry for everything. Everything. And those will be my things to bury.
I wish I had never trusted to tell you my secrets- to let you know the real me, to want to let you know me. I wish I never tried with you and said a word. I wished I never believed you wholeheartedly or decided to let you in. I told you how I supposed that I was never even close to being on your list of importance, but you said otherwise. Did you believe you? Because it all ended up to be just a quick fluke- meaningless to you. And here we are now, back to where we began. Me, at a major loss bottom low, and you, on top shining and good as always as everything turns out to be, and you're not here now. I am the biggest fool of all to ever believe the masochistic one way self-serving cycle could ever be different and better. That I could ever be redeemed and compensated by karmic goodness.
You didn't change, you just adapted. Okay, yes I absolutely agree, you have become better, but look at the entire picture. You don't genuinely, really, consider anyone but you, deep down. Face it, take a re-evaluation and look, it's unfortunately true and all there. You and I are not dumb to say the least, and you've got such a smart brain. But truth, you take it all -everything- and you don't care or think, about anything or anyone. That's how it's always been, for years. I should've known nothing would ever make it. I wish I knew what you were thinking, I never know. I can't read you. You've blocked out life without realizing, henceforth becoming merely a bystander- just watching the passing by. And I wish(ed) more for you, hop(ed) greater for you. I wish you'd fight for something, anything.
I wish(ed) you'd let yourself live and feel things. The worst part is I know I'll always be too forgiving no matter how many times I swear never again. A glutton for punishment. You'll probably disappear as expected, though I wish you wouldn't. You should know that you can always count on me and that I'd never fail you, I think I can say that I've proved that already if you look back into our history- I'm still here. And I'm still proving it, although you probably never think about me. But, I do wish you more than all the best and luck the world has to offer. I mean it; yet, when do I ever not mean it? But I can't keep doing this, I can't keep pushing and pulling with you, hoping you'll let me in all the while stirring shit up only making shit crazier; I cannot be strung along any longer. I'll just have to get myself to not miss you anymore and not want you around anymore. Wow, I sound quite pathetic- so over all this mushy crap. It was a great couple months while it lasted. The second worst part is, that you just and don't even know. But this is all that I have left.
It's been about two weeks? maybe more, maybe less I think, since we've spoken.
But I'm not asking for anything, I never have. I just need to get this out there so I don't have to carry it with me anymore and I can move forward once again.
I just wanted you to never lie to me and to really be there. There's a difference, but maybe it's just too impossible for us. You don't know how badly I want to call you right now (though you're so unreachable it probably wouldn't make any difference) or to just have the comfort of you next to me. But, that's something I cannot let myself do.
Best of friends/close friends (i didn't write best friends)/whatever it is we are or were, don't leave, period. Or want out because it gets too crazy and tough. It's an unconditional never ending supply of support, consideration, and reassurance. They know to take care and always be around, pushing their existence through the walls and into your life, always making their presence known (as i tried and cared for you), regardless of how much you withdraw.
I know I've done that before and shut you out, but that was a different time, before we supposedly had this 'great' breakthrough and then I let you in.
I'm too prideful to really admit that I need you (though your pride is greater), now more than ever, though I absolutely earnestly and realistically shouldn't. Really. But I'm fortune's fool. Because nothing even or ever matters to you and I should know better. At least by now. If anything- I'll be fine, I'm doing fine, I'm always fine, like always. I'll get over this, like I always do. And I'll learn to sleep alone again, without you.
But stupid me, I believed everything you said and eventually about everything you pushed about being 'best friends' (valid term best friends still not used. can't tell the difference? quotes detract meaning and create different emphasis idiots) I'm once again the fucking idiot who should've never let her guard down. That title, best friends, to me isn't given away lightly, it's a special place and treatment reserved for only one worthy who has been through it all, all the scariness and still comes back for more. I only have one and she's considered family to me. Maybe it should've remained that way, just one, but I believed in the good part of you. I don't know why, but I always have- absurdly still do; thus, I made room and accommodated for an addition. You probably shake your head at my unwavering faith in people and gullibility as you recollect my foolishness.
What's the right and good thing for a person isn't ever the wanted thing, thus making the feat all the more difficult. And the wanted thing is never what is good and right, but is indeed the leading smart decision.
From what I've tried and perceived, you're just too unemotional and unfeeling. I've tried so hard to get to you, but that only resulted in adverse effects. And I'm sorry for everything. Everything. And those will be my things to bury.
I wish I had never trusted to tell you my secrets- to let you know the real me, to want to let you know me. I wish I never tried with you and said a word. I wished I never believed you wholeheartedly or decided to let you in. I told you how I supposed that I was never even close to being on your list of importance, but you said otherwise. Did you believe you? Because it all ended up to be just a quick fluke- meaningless to you. And here we are now, back to where we began. Me, at a major loss bottom low, and you, on top shining and good as always as everything turns out to be, and you're not here now. I am the biggest fool of all to ever believe the masochistic one way self-serving cycle could ever be different and better. That I could ever be redeemed and compensated by karmic goodness.
