Damn. So good. Try out his music, it's pretty good. Cosigned by Drake, you know it.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
10.27.11
I have good days and bad days, clearly. Today was one of those days that leave me feeling so helpless and lost.
Such an emotionally draining day, It really took everything out of me. But part of it, my relationship with my parents is slightly better, for now.
And then the rest, all the crap that is going on inside me. It hurts and I can't breathe at times. And I feel horrible anxiety, you know, the kind that makes you think your heart is literally going to jump out of your own body and give out from exhaustion. Even when crying relieves so much, it still takes so much out of you. I feel so depleted. And despite all this pushing endurance of moving forward- it will never cease, I still want to stop and fade away, but I fight that and put it away everyday. I don't know what else to say.
Such an emotionally draining day, It really took everything out of me. But part of it, my relationship with my parents is slightly better, for now.
And then the rest, all the crap that is going on inside me. It hurts and I can't breathe at times. And I feel horrible anxiety, you know, the kind that makes you think your heart is literally going to jump out of your own body and give out from exhaustion. Even when crying relieves so much, it still takes so much out of you. I feel so depleted. And despite all this pushing endurance of moving forward- it will never cease, I still want to stop and fade away, but I fight that and put it away everyday. I don't know what else to say.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Blown Out
Shit, I feel so burnt out. I need a break. Like a real one; I guess all this stressing me out is getting to me, it's too physically demanding.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I Can't Say
I can't say I'm not scared out of my wits about tonight. But I'm more nervous and excited in anticipation than fear of anything else. He makes everything so easy and zero pressure. Who knew?
But I do have to get to know him a lot better to decide anything.
And by the way, this isn't just some guy I randomly met. I've known him from college a long while ago, through a really good friend I consider part of my second family. But we've never really spoken til now. A random coincidental chance encounter. So we'll see. Whatever happens happens, whether there is something or if we just stay friends. I'm genuinely cool with whatever.
But I do have to get to know him a lot better to decide anything.
And by the way, this isn't just some guy I randomly met. I've known him from college a long while ago, through a really good friend I consider part of my second family. But we've never really spoken til now. A random coincidental chance encounter. So we'll see. Whatever happens happens, whether there is something or if we just stay friends. I'm genuinely cool with whatever.
It's Been Knocking At My Door
"Just breathe, relax, and let it in. Because being afraid of happiness is complete nonsense." Right?
It's been knocking at my door for quite some time now, but I've chosen not to answer or consider it. Most of the time, I try to follow my instincts and intuition, while letting things naturally take their courses to unravel themselves. And it is completely true when they say, when you're not looking for anything, that's when something finds you.
I feel like I'll naturally answer it (whatever it is or may be), when everything in my body's entirety feels right. And I mean everything. I'll know when it's really the right time because I won't be filled with under-sided lingering thoughts, doubts, and uncertainties- everything that is a flare up warning that it/something is not right. But what I will be filled with, will be solely butterflies. Butterflies, rather than wormy caterpillars.
So, thus I'm a bit hesitant to dedicate an entry to this for fear of jinxing something, but why not?
I have a sort of, casual first date tonight. I am instinctually, and obviously, going to take things really really slow, slowly (used slowly not slower on purpose) ever than before. Part of me, being the control freak I am, is hesitant and fighting the urge, as always of course, to flee the other way back into my comfort zones. Am I ready yet? I don't know. I quite possibly might be. But how will you ever know anything if you don't face your fears and at least try? You can't lose if you never play the game. But, you can't ever win either.
What does make this one slightly memorable enough for this blog is, after nearly 9+ months of chosen non-interest and non-involvement, I am actually, quite easily, allowing myself to see where this one goes. So that means something coming from me. I don't know what, but it's something different I suppose.
This time I am going into this without any judgments or expectations, and with an open heart. So, we'll see what happens. Because whatever happens, happens. And at least we'll all know.
It's been knocking at my door for quite some time now, but I've chosen not to answer or consider it. Most of the time, I try to follow my instincts and intuition, while letting things naturally take their courses to unravel themselves. And it is completely true when they say, when you're not looking for anything, that's when something finds you.
I feel like I'll naturally answer it (whatever it is or may be), when everything in my body's entirety feels right. And I mean everything. I'll know when it's really the right time because I won't be filled with under-sided lingering thoughts, doubts, and uncertainties- everything that is a flare up warning that it/something is not right. But what I will be filled with, will be solely butterflies. Butterflies, rather than wormy caterpillars.
So, thus I'm a bit hesitant to dedicate an entry to this for fear of jinxing something, but why not?
I have a sort of, casual first date tonight. I am instinctually, and obviously, going to take things really really slow, slowly (used slowly not slower on purpose) ever than before. Part of me, being the control freak I am, is hesitant and fighting the urge, as always of course, to flee the other way back into my comfort zones. Am I ready yet? I don't know. I quite possibly might be. But how will you ever know anything if you don't face your fears and at least try? You can't lose if you never play the game. But, you can't ever win either.
