I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence,
Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it.
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth.
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you.
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to,
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you.
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few.
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through.
-L.F.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
On Repeat Days- Blame Game
Things used to be, now they not,
Anything but us is who we are.
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers,
We've become public enemies.
We walk away like strangers in the street,
Gone for eternity.
We erased one another,
So far from where we came.
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing.
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E,
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely.
-K.W.
Anything but us is who we are.
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers,
We've become public enemies.
We walk away like strangers in the street,
Gone for eternity.
We erased one another,
So far from where we came.
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing.
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E,
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely.
-K.W.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Just Too Good And True
There's only two ways out of here,
If you're too late you'll be trapped here, forever.
There's only two ways out of here,
Ones through the door, the others through me
Sometimes livin' in a word like this,
It's pretty hard not to go insane,
Not pretty if you don’t comply,
Pretty easy if you don’t complain,
Stand there like you don’t feel pain,
No tears in the face of defeat,
Pretend to the end that you don’t feel change,
Don’t admit it that your faith is weak,
Don’t say that you feel like dying,
Life’s hard that it feels like diamonds,
Go home, shit's far too gone,
Much too late to even feel like trying,
Can't understand what I’m saying,
Can't figure out what I’m implying,
If you feel you don’t want to be alive,
You feel just how I am.
I’m on the dark side,
And you can't come find me,
How? when its light all around you,
Yeah but it's dark on the inside,
No win when it's me against me,
One of us ain't gonna survive,
My heart been broke for a while,
Yours been the one keeping me alive
There's only two ways out of here,
If you're too late you'll be trapped here, forever.
There's only two ways out of here,
Ones through the door, the others through me
This world's such a fucked up place,
My mind's in such a fucked up shape
Everything down here sucks,
Maybe what's up there is great,
We all gotta go one day,
I just wanna cut to the chase,
I wanna stop these nightmares,
I just wanna touch your face,
All you see is all my feats,
All I see is all my flaws,
All I can hear is all my demons,
Even through your applause,
All you see is all my flights,
All I see is all my falls,
All you see is all my rights,
All I see is all my wrongs,
Go on keep telling me to fight.
Tellin' me to put a bullet inside my head,
Damn put it up right next to my jaw,
Don't keep tellin me to find a reason,
Anything to keep me from squeezing.
There's only two ways out of here,
If you're too late you'll be trapped here, forever.
There's only two ways out of here,
Ones through the door, the others through me
Monday Bottled Fluctuations
So after a Saturday of drunken resolute determinism, I am ready to put it all behind me again. There's nothing like a good chosen waste-fest to jumpstart you into forgetting everything and move even further forward.
On another rational note though,
I really need to stop the drinking (and the smoking to boot). I know that already. I'm slowly killing my body with these demons and I know it. I know. I really need to get my shit together and gain some self-control. I've never been good at that since I'm expert at impulse execution and compulsive immediate self-gratification. But I need to work on accumulating self-discipline and being good before I really and finally bury myself in the deep hole I have dug myself in.
I need to get my shit together. I have to, there is no other choice in the matter. It's as if I am going backwards in all the growing up I have done. I've become even more reckless and careless than ever before and less responsible. (it also sets me back on the progress I make with the anti-depressants) This has to stop.
I want it to. If I want to get better, I need to take the necessary steps and precautions.
Brace yourself for frustration then progressed anger 101.
You know it's bad when you're parents who have always trusted your judgments feel the need to step in and tell you that you need to grow up and embrace your responsibilities. I know, sounds horrible doesn't it? But that's the asian way, sacrifices and maturing quickly.
But you know it's really bad when the father of whom has never been around asks to talk to you the day he has to go out of the country for work. And thus sits you down to speculate on the friends you surround yourself with. (even though I am the worst influence out of all of them, but they don't know that)
You know it's bad when they tell you that the marks that keep appearing on my fair skin need to stop. That they don't know what's going on with me, but they just know it needs to stop. (thanks parentals)
You know it's bad when they have begun to assume that there's some real gangster thuggery going on because that's the only thing that seems to make sense to them when they see my scars, when really there isn't anything at all like that and they just don't want to choose to understand the truth of the pain I bear in my chest constantly of which I feel the urge to physically do something about. (but I don't want them to know 'cause it would only hurt them) Nobody ever really wants to know because no one can really handle true mess nor do they actually want to invest all that consideration.
Anyway, can you believe that shit though? He actually thought I was cutting myself, just as how some dare each other for fun with cigarette burns, to see who can out do one another- like just for the fun hell of it, uh no sorry wrong conclusion. It goes way deeper than that. Fuck I can't even get all the words out to explain my anger. Anger at the fact that they'll never be able to understand because the disconnect is too great. So fucking angry at all the things I can't change and all the things I cannot find resolution for.
None of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. But now that it's out, I have gone from calm to fucking unnerved. I feel the need to scream at all this bullshit absurdity with all the angry I bear. All the frustrating haze of sadness and anger is so fucking bottled up. I want to scream at everything and I just want everything to leave me the fuck alone. All this is such ridiculous bullshit.
I just want to live my life without anyone having a judgmental and nagging say about anything. I will get my shit together, but I want everyone to just leave me alone. I feel like everything is just pulling me in every which way filling me more and more with frustrating anxiety and actual anger (yeah, I've just defined an emotion let's fucking celebrate) that it's actually making everything worse with all the pressure I feel and that I know I put on myself for god knows what reason 'cause I haven't got a clue- fucking ingrained Chinese ancient ideologies.
