Cold Glistening Metal

Yeah, so this has been coming on for quite some time now but I have prolonged my documenting of it until now.

All I ever want to do now is just lie in my bed with the covers over my head and crawl up into a little ball and will myself to sleep (that is when my insomnia doesn't choose to take over) to dream on of a continuous bliss that is so absent from my everyday life.

I don't care about anything and I don't want to do anything. I seriously barely care about my friends. I know that sounds really bad, but it's the truth and you would be able to understand if you knew where I was coming from and what has made me feel the way I do. I really couldn't care less right now and feel that I am being forced to do what I really don't want to do only out of mere appeasement for them. When, I really don't care.

Everything irritates me and I find myself just frustrated with mankind when I do choose to join in festivities. Dumb people are annoying and I have said it so many times before; I feel like I am surrounded by stupid people all the time. And to add to that, I am so sick of people who create dramatic stirs for no reason apparent reason.

And I am sick of myself for always being the nice person and putting up with all of that shit. I am sick of letting myself get treated like shit all the time. It's like I never learn my lesson and I just repeated allow people to project their own blame onto me. When it is really they who have the problem with their own insecurities and anger. It doesn't involve my life and so therefore it's not my problem.

I am exhausted by people.
I really don't care whether or not I see anyone's faces let alone have to scrounge up the energy to please them because they feel neglected.

I don't want to go out anymore or do anything, yet people don't seem to understand that and then have the nerve to be stupid and thus bitch about my willed disappearance. They try to coax me into coming out and partaking in "joyous" events, when I don't care for my appearance.

And I hate that I find myself taking the time to actually try to show a false care for it all when I really don't.

I am going through a major slump right now that no amount of explaining seems to be justifiable to them.

The worst part is that I know I will continue to feign effort and have to immerse myself into the public, as much as I really don't want to, because my all too empathetic nature and innate caring personality (though I try to disregard and fight it) makes me unable to fully be the bitch and jackass I really want to become.

And I am really just sick of doing stupid shit all of the time. I am only interested in moving forward and this stagnant state of perpetual binge drinking and observing of drunken debauchery is becoming way too tedious for me to bear. I am sick of being surrounded by drama. Maybe my mind is just maturing too quickly for my own good, but I just don't want to do it anymore.

So, back to my grey demeanor.
What I really want to be doing, though have been fighting the urge each passing day as the moments go through me, is taking the coolness of a beautiful blade and gliding it across my skin so that I may feel the very rawness of sensation and thrill I get from the produced chemicals in my brain. So that I may feel those very sensations radiate throughout my body to lift me up into a numbed elation. (Don't worry, I have been a good girl and have not been indulging in the pure satisfaction of self mutilation, you all should be so proud)

I feel like I really am back to living through my life as each hour passes. And the thing is, I feel I am so numb, that I really don't mind. In fact, I rather savor the pleasure I get from being alone with no one to demand anything from me. I am so sick of always being the independent one who is responsible of everything else. I am so sick of having to put up with other people and other issues.

I guess that explains my need to be so reclusive with my life. I rather prefer shutting everything out.

And the thing is, this sunken and grave awareness exists now more than ever when I am sober. It used to only become triggered by intoxication, now it's invading my dry sanity. So it isn't as if something as pointless as alcohol is to blame nor is it the cure either.

I just wish people would just understand my crazy and damaged feelings and frustrations about life and people and just leave me alone without having to act senseless and bitch and whine about it because I'll make my way back eventually. I always do. And if they were the real friends they claim to be, they would understand that and still be there when I get back.

Remember Me

Okay, so I just finished watching the movie Remember Me online. And I have got to tell you, I was absolutely blown away by how good it was. I still have chills and I am still completely left awestruck.

It was absolutely amazing. I mean I am a huge sucker for bad movies, but this one, not bad at all. I barely even have words to describe just how good it was.

I was utterly blown away by Robert Pattinson's performance. And I'm not just saying this because he's hot, but seriously he needs to be doing more serious roles like this. I have just fallen in love with the character he plays. Entirely astonishing and incandescently brilliant.

I think this movie is going to have to be added to that handful of movies that I can just watch over and over again out of sheer satisfying comfort.

You know when you see a really good movie that leaves you stunned for a good while after?

Yeah, exactly.

The Nonexistents

You know, for a while I have been really trying to pinpoint what it is I am exactly trying to say about this feeling of wanting to cry out of a longing I have been overwhelmed with.

