I am completely in love with this song by Reeve Carney (from the band Carney) called Think Of You. Though it came out a while ago, I love it nonetheless.
This song, I bet, definitely plays a great part in my spirits being completely uplifted and back to the light; out of the dark place.
I don't think I have ever really explained my passion for music before. It's just when you get the right mixture of poetic lyrics along with the perfect notes in instrumental sound all intertwined together into a voice that is flawlessly timed and sublime, it's seriously transcending. I know I really do use that word all too much and I could use other words such as transforming, but there really is no other word to signify what the word transcendence completely and impeccably embodies.
It is difficult to explain myself to certain people and most of the time it is all too apparent just how different I am compared to others. Usually when I try to talk music or why my passions are the things I love that are able to rescue, people's eyes glaze over from the depth that I am trying to describe. My words and thoughts are often or become too deep. At least to the ones I have to be surrounded with (who really make me feel like I am certainly surrounded by idiots all of the time haha sorry I sound like such a snob, but I really hate that I have to dumb down my speech when I converse with others) at this crossroads in my life. And as we all know and might have learned (at least for us kindred spirits I hope), the majority of people are those unknowingly caught up in society's system of crap ideologies and when confronted only serve to reinforce notions for trying to fight with denial or ignorance. Therefore creating people who only want to deal with the neat surfaces of things rather than the scary and messy truth. (No one ever wants to hear the truth because they're all too chicken shit and face it, as much as we all try to defend ourselves, everyone's a hypocrite. And that's the truth.) Oh god but that's another story in its entirety that I'm sure I have touched on in some previous posts. Haha and there I go again rambling on and on. So enough for now and back to my initial purpose.
And I just wanted to share that. Here's him at it live!
I'm actually smiling now. The passions, even the littlest ones but just as significant, that bring you back to life (as you can see one thing created a chain reaction and seemed to have brought back the incendiary part of my spirit), are incredibly beautiful enablers. It makes me want to say, I don't know why anyone does drugs. Haha. Forgive my digressions haha, but you can tell that I am in a totally different and good mood than this I was this past weekend. Cheers lovers. (:
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Hmm..
It's probably from the new change in routine, as the new Spring quarter and last quarter (11 weeks) of my college life has begun, but I have been feeling better. I am quite exhausted most of the time from having to wake up at 7a.m. everyday (which personally I really don't mind for it makes me feel so productive which I love, I just hope my discipline doesn't falter, but I don't see how it can since I seem to actually really love and enjoy my classes; thus far for the first two days haha), the good thing about being absolutely exhausted all of the time is that there barely is any time for any other emotion, which if I don't say so myself is brilliant! But overall I have been feeling better. (So huzzah!) And I am really glad for it. I loathe my mental breakdowns and meltdowns that tend to happen from time to time from the pressures I put on myself, for I am my own worst critic, but I do love the relief that comes after the suffocation has gradually subsided. I hope you all are having a lovely day and doing well.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Save Me, Please
It seems to be back again and I couldn't hate it any more. I can only hope that me writing my feelings down will help to serve as an emotional catharsis and that I will eventually feel better, for "paper is more patient than man", even if this is in fact technically what I call virtual paper. I need my self preservation and resiliency back and to kick in full force for they seem to be seriously slacking off.
And despite my strong efforts for prevention to try and remain happy and in my own world, I feel like I am drowning, again.
And that I'm completely powerless to stop it.
As much as I hate to admit this, for the past couple of days I have been walking around in an aching daze where I just feel like crying. Usually I can try to keep these feelings at bay by running away as fast as I can without looking back (merely continuing to move forward), but I just can't seem to shake the strengths of my ever-present worries. It's as if the walls are closing in on me. I am gray, angry and frustrated all at the same time all the time. I feel like crying for anything and everything and I don't know why. I wish it would just go away. I don't know why the slightest mishap seems to trigger melancholy. I want to cry for the things I can't change and wish I could in my past and my present life. I want to cry from the things that are irrelevant to my life but make me sad either way. I want to cry for my feared future. I want to cry for the pain created by my unrelenting worries for my family. I want to cry for how so utterly alone I feel all the time. I want to cry for my vulnerable feeling of just wanting to feel safe. I want to cry for my desire to just be held. I want to cry for just wanting a tangible someone to be there for me. I hate that I want to be comforted. For me the pain feels almost unbearable, I say the world almost because it is what has to be endured seeing as bottled up emotions often tend to have no outlet. The pain begins from my center (being my heart naturally) and radiates outward in waves through my limbs to reach my fingertips and down to my toes.