I just want to live my life without any of the bullshit I have to deal with- without having to hear anything about the things I do. The more you oppose, it only makes me want to do just the thing you're against and rage it even harder to make it worse. That's how I work, I have a very specific and different way of handling my life. I don't like being told things because I'll just take more pleasure in doing the opposite of what you want me to do. I don't like doing what everyone else does or following suit and trend. I don't like being all the same. Everyone just needs to stop telling me what and who I should be and how I should be. Just let me live my life and get through this in my own way because that's how I work. I'm trying. (and I'm calm now) That's the only thing that should matter at this point right?
On another rational note though,
I really need to stop the drinking (and the smoking to boot). I know that already. I'm slowly killing my body with these demons and I know it. I know. I really need to get my shit together and gain some self-control. I've never been good at that since I'm expert at impulse execution and compulsive immediate self-gratification. But I need to work on accumulating self-discipline and being good before I really and finally bury myself in the deep hole I have dug myself in.
I need to get my shit together. I have to, there is no other choice in the matter. It's as if I am going backwards in all the growing up I have done. I've become even more reckless and careless than ever before and less responsible. (it also sets me back on the progress I make with the anti-depressants) This has to stop.
I want it to. If I want to get better, I need to take the necessary steps and precautions.
Brace yourself for frustration then progressed anger 101.
You know it's bad when you're parents who have always trusted your judgments feel the need to step in and tell you that you need to grow up and embrace your responsibilities. I know, sounds horrible doesn't it? But that's the asian way, sacrifices and maturing quickly.
But you know it's really bad when the father of whom has never been around asks to talk to you the day he has to go out of the country for work. And thus sits you down to speculate on the friends you surround yourself with. (even though I am the worst influence out of all of them, but they don't know that)
You know it's bad when they tell you that the marks that keep appearing on my fair skin need to stop. That they don't know what's going on with me, but they just know it needs to stop. (thanks parentals)
You know it's bad when they have begun to assume that there's some real gangster thuggery going on because that's the only thing that seems to make sense to them when they see my scars, when really there isn't anything at all like that and they just don't want to choose to understand the truth of the pain I bear in my chest constantly of which I feel the urge to physically do something about. (but I don't want them to know 'cause it would only hurt them) Nobody ever really wants to know because no one can really handle true mess nor do they actually want to invest all that consideration.
Anyway, can you believe that shit though? He actually thought I was cutting myself, just as how some dare each other for fun with cigarette burns, to see who can out do one another- like just for the fun hell of it, uh no sorry wrong conclusion. It goes way deeper than that. Fuck I can't even get all the words out to explain my anger. Anger at the fact that they'll never be able to understand because the disconnect is too great. So fucking angry at all the things I can't change and all the things I cannot find resolution for.
None of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. But now that it's out, I have gone from calm to fucking unnerved. I feel the need to scream at all this bullshit absurdity with all the angry I bear. All the frustrating haze of sadness and anger is so fucking bottled up. I want to scream at everything and I just want everything to leave me the fuck alone. All this is such ridiculous bullshit.
I just want to live my life without anyone having a judgmental and nagging say about anything. I will get my shit together, but I want everyone to just leave me alone. I feel like everything is just pulling me in every which way filling me more and more with frustrating anxiety and actual anger (yeah, I've just defined an emotion let's fucking celebrate) that it's actually making everything worse with all the pressure I feel and that I know I put on myself for god knows what reason 'cause I haven't got a clue- fucking ingrained Chinese ancient ideologies.
I just want to live my life without any of the bullshit I have to deal with- without having to hear anything about the things I do. The more you oppose, it only makes me want to do just the thing you're against and rage it even harder to make it worse. That's how I work, I have a very specific and different way of handling my life. I don't like being told things because I'll just take more pleasure in doing the opposite of what you want me to do. I don't like doing what everyone else does or following suit and trend. I don't like being all the same. Everyone just needs to stop telling me what and who I should be and how I should be. Just let me live my life and get through this in my own way because that's how I work. I'm trying. (and I'm calm now) That's the only thing that should matter at this point right?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Once I got home I texted my friend (my friends always make me text then whenever I've gotten home safe, I know right? greatest friends ever), "Gnite, Glad you're safe."
My initial response in my head, "I'm safe, but I'm not okay."
'Course I would never admit that openly.
Alcohol is a demon.
I hurt everywhere. Why did you have to come back. Why do you have to tell me things. Typical. But I should be over this by the end of this week as you'll be or already are back in Hawaii. Thanks.
But I'm sorry, I need to do something. The cigarettes and alcohol aren't enough. My first slight regression. When I'm sober, I'm grand. When I indulge in my vices, not so much.
I'm sorry, just a baby one. I have to. (so much for blog title change, changed it back) But we'll all continue living.
My initial response in my head, "I'm safe, but I'm not okay."
'Course I would never admit that openly.
Alcohol is a demon.
I hurt everywhere. Why did you have to come back. Why do you have to tell me things. Typical. But I should be over this by the end of this week as you'll be or already are back in Hawaii. Thanks.
But I'm sorry, I need to do something. The cigarettes and alcohol aren't enough. My first slight regression. When I'm sober, I'm grand. When I indulge in my vices, not so much.
I'm sorry, just a baby one. I have to. (so much for blog title change, changed it back) But we'll all continue living.
In Your Heart I Paint A Crimson Red
The heart breaks too easily.
Especially mine.
Especially mine.
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Friday, April 22, 2011
Repost- So This Is Love
I had to, this entry is friggen awesome. I love the first sentence. I love it all. Enjoy and thank you again Le Love.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
the one who lost her
weheartit
To the one that holds her heart,
This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break her heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. And I just wanted to make sure that the one who is dating the girl that I love with all my heart is in good hands. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.
