My favorite song from her. It's from her first album. Damn, she's amazing. The such in depth lyrics and sounds she comes up with, everything, the multiple and striking beats, her play with sound combinations while mixing them with words. It's her piano, different sounds from a plethora of instruments, the way she creates these effects of motioning tempos of which rise and fall, sometimes simultaneously, and how she manages to just make it all work. Goddamn. And the sound of her voice and how she uses it intensely and extensively, softly or roughly, producing an effect of almost a story within a story. It's like she's acting out an extraordinary theatrical scene that you can picture in your mind, hoping that you will feel something so out of this world different from her unlimited flow of story and possibility. Of course she has more easy listening songs too, and don't get me wrong- those are so great too and of course always have her own twist that embodies her own style, but I especially love her more dramatic and dark toned songs. They're so moving; I love it. She makes me wish I should've been born of Russian descent.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
More Favorites
Lol ugh, there's too many! Couldn't find a video for 'The Smoking Pose' though ): sad face. I absolutely just love everything from them. Hence them being one of my favorite bands of all time haha. <3
Seriously, I don't think I would be as much physically and mentally here, existing, if it weren't for a huge part of music passion and love.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Family Bitch Business
In all of your eyes I will always be the same stubborn young teenager. You guys don't realize that people change constantly, especially someone as inconsistent as I. You unconsciously don't give an inch to understand that people evolve in more ways than one. And you guys will always hold the naive and ignorant past against me, never leaving room for improvement or growth, never trying to even want to get to know and understand the whys of the real me, the reasons behind the reasons- my passions (what is it about backwards Asian culture that refuse to advance into more forward thinking? it's such crap), and never realizing that your actions play too g
You don't seem to apply the understanding that everyone is different from each other, especially someone like me who is never the same person twice. I make known time and time again that I am fully and completely flawed, and still you manage to completely accept your absurd and continuous judgment of me being someone who is the complete opposite of who I am. What the fuck ever made you think that I thought I knew everything? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm a kid and don't you think I know that? Don't you think that I know how much I need to learn from the world and just how much I don't know from lack of certain experiences? Don't you remember how you felt at my age with everyone else's criticisms and judgments held against you? When do you hit that stop sign and suddenly forget and lose all that perspective and harsh experience? Yet, you always keep me at the same place in your eyes, never seeing someone who is different at every moment in her life, never seeing how far I have mentally and emotionally developed and how far I've progressed in perspective in life.
Why don't people ever stop to really think for themselves? Why don't people every want to really break things down as to try and understand everything that manages to slip through and fuck shit up? Why don't people ever take a step back to reassess their own lives and who they are?
I'll tell you why, it's because people are too chicken shit to find out the truth.
I'm not only always the outcasted black thinking sheep in society, but also forever a too forward angle looking alien in my own way conservative and traditional thinking family. The way I think and the way I am are too different from that population in society. Where are my kindred spirits who understand? I know you're out there, we're just all too far from one another for comfort.
I want out of this family.
You don't seem to apply the understanding that everyone is different from each other, especially someone like me who is never the same person twice. I make known time and time again that I am fully and completely flawed, and still you manage to completely accept your absurd and continuous judgment of me being someone who is the complete opposite of who I am. What the fuck ever made you think that I thought I knew everything? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm a kid and don't you think I know that? Don't you think that I know how much I need to learn from the world and just how much I don't know from lack of certain experiences? Don't you remember how you felt at my age with everyone else's criticisms and judgments held against you? When do you hit that stop sign and suddenly forget and lose all that perspective and harsh experience? Yet, you always keep me at the same place in your eyes, never seeing someone who is different at every moment in her life, never seeing how far I have mentally and emotionally developed and how far I've progressed in perspective in life.
Why don't people ever stop to really think for themselves? Why don't people every want to really break things down as to try and understand everything that manages to slip through and fuck shit up? Why don't people ever take a step back to reassess their own lives and who they are?
I'll tell you why, it's because people are too chicken shit to find out the truth.
I'm not only always the outcasted black thinking sheep in society, but also forever a too forward angle looking alien in my own way conservative and traditional thinking family. The way I think and the way I am are too different from that population in society. Where are my kindred spirits who understand? I know you're out there, we're just all too far from one another for comfort.
I want out of this family.
Monday, May 23, 2011
i can't climb out.
9:12pm
alright calm yourself. self-preservation is doing work. thank you. and you can't check out and die because that would hurt your parents even more. and god knows you really don't want that. fuck, there's no way out. so the only thing you can do is wait in silence and numb yourself. until hopefully one day you can manage to breathe easier again, just remember to keep breathing. i can't imagine why any of you would want to read all this crazy crap i spill out. surely all this emotional rollercoaster riding was fucked up enough.