I have woken up for the past two days completely hurting and no amount of self indulgence in my passions, that have enabled me happy for so long, have been able to take away the excruciating pain. Everything and anything seems to afflict me and rest its troubles on my burdened shoulders leaving me with an immensely saddening consciousness. I wish I didn't care so much about anything. I wish I didn't feel so much with my heart. My whole body hurts and even the comfort of crawling up into a ball on my bed doesn't seem to be helping any. I wish I was on some form of medication; anything to take my troubles away.
I never thought I'd ever say this but,
I really just want to give up; everything is becoming just too damn hard. I want to stop time. I just want everything to stop. What's the fucking point anymore?
But I can't because of the turmoil it would bring my parents. And if I stop then that would only fuck up my future aspirations even more. Great. Ambitions in life that only lead you to become even further trapped.
I do feel slightly better after my hot bath that I had just taken tonight. (Whenever I am feeling shitty I feel like a hot soak just helps) But the lingering effects of my gray emotions still have presence. I can only hope that this unbearable lonely sinking goes away soon because seriously, I could really do without it.
I want the warm and fuzzies and random smiles to just come back already.
And despite my strong efforts for prevention to try and remain happy and in my own world, I feel like I am drowning, again.
And that I'm completely powerless to stop it.
As much as I hate to admit this, for the past couple of days I have been walking around in an aching daze where I just feel like crying. Usually I can try to keep these feelings at bay by running away as fast as I can without looking back (merely continuing to move forward), but I just can't seem to shake the strengths of my ever-present worries. It's as if the walls are closing in on me. I am gray, angry and frustrated all at the same time all the time. I feel like crying for anything and everything and I don't know why. I wish it would just go away. I don't know why the slightest mishap seems to trigger melancholy. I want to cry for the things I can't change and wish I could in my past and my present life. I want to cry from the things that are irrelevant to my life but make me sad either way. I want to cry for my feared future. I want to cry for the pain created by my unrelenting worries for my family. I want to cry for how so utterly alone I feel all the time. I want to cry for my vulnerable feeling of just wanting to feel safe. I want to cry for my desire to just be held. I want to cry for just wanting a tangible someone to be there for me. I hate that I want to be comforted. For me the pain feels almost unbearable, I say the world almost because it is what has to be endured seeing as bottled up emotions often tend to have no outlet. The pain begins from my center (being my heart naturally) and radiates outward in waves through my limbs to reach my fingertips and down to my toes.
I have woken up for the past two days completely hurting and no amount of self indulgence in my passions, that have enabled me happy for so long, have been able to take away the excruciating pain. Everything and anything seems to afflict me and rest its troubles on my burdened shoulders leaving me with an immensely saddening consciousness. I wish I didn't care so much about anything. I wish I didn't feel so much with my heart. My whole body hurts and even the comfort of crawling up into a ball on my bed doesn't seem to be helping any. I wish I was on some form of medication; anything to take my troubles away.
I never thought I'd ever say this but,
I really just want to give up; everything is becoming just too damn hard. I want to stop time. I just want everything to stop. What's the fucking point anymore?
But I can't because of the turmoil it would bring my parents. And if I stop then that would only fuck up my future aspirations even more. Great. Ambitions in life that only lead you to become even further trapped.
I do feel slightly better after my hot bath that I had just taken tonight. (Whenever I am feeling shitty I feel like a hot soak just helps) But the lingering effects of my gray emotions still have presence. I can only hope that this unbearable lonely sinking goes away soon because seriously, I could really do without it.
I want the warm and fuzzies and random smiles to just come back already.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Long Overdue
You are so beautiful.
No lie.
I have seen you for almost a year now routinely and not so routinely.