The desire to revert back to a blissful childhood that was never really tangibly there; only in my own emotional fantasy world.
The incredible want for the perfectly packaged too good to be true guy.
And then I realize,

I'm craving for entities that don't seem to exist.

Maybe I should seriously execute the plan to get some pills for my craziness.

"I Can't Handle How The Hell It Happens Everyday"

Damn, I seriously love Everclear and this song.

Learning How To Smile

Five miles outside of Vegas when we broke down
Threw my keys inside the window and we never looked back
Got all drunk and sloppy on a greyhound bus
We passed out, all them losers they were laughing at us
I will never let them break your heart
No I will never let them break me

We got lost in Phoenix, seemed like such a long time
Seven months of living swimming on those thin white lines
Did some time for selling acid to the wrong guy
Life just keeps on getting smaller and we never ask why

Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
I'm just learning how to smile
That's not easy to do
I know there will come a day
When we can leave and just go running away

We was broke outside of Philly when the storms came
I was working in New Jersey, hitching rides in the rain
You was happy talking dirty at that phone sex place
Life just keeps on getting weirder for us every day

You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true
We are just learning how to smile
That's not easy to do
We both live for the day
When we can run away

Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
We can leave it all behind like we do every time
Yes we both live for the day
When we can leave and just go running away

No I will never let it break your heart
No I will never let it break me

Five miles outside of Vegas, five years down the line
We got married in the desert and the sunshine
I can't handle how the hell it happens every day
When you smile and touch my face
You make it all just go away

Yes I know there ain't no finish line, I know this never ends
But I'm just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
We are just learning how to live together, me and you
You know I live for the day
When you say 'baby let's just run away'

Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
Baby we can leave and run away
We can leave this place and run away

Fucking Revolutions

So I think it's happening again. No, actually I know it is happening again.

Everything runs in cycles and sometimes it can seriously get tedious and quite annoying for a person who only wants to move forward and never be in the same place twice.

But, everything is a repeat of itself in one form or another which spurns chain reflected chain reactions that feed off of each other. And as much as we try to reason and counter against that very veracity, it is horribly true.

So subsequently, I am back to feeling an all too familiar emotion of clouded and confused sadness that is mixed in with a hurt longing for things that are beyond my grasp. Things that I want out of comfort for my damaged soul.

Two things that I have been craving all too strongly lately.

One:

I compulsively yet unconsciously decided to sort through my childhood last night (or I guess you could say this week and the previous) with the guilty pleasures of entertainments that evoke the warm and fuzzies of nostalgia.

You know, the feeling of the moments where things were just so much simpler and innocent. The more as time passes, the more the reality of knowledge becoming more dangerous to humanity is revealed to be completely valid. The fact that now I am old enough to psychoanalyze myself and the issues that I have been through has allowed me to understand all of my unfortunate past in a way that causes me to settle in an entirely grey culmination of this dark and twisty place that I have let fully consume me.

It is completely contradictory.
I have been having the strong desire of wanting to have my childhood back. I have been wanting to return back to the time when I wasn't capable of understanding the detriment that I had be unknowingly subjected to.

Yes, I have had the desire to go back into the past. But then I realize the occurrences that have happened are not really quite pleasant and desirable.

It is really the ignorance and obliviousness that I crave rather than the hurtful mental and emotional altering events that have passed.

I don't really think I want my childhood back as I may seemed to have thought, but I do want the times where I wasn't so aware of my own dreary existence and distorted torment.

Two:
I really crave real love. You know, the unconditional kind.

I've said it before, and I bet I will probably keep saying it until it becomes true. Though sadly, I fear that it never will find lasting happiness and that I really will end up like those crazy single 40 year old women who drown themselves in their own bereavement with alcohol, books, and self mutilation. (Oh wait, don't I already do that?)

As pathetic as I feel when I admit things such as this, at night I crave arms that will engulf me entirely so that the void I feel in my chest will fill up with hope and happiness rather than send me through the cycles of despair I seem to can't help but be attracted to.

I want the dream. I want perfection. I want the perfect man. I want it all.

I really am quite sick of my depressing eternal reflexive cycle of dissatisfied life I am so utterly stuck in. Even talking about it seems to be self-irritating. Cheers motherfuckers.

MJ

Okay, so I'm still really sad that Michael Jackson is gone..