9:12pm
alright calm yourself. self-preservation is doing work. thank you. and you can't check out and die because that would hurt your parents even more. and god knows you really don't want that. fuck, there's no way out. so the only thing you can do is wait in silence and numb yourself. until hopefully one day you can manage to breathe easier again, just remember to keep breathing. i can't imagine why any of you would want to read all this crazy crap i spill out. surely all this emotional rollercoaster riding was fucked up enough.
They Don't Even Know
Sitting here trying to muffle my sobs, I can't stop crying. I know, for once right? At least that finally works. But I am not hysterical right now. Actually I'm quite calm and rational. It's this weird numbing kind of cry-fest.
They don't even know. God everything would just be so much easier if I were dead. I don't know what to do. I'm such a failure. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to quit. I don't want to be alive.
They don't even know. God everything would just be so much easier if I were dead. I don't know what to do. I'm such a failure. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to quit. I don't want to be alive.
Big Brother Ripe At 27
"She doesn't listen to me, so why should I even be good to her?"
Who says that kind of shit?
By the way, thanks for hurting mother even further than we already managed to do. I can only stand in and console so much. And I don't think it's me she wants anymore, she needs you. But you left a long time ago.
And of course my brainwashed patriarchal father agrees with my fucked up brother and that he's right in his attacks.
Incredible how much sex and age can immediately and automatically fucked up determine anything that is supposed to matter. Unfathomable just how much people don't see and think for themselves, rather they let the ideologies that bind us determine their own self-worth and place in society. They have let an out of dated fucked up vicious cycle dictate their lives and think for them rather than choosing to expand their own minds through the confidence of themselves. If you don't choose to want to know and consider to understand other perspectives, all perspectives for the matter, then you will never learn or be anything more inside than the mechanical robot you are.
My father already has no faith in me or my abilities to amount to anything in life. You have no faith in me.This is why we can never get along or have a real relationship. You and my brother telling me I can't do shit is tearing me apart and killing me. It's already making me second guess myself and believe that I really can't do shit.
Who says that kind of shit?
By the way, thanks for hurting mother even further than we already managed to do. I can only stand in and console so much. And I don't think it's me she wants anymore, she needs you. But you left a long time ago.
And of course my brainwashed patriarchal father agrees with my fucked up brother and that he's right in his attacks.
Incredible how much sex and age can immediately and automatically fucked up determine anything that is supposed to matter. Unfathomable just how much people don't see and think for themselves, rather they let the ideologies that bind us determine their own self-worth and place in society. They have let an out of dated fucked up vicious cycle dictate their lives and think for them rather than choosing to expand their own minds through the confidence of themselves. If you don't choose to want to know and consider to understand other perspectives, all perspectives for the matter, then you will never learn or be anything more inside than the mechanical robot you are.
My father already has no faith in me or my abilities to amount to anything in life. You have no faith in me.This is why we can never get along or have a real relationship. You and my brother telling me I can't do shit is tearing me apart and killing me. It's already making me second guess myself and believe that I really can't do shit.
Just A Meaningless Word
Fuck family. Fuck bloodlines. Fuck traditional Chinese familial piety and duty. I don't even have what you would call a real family. We fake it for appearances and pretend to be what we're not. All they care and understand are only the things on the surface, they don't understand what I care about. That I care about the internal morals, ethics, and principles- what a person is truly made of inside. This shit doesn't even register to them as something greater for life. All they see is surface, they don't even understand about the essence of a person. They only see surface and then judge from that. They don't care to try to understand the reasons behind the surface- the why behind the why.
All you see is surface, what's on the outside- the physical things I do to pass my time. And even all that is barely skimming the actual destructive and reckless nature. All you see is that I'm massively careless, clumsy, and rebellious. And then you judge with criticism and without accepting. I get it, that it's easy to judge based solely on what you see. Everyone else in the majority of the loathesome and annoying population seems to do so as well, so I suppose why not you guys too. What is so wrong with people that no one can even begin to register that everything has a root; that all things always begin somewhere first before they develop into something else, they only see the end result. People are blinded by their own brainwashed ignorance. They never ask or begin to even think to even consider how the effect came to be. You don't even understand that everything I do goes far deeper, so much deeper than anything the surface could ever touch. And you're part of the problem tearing me further into bits and pieces.