I want to know y0u. I wish I knew you, but I don't have the courage.
It is just one of those passing things that really don't mean anything in contrast to the whole of one's life, where you see someone who you just wish you knew so badly and is incapable of pursing given the daily circumstance. Yet, one of those so little things that don't mean much in life but somehow are magically able to completely make the moments one lives in so worthwhile. Those things that you just coexist with and overlook. One of those things that just immediately brighten up your mood but it's just completely and blissfully intangible. That's what makes it that much more incandescent. For some unknown reason or another, I want to know you and I can't help it. Even if it is impossible.
You brighten up my day no matter what.
You put a smile on my face when I am in the worst mood.
I can't help but smile if I get the slightest chance of running into you.
I want to know you.
But I will continue to just admire you from a far day to day because I can.
There is no other way.
Maybe this is the perfection we are all searching for.
For those seconds that miraculously fill in the gaps and heal the unbearable realities the twisted universe creates for us.
You're beautiful.
And these little delights give way to major transcendence and beauty that aid in healing my soul.
You are so lovely.
And I just want to say, thank you.
The childish feeling I get whenever I incidentally run into you restores the unrelenting hope I still am unable to shake for mankind.
I wish I knew you, but it's really okay if I don't.
Aren't accidental instances that mean nothing but cause unexpected exhilaration so incredible?
It's those moments that seem to be able to stop time for just a second and reveal the true delicacy and artistry of the world. It is really utterly incredible in my opinion and it restores so much hope and faith in me for my continuance for the future.
I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the continuous Omega 3 fish oil supplements I have been taken to increase heart health (for I have been trying to get healthier for a while now with eating right and working out everyday), but I feel that I have finally found a way to break out of my sunken despair and am all too fortunately (thank god!) and increasingly too elated. I have continuously been quite content and really happy for quite some time now. (I know right? A big hurrah for me! Haha.)
Seriously, I find myself smiling out of no where all the time from too much satisfaction from content and self happiness. And all I can really pronounce is that man, life is just so good.
I hope you all find ways to feel to same. For it is such an irreplaceable and iridescent feeling that I would never give up for anything in the world.
It is almost unbelievable just how good a mood I have been in for the time being and have been able to maintain.
I absolutely love it!
I love the little things in life.
For from what I have learned from my 21 years, I now try to live in the moments.
Life is too short to not, because before you know it, it will have already passed you by if you were too preoccupied to actually live.
Cheers lovers. (:
No lie.
I have seen you for almost a year now routinely and not so routinely.
I want to know y0u. I wish I knew you, but I don't have the courage.
It is just one of those passing things that really don't mean anything in contrast to the whole of one's life, where you see someone who you just wish you knew so badly and is incapable of pursing given the daily circumstance. Yet, one of those so little things that don't mean much in life but somehow are magically able to completely make the moments one lives in so worthwhile. Those things that you just coexist with and overlook. One of those things that just immediately brighten up your mood but it's just completely and blissfully intangible. That's what makes it that much more incandescent. For some unknown reason or another, I want to know you and I can't help it. Even if it is impossible.
You brighten up my day no matter what.
You put a smile on my face when I am in the worst mood.
I can't help but smile if I get the slightest chance of running into you.
I want to know you.
But I will continue to just admire you from a far day to day because I can.
There is no other way.
Maybe this is the perfection we are all searching for.
For those seconds that miraculously fill in the gaps and heal the unbearable realities the twisted universe creates for us.
You're beautiful.
And these little delights give way to major transcendence and beauty that aid in healing my soul.
You are so lovely.
And I just want to say, thank you.
The childish feeling I get whenever I incidentally run into you restores the unrelenting hope I still am unable to shake for mankind.
I wish I knew you, but it's really okay if I don't.
Aren't accidental instances that mean nothing but cause unexpected exhilaration so incredible?
It's those moments that seem to be able to stop time for just a second and reveal the true delicacy and artistry of the world. It is really utterly incredible in my opinion and it restores so much hope and faith in me for my continuance for the future.
