So here goes:
I have never really considered having a blog up until these past couple of months, but I am the type of person that has been unfortunately genetically programmed to constantly think about anything and everything regardless of my own willed consent. (For those of you that happen to mirror my exact mentality, I have to say, you know what I mean.) Yet aside from that, I happen to be a person with very deep rooted issues and for whatever reason can never seem to ever be happy because there is too much shit in the world. Oh god yes yes, here comes the part when you say everyone has problems and blah blah blah you deal, BUT if you are one of those people who are really dark and twisted from events in your life and get handed that wonderfully irritating saying to you, you know what a pain in the ass it is to hear because most people just don't understand or can't relate to your feelings or why you are the way you are. So this is also a place where I can express my own thoughts but that is a different story to elaborate more on after my introductions.
The reason that I have finally decided to follow through with my wishful blogging desire is for that exact purpose. I have come across postings of those that have struck my interests to be so terribly clever and have often contemplated if I could ever be able to do the same. If I could ever possibly have the ability to construct something that could be just as interesting. I vulnerably yet proudly reveal that I do have a strong passion for the english language that most people, who are not drawn towards a profession that requires styled literation and certain vernacular, would not be able to understand or share and I hope, seeing the way that I speak or write that I do not come off as condescending, judgmental, offending or even snobby for the matter. It's just that truthfully sometimes you can tell when a person is say an english major or a business major. I myself am an english major and very often many people, that I am surrounded with who are not english majors or majors related to literary aspects, do not seem to understand the reason for our choice of professional education, but it's okay, it's not their fault. The world is filled with a vastly diverse amount of individuals.
Yes I am an english major, and my progression to what I have wanted to do in terms of my career has been ever changing. I am a very fickle minded person who constantly craves change. I hate routine and once I get stuck into one for too long I start to get into one of my moods that I feel if I do not do something drastic to alter my situation, then I'll go crazy. But surprisingly, once I had realized my passion for literation, it is like a whole window of possibilities had opened up and it slowly and quickly at the same time unraveled a love and passion that I was not aware that I had until it happen. It's like one of those cliche things where you always say, you don't know it until it really hits you. But oh yeah it really hit me and my affair with the written word has been going on for 3 years now and I am sure it will continue until the day I die. And for being a very fickle minded person who has commitment issues, who very much lives in the moment and shy's away from anything that is remotely long term resembling, I would have to say that admitting to an affair such as this that is continuous is a very big thing for me.
Okay but I digress, I have gone to wanting to be a journalist to being hit with the harsh realization that maybe I can't write anything such as an epic novel to realizing that I love to read great works. So I landed into finding a niche involving publishing or editing. Then struggles of trying to understand myself and finding a profession that will satisfy myself in terms of a career choice. I want to read great texts and be the one who puts them out there for the world to see. Hence my desire resulting to be a literary agent. I don't have the ability to write stories. At least I don't think I do seeing as I failed miserably in a Creative Writing class I decided to take for fun (because I wanted to and I thought that I could learn and grow from it) that ended up slightly damaging my gpa in the process. My TA was an ass and jewed everyone. Excuse my racial slurs, they mean well and aren't meant to be racist. After coming to the devastating realization that maybe I had no talent and that anything I wrote fictionally was pure crap, I have come to the mentality that although I may not be able to write, I do have a respect and extravagant fondness for the composure of the english language. So thus I ruled out writing as a career path out for me. I know I can strongly write and analyze things well when I have something to say and have my thoughts complete, but I don't know if I could ever write anything fictional such as novels or even short stories or things that I consider to be in that Art category such as poetry.
Throughout my years of growing up I feel like I have finally started to come into my own to start the transition of becoming the person who I am supposed to be. With that being said, the significance of the english language plays a very major role. There are two things that have been my saviors when everything has gone to shit. Two things which have been music and books and both are immensely correlated to the written word. When I read certain words that are put together so perfectly and carefully to convey a specific image or meaning, I get this sort of rush in my chest (or if you want to be cheesy, my heart) and sometimes throughout my entire body that is such a high. The fact that people are able to use the written word to formulate something so beautiful that can actually be so affecting to a person is purely amazing to me.
I have always considered myself artistically handicapped or challenged. I do have the ability to argue and persuade very convincingly with powerful force given the right circumstances, but in terms of creating and inventing things purely on raw talent, that I have always felt that I do not have. I have the talent and ability to articulate and be fairly expressive, but on subjects such as creating beautiful poetry out of nothing or writing phenomenal fictional stories, I feel that I am seriously lacking in that department. It has always been a sore spot for me because I do wish very much to be artistic in every sense, but when you just don't have it and you're more pragmatic than artsy, you just don't have it and you have to make due with what you've been fated. I feel that I may be somewhat well versed and I am able to take what has been given to me and make things better; yet, I do not have raw talent that I wish to have been given in my DNA.
Okay, after all that precursory explanation, back to my case and point as to why I have finally decided to try my hand at blogging and free association. (I've always wanted to experiment with free association.) This blog isn't to prove to the world anything. It's existence isn't for anyone's benefit but my own. It is more of an archive of my trials for myself to see what I can really do. I want to see if I have the ability to write something, ANYTHING that could be remotely interesting and worth reading. I may not have a talent for fiction, but maybe I could discover in myself something I never thought I had. Maybe this could start something great in me. I have always admired people that are able to just put themselves out there for the world to see and read regardless of people's relentless perspectives and I feel like this may serve as a great experience or significant part of my development as a person. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read what I write/post and will write/post, but if anyone out there that is reading this right now or has, I encourage you to please feel free to leave me a comment to let me know what you think. I would definitely greatly appreciate your feedback or thoughts on anything that I have said no matter how unpleasant or even positive it may be. So how was that for my first post?