I'm so sick and tired of all this bullshit. Having raised myself and never had anyone around (solely supporting a person materialistically is not raising someone, I appreciate it entirely for never wanting for anything and never take for granted how lucky I am, but you can't claim to have taken care of someone if you haven't actually been there physically and emotionally for someone), I'm finally fed up and done trying to keep mine together. I'm a family first but without a family to first to. We're so broken and internally fucked up that the only reason we put up with it is because we have to for appearance sake, because we're blood bound. I've written a countless number of drafts regarding my family life, but I have never really been able to publish. Here's the short version. The word family is a word that doesn't mean anything. At least they got the waterworks working for me entirely from my irate frustration when they're usually never reliable.
All you see is surface, what's on the outside- the physical things I do to pass my time. And even all that is barely skimming the actual destructive and reckless nature. All you see is that I'm massively careless, clumsy, and rebellious. And then you judge with criticism and without accepting. I get it, that it's easy to judge based solely on what you see. Everyone else in the majority of the loathesome and annoying population seems to do so as well, so I suppose why not you guys too. What is so wrong with people that no one can even begin to register that everything has a root; that all things always begin somewhere first before they develop into something else, they only see the end result. People are blinded by their own brainwashed ignorance. They never ask or begin to even think to even consider how the effect came to be. You don't even understand that everything I do goes far deeper, so much deeper than anything the surface could ever touch. And you're part of the problem tearing me further into bits and pieces.
I'm so sick and tired of all this bullshit. Having raised myself and never had anyone around (solely supporting a person materialistically is not raising someone, I appreciate it entirely for never wanting for anything and never take for granted how lucky I am, but you can't claim to have taken care of someone if you haven't actually been there physically and emotionally for someone), I'm finally fed up and done trying to keep mine together. I'm a family first but without a family to first to. We're so broken and internally fucked up that the only reason we put up with it is because we have to for appearance sake, because we're blood bound. I've written a countless number of drafts regarding my family life, but I have never really been able to publish. Here's the short version. The word family is a word that doesn't mean anything. At least they got the waterworks working for me entirely from my irate frustration when they're usually never reliable.
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Phoenix
Check em out, they're great since 2000, but I didn't get into them until a couple years back. <3 The lyrics to this song are awesome. All of it.
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control
They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away
You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please.
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try.
No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please.
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control
They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away
You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please.
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try.
No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please.
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Alzheimer's
Forget him. Why can't you? Try harder please. Please, please. It would all be so much easier. Because I don't want this.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Retro 80's Recognition
Did I ever tell you how much I absolutely have such a thing for 80's movies? Well, 'tis true; I entirely lust to go back in time to a more awesome era as always. I especially have a thing for John Hughes films, but 80's films are indeed a major love of mine. They're the kind you realize to be a major part of your go to films of which you can just watch over and over when you're feeling down, for comfort late late at night and never get sick of.
I want Andrew McCarthy from Pretty in Pink (or any movies he's been in for the matter, I LOVE him) and his beautiful smile to find me and keep me safe with an unconditionally sweet love and look for always filled with his gentleman chivalry. I want a time machine to transport me to a lovelier time far away from anywhere here and now that I could wholeheartedly embrace and thrive off of. Not to mention be perpetually content and blissfully happy existing in. I want Jake Ryan to find where I am and be just there to rescue me, perfectly waiting for me to appear because he wants, me. I want me, a Watson-like girl to find her idea of forever that she can bet her hands on. I want the warm nostalgia transmitted through the sweetness of a held over head boom box in the rain outside my bedroom window and the real and intense determined deep eyes and overflowing look of, "She's it, I mean it. And I'll never let up."
I want Andrew McCarthy from Pretty in Pink (or any movies he's been in for the matter, I LOVE him) and his beautiful smile to find me and keep me safe with an unconditionally sweet love and look for always filled with his gentleman chivalry. I want a time machine to transport me to a lovelier time far away from anywhere here and now that I could wholeheartedly embrace and thrive off of. Not to mention be perpetually content and blissfully happy existing in. I want Jake Ryan to find where I am and be just there to rescue me, perfectly waiting for me to appear because he wants, me. I want me, a Watson-like girl to find her idea of forever that she can bet her hands on. I want the warm nostalgia transmitted through the sweetness of a held over head boom box in the rain outside my bedroom window and the real and intense determined deep eyes and overflowing look of, "She's it, I mean it. And I'll never let up."
Want
I want a guy who's the same in the morning as he is at night, always.
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Thursday, May 19, 2011
Abridged Jumpstart
On a whim after work on this past Monday, I decided to chop off all my hair. Again. (I have also begun going back to the gym this week which I hope to continue henceforth. I gotta tell you I forgot just how much I loved working out everyday and how it made me feel. but this entry isn't about that right now) The last time I have had my hair this short was back in high school a good 6 years ago, and even then this is still an inch shorter than that.