I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the continuous Omega 3 fish oil supplements I have been taken to increase heart health (for I have been trying to get healthier for a while now with eating right and working out everyday), but I feel that I have finally found a way to break out of my sunken despair and am all too fortunately (thank god!) and increasingly too elated. I have continuously been quite content and really happy for quite some time now. (I know right? A big hurrah for me! Haha.)
Seriously, I find myself smiling out of no where all the time from too much satisfaction from content and self happiness. And all I can really pronounce is that man, life is just so good.
I hope you all find ways to feel to same. For it is such an irreplaceable and iridescent feeling that I would never give up for anything in the world.
It is almost unbelievable just how good a mood I have been in for the time being and have been able to maintain.
I absolutely love it!
I love the little things in life.
For from what I have learned from my 21 years, I now try to live in the moments.
Life is too short to not, because before you know it, it will have already passed you by if you were too preoccupied to actually live.
Cheers lovers. (:
Monday, March 15, 2010
I Hate Mondays
Seriously, today.
What a completely shitty day for me. (It's how the universe restores balance in the world. With the blissful moments comes the shittiness for counteraction.)
Right from the moment of waking up to all the motions needed to be performed throughout the day. Don't you just fucking hate when that happens? You can tell how awful I feel from my bitter expressions. To be such a positive person, it definitely blows to feel so moody and angry.
I am in such a fucking bad mood right now that I hate it. I just want to scream or fucking take out all my anger and frustration with massive punches and kicks on a fucking punching bag until I am completely exhausted. And when I am so immensely frustrated with fury, it makes me fucking tear up because I am just so bottled up. So I want to do all of that.
Thank god for Marlboros.
I need this day to just be fucking over so tomorrow I can just start a new and better one.
I just thought I'd share that. The good thing is that my frustrations never linger for long (couple of hours max) and then I'm over it. So I just have to wait for the mood to lift.
I fucking hate bad days. They make me just want to sulk.
What a completely shitty day for me. (It's how the universe restores balance in the world. With the blissful moments comes the shittiness for counteraction.)
Right from the moment of waking up to all the motions needed to be performed throughout the day. Don't you just fucking hate when that happens? You can tell how awful I feel from my bitter expressions. To be such a positive person, it definitely blows to feel so moody and angry.
I am in such a fucking bad mood right now that I hate it. I just want to scream or fucking take out all my anger and frustration with massive punches and kicks on a fucking punching bag until I am completely exhausted. And when I am so immensely frustrated with fury, it makes me fucking tear up because I am just so bottled up. So I want to do all of that.
Thank god for Marlboros.
I need this day to just be fucking over so tomorrow I can just start a new and better one.
I just thought I'd share that. The good thing is that my frustrations never linger for long (couple of hours max) and then I'm over it. So I just have to wait for the mood to lift.
I fucking hate bad days. They make me just want to sulk.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Real Love; These Things Last Forever
Though most times I may feel hopeless, there are things that are able to make it all better to bring me out of the rut. And I just wanted to share a hidden passion for certain things that I just truly love that entirely fill me with an enchanting and, albeit I know I use this word or form of this word all too often, transcending feeling.
For some reason or another, I absolutely love things set in a different period or era. I absolutely love love love: classical music (piano is my favorite or string mixed symphonies), jazz/blues (ie; Etta James, Billie Holiday, Otis Redding, Louis Armstrong type of rhythm and blues), period books and films or basically anything set in another era than this one we live in (preferably from the 1800s-1960s UK:England or US:New England: 1900s-1960s). I think that's what I really wish for to be when I spoke about the world in my mind I desire to be transported to in the entry Transcendence. I don't know what it is about that life that just attracts me so. I think it's the slower simplicity and the heightened subtlety that radiates the propriety and composure that I wish everyone had. I just love it and I can't help it.
We live in a world, especially me being in America (California to be exact; the most superficial state by far), that is filled with such vulgarity and lack of etiquette as well as common courtesy that sometimes I really cannot stand it. My goal for when I "grow up", I realize I am 21 and "grown up", but I mean completely financially stable and successful and all that aspiring goodness, is to really end up in England. I don't know what it is, maybe I've been brainwashed one too many times by everything (Which as you can see I most clearly am because I do realize that times have changed and I may know nothing or the real ideological systems there.), but the romanticist in me just wishes for I guess any part of that beauty that once was. I am just so fascinated with that sort of culture; I guess it's because I can't even begin to relate or touch it given my Chinese heritage.
