Because Blood Is Thicker Than Water

At least that what they say right? What does that even really mean? Why compare blood to water? Unless you really want to dig deeper and break it down. I guess you could compare water to the fact that our bodies are made of what 95% water? I'm sure I've got the statistics wrong. (another reason thus proving that I am indeed an English major) So I guess that would make sense. But I still don't know where that phrase came from.

Anyways I digress. Right now I am taking a slight break from gathering all of my materials and studying the piece along with 3 other translations I have chosen to analyze and discuss before I begin my midterm paper for my Middle English literature class. Sounds so fun right? The reading of poetry and prose yes, the hard stuff such as the difficulty in reading Old English, not so much, but the feeling of productivity and actual acknowledgment of knowledge retainment, priceless and what we all strive to hope for when we choose to take a class yes? Yet the beyond bummer thought of having to write this paper that isn't too tough of a task for me to do still supercedes the priceless feeling. I cannot wait for this quarter to be over already. I think it's just the production of my classes that I thought were going to be great but turned out to be sub par.

Okay I know I digressed again.
So the main point of this entry, can you guess it? Family of coz. (When I spell things wrong it is on purpose to make emphasis in a different tone and voice in my head that in person would make a lot more sense but for now a virtual substitution will just have to suffice)

So I came home early from school today so that I could recharge to have enough prolonged energy to write my term paper. My father and brother came home early surprisingly early enough for us all to have dinner together. My father happily cooked us all a fabulous simple Chinese/Taiwanese meal. And then the toleration and understanding of the need to tolerate certain remarks and personalities kicked in. But I have already divulged plenty about those specific problems and this entry is not about that so much.

This entry is about how my father notifying us that he will be returning back to China (his routine business trips that go way back to when I can't even remember) again soon this Saturday. My mother is in Japan right now on vacation and she is said to be returning on Sunday. This fact hit me as a bit odd because as a child one examines and knows the behavior of their parents up to a certain extent quite well enough to know when something is out of the ordinary. And they have never been not here far away out of the state separately before. Granted my parents are always gone but when they are both gone, they are gone together on business trips to the east coast. The standard protocol is waiting for my mother to get back so that my father can then leave. (You know, leaving the "children" behind is not "what is done")

I don't know how I feel about this. No, actually I do know how I feel. I'm a bit shocked, confused and the heart sunken feeling is a bit greater in my chest at the moment. But you deal. I deal. You deal because you have to and that there is no other choice. That how the impossible gets done. That's how things get done.

I've never understood how people could not get a job done such as finish a paper by the deadline. They seemed to have "run out of time." I always am able to finish by just cranking what needs to be done out of me. I finish because there is no other option. Because it has to be done. Because there is no other way it can be. That's how things get done.

I just find it odd. And at the same time I feel a horrible sadness for my parents. I wish they were and could be eternally happy. I wish things were different and that it all were enough. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough in this broken family and their broken lives. It's never enough, unfortunately. Shitty life that somehow manages to screw each and everyone one of us sometime or another made it just as so.

I know I am tied down so completely by the roots they've implanted in me when I was created. I know because of my family that there will always be things I will have to sacrifice and not be able to do because of these burdens. I know it's unreasonable and unfair to say that this burden is on me being as I am the youngest of me and my brother. And who am I to think that and make is seem like it is worse than my parents' issues. But that's not what I am saying, I know my problems are completely minute compared to theirs and others. But what I am saying is in terms of my brother and his ties to the family, he's broken free without looking back because our personalities ethics and morals are completely opposite. But he's wasting that gift and opportunity so badly.

I have come to realize that now and more and more as the time nears for me to graduate and decide what I want to do for my life, the opportunities that are so reachable diminish because I know they can't be those options for me. There is so much I want to do in life that is far greater than the boundaries of these 150 mile radii, but I know my weakness of not wanting to leave my family and break free from them because of the hurt and loneliness I know they will in ultimately feel will be detrimental.

I know I am 21yrs old and "should" be old enough to take this and handle it in a "mature" fashion. But really now? When is one old enough? Is it even about age? Age isn't anything but a number right? Or is it more about mentality? And if so, when are you mentally mature enough to handle extreme issues? The thing is there never is a right age or time. You figure out a way to deal in order to survive. (Survive meaning live life the best way you know how or can. Not literally for all you literary impaired)

Ugh and now to begin my paper. This should be fun.