But here’s a couple tips for you, always text her back, she gets really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on her without saying good-bye first, I’ve done that countless times and she gets really pissed off. She has certain days where she has to watch her shows like Pretty Little Liars and One Tree hill, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise her, she likes them. She’s only ticklish in some spots and sometime she isn’t ticklish at all. She’s a fighter haha. And if she’s quoting Taylor Swift, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making her happy.
And when you hug her, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug her back tighter. If she argues with her, argue back. But give in to her sometimes cause she can be a real bitch when she wants to be. Don’t hurt her, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.
You have no idea how lucky you are to call her yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding her hand. You have the privilege to kiss her when you want. You have the ability to make her happy. She isn’t just another girl, she’s that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give her the chance. She’s worth everything. Everything. Take care of her.
Sincerely,
The one who lost her
Posted by Le Love at 11:50 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
the one who lost her
weheartit
To the one that holds her heart,
This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break her heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. And I just wanted to make sure that the one who is dating the girl that I love with all my heart is in good hands. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.
But here’s a couple tips for you, always text her back, she gets really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on her without saying good-bye first, I’ve done that countless times and she gets really pissed off. She has certain days where she has to watch her shows like Pretty Little Liars and One Tree hill, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise her, she likes them. She’s only ticklish in some spots and sometime she isn’t ticklish at all. She’s a fighter haha. And if she’s quoting Taylor Swift, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making her happy.
And when you hug her, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug her back tighter. If she argues with her, argue back. But give in to her sometimes cause she can be a real bitch when she wants to be. Don’t hurt her, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.
You have no idea how lucky you are to call her yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding her hand. You have the privilege to kiss her when you want. You have the ability to make her happy. She isn’t just another girl, she’s that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give her the chance. She’s worth everything. Everything. Take care of her.
Sincerely,
The one who lost her
Posted by Le Love at 11:50 PM
What What
And just like that it's Friday again. (so prepared for another fun packed weekend, though I have to admit, this week has been nothing short of spectacular)
Okay serious talk.
Ever since I started re-taking my meds, I have been feeling so much friggen better. I am in such a good mood and I have stayed in such a great mood. (and it's still the level kind, not the manic high that I'm so used to) Oh. My. Gah. Haha.
Oh yeah, old header is back! to suit the appropriate changes of coz.
I really should quit smoking cigarettes now that I've picked it up regularly again (also, did I mention that I still haven't been cutting at all even if I may want to I have been resisting go me!), but I only smoke 1-2 a day. Not so bad right? (even with each inhale I'm cutting off minutes of my life, but who wants to live to their super old and deteriorating anyway?) I don't know, life is just better with cigarettes. It's not so much an addiction since my body doesn't actually fiend for it, (yet if I keep this up it may possibly begin to, though I've been smoking off and on for about 5 years or so) but it's more so the ideal romanticist imagery of the motions of inhaling and then blowing out glorious straight and smooth smoke. Meh, I have two whole packs that I got for free from a lucky night at a gas station when they're machines were down (tried two cards and the machines were down) and I didn't have any cash- just cards, who uses cash now anyway? lol. I only wanted 1 pack so I have no idea how I have two haha. He told me that the cigs were on him, and said no that I couldn't possibly take them and I tried to give it back to him. But he was adament and I wanted cigarettes. So maybe I'll quit after these two packs. I mean, someone has to smoke them right? Haha.
Hope all of you are doing as well as I at the moment. Happy Friday lovers.
Okay serious talk.
Ever since I started re-taking my meds, I have been feeling so much friggen better. I am in such a good mood and I have stayed in such a great mood. (and it's still the level kind, not the manic high that I'm so used to) Oh. My. Gah. Haha.
Oh yeah, old header is back! to suit the appropriate changes of coz.
I really should quit smoking cigarettes now that I've picked it up regularly again (also, did I mention that I still haven't been cutting at all even if I may want to I have been resisting go me!), but I only smoke 1-2 a day. Not so bad right? (even with each inhale I'm cutting off minutes of my life, but who wants to live to their super old and deteriorating anyway?) I don't know, life is just better with cigarettes. It's not so much an addiction since my body doesn't actually fiend for it, (yet if I keep this up it may possibly begin to, though I've been smoking off and on for about 5 years or so) but it's more so the ideal romanticist imagery of the motions of inhaling and then blowing out glorious straight and smooth smoke. Meh, I have two whole packs that I got for free from a lucky night at a gas station when they're machines were down (tried two cards and the machines were down) and I didn't have any cash- just cards, who uses cash now anyway? lol. I only wanted 1 pack so I have no idea how I have two haha. He told me that the cigs were on him, and said no that I couldn't possibly take them and I tried to give it back to him. But he was adament and I wanted cigarettes. So maybe I'll quit after these two packs. I mean, someone has to smoke them right? Haha.
Hope all of you are doing as well as I at the moment. Happy Friday lovers.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Highlarious
It's quite amusing haha, but I don't even know how to explain it or how it even happens. I don't go looking or searching, I'm just living my life kept to myself and yet I always manage to be constantly dealing with at least 2-3 guys all at once. It ain't easy being a thug haha. No but serious, quite interesting. Dunno if I'm ready to spill yet. Impossible situations, bad timing, indifference, no interest, yet openmindedness involved. But seriously on a side note, I will say -morning breakfast then solely kissing and innocent spooning with a hottie you have history with make out session before work- awesomely winning. Having a great day thus far and it's only just hit noon. But Thursdays always are good days oddly enough. Cheers lovers.
Wow
Life takes you by surprise and it's cliche to say that it's when you least expect it, but it's honestly true. Just like that. I need more time to process this, divulgences in due time when I figure things out and clear misconceptions up.