But as for the purpose of this entry, I just wanted to archive and share the things that I just simply love that I know most of my peers would not even begin to relate or understand and therefore would actually see as completely strange (Because let's face it, kids these days in America are completely brainwashed by society's ideologies that they are so narrow-minded and in the system that they know no other way to be and aren't even able to become aware of it) These things are what keep me going and my spirits high in hope when I have clearly and willingly given up on mankind for now.
In my opinion, for right now in this disastrous world, wouldn't it better to just indulge in fantasies and dreams (mind you completely acknowledging the fact that they are dreams and fantasies not to be blurred with reality) so that you can be happy or stay happy in some way that serves as a prevention from constant jests and wounds from the progressing viciousness and degradation of humankind? (Honestly, sometimes I think about what has happened to the world today and it is just heartbreaking.) At least I would rather prefer that for now. This way I have a place in my own world that I can go to that saves me from not only the horrible outside cruel world, but also from my destructive self when nothing else can. What could be more perfect than getting lost in books, films, and music? I wish that all of you have something that lifts you up to feel hopeful when you have begun to sink because I know that I am so glad that I do. Everyone needs something like that don't they?
For some reason or another, I absolutely love things set in a different period or era. I absolutely love love love: classical music (piano is my favorite or string mixed symphonies), jazz/blues (ie; Etta James, Billie Holiday, Otis Redding, Louis Armstrong type of rhythm and blues), period books and films or basically anything set in another era than this one we live in (preferably from the 1800s-1960s UK:England or US:New England: 1900s-1960s). I think that's what I really wish for to be when I spoke about the world in my mind I desire to be transported to in the entry Transcendence. I don't know what it is about that life that just attracts me so. I think it's the slower simplicity and the heightened subtlety that radiates the propriety and composure that I wish everyone had. I just love it and I can't help it.
We live in a world, especially me being in America (California to be exact; the most superficial state by far), that is filled with such vulgarity and lack of etiquette as well as common courtesy that sometimes I really cannot stand it. My goal for when I "grow up", I realize I am 21 and "grown up", but I mean completely financially stable and successful and all that aspiring goodness, is to really end up in England. I don't know what it is, maybe I've been brainwashed one too many times by everything (Which as you can see I most clearly am because I do realize that times have changed and I may know nothing or the real ideological systems there.), but the romanticist in me just wishes for I guess any part of that beauty that once was. I am just so fascinated with that sort of culture; I guess it's because I can't even begin to relate or touch it given my Chinese heritage.
But as for the purpose of this entry, I just wanted to archive and share the things that I just simply love that I know most of my peers would not even begin to relate or understand and therefore would actually see as completely strange (Because let's face it, kids these days in America are completely brainwashed by society's ideologies that they are so narrow-minded and in the system that they know no other way to be and aren't even able to become aware of it) These things are what keep me going and my spirits high in hope when I have clearly and willingly given up on mankind for now.
