The Rising Feeling In My Chest

At the moment. I feel like I am so over it. Last night I had a relapse. I hate how compulsively impulsive I am. I hate how as much as I physically push him away, I can't just say no- my mind isn't in my actions. My heart says one thing, my mind says another- I hate that overused cliche. What you want isn't what is necessarily good for you. I hate how unyielding he is and how he is the one physically acting on attachment. I hate how stubborn we both are. I hate how good it was before it wasn't. I hate how we're so good when we're together, yet so terrible when we're apart.

I hate how he makes me feel- so good when he touching me, but so terrible when he's not. I hate how perfect I feel and it feels when our bodies are completely intertwined with one another. I hate how much I love it when our hands and fingers are locked together. I hate how much I love his hands and how I love just looking at them. I hate how much I love how he smells and how I can't help but love when I smell him on me throughout the day after we've left. I hate how much I love his eyes. I hate how long I can look at him for. I hate how easy I fell for you. I hate how the word love pops into my head sometimes even when my fickle mind wavers between my heart's uncertain revelations.

I hate how you are so not good for me at all, but how I can't help but feel the way I do either way. I hate how I never even had a chance.

I hate how he's stronger than I am mentally. I hate how I'm there mentally and emotionally and he's just there physically. I hate how he doesn't like me the way I like him. I hate how it's all such a complicated trip that is all contradictory. I hate how I am really just another notch on his belt. I hate how I really don't like how he is, but how I can't help but be attached. I hate how I'm attached because of how I romanticize the situation and how I'm so much of an idealist. I hate how I want to be over it so badly and so completely, but I know I'm not.

I hate how broken I am.
I hate how alone I am.

The weird thing is that part of me really doesn't care. It's like I'm digging dip within me to see just how much I really do care, and parts of me that did are now not so much there anymore. It's like there is now an empty space where there once was feeling of my tied attachment. To me, this is a good thing.

But at the moment, I feel so sick of it all that I just want to start from a clean slate- to forget about it all and just move forward without having to deal with the past along with its discretions and sentiments. It's making me feel so sick how much I want it all to just be over and done with. I'm so sick of all this stupid shit. I'm so sick of everything. I can feel myself retreating back into myself again.