Sometimes, I feel like I really am just being dramatic and making a whole big deal out of nothing about my 'situation'- whatever it is. Because let's face it, truth- I am a pretty lucky and too fortunate girl. Should why should I even be like this at all? Why should my mind be constantly filled? I haven't earned the right to feel this horribly because there are worse circumstances that have happened to others.

And sometimes, when I feel good like I do now, I feel as if nothing is really wrong with me after all. That maybe I really am normal and everything is all just in my head.

That's it thought isn't it?- 'all in my head.' And it's taken me a long time to get to this point of realization and acceptance.

If nothing were wrong, it wouldn't be in my head at all. I wouldn't be wanting and trying to be someone who I'm not. I wouldn't be lying to everyone through lying to myself, constantly seeking for any sort of approval, trying to impress, and be craving to be well-liked (well thank god not anymore, but before I did). My mind wouldn't be playing tricks on me and over-indulging in these delusional and obsessive fantasies. Yeah, I hate to say it, but I become obsessed with things. It's true, and I'm finally just accepting it everything I've been not wanting to realize about myself. But you could probably tell already even if I never could. It all is just what it is and has been.

I wouldn't be so prone to high and lows just based on mere petty expectations and outcomes. I wouldn't be relying all of my ability to be 'happy' on the thought that if something goes perfectly right, then everything will be alright. I wouldn't feel like everything is a goddamn ultimatum or bargain for the positivity in my life.

Yet, despite all that, I really do feel as if nothing is wrong with me at times.

But when I happen to be low, when the sunshine diminishes in my mind, that's where the problems arise. That's what reminds me that whatever is going on inside my head, inside me, isn't right. That's when I know, that something's wrong. And this has been going on for way too long to ignore altogether. I have all these images in my head that flash by, as back as I can remember, and it's awful that it's been going on since then. But I still can't help but feel silly and stupid. It isn't like I want to be dramatic nor make a big deal out of things, I don't try, whatever comes out of me just happens to come out the way it does.

But I'll feel whatever it is I feel and it'll be whatever it will be.