What does make this one slightly memorable enough for this blog is, after nearly 9+ months of chosen non-interest and non-involvement, I am actually, quite easily, allowing myself to see where this one goes. So that means something coming from me. I don't know what, but it's something different I suppose.
This time I am going into this without any judgments or expectations, and with an open heart. So, we'll see what happens. Because whatever happens, happens. And at least we'll all know.
Missing
I still want to go back to Hawaii. I don't know, something about the islands that is so soothingly free. Haha I forgot to archive that I cliff jumped off of a 45 feet drop at Maunawili Falls. Scared the shit out of me, but it was an amazing experience. I would've gone more than once had the impact to the water not hurt so damn much haha. Yeah, I'm pretty great. (: The drop was so long that you actually had time to think on the way down. I remember thinking, "Oh my god, just get to the water already." Haha, life is so great.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Fading Back In
My coveted scars on my skin are beginning to heal with the steroid treatment. I'm still amazed by how effective and strong the steroids really are. My first laser session is in another week and they confirmed that yes, it is going to hurt. But I'm so ready. I've never feared from physical pain. And soon after a couple more months pass, give or take 6 months, they will be just a mere distant memory. It's as if witnessing the physically tangible healing process is in itself a cathartic healing experience for my piece of mind and the transmitted electrical current which radiates throughout my entire body. I can slowly feel myself releasing my frustrations and hurt piece by piece as each day passes. It feels as if all the bottled up and kept air is slowly being let out of my heavy weighted chest.
I'm ready to let go of them. I don't need them anymore. I'm ready to let go of the last year, the horrible 22nd year of my life. Because my 23rd has been by far the best yet, and it's only began.
I'm ready to let go of them. I don't need them anymore. I'm ready to let go of the last year, the horrible 22nd year of my life. Because my 23rd has been by far the best yet, and it's only began.
The Art Of
Letting Go:
I'm re-learning it; trying to refine and perfect it. Inch by inch and string by string, I'm beginning to return back to my senses. Though I've still got about 65% to go, it's a going.
Pushing Forward:
Starting last week, I've jumped started myself quite well back into productive mode with the addition of a few new improvements. Life is awesome. And I feel great. (well, most of the time. but hey, take what you can, it's the little things right?)
Presently Applied Objectives:
Work, Gym, Study. And with occasional breaks. But mostly I'm keeping my head on straight. Or at least trying to with the not so graceful track record I have. With all the while continuing to work on improving my karma and just being an all around better person.
Current Thoughts and Conclusions:
And even though all these emotions and sentiments, thoughts and tribulations leave, come and go within a matter of days, I live through a million moments and feelings a day, so sometimes the shortest time span can in actually be a lifetime with the right motives and positive intentions.
I'm beginning to become proud of myself again as I once used to be. I'm beginning to accept the things I have done, the things I cannot change, and the things I should let go. More so, I've begun to entirely accept myself for who I am, the major klutz that I am , inside and out, and what I do- with certainty and clarity.
I don't want to lose control and become the slightest bit unhinged again. And yes, I do know that I will always have 'episodes' throughout my life, but rather than fight it, I've embraced it. I'm not going to be someone I'm not. I am just me.
I know my vices and my chemical conditions, so now I need to make the right thought out decisions and act accordingly if I ever want any chance of a near 'normal' and steady life without 'intense emotional catastrophes'. But what matters most is that you don't ever stop trying. And I'm glad I'm stubborn enough to never stop.
I'm re-learning it; trying to refine and perfect it. Inch by inch and string by string, I'm beginning to return back to my senses. Though I've still got about 65% to go, it's a going.
Pushing Forward:
Starting last week, I've jumped started myself quite well back into productive mode with the addition of a few new improvements. Life is awesome. And I feel great. (well, most of the time. but hey, take what you can, it's the little things right?)
Presently Applied Objectives:
Work, Gym, Study. And with occasional breaks. But mostly I'm keeping my head on straight. Or at least trying to with the not so graceful track record I have. With all the while continuing to work on improving my karma and just being an all around better person.
Current Thoughts and Conclusions:
And even though all these emotions and sentiments, thoughts and tribulations leave, come and go within a matter of days, I live through a million moments and feelings a day, so sometimes the shortest time span can in actually be a lifetime with the right motives and positive intentions.
I'm beginning to become proud of myself again as I once used to be. I'm beginning to accept the things I have done, the things I cannot change, and the things I should let go. More so, I've begun to entirely accept myself for who I am, the major klutz that I am , inside and out, and what I do- with certainty and clarity.
I don't want to lose control and become the slightest bit unhinged again. And yes, I do know that I will always have 'episodes' throughout my life, but rather than fight it, I've embraced it. I'm not going to be someone I'm not. I am just me.