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Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Ain't No Way, Baby
Since we're on the subject of Glee. This cover gave me chills as I was watching it on Fox tonight. Aretha Franklin the friggen queen of soul. Friggen goosebumps I tell you. Man Glee is so great. Got me relistening to all the good shit. People relax, it's supposed to be a satirical parody. So if you don't get it, don't hate- just find a different show to watch and leave us Gleeks be. (:
Oh my god, at 1:55 chillsssss. Fucking strikes right and strikes true to the straight insides of which make up who a person is. Cannot tell you how ecstatic I was when this song came on!
Amber Riley, girl can sing man! Did you know she auditioned for American Idol and got to like round 3 and they told her she wasn't good enough. In yo face suckers! Haha.
Oh my god, at 1:55 chillsssss. Fucking strikes right and strikes true to the straight insides of which make up who a person is. Cannot tell you how ecstatic I was when this song came on!
Amber Riley, girl can sing man! Did you know she auditioned for American Idol and got to like round 3 and they told her she wasn't good enough. In yo face suckers! Haha.
Is This The Place That I've Been Dreaming Of
Keane is one of my favorite bands of all time. (really helped me through some rough times, funny how you forget the things you used to love until you stumble across them unexpectedly one day- surprisingly on a day you most need it and everything just becomes right again) Check out Glee's cover. Seriously, Darren Criss is amazing. I could listen to him sing and just talk all day and night long.
My god, this cover is utterly amazing. It doesn't hurt that this is absolutely my favorite song from there besides 'Everybody's Changing'.
Just this song, amazing. I don't know why, but whenever I hear this song, it just feels me with this great aching feeling of hope. (cheezy I know right? but tis' true my friends) The way Keane shapes sound with melody and instruments is at times saving. The simple yet so in depth lyrics don't need much else. They have a really clean sound, but you know it's so much more than that and involves greater elements.
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know
My god, this cover is utterly amazing. It doesn't hurt that this is absolutely my favorite song from there besides 'Everybody's Changing'.
Just this song, amazing. I don't know why, but whenever I hear this song, it just feels me with this great aching feeling of hope. (cheezy I know right? but tis' true my friends) The way Keane shapes sound with melody and instruments is at times saving. The simple yet so in depth lyrics don't need much else. They have a really clean sound, but you know it's so much more than that and involves greater elements.
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know
Day1 All Over Again
If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep trying. No matter how chaotic shit stirs.
So, I finally got a refill on my prescription meds today after visiting my physician yesterday. (I had hit up the pharmacy yesterday, but they were out of stock and told me they had to reorder and to come back the next day. haha can you believe that? They were in fact out of stock, just how popularly consumed is this stuff? I mean in my stubborn Asian community so used to struggling) But yes, finally and thank god indeed.
I took the time released capsule immediately in my car after I picked them up. And I have to say, I don't know if it's a minor placebo effect because surely shit doesn't happen that quickly (or does it?), but on the drive home after work, with after work Marlboro in left hand, I realized just how much better and hopeful I fully felt already. I know I always document my emotions of highs and lows and it is a tedious, vicious, and cyclic pattern, but emotions are inconstant, familiar, and are what they are.
Anyway, it honestly felt like the best cigarette of my life aside from when you're on drugs and smoke. Kind of felt great like that haha. But it could be the drugs- it most likely is. But I'm not going to fight it if I'm actually supposed to and allowed to take it. It ain't a gateway drug homies, it's so much better.
It's like I began to feel actually level and so fully not trapped. I don't seem to feel stuck right now and rather I can breathe- but it's different. I feel normal. It's great. It's a strange tingly feeling of a different lightness. Not the elated euphoric manic temporary bright high, but a normal and grounded easiness of amazing normalcy and balance. Considering how I went to bed with a great pain in my chest and a great desire to sob endlessly, I would say this is an incredible vast improvement. It's like a something really has been restored effectively rather than just half-assly with the great probability of relapse.
I mean, I finally realized, a couple weeks after I stopped and ran out of my meds, just how effective they actually were in contrast to how my state of mind was when I was taking them. (I'm sure you all have seen it through the chaotic entries of which have been posted) Although I felt like they weren't working, I have to admit- they were. Huzzah to the success and execution of consistency. Consistency is a thing of which I innately and instinctively fight but is what I genuinely and secretly really long for and need.
It's so strange, I'm trying to make sense of it. Is the difference really in the medication? I want to say yes, but I don't want to fall into my natural sheltered foolishness.
I have to confess, I didn't want to wake up today, but the only thing that got me out of bed was knowing that I could pick up my meds and that I could finally be back on track to getting better and my shit together again. I think the difference is in the medication. I was skeptical when I first began 6 months ago, but after a break away, I am now at a different conclusion and possess a different perspective. Things really did get worse when I started not taking the Wellbutrin XL consistently and things got even more worse when I ran out and went without.
I actually feel like a door has been opened, but not just one- many. Haha and an hour ago is when I began to feel the usual initial side effects of when you first start. But I just have to ride it out. Feel a bit nauseated and have a stomachache, but it's not too bad. Then again I have only taken one- but I do know what to expect now and I am fully prepared to embrace the better and recovering fate of my well-being.
So, I finally got a refill on my prescription meds today after visiting my physician yesterday. (I had hit up the pharmacy yesterday, but they were out of stock and told me they had to reorder and to come back the next day. haha can you believe that? They were in fact out of stock, just how popularly consumed is this stuff? I mean in my stubborn Asian community so used to struggling) But yes, finally and thank god indeed.
