The Bruises, Scars, And Fresh Wounds

I'm only 21 and it's it seems incredulous and almost incredible to me just how much I've been hurt. My mother told me at a very early age when the adolescent drama and competition with girls began, that my "heart was too good" and that it "wasn't good" because that meant that I would very "very prone to get hurt my entire life," boy was she right on the mark. My past history makes me think, were we really meant to become to messed up at such an early age? If it's a lesson to be learned, when is my lesson over? And shouldn't I have learned it by now? Or more so, if I haven't learned it now, then maybe I never will? Or when will I learn it?

Well Which one is it?

And believe me I've also taken to account and though about my "agony and pain" seeming like a huge joke or completely ridiculous and over dramatic because what does someone as young as I know right? I don't know. Age and development mentally is too debatable. So suck on that.

Sometimes I wish that there were some magical possibility that would make it able for all the pain I have ever felt and all the pain I carry with me on a daily basis to just disappear. I want a clean slate. I want what I can never have. I want it all to go away. People always say, well it's better to have your experience. But really? Is it really better to have a perpetual pain that sometimes radiates throughout my whole body in waves?

I hate to admit it, but I've had a lot of time to think. (Well I think a lot period)

And,

I want all it all back. The parts of me I involuntarily gave away. For the moments of love and bliss. All of them. Maybe if I got them back, I wouldn't feel such constant pang for every time I've ever been hurt. It all hurts and it's a fucking disdainful burden that not only I, but also we all have to carry around for the rest of our lives. If we're lucky some of it heals, if we're lucky. But the initial sting will always be there buried inside that black hole of our infinite heart beside the raw emotions (the ones we try to run far away from the years to come) we never want to relive again.

I don't live with regrets. At least I try not to. Which means the decisions I make are weighed beforehand every time (well almost every time, I try) I act on them. I'm on the fence if I wish I had never experienced what I have because of the severe emotional consequences that result.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I've been weighing that cliche for a while now after thinking back about every time the bottom's fallen out. And it really makes me reconsider everything. Is it really better? Better than the agony that seems to me or us will always be there?

Maybe it all still hurts me because I'm still young. I hope when I'm older, all these trials will have no effect on me.

I hate the piercing pain I feel in my, albeit if you will, heart (I know completely overused and cliche- but it's true and there's no other way to say it). It really feels like a knife that is being pushed further and further in without an exit. It just goes in deeper.

I love sleeping. In fact, I've been trying to sleep as much as I can, but sadly as late as I sleep, I haven't been able to sleep past 8 hrs. I know 8 hrs is the right amount, but I'm aiming for at least 10. I've become in love with my dreams. Not because I dream about a reality that doesn't exist (though that is a plus), but because it serves as a tremendous escape for me. (books and movies aren't having their usual effect of distraction lately) And I can't help but love it.

Sometimes I even think and try to dig within myself to try to figure out the root of my erratic downward spiraling emotions and I can't seem to pinpoint it. I mean I know the triggers, but the root of my depressing sentiments? I've no clue. Or maybe I do. I'm alone. Yeah, that must be it because it's true and it's what consumes me entirely every waking minute.

I sometimes make wishes. You know, the meaningless wishes with the clock strikes 11:11 or off of a blown away eyelash. I wish all the time to be continuously happy, or to find something to make me happy so that I won't have to feel a huge lonely void in me.

I'm scared that I'm too broken beyond repair. Unfixable. I've considered counseling or therapy, I really have, but right now I think, okay so what, you talk to try to understand a truth in you. Yeah, but does that really fix things? It just brings tragedy more into apparent view and how would you go about fixing it if you're already lacking to begin with?

I'm scared that I'll never really find anyone. That one person I wish for and dream for all the time. The one who will have the ability to calm me down the right way, and never have to lie to me or show cowardice. (I hate liars and cowards) The one who will have the understanding patience and not run when I get too complicated and difficultly crazy because I'm not lying, it'll definitely happen. Someone who will stick around for me.

I still believe in love. How can I not? I'm an idealist and a romanticist at that. I have to keep believing in something or else I'll lose myself completely.

I know everyone says that eventually your time will come and you'll find that one. Well what if it doesn't happen?

When I get a little too crazy into my head I always do keep myself in check and grounded, it's a terrible habit of mine to make things not into such a big deal though sometimes it's needed to be made into a big deal. I think self restrictions are sometimes more harmful than helpful. But my point is, part of what keeps me going is that I think, this happens to everyone. You hear about tragic heartbreak everywhere. If they can do it, then so can I right?

We should start a club where we can all meet each other and potentially find our other half in the process. Good idea right?