Oh The Possibilities

Really, let's not start to get all dramatic now.

No.. let's.

I think there might be something seriously wrong with me. I've often contemplated the thought of a possible chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe that would explain my extreme highs and lows and never inbetweens that I so wish I could find, hold on to, and never have to let go. Maybe that would explain the reason behind my irrational emotions that seem to not only fluctuate but also circulate in whatever way possible so much as it drives me insane.

I have no fucking reason why I should be unhappy or sad or dare I say it? Depressed. There is absolutely no viable reason why I should be so frustrated with anything and everything at once. It's really quite stupid. I've never been one take advantage or indulge in the dramatized option and speculation of saying you're depressed, but really you're just looking for attention. I've always loathed people that have done that because I know it's all bullshit.

I don't know. Could it just be the masochistic part of me winning each time? The fact that I can never just be happy or even just content or whatever that just didn't have to be classified as whatever is unhappy? Even though I so desperately wish it every single fucking day.

Perhaps the drug experimentation I've once seriously indulged in but now refuse to partake in that has seriously fucked up my mind?

Whatever it is, it shouldn't suck this much to just exist. I was feeling fine and then it just fucking hits me out of nowhere and I go empty (not in a good way because believe me the good numb way is so much better) and insecure and completely sad feeling like just crying for no apparent reason all at the same time losing all will to do anything but lie in my bed and just go through motions rather than live my fucking life. It shouldn't have to hurt so much on a daily basis. (Mind you this isn't a hurt from a guy because that would be really insipid because really I'm over that, this is a different kind of hurt stemmed from my too empathetic too compassionate and passionate traits that seem to make up part of what makes me me. This kind of hurt I've described in previous entries)

This is life. This is it; it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.
Yes this is my fucking life. So why is it that I'm losing all motivation to live it?

I question why am I feeling like this? No let's not get all Freudian and say well there must be some reason behind my emotions. I have spent countless years trying to decipher the meaning behind my emotions and just when I think I've understood them, guess what? You don't.

Honestly let's be serious. There logically should be no reason for my unfortunate change in attitude, outlook, and emotional state for I am very very fortunate to lead the life I lead. Life should be fucking great. Yet this emotional or hormonal shift happened out of no where! At least if I knew why that would make more sense. But nope.

I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy in my own mind and I know I have no one that understands. And those that do try, I am thankful for being there for me. For the reason I am quite closed off is because whenever you try, okay since we're getting personal, whenever I try, I get shitted on. Or more so people can't relate. People don't want to even know about the dirty hard stuff that is underneath. Simply because they can't take it. Or they think they can, but really they can't because once they get even a small glimpse of the disaster they cower and wish they had never consented or even thought they could handle it.

Do I expect too much? Maybe. But why shouldn't you have high expectations? I'm an idealist. Though I'm starting to think it's a major flaw in me.

And then I think maybe I'm fated to seriously be really alone because I mean all of these entries are my free flowing thoughts and really if I were another person reading any of this shit, I'd think I were crazy. Shit I do think I'm crazy. But I think, who would really put up with any of this shit? It would take a fucking miracle. No one wants to ever stay around for the destruction let alone help clean up the ruins.

And then I think is it just me out there? And then kicks in my eternally optimistic and hopeful ideology that I can't shake. Because I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. The world is filled with too many people and too many great minds to not be able to come up with an infinite amount of possibilities.

Or maybe blogging is what I really did need to feel better. Because somehow I feel a bit better now after all that contemplative destruction and free speech. Looks like I've come a full circle. It's insane how you can track my emotions just through my words small paragraph by paragraph. I've somehow managed to articulate my way back into feeling better remaining optimistic. I'm passionately in love with articulation. Though I don't think this stuff that fills my entries would be considered as writing. I don't think I'm a good writer. I wish I were, then I could say I'm passionately in love with writing. That would make more sense.

Everything is a constant.

We definitely are still young yet.