I took the time released capsule immediately in my car after I picked them up. And I have to say, I don't know if it's a minor placebo effect because surely shit doesn't happen that quickly (or does it?), but on the drive home after work, with after work Marlboro in left hand, I realized just how much better and hopeful I fully felt already. I know I always document my emotions of highs and lows and it is a tedious, vicious, and cyclic pattern, but emotions are inconstant, familiar, and are what they are.
Anyway, it honestly felt like the best cigarette of my life aside from when you're on drugs and smoke. Kind of felt great like that haha. But it could be the drugs- it most likely is. But I'm not going to fight it if I'm actually supposed to and allowed to take it. It ain't a gateway drug homies, it's so much better.
It's like I began to feel actually level and so fully not trapped. I don't seem to feel stuck right now and rather I can breathe- but it's different. I feel normal. It's great. It's a strange tingly feeling of a different lightness. Not the elated euphoric manic temporary bright high, but a normal and grounded easiness of amazing normalcy and balance. Considering how I went to bed with a great pain in my chest and a great desire to sob endlessly, I would say this is an incredible vast improvement. It's like a something really has been restored effectively rather than just half-assly with the great probability of relapse.
I mean, I finally realized, a couple weeks after I stopped and ran out of my meds, just how effective they actually were in contrast to how my state of mind was when I was taking them. (I'm sure you all have seen it through the chaotic entries of which have been posted) Although I felt like they weren't working, I have to admit- they were. Huzzah to the success and execution of consistency. Consistency is a thing of which I innately and instinctively fight but is what I genuinely and secretly really long for and need.
It's so strange, I'm trying to make sense of it. Is the difference really in the medication? I want to say yes, but I don't want to fall into my natural sheltered foolishness.
I have to confess, I didn't want to wake up today, but the only thing that got me out of bed was knowing that I could pick up my meds and that I could finally be back on track to getting better and my shit together again. I think the difference is in the medication. I was skeptical when I first began 6 months ago, but after a break away, I am now at a different conclusion and possess a different perspective. Things really did get worse when I started not taking the Wellbutrin XL consistently and things got even more worse when I ran out and went without.
I actually feel like a door has been opened, but not just one- many. Haha and an hour ago is when I began to feel the usual initial side effects of when you first start. But I just have to ride it out. Feel a bit nauseated and have a stomachache, but it's not too bad. Then again I have only taken one- but I do know what to expect now and I am fully prepared to embrace the better and recovering fate of my well-being.
Tuesday Dual Reminiscent Gems
Love the melody of this song, especially the chorus. I love the way the words are sung.
Haven't listened to Sammie in a long time, I still love this one after so long. He's so rnb sexy great. Haha remember his first single 'I Like The Way'? haha I do and it still makes me laugh and smile whenever I listen to it. Lil' Sammie really grew up.
Haven't listened to Sammie in a long time, I still love this one after so long. He's so rnb sexy great. Haha remember his first single 'I Like The Way'? haha I do and it still makes me laugh and smile whenever I listen to it. Lil' Sammie really grew up.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Don't Get It
Blows my mind. How is it that I can tear up so easily when watching a heartfelt movie or deeply engrossed in a book, letting it reach me deep inside; yet, when I readily am wanting to cry for myself and aided release, my eyes are dry.
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Cigarettes, Drives, And Cosmic Love
I need a Marlboro so badly right now. Yeah, quitting is for suckers. I'm tempted to go for a drive right now albeit being 1:30am as of present. For some reason a drive with windows down, music blaring, cigarette in hand always seems to help. I think it's time for a drive.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I haven't been able to stop playing this one as well. She seriously is a true artist. I've been listening to her stuff long before she made it super big in the media and I'm glad she's finally receiving the recognition she deserves for just being so filled with awesomeness.
"Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it's important that you do it- because no one else will."
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I haven't been able to stop playing this one as well. She seriously is a true artist. I've been listening to her stuff long before she made it super big in the media and I'm glad she's finally receiving the recognition she deserves for just being so filled with awesomeness.
"Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it's important that you do it- because no one else will."
Friday, April 15, 2011
Uptown Wind Around
You gotta groove it up, you gotta drop the tough. You gotta show you got the medicine to make it up.
I fucking love this song (this is the shortened version by the way), can't stop playing it. Over and over, and over again.
I fucking love this song (this is the shortened version by the way), can't stop playing it. Over and over, and over again.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Sure As Hell
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." - Ms. M. Monroe
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Absolutely Extraordinary
I'm writing again. Actually writing. Actual full on, free flowing verse accomplished and culminated from the tips of my fingers sent from the inner working turning wheels of my cerebrum. Friggen amazing. I constantly have fluid and beautiful prose-like thoughts formulating in my mind constantly that is just impatiently waiting and wanting to be archived. I'm so in the zone.
I get like this when I write or speak about something I am passionate about. I don't know if you know that that feels like, but in my mind when this great force happens, it's like my own personal high. Just the type I used to get after pouring all I had into a massive essay final midterm in university. The kind of high you get when you know you've put heart into something you're quite so proud of. (a person often knows whether the work they have produced is pure crap and better than that) Kind of like that. It's that elated and sweetly flavored endorphined filled rising good kind of airy feeling in the brain. Like when you're soaking in the tub after a long cold day and you close your eyes for your brain to recharge and you feel everything that's been pushing and pulling at you begin to roll away like the reverse of when rain clouds set in.
I have already written 3 entries that I haven't posted yet because they were just blurbs and thoughts of which need massive refinement. But I needed to write them down. It's like when I wake up and a thought pops into my mind that I have to write it down so I don't forget it. You know me, always about refinement and polishing- sadly yes, perfection indeed at its best. But that is me and a part of who I am. But hopefully soon I will have the courage to post them.