I have said this probably every time I have encountered his music or videos in the public media or in the privacy of my own collection. (Okay, so I have said it a countless number of times since his unfortunate passing) I still cannot believe it sometimes.

I grew up watching him on the television and listening to his music from the early 90's til the end of his legacy. I can honestly say that I seriously love his music. Whenever he was or is on screen (with the loveliness of his This Is It material) I just can't take my eyes away from his presence. His dance moves and his professionally flawless gestures was spellbinding. He was a music and dance god. Not to be vulgar, but he was so sexy too. A pure perfectionist that made it all work.

I don't normally become affected by the passing of celebrities for I know that I personally did not know them despite my preference in their works, but MJ is that important that I wanted to focus an entry on him.

Let's Do A Third Eh?

I am so sick of the majority of people in the world who are so completely unaware of how they really are. You know, the ones that think they know, but really they don't because they have never had the fucking balls to look at themselves from a different perspective because of fear of seeing themselves in any other way but in a positive light. I mean I definitely am not saying I am perfect, since I am so completely flawed, but at least I am open-minded enough to consider another perspective even if I might not like it.

Everything is such bullshit and I am so sick of it.
This is why I choose to hermit so often and actually prefer and enjoy being alone.

When I am alone, I don't have to put up with or deal with anyone else I don't want to. I see dealing with it all as such a waste. I see these people and I think, what a waste. What a waste of a potential being/soul for the true world and goodness that is and can only be revealed to us in small glimmers. I guess it's only shown to us in small doses or else like everything else in the world, we would take it for granted.

But it doesn't help the fact that I personally would like to see more of it so that I can remain hopeful. Hopeful for something so much more than the cruel existence life seems to exude on everyone and everything it touches. The trust in a better something so we all don't feel like its all been for nothing. (Huh, look at that? Haha, how's that for a small bit of enlightenment?)

Another Go

Okay so I've speculated about this topic before, and I suppose that I will continuously remain to do so until I fall into the menopausal category.

I really really really hate how as a female grows older, the hormone fluctuations and PMS intensifies. I mean I really hate how idiot males at many times will resort to being inconsiderate, immature, and ignorant to label a woman's behavior on PMS as a means to blame any inconsistency that is the slightest bit unpleasant to them because they themselves cannot hack it when times it rough. It's so utterly stupid.

But to be honest, us girls often do not have control over how we feel because our cycles often are immersed in fluctuating hormones in our cyclic patterns. It's obvious that males do not understand this or cannot even begin to comprehend this situation because they have just been so lucky as to have been biologically given a steady stream of hormones that, if I may say so, are the very opposite of female cycles.

The point is, I always know just when I am about to be bestowed my monthly gift or curse however you choose to label it. I always know because the previous week before (that's 7 days), I always get irritated by the slightest bit of ANYTHING. Seriously, ANYTHING will just turn me into a dark mood that is completely annoyed by anything and everything. Often times I feel bad for the people who have to put up with it, especially my parents. I feel especially bad for my parents because they are the people I use my powers of tolerance on a daily basis who I cannot block out of my life as I do with everyone else I choose to filter out out of my own preference. And so when my PMS starts to work its magic on me, sometimes it is so hard to play the dutiful daughter role and be silent while taking their constant nagging and criticism. And sometimes I do guiltily blow up from time to time while feeling terrible about it after. But it happens and you move on.

I just really hate it. I mean it is worse enough having a cycle that continuously fluctuates and tries to re-balance itself. And once is gets back to balance, it only changes again. I mean, us girls can't catch a friggen break! I mean it is slightly comedic as I cannot believe I am discussing this subject and it is almost ridiculous, but I really do hate how inconsistent it makes me. It fucks with our minds and emotions.

I mean, I am already inconsistent enough as it is. And this only makes me crazier. Perfect right? Not really.

I don't even know what I am talking about and this entry seriously lacks its luster and my usual standard of okay after much scrutiny. I guess I haven't really had the privilege of being enlightened much lately or have been lucky enough to come across some sort of transcendence. Truth be told, I have been feeling rather grey lately. Blah.

New

I just wanted to post a new entry so that I don't have to have the previous one cloud the overall vibe of my blog/words/sentiments that embody me. You know, so that isn't the entry I have to look at every time I stop by my blog to gain access to the blogging community. This entry has the purpose of countering the bad vibes of the instance I wish I had never put myself through. Cheers.