You didn't change, you just adapted. Okay, yes I absolutely agree, you have become better, but look at the entire picture. You don't genuinely, really, consider anyone but you, deep down. Face it, take a re-evaluation and look, it's unfortunately true and all there. You and I are not dumb to say the least, and you've got such a smart brain. But truth, you take it all -everything- and you don't care or think, about anything or anyone. That's how it's always been, for years. I should've known nothing would ever make it. I wish I knew what you were thinking, I never know. I can't read you. You've blocked out life without realizing, henceforth becoming merely a bystander- just watching the passing by. And I wish(ed) more for you, hop(ed) greater for you. I wish you'd fight for something, anything.
I wish(ed) you'd let yourself live and feel things. The worst part is I know I'll always be too forgiving no matter how many times I swear never again. A glutton for punishment. You'll probably disappear as expected, though I wish you wouldn't. You should know that you can always count on me and that I'd never fail you, I think I can say that I've proved that already if you look back into our history- I'm still here. And I'm still proving it, although you probably never think about me. But, I do wish you more than all the best and luck the world has to offer. I mean it; yet, when do I ever not mean it? But I can't keep doing this, I can't keep pushing and pulling with you, hoping you'll let me in all the while stirring shit up only making shit crazier; I cannot be strung along any longer. I'll just have to get myself to not miss you anymore and not want you around anymore. Wow, I sound quite pathetic- so over all this mushy crap. It was a great couple months while it lasted. The second worst part is, that you just and don't even know. But this is all that I have left.
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21- Breathtaking
God, why is she just so amazing? (go figure I love her, her sound influences are.. guess?) And she's only 22 years of age! I am so damn glad her new album finally came out! I was waiting foreverssss. (: And it's just as great as her first! <3
I couldn't choose which one to choose, 'cause she's just so damn great. So here are a couple of my faves from both albums.
amazing cover.
And she did a cover to The Cure's Lovesong!! The Cureeee!!!!!!!!!! (we all know how much I really really really love them! gahhh!) lovelovelove!
There's just too much greatness! All her songs are amaaaazingggg. Is that too much? haha nahh. (;
It's crazy how music can touch the soul and how it's just plain good for you. One of the great cures and medicines of all.
I couldn't choose which one to choose, 'cause she's just so damn great. So here are a couple of my faves from both albums.
amazing cover.
And she did a cover to The Cure's Lovesong!! The Cureeee!!!!!!!!!! (we all know how much I really really really love them! gahhh!) lovelovelove!
There's just too much greatness! All her songs are amaaaazingggg. Is that too much? haha nahh. (;
It's crazy how music can touch the soul and how it's just plain good for you. One of the great cures and medicines of all.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Just Like Smoke
Another of my many all time favorite songs. <3
God, and who doesn't love Radiohead? lovelovelove.
I would no sooner choose life in the special true world cosmos, nourished, fed, and strengthened off of the beautiful and complicated emphasized flow of words, music, passion, and depth, protectively enveloped in an unconditionally comforting and perennially dual scintillatingly transparent yet invitingly hazy cloud.
God, and who doesn't love Radiohead? lovelovelove.
I would no sooner choose life in the special true world cosmos, nourished, fed, and strengthened off of the beautiful and complicated emphasized flow of words, music, passion, and depth, protectively enveloped in an unconditionally comforting and perennially dual scintillatingly transparent yet invitingly hazy cloud.
Locksmith
I'm locking my heart away for a very long time and burying it deep where it can't ever be found. I don't ever want to feel this way again, or anymore. I can't explain it, the feeling. I feel everything all at once, like it's some kind of smothering by a collective teamwork of everything that makes it ache and my lungs short of breath. I mean everything, a thousand images going through my mind while simultaneously re-living and re-feeling hard fragments of the initial pierced moments. I'm really tired of not being able to breathe at times or needing to breathe more quick breaths for the matter. I've given too much of my heart and everything away having sent it out into the universe unknowingly. And by the time I realized it, it was -as always- too late to backtrack for safety and saving. As much as I try to 'survival tip #1' it like crazy, this is my one greatest problem that I can't ever seem to shake- this is what eats at me and ultimately is destroying me. And I don't know how to completely let everything bad that's ever happened or every regret go. I think this may be the true reason to my acting out episodes, I don't ever feel safe and I suppose I unconsciously desperately need to? I can't make sense of this bullshit. Yet either way, it's honestly becoming unbearable and all too uncomfortable to carry around day to day. I only seem to be able to sleep well when it's daylight, but life doesn't stop just because you do. I have serious trouble falling asleep at night. Thus, sleeping it away is not an option anymore no matter how much I wish it. I'm tired all the time, so drained. The only time I feel the least bit good is when I'm driving nonstop in my car, windows rolled down, marlboro -though I'm trying to cut down again- in left between my index and middle, and blasting feel good music. (of course dancing it out always helps, but you can't do that all the time- it's easier to use the torque from a car to get the same exhilarated physical momentum without having to do all the work) And I've found myself lately wasting more gas than I should, taking the long way home or aimlessly just driving without destination on long roads, just to be able to stay in drive that much longer. I don't want it, I can't have this.
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