I know my vices and my chemical conditions, so now I need to make the right thought out decisions and act accordingly if I ever want any chance of a near 'normal' and steady life without 'intense emotional catastrophes'. But what matters most is that you don't ever stop trying. And I'm glad I'm stubborn enough to never stop.
Friday, October 21, 2011
5:30 A.M. 10.20.2011
I woke up so distraught this one night so much so that I had to do something about it. So there is what I wrote in my notebook- of course with some better editing and revising than a blurry wake up transcribing.
"It's so stupid. Even in my dreams, I still can't escape. And I remember the ones with you so vividly, while others I can hardly recall by the time I've woken up.
I hate it, I candidly and genuinely abhor it.
The ones with you, these annoyingly and painstakingly stay with me; though I wholeheartedly wish they didn't, or never came into existence for the matter.
How am I ever going to have even a slightest chance of getting away? How do I effectively disengage from it all? God knows how hard I have been trying for what it seems like forever now, but I always relapse.
"It's so stupid. Even in my dreams, I still can't escape. And I remember the ones with you so vividly, while others I can hardly recall by the time I've woken up.
I hate it, I candidly and genuinely abhor it.
The ones with you, these annoyingly and painstakingly stay with me; though I wholeheartedly wish they didn't, or never came into existence for the matter.
How am I ever going to have even a slightest chance of getting away? How do I effectively disengage from it all? God knows how hard I have been trying for what it seems like forever now, but I always relapse.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
S. Jobs
"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Enough
Enough. I don't have time nor do I want to waste it allowing stupid thoughts to constantly circumvent the spectrum of my mind. I have more important things to do. They need to leave already- I'm tired of all the redundant repetition of teasing nonchalance and progressive hope and then the retracting of it. (and it keeps happening! but not for lack of trying- the mechanics of the human cerebrum are unfathomable) I wish they had never been collected with the moments to begin with; I wish they could quite successfully be 'eternal sunshine on the spotless mind' wiped away.
But enough of these antics, and I'm sorry for my actions.
I have yet to master the art of letting go, but I will one day.
I know I need to grow up regarding my impulsive childish actions and not allow myself to fall into wallowing emotional self-loathing and thus creating more destruction. (and with all of the stupid executed effects and results that come with it because they surely are just making it all worse) It's all so unnecessary. I need to find a way to trigger my subconscious to really move forward when my conscious mind has already made up its mind, so the unwanted further destruction doesn't keep repeating itself.
I want and need to do away with all destruction/disaster enablers and habits so that I can get my shit together again. The only time I seem to be completely content and gratifyingly in control is when I am entirely sober from everything so it doesn't fuck with my medication. You'd think I would've learned my lessons already. Though I have not been participating in inebriated debauchery much at all anymore. Yet, the age and generation of my youth creeps up on me once in a while. It's a huge conundrum and even bigger dilemma when you're battling demons and skeletons. And being the imperfect and completely flawed person I am, yeah, it is no easy feat. (think I'm asking too much of myself? probably, and I know the whole low self worth and low self esteem thing is because of the whole depression caused from some deep rooted childhood disorder like separation anxiety disorder or some shit thing from environmental interactions- I should probably consult a psychiatrist to find out what exactly I have because it's complicated, but either way, why shouldn't anyone expect the best out of everything?)
I need to gain control of my subconscious the way I have complete control over my conscious self.
Sounds near impossible. (like a jedi mind trick sort of deal huh? lol) Well, I'm actively working on it and checking myself. But all of this self-affirming is just all part of a package deal, a part of a process working towards a greater goal. I have written about it, a long while ago. Yet, I haven't published it for my own reasons, but all in due time.
Despite all of this self-critiquing, I still love who I am. Life is an ever-shaping and improving process of which never ends (I will probably repeat and apply that until the day I die) and I am my own worst worst critic who has high expectation for everything- most of all myself. So there's that haha.
But enough of these antics, and I'm sorry for my actions.
I have yet to master the art of letting go, but I will one day.
I know I need to grow up regarding my impulsive childish actions and not allow myself to fall into wallowing emotional self-loathing and thus creating more destruction. (and with all of the stupid executed effects and results that come with it because they surely are just making it all worse) It's all so unnecessary. I need to find a way to trigger my subconscious to really move forward when my conscious mind has already made up its mind, so the unwanted further destruction doesn't keep repeating itself.
I want and need to do away with all destruction/disaster enablers and habits so that I can get my shit together again. The only time I seem to be completely content and gratifyingly in control is when I am entirely sober from everything so it doesn't fuck with my medication. You'd think I would've learned my lessons already. Though I have not been participating in inebriated debauchery much at all anymore. Yet, the age and generation of my youth creeps up on me once in a while. It's a huge conundrum and even bigger dilemma when you're battling demons and skeletons. And being the imperfect and completely flawed person I am, yeah, it is no easy feat. (think I'm asking too much of myself? probably, and I know the whole low self worth and low self esteem thing is because of the whole depression caused from some deep rooted childhood disorder like separation anxiety disorder or some shit thing from environmental interactions- I should probably consult a psychiatrist to find out what exactly I have because it's complicated, but either way, why shouldn't anyone expect the best out of everything?)