But that's not the point, the point is that I'm suddenly filled with inspiration to write better content- about everything, other than mundane, dark and dreary pure crap filled with rudimentary and all too basic vernacular and sucky diction. I'm motivated to actually want to blog about every thought that pops into my head with the utmost of tried spectacular articulation (or what seems to come to the mind easily) that I can fathom or at least a small percentage of that, given that my attention span is quite like that of a goldfish. I get lost in the water. But I always come back. Again as always, it's the little things you have to take the time to fully embrace and enjoy. And that seems to be the only thing I appear to be actually good at. So let's just roll with this lovers.
I get like this when I write or speak about something I am passionate about. I don't know if you know that that feels like, but in my mind when this great force happens, it's like my own personal high. Just the type I used to get after pouring all I had into a massive essay final midterm in university. The kind of high you get when you know you've put heart into something you're quite so proud of. (a person often knows whether the work they have produced is pure crap and better than that) Kind of like that. It's that elated and sweetly flavored endorphined filled rising good kind of airy feeling in the brain. Like when you're soaking in the tub after a long cold day and you close your eyes for your brain to recharge and you feel everything that's been pushing and pulling at you begin to roll away like the reverse of when rain clouds set in.
I have already written 3 entries that I haven't posted yet because they were just blurbs and thoughts of which need massive refinement. But I needed to write them down. It's like when I wake up and a thought pops into my mind that I have to write it down so I don't forget it. You know me, always about refinement and polishing- sadly yes, perfection indeed at its best. But that is me and a part of who I am. But hopefully soon I will have the courage to post them.
But that's not the point, the point is that I'm suddenly filled with inspiration to write better content- about everything, other than mundane, dark and dreary pure crap filled with rudimentary and all too basic vernacular and sucky diction. I'm motivated to actually want to blog about every thought that pops into my head with the utmost of tried spectacular articulation (or what seems to come to the mind easily) that I can fathom or at least a small percentage of that, given that my attention span is quite like that of a goldfish. I get lost in the water. But I always come back. Again as always, it's the little things you have to take the time to fully embrace and enjoy. And that seems to be the only thing I appear to be actually good at. So let's just roll with this lovers.
A Sucker
I figured out what it is. I'm a sucker for those eyes. You know, the type that you cannot keep looking directly into. The type that makes you have to look away because the attraction and spark is way too great that you'd jump a person right then and there if you continued staring. Or if it's not the physical attraction, it's the strung out stirring flamed curiosity and hard interest to know everything there is to know about that person because you're already so caught in the currents of his dark irises. (I seem to only have a thing for dark eyes, some green is great too, sorry blue eyes) It's the type of eyes that look like they can see right through you and in fact into you so deeply and make you feel like you're the only one ever for that moment. It's the eyes of an unspoken something is only shared between the two sets involved. They are the type that you can blissfully drown yourself in if you choose to swim in the deepness of them. Intense eyes, that you know must hold so much depth and story (or at least feign to- much to our dismays), are an addiction. Eyes are indeed the windows to one's soul, but it doesn't make a lick of difference if no action is backed up behind it. It's a great shame the percentage of cowardice that which consumes the majority of the human species. And just as too bad that I seem to fall instantly when I too often stumble upon a pair. Luckily as quickly as I whimsically fall, I can almost always hope to eventually I fall out as soon just the same. But god, are they so beautiful to indulgently take in and admire- secretly of course.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Millisecond Missions Of Saving
Took an impulsive detour back when running an errand for work- I walked over to Barnes And Noble's Bookstore instead of driving straight back from the bank. I know, but hey, when something is calling out to you, you've got to do something about it. (I'm more about action rather than talk, and we all know just how impulsive I am) And I was having a really really really bad mood day. I wanted to smash everything. Everything. You ever feel like that? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, where your face just holds them perpetual frown lines for a good permanence of time. Awful when you can't smash or break anything to appease the urge.
So I did something about it, this was probably long overdue.
The only thing that ran through my mind as I saw my sad and troubled reflection glistening back at me in the dimly tinted windows was, "Sanctuary." The moment I ran my hands against the big and textured wooden door handle and pulled the heavy weight into myself, I felt some sort of release, like maybe this is what I needed. (even though I have tons of books yet to read that isn't going to stop me, that just adds more lusciousness to my library to indulge and learn; hey- blame shitty consumerism brainwashed ideologies that just make us feel so damn good)
I at first disciplined myself with the intention of solely seeking out one book I have had on my mind. But then I went crazy.
Hey, I figured I'm saving up money anyway and am not planning on spending major or going out to someplace highly extravagant any time soon, so it really wouldn't hurt to pamper a bit.
But then I went really crazy. (I guess once you decide to give in and feel the guilt, you might as well go big or go home) Yet as always, the spendthrift guilt I unfortunately possess, quite easily soon melts away after the concluded and utterly satisfying acknowledgment of fantastic imagery is created and reinforced with just the thought and incredible excitement of being all too perfectly lost in and life-altered by these fabulously indulgent and perfect new portals of newly fresh escapism.
I figure, if you're going to commit to something (something I don't tend to like to to often), you should cover all bases, know and understand what you're getting yourself into. So you better fucking shut up and commit haha. Yes.
As I strategically choose which Fiction & Literature aisle and letter (later to be follow by Biography) to temporarily plant my bibliophilic essence and presence in, to completely examine every innovative title with the attentions they deserve, it is as if my drained energy and lost strength/stamina for life is slowly being retransmitted through incendiary, positively almost electrifying- but not to be forgotten invisible waves back into my core from an unknown yet all too welcomed unconditionally loving fountain source.
