I Get It

It wasn't that you didn't want anyone. You just didn't want me. So over this, I need to drop you like a bad habit and stop going back on my word, constantly changing my mind. There's no hope and I need to drill that into my brain. My heart is fucking everything up. I keep trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you and why am I so stuck? I'm not full of myself, but I'm pretty fucking awesome, everyone sees that, but you don't see. And everyone we know, our bunch of mutual friends, tells me what a sketchy person you are, which is why you say you have no friends. But it's like I refuse to believe or accept the reality of it all, everything in front of my face that points to what a shady guy you are. But I still wanted you. Why am I stuck? Do I really like you or is it just my inner nurturer and want to help black sheep coming through? Was it because of the sex? How can someone like me want you? Is it just because I can't have you? But it all doesn't matter anyway.

Love Of Mine

One of my all time favorite songs.

Tension

I've come to realize that I don't handle tensioned situations well. Every time something gets too high strung or the air becomes filled with too much tension, I freak out.I freak out become my body picks up on energy levels and vibes, my empathy ratings go through the roof. The tension gets to great and then I become more than just flustered. I get flustered easily, a little it okay, but when there is a ton of impact in a room, that's too much. My body goes into a fight or flight mode and then I just react horribly with the sole internal intention of protecting myself. Some kind of major self-preservation metaphorical firmware storage I have. My body begins to feel completely attacked and I can't handle it. Triggers begin to form left and right. And therefore, I counter with some sort of heightened reaction to internally combat and maintain control the energy frequency of my own cells. But it all just transmits so badly to outside observers.

But it's just me. I can't deal with with tension filled ambiances pertaining to me, so I end up overreacting just to prevent the walls from further suffocating me. But this is just who I am. I've come to accept all of my flaws, physical and psyche related. I believe in constantly evolving, but I've come to accept the things I cannot change. Because there are certain things that are so deeply rooted in our DNA make up, so completely preexisting even before birth, that you will never be able to change. So rather than live in denial, you've got to accept them, or they will destroy you completely.

Leveling Out

They need to make an antidepressant that doesn't make you gain weight. Preferably a good SSRI. I've lost all the weight I gained on the bupropion and amitriptyline since I've been off meds. Without even trying, the weight just slowly slipped back off. Which is good, but I need something, I need to find the right something for me, I can't keep staying in a controlled limbo.

Inside Inside

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside. I turned off my phone last night- trying to use physical evasive tactics to prolong the inevitable wrath of uncontrollable and sensitive stupidity. I just want to hide from the world. And I can't seem to give it up. Every time I think I'm good and done with it, I pick up the blade again. I need some relief, it's not enough anymore. It's not so much as severe anymore like the high 8's and 9's I used to get daily where I couldn't get out of bed, but now it's always just a simmering numb sting- always present underneath my skin, letting me know that it's still there and will never really be gone no matter how much progress I've made to lift myself out. The risk of major relapse forever exists and it'll never disappear. Now it's just something I've come to accept. But I don't care anymore, I need to not care furthermore about everything in general. If only I could stop being so goddamn emotional and cease the reaching out chain reaction action.
And I can't even fall asleep because my body and mind won't let me. I need this moment to pass already. Up and downs, they never end, it's a nonstop cycle, though I wish it weren't. I wish I could be normal and not psychotic and not do instinctive stupid shit, all the damn time just to purposely ruin everything. The only thing I can commit to is ruining everything and making messes with vigor. I need to just be a different person and not me anymore. I want to get out of my own head and body. I'm trapped. But at least I'm slightly numb, even if there is the constant waiting simmering, I just need to become entirely numb. I'm waiting for the residual sting of it all to completely die off and pass so I may become entirely numb. It's coming along slowly but surely, Rome wasn't built in a day. It's harder to take steps forward than it is to take steps back. But I don't know if it can actually really happen given the fact that I feel to much for life. How can I reach my goal of becoming completely heartless when everything my body represents is real and heart? I don't want to feel anymore, I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Only, Over My Dead Body

This

At this point, I find it impossible for anyone I meet and become involved with to ever do this or think my scars as beautiful. But I think this is what is most important to me, when it comes to love. It takes a lot to reveal everything and be open about your life history with another, every time I've done so thus far, I've gotten hurt and it backfired. Making me regret ever sharing my story, making me want to cover up and hide further more. This picture makes me want to cry, but in a good way. This is what I want most out of life. Everyone is always so afraid of them, so afraid period. You want to impress me? One word: bravery. Show me you're made of something tougher, 'cause I'm not sure I have it in me to do it all by myself anymore.

Ugh, I hate myself. Can't keep doing this.

I feel like I'm one strand away from completely crumbling again. My entire body is screaming at me to detach. It's all such bullshit.

Stir, Stir

I'm scared. Right now I'm okay, it hits me more so now and again, but overall, I'm okay. Yet, I know that it's just stirring underneath, sleeping, waiting for the right moment to come and and shatter my life again, make me not want to, unable to, get out of bed again. I can only hope for the best.

New News

Been super busy lately which is AWESOME. I'm so busy that it doesn't give me time to be the horrible depressed wretch and 'simp' that I completely am. I've always loved being busy, even if it does take a lot of energy out of me. But that's never bad either because then I can fall asleep easier seeing as usually I can never fall asleep. As I am thrown suddenly into a new city (LA), rather than my 30 miles from LA, being in a new environment is definitely helping me to jump start and heal quicker. Which is good and which I need; I thrive on change and new environments. I needed to just get away from my past and begin a new life. I love it.

Step 1: New job- CHECK
Step 2: Get out of this fucking city- HALF CHECK

I don't know how to let myself be close to someone. I'm so used to only bad things happening to me and bad luck, and bad timing, that something feels wrong if nothing is wrong. It scares the shit out of me because I'm always afraid that happiness will get taken away from me, because it always does. In my case, nothing lasts. And I start freaking out 'cause I don't know what to do. So I always end up purposely fucking everything up, ruining things and making messes- disasters, just to have a reason to push them away and gain automatic distance. So I won't feel as bad when they do finally realize how horrible I am and do end up hating me, I suppose.

Didn't

I didn't cut tonight, when I've done so almost every day of the week, almost every week. So I guess that is done sort of progress.

More

I look at my mother. And I wish I could just give her so much more. I don't know how she does it, day after day. I wish I could just take away all her pain and loneliness she ignores. I wish I could supply her with an endless amount of joy and happiness, as well as my dad. Are these the lives we are inevitably bound to lead and live? Everything hurts so much. They deserve so much more than this mediocre lonely and loveless life. I wish I really could just put them in my pocket and keep them from any harm and hurt whatsoever for all the days of their lives. I don't know how they do it every day. The loneliness already kills me, it's unbearable.

All Time Fav

I remember watching this in the 90's. Fucking love it and probably will always love it. Got all seasons on my hard drive. <3

March 1st

It's self injury awareness day. Hence, both of my blogs being completely orange today. I don't have any orange clothes though though. But the nail polish on my toes is a reddish orange kind of sunburst color, if that counts. They couldn't have picked a better color for self injury awareness? Makes no sense at all, but have at it.

Side note**
Did you know consuming bananas has a sort of same effect as Prozac? Because they contain a natural chemical, which is found in Prozac. Cool huh.

Scream

I fucking hate this. It's like my body was asleep, but my brain and consciousness was wide awake. Wtf? The worst when the only mind relief turns on you. I feel like fucking screaming. I just want to sleep, and that fucking just became uselessly defective. I feel like a fucking broken machine.