I need to gain control of my subconscious the way I have complete control over my conscious self.
Sounds near impossible. (like a jedi mind trick sort of deal huh? lol) Well, I'm actively working on it and checking myself. But all of this self-affirming is just all part of a package deal, a part of a process working towards a greater goal. I have written about it, a long while ago. Yet, I haven't published it for my own reasons, but all in due time.
Despite all of this self-critiquing, I still love who I am. Life is an ever-shaping and improving process of which never ends (I will probably repeat and apply that until the day I die) and I am my own worst worst critic who has high expectation for everything- most of all myself. So there's that haha.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I'm Not In Love
You guys remember BBMak? Well, I do. I used to love these guys. And plus, who can resist English guys who can sing? Hmm? (:
Don't think that you got me girl
Don't think you can tame me and change me
Don't think that it's all because of you
Just because I don't run around
Just because we're forever together
Don't you think of a four letter word to use
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above, but, girl I'm not in love
Don't think that you got it made
Don't think it's so easy to keep me
Never know it could all just fade away
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above, but, girl I'm not in love
So if my heart just skips a beat
What if I lose a little sleep
Believe me
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right
I'm not in love
Don't think that you got me girl
Don't think you can tame me and change me
Don't think that it's all because of you
Just because I don't run around
Just because we're forever together
Don't you think of a four letter word to use
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above, but, girl I'm not in love
Don't think that you got it made
Don't think it's so easy to keep me
Never know it could all just fade away
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above, but, girl I'm not in love
So if my heart just skips a beat
What if I lose a little sleep
Believe me
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right
I'm not in love
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Soaked Chemistry, Digression, And More Emerged Theorizing
Why is it that when nothing is going on, absolutely nothing is going on. And yet when there is a slight of attraction, a whole deluge floods towards my direction.
It's strange that when there is no further executed interest in me, there is none. And when someone happens to have the smallest inkling of attraction towards me, everyone starts to drift my way like a fly attracted to a black light. This is insane.
But again, I am still not interested in getting involved whatsoever right now. It's been that way for about 8 months, and it's still going strong.
Part of me really just doesn't want to deal with it right now. I want to be selfish and focus what energy and worry spots in my brain I have, to myself. I have learned how to love myself, but I still have yet to learn how to care for my existing being.
I am a high risk klutz, the very epitome of clumsiness and mess. You could say that I am way too careless. And you'd be right. I need to learn how to care for myself. Taking care and caring are two different things. One is the physically active and logical action, while the other is emotional and mental empathy sprinkled with consideration. I need to work on the latter.
Most of the time I just don't really care what happens to me. It's taken a long time for me to realize just that. And it's hard to really understand and accept. It's painstaking to analyze and break down your own way of living because people are always running away from the truth- they never want to hear or see what isn't pleasing. And I am fully flawed, so you can trust that it was definitely quite a feat to bypass my obstinate nature. Startling realization to come to isn't it?
I seem to care what happens to everybody else around me so much that I become protective and motherly, but with my own body, not so much. It just doesn't occur to me, it's like it doesn't even register in my brain to do so.
Growth development for human beings never ends. And it definitely is always a trial and error with me to try and get it right when I usually mess things up to begin with.
I spoke to someone a while ago, catching up, I mentioned how I had been working on myself for the past couple months, figuring out what I want to do- thinking a lot about myself while working through things. And he said, "Oh, so you're still doing that."
Yes, I still am. How could you think that I still wouldn't be? Learning and growing never ends. You should've known better, should've known me better than that.
My search for intellectual expansion is never-ending. It's just such a shame and waste that it isn't like that with most people out there. It's a shame when people just stop at a certain point in life and they remain the same from that time on. Their thirst for emerging innovation through cognizant learning just disappears. It's depressing. The door just closes, willingly.
I hope I never become like that. I hope I will always be trying to become a better me. I hope I will always be striving towards rising mental and emotional development. To me, that's what living is. It isn't just a mere series of physical actions, it's just so much more than that. It's somehow trying to tap into a secret part of your mind and your own true world that you see through your own rose colored glasses. It's the untapping of something so new and refreshing, coming up with completely original thoughts just from picking your own brain or the others of kindred souls.
That is what I live for. It is my special and coveted something that is entirely all of my own. It's what keeps me thriving. The certain knowing and finding out of true self, without all the clouding bullshit this too fast paced and desensitized atmosphere of presently new era enables, finding out that you actually have something that is entirely untouched by the corruption of the new century. And the exalted reaping satisfaction of the possessed notion that this unconditional passion transmits to your bodily existence.