In my opinion, for right now in this disastrous world, wouldn't it better to just indulge in fantasies and dreams (mind you completely acknowledging the fact that they are dreams and fantasies not to be blurred with reality) so that you can be happy or stay happy in some way that serves as a prevention from constant jests and wounds from the progressing viciousness and degradation of humankind? (Honestly, sometimes I think about what has happened to the world today and it is just heartbreaking.) At least I would rather prefer that for now. This way I have a place in my own world that I can go to that saves me from not only the horrible outside cruel world, but also from my destructive self when nothing else can. What could be more perfect than getting lost in books, films, and music? I wish that all of you have something that lifts you up to feel hopeful when you have begun to sink because I know that I am so glad that I do. Everyone needs something like that don't they?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Elevation For The Soul
Today I took yet another mental health day. (The important class was canceled today due to campus protests so I don't feel too bad about truancy for I have been attended classes all too regularly. And I am quite proud of myself at that.) Don't you just love those? They are of especial significance to the uplifting hopefulness of my mind and soul and quite imperative to my entire being. Today is such a beautiful day as I opened my window to let in the slightly warm breeze (though weather still cold which I love) that contains the fresh dry scent (not damp grass which I hate) in the air I love so much that is reminiscent of the true world that occasionally reveals itself leaving me with a replenished supply of incandescent hope to last me for the time being. Today is such a great day. I can't stress that enough. And tonight is another night of party which I am more than looking forward to. Really though I really should let my liver and kidneys rest (I swear everyone I know is convinced that I am an alcoholic with reasons I cannot possibly fathom. Haha or can I?), but then again at the ripe age of 21, I have plenty of time to rest after my matriculation from university. I hope you all are having as wonderful a day as I and hope you all feel as good and as elated with beautiful hope and faith (more inner spiritual than religious for I am Buddhist but lacking in practice) as I do. I wish you all the best. Thus with an entirely irreplaceable light smirk, cheers lovers.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Unbelievable Part Deux
I am almost at a real loss from words and the numbness is beginning to settle all over me. And then I'm over it. (Really, if it wasn't for my ability to be so resilient and really discard things from my mind after full process of evaluation and ultimate resolution. I'm so grateful for my own ability to try to see the brighter side of things and remain positive. I would be even a greater mess without it. Great recovery skills at that haha.)
Everyone wonders why I keep my life so private from them. They wonder why I don't seem to share my personal life and sentiments with them.
It's because every time I do, my exact fears become even more prominent and are proven true. (I have major major abandonment issues, of which I am not proud of but they do stem from deep rooted issues from childhood so you can't fault me there.)
Disappointment soon follows with hurt from being the one to overestimate the valued importance of a friendship. Being at the wrong end of any relationship sucks.
This is why I keep myself so closed off. This is why I would rather be by myself because if you're by yourself to begin with then you don't face any false hopes or expectations that can later sting you with a disappointing follow through that can either make you or break you. (In my case, break you to start the re-ascending back into the dark place. My dark place.)
And I was right to.
You know the couple posts that I wrote in tribute to my great friend that I had? The friend that I put my trust in because I thought that she would never treat me the way other people have? My blog has become of great importance to me because it's the one space where I can think freely with the braveness anonymity through pseudonym gives me without having to fear judgment because the people in my life are not privy to these dark thoughts. And I chose to write about her a couple times in gratitude for helping me with my fragile and unstable state of mind such as in the entries Uplifted Gratitude and Irate Fury Extinguishing And Post Thought Semiotics. For me to reach out like this as to include her in the archiving of my emotional life is a very big feat for me. And to be honest, after the series of events that have happened after such a sort period of time of a weekend I will have to admit that this is the same friend of whom I chose to rant about in Unbelievable.
Where do I even begin? I don't even know what happened. I don't even know where to begin. My emotions are just a big circulating cloud filled with at first hurt, then to be succeeded by trying patience, then finishing with frustrating anger and then ultimately happy and consensual filtering out after realizing the degradation from treatment of the other and the brutally and truthful revealing fact that I don't need this at all. (Mind you this is all with an air of confusion thrown into every corner but ultimately coming to a cathartic conclusion.)
But I can tell you, for me, there is a certain point where I stop trying. I really do hate how I can never just NOT be the bigger person. It's rooted in my blood from my mother for I know how good-hearted she is and thus with a good heart follows life long vulnerability that results in perpetual pain.
I have tried all that I could have in this friendship. I have given my all. I am the kind of person that believes in trying to make something work until it absolutely cannot anymore. And when it can't I absolutely cut all ties to move forward and start a new. (I don't like going backwards or going in any motion resembling the past remember?)
This weekend I swallowed my pride and humiliated myself by stooping so low as to maniacally try to reach contact that would resemble stalker status. (Trust me, not one of my finer moments. But with a passionate personality in terms of importance in life, I hope it's understandable and forgiven) I guess I haven't completely lost my will for upright and immediate confrontation to solve a problem. Fight or flight right? I would rather solve something immediately so that I can put it out of my mind because I hate having things in the back of my mind. But doesn't anyone?