Just wanted to say again.
I'm so over it. Thank god I never have to see you again and thus making it so that I never have to be nice and put up with you ever again.

Pure Concluded Stupidity

You hurt me today. And I swore I would never let you do that again. Way to ruin one of the days that should have been the brightest and most happiest for June 12th and 6pm was my graduation ceremony from my university in undergraduate studies in English.
But alas, we all know shit happens. Things that are way beyond your control and things that you are unable to prevent.

You even made me slightly cry tonight. And I never cry.
You live in such a charmed life that nothing bad has ever happened to you. Thus making it so that you cannot even begin to understand the depth some people are made of and have acquired through the damage that has been done to them.

Why are people like that? How can they just judge and manage to hurt a person such as I who has so much passion and compassion for life and people. How can you be so that just judges and never thinks yourself to be wrong even though you have been brought up in such a skewed world that has seen no turmoil or hurt.

Furthermore, how can you have just judge and questioned something that I consider to make up part of the very core of my being and not feel any sort of empathy for unnerving me? How can you been so heartless and call me false for something that I have such passion for. Calling me fake and evasive. Evasive is true, but you couldn't even begin to understand why. And what kills me is that you have never tried to understand. And what kills me the most is the great potential that you have within yourself to be so much more and so much of a better person in terms of morality and humanity than the jaded person you are now.
It's the fact that people refuse to even become remotely open-minded to consider even the possibility that things might not just be one sided.

I hate that people fail to live up to expectations. Yes, why should they? But again, how can people be so unethical. I still cannot fathom how people can be so cruel and heartless without it weighing on their conscience. (For I know I have a heavily sunken conscience raked with guilt on a day to day basis that makes me want to so right with the world)

You said that if I were really the way I lived my life, then I would not care so much.
But the part of me that does care so much makes up who I am. It makes me the compassionate and passionate person I am and live up to everyday because what is life without passion and empathy? What is life without the true world? What is life without the faith and belief that things can be so much more than the cruel existence life presents every day.

I do hate how I always seem to let people in and give them an infinite number of chances regardless of how they have treated me and made me feel. I hate how I am so forgiving. And I really hate how I cannot help but be a good person.

If it were really that, then I fear the person I would have been.
I fear the even more dark and twisted person I could have become.

But you know what? You're so not worth it.

Unfathomable

I really don't get it.

I know I fall for all the wrong guys. You know, all the unavailable good ones.

But, I don't get it. My drunken stupor had given me some liquid courage and I thought I had subtly made my intentions clear without being too vulgar or too forward. And I could have sworn you had felt the same way as I had at the moment.

You even had taken up my offer to still "hang out" and "chill" meaning rile up some friendly banter and conversation. That was all we seemed to have both desired. You consented to me calling you after I had dropped off my friend at her place. I called you, then you told me you were tired, while making a sandwich to consume and ultimately wanted to call it a night. I gave off a nonchalant air and went with it.

I know how the game goes, I know how things go with my unlucky luck. I know how things never go right in my life. So I accepted it. I was bummed and wanted to cry, but strangely enough nothing even remotely came out in my sentiments as to the same effect as how I usually want to cry (even though my physiological wiring tells us otherwise).

Then, on my way home, you called.
Weird.
Very strange.
You called me to ask for a remedy to cure hiccups.
Seriously?
What the fuck is that all about?
And I simply reiterated a solution and had bid you goodnight as you had the same as well as wishing me a safe drive home.
And that was that.

Seriously, what the fuck was that all about?
Who the fuck calls to ask for a remedy for hiccups?
Even if one is drunk or restricted to many other social factors.

What the hell was that?
Ugh what the hell am I doing?
What the hell was he doing?

What the hell was that?

Life Updated

Okay, so I don't really feel like blogging right now, but with so much going on, I figured I just wanted to archive it as a way to remember it all. (You know, including the feelings and everything)

So, I am graduating soon. On this coming Saturday at 6pm. What a trip right? The day I have waited for my entire life and the day that I never thought I would actually make it to. I will be a college grad soon and it is so surreal. I just have to write my last paper and take my last two exams and will be all done by this Thursday night. And I cannot wait.

On another note, I had been thinking about it for quite some time now, say a couple of weeks or so.
And today I cut my hair short. it is quite short and to be honest, I rather like it. In fact, I love it.

So that's my update. I hope you all are doing well.