You cannot begin to fully make anything right or make anyone happy, you can't start anything and fully succeed gloriously, without the full confidence of understanding and learning of your independent self. You first need to find out what makes you thirst, what satiates it, what makes you happy, without any external factors, before you can immaculately accomplish the dream. Your dream. It's our lives and up to us how we choose to maneuver what every realm of the universe has to offer and how to essentially really live.
It's strange that when there is no further executed interest in me, there is none. And when someone happens to have the smallest inkling of attraction towards me, everyone starts to drift my way like a fly attracted to a black light. This is insane.
But again, I am still not interested in getting involved whatsoever right now. It's been that way for about 8 months, and it's still going strong.
Part of me really just doesn't want to deal with it right now. I want to be selfish and focus what energy and worry spots in my brain I have, to myself. I have learned how to love myself, but I still have yet to learn how to care for my existing being.
I am a high risk klutz, the very epitome of clumsiness and mess. You could say that I am way too careless. And you'd be right. I need to learn how to care for myself. Taking care and caring are two different things. One is the physically active and logical action, while the other is emotional and mental empathy sprinkled with consideration. I need to work on the latter.
Most of the time I just don't really care what happens to me. It's taken a long time for me to realize just that. And it's hard to really understand and accept. It's painstaking to analyze and break down your own way of living because people are always running away from the truth- they never want to hear or see what isn't pleasing. And I am fully flawed, so you can trust that it was definitely quite a feat to bypass my obstinate nature. Startling realization to come to isn't it?
I seem to care what happens to everybody else around me so much that I become protective and motherly, but with my own body, not so much. It just doesn't occur to me, it's like it doesn't even register in my brain to do so.
Growth development for human beings never ends. And it definitely is always a trial and error with me to try and get it right when I usually mess things up to begin with.
I spoke to someone a while ago, catching up, I mentioned how I had been working on myself for the past couple months, figuring out what I want to do- thinking a lot about myself while working through things. And he said, "Oh, so you're still doing that."
Yes, I still am. How could you think that I still wouldn't be? Learning and growing never ends. You should've known better, should've known me better than that.
My search for intellectual expansion is never-ending. It's just such a shame and waste that it isn't like that with most people out there. It's a shame when people just stop at a certain point in life and they remain the same from that time on. Their thirst for emerging innovation through cognizant learning just disappears. It's depressing. The door just closes, willingly.
I hope I never become like that. I hope I will always be trying to become a better me. I hope I will always be striving towards rising mental and emotional development. To me, that's what living is. It isn't just a mere series of physical actions, it's just so much more than that. It's somehow trying to tap into a secret part of your mind and your own true world that you see through your own rose colored glasses. It's the untapping of something so new and refreshing, coming up with completely original thoughts just from picking your own brain or the others of kindred souls.
That is what I live for. It is my special and coveted something that is entirely all of my own. It's what keeps me thriving. The certain knowing and finding out of true self, without all the clouding bullshit this too fast paced and desensitized atmosphere of presently new era enables, finding out that you actually have something that is entirely untouched by the corruption of the new century. And the exalted reaping satisfaction of the possessed notion that this unconditional passion transmits to your bodily existence.
You cannot begin to fully make anything right or make anyone happy, you can't start anything and fully succeed gloriously, without the full confidence of understanding and learning of your independent self. You first need to find out what makes you thirst, what satiates it, what makes you happy, without any external factors, before you can immaculately accomplish the dream. Your dream. It's our lives and up to us how we choose to maneuver what every realm of the universe has to offer and how to essentially really live.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Shortness
I know it will pass, but right now I feel like I'm suffocating. Fucking make it all stop. My head, my chest.
I figured out why cutting makes me feel better. It's a physical and metaphorical catharsis. It's like a literal action of letting all the pressure out and flow away. God, I miss it. I want to quit life. No idiots, I don't want to die, I just want to stop time. It's all too much. Fucking every day man, always on my fucking case. Just shut up.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Biology And Engineering
I don't know why, but I always seem to feel so much better after the gym. It's like all the pent up pressure in my chest manages to dissipate to just a light fog afterwards. It's probably, definitely, the natural release of endorphines one's body produces after being active and a increased heart rate. But let's not get all scientifically technical here haha.
Anyway, it just seems to calm me down. I try and go every day, but that's rough because therr isn't enough hours in a day. So, at least 3-4 times a week is the ideal quota.
I find it incredible what the process does to me, even just a day or two not having exercised, and I become fitful and moody. Haha, I become rather an unpleasant and hyper-sensitive person who just snaps at people for no reason. Yeah, I feel bad about that once I've come to my senses, but at the time- these violent bursts of emotions cannot be explained.
I sometimes really wish I were normal. Because what most people don't understand is, every day, every moment, is a struggle. For me, for people who have these bodily imbalances/disorders, it's not something we ever wanted for ourselves. I wouldn't wish this on anybody else. It's not something we chose or invented, more so, it chose us through evolution and biology. And we'll never know specifically why.