It had been nearly a month since my last hair cut. Almost mid-back that was cut to just below the shoulders.
Now it's an edgy A-line bob with bangs that just barely grazes under my chin. I literally have short hair and to be honest, I love it.
You gotta love these spontaneous self-gratifying impulses.
I wanted a change. I needed one. I craved one to push me into a new transformation of a being free from all of the ghosts who have been haunting her. A forced change if you will. Necessity is indeed the mother of all invention right? Desperate times call for desperate measures and when put, no, voluntarily chosen to be forced into an extreme entirely out of your own comfort zone, wonderful things can happen. A new hair cut can change a person's life. (as well as a new pair of shoes, hair color, song, book, etc.) Or so is the hoped for purpose and executed intention.
Yeah, I'm the kind of person who likes to push outside the boundaries of her own comfort zone time and time again. It enforces that you're still alive- inside, rather than merely passing through the motions of mundane life.
I'm so ready to be somebody new and better. I'm so ready not to think of you anymore. I'm so ready not to have dreams about you any longer. I'm so ready to forget you, you, and you. Without wanting you to hopefully some day one day come back with open arms and tell me what I want to hear, ready to give me what I want from you.
I'm so ready to begin successfully healing myself entirely internally and externally. (i've stopped smoking, now it's sometimes only when I drink, and I'm not cutting myself anymore though sometimes I still get the urge to. no worries, I resist. and I've been taking my medication regularly! Huzzah.)
I was ready for a new change, so ready, and I didn't wait for it this time. But then again I often never do given my compulsive personality. Yes I didn't wait, instead without even a second thought, I took it.
It had been nearly a month since my last hair cut. Almost mid-back that was cut to just below the shoulders.
Now it's an edgy A-line bob with bangs that just barely grazes under my chin. I literally have short hair and to be honest, I love it.
You gotta love these spontaneous self-gratifying impulses.
I wanted a change. I needed one. I craved one to push me into a new transformation of a being free from all of the ghosts who have been haunting her. A forced change if you will. Necessity is indeed the mother of all invention right? Desperate times call for desperate measures and when put, no, voluntarily chosen to be forced into an extreme entirely out of your own comfort zone, wonderful things can happen. A new hair cut can change a person's life. (as well as a new pair of shoes, hair color, song, book, etc.) Or so is the hoped for purpose and executed intention.
Yeah, I'm the kind of person who likes to push outside the boundaries of her own comfort zone time and time again. It enforces that you're still alive- inside, rather than merely passing through the motions of mundane life.
I'm so ready to be somebody new and better. I'm so ready not to think of you anymore. I'm so ready not to have dreams about you any longer. I'm so ready to forget you, you, and you. Without wanting you to hopefully some day one day come back with open arms and tell me what I want to hear, ready to give me what I want from you.
I'm so ready to begin successfully healing myself entirely internally and externally. (i've stopped smoking, now it's sometimes only when I drink, and I'm not cutting myself anymore though sometimes I still get the urge to. no worries, I resist. and I've been taking my medication regularly! Huzzah.)
I was ready for a new change, so ready, and I didn't wait for it this time. But then again I often never do given my compulsive personality. Yes I didn't wait, instead without even a second thought, I took it.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Iron & Wine
Will you say when I'm, gone away,
"My lover came to me and we'd lay,
In rooms unfamiliar but until now."
Will you say to them, when I'm gone,
"I loved your son for his sturdy arms,
We both learned to cradle then live without."
Will you say when I'm, gone away,
"Your father's body was judgement day,
We both dove and rose to the riverside."
Will you say to me, when I'm gone,
"Your face has faded but lingers on,
Because light strikes a deal with each coming night."
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
First Music Loves Last Forever
I guess you can probably tell, but I got into the music scene pretty early in life. I'm 22 right now. It helped that my brother is 5 years older, so I basically got exposed to great music way earlier than the norm I guess. Anyway, Kai is one of my first music loves. (probably shows you what generation I come from- the last part of the gangster AZN age right before the punk era began haha) They're part of the 90's influx of low key R&B asian harmonic groups (Azn Dreamers, One Voice, Devotion, etc.) who sang about love. I remember listening to them over and over again for years, and as I pulled out the cds last night and listened this morning, I still remember every single lyrics from all of their songs. Pretty great. Don't you just love those great throwback bands and music that settle you with a great warm feeling of goodness? Amazing this thing called nostalgia. We always seem to be longing for the past. I guess it makes sense because we always want what we can't have. And albeit the past will never come again. But the great souvenirs left, the momentos that you sentimentally choose to keep, are so special that it seems to make the unattainable a just that much less yearnful.