Utterly awestruck of even the unparalleled feeling I suddenly feel right now as I pour all my focus, motivation, heart, soul, passion, and positive mind into the descriptive elaborations of the story I am sharing. What had just started out as a quick and all too elementarily lackluster remembrance has suddenly turned into some transcendent restoration of self through free verse and flowing prose. Friggen awesome right? Even if these moments just last for moments, you enjoy it and live it for all it's worth and for all that you have. I don't have days remember? I have moments. And I take life moment to moment. It's the only way to survive, yes?
As of this moment I feel lighter and hopeful. As of this moment of course. We all know how quickly a millisecond can alter everything.
And for those who actually do regularly read the rambling and insanely rollercoaster up and down mood change stupid, crazy, sunny, dark, and twisty crap I write, thank you- really. It definitely does not go under-appreciated. It means a lot to me and your kind words you timely bestow are definitely taken to heart and not taken lightly. It's nice to know that in this world filled with the majority of annoying idiots and assholes that seem to contiguously worsen events, you can still possibly reach someone of whom you may really never even meet- ever, and not feel as alone as usual in a world which literally surrounds, no, crowds you with all too devastatingly fleeting people that we essentially could do without.
It's weird being the unfortunate and hopeless eternal optimist, because as absolutely low as you sink (yeah, trust me suicidal low is probably about the lowest you can get, if not feel free to correct me), there still is that innate cloud of promise, of which lingers over our heads, that there is still bright prospect for us yet and that we'll get it right one day, soon hopefully. I still can't shake the always in the back of my mind and set in stone conviction, whether I want it there or not depending on mood and though at times quite effectively repressed for the time being, that I still believe in the dream.
Oh! I got lost in my own thoughts again that I almost forgot! I left sanctuary with a purchasing of 6 new books. Huzzah for new additions to home libraries and print devotion that will never fade <3.
So I did something about it, this was probably long overdue.
The only thing that ran through my mind as I saw my sad and troubled reflection glistening back at me in the dimly tinted windows was, "Sanctuary." The moment I ran my hands against the big and textured wooden door handle and pulled the heavy weight into myself, I felt some sort of release, like maybe this is what I needed. (even though I have tons of books yet to read that isn't going to stop me, that just adds more lusciousness to my library to indulge and learn; hey- blame shitty consumerism brainwashed ideologies that just make us feel so damn good)
I at first disciplined myself with the intention of solely seeking out one book I have had on my mind. But then I went crazy.
Hey, I figured I'm saving up money anyway and am not planning on spending major or going out to someplace highly extravagant any time soon, so it really wouldn't hurt to pamper a bit.
But then I went really crazy. (I guess once you decide to give in and feel the guilt, you might as well go big or go home) Yet as always, the spendthrift guilt I unfortunately possess, quite easily soon melts away after the concluded and utterly satisfying acknowledgment of fantastic imagery is created and reinforced with just the thought and incredible excitement of being all too perfectly lost in and life-altered by these fabulously indulgent and perfect new portals of newly fresh escapism.
I figure, if you're going to commit to something (something I don't tend to like to to often), you should cover all bases, know and understand what you're getting yourself into. So you better fucking shut up and commit haha. Yes.
As I strategically choose which Fiction & Literature aisle and letter (later to be follow by Biography) to temporarily plant my bibliophilic essence and presence in, to completely examine every innovative title with the attentions they deserve, it is as if my drained energy and lost strength/stamina for life is slowly being retransmitted through incendiary, positively almost electrifying- but not to be forgotten invisible waves back into my core from an unknown yet all too welcomed unconditionally loving fountain source.
Utterly awestruck of even the unparalleled feeling I suddenly feel right now as I pour all my focus, motivation, heart, soul, passion, and positive mind into the descriptive elaborations of the story I am sharing. What had just started out as a quick and all too elementarily lackluster remembrance has suddenly turned into some transcendent restoration of self through free verse and flowing prose. Friggen awesome right? Even if these moments just last for moments, you enjoy it and live it for all it's worth and for all that you have. I don't have days remember? I have moments. And I take life moment to moment. It's the only way to survive, yes?
As of this moment I feel lighter and hopeful. As of this moment of course. We all know how quickly a millisecond can alter everything.
And for those who actually do regularly read the rambling and insanely rollercoaster up and down mood change stupid, crazy, sunny, dark, and twisty crap I write, thank you- really. It definitely does not go under-appreciated. It means a lot to me and your kind words you timely bestow are definitely taken to heart and not taken lightly. It's nice to know that in this world filled with the majority of annoying idiots and assholes that seem to contiguously worsen events, you can still possibly reach someone of whom you may really never even meet- ever, and not feel as alone as usual in a world which literally surrounds, no, crowds you with all too devastatingly fleeting people that we essentially could do without.
It's weird being the unfortunate and hopeless eternal optimist, because as absolutely low as you sink (yeah, trust me suicidal low is probably about the lowest you can get, if not feel free to correct me), there still is that innate cloud of promise, of which lingers over our heads, that there is still bright prospect for us yet and that we'll get it right one day, soon hopefully. I still can't shake the always in the back of my mind and set in stone conviction, whether I want it there or not depending on mood and though at times quite effectively repressed for the time being, that I still believe in the dream.