There's emotionally ill, and there is mentally ill. Combined, they feed off one another to survive and thrive. They aren't apart for me. The ingenius teamwork causes everything else to escalate out of control. If it were only just emotional trauma and not my brain causing everything, then I might actually have a standing chance.
Yes, there is therapy, medication, and aid as well as other options I suppose, but it's different for every person. You can rationalize and understand, break down and analyze as much as you want or can, but ultimately there's honestly no naturally physical way of preventing the emergence of constant erratic emotional moods.
I just really wish more normal lucky, haha yet daft, people knew that though, so they would attain the ability to understand where we're coming from a lot better.
I'm even trying to break it down and understand the biology of it myself, but even the strongest mentalities and will powers can't suffice explanation or prevention for these unbearable and often quite self-annoying sentiments.
They just happen. Some think that it's something that can be cured, and if you're one of lucky ones, quite possibly you just may be cured (and of course there are so many diverse cases), but I personally don't think it is something of which can so easily be labeled as curable. At least in my case and category.
It isn't something that just goes away forever. It's a biologically recurring disease that knows no bounds or expectations. It's like cancer, but for the mind and soul. Lol, yes, I just compared it to cancer. But truth be told, they're one and the same to me (haha, err.. sort of, well you know what I mean)- they're on the same level of damage, scariness, reparation, and unpredictability.
It's part of who I am, it's something that was added in to my DNA as I was being randomly pieced together and chromosomally engineered. It's something that I have always had ever since I was created. I don't remember a time not feeling a slight bit of something from this havoc zone. It's just now more pronounced since I am an adult now and I am able to understand things better than when I was a child.
Flashback. Lol, god, what sometimes astounds me is the image of me in 3rd grade, partaking in self-mutilation. I was so sheltered (still sort of am) I didn't even understand the reason behind my executions, I just knew it made me feel better afterwards, it gave me relief. As a kid, you only take and understand things from face/surface value.
Looking back and trying to understand and rationalize, it isn't the first time I have tried to get to the bottom of it all, thinking there might really be a cure, that if I found the root, it could all just disappear if I worked through it enough, but that was a long time ago, and I don't do that anymore. Now my past just astounds me to no end. I was so naive; I consciously had no clue whatsoever about anything going on in me.
I have gone over every part of my life, over and over in my head, and I understand the reasons behind the actions and executions. I understand the why behind the why I act the way I do and have done. But knowing all that, just like therapy and talking everything out supposidly trying to soak up any ounce of 'help' with hopes to 'get better', so what? So what, I know- all that talking and thinking still doesn't make a bit of difference. I am still me. I have worked through everything, understood it, evolved, and come out on top; yet, I am still me. My biological make up is still the same.
Medication is finally working, but I still have my downs, they haven't disappeared. I don't suppose they ever will, and I don't see how I could ever not be on medication now that I know how much it amazingly helps to steady me and make me more pleasant. I don't see how I can naturally re-balance myself if that is just how my physical body is in its natural state. I don't see how I can ever live my life naturally without hinderance.
But, I do know that I love who and what I am entirely. Haha I know, finally right? But I do need to learn to acquire more patience in life. So, there's that. Cheers lovers. <3
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Heavy Exhaust
I'm so tired of taking care of everyone. I'm sorry, I don't mean to complain, but I do need an outlet, and this is mine.
It's all just so utterly exhausting, always taking care of everyone. I don't know how my mother does it, before I was old enough to help out, it seems like she does everything for everyone. My obligations and responsibilities are only a fraction of what hers are. It's such a heavy obligation. I literally feel like there's just a huge weight on my shoulders that just really does physically weigh me down. And I still consider myself to be quite sheltered to the ways of the world. There is so much I don't know, and I hate that. I hate that I can't protect myself from that.
Slowly but surely, I realize as I am getting older, more tasks are being pushed towards me. And course, it's as it should be, the older you become, the more you're supposed to be responsible for. But it really just gets to me sometimes. I spoke a long time ago about invisible yet very strongly bound strings that tie a person to life long obligations, it just gets to me from time to time. It gets to me at times so much that I am beginning to realize more and more just how precious space and personal solitude is. And of course, my brother who is 5 years older than me doesn't do shit to help out the family at all.
There's just me. Since when did the youngest become the one to have to take care of everyone?
I've been taking care of myself my entire life. My brother's never taken care of me, and my parents have never been around because they were busy working, trying to create a better life for us. Then now I take care of all my friends out of unconditional love and I try and care for my brother when he's around too. The thing is, people would say, "then why don't you just stop?" But that's the thing, I just do it naturally and habitually. It isn't as if I am trying to take care of everyone, it just happens- I just easily fall into the mold. Maybe it has something to do with Virgos being natural nurturers, but I wasn't kidding when I said it can mess with a person's mind because I often find myself not caring about myself at all, and only having concern for others. I am a big protector. I like to protect those I care about. And yeah, I can't help that it's like that. It's just how I'm made.
