Out

Yep, I got myself out of bed today. Feeling fine, I think the sunshine helps. And yet, I just really want to go home and get back into bed. I really just want to lay and submerge myself into a bubble of music. My entire body hurts. Who knew something psychological and mindly mental-emotional could transfer into physical correspondence? No idea how that's possible. But it's been so for the longest time. Ugh I haven't even been to the gym in 3 weeks, When I'm used to going almost every day. That's probably it too, the decrease in endorphins and the whole medication stop thing. Amazing just how quickly the body responds; amazing just how sensitive my body is. Maybe I just really need to really, really, dance it out.


I'm getting really sick and tired of myself. I don't know how to get out.


Part of me feels nothing. The other part feels everything.

Part of me feels like I can do it- go through the motions. The other part just wants it all to end. And the whole time I'm freaking out over everything I do because I know this huge setback is hindering my future career ambitions. And god knows what my parents must think of my apparent 'laziness'. Failure, just failure all around. Even my writing is so completely un-inspirational. It's all crap. How can any of this be remotely interesting? I assure you, it's not. It's bland.

Maybe I should've been an actress, 'cause I can pretend and lie so damn well. So damn well that no one knows what is going on. I think I've perfected the art of lying. I've become such a huge goddamnn liar. In everything I do, I'm a big fat phony.

I can't understand how or why people would be interested in this.- me. A shell of a person. Half of me so completely dead inside. Don't they know? Nothing good can come from me, and yet they all still flock. It's unfathomable. Nobody should want anything to do with me, I'm no good for them. It's a huge battle with myself. The multi-facets against each other, fighting to win out over one another. The negatives and the positives constantly fighting to the death to be on top, to be the one emotion that physically shows through my body. They'll kill each other, even if only to appear for a moment. Fucking inconsistency man.

Yeah, I know. I need to call my health provider to seek out a psychologist and psychiatrist. Did you know the difference between the two is, a psychologist counsels, while a psychiatrist just prescribes the drugs. Both of which I need desperately. This cycle's really getting to me. The cynical-rational part of me is annoyed as hell, while the deprived-hurt side is painstakingly oozing damage. I'm tired of hearing myself, tired of listening to myself; tired of myself. I want it all to stop.