It's weird, yet so great how certain reminiscent reminders act as enablers and can suddenly send you back into a state of mind of which wraps you up in this protective force field of a blissful and uplifted part of the world (that often gets hard to reach the more time passes with age) If only for just a moment, sometimes a moment is all we need.
If you're into the soft and sweet old school R&B sound, check them out. (figures where my love for R&B stemmed from haha) I love every single one of their songs.
All of their songs are so great, but I can hardly post every single one. Just two albums before their retirement in 2001. Self-titled Kai and The Promise, I can't choose which one is my favorite. Today is such a good day. (:
It's weird, yet so great how certain reminiscent reminders act as enablers and can suddenly send you back into a state of mind of which wraps you up in this protective force field of a blissful and uplifted part of the world (that often gets hard to reach the more time passes with age) If only for just a moment, sometimes a moment is all we need.
If you're into the soft and sweet old school R&B sound, check them out. (figures where my love for R&B stemmed from haha) I love every single one of their songs.
All of their songs are so great, but I can hardly post every single one. Just two albums before their retirement in 2001. Self-titled Kai and The Promise, I can't choose which one is my favorite. Today is such a good day. (:
Monday, May 9, 2011
Doing This
Getting over you, now. Decision made. I don't need you and I don't want to want someone who rips and tears to the bone everything I manage to heal. Even when you're not in my life now you still mess me up internally. I'm getting over this heartbreak I can't let go of, it's not a won't anymore because I want to be done with this. It doesn't hurt so good anymore, it's become heart wrenching like a sharp knife slowly being pushed deeper and deeper into my chest sucking away all of my air. I can't be like this anymore and think about you any longer. I don't want this. I was right. You didn't change, you just adapted.The long and arduous process begins now.
Creeping
I woke up to you this morning, in my dream. It was so vivid that I didn't want to wake up for work. A bittersweet sentiment. "Like a heartbreak you can't let go of because it hurts too good." I've been working so hard to get over you, but I've realized that I don't want to let you go yet. Too bad what you want and what is good for your are two completely opposite factors.
I've never wanted to let you go, though I pushed you away constantly, I've always gone against what is ideally good and healthy for me. The acknowledgments of a self-masochist right? Terrible, bad news bears.
I know I need and have to get over you, I almost did, but this last time shattered the entire productivity. Now I don't know if I'll ever get you out of my mind for the time being or ever stop aching to have you back in my life.
I miss your hands.
I miss your arms.
I miss your shoulders.
I miss your neck.
I miss your scent.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your voice.
I miss you.
So much, that it hurts all over it again.
You've crept back into me.
You don't need to tell me how big of a fucking idiot I am to still want him. Because I already know all that
This is going to take a while to get over.
What I need is a miracle.
I've never wanted to let you go, though I pushed you away constantly, I've always gone against what is ideally good and healthy for me. The acknowledgments of a self-masochist right? Terrible, bad news bears.
I know I need and have to get over you, I almost did, but this last time shattered the entire productivity. Now I don't know if I'll ever get you out of my mind for the time being or ever stop aching to have you back in my life.
I miss your hands.
I miss your arms.
I miss your shoulders.
I miss your neck.
I miss your scent.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your voice.
I miss you.
So much, that it hurts all over it again.
You've crept back into me.
You don't need to tell me how big of a fucking idiot I am to still want him. Because I already know all that
This is going to take a while to get over.
What I need is a miracle.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Little Red Book
Alright, brace yourselves- this is going to be a confusing one.
So let's recap, I broke part of it down in Resufacing Loss Of Breath, first love and fling I am way over and don't feel a thing. The one and stephen, hits me with a bittersweet sentimental ache, but the two are definite closed chapters of my life I am done with and of which I never plan on revisiting and actually don't think about. Now, to add to the list of the ones worth mentioning, there has been my neighbor, vegas guy, guy friend from Definite Frightening Uncertainties, and then hawaii guy of whom I have never mentioned and finally have but only too briefly. In all honesty, vegas guy never warranted a mentioning, neither did guy friend or hawaii guy because they never even came close to getting that part of me of where I actually let my guard down. But nonetheless, my gullible and sucker heart let a small something in without my consent. But that's not the point of this entry.
It hit me extra hard today. And I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time now to get this off of my mind somehow.