I guess it may be the natural empathy being exposed too, if I don't take care of them, who will? And who am I not to care for them, what kind of person would I be if I just let my friends or loved ones get themselves into really troubled messes, when I know I could've helped them to begin with so it all could've been prevented? And don't get me wrong, it isn't the meddling kind of 'help', I do not meddle or stick my nose and voice in to things that do not concern me. In fact, I let people do what they want because it is their life, and if they need me, they know how to find me and I will definitely try my best to be there for them. But anything else, just isn't my business or problem. I accept people for who they are, unless they're being really fucked up towards people, myself included- that's just not cool, ever. We're at an age where you should be able to make your own life choices and take full responsibility for your extended actions. I don't know, I just treat people how I would like to be treated. But everyone is different and to each their own. Yet, people will treat you how you let them treat you. So if you allow them to treat you like shit, then that's something you'll have to work out on your own. It's up to you to accept and understand your self worth, and it's something I've been working on as well. So no judgment about that here.
And now, I am being introduced to the world of taking care of my grandparents as well, even though they have 4 children, my aunts and uncles- not including their spouses, yet, the responsibility still rests on me- at least, it is beginning to really rest on me. I am beginning to be introduced to all their paperwork. So now it's not only helping to handle my mothers legal matters, client correspondence, renter's Home Association crap, and other things, but also, aiding my grandparents in their Naturalization process, Medical plans, Jury Duty, and etc. To be honest, I don't mind. Having familial piety and duty comes with the territory of a Chinese/Taiwanese first generation daughter. But, it does become suffocating sometimes. Sometimes I feel like these invisible walls are slowly caving in on me and that I have a hard time breathing. I already worry about too much to begin with, and now growing up and being a young adult comes with a whole other package to handle and overcome. Sometimes it is just so tough, I don't know if I can do it.
You'll ask me, "Don't know if you can do what?" Well, it's a simple answer, I don't know if I can keep living and growing older when everything just becomes more and more unraveled and hectic with hard pressed obligatory responsibilities. It makes me feel like crying when I allow myself to just let it engulf me. It's almost too much to bear. There is so much pressure and so many worrisome things just contiguously hovering over my head.
I feel, I am only 23 years old, I'm not grown up enough for this yet. Yet anyone else would say that you're old enough now. It's daunting. But you press on right? Because there's nothing else you can do. And you have to make it in life because there is no other option. Yet, all I want to do is move away and start all over. But with every action there is a reaction because everything in life is so closely intertwined with traditional values, ideologies and generational gaps. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems, though I wish it were. And after all this, the only thing you really can do is to keep on breathing, because quitting is for cowards.
It's all just so utterly exhausting, always taking care of everyone. I don't know how my mother does it, before I was old enough to help out, it seems like she does everything for everyone. My obligations and responsibilities are only a fraction of what hers are. It's such a heavy obligation. I literally feel like there's just a huge weight on my shoulders that just really does physically weigh me down. And I still consider myself to be quite sheltered to the ways of the world. There is so much I don't know, and I hate that. I hate that I can't protect myself from that.
Slowly but surely, I realize as I am getting older, more tasks are being pushed towards me. And course, it's as it should be, the older you become, the more you're supposed to be responsible for. But it really just gets to me sometimes. I spoke a long time ago about invisible yet very strongly bound strings that tie a person to life long obligations, it just gets to me from time to time. It gets to me at times so much that I am beginning to realize more and more just how precious space and personal solitude is. And of course, my brother who is 5 years older than me doesn't do shit to help out the family at all.
There's just me. Since when did the youngest become the one to have to take care of everyone?
I've been taking care of myself my entire life. My brother's never taken care of me, and my parents have never been around because they were busy working, trying to create a better life for us. Then now I take care of all my friends out of unconditional love and I try and care for my brother when he's around too. The thing is, people would say, "then why don't you just stop?" But that's the thing, I just do it naturally and habitually. It isn't as if I am trying to take care of everyone, it just happens- I just easily fall into the mold. Maybe it has something to do with Virgos being natural nurturers, but I wasn't kidding when I said it can mess with a person's mind because I often find myself not caring about myself at all, and only having concern for others. I am a big protector. I like to protect those I care about. And yeah, I can't help that it's like that. It's just how I'm made.
I guess it may be the natural empathy being exposed too, if I don't take care of them, who will? And who am I not to care for them, what kind of person would I be if I just let my friends or loved ones get themselves into really troubled messes, when I know I could've helped them to begin with so it all could've been prevented? And don't get me wrong, it isn't the meddling kind of 'help', I do not meddle or stick my nose and voice in to things that do not concern me. In fact, I let people do what they want because it is their life, and if they need me, they know how to find me and I will definitely try my best to be there for them. But anything else, just isn't my business or problem. I accept people for who they are, unless they're being really fucked up towards people, myself included- that's just not cool, ever. We're at an age where you should be able to make your own life choices and take full responsibility for your extended actions. I don't know, I just treat people how I would like to be treated. But everyone is different and to each their own. Yet, people will treat you how you let them treat you. So if you allow them to treat you like shit, then that's something you'll have to work out on your own. It's up to you to accept and understand your self worth, and it's something I've been working on as well. So no judgment about that here.