Now that I have had time to process everything. I can honestly say, I am okay now. Actually more than okay and I am never going to put myself in that situation ever again. I don't ever want to be subject to that impossible and immature drama ever again. I don't need it in my life. I have lived too hard to become the person I am today with my own standards in decorum to resort to having to deal with anything I initially would never have dealt with had it not been for a friend of significance. (that's my problem, I'm too empathetic and thus a push over and it needs to stop. Believe me I'm trying, but it's harder than it seems.) So I am done with it. I've been told that I need to value myself more and to know what I'm worth. And it's true. I need to value myself and understand that I shouldn't be treated that way with such disrespect after really trying. Really, I have said it time and time again, how can people knowingly be so cruel with no moral conscience or guilt to try to guide them? Shouldn't a person receive some compassion toward their good intentions? Yeah, but the fucked up world doesn't see it as so. The world fucks you, and then when it's done, it fucks you all over again.
I am not saying she's a terrible person or a bad friend at all. As I have once stated, she was actually one of the best friends I have ever had. But what I am saying is that people should not treat people cruelly the way that they do. It's just not right. It's morally not right to treat some one badly whether it be out of passive aggression just because you feel like you've been wronged or for any other reason. It's not right to behave like that. I look at certain people and I think, what kind of person are you to behave in such a way and how can people really be like that? Maybe I believe too much in common courtesy, etiquette and mutual respect between people. (I probably do, no, I do.) The world shouldn't be like that and we're old enough to be able to know and understand concepts and notions. That's the thing, We're old enough to know. Things should be looked at at different angles rather than just one. Hence my loathing for my environment, but that's a different story neither here nor there.
And thus,
I am over trying. I've given all that I could have and I've nothing left to give. All to try to salvage a very important friendship, at least in my opinion, that I cherished. I've lost my dignity in the process of the weekend. But now I'm taking it back. I did want to still be the bigger person and try, but I am thus making myself pathetic in the process and I won't do it anymore. (God I really do feel pathetic after reflecting over my behaviour, but not anymore now that I am coming back to myself) So I'm done with this. There is only so much patience a person can have and only so much a person can try and give. So I'm walking away.
The thing is, I'll most definitely without a doubt be okay, but will you?
It's such a shame for the loss of something great, but you keep moving forward.
I feel much better and that a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Amazing thing the process of "cleaning out," whether it be figuratively or literally, can do to a person to make them feel new again. Haha I know, I'm full on twisted right? People hate how I can never go backwards, but personally, I love it. It makes me feel brand new and fresh again to be ready for new possibility and opportunity. And tomorrow I know I will wake up lighthearted and start a new day. Cheers lovers, hope everyone is having a fantastic day.
Everyone wonders why I keep my life so private from them. They wonder why I don't seem to share my personal life and sentiments with them.
It's because every time I do, my exact fears become even more prominent and are proven true. (I have major major abandonment issues, of which I am not proud of but they do stem from deep rooted issues from childhood so you can't fault me there.)
Disappointment soon follows with hurt from being the one to overestimate the valued importance of a friendship. Being at the wrong end of any relationship sucks.
This is why I keep myself so closed off. This is why I would rather be by myself because if you're by yourself to begin with then you don't face any false hopes or expectations that can later sting you with a disappointing follow through that can either make you or break you. (In my case, break you to start the re-ascending back into the dark place. My dark place.)
And I was right to.
You know the couple posts that I wrote in tribute to my great friend that I had? The friend that I put my trust in because I thought that she would never treat me the way other people have? My blog has become of great importance to me because it's the one space where I can think freely with the braveness anonymity through pseudonym gives me without having to fear judgment because the people in my life are not privy to these dark thoughts. And I chose to write about her a couple times in gratitude for helping me with my fragile and unstable state of mind such as in the entries Uplifted Gratitude and Irate Fury Extinguishing And Post Thought Semiotics. For me to reach out like this as to include her in the archiving of my emotional life is a very big feat for me. And to be honest, after the series of events that have happened after such a sort period of time of a weekend I will have to admit that this is the same friend of whom I chose to rant about in Unbelievable.