I don't think I have ever really let my guard down, with any of these guys. I mean there have been times where I might've shared a bit of deep skeletal information about my history, but never really completely let my guard down.
Except I did with you, my neighbor, my should've been best friend. The one I let things get messy with.
I cut you out of my life, or at least I tried to. But you left me first.
We haven't spoken for I'd say 2 months. But I've thought about you almost every day. How pathetic that makes me sound doesn't it?
I showed you everything. I told you everything. I let you see me. I put everything down because you said you'd be there. I guess it got too hard. I let myself get clingy and attached; I hate that. But you were clingy first. What I want to know is why. I put too much on you and your shoulders when I shouldn't have. I know I made things messy and I'm sorry for that, but you left me. You wouldn't fight or put up effort to stay. How I wish you would just fight for something, anything. We're both emotionally handicapped. We both push people away when we get too close. I pushed you away first, then when I finally let you in. You pushed me away, and left.
I don't know if it's because you got scared or if you finally got what you wanted, you were then done with me- again.
I don't know what you're thinking, at all. But I wish I knew. I wish I knew the truth.
I believed that you cared, and I'm scared to believe and accept if you actually don't care at all. Okay, but this all still isn't the point of this entry.
Now that so much time has passed and I finally decide to slowly let you go. First I did that with the symbolic gesture of deleting your number completely from my address book. (though although I don't have your number completely memorized, I do know what it looks like and when it's you who texts me) A couple weeks ago I changed my domain name in hopes so you couldn't find this and read it if you ever thought about doing so. Or if you in fact actually did regularly as you revealed to me. I still cannot believe I completely let my guard down with you and told you about this- told you about everything. This blog is everything; it is the culmination of my damaged and irreparable being. And I gave it to you. I put my entire trust in you, but that was my fault. (no one ever really wants to know and see the real broken and messy truth) You actually made me feel safe for the first time ever since I became broken. I told you everything. I even told you I loved you- the person you are. Being in love and loving a person is different. I can't say if I was in love and I am not about to spend time contemplating that theoretical possibility. So let's just not.
I told you everything, but you never told me anything. You told me things, but never how you felt. Every time I would get close, we'd hit a wall and then you'd close up again. I know I did too, but I still fought to try. I needed to know all of that, but I was too scared to ask. Too scared to find out the truth of me really never meaning anything to you, anything different that set me apart from the rest of the people in your life.
Anyway, you texted me this past Saturday night when I was out, "Whatcha doing?" Like you always do, as if nothing had ever happened. Yet, maybe nothing has to you. I'm coming to a very harsh realization that maybe I never really meant anything after all, despite your best efforts to convince me otherwise in the beginning. But what about the end? You just quit. It was 12:47a.m., so technically Sunday, but let's not get technical. After all this time, I still knew it was you. I hate that.
I didn't respond. And I won't.
I don't know how I feel and whether or not I should let you back in. You can't keep coming back in and out of my life whenever you want and feel like it. You can't keep coming back after I've tried and am trying so hard to forget you. I don't want to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Before I let you in the last time, I was so fine without you. Until I believed you. And you broke me more than ever. It hurt and hurts so much more than it ever did. And now it hurts altogether collectively.
Yet here's the truth, I lied. I don't know if you could see right through my faithful facades or if you knew, but yes I still kept you at a distance. Always maintaining the 'friend' zone with you first and defending that, regardless if in fact we ended up kissing one another which eventually led to sex. Yet to finally admit, I was in denial. Denial is ultimately lying, even if you don't think you're lying at the time. I even instinctively believed what I was denying, but when time passes enough the mind often stirs and stirs trying to process and find resolution in confusing possible impossibilities. Okay, but this all still isn't the point.
The point is, I lied. I tried so hard to repress what I felt because I was and still am convinced that you will never ever feel that way about me and that I will always just be a friend to you. That you'll never think of me in that way with love. I tried so hard to break everything down and read the signs, but there are possibilities that both seem so plausible. I was and still am at a great loss of confusion. So I kept you constantly at best friends distance and letting you be aware of the friend zone in the way that people do it.
The truth?
I did want you. I wanted you to be my great possibility. I may still do, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not about to open that door, not even a crack.
I know I said it would never work, and I'm still not sure if it will, but I would've loved to have tried.