Oh! I got lost in my own thoughts again that I almost forgot! I left sanctuary with a purchasing of 6 new books. Huzzah for new additions to home libraries and print devotion that will never fade <3.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Suffocation
I can't. I just can't do this anymore. There isn't any point to anything. I don't even care about work when that is one thing I honestly love doing; yet, I clearly haven't been going. I actually just called and said, "Fire me." True story. Didn't work to say the least- I don't need nor do I want sympathy, ever. That's what is most loathed and undesired in my book. It is obvious I didn't feel the need to wake up this morning either. All I want to do is sleep all of the time- solely to pass time, or cry my eyes out. I feel trapped.
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Sunday, April 10, 2011
Plan A
So the plan is to go see my physician tomorrow to get a refill on my prescription, that's hoping I have the motivation to get out of bed tomorrow morning.
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Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Fucking Fickle
Ugh, fuck this dreary mood! Annnnddd I'm over it! Bright mood mode initiated and prepared for launch, and it's Friday lovers. Woooooo. (: (seriously, sometimes this strong will/mind power thing I have certainly has its advantages)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Drain, Total 9
took a mental health day today. sorry responsibilities, don't care. still in bed. just lying here. i wish that i could continue sleeping forever, but it's too late. my brain is awake. i can't even cry or indulge steel, this is such crap. also, having great friends doesn't make a difference when you still feel so vulnerable and all alone always. i need something, just don't know what. i want to quit life -just end it all, but suicide is the epitome of all selfishness.
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Sunday, April 3, 2011
27 Names For Tears
What I really need a just a damn good cry. I'm so bottled up and so much has been happening and going through my mind that it's frustrating. Shit's tough. A good cry will make me feel tons better. Some times you just need one. But nothing ever happens when you want it to.
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Give Up
It's a two way street.
It can go both ways. I feel like I am on an edge right now with two options.
I could either let myself fall back into my secluded, dark and twisty, yet still and always blissfully safe place, or arrive at an impasse and continue moving forward ignoring the pain onto the road of the carefree and don't give a fuck/nonchalant 'happy' state. Even though there are so many other things going for me right now, there are up and downs. But the downs really suck and really make me question how worth it everything is. Too many hardships and trials, too many things, dangerous things, that I want and too many things that are not good for me. And it's so much easier to just quit even if I am the hopeless eternal optimist. I want to hide into myself so badly and disappear from the world. We'll see which side I choose to jump. Hopefully I'll be good as new come tomorrow morning. Start a new day right?
It can go both ways. I feel like I am on an edge right now with two options.
I could either let myself fall back into my secluded, dark and twisty, yet still and always blissfully safe place, or arrive at an impasse and continue moving forward ignoring the pain onto the road of the carefree and don't give a fuck/nonchalant 'happy' state. Even though there are so many other things going for me right now, there are up and downs. But the downs really suck and really make me question how worth it everything is. Too many hardships and trials, too many things, dangerous things, that I want and too many things that are not good for me. And it's so much easier to just quit even if I am the hopeless eternal optimist. I want to hide into myself so badly and disappear from the world. We'll see which side I choose to jump. Hopefully I'll be good as new come tomorrow morning. Start a new day right?
Inconceivable
I don't even know where to begin and frankly, I don't really want to because the act of archiving these thoughts will make me relive the awfulness of it all over again. And I'm just glad to be past it and over it. I ended the night on a good note of satisfaction with myself. Very good indeed. Instead I leave you with my favorite Jay Chou song. (I never mentioned that I love him the most did I? Going on almost 10 years of pure and real love and dedication to him. I can talk on and on about what his music does to me, but another story for another day and time)
These loves of which never let you down and are always there for you, no matter what, last forever. <3
On the ground, a butterfly with broken wings
A full moon after the fog clears
It turns out that both love and heartbreak
Can be very detailed
Listening to the night wind blow past a few streets
Autumn, thinned down with fallen leaves all over the ground
Thus another night
Even sentimental words wither and fade
I don't want to write anymore, while I'm at it I rip up this page
It turns out that both the poem and parting can be without an ending (without an ending)
Languish, regrets, etc...these things
Thus I fold the poem up
Sending my feelings by post
Placed between a bunch of white roses
You declined it and returned that love back to me
I don't weep, I hold back the feelings
Breaking up during this windy season
I'll be tired after crying for a while, that's just what other people think
The cold coffee, I'm clearheaded, I get another refill
I weep, my emotions are in bits and pieces
Your world, flutters away scene by scene
The roses outside the door have thorns hurting people very directly
The past is glanced through, ending with a sky full of wind and snow
(translation/pinyin/lyrics by Ho@multistars.com, jaychoustudio.com)
Thank you so much. When all else fails and nothing else will do, I can just listen to your music and your powerful lyrics and just be in a better place.
These loves of which never let you down and are always there for you, no matter what, last forever. <3
On the ground, a butterfly with broken wings
A full moon after the fog clears
It turns out that both love and heartbreak
Can be very detailed
Listening to the night wind blow past a few streets
Autumn, thinned down with fallen leaves all over the ground
Thus another night
Even sentimental words wither and fade
I don't want to write anymore, while I'm at it I rip up this page
It turns out that both the poem and parting can be without an ending (without an ending)
Languish, regrets, etc...these things
Thus I fold the poem up
Sending my feelings by post
Placed between a bunch of white roses
You declined it and returned that love back to me
I don't weep, I hold back the feelings
Breaking up during this windy season
I'll be tired after crying for a while, that's just what other people think
The cold coffee, I'm clearheaded, I get another refill
I weep, my emotions are in bits and pieces
Your world, flutters away scene by scene
The roses outside the door have thorns hurting people very directly
The past is glanced through, ending with a sky full of wind and snow
(translation/pinyin/lyrics by Ho@multistars.com, jaychoustudio.com)
Thank you so much. When all else fails and nothing else will do, I can just listen to your music and your powerful lyrics and just be in a better place.
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