Where do I even begin? I don't even know what happened. I don't even know where to begin. My emotions are just a big circulating cloud filled with at first hurt, then to be succeeded by trying patience, then finishing with frustrating anger and then ultimately happy and consensual filtering out after realizing the degradation from treatment of the other and the brutally and truthful revealing fact that I don't need this at all. (Mind you this is all with an air of confusion thrown into every corner but ultimately coming to a cathartic conclusion.)
But I can tell you, for me, there is a certain point where I stop trying. I really do hate how I can never just NOT be the bigger person. It's rooted in my blood from my mother for I know how good-hearted she is and thus with a good heart follows life long vulnerability that results in perpetual pain.
I have tried all that I could have in this friendship. I have given my all. I am the kind of person that believes in trying to make something work until it absolutely cannot anymore. And when it can't I absolutely cut all ties to move forward and start a new. (I don't like going backwards or going in any motion resembling the past remember?)
This weekend I swallowed my pride and humiliated myself by stooping so low as to maniacally try to reach contact that would resemble stalker status. (Trust me, not one of my finer moments. But with a passionate personality in terms of importance in life, I hope it's understandable and forgiven) I guess I haven't completely lost my will for upright and immediate confrontation to solve a problem. Fight or flight right? I would rather solve something immediately so that I can put it out of my mind because I hate having things in the back of my mind. But doesn't anyone?
Now that I have had time to process everything. I can honestly say, I am okay now. Actually more than okay and I am never going to put myself in that situation ever again. I don't ever want to be subject to that impossible and immature drama ever again. I don't need it in my life. I have lived too hard to become the person I am today with my own standards in decorum to resort to having to deal with anything I initially would never have dealt with had it not been for a friend of significance. (that's my problem, I'm too empathetic and thus a push over and it needs to stop. Believe me I'm trying, but it's harder than it seems.) So I am done with it. I've been told that I need to value myself more and to know what I'm worth. And it's true. I need to value myself and understand that I shouldn't be treated that way with such disrespect after really trying. Really, I have said it time and time again, how can people knowingly be so cruel with no moral conscience or guilt to try to guide them? Shouldn't a person receive some compassion toward their good intentions? Yeah, but the fucked up world doesn't see it as so. The world fucks you, and then when it's done, it fucks you all over again.
I am not saying she's a terrible person or a bad friend at all. As I have once stated, she was actually one of the best friends I have ever had. But what I am saying is that people should not treat people cruelly the way that they do. It's just not right. It's morally not right to treat some one badly whether it be out of passive aggression just because you feel like you've been wronged or for any other reason. It's not right to behave like that. I look at certain people and I think, what kind of person are you to behave in such a way and how can people really be like that? Maybe I believe too much in common courtesy, etiquette and mutual respect between people. (I probably do, no, I do.) The world shouldn't be like that and we're old enough to be able to know and understand concepts and notions. That's the thing, We're old enough to know. Things should be looked at at different angles rather than just one. Hence my loathing for my environment, but that's a different story neither here nor there.
And thus,
I am over trying. I've given all that I could have and I've nothing left to give. All to try to salvage a very important friendship, at least in my opinion, that I cherished. I've lost my dignity in the process of the weekend. But now I'm taking it back. I did want to still be the bigger person and try, but I am thus making myself pathetic in the process and I won't do it anymore. (God I really do feel pathetic after reflecting over my behaviour, but not anymore now that I am coming back to myself) So I'm done with this. There is only so much patience a person can have and only so much a person can try and give. So I'm walking away.
The thing is, I'll most definitely without a doubt be okay, but will you?
It's such a shame for the loss of something great, but you keep moving forward.
I feel much better and that a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Amazing thing the process of "cleaning out," whether it be figuratively or literally, can do to a person to make them feel new again. Haha I know, I'm full on twisted right? People hate how I can never go backwards, but personally, I love it. It makes me feel brand new and fresh again to be ready for new possibility and opportunity. And tomorrow I know I will wake up lighthearted and start a new day. Cheers lovers, hope everyone is having a fantastic day.
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