L.O.V.E. And Then Some

I haven't been able to really listen, watch, or read anything too sentimentally interwoven with love as of these past several, several, months. Because once I do, it hits harder and the reality just becomes all too real again. It's the very thing I'm trying to heal from and albeit, run away from. I feel like I'm permanently disconnected, like it just isn't possible for me anymore to let myself gain any progress in romantic love. There are all these great guys, but I always find some way to fuck it up on purpose- just so I can have a reason to not become involved. My friends say I'm too picky, though, I deserve to be- everyone does. But, I always hit a wall. My brain feels like something physically disconnects, disabling my any ability to function in that form.

Yes, it's because I'm scared shitless. My self-preservation is on auto-pilot all the time now without my own enabling. It's become a built in instinct now rather than a mere defense mechanism. It's part of who I am now. There is no on/off switch anymore. It's a nature chemical my body has learned to produce and generate.

Guys start talking to me and it's all really chill until a certain point, then I just physically disappear. Yes, I push people away. And yes, I am working on that. But, god, when did I become such a chicken shit? It is hitting me more and more now than ever that I am such a coward. Well, what are you going to do though right?

I'm getting better though. But most of the great things are woven in just that; the one thing I can't bring myself to be anywhere remotely around, physically or mentally. Especially with music. Music is such a big part of me and most of it is all about love, because that's how the great ones are born. So hence the emergence of this entry.

Yeah, I'm getting better, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt just as much when I allow myself to really feel it.

I feel like I lost something, something that wasn't even mine, but it was so close within my grasp, that to just lose it is just as bad.

And at the same time, it's like, what the hell am I waiting for?
I don't know. I don't seem to know anything anymore and I'm more indecisive about everything now than ever. It's horrible never knowing anything anymore and being unsure about everything going on in your own body and life.

I think I'm still just waiting, for you. I know, so pathetic and psychotic right? All of which I completely should not be doing because that's long gone and something that will never be.
Either that, or I'm still holding out for the dream, but everyone can say that dreams are unreachable and that sooner or later I'm just going to have to understand that, and lower my expectations. But I just can't. I can't help but still keep waiting for something to hit me outright in the gut, so much that I'll know without any uncertainty. Yet, that also poses a bittersweet notion of attainability because it feels like it's something that is so far away and impossible right now.

Great, and now I've run myself into a looping paradox filled with never-ending,
crap.
And I know, it's like stop waiting for something to happen and just go out there and do something. Well, shut the fuck up because I've already done everything of the 'doing something method' possible than anyone can ever feel. So I don't need any of that self-help inspirational bullshit.

I'm so in over my head of re-cyclic ironies and contradicting quandaries that no wonder I'm going mad.
I'm so tired, all the time; I feel like bursting into tears, all the time. I cry so easily now, it's so odd. I just don't want to do anything anymore; I want time to stop.