And now, I am being introduced to the world of taking care of my grandparents as well, even though they have 4 children, my aunts and uncles- not including their spouses, yet, the responsibility still rests on me- at least, it is beginning to really rest on me. I am beginning to be introduced to all their paperwork. So now it's not only helping to handle my mothers legal matters, client correspondence, renter's Home Association crap, and other things, but also, aiding my grandparents in their Naturalization process, Medical plans, Jury Duty, and etc. To be honest, I don't mind. Having familial piety and duty comes with the territory of a Chinese/Taiwanese first generation daughter. But, it does become suffocating sometimes. Sometimes I feel like these invisible walls are slowly caving in on me and that I have a hard time breathing. I already worry about too much to begin with, and now growing up and being a young adult comes with a whole other package to handle and overcome. Sometimes it is just so tough, I don't know if I can do it.
You'll ask me, "Don't know if you can do what?" Well, it's a simple answer, I don't know if I can keep living and growing older when everything just becomes more and more unraveled and hectic with hard pressed obligatory responsibilities. It makes me feel like crying when I allow myself to just let it engulf me. It's almost too much to bear. There is so much pressure and so many worrisome things just contiguously hovering over my head.
I feel, I am only 23 years old, I'm not grown up enough for this yet. Yet anyone else would say that you're old enough now. It's daunting. But you press on right? Because there's nothing else you can do. And you have to make it in life because there is no other option. Yet, all I want to do is move away and start all over. But with every action there is a reaction because everything in life is so closely intertwined with traditional values, ideologies and generational gaps. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems, though I wish it were. And after all this, the only thing you really can do is to keep on breathing, because quitting is for cowards.
Looking Glass
To be honest, I don't see what guys see in me. I know inside, my personality is a positive one, my thoughts, outlook, and actions may be beautiful, but outside, I just don't see it. I am so flawed. I don't think I am beautiful, I'm good looking, but I don't think I am remotely, naturally pretty. My mother said it herself, "You're not pretty, you're good looking." There's a difference, anyone can be good looking just by the way they present and polish themselves, but to be naturally beautiful, that takes evolution and naturally selected features.
I know I'm cute and good looking, but, I don't know why, I honestly just don't see it. I have a good body, but anyone can achieve that with hard work and dedication. I don't see why people would say I'm pretty or beautiful. My features are all of my own that are not don't fit into the stereotypical categories and labels of what are considered to be beautiful. Beside a typically typed girl with stereotyped features, I think anyone would choose them over me every time.
Yeah, you will say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that you just have to be confident in yourself. But, I am just being realistically honest here and stating mere observational facts. And I think self esteem and self confidence are two different entities as well. Anyone can scrounge up the courage to be confident, but self esteem? I feel it's something built in us from birth, it's innate.
I don't know, I have days where I think I am pretty, and others, I'm not sure. There are pretty people who truly and wholeheartedly believe that are so beautiful, because most of the time it's true, but me? And then there are sometimes where some people think someone is pretty and then I don't and the ones I think are, others don't think so. I don't know. My features are so not typical, but they are my own. I just wonder what it would feel like to be truly beautiful though. You may say beauty is subjective, and it is, but other times, natural selection and survival of the fittest is already so ingrained in our DNA that it doesn't seem like it at all. That's why most things in life are objective. I guess that will always be a constant.
I know I'm cute and good looking, but, I don't know why, I honestly just don't see it. I have a good body, but anyone can achieve that with hard work and dedication. I don't see why people would say I'm pretty or beautiful. My features are all of my own that are not don't fit into the stereotypical categories and labels of what are considered to be beautiful. Beside a typically typed girl with stereotyped features, I think anyone would choose them over me every time.
Yeah, you will say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that you just have to be confident in yourself. But, I am just being realistically honest here and stating mere observational facts. And I think self esteem and self confidence are two different entities as well. Anyone can scrounge up the courage to be confident, but self esteem? I feel it's something built in us from birth, it's innate.
I don't know, I have days where I think I am pretty, and others, I'm not sure. There are pretty people who truly and wholeheartedly believe that are so beautiful, because most of the time it's true, but me? And then there are sometimes where some people think someone is pretty and then I don't and the ones I think are, others don't think so. I don't know. My features are so not typical, but they are my own. I just wonder what it would feel like to be truly beautiful though. You may say beauty is subjective, and it is, but other times, natural selection and survival of the fittest is already so ingrained in our DNA that it doesn't seem like it at all. That's why most things in life are objective. I guess that will always be a constant.
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