But what I really want the most was the truth from you. For you to completely let your guard down and tell me the truth. It doesn't matter if it is just friends or something more. I just want to know, but I'm afraid I never will. Now I don't know what to do. I can't afford to care about you anymore if you're just going to keep on breaking me. I've loved you for about 9 years, before all the male influx disaster and tragedy. But you've never seen me. And I've accepted that and made the necessary adjustments after learning my lessons the hard way with you. I tried to protect myself from you each time you hurt me and manipulated my too nice and nurturing nature. Yet, I haven't been able to shake you from my mind either. The one time I finally succeeded, you pushed back into my life, convincing me that this time things were different, this last past time and shook it to what it is now, all cracked and broken.
As much as I want to, I do nothing right? because you do nothing.
What's wrong with me so much that I constantly am letting assholes treat me like shit, repeatedly. While the nice guys I kicked to the curb.
I'm shaking my head so seriously as I say this, I miss you. So much. And I'm afraid that you'll really forget about me and not come back, this time or ever.
I hate that. What the fuck am I thinking?
So let's recap, I broke part of it down in Resufacing Loss Of Breath, first love and fling I am way over and don't feel a thing. The one and stephen, hits me with a bittersweet sentimental ache, but the two are definite closed chapters of my life I am done with and of which I never plan on revisiting and actually don't think about. Now, to add to the list of the ones worth mentioning, there has been my neighbor, vegas guy, guy friend from Definite Frightening Uncertainties, and then hawaii guy of whom I have never mentioned and finally have but only too briefly. In all honesty, vegas guy never warranted a mentioning, neither did guy friend or hawaii guy because they never even came close to getting that part of me of where I actually let my guard down. But nonetheless, my gullible and sucker heart let a small something in without my consent. But that's not the point of this entry.
It hit me extra hard today. And I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time now to get this off of my mind somehow.
I don't think I have ever really let my guard down, with any of these guys. I mean there have been times where I might've shared a bit of deep skeletal information about my history, but never really completely let my guard down.
Except I did with you, my neighbor, my should've been best friend. The one I let things get messy with.
I cut you out of my life, or at least I tried to. But you left me first.
We haven't spoken for I'd say 2 months. But I've thought about you almost every day. How pathetic that makes me sound doesn't it?
I showed you everything. I told you everything. I let you see me. I put everything down because you said you'd be there. I guess it got too hard. I let myself get clingy and attached; I hate that. But you were clingy first. What I want to know is why. I put too much on you and your shoulders when I shouldn't have. I know I made things messy and I'm sorry for that, but you left me. You wouldn't fight or put up effort to stay. How I wish you would just fight for something, anything. We're both emotionally handicapped. We both push people away when we get too close. I pushed you away first, then when I finally let you in. You pushed me away, and left.
I don't know if it's because you got scared or if you finally got what you wanted, you were then done with me- again.
I don't know what you're thinking, at all. But I wish I knew. I wish I knew the truth.
I believed that you cared, and I'm scared to believe and accept if you actually don't care at all. Okay, but this all still isn't the point of this entry.
Now that so much time has passed and I finally decide to slowly let you go. First I did that with the symbolic gesture of deleting your number completely from my address book. (though although I don't have your number completely memorized, I do know what it looks like and when it's you who texts me) A couple weeks ago I changed my domain name in hopes so you couldn't find this and read it if you ever thought about doing so. Or if you in fact actually did regularly as you revealed to me. I still cannot believe I completely let my guard down with you and told you about this- told you about everything. This blog is everything; it is the culmination of my damaged and irreparable being. And I gave it to you. I put my entire trust in you, but that was my fault. (no one ever really wants to know and see the real broken and messy truth) You actually made me feel safe for the first time ever since I became broken. I told you everything. I even told you I loved you- the person you are. Being in love and loving a person is different. I can't say if I was in love and I am not about to spend time contemplating that theoretical possibility. So let's just not.
I told you everything, but you never told me anything. You told me things, but never how you felt. Every time I would get close, we'd hit a wall and then you'd close up again. I know I did too, but I still fought to try. I needed to know all of that, but I was too scared to ask. Too scared to find out the truth of me really never meaning anything to you, anything different that set me apart from the rest of the people in your life.
Anyway, you texted me this past Saturday night when I was out, "Whatcha doing?" Like you always do, as if nothing had ever happened. Yet, maybe nothing has to you. I'm coming to a very harsh realization that maybe I never really meant anything after all, despite your best efforts to convince me otherwise in the beginning. But what about the end? You just quit. It was 12:47a.m., so technically Sunday, but let's not get technical. After all this time, I still knew it was you. I hate that.
I didn't respond. And I won't.
I don't know how I feel and whether or not I should let you back in. You can't keep coming back in and out of my life whenever you want and feel like it. You can't keep coming back after I've tried and am trying so hard to forget you. I don't want to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Before I let you in the last time, I was so fine without you. Until I believed you. And you broke me more than ever. It hurt and hurts so much more than it ever did. And now it hurts altogether collectively.
