God, listen to me, I seemed to have became an insane and obsessed, overtly imaginative, incredibly naive and stupid person; one who has not only run away with fictional thoughts, but also, who wholeheartedly came to believe in her skewed perceptions. A girl who is the epitome of what people literally call to be in the category of the 'crazy ones', you know, the ones people warn about. Do you think that's actually who I really am? That I just can't see it for myself?

I let the broken girl from childhood come out, when I should've never revealed her to begin with. It made me insecure and unsteady when I am already both. I opened up a huge motherfucking can of the worst worms. The Pandora's friggen box of bombs and exploding chaos. Bad shit happens when you let your defenses down, but how can you really live without doing so? Either way, you can't win.

I hate that. I hate that there's this other part of me that became (or is?) as such. I feel like I also suffocate myself. I get so sick of everything, even my own thoughts, might explain the split persona. Maybe that's why I would rather be asleep than awake most of the time, yet there's never enough time for slumber.

The fact that I have even dedicated so much of my space to this is at times unfathomable to me, not to mention absolutely absurd in regards to the spectrum of who I normally am. I'm usually a well pragmatic and logical person, so how did this other persona, this alter-ego emerge? Even to me, it sounds so pathetic and albeit, and unfortunately, clingy. That's the worst. How did I become this person? Is this who I really am? Maybe I am completely different from who I think I am. Boy does that open up the topic of psychoanalysis to discussion.

I don't want to always explain myself anymore. I need to get rid of the need to gain approval from everyone (incredible how much a screwy childhood fucks you up as an adult right? shit stays with you for life). I've narrowed it down 50%, but the other half needs to go. It's a huge crutch. I am who I am- unstable and insecure, simultaneous self-loathing and self-loving, and the crazy, backhanded capriciousness or not. I've been embracing and learning to continue to do so with every facet and fiber of my body.

But it's not happening quickly enough. I've been so sick of this back and forthing for the past couple years that it actually makes feel like throwing up from the self-disgust of it all. The constant repetition of thoughts is exhausting, I can't imagine those who have read this can be able to continue reading it either. I feel like all this repetitive trial and error/failure has created this thick cloud that will never dissipate, but will only continue to choke my lungs. I don't know whether to cry or take it out on something else, or what. Because either way, it's always there.

Okay yeah, maybe a psychologist may help, but the problem isn't what I don't know, 'cause I already know all that, the problem is what to do about it all to retain the grasp on life. If I don't know what to do about it, then how is reiterating everything that has circulated my mind for years going to help? I've been trying to get past all this crap for years and everything still haunts me. How do you in fact let everything go? Is that even possible? I actively try and put everything behind me, and yet failures have been inevitable. I get so tired of never giving up, but it isn't in my stubborn and independent nature to succumb. But it all sure is draining. Maybe that's why I'm always constantly fatigued no matter how much sleep I do or don't get.

Do you think it's true, that love makes people weak? (you know, the whole '7 days without you makes one [weak]' thing) I'm beginning to. How else would I be so completely flawed? The heart on my sleeve doesn't belong to me, it belongs to everyone else.