Yet here's the truth, I lied. I don't know if you could see right through my faithful facades or if you knew, but yes I still kept you at a distance. Always maintaining the 'friend' zone with you first and defending that, regardless if in fact we ended up kissing one another which eventually led to sex. Yet to finally admit, I was in denial. Denial is ultimately lying, even if you don't think you're lying at the time. I even instinctively believed what I was denying, but when time passes enough the mind often stirs and stirs trying to process and find resolution in confusing possible impossibilities. Okay, but this all still isn't the point.
The point is, I lied. I tried so hard to repress what I felt because I was and still am convinced that you will never ever feel that way about me and that I will always just be a friend to you. That you'll never think of me in that way with love. I tried so hard to break everything down and read the signs, but there are possibilities that both seem so plausible. I was and still am at a great loss of confusion. So I kept you constantly at best friends distance and letting you be aware of the friend zone in the way that people do it.
The truth?
I did want you. I wanted you to be my great possibility. I may still do, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not about to open that door, not even a crack.
I know I said it would never work, and I'm still not sure if it will, but I would've loved to have tried.
But what I really want the most was the truth from you. For you to completely let your guard down and tell me the truth. It doesn't matter if it is just friends or something more. I just want to know, but I'm afraid I never will. Now I don't know what to do. I can't afford to care about you anymore if you're just going to keep on breaking me. I've loved you for about 9 years, before all the male influx disaster and tragedy. But you've never seen me. And I've accepted that and made the necessary adjustments after learning my lessons the hard way with you. I tried to protect myself from you each time you hurt me and manipulated my too nice and nurturing nature. Yet, I haven't been able to shake you from my mind either. The one time I finally succeeded, you pushed back into my life, convincing me that this time things were different, this last past time and shook it to what it is now, all cracked and broken.
As much as I want to, I do nothing right? because you do nothing.
What's wrong with me so much that I constantly am letting assholes treat me like shit, repeatedly. While the nice guys I kicked to the curb.
I'm shaking my head so seriously as I say this, I miss you. So much. And I'm afraid that you'll really forget about me and not come back, this time or ever.
I hate that. What the fuck am I thinking?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Terrorism's Mortalty
So apparently Osama Bin Laden has been killed. To be honest, I discovered this fact through the impossibly quick network facebook has generated. I could not get over just how many people were status updating with the news of his death, but not only that. They were also expressing their ecstatic joy about the situation and thanking god or whomever and whatever as well as showing their utmost gratitude. For a death.
How is that okay?
Alright, I understand that he's a bad person and I get that what he has done was very very horrible. But, I cease to be amazed at the fact that people are actually more than rejoicing in a person's death. I am blown away by how so much happiness can be drawn from death, even if the person was a not so great guy. When has it ever been okay to be happy about someone's death? It's okay to be relieved and feel liberated, and maybe a little reluctant joy, but really? People are overtly excited and thrilled about this 'accomplishment'. But if you look at it from a way outside perspective, maybe these too enthralled emotions are unwarranted. Death is still something that should not bring so much happiness. Where's the karmic factor? Death, regardless of who, is still considered to be an ultimate tragedy in life right? Where do we draw the line?
But that's just me, I always feel bad for the underdog. I always feel bad for the bad guy and his conscience (whether it exists or not) more than the victims involved, even though it's all still a great grave loss. Yeah, don't ask me about my empathy rules, I don't get it myself.
We should all just hope that there won't be any sort of retaliation resulting from this event.
How is that okay?
Alright, I understand that he's a bad person and I get that what he has done was very very horrible. But, I cease to be amazed at the fact that people are actually more than rejoicing in a person's death. I am blown away by how so much happiness can be drawn from death, even if the person was a not so great guy. When has it ever been okay to be happy about someone's death? It's okay to be relieved and feel liberated, and maybe a little reluctant joy, but really? People are overtly excited and thrilled about this 'accomplishment'. But if you look at it from a way outside perspective, maybe these too enthralled emotions are unwarranted. Death is still something that should not bring so much happiness. Where's the karmic factor? Death, regardless of who, is still considered to be an ultimate tragedy in life right? Where do we draw the line?
But that's just me, I always feel bad for the underdog. I always feel bad for the bad guy and his conscience (whether it exists or not) more than the victims involved, even though it's all still a great grave loss. Yeah, don't ask me about my empathy rules, I don't get it myself.
We should all just hope that there won't be any sort of retaliation resulting from this event.
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